How do I deal with this?
September 10, 2011 8:12 PM Subscribe
Told a lie to a new group of friends and pretty much got called out on it. This is very much unlike me, and I'm incredibly embarrassed. Anyway to make up for it?
Basically: new city, no friends for awhile finally got in a group (I'm in my mid-20s). For whatever reason I sort of perpetuated a lie because it made me more popular. Yes, typing this out make me feel like a child.
They basically called me out on it after a couple of months. Anyway to make amends for it? Come clean, "Yeah I don't know why I lied about this," which seems really weird.
What makes it worse is that a couple of the guys in the group are work friends. In fact that makes it several times worse. To be clear, this isn't a, "I have cancer," sort of thing when I don't. Just pretending to be more popular than I am.
Really out of character for me, never did anything like this before. I've just been kind of having a social anxiety attack all day thinking I'm going to be branded the guy who makes shit up, which I guess I sort of deserve at this point.
Any ideas? My best guess is to just ignore it and not make shit up and hope everyone forgets about it.
Basically: new city, no friends for awhile finally got in a group (I'm in my mid-20s). For whatever reason I sort of perpetuated a lie because it made me more popular. Yes, typing this out make me feel like a child.
They basically called me out on it after a couple of months. Anyway to make amends for it? Come clean, "Yeah I don't know why I lied about this," which seems really weird.
What makes it worse is that a couple of the guys in the group are work friends. In fact that makes it several times worse. To be clear, this isn't a, "I have cancer," sort of thing when I don't. Just pretending to be more popular than I am.
Really out of character for me, never did anything like this before. I've just been kind of having a social anxiety attack all day thinking I'm going to be branded the guy who makes shit up, which I guess I sort of deserve at this point.
Any ideas? My best guess is to just ignore it and not make shit up and hope everyone forgets about it.
I would much rather be friends with, and certainly I would more feel that I was friends with, somebody who told me they felt like a fool over [lie] and remained embarrassed, rather than somebody who [lie] and just continued on. I would talk to people individually, privately. "[Yikes/Oy/God/etc], I had no friends for a while, and -- and I feel like a child about this -- [lie] seemed to make me more popular, so I didn't stop. I feel lame and I know I have abused peoples' trust here, and I wanted to tell you I wish I hadn't made that mistake..."
Unless the lie was amusingly trivial (it would be useful to know the details) it is unlikely that people will forget soon enough for memory lapses to be socially useful to you. Everybody screws up; how you deal with screwing up is key.
posted by kmennie at 8:21 PM on September 10, 2011 [12 favorites]
Unless the lie was amusingly trivial (it would be useful to know the details) it is unlikely that people will forget soon enough for memory lapses to be socially useful to you. Everybody screws up; how you deal with screwing up is key.
posted by kmennie at 8:21 PM on September 10, 2011 [12 favorites]
Specifically what lie did you tell? It seems odd to dance around that in an anonymous post.
posted by parrot_person at 8:27 PM on September 10, 2011 [26 favorites]
posted by parrot_person at 8:27 PM on September 10, 2011 [26 favorites]
"I'm so sorry, [friend], for having abused your trust. You figured out that [x] wasn't true, and while I wish I had told you sooner, I'm glad you know now. I realize that this doesn't reflect well on me, believe me! I'd love to talk about what REALLY happened now, but if you'd rather not, I completely understand."
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:41 PM on September 10, 2011
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:41 PM on September 10, 2011
So, I used to (I've gotten a lot better about it, maybe just because I've gotten older, I don't know) embellish stories pretty heavily. Just insert stupid crap into stories that were otherwise completely true. I didn't do it intentionally, I'd just get caught up in whatever thing I was talking about and blurt out something that wasn't true before even realizing I was saying it. And then, of course, once I said it, I just let it stand. (Because if you stop in the middle of the story and say, "wait, that's not true, actually it was blah blah blah," people will quickly start to assume that you're insane.) By the next day (or even next conversation), I had usually completely forgotten whatever I had said.
Occasionally, these "lies" would pop back up. Like someone would say, "hey, remember that story about that thing at that place with that [untrue thing]? Tell so-and-so that story! It was so funny!" or whatever. And I would think and realize that [untrue thing] never actually happened, but that I must have said it, because I had a habit of doing things like that. Most of the time it was something so trivial and minor that I could just shrug it off and no one would notice. But from time to time it was something pretty big and memorable, and I had to just suck it up and say:
"You know what? The part about the [untrue thing]? That's actually not true. I don't know why I said it, and I feel stupid that I misled you. Such-and-such actually happened, just not [untrue thing]."
And then life continued as normal. And people probably thought I was a weirdo. But whatever. I'd rather people think I'm a weirdo than think I'm a pathological liar who's trying to deceive them.
My advice to you is to suck it up, swallow your pride, and just out with it. (Unless you'd rather be seen as a liar than a weirdo. But that's up to you.)
posted by phunniemee at 8:45 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Occasionally, these "lies" would pop back up. Like someone would say, "hey, remember that story about that thing at that place with that [untrue thing]? Tell so-and-so that story! It was so funny!" or whatever. And I would think and realize that [untrue thing] never actually happened, but that I must have said it, because I had a habit of doing things like that. Most of the time it was something so trivial and minor that I could just shrug it off and no one would notice. But from time to time it was something pretty big and memorable, and I had to just suck it up and say:
"You know what? The part about the [untrue thing]? That's actually not true. I don't know why I said it, and I feel stupid that I misled you. Such-and-such actually happened, just not [untrue thing]."
And then life continued as normal. And people probably thought I was a weirdo. But whatever. I'd rather people think I'm a weirdo than think I'm a pathological liar who's trying to deceive them.
My advice to you is to suck it up, swallow your pride, and just out with it. (Unless you'd rather be seen as a liar than a weirdo. But that's up to you.)
posted by phunniemee at 8:45 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know why you can't just own up to it, apologize for doing a dopey thing, and move on. Since you see a couple of these guys at work, that gives you more time to try to work past this. Ignoring it and trying to pretend it never happened would seem much shadier than just telling them something like, "So yeah, I'm really embarrassed that I lied about that. That was my lame attempt at trying to make new friends, and I feel like a moron, but yeah, there it is."
They might not trust you anymore at least for a while, but if you're still a fun person to be around they might still want to hang out with you. If you don't give them anymore reasons to not trust you, maybe one day you can all look back on this and laugh.
posted by wondermouse at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2011
They might not trust you anymore at least for a while, but if you're still a fun person to be around they might still want to hang out with you. If you don't give them anymore reasons to not trust you, maybe one day you can all look back on this and laugh.
posted by wondermouse at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2011
the reality is that you told a lie, your new friends called you out on it and pretending that this didn't happen is not going to improve the situation. instead, own up to it and say why it happened. this will force you to take ownership for what you did and force you to share the realities of your life even if your new friends may not like you for it.
i would much rather have someone tell me why they lied (even if they don't think that i want to hear the truth) rather than having someone deny that they even lied. sure, you can implicitly deny it by just pretending that it never happened, but from a friend's perspective, if you lied and pretended that it never happened then you assume that i will automatically forgive you for other lies or any negative things that happen during our time as friends. taking ownership and apologizing would you make you more authentic because we all have flaws, but if you can take ownership for your flaws then people will know that they can count on you even when there are negative times during the friendship which is something that most friendships experience sometime.
even the following type of message would work:
hey [insert name here], i just wanted to apologize for lying to you about the fact that i'm kind of more than a big deal, the reality is that i'm _______________ instead. i know that it wasn't cool (or insert another term here), but i have experienced a lot of difficulties in my life because of (insert very brief set of words here such). it wasn't right for me to lie about my life, but i did it because _______________. i know that this doesn't change what i've done, but i seriously hope that you can forgive me because i'm not usually the type of person that would lie, but i hope that i can prove to you and (insert other names here) otherwise. you and (insert other names here) seem like a great group of people and i really enjoy hanging out with you.
so, i know that's perhaps serious, but i also know that people appreciate honesty and when others take accountability for what they've done. sending this message can be risky, primarily because it will make you vulnerable but it should be received positively from your friends since they want honesty from you.
posted by sincerely-s at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
i would much rather have someone tell me why they lied (even if they don't think that i want to hear the truth) rather than having someone deny that they even lied. sure, you can implicitly deny it by just pretending that it never happened, but from a friend's perspective, if you lied and pretended that it never happened then you assume that i will automatically forgive you for other lies or any negative things that happen during our time as friends. taking ownership and apologizing would you make you more authentic because we all have flaws, but if you can take ownership for your flaws then people will know that they can count on you even when there are negative times during the friendship which is something that most friendships experience sometime.
even the following type of message would work:
hey [insert name here], i just wanted to apologize for lying to you about the fact that i'm kind of more than a big deal, the reality is that i'm _______________ instead. i know that it wasn't cool (or insert another term here), but i have experienced a lot of difficulties in my life because of (insert very brief set of words here such). it wasn't right for me to lie about my life, but i did it because _______________. i know that this doesn't change what i've done, but i seriously hope that you can forgive me because i'm not usually the type of person that would lie, but i hope that i can prove to you and (insert other names here) otherwise. you and (insert other names here) seem like a great group of people and i really enjoy hanging out with you.
so, i know that's perhaps serious, but i also know that people appreciate honesty and when others take accountability for what they've done. sending this message can be risky, primarily because it will make you vulnerable but it should be received positively from your friends since they want honesty from you.
posted by sincerely-s at 8:47 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
To add onto what I already said...
I may be in the minority here, but I don't think what you did was all that uncommon given the circumstances (recent move, brand-new set of....strangers, basically). That doesn't mean it was right, but given the situation, it's a lot more forgivable than, say, trying to pull a fast one on your BFF that you've known for twenty years or something. I hope that your new friends can see that, because I don't think you're a Serious Jackass Forever. If you were, you wouldn't have even posted this question, so don't beat yourself up inordinately. A little, yes. A lot, no.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2011
I may be in the minority here, but I don't think what you did was all that uncommon given the circumstances (recent move, brand-new set of....strangers, basically). That doesn't mean it was right, but given the situation, it's a lot more forgivable than, say, trying to pull a fast one on your BFF that you've known for twenty years or something. I hope that your new friends can see that, because I don't think you're a Serious Jackass Forever. If you were, you wouldn't have even posted this question, so don't beat yourself up inordinately. A little, yes. A lot, no.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2011
It's really hard to give you specific advice when you don't disclose what the lie was. It would help if you'd email it to the mods for them to update this post.
That said, someone "came clean" to me about a lie not too long ago and I respected them a great deal for it. It was awkward but the fact that they owned up to it was pretty admirable.
posted by jayder at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2011
That said, someone "came clean" to me about a lie not too long ago and I respected them a great deal for it. It was awkward but the fact that they owned up to it was pretty admirable.
posted by jayder at 8:55 PM on September 10, 2011
You were specific enough that it sounds like what you did was exaggerating or bragging a little bit. That's way different than a malicious lie that hurts people or maybe even destroys lives.
As far as I can tell, no one got hurt. If anything, people probably think it's funny. If you want, just say something like "I feel like an asshole for saying that, I don't know what the hell I was thinking" and I'm sure all will be forgiven.
I have known people who did this habitually*, and it's not a great habit, but as long as they weren't hurting anyone I looked at it as a harmless quirk and was happy to be friends with them. It's probably not as big a deal as you think.
*One guy claimed, with no evidence at all, to be dating a popular female local news anchor!!
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:03 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
As far as I can tell, no one got hurt. If anything, people probably think it's funny. If you want, just say something like "I feel like an asshole for saying that, I don't know what the hell I was thinking" and I'm sure all will be forgiven.
I have known people who did this habitually*, and it's not a great habit, but as long as they weren't hurting anyone I looked at it as a harmless quirk and was happy to be friends with them. It's probably not as big a deal as you think.
*One guy claimed, with no evidence at all, to be dating a popular female local news anchor!!
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:03 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
As an aside, if you flat-out admit you lied because you wanted to fit in with this new crowd and were insecure, they may actually like you better. It would show that you did it not because you were a braggart, but because you like them and wanted to be accepted.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:06 PM on September 10, 2011
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:06 PM on September 10, 2011
Sorry, one more thought:
I remember reading a story about Pete Townshend, about how he came to write his song "A little is enough." He was having trouble in his marriage and told his friend he was afraid his wife no longer loved him. His friend said, "Well has she left you?" Pete said "no," so his friend said "Well then she must love you at least a little bit."
If they're still hanging out with you, they don't hate you and haven't totally written you off. They must still like you and think you're basically a good person.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:09 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
I remember reading a story about Pete Townshend, about how he came to write his song "A little is enough." He was having trouble in his marriage and told his friend he was afraid his wife no longer loved him. His friend said, "Well has she left you?" Pete said "no," so his friend said "Well then she must love you at least a little bit."
If they're still hanging out with you, they don't hate you and haven't totally written you off. They must still like you and think you're basically a good person.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:09 PM on September 10, 2011 [4 favorites]
"Well has she left you?" Pete said "no," so his friend said "Well then she must love you at least a little bit."
People stay in relationships all the time for a variety of reasons having nothing to do with love: financial security, children, believing they can't get something better, etc. etc.
posted by parrot_person at 9:25 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
People stay in relationships all the time for a variety of reasons having nothing to do with love: financial security, children, believing they can't get something better, etc. etc.
posted by parrot_person at 9:25 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
People stay in relationships all the time for a variety of reasons having nothing to do with love: financial security, children, believing they can't get something better, etc. etc.
Oh come on. The OP hasn't had children or joint bank accounts with these people. Let's assume that if they're still in contact with OP, then that means they don't hate him/her.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 9:36 PM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
Oh come on. The OP hasn't had children or joint bank accounts with these people. Let's assume that if they're still in contact with OP, then that means they don't hate him/her.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 9:36 PM on September 10, 2011 [5 favorites]
This might be beside the point, but I find this particular moment of embarrassment incredibly useful. Yes, your mistake doesn't define you; yes, life will go on -- I'm not trying to make this something bigger than it is. But you did something that on reflection, you feel awful about, so why did you do it? Sure, it's not your normal behavior, but under a certain set of circumstances, it was your behavior, so, why? Certain aspects of your personality have the potential to interfere with you being the person you want to be, so take the opportunity to get to know these Achilles heels. Open up the flight data recorder and retrace your motivation and thoughts to see how the accident occurred. Learn why you made the mistake and how not to make it again.
This kind of failure analysis has led me to know certain things about myself I might not otherwise know. It also made forgiving myself much easier. At that point, what others do and say kind of becomes beside the point because you've already had your moment of reckoning, and the reflection will make it easy for you to give a clear apology that includes phrases like "I've done a lot of reflection on why I did that so that I can understand how to be sure it won't happen again."
posted by salvia at 9:37 PM on September 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
This kind of failure analysis has led me to know certain things about myself I might not otherwise know. It also made forgiving myself much easier. At that point, what others do and say kind of becomes beside the point because you've already had your moment of reckoning, and the reflection will make it easy for you to give a clear apology that includes phrases like "I've done a lot of reflection on why I did that so that I can understand how to be sure it won't happen again."
posted by salvia at 9:37 PM on September 10, 2011 [3 favorites]
Well, you lost a bunch of trust points, and you aren't going to get them back for a long time. People don't forget bad behavior.
Having said that, it would help at some point to mention that you feel like an idiot, 20% for being caught, and 80% because you lied. I'd suggest you explain you like them, and wanted to make yourself feel like a more desirable addition to the group. You can add that this isn't your normal mode, but frankly people are going to be looking in the future to see if what you say going forward checks out. So watch yourself, and don't overstate.
Eventually this is going to fade out. Not die, but fade. Assuming you don't fib again.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Take responsibility, and aim to atone by being a truthful and trustworthy person in all respects going forward.
posted by bearwife at 9:40 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Having said that, it would help at some point to mention that you feel like an idiot, 20% for being caught, and 80% because you lied. I'd suggest you explain you like them, and wanted to make yourself feel like a more desirable addition to the group. You can add that this isn't your normal mode, but frankly people are going to be looking in the future to see if what you say going forward checks out. So watch yourself, and don't overstate.
Eventually this is going to fade out. Not die, but fade. Assuming you don't fib again.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Take responsibility, and aim to atone by being a truthful and trustworthy person in all respects going forward.
posted by bearwife at 9:40 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Let's assume that if they're still in contact with OP, then that means they don't hate him/her.
Yeah, I don't necessarily agree with that. I've known and been in social groups where people tolerate someone to their face and talk snottily behind their back.
posted by parrot_person at 9:52 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I don't necessarily agree with that. I've known and been in social groups where people tolerate someone to their face and talk snottily behind their back.
posted by parrot_person at 9:52 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
And maybe to get you started on this introspection I'm recommending, it occurs to me that you lied because you care a lot about how you appear to others, and again now, your central worry is how you get branded. What's that all about? It might be worth thinking about how you try to create an image for yourself.
posted by salvia at 9:53 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 9:53 PM on September 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've known and been in social groups where people tolerate someone to their face and talk snottily behind their back.
Yeccchhh, that is certainly a possibility, and a shitty one at that. OP, if you are ever hanging out with this social group and you hear them saying shitty things about a non-present group member, then RUN. I would say that whether or not you'd messed up with them previously. Actually, a good way to estimate how badly they will treat you over this is to listen to how they treat others.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:05 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeccchhh, that is certainly a possibility, and a shitty one at that. OP, if you are ever hanging out with this social group and you hear them saying shitty things about a non-present group member, then RUN. I would say that whether or not you'd messed up with them previously. Actually, a good way to estimate how badly they will treat you over this is to listen to how they treat others.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:05 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I should say,. how do they treat others who are NOT currently present? Do they talk ugly shit? Do they say nice things? Do they completely ignore the fact that [absent person] exists?
If the first, run away. I'm seriously out of this thread now.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:09 PM on September 10, 2011
If the first, run away. I'm seriously out of this thread now.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 10:09 PM on September 10, 2011
Anyway to make up for it? Nah, not really. It's basically on your permanent record. I suppose you can tell individuals that you feel like you made a mistake, but it's still going to be there.
What other people think about you is completely out out of your control. Rest assured, though, that it always was.
At this point, the only thing you have to show is how you behave going forward.
Don't take this as condemnation. I've probably done and said way worse than you in my life. It's just that the guilt isn't going to get you anywhere.
posted by Gilbert at 10:17 PM on September 10, 2011
What other people think about you is completely out out of your control. Rest assured, though, that it always was.
At this point, the only thing you have to show is how you behave going forward.
Don't take this as condemnation. I've probably done and said way worse than you in my life. It's just that the guilt isn't going to get you anywhere.
posted by Gilbert at 10:17 PM on September 10, 2011
Tell them its part of your CIA cover. You had to lie for reasons of National security.
Then just own up to your mistake. You're not the first person to bullshit people because you wanted them to like you.
posted by Boris Johnson at 1:06 AM on September 11, 2011
Then just own up to your mistake. You're not the first person to bullshit people because you wanted them to like you.
posted by Boris Johnson at 1:06 AM on September 11, 2011
"My best guess is to just ignore it and not make shit up and hope everyone forgets about it."
Well, yeah. It doesn't sound like it's anything to warrant getting terribly upset about. Just don't do it again.
posted by mleigh at 1:28 AM on September 11, 2011
Well, yeah. It doesn't sound like it's anything to warrant getting terribly upset about. Just don't do it again.
posted by mleigh at 1:28 AM on September 11, 2011
No I don't think you should ignore it. Your friends didn't ignore it, they called you out on it. It takes some nerve to call a person out on a lie, and you don't want to respond by being someone so unconcerned and dismissive that he just shrugs it off and pretends nothing ever happened. That would be another lie, and a worse one, because now everyone knows you told a lie, and clearly it's important to them. You all know those things are true. But by pretending nothing happened you're acting like those things aren't true and silently expecting them to play along as if they were. That is not the way to make yourself look like an honest person.
Ask yourself what they might be concerned about and address those concerns. In a nutshell, they're most likely to be concerned that you're the kind of person who misrepresents themselves all the time and that they can't count on your being who you say you are. Not knowing what the lie was, I can't really guess what else might be worrying them, but you are in a much better position to figure it out.
So I would follow sincerely-s's script and make sure you address whatever concerns you think they'll have as well. Make sure you explain not only what the situation is, but what it's not, e.g. you aren't a pathological liar who will continue to make statements that can't be trusted, and so on.
posted by tel3path at 3:39 AM on September 11, 2011
Ask yourself what they might be concerned about and address those concerns. In a nutshell, they're most likely to be concerned that you're the kind of person who misrepresents themselves all the time and that they can't count on your being who you say you are. Not knowing what the lie was, I can't really guess what else might be worrying them, but you are in a much better position to figure it out.
So I would follow sincerely-s's script and make sure you address whatever concerns you think they'll have as well. Make sure you explain not only what the situation is, but what it's not, e.g. you aren't a pathological liar who will continue to make statements that can't be trusted, and so on.
posted by tel3path at 3:39 AM on September 11, 2011
Yeah, sorry OP but this really depends pretty-heavily on what the lie actually was. The way you respond to embellishing a story with white-lie details is different than the way you respond to lying about what school you went to, which is different than lying about how popular you were which is different than "I had cancer" which is different than "I used to wear glasses" which is… you get the idea. All different.
And by the way, you know what might be good practice for fessing up about your lie in front of a group of sympathetic people?
Exactly.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:07 AM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
And by the way, you know what might be good practice for fessing up about your lie in front of a group of sympathetic people?
Exactly.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:07 AM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Maybe make light of it and say that you had been self-conscious about being new and thought it would be fun to try and build a little mystique. Apologize and say it was a silly thing to do and that you're glad to have it put behind you.
posted by hermitosis at 7:31 AM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by hermitosis at 7:31 AM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
This morning I remembered some lies a friend used to tell back in school. They were major, unbelievable whoopers, implicating himself in world-historical events (imagine someone placing themselves right at the side of Tianenmen Square tank man, you just couldn't see them because of the camera angle, that type of lie) and honestly it did not interfere with being good friends with him; it was a weakness that we just ignored and he was a really great guy despite the lies. In fact, I have pretty much forgotten about the lies. It never mattered that much. So, owning up is probably a good "stand-up" thing to do, but I totally think you can get past this, and in fact it's probably not as big a deal to them as it feels to you. And in fact, lying about one's popularity barely registers as a lie in my book, unless you were claiming you're good friends with Bono or Barack Obama or something. Garden-variety exaggeration falls more at the level of excusable sales puffery in my view.
posted by jayder at 7:35 AM on September 11, 2011
posted by jayder at 7:35 AM on September 11, 2011
How did you immediately react to being called out upon it? That was your chance to come clean but it sounds like you didn't? Or was this an email that you haven't responded to?
Come clean about it and say it's not like you and you feel like an ass—which you are. Do it in front of the group if you all have dinner or go out to a bar or something. If you are somehow not invited to that kind of event that's sort of a message.
If there's not going to be an opportunity soon for you to come clean to the group, approach the one person who seems to be sympathetic and somewhat central to the group, hopefully one of the co-workers.
Even if you DON'T want to be friends with these people again, even if they make it clear they don't want to be friends with you, you should do this to clear your name.
Don't just ignore it, I mean there's gotta be at least one asshole in the group who is looking forward to tagging you with 'liar' at every opportunity in the future, and you have to take away that person's ammunition.
posted by cold dead hans at 9:26 AM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Come clean about it and say it's not like you and you feel like an ass—which you are. Do it in front of the group if you all have dinner or go out to a bar or something. If you are somehow not invited to that kind of event that's sort of a message.
If there's not going to be an opportunity soon for you to come clean to the group, approach the one person who seems to be sympathetic and somewhat central to the group, hopefully one of the co-workers.
Even if you DON'T want to be friends with these people again, even if they make it clear they don't want to be friends with you, you should do this to clear your name.
Don't just ignore it, I mean there's gotta be at least one asshole in the group who is looking forward to tagging you with 'liar' at every opportunity in the future, and you have to take away that person's ammunition.
posted by cold dead hans at 9:26 AM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might want to Google about confession. Also, this sort of scenario is exactly what people work the Twelve Steps about. Steps 4 through 10 tell just how to handle this.
One thing I know from my own fearful/courageous experience - if I'm afraid the truth will come out about me, the only answer that brings me peace (peace afterward, not beforehand) is to be the one who presents that truth.
Undealt with, the after-effects of your feelings about this could eat you up for years. I hope you come clean, so that you can live at peace with yourself. How things work out with this current batch of new friends is of little importance compared to your lifelong relationship with yourself.
posted by Ellemeno at 9:57 AM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
One thing I know from my own fearful/courageous experience - if I'm afraid the truth will come out about me, the only answer that brings me peace (peace afterward, not beforehand) is to be the one who presents that truth.
Undealt with, the after-effects of your feelings about this could eat you up for years. I hope you come clean, so that you can live at peace with yourself. How things work out with this current batch of new friends is of little importance compared to your lifelong relationship with yourself.
posted by Ellemeno at 9:57 AM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Actually, Step Ten can be what helps you not have to go through this again. "Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it."
Also, I want to thank you. I'm sure all of us reading are benefitting from this cautionary tale, and being reminded of some error in our lives that we could have been cleaner about.
posted by Ellemeno at 10:03 AM on September 11, 2011
Also, I want to thank you. I'm sure all of us reading are benefitting from this cautionary tale, and being reminded of some error in our lives that we could have been cleaner about.
posted by Ellemeno at 10:03 AM on September 11, 2011
Also, you say you are in your mid-20s. IMO, this is a perfect time in your life for this to have happened. Your future decades will be better for you, having experienced the consequences of your actions now. Best wishes on that future!
posted by Ellemeno at 10:08 AM on September 11, 2011
posted by Ellemeno at 10:08 AM on September 11, 2011
yeah, some reflection is probably in order. I am curious what your lie was, but I would say, pick one or two people in the group you most connect with and have a frank heart to heart with them about your lack of honesty to regain trust and at least have allies. And say something more generally apologetic to the group.
posted by abirdinthehand at 10:10 AM on September 11, 2011
posted by abirdinthehand at 10:10 AM on September 11, 2011
I've done this same thing many times. I've gotten better about it and have taught myself to stop in mid conversation and admit the lie. It strikes some people as strange but others just smile or laugh or touch my shoulder and admit that they do it too. I think it's a problem with impulse control and having a mouth that works faster than my brain, combined with sometimes shitty self esteem.
Funny story. I was once talking with a co-worker who expressed a desire to purchase a certain type of bed frame. Previously (and when I was living in a different state), I had an identical frame to the one she was describing, which I gave to my sister before moving. I told the co-worker that I currently had it in my possession and wasn't using it. She offered to buy it and I was too stupid and young to admit to my dumb lie. I agreed and then went out and bought a new one with my tips, scratched it up a bit (!) and then sold it at a loss. Christ, I was an asshole.
You know what? That never happened to me. I just lied to you. It happened to my ex-girlfriend, but I think it's such a funny stupid thing to do that I've told it as my own story too many times to count.
Admit that you told a stupid lie to seem cooler. Most people have done it. They'll forgive you, unless they're assholes.
posted by dchrssyr at 6:32 PM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Funny story. I was once talking with a co-worker who expressed a desire to purchase a certain type of bed frame. Previously (and when I was living in a different state), I had an identical frame to the one she was describing, which I gave to my sister before moving. I told the co-worker that I currently had it in my possession and wasn't using it. She offered to buy it and I was too stupid and young to admit to my dumb lie. I agreed and then went out and bought a new one with my tips, scratched it up a bit (!) and then sold it at a loss. Christ, I was an asshole.
You know what? That never happened to me. I just lied to you. It happened to my ex-girlfriend, but I think it's such a funny stupid thing to do that I've told it as my own story too many times to count.
Admit that you told a stupid lie to seem cooler. Most people have done it. They'll forgive you, unless they're assholes.
posted by dchrssyr at 6:32 PM on September 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
They basically called me out on it after a couple of months. Anyway to make amends for it? Come clean, "Yeah I don't know why I lied about this," which seems really weird.
No, this is perfect, it's your honest reaction.
posted by desuetude at 8:10 PM on September 11, 2011
No, this is perfect, it's your honest reaction.
posted by desuetude at 8:10 PM on September 11, 2011
I have a close friend who once actually said to me with a laugh, "I lie all the time to make myself sound better. I just want you to know right now." Sometimes she'll be telling me something, and then she says, "I don't know why I said that. That was a total lie. Anyway, what actually happened was..." and it's kind of funny, not shameful. I actually trust her more than a lot of people I know because she's honest enough to admit she's making stuff up. I don't know what you lied about, but if it wasn't something gravely important, you can still fix this and come out on top.
posted by katillathehun at 9:37 PM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by katillathehun at 9:37 PM on September 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
As others have pointed out here, people react to liars (and that's what you'll be known as, no two ways about it) in different ways, and a lot depends on what you lied about, and the nature of these individual friendships.
I've had a few friends I've caught in some harmless (but still unnecessary and weird) lies. With some people, since my friendship was mostly of the "pretty cool people to hang out with and invite to parties" variety, my reaction was mostly just one of, "Huh, that's weird and kinda dumb. Cross him off the list of people to share my darkest secrets with, the knucklehead," and carried on pretty much as before.
With others, in whom I'd invested some emotional energy and vulnerability, I took their lying--no matter how misguided or regretted--to be a red flag, and took steps to protect myself from any other "Oops!" moments in the future. Usually, this meant "downgrading" the degree to which I would allow myself to get close to that person, and in a few cases the friendships kind of fizzled.
You don't know that, absent the lying situation, you'd have stayed friends with these people anyhow. So I'd weather the reactions as best you can, whilst trying to make a new batch of friends you can start fresh with.
A sidenote: being the cynical bastard that I am, I always assume people lie their ass off all the time, for good and bad reasons, because I see it all the time (and do my fair share, I suppose). So maybe I'm a little biased in the way I respond to your situation.
posted by Rykey at 7:06 AM on September 12, 2011
I've had a few friends I've caught in some harmless (but still unnecessary and weird) lies. With some people, since my friendship was mostly of the "pretty cool people to hang out with and invite to parties" variety, my reaction was mostly just one of, "Huh, that's weird and kinda dumb. Cross him off the list of people to share my darkest secrets with, the knucklehead," and carried on pretty much as before.
With others, in whom I'd invested some emotional energy and vulnerability, I took their lying--no matter how misguided or regretted--to be a red flag, and took steps to protect myself from any other "Oops!" moments in the future. Usually, this meant "downgrading" the degree to which I would allow myself to get close to that person, and in a few cases the friendships kind of fizzled.
You don't know that, absent the lying situation, you'd have stayed friends with these people anyhow. So I'd weather the reactions as best you can, whilst trying to make a new batch of friends you can start fresh with.
A sidenote: being the cynical bastard that I am, I always assume people lie their ass off all the time, for good and bad reasons, because I see it all the time (and do my fair share, I suppose). So maybe I'm a little biased in the way I respond to your situation.
posted by Rykey at 7:06 AM on September 12, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
You can not change the past, and you can not control how others will respond - but you can resolve to be true to yourself from here on out.
posted by Flood at 8:18 PM on September 10, 2011 [2 favorites]