Stuck like glue: a tale of over-attachment.
September 6, 2011 3:23 PM Subscribe
I get attached to guys really quickly; why do I do this and how can I stop?
I've felt for a long time like I thought about relationships differently from other people and recently I've realized that I think about them wrong. I never got the point of dating; I figured I would be able to tell right away whether the guy was the right guy for me or not. I thought dating around was pointless -- like, "why would I date someone just to find out whether or not I like them?"
So this attitude has led me to get attached to people really quickly and stay in relationships where I didn't get treated well. My ex-fiance was verbally abusive, but I couldn't see it at the time and this led to trust issues and self-esteem issues (including things like wondering why guys didn't like me immediately, etc.). I've gotten over the other issues (basically I've learned to trust myself more and have more confidence in myself). But my problem is that I get attached to a guy I like really, really quickly and I know this is not good for me.
More specifically, I recently started talking to a guy on OkCupid who seems really great. We've had a series of really good e-mails and are planning on meeting. Yet, I already am subconsciously fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. I haven't even met him yet! I feel like this will cloud my judgement about him and make me ignore any red flags, because that is what normally happens. And this overly-quick attachment thing is pretty consistent. It starts, normally, when I am interested in a guy and he likes me back -- so any guy I'm willing to go on multiple dates with -- which, of course, isn't everybody. I am pretty picky about who I'll even go out with.
I'm concerned that I'm going to misjudge this guy, or send the wrong signals (like that I'm ready for a serious relationship when I hardly know him), etc. And he actually seems like a really good match for me. We've had long and meaningful e-mails. By "meaningful," I don't mean "emotional" or something -- just talking about things that I wouldn't normally discuss with strangers, not even things that are really personal. But above the ordinary "hey, you're cute, how was your weekend" level. On a conscious level, I know it's stupid for me to already like him so much. I think, "yes, he looks good on paper, but at least wait until you meet him!" -- but I subconsciously believe there's something there and that it could be a really great relationship. So I'm also in the position where I don't want to mess up on our first date because he seems really great! As I said, I'm usually really picky about who I'll even go out with so I guess another way to describe this is that once a guy passes my first level of standards, he passes all of them and I (subconsciously) am thinking, "yup, he's the one!"
At the same time, there have been a few guys that I dated for a few weeks or so, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Yet I kept dating them for the fun of it. Even in these situations, I usually feel extremely attached. Maybe it's just that I'm extremely needy or something? And before anyone suggests it, I didn't go through any childhood abuse, no abandonment issues or anything. I did get picked on in grade school (and only ever felt close to a couple of people even in high school), so perhaps it relates to that somehow?
I've felt for a long time like I thought about relationships differently from other people and recently I've realized that I think about them wrong. I never got the point of dating; I figured I would be able to tell right away whether the guy was the right guy for me or not. I thought dating around was pointless -- like, "why would I date someone just to find out whether or not I like them?"
So this attitude has led me to get attached to people really quickly and stay in relationships where I didn't get treated well. My ex-fiance was verbally abusive, but I couldn't see it at the time and this led to trust issues and self-esteem issues (including things like wondering why guys didn't like me immediately, etc.). I've gotten over the other issues (basically I've learned to trust myself more and have more confidence in myself). But my problem is that I get attached to a guy I like really, really quickly and I know this is not good for me.
More specifically, I recently started talking to a guy on OkCupid who seems really great. We've had a series of really good e-mails and are planning on meeting. Yet, I already am subconsciously fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. I haven't even met him yet! I feel like this will cloud my judgement about him and make me ignore any red flags, because that is what normally happens. And this overly-quick attachment thing is pretty consistent. It starts, normally, when I am interested in a guy and he likes me back -- so any guy I'm willing to go on multiple dates with -- which, of course, isn't everybody. I am pretty picky about who I'll even go out with.
I'm concerned that I'm going to misjudge this guy, or send the wrong signals (like that I'm ready for a serious relationship when I hardly know him), etc. And he actually seems like a really good match for me. We've had long and meaningful e-mails. By "meaningful," I don't mean "emotional" or something -- just talking about things that I wouldn't normally discuss with strangers, not even things that are really personal. But above the ordinary "hey, you're cute, how was your weekend" level. On a conscious level, I know it's stupid for me to already like him so much. I think, "yes, he looks good on paper, but at least wait until you meet him!" -- but I subconsciously believe there's something there and that it could be a really great relationship. So I'm also in the position where I don't want to mess up on our first date because he seems really great! As I said, I'm usually really picky about who I'll even go out with so I guess another way to describe this is that once a guy passes my first level of standards, he passes all of them and I (subconsciously) am thinking, "yup, he's the one!"
At the same time, there have been a few guys that I dated for a few weeks or so, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. Yet I kept dating them for the fun of it. Even in these situations, I usually feel extremely attached. Maybe it's just that I'm extremely needy or something? And before anyone suggests it, I didn't go through any childhood abuse, no abandonment issues or anything. I did get picked on in grade school (and only ever felt close to a couple of people even in high school), so perhaps it relates to that somehow?
Best answer: Yet, I already am subconsciously fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. I haven't even met him yet! I feel like this will cloud my judgement about him and make me ignore any red flags, because that is what normally happens. And this overly-quick attachment thing is pretty consistent. It starts, normally, when I am interested in a guy and he likes me back -- so any guy I'm willing to go on multiple dates with -- which, of course, isn't everybody. I am pretty picky about who I'll even go out with.
You have got to break the two phenomena apart. One is liking a guy a lot. The other is ignoring red flags. We all fantasize about relationships with cute new people. The only issue you have is the ignoring the red flags.
The way to make this work is to realize that you don't have to ignore the red flags. Acknowledge your great feelings about the new guy, without accepting your picture as being truthful. The jury's out.
The other thing is you probably have not blown through every red light in your romantic life. Think back to times when you didn't. Acknowledge that you have dodged a bullet or two, allowing yourself to realize you do possess the power to see and respond to red flags.
Your problem isn't the good feelings now, its your reaction when they are abusive. You stick around. If that happens, leave. If not, great.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:33 PM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
You have got to break the two phenomena apart. One is liking a guy a lot. The other is ignoring red flags. We all fantasize about relationships with cute new people. The only issue you have is the ignoring the red flags.
The way to make this work is to realize that you don't have to ignore the red flags. Acknowledge your great feelings about the new guy, without accepting your picture as being truthful. The jury's out.
The other thing is you probably have not blown through every red light in your romantic life. Think back to times when you didn't. Acknowledge that you have dodged a bullet or two, allowing yourself to realize you do possess the power to see and respond to red flags.
Your problem isn't the good feelings now, its your reaction when they are abusive. You stick around. If that happens, leave. If not, great.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:33 PM on September 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Pickup artists (who, like Hitler when he said "the sky is blue", or a stopped clock twice a day, are sometimes right) call this "oneitis". Investing all your affection in one person who may not be at all invested in you. It is to "love" as "putting all your eggs in one basket" is to "nest egg".
It is also mentioned in The Rules. Basically acknowledging that you are going to feel it, but keep thinking rationally and keep dating other people until you have agreed to be exclusive with one of them.
And the trouble with me is I can't find anything irrational about either take on it. So I say, why should the Devil have all the best tunes?
Also, what Ironmouth said.
posted by tel3path at 3:42 PM on September 6, 2011
It is also mentioned in The Rules. Basically acknowledging that you are going to feel it, but keep thinking rationally and keep dating other people until you have agreed to be exclusive with one of them.
And the trouble with me is I can't find anything irrational about either take on it. So I say, why should the Devil have all the best tunes?
Also, what Ironmouth said.
posted by tel3path at 3:42 PM on September 6, 2011
I would bet dollars to doughnuts that this comes from things that you learned about the world and yourself when you were a young child. Note: I had a great family so for a long time I couldn't see how my stuff could be connected to my childhood. Eventually figured out that combination of a sensitive personality plus some everyday trauma (such as a hospitalization at age 3) had affected me more than one might expect.
In any case, it doesn't matter exactly why but it suggests that the things that got you trapped in an abusive relationship may run deep. My guess is that while you have made great progress in rebuilding your trust and self-esteem, you don't yet feel complete in yourself and so you are leaping into relationships way too fast. So, I would agree with DarlingBri that getting better at being single would probably help.
posted by metahawk at 3:44 PM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
In any case, it doesn't matter exactly why but it suggests that the things that got you trapped in an abusive relationship may run deep. My guess is that while you have made great progress in rebuilding your trust and self-esteem, you don't yet feel complete in yourself and so you are leaping into relationships way too fast. So, I would agree with DarlingBri that getting better at being single would probably help.
posted by metahawk at 3:44 PM on September 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I have three pieces of advice based on my own experience of getting attached too quickly, and internet dating:
1) You don't know someone at all until you've met in person. Keep repeating this to yourself until you've internalized it. Great email exchanges mean jack shit in terms of how well you'll get along. In the future, try to meet in person before you get invested in long email exchanges.
2) Limit your exposure once you've met in person. Don't hang out more than once or twice a week for a while.
3) Date more than one person at once. I know this isn't easy for everyone, but it really helps everything. It makes you feel less desperate, and in your own head you'll know that when you do decide to enter an exclusive relationship that it was a conscious choice.
As I said, I'm usually really picky about who I'll even go out with so I guess another way to describe this is that once a guy passes my first level of standards, he passes all of them and I (subconsciously) am thinking, "yup, he's the one!"
I used to believe I had really high standards for who I would date, which basically ended up meaning I dated rarely. What I've consciously done is dropped my standards for who I'll go on a date with, while keeping my high standards for who I'll be in a relationship with. Go on dates with guys who you wouldn't necessarily see yourself with. It will make you better at dating without falling in love, and you may surprise yourself by liking a guy you wouldn't expect.
posted by auto-correct at 4:33 PM on September 6, 2011 [16 favorites]
1) You don't know someone at all until you've met in person. Keep repeating this to yourself until you've internalized it. Great email exchanges mean jack shit in terms of how well you'll get along. In the future, try to meet in person before you get invested in long email exchanges.
2) Limit your exposure once you've met in person. Don't hang out more than once or twice a week for a while.
3) Date more than one person at once. I know this isn't easy for everyone, but it really helps everything. It makes you feel less desperate, and in your own head you'll know that when you do decide to enter an exclusive relationship that it was a conscious choice.
As I said, I'm usually really picky about who I'll even go out with so I guess another way to describe this is that once a guy passes my first level of standards, he passes all of them and I (subconsciously) am thinking, "yup, he's the one!"
I used to believe I had really high standards for who I would date, which basically ended up meaning I dated rarely. What I've consciously done is dropped my standards for who I'll go on a date with, while keeping my high standards for who I'll be in a relationship with. Go on dates with guys who you wouldn't necessarily see yourself with. It will make you better at dating without falling in love, and you may surprise yourself by liking a guy you wouldn't expect.
posted by auto-correct at 4:33 PM on September 6, 2011 [16 favorites]
Seconding....well, just about everyone.
I think with the guys you didn't really see yourself staying with but still dated anyway and felt "attached" -- that may have been you being attached to the idea of being part of a couple, and that's a subtle thing to tease out. But at least you sort of knew at the time that "this...isn't gonna go anywhere", right?
That's smart, being able to see that. That's big. You're smarter about this kind of thing than you know. The trick is listening to that voice when it speaks up so soon, and a lot of people have trouble with that. People in here have talked about "limerance," the biochemical state you get into when you're in a new relationship -- it could be that a lot of why you're attached is that limerance state. Knowing that that's what's going on won't make it suck less if you break it off, but...at least being aware that that's part of what's in the mix of what you're feeling will help you keep your head on an even keel.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 PM on September 6, 2011
I think with the guys you didn't really see yourself staying with but still dated anyway and felt "attached" -- that may have been you being attached to the idea of being part of a couple, and that's a subtle thing to tease out. But at least you sort of knew at the time that "this...isn't gonna go anywhere", right?
That's smart, being able to see that. That's big. You're smarter about this kind of thing than you know. The trick is listening to that voice when it speaks up so soon, and a lot of people have trouble with that. People in here have talked about "limerance," the biochemical state you get into when you're in a new relationship -- it could be that a lot of why you're attached is that limerance state. Knowing that that's what's going on won't make it suck less if you break it off, but...at least being aware that that's part of what's in the mix of what you're feeling will help you keep your head on an even keel.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:08 PM on September 6, 2011
And this overly-quick attachment thing is pretty consistent. It starts, normally, when I am interested in a guy and he likes me back -- so any guy I'm willing to go on multiple dates with -- which, of course, isn't everybody. I am pretty picky about who I'll even go out with.
From personal experience -- get more practice dating IN PERSON - be less picky, and accept dates from guys who seem interesting and attractive, regardless of perceived relationship potential. It's like practicing for a job interview by going to interviews for jobs you don't actually care about. By going out with a variety of guys, you'll find that many of them have great qualities, and those qualities become less snowflakey in time. And then when you meet an awesome guy, you won't be so overwhelmed with "omg ur amazing in so many ways" (because that sort of thing will have normalized), and it will be easier to be level-headed, and focus on what's actually unique about him. Also you'll be more accustomed to things not working out, and not getting in a twist about that either - so overall you'll relax more during the first dates. And seriously, sometimes a guy will surprise you - I'm now in a LTR with someone who was originally just an interesting person to meet.
Also cut out the long emails back and forth - if you like a guy, and there's been a couple good emails, then cut to the chase and suggest a meeting. DO NOT email ad nauseum - people can spend hours writing emails back and forth, describing intimate details about one another, but they are carefully planned and it is unlikely that they portray the person as they are IRL. Body language, intonation of voice, cadence of speech, actual speech patterns, and spontaneous conversation - their mannerisms are what you want to know, the sooner the better. Later on in dating, that's so sweet to get to know a different side of the bf via writing. But for now, you want to know who they are in-person, and you want this before you've built up a pile of expectations in your head.
In those first few weeks, the fantasizing and limerence are normal and you don't have to beat yourself up for falling so fast. But I bet in this time you're letting other friends and family fall to the wayside in hopes of spending hours on the internet with/for him, freeing up your time to spend with him, etc. Don't do that. You must remember to maintain your own social life... in fact, put a higher priority on it. Visit friends and family, go to your fitness/art/whatever classes, have reasons to be busy with social obligations half the time. This is an emotional buffer, distancing yourself from him just a little bit to make sure things slow down.
posted by lizbunny at 5:10 PM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
From personal experience -- get more practice dating IN PERSON - be less picky, and accept dates from guys who seem interesting and attractive, regardless of perceived relationship potential. It's like practicing for a job interview by going to interviews for jobs you don't actually care about. By going out with a variety of guys, you'll find that many of them have great qualities, and those qualities become less snowflakey in time. And then when you meet an awesome guy, you won't be so overwhelmed with "omg ur amazing in so many ways" (because that sort of thing will have normalized), and it will be easier to be level-headed, and focus on what's actually unique about him. Also you'll be more accustomed to things not working out, and not getting in a twist about that either - so overall you'll relax more during the first dates. And seriously, sometimes a guy will surprise you - I'm now in a LTR with someone who was originally just an interesting person to meet.
Also cut out the long emails back and forth - if you like a guy, and there's been a couple good emails, then cut to the chase and suggest a meeting. DO NOT email ad nauseum - people can spend hours writing emails back and forth, describing intimate details about one another, but they are carefully planned and it is unlikely that they portray the person as they are IRL. Body language, intonation of voice, cadence of speech, actual speech patterns, and spontaneous conversation - their mannerisms are what you want to know, the sooner the better. Later on in dating, that's so sweet to get to know a different side of the bf via writing. But for now, you want to know who they are in-person, and you want this before you've built up a pile of expectations in your head.
In those first few weeks, the fantasizing and limerence are normal and you don't have to beat yourself up for falling so fast. But I bet in this time you're letting other friends and family fall to the wayside in hopes of spending hours on the internet with/for him, freeing up your time to spend with him, etc. Don't do that. You must remember to maintain your own social life... in fact, put a higher priority on it. Visit friends and family, go to your fitness/art/whatever classes, have reasons to be busy with social obligations half the time. This is an emotional buffer, distancing yourself from him just a little bit to make sure things slow down.
posted by lizbunny at 5:10 PM on September 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, I feel better about this now :)
I especially like auto-correct's advice. #3 I think will be my new dating mantra!
posted by DoubleLune at 6:29 PM on September 6, 2011
I especially like auto-correct's advice. #3 I think will be my new dating mantra!
posted by DoubleLune at 6:29 PM on September 6, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Two: There is no The One. Every relationship is a choice you make. You can make good choices or poor choices, and sometimes you make what seems like a good choice and get screwed anyway. But you need to understand on a real level that this is not a fairy tale and there is no one guy chosen for you by destiny who you need to find so he can drop into your life and auto-complete you.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:33 PM on September 6, 2011 [9 favorites]