Nervous for a first date after red flag, please hope me!

August 25, 2011 11:22 AM

Got a first date tomorrow. Yay! Red flag came up in first phone conversation last night. Boo! New to online dating, and dating in general really. Tips?

I've only been on a few dates in my life (first date ever lead to a long relationship that ended a year ago, had a rebound thing afterwards and one other date that never went anywhere, but that's it). Guy contacted me on OKCupid and we wrote long messages back and forth for a few weeks (he was out of town). Seems like a good guy, some things seemed like good compatibilities, some maybe not so much, but I figured I might as well start to get my feet wet and go for it.

Last night he wanted to give me a call to firm up details, and even though it was late (midnight) I said sure. It was a little awkward, which I guess is normal, but he seemed distracted and pissy, which kind of reminded me of the ex and turned me off a little. Now I'm sort of dreading tomorrow night.

I'm marking that down as a red flag but plan to go ahead with the date anyway. I think I'm finally in a good place for dating, as I'm trying not to put much stock into it's success or failure. I'm hoping it will go well and I'll like him, but I know that dating is a numbers game and it's no big deal if things don't work out.

Question time: now I'm sort of assuming the red flag will just be the first, and I won't want to continue. I'd be happy to be wrong of course! If I do feel that way though, what do I do? Say at the end of the date, thanks but no thanks? Send a message to that effect later? Disappear completely?

Any more general tips on first online date are welcome as well, like I said up top I'm new to this.

If it matters at all, this is a gay type thing.

posted by Ceci n'est pas un sockpuppet to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Go. You have something more important to do?

The first 'real' interaction after edating is always awkward, and he could have been distracted and pissy for any number of reasons.

It is a numbers game, so pump up those numbers.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:26 AM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

You can leave anytime you want to if he isn't acceptable. You never know, maybe his cat puked in his lap or something right before you talked.
posted by TheRedArmy at 11:28 AM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Assuming you didn't leave mid-date and saw the night through, here's what might happen:

1- You two like one another and he/you asks you/him out again.
2- He likes you, but you don't like him. He calls you to go out again and you say "no thanks." Because, unless he was an incredibly untoward asshole -- in which case you totally should have left mid-date -- that's the nice thing to do, rather than not picking up or whatever.
3- You like him, but he doesn't like you. You call him to go out again and he says "no thanks." Or doesn't pick up. Or whatever.
4- Neither of you have a particularly great time and no one contacts the other.

Simple as that.
posted by griphus at 11:29 AM on August 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

The perfect way to know if it's really a concern to to go on a date, or two. That is the point of dating. If you are turned off, you have no obligation to keep dating.
posted by beau jackson at 11:29 AM on August 25, 2011

In online dating, where I haven't had a chance to see the guy in a non-date context, I give a little more leeway than I would otherwise. In your place, I would go on the date and just kind of see what's what, with no expectation of anything.

Here is what you do if you go on a date with a person from a dating site and you don't care to see them again.

1. Don't agree to a second date or anything. If they propose a second date during the date, say, "That sounds interesting- let me check my schedule and get back to you!"
2. When you get home, send them a message on the dating site that says the following,

"Hey, Maximillian, I had a nice time meeting with you at PLACE today. You're a great guy, but I just didn't feel that spark. Hope you find the one you're looking for on here! Best, Le SockPuppet."
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:32 AM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

Good advice so far -- one more thing about your red flag: a lot of people really suck at phone conversations. I think it has something to do so many interactions taking place online, through email. or through text. I have this experience all the time dealing with people in a professional environment -- I have lots of meetings via conference calls, most of which I'm leading, so I'm actually better over the phone than almost anything else. But if not for those calls, I'd be on the phone 0-10 minutes a month, and the same was true when dating. I've found that, even professionally, a lot of people can seem like totally dicks on the phone and are surprisingly pleasant face to face.

That said, if you find him equally off putting in person, you can either say so at the end -- which is bold and brave but scary, and, to be honest, doesn't really give him a comfortable way to duck out -- or just let him know afterward as Snarl Furillo has suggested (I'd do that.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:39 AM on August 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

My vote is that this is your brain going, "Mayday, mayday! Go elsewhere!".

When I first got started on OkCupid I realized that the people I was talking to initially were carbon copies of my exes. I only liked them because they were familiar and that's what made them seem attractive. Quickly, though, like you, I started noticing little things that reminded me of the exes I particularly wanted to get out of my life, and that's when I really realized that I needed to take a close look at my profile, what I was looking for, and how that was translating to the matches I was getting. I was constantly being disappointed with the attitudes and dispositions I was encountering. Sure enough, once I re-evaluated some of those things and made some subtle adjustments to my profile, a new person contacted me and we've been together for nearly a year now. He is profoundly different than the guys I was initially talking to.

YMMV, but I thought I'd share my perspective anyway.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:42 AM on August 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

Ugh. I hate phone calls before meeting in person for exactly this reason - there are so many ways to misread what's going on. Maybe he's incredibly excited about meeting you and that made him tongue-tied, which made him seem pissy and distracted, and he'll be perfectly lovely in person. (Or not. But I don't think you should go in assuming the worst.)

griphus and Snarl Furillo have got the "what next" scenarios pretty well covered. There's one more that I sometimes try, which is the "I enjoyed talking to you, and I think I would like to meet again, but I didn't feel the spark I'm looking for - are you interested in meeting as friends? " which gets used when the conversation is really good, but I'm pretty sure the chemistry isn't there and isn't going to be. This works out maybe one time in ten (and that may be a generous estimate), so I'm thinking about just letting it go, but it has worked out on occasion. (Only use it if you're really confident that you're not going to be attracted to the person. Chemistry can build over time.)

Don't stress. I hope you have a good time!
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:43 AM on August 25, 2011

Just go and see what he's like and if you have fun together. If he's no fun or you don't like him or there's no spark, you're out a couple hours of your life. Heavy expectations can be kind of problematic so try to avoid them. Overthinking is probably the biggest obstacle to a fun date, in my experience.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:51 AM on August 25, 2011

You might have been perceiving his aloofness due to shyness as distraction because your ex was a certain way. Give him the benefit of doubt, hang out with him and if any red flags arise in person, you can rethink it!
posted by katypickle at 12:16 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

My first phone conversation with The Future Mr. Julthumbscrew was HORRIBLE... awkward and boring and mostly-inaudible. I later discovered that this was because TFMJT is a bit shy and socially-awkward and HATES talking on the phone. I also later discovered that he was AWESOME, which I would NOT have discovered had I judged him based on his phone demeanor.
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:17 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, phone convos suck. Just go, and don't place too much stress on the date leading somewhere. Just have a goal of having a nice night. And if it turns out that hey, he's nothing you see in your future, oh well - you had a nice evening. I think online dating works best when you're not putting too much stress on yourself (or the other person) to be something special, especially not immediately out of the gate.

(For what it's worth, I met my fiance on OKC, so perhaps I'm not a subjective voice)
posted by Windigo at 12:29 PM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

I've been on many internet dates, and the one thing I've learned is other than the *really* big things, it's useless trying to determine chemistry before meeting in person.

Almost as a rule, the women I've felt a real connection to online/over the phone have been disappointments, and the ones I've been less excited to meet have been great people.

Pre-date screening is for appearance and spelling (just me?); wait till you meet to check for chemistry.
posted by auto-correct at 12:35 PM on August 25, 2011

I met my partner of 7 years on-line. The first time he called me, he said *I* sounded pissy and distracted. But I was the one pushing for the first meeting ( I was an online dating pro, he was a novice), so we planned a date. He very nearly stood me up, because he had a mild panic attack about his first "internet" date, but pulled himself together at the last minute. We had a great date, and took it slow for several months before making it a exclusive sort of thing. It has blossomed into the most deeply satisfying and stable relationship I've ever had.

All this to say... the phone doesn't mean much. My bf still complains that I sound "mean" on the phone. And like others have said, there were people I had great phone conversations, but the chemistry flopped in person.

I was never brave enough to say "thanks but no thanks" to their faces. I usually did it by e-mails.
posted by kimdog at 1:24 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not enough info to screen him out, I don't think. Maybe he was distracted and pissy because it was midnight and he'd only just got home.

Do keep it in the back of your mind, as this could be a blip that doesn't signify much or it could be a part of a pattern. But on its own - doesn't tell you much.
posted by tel3path at 1:55 PM on August 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

You're beanplating. Go on the date. If its a good or a middling date, go on another. If its a crappy date, don't go on another.

Some people aren't good on the phone. Some people are weird when they are nervous. Some people were trying to be normal while their cat destroyed a chair. You have no idea if its a red flag or a one off. It really doesn't matter. You don't need to figure it out. Just go on the date.
posted by Kololo at 3:05 PM on August 25, 2011

My husband is STILL awkward and pissy-sounding on the phone to me. That's how he is on the phone.

In person, he's quite lovely. Go on the date!
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:18 PM on August 25, 2011

I've gone on a bazillion internet dates but I refuse to do a pre date phone call. Its always awkward.

Then again, I'm also all about following your gut. So, you see the red flag, see if it's really there.
posted by sully75 at 5:06 PM on August 25, 2011

Bring enough cash so that if something bad comes up during dinner you can pay for your half and leave. Keep in mind: you are not obligated to stay through dinner. I would also suggest meeting at the restaurant instead of one person giving the other a ride so you can be flexible. Even if he gives you a ride you are not obligated to get a ride back with him, leave and go to a secure place, even if its just the resturant bathroom and call a taxi or friend. If you give him a ride to dinner, you are not obligated to give him a ride back (although is very rude to leave him stranded unless he's been a real dick).

Hopefully you will not need the above advice, but I just feel it's very important to remember that your personal safety and comfort zone are far more important than being polite to someone who's being a jerk on a date.
posted by HMSSM at 7:26 PM on August 25, 2011

Just remember that phone calls are often stressful for lots of people; me, for instance, I find it extremely difficult to have a long conversation on the phone because I often riff off on the other person's body language as I do on what they say.

That said, intuition, often guided by experience, is a good thing. Never ignore what your it says.

You're an adult; it is possible to hold two contradictory thoughts at the same time. :)
posted by the cydonian at 12:52 AM on August 26, 2011

but he seemed distracted and pissy

What did he actually do? Did he actually say something that you have a problem with? Are you just reacting to tone? Tone really doesn't come across on the phone- half the time it doesn't come across right in person. Either one or both of you could just be bad on the phone.

Unless there's something concrete that he actually did, your "red flag" just sounds like nerves.
posted by spaltavian at 9:38 AM on August 26, 2011

I don't think it's ever a good idea to ignore "red flags"...none of us heard the call; maybe there was something more subtle and complex beyond "distracted and pissy" that's skeeving her out. Remember the "Gift of Fear"? Sure it's a numbers game, but keep an strong eye on what your gut is telling you, because your gut is right more often than you think.
posted by aquafortis at 12:38 AM on August 28, 2011

i've also gone on a bazillian internet dates and yes its a numbers game but i also noticed a trend - every time i had one of those akward red flag situations from an email or phoneconversation, the actual meeting was equally akward and I never saw him again or i spent three months dating him and realized i should have gone with the intial gut reaction. i have literally emailed a guy after the first phone conversation and canceled the plans we just made on the phone because after rehashing the conversation and understanding what it was he said i was uncomfortable with i realized it would be a waste of my and his time to get together. i could be wrong too, you may be so new to this that you need to go out on this date...and it could be good. make it short, with an easy exit plan ..such as..."oh my mom is arriving at the airport at 8pm and i must pick her up".
posted by dmbfan93 at 6:31 PM on August 30, 2011

Response by poster: Hey, figured I should stick my hand back in this puppet and give an update.

I didn't put specifics earlier, but the distraction pissiness was related to roommates moving some of his things, he kept sort of muttering about it and was definitely distracted by it. Not the biggest deal in the world, but not just reading too much into initial awkwardness.

I went on the date and it was fine, nothing super sparkly but no other red flags to speak of. We had planned another for tonight but he begged off sick this morning, so I said to let me know when he's free. So ball's over in his court; if he contacts me I'm happy to see how date 2 goes, if not I'm not super torn up about it.

Thanks for the advice, definitely helped talk me back from the ledge a bit!
posted by Ceci n'est pas un sockpuppet at 1:06 PM on August 31, 2011