Oh diary, why doesn't he write to me?
August 8, 2011 11:12 PM Subscribe
Should I contact him?
A couple years ago, I had a romantic interlude with "Dave." It was pretty intense for both of us, but I was about to travel for several months, so he didn't want to start anything. I ended up disappointed. (Perhaps he did too.)
Fast-forward to now. We're both in the same town again and both single. I invite Dave to coffee, hoping to clear the air now that some time has passed. I have absolutely no expectations of anything beyond polite conversation. I refrain from romantic gestures, but by the end of the evening he makes a move on me. We agree to get together again.
The next time we meet, Dave tells me that he's just learned that he needs to go away for work. He's not sure how long--a few months, maybe. He'd known this was a possibility and mentioned it over coffee, but now that it's real, he doesn't know what he wants.
I say ok--what else can I say? But I am disappointed. Again. We agree to get together, whatever that means, when he gets back, whenever that is. Plus vague promises to stay in touch.
I text him once, but don't hear back at all. And now I feel really bad, because Dave got my hopes up again and I let him. He started something and then left me hanging.
I'm reading what I've written, and it makes Dave sound like kind of a player. He's not. He's a long-term commitment kind of guy, and he's honest. Of course, that doesn't mean he can't still jerk me around.
I know the easiest thing would be for me to stop caring and move on, but I can't do that. So what should I do? Should I confront him (and feel all needy and whiny) or should I shut up (and feel victimized)?
A couple years ago, I had a romantic interlude with "Dave." It was pretty intense for both of us, but I was about to travel for several months, so he didn't want to start anything. I ended up disappointed. (Perhaps he did too.)
Fast-forward to now. We're both in the same town again and both single. I invite Dave to coffee, hoping to clear the air now that some time has passed. I have absolutely no expectations of anything beyond polite conversation. I refrain from romantic gestures, but by the end of the evening he makes a move on me. We agree to get together again.
The next time we meet, Dave tells me that he's just learned that he needs to go away for work. He's not sure how long--a few months, maybe. He'd known this was a possibility and mentioned it over coffee, but now that it's real, he doesn't know what he wants.
I say ok--what else can I say? But I am disappointed. Again. We agree to get together, whatever that means, when he gets back, whenever that is. Plus vague promises to stay in touch.
I text him once, but don't hear back at all. And now I feel really bad, because Dave got my hopes up again and I let him. He started something and then left me hanging.
I'm reading what I've written, and it makes Dave sound like kind of a player. He's not. He's a long-term commitment kind of guy, and he's honest. Of course, that doesn't mean he can't still jerk me around.
I know the easiest thing would be for me to stop caring and move on, but I can't do that. So what should I do? Should I confront him (and feel all needy and whiny) or should I shut up (and feel victimized)?
No. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Do not contact him.
You already know this.
posted by Nixy at 11:20 PM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
You already know this.
posted by Nixy at 11:20 PM on August 8, 2011 [5 favorites]
Don't confront him, he was up front with you about the travel. He doesn't sound like a player to me, he sounds like he doesn't want to start a LDR after one coffee. Just because you had a good time a couple years ago doesn't mean much in this situation. Wait until he gets back in town and ask him out for a coffee again, then you will know.
posted by boobjob at 11:23 PM on August 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by boobjob at 11:23 PM on August 8, 2011 [6 favorites]
No, deal with your own feelings instead. Your fears of being needy and whiny and your feelings of victimization have nothing to do with him. It doesn't even sound like you know him very well. Therapy might be helpful, if you're open to it.
posted by Wordwoman at 11:29 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Wordwoman at 11:29 PM on August 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he was more or less completely upfront with you regarding his moving plans. Given that you're A) not currently dating and B) not even really friends, I'm having trouble imagining why you feel like he owes you anything. If moving on is really impossible, I second Wordwoman's suggestion of therapy.
posted by tau_ceti at 11:41 PM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by tau_ceti at 11:41 PM on August 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
I re-wrote your version of events.
A couple years ago, I hada romantic interlude sex with "Dave." It was pretty intense for both of us me, but I was about to travel for several months, so he didn't want to start anything dumped me. I ended up disappointed. (Perhaps he did too.)
Fast-forward to now. We're both in the same town again and both single. I invite Dave to coffee, hoping toclear the air get him to fall madly in love with me now that some time has passed. I have absolutely no extreme and irrational expectations of anything beyond polite conversation. I refrain from romantic gestures deny this to myself, but by the end of the evening he makes a move on me. We agree I jump at the chance to get together again.
The next time we meet, Dave tells me that he's just learned that he needs to go away for work. He's not sure how long--a few months, maybe. He'd known this was a possibility and mentioned it over coffee, but now that it's real, hedoesn't know what he wants hopes I'll still have sex with him with the understanding that it won't be anything serious or long term.
We agree I steer things in the direction of plans for us to get together, whatever that means, when he gets back, whenever that is. Plus He loses interest at this point and makes vague bullshit promises to stay in touch.
I text him once, but don't hear back at all. And now I feel really bad, because Davegot my hopes up again and I let him. He started something and then left me hanging.
I'm reading what I've written, and it makes Dave sound like kind of is a player.
I know theeasiest only sensible thing would be for me to stop caring and move on, but I can't and I will do that.
posted by Nixy at 11:43 PM on August 8, 2011 [49 favorites]
A couple years ago, I had
Fast-forward to now. We're both in the same town again and both single. I invite Dave to coffee, hoping to
The next time we meet, Dave tells me that he's just learned that he needs to go away for work. He's not sure how long--a few months, maybe. He'd known this was a possibility and mentioned it over coffee, but now that it's real, he
I text him once, but don't hear back at all. And now I feel really bad, because Dave
I'm reading what I've written, and it makes Dave sound like kind of
I know the
posted by Nixy at 11:43 PM on August 8, 2011 [49 favorites]
Find someone else to think about. :)
posted by trevyn at 12:11 AM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by trevyn at 12:11 AM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't know if there's too much going on here other than a bit of yearning.
If you like him, contact him, but if you want someone around more permanently you might need to find someone else.
posted by mleigh at 1:15 AM on August 9, 2011
If you like him, contact him, but if you want someone around more permanently you might need to find someone else.
posted by mleigh at 1:15 AM on August 9, 2011
Even though I completely agree with Nixy, if I were you I would probably still put my heart on my sleeve and just tell him that I like him and I want to give a relationship with him a shot. Note that's what I would probably do, not what I think you should necessarily do, and if you're able to just put these things out of your mind and walk away, that's better -- I can't. But it sounds like you never have actually directly told him you want to be in a relationship now or directly asked how he feels. For some reason, when I get a wishy washy answer after being really direct with a guy, it's a lot easier to face reality and move on then when I've been wishy washy myself.
posted by Ashley801 at 1:45 AM on August 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Ashley801 at 1:45 AM on August 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Before I read the whole question, I thought to myself: "No."
After having read the more inside: "Hell no."
What are you, kidding?
posted by notsnot at 4:03 AM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
After having read the more inside: "Hell no."
What are you, kidding?
posted by notsnot at 4:03 AM on August 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Dave got my hopes up again and I let him. He started something and then left me hanging.
Wha...? You invited him for coffee. He told you he might have have to go away for work. He was completely up front with you and you hooked up with him anyway, knowing he might have to travel for work. Why on earth would you feel victimized? I just don't get it. Definitely don't confront him unless you want him to think you are nuts.
posted by amro at 4:53 AM on August 9, 2011 [10 favorites]
Wha...? You invited him for coffee. He told you he might have have to go away for work. He was completely up front with you and you hooked up with him anyway, knowing he might have to travel for work. Why on earth would you feel victimized? I just don't get it. Definitely don't confront him unless you want him to think you are nuts.
posted by amro at 4:53 AM on August 9, 2011 [10 favorites]
Confront him over what? It's a shame your timing didn't match up, but that's kind of out of his control, isn't it?
Sounds like he was honest about everything and you fell for him harder than you might have wanted and were devastated when he said he now had to go. Again, it's a shame, but it was out of his control...so confronting him wouldn't do any good.
You're not a victim of anything other than bad timing. This stuff happens. It's okay to be upset as it was very disappointing for you, but don't be upset with him. Be upset with the situation.
posted by inturnaround at 5:46 AM on August 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Sounds like he was honest about everything and you fell for him harder than you might have wanted and were devastated when he said he now had to go. Again, it's a shame, but it was out of his control...so confronting him wouldn't do any good.
You're not a victim of anything other than bad timing. This stuff happens. It's okay to be upset as it was very disappointing for you, but don't be upset with him. Be upset with the situation.
posted by inturnaround at 5:46 AM on August 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Speaking as a man, when a man is into a woman, he will find a way to make it happen. Men devote incredible amounts of energy and time to interacting with their mates. If he is not finding a way to make it happen, move on. Dating is a numbers game, after all.
In terms of the deeper question – of how you should feel about him and your time together, well, you can choose to feel however you would like about it.
There are multiple narratives:
1) You had two chances at love and each time, there was a spark but no fire. The first chance left you hanging a little and now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
2) He is a player and out to satisfy his own needs at the expense of others. He never did care deeply about you and took advantage of how you felt/feel about him. You were open, honest, and authentic, and now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
3) He is a moy (a man–boy), emotionally incapable of bidirectional adult relationships and too wrapped up in sport, hobbies, pub nights, video games, work, whatever to dedicate himself to having a functional relationship with you. Perhaps he wishes things were different, doesn't understand why he cannot never sort things out with great women. Now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
There is a theme to any narrative you create along this line: now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
There are other forms of narratives as well, which may include:
4) That there is something wrong with you, that he did really love you and you messed it up. Thus, you should be quiet and not cause any more trouble and just accept his limitations.
5) There is something that you can say that will change the situation to produce the outcome that you know can exist for you and him.
6) Given enough time, he will realise that he indeed does love you, but down the video games and the beer, and the fairytale plays on.
These second three narratives have a similar theme in that none of them involve you moving on and hanging up this relationship. You say that you can't do it. But the reality is that you can. You cannot fly. You cannot grow a tail and communicate with canines in their native language. You cannot reverse time.
You can just let Dave go live his life and you do the same.
The thing is, you are attached to an outcome – Dave and you together in some kind of a comforting situation. None of the initial three narratives are desirable because they each involve you losing Dave. But the trick is that you do not have Dave. You never had Dave. You gave it two tries and it didn't stick.
And that's fine. Who gives a flying toss what's going on in his mental process? He's made the choice to pass on the option, either consciously or subconsciously, and you owe it to yourself to go find someone that has you on google looking for couples holidays instead of on metafilter asking us to dewankify a wanker.
He is a wanker. Consider yourself saved, because with those traits, if you did get what you think that you want, you would actually probably be quite miserable.
Thus, perhaps it's best if you feel like you gave it two chances, it didn't stick, and now it's time for something new.
posted by nickrussell at 6:13 AM on August 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
In terms of the deeper question – of how you should feel about him and your time together, well, you can choose to feel however you would like about it.
There are multiple narratives:
1) You had two chances at love and each time, there was a spark but no fire. The first chance left you hanging a little and now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
2) He is a player and out to satisfy his own needs at the expense of others. He never did care deeply about you and took advantage of how you felt/feel about him. You were open, honest, and authentic, and now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
3) He is a moy (a man–boy), emotionally incapable of bidirectional adult relationships and too wrapped up in sport, hobbies, pub nights, video games, work, whatever to dedicate himself to having a functional relationship with you. Perhaps he wishes things were different, doesn't understand why he cannot never sort things out with great women. Now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
There is a theme to any narrative you create along this line: now you truly see that this relationship is simply not there.
There are other forms of narratives as well, which may include:
4) That there is something wrong with you, that he did really love you and you messed it up. Thus, you should be quiet and not cause any more trouble and just accept his limitations.
5) There is something that you can say that will change the situation to produce the outcome that you know can exist for you and him.
6) Given enough time, he will realise that he indeed does love you, but down the video games and the beer, and the fairytale plays on.
These second three narratives have a similar theme in that none of them involve you moving on and hanging up this relationship. You say that you can't do it. But the reality is that you can. You cannot fly. You cannot grow a tail and communicate with canines in their native language. You cannot reverse time.
You can just let Dave go live his life and you do the same.
The thing is, you are attached to an outcome – Dave and you together in some kind of a comforting situation. None of the initial three narratives are desirable because they each involve you losing Dave. But the trick is that you do not have Dave. You never had Dave. You gave it two tries and it didn't stick.
And that's fine. Who gives a flying toss what's going on in his mental process? He's made the choice to pass on the option, either consciously or subconsciously, and you owe it to yourself to go find someone that has you on google looking for couples holidays instead of on metafilter asking us to dewankify a wanker.
He is a wanker. Consider yourself saved, because with those traits, if you did get what you think that you want, you would actually probably be quite miserable.
Thus, perhaps it's best if you feel like you gave it two chances, it didn't stick, and now it's time for something new.
posted by nickrussell at 6:13 AM on August 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
Speaking as a man, when a man is into a woman, he will find a way to make it happen.
This is a fiction and it is damaging to relationships. It is unfortunate in the extreme.
There are plenty of situations in which it is impossible or extraordinarily difficult to "make it happen". Money problems. Living very far apart, like in different countries. Family issues. Commitments made prior to finding the person you are into. Substance abuse problems. Bad timing.
"Men" don't have some special make-it-happen gene that causes them to drop everything or for a woman they are interested in. Neither do women. In life, there are many situations that prevent us from doing what we want, or having what we want. There are many situations where denying responsibility and single-mindedly pursuing a relationship would be painful/difficult/expensive/destructive than waiting it out or trying again later. And in many situations, dropping a great opportunity for a nascent relationship is a sure path to resentment and bad feelings.
OP, I write all this just to say - blame the situation, not the person. Be upset with the situation, not the person. If he has the integrity you say he has, and has been honest, give him the benefit of the doubt and get in touch with him when he returns. All that's wrong is the timing, but time heals, too.
posted by fake at 9:26 AM on August 9, 2011 [6 favorites]
This is a fiction and it is damaging to relationships. It is unfortunate in the extreme.
There are plenty of situations in which it is impossible or extraordinarily difficult to "make it happen". Money problems. Living very far apart, like in different countries. Family issues. Commitments made prior to finding the person you are into. Substance abuse problems. Bad timing.
"Men" don't have some special make-it-happen gene that causes them to drop everything or for a woman they are interested in. Neither do women. In life, there are many situations that prevent us from doing what we want, or having what we want. There are many situations where denying responsibility and single-mindedly pursuing a relationship would be painful/difficult/expensive/destructive than waiting it out or trying again later. And in many situations, dropping a great opportunity for a nascent relationship is a sure path to resentment and bad feelings.
OP, I write all this just to say - blame the situation, not the person. Be upset with the situation, not the person. If he has the integrity you say he has, and has been honest, give him the benefit of the doubt and get in touch with him when he returns. All that's wrong is the timing, but time heals, too.
posted by fake at 9:26 AM on August 9, 2011 [6 favorites]
What kind of work do you guys do? Global development? Military? If it's not something like this, then I don't entirely buy his story that he has to go away but he's not sure how long, probably months.
If it is something like this, and you genuinely like him, you might try, briefly, maintaining contact with him, via Facebook, Skype, email, or whatever, and see how your friendship develops. After a few exchanges, you might express how you feel to him if he hasn't done it first.
Personally, I think he's not interested in a relationship with you, and I agree with the comments above that if he were, he'd find a way to either make it happen or communicate with you more clearly that he wants it to happen.
posted by Philemon at 11:20 AM on August 9, 2011
If it is something like this, and you genuinely like him, you might try, briefly, maintaining contact with him, via Facebook, Skype, email, or whatever, and see how your friendship develops. After a few exchanges, you might express how you feel to him if he hasn't done it first.
Personally, I think he's not interested in a relationship with you, and I agree with the comments above that if he were, he'd find a way to either make it happen or communicate with you more clearly that he wants it to happen.
posted by Philemon at 11:20 AM on August 9, 2011
Both times in this situation the delay has been "I'm going to be gone for a few months." They could have just agreed to reunite in 3 months if Dave had really wanted to start something with the poster. It's not great timing, but it's not "I just met the love of my life and I'm moving to China for five years" bad timing.
I think Dave just isn't that into you, I am sorry to say. It sounds like his reaction to getting together with you is kind of "meh, if I'm around I guess she's all right." He may not be a player, but he doesn't strike me as wanting to eventually make a commitment to you specifically, especially given how vague he's being about "getting together when I get back, whenever the hell that is, I dunno." You deserve better than a guy who feels "meh, she's good enough to stick my cock in occasionally" about you.
So stop talking to him, because any time you do it gets your hopes up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:45 PM on August 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think Dave just isn't that into you, I am sorry to say. It sounds like his reaction to getting together with you is kind of "meh, if I'm around I guess she's all right." He may not be a player, but he doesn't strike me as wanting to eventually make a commitment to you specifically, especially given how vague he's being about "getting together when I get back, whenever the hell that is, I dunno." You deserve better than a guy who feels "meh, she's good enough to stick my cock in occasionally" about you.
So stop talking to him, because any time you do it gets your hopes up.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:45 PM on August 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nixy FTW! Seriously, that was brilliant.
OP, have a look at this post. Maybe you'll find a bit of your situation in it. In the meantime, he's just not that into you. Let it go and move on.
posted by foxjacket at 2:24 PM on August 9, 2011
OP, have a look at this post. Maybe you'll find a bit of your situation in it. In the meantime, he's just not that into you. Let it go and move on.
posted by foxjacket at 2:24 PM on August 9, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The otter lady at 11:18 PM on August 8, 2011 [10 favorites]