How can we be more comfortable around each other?
July 30, 2011 8:16 PM Subscribe
There is a guy i've started to like, but we're so shy and awkward around each other in person. How can we become more comfortable around each other?
Talking on the internet/facebook me and the guy i like can hold lengthy conversations, talking in person however has been proven to be quite the challenge.
There are times where we'll both be at the same social gathering and he'll say something out loud and i'll reply to it, and then he'll say something but it's more like an off hand comment not directed to me at all. Or, sometimes its as if i'm not even there and he'll talk to everyone but me.
Or he'll do what i think is him trying to show off by blowing smoke rings when i'm around.
Then, like the other night his friend kept inviting me go outside with them every time they went to smoke. His friend would start up a conversation with both of us, and just as an example he'd say something like "So Bob, did you know Mary has never listened to led zeppelin before?!" and then he'll reply, and i'll say something and he'll say something else and that will be the end of it.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up much with him just in case, but still...
How can i or rather we become more comfortable around each other?
How can we talk more in person without the help of his friend?
Talking on the internet/facebook me and the guy i like can hold lengthy conversations, talking in person however has been proven to be quite the challenge.
There are times where we'll both be at the same social gathering and he'll say something out loud and i'll reply to it, and then he'll say something but it's more like an off hand comment not directed to me at all. Or, sometimes its as if i'm not even there and he'll talk to everyone but me.
Or he'll do what i think is him trying to show off by blowing smoke rings when i'm around.
Then, like the other night his friend kept inviting me go outside with them every time they went to smoke. His friend would start up a conversation with both of us, and just as an example he'd say something like "So Bob, did you know Mary has never listened to led zeppelin before?!" and then he'll reply, and i'll say something and he'll say something else and that will be the end of it.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up much with him just in case, but still...
How can i or rather we become more comfortable around each other?
How can we talk more in person without the help of his friend?
People generally like to talk about themselves, or about things they're passionate about.
For example, I like to work on guitars. Ask me what I"m working on, or what I think about the latest Fender Jazz bass model, and I could go on until your ears starting bleeding.
The key is to find out what they're really interested in, and ask deeper questions about it. Ask "So, what's your favorite scene in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy? Why?" instead of "Do you like Elijah Wood?".
It's all about leading questions that have an open end to spur on conversation. It also works both ways. Maybe try turning his close-ended questions ("How many siblings do you have?") into something open ended by talking about what your siblings are up to these days (college, unusual career, etc.).
Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. It is still sometimes difficult for me to make conversation if the other person isn't having it. Sometimes, it's just not a good match though, and you have to learn when to recognize that and move on.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 8:27 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
For example, I like to work on guitars. Ask me what I"m working on, or what I think about the latest Fender Jazz bass model, and I could go on until your ears starting bleeding.
The key is to find out what they're really interested in, and ask deeper questions about it. Ask "So, what's your favorite scene in the Lord Of The Rings trilogy? Why?" instead of "Do you like Elijah Wood?".
It's all about leading questions that have an open end to spur on conversation. It also works both ways. Maybe try turning his close-ended questions ("How many siblings do you have?") into something open ended by talking about what your siblings are up to these days (college, unusual career, etc.).
Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. It is still sometimes difficult for me to make conversation if the other person isn't having it. Sometimes, it's just not a good match though, and you have to learn when to recognize that and move on.
posted by chrisfromthelc at 8:27 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tell him you fancy him and ask him out. Just you and him.
posted by joannemullen at 8:30 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by joannemullen at 8:30 PM on July 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pass on this.
You already know who he is - someone who can't be comfortable relating to someone in a romantic context.
Too much work on your end. You don't want someone who can't make an equal investment.
Pass.
posted by jbenben at 10:55 PM on July 30, 2011
You already know who he is - someone who can't be comfortable relating to someone in a romantic context.
Too much work on your end. You don't want someone who can't make an equal investment.
Pass.
posted by jbenben at 10:55 PM on July 30, 2011
Alcohol. I'm not kidding. I've been in this situation and it helped. A lot. It's not necessarily the healthiest option, and I probably should have done years of therapy instead. But yeah getting drunk enough that I didn't really care what the guy thought? Yeah, it helped.
posted by bananafish at 11:03 PM on July 30, 2011
posted by bananafish at 11:03 PM on July 30, 2011
Pass on this.
Ha, my reaction was the opposite: just start dating already. Once you stop this "what's going on?" dance, things might get a lot more comfortable. It's not that you'll necessarily talk more, but you'll care less about what that means. In the meantime, let's see, ask a lot of questions?
posted by salvia at 11:07 PM on July 30, 2011
Ha, my reaction was the opposite: just start dating already. Once you stop this "what's going on?" dance, things might get a lot more comfortable. It's not that you'll necessarily talk more, but you'll care less about what that means. In the meantime, let's see, ask a lot of questions?
posted by salvia at 11:07 PM on July 30, 2011
For me, one of the worst things about feeling awkward around someone is that little voice in the back of my head launching into panic mode: it runs around flailing its arms and wailing that I'M the source of the awkward, as if the other person wouldn't be feeling uncomfortable at all if I weren't such a big gawky goober. What makes it even worse is when we both try to act like the awkwardness isn't there ("oh god it's me this person SEES what a social buffoon I am and is too nice to say so oh god I'm a failure oh god"). So my advice is to just acknowledge the awkwardness and ride it out.
Getting it out in the open in a lighthearted way can help assure the other person that no, it isn't just them, you're both feeling a little fumbly and nervous of what the other one thinks - and that in turn can grant you both enough leeway to experience those inevitable, uncomfortable moments without going into an internal spiral of Social Shame and Despair.
(and for the record, I would add my vote to the people saying you should ask him out. My partner and I might still be dancing around each other in the "I like you but am too shy to say" dance if she hadn't finally taken the initiative, and man, am I glad she did ... at the very least, if things are currently awkward in person anyway it's not like you're going to make them awkward by asking him out!)
posted by DingoMutt at 1:13 AM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Getting it out in the open in a lighthearted way can help assure the other person that no, it isn't just them, you're both feeling a little fumbly and nervous of what the other one thinks - and that in turn can grant you both enough leeway to experience those inevitable, uncomfortable moments without going into an internal spiral of Social Shame and Despair.
(and for the record, I would add my vote to the people saying you should ask him out. My partner and I might still be dancing around each other in the "I like you but am too shy to say" dance if she hadn't finally taken the initiative, and man, am I glad she did ... at the very least, if things are currently awkward in person anyway it's not like you're going to make them awkward by asking him out!)
posted by DingoMutt at 1:13 AM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think awkwardness is a good sign. Agree with those who say just start dating already.
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:26 AM on July 31, 2011
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:26 AM on July 31, 2011
What about actually doing something together, instead of just standing around talking? Just to throw out some suggestions...build something, fix something, cook something, climb a wall, whatever you and/or he likes to do. It could work if one of you is more of an expert and can help the other, or if both of you are beginners and need to figure it out together.
If you are both pursuing the same quest, there can be a lot of talking in order to accomplish it, which can give you time to get comfortable near each other.
posted by CathyG at 8:48 AM on July 31, 2011
If you are both pursuing the same quest, there can be a lot of talking in order to accomplish it, which can give you time to get comfortable near each other.
posted by CathyG at 8:48 AM on July 31, 2011
In my experience, start talking about sex. That gets 'em real comfortable, even the shy ones.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:33 AM on July 31, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 9:33 AM on July 31, 2011
I'm a shy person who's attracted to shy guys. Not the best combo for great conversation, but here's something that works for me: instead of getting frustrated and worried and all that, focus on keeping yourself calm and making him as comfortable around you as possible. As others mentioned, figure out some topics that interest him. Really listen to what he says -- e.g. if he mentions that he's working on "x" at work, next time you see him you can say, "hey, how is x going?" Like CathyG said, think of some activities you could do, and whatever you're doing can be the focus of conversation (e.g. cooking together might lead to a discussion of what kinds of cuisines you both like).
Approach the situation from a place of compassion, with a sincere desire to help him have a good time and overcome his shyness.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:52 AM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
Approach the situation from a place of compassion, with a sincere desire to help him have a good time and overcome his shyness.
posted by phoenix_rising at 10:52 AM on July 31, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 8:26 PM on July 30, 2011