Is this sibling relationship salvageable?
July 26, 2011 2:02 PM Subscribe
How can I fix my relationship with my sister? Should I even try? (long, unfortunately)
Background: My sister and I used to be very close, but when I was in high school she had a falling out with our father and abruptly moved to another state to live with a relative. We subsequently drifted apart. She made many plans to visit home, but for one reason or another they always fell apart. We continued, up until recently, to phone and email regularly, but I have not seen my sister in person in seven years.
She got married a couple of years ago. I knew she was engaged, but when I didn't hear anything about the wedding I assumed it was still in the early stage of planning. It was a shock when I was invited via email by a third party, a week before the wedding. I did not attend the wedding - I needed to get time off work, make arrangements for accommodation, find the money for flights, etc. and a week just wasn't enough time. Also, I'll admit that I was a little hurt by the "invitation" not coming from my sister herself. Unsurprisingly, she was somewhat frosty for some time after I missed her wedding.
So then she had a baby. And at this point I was in school, and I didn't have any money at all for flights or accommodation, and she wasn't in a position to help with either. So I didn't go to see the baby. Again, she was a bit frosty, but (I thought) she understood that I financially wasn't in a position to visit her.
After her child's birth, she decided to sever the contact she had tentatively re-established with our father, and did so in a letter in which she told him all the ways in which he had failed us as a parent. She expected me to back her up, and I did not - our father was certainly unprepared for parenting, but he is not a bad man, and I admittedly had practical concerns, because I cannot afford to lose his assistance with tuition. So I said I didn't want to get involved, which made my sister very angry.
Fast-forward to now: A few months ago, she tagged me in a photo of her child on Facebook. I freely admit that I know next to nothing about Facebook norms, but I assumed that she did this in order to ensure that I would see the photo, so I wrote a nice comment and 'liked' the photo. Then, I untagged myself, because I didn't know if she wanted the photo to be subject to my privacy settings (as is my understanding of tagged photos) and because in my social group it seems children are often tagged with their parents' names, and I didn't want there to be any confusion.
This was probably a mistake, because she went ballistic. She rang up our father and told him, basically, that I am a horrible person who doesn't care about her and is ashamed of her child. (I don't know about horrible person, but the latter two are assuredly not true.) She has not spoken to me since, although I tried to call her on a few occasions after receiving the call from our father. She has also blocked me on Facebook. She has never, ever spoken this strongly against me and I suspect she really intends to no longer have any relationship with me.
So. Should I just accept that I have lost a sister, or do you think there is something I can do to fix things? She won't answer my calls, but I could get a message to her via one of our cousins, although I am reluctant to drag them into it. Our father cannot be an intermediary, for reasons I hope are obvious. I am thinking of writing her a letter (though it's 50/50 whether she'd actually read it) but I have no idea what I should say. If you were her, what could I say to you that would make you forgive me for being a Bad Sister?
Background: My sister and I used to be very close, but when I was in high school she had a falling out with our father and abruptly moved to another state to live with a relative. We subsequently drifted apart. She made many plans to visit home, but for one reason or another they always fell apart. We continued, up until recently, to phone and email regularly, but I have not seen my sister in person in seven years.
She got married a couple of years ago. I knew she was engaged, but when I didn't hear anything about the wedding I assumed it was still in the early stage of planning. It was a shock when I was invited via email by a third party, a week before the wedding. I did not attend the wedding - I needed to get time off work, make arrangements for accommodation, find the money for flights, etc. and a week just wasn't enough time. Also, I'll admit that I was a little hurt by the "invitation" not coming from my sister herself. Unsurprisingly, she was somewhat frosty for some time after I missed her wedding.
So then she had a baby. And at this point I was in school, and I didn't have any money at all for flights or accommodation, and she wasn't in a position to help with either. So I didn't go to see the baby. Again, she was a bit frosty, but (I thought) she understood that I financially wasn't in a position to visit her.
After her child's birth, she decided to sever the contact she had tentatively re-established with our father, and did so in a letter in which she told him all the ways in which he had failed us as a parent. She expected me to back her up, and I did not - our father was certainly unprepared for parenting, but he is not a bad man, and I admittedly had practical concerns, because I cannot afford to lose his assistance with tuition. So I said I didn't want to get involved, which made my sister very angry.
Fast-forward to now: A few months ago, she tagged me in a photo of her child on Facebook. I freely admit that I know next to nothing about Facebook norms, but I assumed that she did this in order to ensure that I would see the photo, so I wrote a nice comment and 'liked' the photo. Then, I untagged myself, because I didn't know if she wanted the photo to be subject to my privacy settings (as is my understanding of tagged photos) and because in my social group it seems children are often tagged with their parents' names, and I didn't want there to be any confusion.
This was probably a mistake, because she went ballistic. She rang up our father and told him, basically, that I am a horrible person who doesn't care about her and is ashamed of her child. (I don't know about horrible person, but the latter two are assuredly not true.) She has not spoken to me since, although I tried to call her on a few occasions after receiving the call from our father. She has also blocked me on Facebook. She has never, ever spoken this strongly against me and I suspect she really intends to no longer have any relationship with me.
So. Should I just accept that I have lost a sister, or do you think there is something I can do to fix things? She won't answer my calls, but I could get a message to her via one of our cousins, although I am reluctant to drag them into it. Our father cannot be an intermediary, for reasons I hope are obvious. I am thinking of writing her a letter (though it's 50/50 whether she'd actually read it) but I have no idea what I should say. If you were her, what could I say to you that would make you forgive me for being a Bad Sister?
If you were her, what could I say to you that would make you forgive me for being a Bad Sister?
You're not a bad sister - your sister is a crazy drama queen and a total loon. Sure, you could suck up and apologise even though you've done nothing wrong but do you really want to have to go through this every time she perceives you've snubbed her or in some way been a "bad sister and a horrible person".
posted by missmagenta at 2:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [26 favorites]
You're not a bad sister - your sister is a crazy drama queen and a total loon. Sure, you could suck up and apologise even though you've done nothing wrong but do you really want to have to go through this every time she perceives you've snubbed her or in some way been a "bad sister and a horrible person".
posted by missmagenta at 2:17 PM on July 26, 2011 [26 favorites]
I think you need to ask yourself how much you want a continued relationship with your sister.
If you do, repairing it is going to be rough. A letter won't fix it, this is going to take time and probably lots of arguing and hurt feelings.
If you do want to repair your relationship with her, then I suggest arrange a meeting with her. Just the two of you, maybe grabbing a coffee or a lunch. Set it up through your cousins if you have to.
posted by royalsong at 2:18 PM on July 26, 2011
If you do, repairing it is going to be rough. A letter won't fix it, this is going to take time and probably lots of arguing and hurt feelings.
If you do want to repair your relationship with her, then I suggest arrange a meeting with her. Just the two of you, maybe grabbing a coffee or a lunch. Set it up through your cousins if you have to.
posted by royalsong at 2:18 PM on July 26, 2011
What you would have to do would be to denounce your father and apologize for not supporting your sister all these years in the way she feels she deserves. You would also have to apologize for not going to her wedding despite not getting an invitation or any time to prepare.
This of course would be bad for you on many levels. Your sister needs to come around on her own. None of the things you have done are bad. You must keep in mind that some family relationships don't work out and its not your fault. Your sister has a lot of baggage towards you that is not of your making. The best thing you can do is be open and friendly and wait for her to come around and if you must be in touch with her a short note telling her you want to be in her life, you love her and that the facebook thing wasn't personal.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:26 PM on July 26, 2011
This of course would be bad for you on many levels. Your sister needs to come around on her own. None of the things you have done are bad. You must keep in mind that some family relationships don't work out and its not your fault. Your sister has a lot of baggage towards you that is not of your making. The best thing you can do is be open and friendly and wait for her to come around and if you must be in touch with her a short note telling her you want to be in her life, you love her and that the facebook thing wasn't personal.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:26 PM on July 26, 2011
You know that quote, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"? I think that applies here. I think your sister has spent her entire life fighting some very hard battles. I'd be willing to bet you don't wholly know what her battles are... And I'd also be willing to bet that she doesn't fully understand them, either.
You can't try to fix your sister. Whatever her battles are, she is the only one that can win or lose them. You can't let her needs, emotional outbursts, and what-have-you take precedence over your own. It is good to be kind, to be understanding, to be there for people in need... But it is always most important to be kind, understanding, and there for yourself.
If you want a relationship with your sister, and if you can manage it, I think it would be best to be honest with her. "I know we've had some distance, and I've never liked it. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I definitely am not embarrassed of you or your baby. I miss you and I wish we were closer." Maybe she'll have it in her to respond positively, maybe she won't. It seems, however, like it would be good for you to be able to say all that to her.
But, the end is, she's fighting her battles. It sounds, from what you say, like maybe she's not doing so well in the ones relating to you and your father -- it sounds like she may not have the emotional strength it takes to give you forgiveness (regardless whether there's actually anything requiring forgiveness!). It sounds like she needs compassion and love... But it also sounds like you may have to resign yourself to not being able to fix things. You ask, if we were her, what we would want you to say. I think you should instead ask, as you, what do you need to give up the guilt you're holding? What can you do to stop seeing yourself as "Bad Sister," regardless your sister's ability to forgive your or not?
posted by meese at 2:27 PM on July 26, 2011 [6 favorites]
You can't try to fix your sister. Whatever her battles are, she is the only one that can win or lose them. You can't let her needs, emotional outbursts, and what-have-you take precedence over your own. It is good to be kind, to be understanding, to be there for people in need... But it is always most important to be kind, understanding, and there for yourself.
If you want a relationship with your sister, and if you can manage it, I think it would be best to be honest with her. "I know we've had some distance, and I've never liked it. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I definitely am not embarrassed of you or your baby. I miss you and I wish we were closer." Maybe she'll have it in her to respond positively, maybe she won't. It seems, however, like it would be good for you to be able to say all that to her.
But, the end is, she's fighting her battles. It sounds, from what you say, like maybe she's not doing so well in the ones relating to you and your father -- it sounds like she may not have the emotional strength it takes to give you forgiveness (regardless whether there's actually anything requiring forgiveness!). It sounds like she needs compassion and love... But it also sounds like you may have to resign yourself to not being able to fix things. You ask, if we were her, what we would want you to say. I think you should instead ask, as you, what do you need to give up the guilt you're holding? What can you do to stop seeing yourself as "Bad Sister," regardless your sister's ability to forgive your or not?
posted by meese at 2:27 PM on July 26, 2011 [6 favorites]
Your reasons for failing to participate in some of the major emotional milestones of her life are pretty, uh, reasonable. But our feelings can be hurt even when we understand the logic behind these things, and I think it's pretty easy to imagine that from her end, all your reasons sound like a collection of big fat cop-outs.
If you want a relationship, what do you think that entails? If your list of what you're willing to give doesn't add up to anything that she thinks is worth getting upset over when you ultimately let her down (which, going forward, would definitely be her assumption at first) then there's nothing really in it for her. If you want to get past that barrier, that means making steady, consistent gestures of goodwill and availability. For months or years, probably. As in, send her cards at holidays, or notes when you are thinking about her, reminding her that you are there and waiting if she'd like to start over.
Do this because it is a good thing to do, it is good for your own heart to reach out, even if her pride or stubbornness or fear keeps her from reaching back.
I don't think she's being a drama queen. Again, from her end you've basically ignored her during key points in her life when she expected family to be there for her. When people feel that way, it's pretty common for them to hold it (maybe be a bit "frosty") and then ultimately explode. Anyone who this hasn't happened to is a robot.
posted by hermitosis at 2:31 PM on July 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you want a relationship, what do you think that entails? If your list of what you're willing to give doesn't add up to anything that she thinks is worth getting upset over when you ultimately let her down (which, going forward, would definitely be her assumption at first) then there's nothing really in it for her. If you want to get past that barrier, that means making steady, consistent gestures of goodwill and availability. For months or years, probably. As in, send her cards at holidays, or notes when you are thinking about her, reminding her that you are there and waiting if she'd like to start over.
Do this because it is a good thing to do, it is good for your own heart to reach out, even if her pride or stubbornness or fear keeps her from reaching back.
I don't think she's being a drama queen. Again, from her end you've basically ignored her during key points in her life when she expected family to be there for her. When people feel that way, it's pretty common for them to hold it (maybe be a bit "frosty") and then ultimately explode. Anyone who this hasn't happened to is a robot.
posted by hermitosis at 2:31 PM on July 26, 2011 [4 favorites]
This is the sort of apology she's looking for:
posted by Zozo at 2:42 PM on July 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
- "Sis, I'm so sorry I couldn't come to your wedding. I should have known, even without an invitation, that you would expect me there. You must have felt so insulted. I should have tried harder to make it."
- "I'm sorry I didn't visit Babyface after s/he was born. My priorities were out of order: of course family is more important than finances."
- "I'm sorry, I should have had your back when you disowned Dad. You were right: he is a complete failure, and I'd rather not have a college education at all than pay for one with his money."
- "I'm sorry I untagged myself from that photo of Babyface. I definitely should have asked you first before doing something so thoughtless and inconsiderate."
posted by Zozo at 2:42 PM on July 26, 2011 [7 favorites]
I wish you weren't anonymous because it would be nice to have certain questions answered.
1. From her perspective, what was the event that caused her to turn on your father?
2. Do you think your sister is emotionally or mentally stable? I mean, does she have some sort of illness?
#1 & #2 do not necessarily equal each other, I'm just curious. You dad could have done something unforgivable and your sister could be suffering from a disorder. We just don't know.
----
I say let it sit. Time and a little life experience will likely give you the insight you need to possibly clear this up one day if that is warranted. I don't know what is going on here, and I think you may know even less. It just doesn't add up, does it?
-----
I'm sorry. You are likely not a bad person for needing tuition paid and not wanting to rock the boat. The rest sounds like it is all on your sister, unless there are a crap ton of behind the scenes shenanigans we don't know about.
Be well.
posted by jbenben at 2:43 PM on July 26, 2011
1. From her perspective, what was the event that caused her to turn on your father?
2. Do you think your sister is emotionally or mentally stable? I mean, does she have some sort of illness?
#1 & #2 do not necessarily equal each other, I'm just curious. You dad could have done something unforgivable and your sister could be suffering from a disorder. We just don't know.
----
I say let it sit. Time and a little life experience will likely give you the insight you need to possibly clear this up one day if that is warranted. I don't know what is going on here, and I think you may know even less. It just doesn't add up, does it?
-----
I'm sorry. You are likely not a bad person for needing tuition paid and not wanting to rock the boat. The rest sounds like it is all on your sister, unless there are a crap ton of behind the scenes shenanigans we don't know about.
Be well.
posted by jbenben at 2:43 PM on July 26, 2011
If you were her, what could I say to you that would make you forgive me for being a Bad Sister?
The fact that you're even considering contacting her to apologize shows, I think, that you're actually an awesome sister. It's a shame that your sister doesn't realize this, and even more of a shame that she's cut you out, but that's her problem, not yours.
Don't get me wrong, it's your problem in that it's sad to lose your sister. It's her problem, though, in that she doesn't seem to be willing to meet you halfway on anything, and she seems determined to cut people out of her life for relatively minor offenses. Untagging yourself in a Facebook photos is not grounds for *anything* other than "Oh, hey, would you prefer I not tag you in the future?" I untag myself from photos--even photos of myself!--all the time.
Your sister sounds like she's having a really hard time, and if you wanted to be a good person and make an attempt at reconciliation, you could write her a letter and say that you're sorry if she feels that you've not been the sister that she needed, and that you hope one day the two of you will be able to move your relationship into something that works for both of you.
All that said, her behavior is childish and inappropriate, and it's disrespectful to you. This doesn't sound like the sort of relationship that will be easily rehabilitated, and my feeling (from having friends and relatives like this of my own) is that pushing it will only make her angrier and you hurt more.
posted by MeghanC at 2:48 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
The fact that you're even considering contacting her to apologize shows, I think, that you're actually an awesome sister. It's a shame that your sister doesn't realize this, and even more of a shame that she's cut you out, but that's her problem, not yours.
Don't get me wrong, it's your problem in that it's sad to lose your sister. It's her problem, though, in that she doesn't seem to be willing to meet you halfway on anything, and she seems determined to cut people out of her life for relatively minor offenses. Untagging yourself in a Facebook photos is not grounds for *anything* other than "Oh, hey, would you prefer I not tag you in the future?" I untag myself from photos--even photos of myself!--all the time.
Your sister sounds like she's having a really hard time, and if you wanted to be a good person and make an attempt at reconciliation, you could write her a letter and say that you're sorry if she feels that you've not been the sister that she needed, and that you hope one day the two of you will be able to move your relationship into something that works for both of you.
All that said, her behavior is childish and inappropriate, and it's disrespectful to you. This doesn't sound like the sort of relationship that will be easily rehabilitated, and my feeling (from having friends and relatives like this of my own) is that pushing it will only make her angrier and you hurt more.
posted by MeghanC at 2:48 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I guess the question I have you is do you really want to have a relationship with your sister? You say that you would have gone to her wedding and/or would have visited her when she had a baby if not for financial and logistical reasons. But as it stands, you haven't visited her, or even seen her in person, in seven years.
Obviously your sister has played her part in this (she should have invited you to the wedding and shouldn't have expected you to take sides against your father) but from her perspective it could reasonably seem that you don't actually care about continuing a relationship with her. If you feel like it is unfortunate that you have drifted apart and you're sorry that you couldn't make it to the wedding or see her child, and want to have more contact with her, then I think telling her that would probably help the situation.
You would also have to apologize for not going to her wedding despite not getting an invitation or any time to prepare.
This of course would be bad for you on many levels.
Sometimes an apology is less about admitting fault and more about saying that if you could go back and change things you would have had them work out another way. If you have valid reasons that cause you to miss something important, it's reasonable to say "I'm sorry I couldn't make it." So in this case, "I'm sorry we haven't been close all these years," "I'm sorry I missed your wedding," and "I'm sorry I haven't been able to meet my niece/nephew yet" are all valid things to say.
This is the sort of apology she's looking for:
How do you know that? An overt olive branch can be effective in these sorts of situations where many tiny slights build up over the years into an estranged relationship. If both sides continually play the victim and don't make serious attempts at reconciliation the pattern just keeps repeating.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:54 PM on July 26, 2011
Obviously your sister has played her part in this (she should have invited you to the wedding and shouldn't have expected you to take sides against your father) but from her perspective it could reasonably seem that you don't actually care about continuing a relationship with her. If you feel like it is unfortunate that you have drifted apart and you're sorry that you couldn't make it to the wedding or see her child, and want to have more contact with her, then I think telling her that would probably help the situation.
You would also have to apologize for not going to her wedding despite not getting an invitation or any time to prepare.
This of course would be bad for you on many levels.
Sometimes an apology is less about admitting fault and more about saying that if you could go back and change things you would have had them work out another way. If you have valid reasons that cause you to miss something important, it's reasonable to say "I'm sorry I couldn't make it." So in this case, "I'm sorry we haven't been close all these years," "I'm sorry I missed your wedding," and "I'm sorry I haven't been able to meet my niece/nephew yet" are all valid things to say.
This is the sort of apology she's looking for:
How do you know that? An overt olive branch can be effective in these sorts of situations where many tiny slights build up over the years into an estranged relationship. If both sides continually play the victim and don't make serious attempts at reconciliation the pattern just keeps repeating.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:54 PM on July 26, 2011
I would write her, explaining exactly what you explained here, with the clarity and sympathy for her viewpoints that you communicated here. You can, perhaps, repair the relationship by capitulating to whatever she wants, but that wouldn't be fair to you. Better to communicate your experience, and explain that you want to maintain your relationship, but it cannot be on her terms only, which seems like what she is asking.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 2:59 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 2:59 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would not just write a letter. I think you need to break the dramaz.
I would go shopping, find a nice gift and send it to her and her child (a gift for your niece). in the box (who is going to throw out a present?!) enclose a note (not in an envelope, so its hard to ignore). Tell her this:
- that you love her
- that you value her
- that you really want to meet her child as soon as you can afford to come out there
- that you untagged her child b/c you were concerned about privacy and kiddie pics on internet
- that you hope to talk to her soon.
I would not bother with long apologies or explanations on the wedding and the birth, she's your sister - you should have been there or shortly after, but nevermind, don't engage with the dramaz around it.
then follow up with a call 3-4 days after she receives the package. (send it by dhl or fedex so you know when it is delivered).
Then get out there and see your sister and your niece. This is important. Don't write her off - you'll regret it.
posted by zia at 3:15 PM on July 26, 2011 [5 favorites]
I would go shopping, find a nice gift and send it to her and her child (a gift for your niece). in the box (who is going to throw out a present?!) enclose a note (not in an envelope, so its hard to ignore). Tell her this:
- that you love her
- that you value her
- that you really want to meet her child as soon as you can afford to come out there
- that you untagged her child b/c you were concerned about privacy and kiddie pics on internet
- that you hope to talk to her soon.
I would not bother with long apologies or explanations on the wedding and the birth, she's your sister - you should have been there or shortly after, but nevermind, don't engage with the dramaz around it.
then follow up with a call 3-4 days after she receives the package. (send it by dhl or fedex so you know when it is delivered).
Then get out there and see your sister and your niece. This is important. Don't write her off - you'll regret it.
posted by zia at 3:15 PM on July 26, 2011 [5 favorites]
You and your sister have different viewpoints on the world, and they're clashing. She didn't communicate with you clearly in a way that you understood her, and that upset her. She didn't give you enough notice to visit her during key points in her live, and didn't warn you that she would cut off contact with your father in such a way as to force you to chose sides. This doesn't make you a bad sister.
From here, I like the idea of a gift for her new kid, maybe something for a married couple as a belated wedding gift, and a note or a letter reminding her how close you were before, and how you'd like that back. Say you're sorry you missed key points in her life, and you want to be there, when you can, from here on out. You can say you'd like to talk with her more often, so you can plan for her upcoming events and celebrations. Maybe save the issues with Dad for another conversation, as that sounds like a good discussion to have in person.
Good luck.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:25 PM on July 26, 2011
From here, I like the idea of a gift for her new kid, maybe something for a married couple as a belated wedding gift, and a note or a letter reminding her how close you were before, and how you'd like that back. Say you're sorry you missed key points in her life, and you want to be there, when you can, from here on out. You can say you'd like to talk with her more often, so you can plan for her upcoming events and celebrations. Maybe save the issues with Dad for another conversation, as that sounds like a good discussion to have in person.
Good luck.
posted by filthy light thief at 3:25 PM on July 26, 2011
How do you know that?
I don't, of course. But I have known—and am myself related to—an awful lot of people who act exactly like the OP's description of her sister. I'm not playing Internet Diagnostician, but I recognize a lot of familiar patterns of behaviour here, and I'm advising the OP accordingly.
posted by Zozo at 3:25 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't, of course. But I have known—and am myself related to—an awful lot of people who act exactly like the OP's description of her sister. I'm not playing Internet Diagnostician, but I recognize a lot of familiar patterns of behaviour here, and I'm advising the OP accordingly.
posted by Zozo at 3:25 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Untagging yourself from the baby's photo is not bad Facebook etiquette. Your reasons were valid. If anything, tagging you in a photo that's not yours is bad etiquette.
There are chain messages in Facebook that basically say "don't add your baby photos to such and such group because they are managed by pedophiles who only want to perv over your baby". Which is total bullshit, but if I was in your shoes I'd use that as an excuse for untagging myself from the photo. Say you're sorry, you had good intentions.
posted by clearlydemon at 3:28 PM on July 26, 2011
There are chain messages in Facebook that basically say "don't add your baby photos to such and such group because they are managed by pedophiles who only want to perv over your baby". Which is total bullshit, but if I was in your shoes I'd use that as an excuse for untagging myself from the photo. Say you're sorry, you had good intentions.
posted by clearlydemon at 3:28 PM on July 26, 2011
Other than the blood relationship, why would you want to keep begging her for a relationship? She has not indicated that she values you (she didn't invite you to her wedding directly, she got angry at you for not following her lead re: your father, and she lost her mind when she didn't like your FB tagging behavior? Armchair psych here thinks she has wrapped you up in whatever issues she has with your father and this latest mess is just part of that - since it's not about this, to address the actual problem requires going pretty deep and needs some cooperation from both of you) and she won't listen to you try to mend the relationship. It sounds as though you functionally lost a sister many years ago. If the only way to have a relationship with her is on her terms alone, do you want to accept those terms?
posted by mrs. taters at 3:33 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by mrs. taters at 3:33 PM on July 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Call her up, tell her, if this is the case this:
(if yes, then):
Now, I think if you can do this, and it will require bravery on your part, then I think that you will have gone a long way toward understanding your point of view. You're relying on proxies - a friend, Facebook, your father, to communicate, and that sucks. I don't think a letter is much better -- it's far too one way. You need to hear her. Is she angry, sad, resigned, aggressive, a nutcase? Is she really a nutcase? It's impossible to really tell. You also have to be prepared for the fact that you may indeed have intractable issues that will prevent you from being close. This does NOT make you a bad sister. It simply means you're too much at odds to have a relationship that is safe for you, and respectful of your family. Be prepared for that outcome, because effective communication may be impossible.
I would like to recommend the book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, as a prelude to doing this. It's relatively short but will be a nice crash course in protecting yourself when communicating with your sister. It's got a Christian perspective, which may be incompatible with you, but it's pretty good. Other posters may be able to recommend more neutral books on effective boundaries and communication.
Best of luck.
posted by artlung at 4:15 PM on July 26, 2011
"Hi ${sister}, this is ${your-name}. I wanted to chat with you, would that be okay?"(if yes, then):
"It seems like we've got a history of miscommunications and problems, and living far apart has not allowed us to work them out. I feel frustrated and feel like you think I'm a bad sister. For my part, I feel confused because I feel like I'm trying to be a good person and make my way in the world as best as I can, I have never intended to hurt you. I still want to be your sister. Are you interested in the two of us trying to figure it out?"
(if yes, then):
"Well, what, from your perspective is keeping us from having a positive relationship?"If she is, I expect she will be ready to vent, and will do so. "Airing of grievances" as in Festivus. Don't be defensive, just listen and try to hear her. After she is done, you can tell her, in the words above, your point of view--feeling confused about not being invited but feeling shunned for not coming, feeling shunned for accepting help from your father. You both need to hear each other. I think the geographical distance has prevented the communication that would normally occur between sisters. That's I think the root.
Now, I think if you can do this, and it will require bravery on your part, then I think that you will have gone a long way toward understanding your point of view. You're relying on proxies - a friend, Facebook, your father, to communicate, and that sucks. I don't think a letter is much better -- it's far too one way. You need to hear her. Is she angry, sad, resigned, aggressive, a nutcase? Is she really a nutcase? It's impossible to really tell. You also have to be prepared for the fact that you may indeed have intractable issues that will prevent you from being close. This does NOT make you a bad sister. It simply means you're too much at odds to have a relationship that is safe for you, and respectful of your family. Be prepared for that outcome, because effective communication may be impossible.
I would like to recommend the book Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, as a prelude to doing this. It's relatively short but will be a nice crash course in protecting yourself when communicating with your sister. It's got a Christian perspective, which may be incompatible with you, but it's pretty good. Other posters may be able to recommend more neutral books on effective boundaries and communication.
Best of luck.
posted by artlung at 4:15 PM on July 26, 2011
Yeah, this is a sad kind of rigged carnival game she is playing. She didn't want you to be at her wedding. She wanted you to fail at attending her wedding.
It looks like she is setting up a series of events where you have a minimal chance of success and an astronomical chance of failure, and she gets to collect a My Sister Sucks coupon every time you don't meet her standards. If she gets enough of them, she can construct herself a believable (to her) narrative where your repeated bad behaviour means she gets to cut you off.
From this, I can guess that she thinks cutting a relative off without a good reason is a bad thing to do, because she is so carefully assembling supporting evidence. This makes me question exactly what caused her rift with your father. If it was nothing serious, I wonder if your sister feels regret that she did not have enough of a reason for leaving home. What did leaving home cost her in family support? Is she envious of you or your accomplishments?
She wants to distance herself from you, but she wants it to be because she is a good sister and you are a bad sister. What makes this a prize worth winning? You really don't sound like a terrible sister, or like you are deliberately provoking her.
The only way to handle this is to let her be whatever she imagines she is being, and to maintain a low-key contact that doesn't play her game or judge her behaviour. (Don't apologize for anything that you didn't do, don't ask her what it would take to fix things, don't eat the shit sandwich on your plate.) I'd say send her a nice friendly card every couple of months, and a small gift on her birthday and the kid's birthday. She will either eventually re-sibling herself, or not, but you'll know you left room for her to come back, and for her child to know you.
posted by Sallyfur at 5:28 PM on July 26, 2011 [8 favorites]
It looks like she is setting up a series of events where you have a minimal chance of success and an astronomical chance of failure, and she gets to collect a My Sister Sucks coupon every time you don't meet her standards. If she gets enough of them, she can construct herself a believable (to her) narrative where your repeated bad behaviour means she gets to cut you off.
From this, I can guess that she thinks cutting a relative off without a good reason is a bad thing to do, because she is so carefully assembling supporting evidence. This makes me question exactly what caused her rift with your father. If it was nothing serious, I wonder if your sister feels regret that she did not have enough of a reason for leaving home. What did leaving home cost her in family support? Is she envious of you or your accomplishments?
She wants to distance herself from you, but she wants it to be because she is a good sister and you are a bad sister. What makes this a prize worth winning? You really don't sound like a terrible sister, or like you are deliberately provoking her.
The only way to handle this is to let her be whatever she imagines she is being, and to maintain a low-key contact that doesn't play her game or judge her behaviour. (Don't apologize for anything that you didn't do, don't ask her what it would take to fix things, don't eat the shit sandwich on your plate.) I'd say send her a nice friendly card every couple of months, and a small gift on her birthday and the kid's birthday. She will either eventually re-sibling herself, or not, but you'll know you left room for her to come back, and for her child to know you.
posted by Sallyfur at 5:28 PM on July 26, 2011 [8 favorites]
Oops.
I favorites a lot of reasonable perspectives and strategies that I hope will work, but I fear zozo is right.
posted by jbenben at 7:14 PM on July 26, 2011
I favorites a lot of reasonable perspectives and strategies that I hope will work, but I fear zozo is right.
posted by jbenben at 7:14 PM on July 26, 2011
Sometimes an apology is less about admitting fault and more about saying that if you could go back and change things you would have had them work out another way. If you have valid reasons that cause you to miss something important, it's reasonable to say "I'm sorry I couldn't make it." So in this case, "I'm sorry we haven't been close all these years," "I'm sorry I missed your wedding," and "I'm sorry I haven't been able to meet my niece/nephew yet" are all valid things to say.
None of those are actually apologies. The sister flipped out- she believes she was wrong so greatly that the OP is a horrible person because of those actions. It's actually pretty clear the kind of apology that is required.
OP, this "relationship" isn't worth it. You haven't seen her in 7 years, clearly, you'll be fine without her.
posted by spaltavian at 7:47 PM on July 26, 2011
None of those are actually apologies. The sister flipped out- she believes she was wrong so greatly that the OP is a horrible person because of those actions. It's actually pretty clear the kind of apology that is required.
OP, this "relationship" isn't worth it. You haven't seen her in 7 years, clearly, you'll be fine without her.
posted by spaltavian at 7:47 PM on July 26, 2011
A rigged carnival game is an excellent analogy.
You have not been a Bad Sister. Nothing you've described here merits her responses. You've tried to do the right, loving, and kind thing toward people you love (your sister, her child, your father) within the limits of reality. For whatever reason, you're sister isn't plugged into reality when it comes to her relationship with you. That's sad and disappointing, but there's nothing you can do or say by way of apology or reconciliation right now: she's looking (consciously or not) for reasons to be estranged from you.
When I've seen and heard people acting the way she's acting, it's been for a variety of reasons: mental illness, relationship or other personal problems, extreme stress, etc. Always, always things unrelated to the "transgressions" they were freaking out about. I know one woman who, after she's been friends with someone for a couple years, freaks out and finds a reason to ditch the person ("Your small child cried at my party. I'm unbearably insulted and now we can't be friends anymore").
I think the best you can do is write a letter or card that says something to the effect of: I love you and I care about you, and if you want to reconnect, I'm here.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:08 PM on July 26, 2011
You have not been a Bad Sister. Nothing you've described here merits her responses. You've tried to do the right, loving, and kind thing toward people you love (your sister, her child, your father) within the limits of reality. For whatever reason, you're sister isn't plugged into reality when it comes to her relationship with you. That's sad and disappointing, but there's nothing you can do or say by way of apology or reconciliation right now: she's looking (consciously or not) for reasons to be estranged from you.
When I've seen and heard people acting the way she's acting, it's been for a variety of reasons: mental illness, relationship or other personal problems, extreme stress, etc. Always, always things unrelated to the "transgressions" they were freaking out about. I know one woman who, after she's been friends with someone for a couple years, freaks out and finds a reason to ditch the person ("Your small child cried at my party. I'm unbearably insulted and now we can't be friends anymore").
I think the best you can do is write a letter or card that says something to the effect of: I love you and I care about you, and if you want to reconnect, I'm here.
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:08 PM on July 26, 2011
It looks like she is setting up a series of events where you have a minimal chance of success and an astronomical chance of failure, and she gets to collect a My Sister Sucks coupon every time you don't meet her standards. If she gets enough of them, she can construct herself a believable (to her) narrative where your repeated bad behaviour means she gets to cut you off.
On the other hand, I'd like to warn the anonymous OP to be very honest as to whether she herself is doing this as well.
posted by hermitosis at 8:34 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, I'd like to warn the anonymous OP to be very honest as to whether she herself is doing this as well.
posted by hermitosis at 8:34 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pardon me if I am way over-projecting based on the dynamics of my own *highly* fucked up family. That said, given the totality of your sister's rejection of her parent, I'd be inclined to assume that she experienced something during her childhood that you did not. Been there. Still haven't talked to my brother about it.
It is very hard when you have been through something traumatic and you choose to shield your siblings by keeping the details only amongst need-to-know parties. Because they are working with incomplete knowledge, you do not get support in places you know you should, and you shoulder the responsibility for your own isolation. We pay dearly for our silence, but everyone makes their own choices in these things. It takes a lot of work not to resent like Hell when your own family members don't have enough information to understand or appreciate your perspective. And it is isolating when your refusal to make up with your abuser is perceived as obstinancy by uninformed parties.
However, if the rule has been to isolate you from the true nature of the problem, it is unreasonable of her to then expect you to be able to support her perspective. This is a situation that can be managed, but only by rigidly maintaining boundaries between relationships. Even if there was no "situation" to manage, your sister was wrong to try and involve you in a fight that is fundamentally between her and someone else. I call foul, and so did you when you refused to get involved.
Then there's her pattern of sort-of trying to include you in events but in a way so flakey as to guarantee that you can't actually accommodate her. That suggests to me real ambivalence on her part as to whether she even wants you in her life. I have a sister who is famous for that one, and I could write you a book on why, but the point is, it hurts her when she can't reconnect. But at the same time, she's reaching out over a gaping wound. Pain and longing & repeated disappointment...I have to think it must be like getting tazered every time you reach for your baby blanket. You still want your binky, you still know it's yours, but the fear makes you pull back every time you're close to touching it.
And then she had a baby. Babies change *everything.* And I can tell you from experience that you can put some seriously heavy shit to one side when you discover just how hard it is to raise a child without the support of family. Because family will do for you things that no one else can be arm-twisted into doing, when the chips are down.
Bottom line: I don't think you can fix things, and I certainly don't think you're being a Bad Sister. It's annoying as Hell to be so badly misunderstood, but it sounds like the groundwork for this break has been in place for a long time.
The fact that she continues to maintain contact obliquely rather than directly speaks volumes about the conflict within her. My advice to you would be to acknowledge her as an extremely damaged human being and let go of the idea that you can have a healthy relationship. It won't stop her from being able to hurt you, but it does make it easier to keep things in perspective. If she's truly severed ties, that may be for the best. Ignore the well-meaning who keep counseling reconcilliation: They are working from insufficient data. I think your sister is fucked up, and that you've been collateral damage in whatever silent war she's been waging for long enough.
posted by Ys at 10:02 PM on July 26, 2011
It is very hard when you have been through something traumatic and you choose to shield your siblings by keeping the details only amongst need-to-know parties. Because they are working with incomplete knowledge, you do not get support in places you know you should, and you shoulder the responsibility for your own isolation. We pay dearly for our silence, but everyone makes their own choices in these things. It takes a lot of work not to resent like Hell when your own family members don't have enough information to understand or appreciate your perspective. And it is isolating when your refusal to make up with your abuser is perceived as obstinancy by uninformed parties.
However, if the rule has been to isolate you from the true nature of the problem, it is unreasonable of her to then expect you to be able to support her perspective. This is a situation that can be managed, but only by rigidly maintaining boundaries between relationships. Even if there was no "situation" to manage, your sister was wrong to try and involve you in a fight that is fundamentally between her and someone else. I call foul, and so did you when you refused to get involved.
Then there's her pattern of sort-of trying to include you in events but in a way so flakey as to guarantee that you can't actually accommodate her. That suggests to me real ambivalence on her part as to whether she even wants you in her life. I have a sister who is famous for that one, and I could write you a book on why, but the point is, it hurts her when she can't reconnect. But at the same time, she's reaching out over a gaping wound. Pain and longing & repeated disappointment...I have to think it must be like getting tazered every time you reach for your baby blanket. You still want your binky, you still know it's yours, but the fear makes you pull back every time you're close to touching it.
And then she had a baby. Babies change *everything.* And I can tell you from experience that you can put some seriously heavy shit to one side when you discover just how hard it is to raise a child without the support of family. Because family will do for you things that no one else can be arm-twisted into doing, when the chips are down.
Bottom line: I don't think you can fix things, and I certainly don't think you're being a Bad Sister. It's annoying as Hell to be so badly misunderstood, but it sounds like the groundwork for this break has been in place for a long time.
The fact that she continues to maintain contact obliquely rather than directly speaks volumes about the conflict within her. My advice to you would be to acknowledge her as an extremely damaged human being and let go of the idea that you can have a healthy relationship. It won't stop her from being able to hurt you, but it does make it easier to keep things in perspective. If she's truly severed ties, that may be for the best. Ignore the well-meaning who keep counseling reconcilliation: They are working from insufficient data. I think your sister is fucked up, and that you've been collateral damage in whatever silent war she's been waging for long enough.
posted by Ys at 10:02 PM on July 26, 2011
You might find it interesting to read up on Borderline Personality disorder. I'd never presume to say that your sister has that, but you might find that what you read resonates with you and is helpful.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:45 AM on July 28, 2011
posted by Ashley801 at 12:45 AM on July 28, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by griselda at 2:14 PM on July 26, 2011 [1 favorite]