ugh.
July 15, 2011 9:22 AM Subscribe
my low self esteem is hurting my relationship. I am in therapy, but need fast fixes/amelioration and ways to reduce the burden on my partner while I pursue longterm change.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half years; with an 18 month period of long distance. We just finished long distance and moved in together about 2 months ago. He has known about my anxiety and trouble believing in myself, but after moving in together and as my problems have seemingly been getting worse, he's getting increasingly fed up and hopeless about it all. I have persistent issues with anxiety and low self esteem, particularly when under stress at school (I'm a phd student at a prestigious program in my discipline) - and I'm giving a major presentation and have my qualifying exam in the next two weeks, so things are particularly bad right now. The main inner monologue/unhelpful thought train goes something like this: "Don't screw up. If you screw up everyone will hate you/leave. If you screw up or might screw up, hurt yourself before anyone else has the chance." I am in therapy through my school's health services (one-on-one twice a month, group therapy once a week), but it's increasingly seeming like it's not enough. Not on any medications, therapists havent' suggested that I should be.
I won't write a novel about my past or current issues, but suffice to say that when things are tough, I go straight to the place of beating myself up about it and claiming that I am no good, worthless, and can't do anything. This is absurd because I am actually a high achiever (though with persistent procrastination and perfectionism problems.) I also have a lot of anxiety and interia about doing things like calling up friends or searching for nice things to do with them (because I am afraid I will be bothering them or they don't really want to see me) which extends into my relationship (it's hard for me to be the one to suggest a nice date or come up with gifts or activities my SO will like - whereas my SO excels in these areas.) This drives my partner up the wall and makes him feel terrible, that I would think badly about myself, or think that his esteem doesn't mean anything to me. Specific behaviors/issues that cause problems for us:
- My behavior during discussions - I tend to treat disagreement or gentle requests as attacks (either getting defensive or just crumpling and feeling bad about myself)
- panic attacks or inconsolable crying - very very stressful for him due to family of origin issues
- Not taking past success as evidence of likely future success, discounting any good things I do
- Berating myself
- Saying that I'll *never* do anything right or *always* screw up. This is bullshit and he has been telling me so more lately.
- getting withdrawn and not doing things like little nice things for him or suggesting outings with him or friends. He says it's scary/sad that I don't seem to take the time or inititive to do things that I say I want to do
My partner is giving and loving, but at his wits ends. We had yet anther conversation this morning about how much this hurts him and makes it difficult for him to imagine us being happy in the longterm. He doesn't talk about leaving me, but about how this will make us miserable going forward. I've said I shouldn't talk about it with him as much, but he says that hiding it from him isn't a solution. But he also says that it continuing the way it is isn't a solution and that I can't just promise him to make it go away, because it's a promise I can't keep. He says: "If you can't feel good about yourself, how can you feel good about "us"?" Feels terrifying because the "us" is one of the few things that I do consistently see as positive in my life. I would like to spend my life with this person, not lose him because I can't get my act together fast enough.
I know that therapy is slow and that learning to not beat myself up in the long run is going to be slow and take time to internalize. But I don't know what to do in the meantime. Very upset today and resorting to old and bad coping strategies to get through the day. I've been in therapy for about a year, but had to switch therapists about 3 months ago. I don't seem to have a choice of providers; you get sent to the person the mental health admins think is the best match. I will talk about about this question with her at my next appointment (2 weeks from now), but I need 'quick fixes', coping strategies, fake-it-'till-you-make-it suggestions, and anything else I can do to shield my partner from this. Thanks. throwaway: anxietysux2011@gmail.com
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two and a half years; with an 18 month period of long distance. We just finished long distance and moved in together about 2 months ago. He has known about my anxiety and trouble believing in myself, but after moving in together and as my problems have seemingly been getting worse, he's getting increasingly fed up and hopeless about it all. I have persistent issues with anxiety and low self esteem, particularly when under stress at school (I'm a phd student at a prestigious program in my discipline) - and I'm giving a major presentation and have my qualifying exam in the next two weeks, so things are particularly bad right now. The main inner monologue/unhelpful thought train goes something like this: "Don't screw up. If you screw up everyone will hate you/leave. If you screw up or might screw up, hurt yourself before anyone else has the chance." I am in therapy through my school's health services (one-on-one twice a month, group therapy once a week), but it's increasingly seeming like it's not enough. Not on any medications, therapists havent' suggested that I should be.
I won't write a novel about my past or current issues, but suffice to say that when things are tough, I go straight to the place of beating myself up about it and claiming that I am no good, worthless, and can't do anything. This is absurd because I am actually a high achiever (though with persistent procrastination and perfectionism problems.) I also have a lot of anxiety and interia about doing things like calling up friends or searching for nice things to do with them (because I am afraid I will be bothering them or they don't really want to see me) which extends into my relationship (it's hard for me to be the one to suggest a nice date or come up with gifts or activities my SO will like - whereas my SO excels in these areas.) This drives my partner up the wall and makes him feel terrible, that I would think badly about myself, or think that his esteem doesn't mean anything to me. Specific behaviors/issues that cause problems for us:
- My behavior during discussions - I tend to treat disagreement or gentle requests as attacks (either getting defensive or just crumpling and feeling bad about myself)
- panic attacks or inconsolable crying - very very stressful for him due to family of origin issues
- Not taking past success as evidence of likely future success, discounting any good things I do
- Berating myself
- Saying that I'll *never* do anything right or *always* screw up. This is bullshit and he has been telling me so more lately.
- getting withdrawn and not doing things like little nice things for him or suggesting outings with him or friends. He says it's scary/sad that I don't seem to take the time or inititive to do things that I say I want to do
My partner is giving and loving, but at his wits ends. We had yet anther conversation this morning about how much this hurts him and makes it difficult for him to imagine us being happy in the longterm. He doesn't talk about leaving me, but about how this will make us miserable going forward. I've said I shouldn't talk about it with him as much, but he says that hiding it from him isn't a solution. But he also says that it continuing the way it is isn't a solution and that I can't just promise him to make it go away, because it's a promise I can't keep. He says: "If you can't feel good about yourself, how can you feel good about "us"?" Feels terrifying because the "us" is one of the few things that I do consistently see as positive in my life. I would like to spend my life with this person, not lose him because I can't get my act together fast enough.
I know that therapy is slow and that learning to not beat myself up in the long run is going to be slow and take time to internalize. But I don't know what to do in the meantime. Very upset today and resorting to old and bad coping strategies to get through the day. I've been in therapy for about a year, but had to switch therapists about 3 months ago. I don't seem to have a choice of providers; you get sent to the person the mental health admins think is the best match. I will talk about about this question with her at my next appointment (2 weeks from now), but I need 'quick fixes', coping strategies, fake-it-'till-you-make-it suggestions, and anything else I can do to shield my partner from this. Thanks. throwaway: anxietysux2011@gmail.com
This is possibly oversimplifying, but I think it's what therapy works on over the long term. Therapy is going to train you to be aware of your behavior and to quit doing things that are negative. You KNOW what you are doing hurts him, yet you are wrapped up in how you feel and continue to do it. Be aware of what you are doing, and quit doing it. You are the one holding yourself back.
Here's an example of how I do this in my own little world: Say somebody I work with does something stupid that makes me mad. I am aware that the person did something that could make me mad, but I remind myself that it is not worth it to ruin my day and/or theirs by getting all pissy about it. Deep breath, dismiss it as one of those things, and walk away.
I kind of get the feeling that in addition to low self-worth, you tell yourself & your S.O. that you are worthless, can't get things right, etc. so that he pays attention to you. It may not be positive attention, but it is attention. And you are driving him away with that behavior. If it is worth it to you, be aware of your behaviors and work to change it. Quit saying negative things. You have to be your own cheerleader. Even with therapy, no one can change this except for you.
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:35 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Here's an example of how I do this in my own little world: Say somebody I work with does something stupid that makes me mad. I am aware that the person did something that could make me mad, but I remind myself that it is not worth it to ruin my day and/or theirs by getting all pissy about it. Deep breath, dismiss it as one of those things, and walk away.
I kind of get the feeling that in addition to low self-worth, you tell yourself & your S.O. that you are worthless, can't get things right, etc. so that he pays attention to you. It may not be positive attention, but it is attention. And you are driving him away with that behavior. If it is worth it to you, be aware of your behaviors and work to change it. Quit saying negative things. You have to be your own cheerleader. Even with therapy, no one can change this except for you.
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:35 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
What did you do when you bf was not physically with you (during the LDR) for your anxiety?
In your shoes, I would explain that you are dealing with this issue and you appreciate his support, but you will no longer put it on him. I dealt with this in my first relationship, and I still feel guilt for turning my fun-loving carefree bf into my support system. It pretty much did him in.
It sounds like you really need to address this issue NOW. Please look into a medical leave of absence from school and make your mental health your daily priority. It is not going to get better unless you take it head-on.
posted by virginia_clemm at 9:38 AM on July 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
In your shoes, I would explain that you are dealing with this issue and you appreciate his support, but you will no longer put it on him. I dealt with this in my first relationship, and I still feel guilt for turning my fun-loving carefree bf into my support system. It pretty much did him in.
It sounds like you really need to address this issue NOW. Please look into a medical leave of absence from school and make your mental health your daily priority. It is not going to get better unless you take it head-on.
posted by virginia_clemm at 9:38 AM on July 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
When there is some sort of serious and relatively close deadline in my house, the person under deadline can ask for and get amnesty. That means no primary chores, low distraction, the other person takes care of food and errands, and for god's sake no relationship discussions. That way the person with the deadline can do their thing.
And I understand the un-ignorable-ness of the perseverating anxiety thoughts. Therapy is a good way, over a long term, to work on strategies for dealing with it*. But day to day, hour to hour, what you do is this: shut up. Literally, do not open your mouth if what's about to come out is dysfunctional. The thoughts in your head, tell them: shut up, I'm busy, I have a deadline. I'll pay attention to you after that.
Stop giving voice to it. That's not the same as not dealing with it, I'm just saying when you open your mouth to tell your boyfriend how awful you are, you aren't making things better. You are telling both of you that you are awful. That's the disease talking, and you can recognize that by imagining it coming out of a good friend's mouth.
*Anxiety, unless situational, is a chemical problem no matter what its roots are. It will probably require a chemical solution, at least short term, to short-circuit it. It's time for you to ask about it rather than waiting to see if a therapist does (some therapists, not being psychiatrists, won't bring it up unless you do. some will. Ask.).
posted by Lyn Never at 9:55 AM on July 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
And I understand the un-ignorable-ness of the perseverating anxiety thoughts. Therapy is a good way, over a long term, to work on strategies for dealing with it*. But day to day, hour to hour, what you do is this: shut up. Literally, do not open your mouth if what's about to come out is dysfunctional. The thoughts in your head, tell them: shut up, I'm busy, I have a deadline. I'll pay attention to you after that.
Stop giving voice to it. That's not the same as not dealing with it, I'm just saying when you open your mouth to tell your boyfriend how awful you are, you aren't making things better. You are telling both of you that you are awful. That's the disease talking, and you can recognize that by imagining it coming out of a good friend's mouth.
*Anxiety, unless situational, is a chemical problem no matter what its roots are. It will probably require a chemical solution, at least short term, to short-circuit it. It's time for you to ask about it rather than waiting to see if a therapist does (some therapists, not being psychiatrists, won't bring it up unless you do. some will. Ask.).
posted by Lyn Never at 9:55 AM on July 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I think it was Louise Hay who said this: "Every day in the morning, as you walk by your bathroom mirror, say, 'I love you.' Your life will change in 30 days." I was trying to find that quote, but I found this instead, which is pretty damn awesome. I hope it helps you.
Maybe this is totally obvious to you, but you didn't make it so in your post: Do you *want* to change? Do you want to improve your attitude towards yourself, for yourself? You talk a lot about wanting to minimize the impact on your partner and relationship, but how would your life change if you had high self-esteem? No matter what, change is scary. The point I'm trying to make, similar to bolognius' point about getting attention from your partner, is that sometimes there's something in it for us when we engage in our negative behaviours. That's part of why change is so hard - it means having to give those up, and it's not clear to us yet what we'll get out of changing.
posted by foxjacket at 9:57 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Maybe this is totally obvious to you, but you didn't make it so in your post: Do you *want* to change? Do you want to improve your attitude towards yourself, for yourself? You talk a lot about wanting to minimize the impact on your partner and relationship, but how would your life change if you had high self-esteem? No matter what, change is scary. The point I'm trying to make, similar to bolognius' point about getting attention from your partner, is that sometimes there's something in it for us when we engage in our negative behaviours. That's part of why change is so hard - it means having to give those up, and it's not clear to us yet what we'll get out of changing.
posted by foxjacket at 9:57 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm in the middle of dealing with someone in my life who is like you (not an SO, though) and yeah, it's really draining and so difficult to see that person hamstring themselves over and over and over. I can try to do nice things for that person and encourage them to be positive and point out opportunities for them to improve their life, but it is all hopeless if they don't do some work themselves. Sometimes it seems like a bottomless pit I am pouring my energy into.
The person in my life is really terrible about reciprocating gestures. For instance, I have often sprung for dinner or a treat to cheer them up, but this person never thinks to do the same for me when I'm having a bad day. I know if I point out this inequality, the person will beat themselves up silly for being a bad friend and probably go into isolation for a while. This is not the desired outcome, at all, so I don't say anything. My friend just isn't considerate of these things, and they are so unconsciously self-centered that they don't have room to think about anything but their problems. It's kind of like arrogance in negative. I am getting weary of this and have been fading out, which I know will only confirm some of my friend's worst fears, but they haven't left me an alternative. You do not want this to happen between you and your partner.
I would say, be very conscious of trying to do positive things for your partner (think about it very specifically and make a list you can look at later when you have no energy), even if you're feeling bad. Maybe even create a codeword or something so he can call you on your lead balloon behavior. It might even get your mind off your troubles to do something positive for someone else. Your partner needs to feel like if he has a bad day you will have the reserves to smooth over the bump in the road like he does for you.
You might want to take a serious look at that procrastination/perfectionism problem. Even though it drives people to be high achievers, it can ruin whatever self-confidence and positive boost one gets from that accomplishment, and it might be a much bigger contributor to your anxiety than you realize. I am reading Too Perfect right now.
posted by griselda at 10:07 AM on July 15, 2011 [7 favorites]
The person in my life is really terrible about reciprocating gestures. For instance, I have often sprung for dinner or a treat to cheer them up, but this person never thinks to do the same for me when I'm having a bad day. I know if I point out this inequality, the person will beat themselves up silly for being a bad friend and probably go into isolation for a while. This is not the desired outcome, at all, so I don't say anything. My friend just isn't considerate of these things, and they are so unconsciously self-centered that they don't have room to think about anything but their problems. It's kind of like arrogance in negative. I am getting weary of this and have been fading out, which I know will only confirm some of my friend's worst fears, but they haven't left me an alternative. You do not want this to happen between you and your partner.
I would say, be very conscious of trying to do positive things for your partner (think about it very specifically and make a list you can look at later when you have no energy), even if you're feeling bad. Maybe even create a codeword or something so he can call you on your lead balloon behavior. It might even get your mind off your troubles to do something positive for someone else. Your partner needs to feel like if he has a bad day you will have the reserves to smooth over the bump in the road like he does for you.
You might want to take a serious look at that procrastination/perfectionism problem. Even though it drives people to be high achievers, it can ruin whatever self-confidence and positive boost one gets from that accomplishment, and it might be a much bigger contributor to your anxiety than you realize. I am reading Too Perfect right now.
posted by griselda at 10:07 AM on July 15, 2011 [7 favorites]
Well first-off, lots of people experience depression during grad studies, often crippling depression. You are not alone - and sometimes that realization helps. Check out PhD Comics when you need a few minutes to laugh at the insanity of grad studies. Here's their 200 most popular.
I experienced the most profound depression of my life while in grad studies, but I hated the feeling. So I did whatever I could to cheer myself up, even if it was brief. Every little bit helped dig me out.
I would go for a bike ride or a walk, because exercise would wear me out enough that I was too physically tired to worry or think in circles. I would appreciate the simple pleasures by admiring gardens in my neighborhood, or cuddling cute puppies at the pet store, watching a funny movie, clean something in my apartment to feel a little sense of accomplishment.
Do nice things for other people, because something like buying a present for someone else gives far greater and long-lasting satisfaction than buying something for myself. Same goes for any kind of kindness - focus on doing nice things for your partner and it WILL make you happier, because you know he's smiling because you made him happy. Every time you feel a surge of depression, do something nice for him like write him a love note, even if it's on a post-it on the fridge. Small gifts and acts of kindness are just as awesome and well-received as big ones.
posted by lizbunny at 10:20 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I experienced the most profound depression of my life while in grad studies, but I hated the feeling. So I did whatever I could to cheer myself up, even if it was brief. Every little bit helped dig me out.
I would go for a bike ride or a walk, because exercise would wear me out enough that I was too physically tired to worry or think in circles. I would appreciate the simple pleasures by admiring gardens in my neighborhood, or cuddling cute puppies at the pet store, watching a funny movie, clean something in my apartment to feel a little sense of accomplishment.
Do nice things for other people, because something like buying a present for someone else gives far greater and long-lasting satisfaction than buying something for myself. Same goes for any kind of kindness - focus on doing nice things for your partner and it WILL make you happier, because you know he's smiling because you made him happy. Every time you feel a surge of depression, do something nice for him like write him a love note, even if it's on a post-it on the fridge. Small gifts and acts of kindness are just as awesome and well-received as big ones.
posted by lizbunny at 10:20 AM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
One thing that stopped me from self criticizing behavior (which is all internal for me, I don't say it out loud), is to imagine saying those things to a child. And it stops me cold, especially if I imagine saying it to my child self.
I am cruel and hurtful to myself when I've "screwed" something up, and it is unacceptable to speak to anyone that way. That's how I've snapped myself out of the cycle of self-hate speech when it ramps up.
This is a really small thing you can do to look at this type of speech from another angle, and that may bump you out of the comforable rut you are in when you do this. Self-hate speech appears to be something that's on a checklist of behaviors for you when you are stressed and depressed, so trying to disrupt the routine may be beneficial.
posted by lootie777 at 10:54 AM on July 15, 2011 [12 favorites]
I am cruel and hurtful to myself when I've "screwed" something up, and it is unacceptable to speak to anyone that way. That's how I've snapped myself out of the cycle of self-hate speech when it ramps up.
This is a really small thing you can do to look at this type of speech from another angle, and that may bump you out of the comforable rut you are in when you do this. Self-hate speech appears to be something that's on a checklist of behaviors for you when you are stressed and depressed, so trying to disrupt the routine may be beneficial.
posted by lootie777 at 10:54 AM on July 15, 2011 [12 favorites]
"Don't screw up. If you screw up everyone will hate you/leave."
As you're aware, this is an extremely toxic thought, and one that you should try to eliminate. Here's one way to start: think about why you like other people. Is it generally because of who they are, or because of their accomplishments? Put another way: let's say a friend, or your SO were to fail a qualifying exam. Would you like that person less? Probably not. So it stands to reason that your relationships are also not contingent on your continued success.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:09 PM on July 15, 2011
As you're aware, this is an extremely toxic thought, and one that you should try to eliminate. Here's one way to start: think about why you like other people. Is it generally because of who they are, or because of their accomplishments? Put another way: let's say a friend, or your SO were to fail a qualifying exam. Would you like that person less? Probably not. So it stands to reason that your relationships are also not contingent on your continued success.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:09 PM on July 15, 2011
This actually sets off some weird flags for me. I don't disagree with the above advice, but I also think your boyfriend might be inserting himself too much into 'fixing you' and possibly guilting you for not getting better faster for the sake of your relationship.
I deal with a lot of these issues too, and my partner has always been there to console and support me. I'm sure she gets frustrated sometimes too, but our conversations about it have always been that she wants me to feel better FOR ME. Would it make parts of our relationship easier/better if I didn't have these issues? Yes, but a) I already know that (and I'm assuming you do, too) and b) her pointing it out would make me feel even more guilty. I know that she loves me the way I am now, knowing my flaws.
It would put me in a major tailspin to feel like the responsibility for the relationship's happiness was primarily mine. Because even if your SO doesn't have mental health issues, there will still be disagreements or issues that are his. It's dangerous to start thinking of or treating one partner as the 'flawed' one - you have to be equal to be happy.
Finally, it kind of weirds me out that you got in a draining conversation about this during such a stressful time already. Everyone I know, myself included, was a big ball of stress and negative feelings leading up to their giant grad school exams. I had several mini-breakdowns in the week or two before. My partner, during this time, declared it my "indulgence week". Milkshakes, backrubs, whatever I needed to make it through. And it was such an amazing help to know that she was just unilaterally on my side during that time, not thinking "oh jeez, another breakdown?"
I've said I shouldn't talk about it with him as much, but he says that hiding it from him isn't a solution. But he also says that it continuing the way it is isn't a solution and that I can't just promise him to make it go away, because it's a promise I can't keep.
So have you asked him what exactly he thinks IS a solution? Because this strikes me as a catch-22 - he doesn't want you to hide it, but clearly the way you talk about it isn't working for either of you. Again, to me this would be way too much butting into my personal brain/feelings. He's making you accountable to him for your mental health and how you deal with it. What works FOR YOU? Would it be less stressful to not talk about it with him as much, or to set up clear boundaries where you can say "I don't want to discuss this right now?" Always remember that a successful relationship is a partnership, not one person thinking "I need to fix xyz about me.. and then everything will be perfect." What you need to work on within yourself is separate from what BOTH of you need to address about your relationship.
I'm not at all saying you shouldn't continue aggressively fixing things in therapy - but I also think it's not unreasonable to ask your boyfriend to stop constantly hanging the future of your relationship over your head, too. I can't imagine any relationship + mental illness working out if it's encouraged to think "if I would just get better I could save/improve this relationship!" You need to get better FOR YOU, not for others.
*It might help your boyfriend to see a therapist, too. At the very least, he can talk through some resources to help you constructively, and the therapist might also be able to tell him if/when he has some issues himself.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:59 PM on July 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I deal with a lot of these issues too, and my partner has always been there to console and support me. I'm sure she gets frustrated sometimes too, but our conversations about it have always been that she wants me to feel better FOR ME. Would it make parts of our relationship easier/better if I didn't have these issues? Yes, but a) I already know that (and I'm assuming you do, too) and b) her pointing it out would make me feel even more guilty. I know that she loves me the way I am now, knowing my flaws.
It would put me in a major tailspin to feel like the responsibility for the relationship's happiness was primarily mine. Because even if your SO doesn't have mental health issues, there will still be disagreements or issues that are his. It's dangerous to start thinking of or treating one partner as the 'flawed' one - you have to be equal to be happy.
Finally, it kind of weirds me out that you got in a draining conversation about this during such a stressful time already. Everyone I know, myself included, was a big ball of stress and negative feelings leading up to their giant grad school exams. I had several mini-breakdowns in the week or two before. My partner, during this time, declared it my "indulgence week". Milkshakes, backrubs, whatever I needed to make it through. And it was such an amazing help to know that she was just unilaterally on my side during that time, not thinking "oh jeez, another breakdown?"
I've said I shouldn't talk about it with him as much, but he says that hiding it from him isn't a solution. But he also says that it continuing the way it is isn't a solution and that I can't just promise him to make it go away, because it's a promise I can't keep.
So have you asked him what exactly he thinks IS a solution? Because this strikes me as a catch-22 - he doesn't want you to hide it, but clearly the way you talk about it isn't working for either of you. Again, to me this would be way too much butting into my personal brain/feelings. He's making you accountable to him for your mental health and how you deal with it. What works FOR YOU? Would it be less stressful to not talk about it with him as much, or to set up clear boundaries where you can say "I don't want to discuss this right now?" Always remember that a successful relationship is a partnership, not one person thinking "I need to fix xyz about me.. and then everything will be perfect." What you need to work on within yourself is separate from what BOTH of you need to address about your relationship.
I'm not at all saying you shouldn't continue aggressively fixing things in therapy - but I also think it's not unreasonable to ask your boyfriend to stop constantly hanging the future of your relationship over your head, too. I can't imagine any relationship + mental illness working out if it's encouraged to think "if I would just get better I could save/improve this relationship!" You need to get better FOR YOU, not for others.
*It might help your boyfriend to see a therapist, too. At the very least, he can talk through some resources to help you constructively, and the therapist might also be able to tell him if/when he has some issues himself.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:59 PM on July 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I could have written this myself. I'm in the exact same situation (without the grad school). I don't have any words of wisdom or good advice, but I know how you feel and how debilitating that anxiety and negative self-esteem is. I wish you well and just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
posted by twinA at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2011
posted by twinA at 1:31 PM on July 15, 2011
Similar to what lootie777 said, a trick that I use is pretending that a friend is coming to me feeling down, feeling like a failure, and imagining what I would say to my friend, then say it to myself. It's a good way to change your internal monologue to being more positive.
posted by easy_being_green at 1:39 PM on July 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by easy_being_green at 1:39 PM on July 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
I emailed you. Also, nakedmolerats makes very good points.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:59 PM on July 15, 2011
posted by small_ruminant at 1:59 PM on July 15, 2011
In my experience, self-hate such as you describe is usually anger turned inward. I suggest the next time you turn on yourself, you start to think about who it is you're really angry at. Someone who told you you were unacceptable unless you were perfect?
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:42 PM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:42 PM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
My experience with grad school has been that these kinds of issues are very very common only nobody admits to them in public. But they are. I had/have them too.
I think you should ask him to try and be supportive and accept the fact that you are under extra stress in the short term because of these deadlines. And sometimes you react to the stress by feeling bad about yourself. Ask him to hold off with the Big Issues for the next couple weeks so you can focus on your work, instead of choosing now to pull the undermining and pessimism.
Because that's what's going on here too, isn't it? If he says it'll never get better and you can't keep a promise to get better? He's putting you down right now. I think the right thing for a caring partner to do is to tell you that you can feel better and if you want to change, you can change, and he is willing to be supportive.
- Saying that I'll *never* do anything right or *always* screw up. This is bullshit and he has been telling me so more lately.
I don't know if he's making this comment or if you are saying it to yourself but.. it's true that you do plenty of things right and it's wrong to say that you always screw up. But phrasing it this way ("this is bullshit") is mean. Don't. Dan Savage might have popularized giving people smart advice through berating them but it strikes me as poisonous in this kind of situation, because who's ever made anyone more happy and contented by directing anger and insults at them? So don't do it to yourself.
The only thing I can think of as a "quick fix" which is to say.. a start, because it takes practice.. is to try and pay attention to these thoughts and feelings and then figure out the specific thing that caused you to feel that way instead of letting yourself stew in this generalized "I'm an idiot" feeling. "I'm an idiot, I'm such a moron, I screwed up again, everything is miserable.. wait.. this one thing happened. I lost my keys and was late to class again. It's just one thing. It doesn't make me the world's biggest moron. Even if I've done it before." "I couldn't think of anywhere really cool and exciting to go with my SO this weekend and now I feel like a complete loser." I find you can get so drawn into these generalized feelings of misery that they crowd out the little, specific steps that help you actually change; you get so used to feeling bad every day that you don't stop and say wait, next time I can put my stuff together the night before and I won't be late; this weekend I will make plans with my SO even if I only ask him to go someplace we've been to before.
BTW if you totally screw up and fall flat on your face in school, it isn't the end of the world. You're a student. You're there to work and to learn how to be a professional in your field. But you're not there to be perfect and never screw up now, because.. you're a student! Now's the time to make mistakes, maybe some big mistakes, and learn from them and keep working hard in spite of them.
posted by citron at 7:56 PM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should ask him to try and be supportive and accept the fact that you are under extra stress in the short term because of these deadlines. And sometimes you react to the stress by feeling bad about yourself. Ask him to hold off with the Big Issues for the next couple weeks so you can focus on your work, instead of choosing now to pull the undermining and pessimism.
Because that's what's going on here too, isn't it? If he says it'll never get better and you can't keep a promise to get better? He's putting you down right now. I think the right thing for a caring partner to do is to tell you that you can feel better and if you want to change, you can change, and he is willing to be supportive.
- Saying that I'll *never* do anything right or *always* screw up. This is bullshit and he has been telling me so more lately.
I don't know if he's making this comment or if you are saying it to yourself but.. it's true that you do plenty of things right and it's wrong to say that you always screw up. But phrasing it this way ("this is bullshit") is mean. Don't. Dan Savage might have popularized giving people smart advice through berating them but it strikes me as poisonous in this kind of situation, because who's ever made anyone more happy and contented by directing anger and insults at them? So don't do it to yourself.
The only thing I can think of as a "quick fix" which is to say.. a start, because it takes practice.. is to try and pay attention to these thoughts and feelings and then figure out the specific thing that caused you to feel that way instead of letting yourself stew in this generalized "I'm an idiot" feeling. "I'm an idiot, I'm such a moron, I screwed up again, everything is miserable.. wait.. this one thing happened. I lost my keys and was late to class again. It's just one thing. It doesn't make me the world's biggest moron. Even if I've done it before." "I couldn't think of anywhere really cool and exciting to go with my SO this weekend and now I feel like a complete loser." I find you can get so drawn into these generalized feelings of misery that they crowd out the little, specific steps that help you actually change; you get so used to feeling bad every day that you don't stop and say wait, next time I can put my stuff together the night before and I won't be late; this weekend I will make plans with my SO even if I only ask him to go someplace we've been to before.
BTW if you totally screw up and fall flat on your face in school, it isn't the end of the world. You're a student. You're there to work and to learn how to be a professional in your field. But you're not there to be perfect and never screw up now, because.. you're a student! Now's the time to make mistakes, maybe some big mistakes, and learn from them and keep working hard in spite of them.
posted by citron at 7:56 PM on July 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Lyn Never wrote "Anxiety, unless situational, is a chemical problem no matter what its roots are. It will probably require a chemical solution, at least short term, to short-circuit it. It's time for you to ask about it rather than waiting to see if a therapist does (some therapists, not being psychiatrists, won't bring it up unless you do. some will. Ask.)."
I agree with this 100%. Some brains are wired differently and medications like the SSRI I take, PAXIL, correct the wiring. This is so elementary that my GP picked on the fact that I had depression* because I had anxiety because I was wired differently.
This is not something that changes by itself over time. About 35 years ago, my high school guidance counselor asked me "Who's the most important person in your life"? I got the answer wrong when I said "Umm... my dad"? Right answer was "I am". So 35 years ago I had self esteem issues that persist to this day.
I have two boys, one 9 years old and one 11 years old. Almost out of the womb, I noticed that the 9 year old is probably wired differently like me and the 11 year old is wired correctly, (like his mom). I still believe this.
*And was self-medicating by binge drinking alcohol every weekend for decades.
posted by qsysopr at 8:25 AM on July 16, 2011
I agree with this 100%. Some brains are wired differently and medications like the SSRI I take, PAXIL, correct the wiring. This is so elementary that my GP picked on the fact that I had depression* because I had anxiety because I was wired differently.
This is not something that changes by itself over time. About 35 years ago, my high school guidance counselor asked me "Who's the most important person in your life"? I got the answer wrong when I said "Umm... my dad"? Right answer was "I am". So 35 years ago I had self esteem issues that persist to this day.
I have two boys, one 9 years old and one 11 years old. Almost out of the womb, I noticed that the 9 year old is probably wired differently like me and the 11 year old is wired correctly, (like his mom). I still believe this.
*And was self-medicating by binge drinking alcohol every weekend for decades.
posted by qsysopr at 8:25 AM on July 16, 2011
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In general, you need to find what works to help you derail the dismal thoughts and move yourself forward with more positive ones. If you're doing well in your classes or do well on particular assignments, it's also important to take time to actively celebrate those achievements. Make a rule that anything that gets a B gets celebratory drinks with the boyfriend, and anything that gets an A means dinner or a picnic or whatever else you guys do together that is happy. You need some kind of plan to consistently nurture a positive feedback loop in your own life.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:33 AM on July 15, 2011 [3 favorites]