looking a gift horse in the mouth, or something

July 12, 2011 7:54 AM

Should I ask my generous relative who is paying for our trip to have my own hotel room with my husband?

My relative is throwing a fancy birthday bash for herself and hosting my entire family. She is generously springing for flights and lodging at a very nice hotel so that my family (who would not normally have the means to be there) can all attend. Problem is, I just discovered that her lodging for me and my husband of almost three years is a shared suite with my sister and my mother. The suite has two bedrooms but a shared bathroom and living room.

Though this is the best of circumstances (a quick, all-paid trip), we both would prefer the privacy our own room would offer. It will be a family affair and tensions will run high, and I can only imagine my husband sharing a suite with my mother exacerbating this. He has never "lodged" with my mother and my sister, and I see why it would be uncomfortable for him. I see this as another example of being treated like a child by my family. Am I overreacting? Would it be rude to ask for our own room, or should I suck it up for two nights?

posted by stranger danger to Human Relations (53 answers total)

For clarification: Will you have a door that closes to your bedroom? So that you will have at least one room that is entirely private space? Or is this suite just a series of open rooms?
posted by librarianamy at 7:56 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Be sure to say thank-you profusely. Don't ask for a separate room.
posted by rdurbin at 7:58 AM on July 12, 2011 [34 favorites]

If you were expected to share a bedroom with your mother and sister, I would understand your discomfort - but you and your husband will have your own room, with a door you can close for privacy, so I don't think it sounds like a bad arrangement at all.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:58 AM on July 12, 2011 [10 favorites]

Personally, I would suck it up for two nights, particularly since it's a suite with separate bedrooms. Your relative is paying for the whole affair and is probably trying to keep costs down for herself. If everyone who wanted a separate room got one she might not be able to afford to pay for the thing.

I think in that giving you a suite with separate bedrooms she's come up with a nice compromise, actually.
posted by aclevername at 7:58 AM on July 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

Yes, it would be rude. It is a suite so you have your own room and it is only for two nights. How long are you even likely to spend in the suite itself? If your husband really can't stand your mother then at the minimim he only needs to sleep there,

Whilst you might see this as another example of being treated like a child by my family, I imagine your generous relative sees it as an example of good value for their money.
posted by ninebelow at 7:59 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tacky to ask for a separate room under these circumstances.
posted by jayder at 8:00 AM on July 12, 2011 [6 favorites]

Suck it up - when I read this I thought you had to share a bedroom with others but as it is you'll just have to show consideration and be patient.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:00 AM on July 12, 2011

I don't think you should ask for another room. From what you have described, it sounds like you and your husband will have your own bedroom. Sharing a bathroom and living room doesn't seem like a big deal to me. Does the hotel have a website with pictures of the rooms? Maybe looking at the room layout would let you know how much privacy you can expect.
posted by mmmbacon at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2011

Can you call the hotel and find out the relative cost of two regular rooms vs. the suite? If two rooms cost is less, then it seems like a reasonable request. If it's more and you have a bedroom door that closes, then yes, what the others said. (I think even offering to pay the difference would be awkward.)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2011

Suck it up.
posted by Perplexity at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2011

Yes, you are over-reacting. You aren't being treated like a child; you're being treated like somebody who isn't paying for their own room. Most bedrooms in suites are pretty private and given that your husband and you are the couple in the situation, you will certainly have one of them for yourself.

The time that you can have an expectation of your own privacy and control is when you pay for it yourself. It certainly might suck for you, but them's the breaks.

Advice: don't be rude for asking for a personal upgrade (which is what that would be) and don't go into the situation thinking it's going to be a chore.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

Yes, it sounds greedy and ungrateful to ask for more when she has already been so generous. Suck it up.
posted by Windigo at 8:01 AM on July 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Suck it up, it's a short trip. Honestly there's nothing wrong with going into your own room and closing the door when you want some quiet time and privacy. Tell your mom and sister you're "taking a nap" for an hour and have your quiet time. Also, if you're in a hotel you don't have to be "in your room" the whole time, many hotels have relaxation areas, gyms, pools, etc. and the face time with your mom and sibling can be minimal.
posted by lizbunny at 8:02 AM on July 12, 2011

Nthing the suck it up and tough it out. It could be a tense couple of days but oh well it was a free trip.
posted by vuron at 8:02 AM on July 12, 2011

You shouldn't ask for your own room. If it turns out that you are the absolute only couple there who doesn't have their own room, then you can think that you generous relative is maybe weird about rooms or even about you, but you still can't ask for your own room.
posted by jeather at 8:03 AM on July 12, 2011

It would be rude to ask for more. You'll have to "suck it up" for two nights. Thankfully, a nice hotel will probably have lots of other places you can spend your time (bar, pool, lounge, pool, spa, pool- you can see what I would choose).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:05 AM on July 12, 2011

I'm not sure most of the people who are commenting here really understand the importance of privacy for some people. Speaking as an introvert married to an introvert--I feel your pain. My husband and I really do need our own space especially when around lots of family. If we don't get to relax and decompress we would be completely miserable.

It would be tacky to ask for them to pay for another room, but let them know (profusely) that you really appreciate their help but would prefer to have a room to yourself and that you would be happy to pay for it yourselves. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you can't afford to do that then you probably should just suck it up as others have recommended.
posted by Kimberly at 8:05 AM on July 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

It actually sounds very generous and thoughtful. You wouldn't have been able to go otherwise and you get your own bedroom with a door (which is more or less like having your own hotel room) but the door leads to a shared living room. Definitely do not ask for anything more and follow lizbunny's excellent advice about carving out 'private time'. Enjoy this opportunity!
posted by bquarters at 8:05 AM on July 12, 2011

They're not treating you like a child. This is a completely reasonable arrangement. Your husband can use a men's bathroom elsewhere in the hotel if he absolutely cannot handle sharing one.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:05 AM on July 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

If you must have your own room, you should thank the host for their generosity, but politely decline the hotel room -- then pay for a separate room on your own.
posted by festivus at 8:08 AM on July 12, 2011 [13 favorites]

My first impression is to say no, you either accept the generous arrangements provided or you decline the invite if you willl be uncomfortable. However, maybe if you are close to the relative who is hosting the affair, you could offer to pay the difference in cost that two seperate rooms would be as opposed to the two room suite.
posted by orangemacky at 8:09 AM on July 12, 2011

You sound like... You sound awfully immature here.

If it is that big of a deal, pay for your own lodging someplace you can afford. Thank relative profusely and make sure you give them enough time to downgrade the suite for your mother and sister so relative won't be stuck with the cost.
posted by jbenben at 8:09 AM on July 12, 2011 [8 favorites]

Suck it up and tell your husband to play nice. Or, if it's THAT big of a deal, you two can stay home and enjoy your privacy there.
posted by ACN09 at 8:10 AM on July 12, 2011 [6 favorites]

Either accept the offer on its terms or respectfully decline.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:11 AM on July 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Yeah, definitely overreacting. Take the suite, and if you need time to decompress, just hang out in your room.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:11 AM on July 12, 2011

Unless you and your husband have never stayed in a home with fewer bathrooms and bedrooms, this will not be a new hardship. Unless you're from a spectacularly wealthy background and your relative is crazy, this is not them trying to treat you like a child (there are cheaper ways). You're overthinking, as well as overreacting.
posted by caek at 8:13 AM on July 12, 2011

Get over it. You'll have the privacy of your own bedroom. It's not like this person is putting you up in a standard hotel room with two double beds. I have no idea why sharing a living room/bathroom for two days is remotely a big deal. (If it's relevant, I'm a major introvert.)
posted by litnerd at 8:13 AM on July 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

It's a suite, there are separate bedrooms, plus a common area. You will be fine for two nights, and presumably occupied with other festivities most of the time, anyhow. Yes, it would be rude to ask for separate accomodations, and yes, you should suck it up.
posted by kellyblah at 8:20 AM on July 12, 2011

It sounds like you, and your husband, are being treated adults. Adults can reasonably be expected to deal the discomfort and inconvenience of having to spend a few days in close proximity with immediate family. Adults have to deal with far, far worse things on a regular basis.
posted by gauche at 8:21 AM on July 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

Sharing a suite is kind of equivalent to having your own bedroom if you were to stay with family in a small house. It's not like you're on the pull-out in the living room. Sounds like a pretty good arrangement; asking for a separate room seems kind of ridiculous.
posted by phunniemee at 8:23 AM on July 12, 2011

Suck it up. Consider this the cost of an all-expenses-paid trip.

You are not being treated like a child, but if you complain about your free stuff, you will be acting like one.

Think about it. You're being given a nice room and they're taking care of paying for everything...and you complain about what you're being given for free? Reminds me of the guy at Pixar who was fired because he complained about the free bowls of cereal being too small. Focus on the awesome and be grateful for it.
posted by inturnaround at 8:23 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

You have your own room, here. This is not less private than if you were a guest in your mother's house -- and, in fact, you have considerably more options in a "nice hotel" for getting away from the fam.

I'm an introvert who is often desperate for alone-time myself, but I would consider this arrangement reasonable.
posted by endless_forms at 8:25 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

He has never "lodged" with my mother and my sister, and I see why it would be uncomfortable for him.

I think, more than anything, this is the part that is weird to me. Has your husband never spent a single night at your parents' house? Have you never spent a single night at his family or friends' houses?

I'm serious. It's really strange to me that that never would have happened at some point --- holidays, reunions, some other family event.

Staying in a hotel suite with two bedrooms, a bathroom (if not one for each room), and a living room area (if not also a kitchen area) is really not going to be any different than spending a night at one of your relatives' houses, except that none of you have to do all the clean up!

In any event, I hope you decide to go because it sounds like you'd miss a lot of fun for something that is really very little comparatively.
posted by zizzle at 8:27 AM on July 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

It's perfectly fine if you don't want to share. But it's certainly not an example of being treated like a child. It's an incredibly generous offer.

If you do end up declining, you should acknowledge the generosity. You shouldn't ask if you can pay the difference on an upgrade. I think that's super-rude.
posted by gaspode at 8:33 AM on July 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Yes, it would be rude to ask for your own room, so if you're desperate to have one, you should be prepared to pay for the difference in accommodation costs. Contact the hotel, make your arrangements, and thank your relative profusely for their generosity.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:46 AM on July 12, 2011

I am an introvert, raised in a family of introverts, with an introverted husband.

Your aunt was very thoughtful to offer a suite with a separate bedroom (where you and your husband can retire "for a nap" to get away from friends and family). If that is not acceptable for you, then you should graciously decline and either pay for your own room or don't attend.
posted by muddgirl at 8:46 AM on July 12, 2011 [14 favorites]

You're seriously overreacting. How would you feel if you were randomly assigned the room next to your mother and sister, with no living room (but both rooms opening directly onto the hotel hallway)? The only difference here is sharing a bathroom, which is eh, kinda annoying if you were planning on taking five hour baths, but I'm sure that as four adults you will manage to work these things out.
posted by anaelith at 8:48 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

N'thing suck it up. You guys are getting your own room - the bedroom. It's a trip for a birthday so I'm assuming you guys won't be spending loads of time in the suite livingroom watching tv. Or if you do, that is sad and don't go. And besides, if you get sick of your mom and your sister, just leave the room to go "visit the bar" or whatever, totally acceptable. Sharing a bathroom does not have to be a big deal either, it's only for 2 days. Just establish on the first day who likes to shower when and ask the hotel for plenty of towels.
posted by like_neon at 8:58 AM on July 12, 2011

Yes, you are over-reacting. You aren't being treated like a child; you're being treated like somebody who isn't paying for their own room.

This is the best answer. Your own private bedroom with your husband is all you need, you and/or he can retreat to it whenever you need time away from your family.
posted by hermitosis at 9:10 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Aside from the tackiness of asking your relative to change plans and pay more (this might be a package deal where getting n suites results in a significant discount, or there might be no rooms left in the hotel, etc.), how are your mother and sister going to interpret "we don't want to share a living room with you"? If there's already tension in your family, that could easily be interpreted as a passive-aggressive move.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:11 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

You have a private room. It is in a shared suite. Please reframe this for yourselves, or suck it up, or whatever it is you need to do to be okay with this and avoid even a hint of "but I wanted the pony with wings!"

This is, by the way, a very typical family arrangement. You are not being treated as a child, unless my parents - who infantilise their adult children not at all - are also treating me, my husband and my sisters are children.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:12 AM on July 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

As others have said, you are not being treated like a child, you're being treated like an adult.

One of the things that adults do is to cope graciously and considerately when situations are not perfectly to their liking, especially when it involves a generous gift such as this.
posted by scody at 9:32 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I think it would be rude to ask since your relative is already being kind enough to pay. But you could certainly politely decline the paid for room and pay for a separate room for yourself and your spouse on your own.
posted by katyggls at 9:34 AM on July 12, 2011

I was in a similar situation (parents paid for trip, had to share suite with sister and her family) and I was also anxious about privacy concerns. I sucked it up because it would have been incredibly rude to ask my parents to pay more (I couldn't afford to pay the difference) and it would have left my sister and her family feeling like we didn't like them. In the end, I have a much closer relationship with my sister and brother-in-law. I'm really glad that I shared a suite with them, and that was for a week. Yours is only two days. Deal with it.
posted by desjardins at 9:51 AM on July 12, 2011

Also - and sorry if this has been mentioned already - you can easily get some private time. When someone inevitably suggests going out to dinner as a group, tell them that you and husband are going to stay back for some "together time." They will know what you mean and won't dare to interrupt you.
posted by desjardins at 9:53 AM on July 12, 2011

Have you ever stayed in a hotel suite? It is awesome. Having a living space that isn't your sleeping space while you're on the road is fantastic, even if you have to share it with your mom and sister. If you've never stayed in a suite, I think you should consider doing it just for the experience, and the memory of that time your relative flew you in to stay in a suite and have a party. Which is probably part of what she's going for.
posted by grouse at 10:00 AM on July 12, 2011

Response by poster: Thanks, folks! I very much get the idea.
posted by stranger danger at 10:06 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

There must be something missing from your question, such as a deep dislike between your mother and your husband. Either that or you haven't stayed in a suite before and don't know how private having your own room within one can be. Think of it as staying in a two-bedroom apartment, but instead of in an apartment complex it's in a hotel.

When my partner, my dad and I went to Florida together to visit my grandma the three of us shared a room with two double beds in. None of us thought it was any big deal and this was for four nights, not two. You do what you gotta do. Please thank your relative profusely as she's being extremely generous here.
posted by hazyjane at 10:09 AM on July 12, 2011

Here's a thought: your sister will have to share a bedroom with your mother, while you and your husband get your own room. If anyone is being treated like a child, it is your sister. The accomodations for you and your husband are totally reasonable.
posted by orange swan at 10:09 AM on July 12, 2011 [12 favorites]

To be fair, your host should have checked to see that the arrangments would be comfortable for everyone. (Maybe I'm just detail oriented, but that's what I would have done prior to the invite.) Especially if the people living in the suite don't know each other that well. Communication is a two-way back-and-forth, and that's what it means to be an adult.
posted by polymodus at 10:38 AM on July 12, 2011

I suspect this suite is an attempt to have you all together as a family group. You and husband have a bedroom, so I don't think it's a case of being treated as a child.

I say this as someone whose family still treats me as 'the baby' and is often unable to see me as a full adult. I'm well past adulthood, and approaching geezerdom (over 40). Stop worrying about them treating you like an adult and treat yourself like an adult. When you change your attitude about yourself, that will change their attitude towards you, albeit over time.

Have a great trip.
posted by theora55 at 12:15 PM on July 12, 2011

Not only should you suck it up, but your husband should, too. It is not at all unreasonable to share a suite with your family members, and even an introvert can handle shared living space for a short time, especially since the two of you have your own bedroom.

This relative is generously paying for you all to come to her own celebration. I, personally, would be thanking her for that and trying my best to make sure she had a great birthday, not taking offense at implied slights (why would sharing a room be treating you as if you weren't an adult?). Get her a nice gift and enjoy yourselves, and remember you can always retreat to your own room or take a walk together if Mom and sister get to be too much for either of you.
posted by misha at 3:12 PM on July 12, 2011

No, you're not being treated like a child. This isn't sharing a room, it's sharing a suite with a separate room for you -- it's basically like staying in your mom's house (which you've done as a couple, right?).

If you really want your own room, that's fine, but you really have to sincerely offer to pay (for the whole thing; no difference-splitting) to cut down on (not eliminate) the rudeness.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:09 PM on July 12, 2011