Where are all the cute poly people in the SF bay area?
July 11, 2011 3:46 PM   Subscribe

Where are all the cute / hot and adventurous polyamorous people in the SF bay area?

I'm currently living in the SF bay area (north bay near Petaluma) and was talking to a friend the other day about polyamory (we're both exploring it -- I'm male age 33, she's female age 26). We just recently met (not via assn with polyamory) and it came out that about a year ago we both tried going to some local poly meetups around the bay area with high hopes but were ultimately disappointed that we didn't meet anyone that we were attracted to (not even remotely).

We're both very fit, active, and healthy (not in a "goes to the gym every day" kind of way, we just take exceptional care of ourselves and eat well). Yet the poly people we met were mostly either overweight, dudes with computer programmer ponytails and such, a lot older than us, socially awkward, or did not have much in common with us (we're both into outdoor stuff -- gardening, camping, rafting, etc and are kinda hippy/farmer/nature types without the BO and penchant for listening to The Grateful Dead).

So the question is: How the heck do we meet fellow poly people in the bay area who are good looking, love outdoor activities, and between 24-38 years old? (even better, in the north bay near Santa Rosa; even better better, are into gardening/permaculture)

And yes, we've already tried OK Cupid and Meetup.

Email: cuteandpolysf on the gmail

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite


I second Burning Man. Believe me, that is a social event YEAR ROUND now, especially if you work for them, especially if you live in the Bay.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:06 PM on July 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

None of the (many many) polyfolk I know go to poly specific events. You'll find them at arts events, at concerts, at queer events, at literary events, at sex positive events, at BDSM events, anything artsy and yeah, Burning Man related. Any event I go to that would prompt my mom to say, "Oh, you're so bohemian," is bound to be full of poly folk. A running joke in my circle of friends is that I am the only non-poly one. Not quite true, but moreso than not.
posted by mollymayhem at 4:07 PM on July 11, 2011 [5 favorites]

Wicked Grounds
Roller Derby: BAD Girls, Sacred City (also PRG and SVRG, although they might be pretty far south for you)
Love Triangle (a poly clubbing event, held sporadically)
For internet networking, many of the poly folks I know are on FetLife.

I feel like since the poly "community" is so interlinked, you really just need to make a few friends who are in the community and then suddenly you will know everyone.
posted by sarahnade at 4:29 PM on July 11, 2011

I have also encountered the "ponytail problem," though you forgot to mention something about Ren Faires, which also correlates strongly with the stereotypical poly folk. Have you tried Fetlife? You'll get a lot of the same people you're already getting (hell, the guy on the signup page looks exactly like what you're describing) but its got the streamlined workflow of OKCupid with a better kink focus.
posted by modernserf at 4:30 PM on July 11, 2011

Go to queer events
posted by whalebreath at 4:54 PM on July 11, 2011

check out Kinky Salon/Club Kiss
also a website called Lifestyle Lounge
posted by supermedusa at 5:47 PM on July 11, 2011

Check out poly speed dating: http://polyspeeddating.com/

It draws a really wide range of people who are practicing nonmonogamy. Yes, some of them will be the computer programmer types, but others won't.

(Disclaimer: while not involved in the Bay Area PSD events, I'm one of the organizers for it in the Boston area.)
posted by rosa at 5:54 PM on July 11, 2011

Hey Rosa! I went to the poly speed dating thing in Boston and it rocked! Thanks!

Oh, um, I mean--yeah, poly speed dating, that totally rocked, you should try it.
posted by Sublimity at 5:57 PM on July 11, 2011

collarme.com and ...uh... bdsm.com I think it was could give you people to meet.
posted by Jacen at 6:45 PM on July 11, 2011

Oh my god. There's so much. There's a big poly community potluck this Thursday in SF. There's a poly speed dating event next week in Berkeley. There are poly pool parties throughout summer in the East Bay. Each attract an under 40 crowd principally. Get on mailing lists for Weirdness Events, Love Triangle, and Club Exotica. Follow Pepper on Twitter. Even if you're not into their events specifically, most other events for the under 40 poly crowd inevitably get forwarded through these.

Join Openly, the Bay Area social network founded by the hosts of the above-mentioned Kinky Salon, and operated primarily by the very poly-heavy Mission Control community.

If you're kinky, check out the BENT and Tryst parties at the Citadel. These are for, respectively, under 40, or available for dating. Both are very poly scenes.

There's not much overt poly social scene in the north bay. But the area, especially Sebastopol and surrounding west county, is brimming with 20s/30s people into outdoors and sustainable agriculture. Get involved with any hobby group there that fits your platonic interests, and be out about being poly.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 7:44 PM on July 11, 2011

So here's my opinion, which is not tied to geography and possibly unpopular, about poly events: in my experience, they attract lots of people whose identities are heavily wrapped up in being poly. That's not mutually exclusive with being cute and adventurous, of course, but I think it is to a certain degree correlated with the Ponytail Problem, for whatever reason.

The way forward? Unfortunately it takes more effort than hitting up all the poly events; it's to screen people out in the world at large for interestingness first, poly compatibility second. The very end of nakedcodemonkey's comment has it: "Get involved with any hobby group there that fits your platonic interests, and be out about being poly."
posted by clavicle at 8:52 PM on July 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

There are a lot of poly people in the SF art, rave, burner, dance, tech and music scenes. Not everyone wears their poly status on their sleeve, but it is a target rich environment.

Poly events tend to be hit or miss because a lot of people who attend them are looking to hook up immediately. You'll have better luck socializing broadly. Also, having a woman with you will help break ice, whether or not you are a couple.
posted by SakuraK at 11:04 PM on July 11, 2011

One thing though: if you sound disdainful about a group as a whole ("overweight, dudes with computer programmer ponytails", "without the BO and penchant for listening to the Grateful Dead") you'll be unlikely to woo the members of that group who you find attractive. Poly-focused groups can be a little one-dimensional - people who are well-established poly practitioners, often a bit older than you - but this is true of many scenes. Follow a passion and look for your gems.
posted by SakuraK at 11:11 PM on July 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

Man, the talk of stereotypes X, Y, and Z is baffling to me. I've met shit-tons of bay area poly under 40s through events and sites mentioned in this thread. Most have proved to be engaging, smart, attractive, creative, well-rounded people who've got a lot else going on once you engage them in conversation. Give a few things up-thread a chance, and take the initiative to start conversations about topics that are exciting to you. You'd be surprised who else shares your interests and/or is pleased to introduce you to someone else who is.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 1:48 AM on July 12, 2011

Huh, I just came back from San Francisco and it seemed everyone was poly.

I'd suggest checking out any events the Center for Sex and Culture are hosting - they've got meetups, discussion groups, gigs, lectures, random artsy stuff. I interned there in the summer and they are all fabulous gorgeous people, and it's a great place to meet interesting folk.

And definitely seconding Mission Control.
posted by divabat at 11:50 PM on September 9, 2011

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