A friend of a friend is pregnant. She lives in NY city, is an orthodox jew, has no money, and the dad is not in the picture. What are programs to get her support, medical attention, etc?

July 6, 2011 8:33 AM

A friend of a friend is pregnant. She lives in NY city, is an orthodox jew, has no money, and the dad is not in the picture. What are programs to get her support, medical attention, etc?

So I just found this out. She is going to keep the baby. The dad is a deadbeat. I imagine there HAVE to be organizations that will help women in this situation, but I have no idea how to find them. Her family is supportive but poor, so for all intents and purposes she is doing this completely alone. Abortion is not an option (that's her prerogative, as difficult as I'm sure this will make her life).

She is pretty religious, and I have a hard time believing that there aren't some Jewish organizations that aren't set up to help people in this situation? I think that the priorities are finding groups that can help her…
-Navigate the government aid for people in this situation?
-Get her emotional support so she doesn't feel overwhelmed, and can help her get over any shame/etc?
-Help her maximize the chance of child support from the father?
-Get her and her baby proper prenatal care
-Prepare her to get her child, once it is born, proper medical care

Am I forgetting anything else? I don't know anyone else who has had a baby, so this is just from scanning the web and asking around, but I'd love any advice I can pass on. My friend is overwhelmed himself about how to support her, but I think the best thing he can do is get her connected with people who have a real interest in helping her have a healthy baby.

posted by wooh to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

1. Your foaf, and her parents, need to go have a talk with the lead rabbi in their community. Every orthodox group has their own way of handling these social issues, and the rabbi is going to have a tremendous amount of pull in terms of lining up ways to help from within the community, by way of people that they trust. Yes, there is a stigma attached to this situation, but in the end people are going to want the most positive outcome possible.

2. Planned Parenthood has a strong presence in NYC, and they're the go-to place for free/low cost well-baby needs. it would also not surprise me if they had an orthodox obstetrician available, who would be sensitive to her specific cultural considerations.

I hope things work out well for her.
posted by Citrus at 8:45 AM on July 6, 2011 [2 favorites]

Do you know anything more specific as to her neighborhood and her specific religious beliefs? When you say Orthodox you mean Orthodox not Hasidic right?
posted by radioamy at 9:42 AM on July 6, 2011

Response by poster: Orthodox, not hasidic. Beyond that I have no idea, although I think she lives in Brooklyn? I don't think she is in Manhattan. Wish I could give more but I don't know the person very well at all...more just trying to help my friend come up with good resources for her.
posted by wooh at 9:50 AM on July 6, 2011

Jewish board of family and children’s services in nyc
posted by Mchelly at 9:54 AM on July 6, 2011

Planned Parenthood NYC is on Bleecker Street in Manhattan, easy to get to from nearly anywhere in Brooklyn. They will be able to help and offer referrals to other places that can do things they are not able to.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 9:57 AM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is the NYC Department of Health's page on pregnancy. This is the link to the Prenatal Care Services through Medicaid and their income guidelines. There is plenty of additional info on that site as well.

As for maximizing the chance of child support, she will have to pursue it in the court system after her child is born. If he doesn't work, or works under the table, she is going to have trouble receiving the court ordered support.
posted by crankylex at 9:58 AM on July 6, 2011

The Hebrew term "bikur cholim" means "visiting the sick" and most communities have formal or informal groups that organize things like hospital visits and help for sick people. Some of them might be broader in scope or at least be able to make suggestions. There's a list of bikur cholim organizations in Brooklyn here. On that list, the Nachas Help Network looks like it might fit:

Nachas Health Net
1310 48th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11219
Contact: Rabbi Pinchus Horowitz
Phone: [phone]
Email: [e-mail]
www.nachashealth.org

Shabbat/Holiday hospitality; referrals to doctors and dentists, social work and counseling, legal services, entitlements; referrals to free immunizations; prenatal and parenting counseling (childbirth and nutrition education), health screenings - mammography, pap smear, dentistry, audiology, vision, etc.; SSI screening; home visits (outreach), services for Holocaust survivors. Enroll families into Child Health Plus and Children's Medicaid. For community residents.

And...is this a kid that will be born out of wedlock or was there a husband who skipped out/was abusive/etc? Those two situations will be seen differently and I'd look for different resources for each.
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:03 AM on July 6, 2011

There are resources for "wayward" people who kind of want to hang on - and in that world, premarital sex would put her in the wayward category - and there are resources for women having issues with their husbands/ex-husbands (abuse, not being granted a Jewish divorce, etc.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:06 AM on July 6, 2011

Response by poster: The baby is out of wedlock. Thanks for the info, y'all, it helps a lot.
posted by wooh at 10:12 AM on July 6, 2011

-Help her maximize the chance of child support from the father?

She should consider maybe not pursuing this. Filing for child support gives him the right to seek custody and visitation. It's not as simple as just getting an extra check every month. I know that she is going to be under a lot of pressure, and the shame piece of this situation may be a big factor, but I would recommend that she not engage the father until she is very sure of the quality and type of support that she is going to receive within her community. She should get a lot of space in between her and the child support idea, if she can, and if truly going it alone is permitted in her community.

What "maximizes" her chances of getting child support is knowing who the father is, that he has money or a job at all, getting a paternity test, and putting his name on the birth certificate (I would avoid putting his name on the birth certificate when the child is born unless he has somehow come to a positive understanding with mom and is a positive presence). Being a single mom is tough, yes, but engaging an absentee/deadbeat father may or not be much more trouble, work, and risk (yes, risk) than raising a child by herself. Beware the child support angle, really, and beware of the father's family as well. Depending on the circumstances, it may not be worth it. Memail for details if you or your friend wants to...

Planned Parenthood is an amazing resource. Someone trustworthy to her might want to go with her when she goes to any appointments so that it is sure she and her baby are getting the help and protection that they need.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 10:12 AM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Filing for child support gives him the right to seek custody and visitation.

I am not a lawyer, but through my work I am familiar with family court proceedings in New York State. Custody and visitation orders are based on the best interests of the child and are unrelated to child support. The father could petition for custody or visitation whether or not the mother petitions him for child support. I hope your friend will seek reliable advice from a legal services agency before making any decisions about child support. Here's a list of NYC/Brooklyn organizations that provide free legal assistance in family law.
posted by messica at 12:01 PM on July 6, 2011 [3 favorites]

Custody and visitation orders are based on the best interests of the child and are unrelated to child support.

Yes, but by legally establishing paternity, which is required in order to get child support, the father has the right to petition and file for a formal order for custody and visitation. It could be an open door, depending on the situation. So, I guess what I was really saying is that petitioning for child support may end up opening a door that is difficult or impossible to close. Yes, legal advice is key, always. A couple of legal opinions, even better. Understanding what you are hearing, even betterer. And legal opinions and advice before action.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 12:34 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Allow me to give another vote to Planned Parenthood.
posted by CelebrenIthil at 2:06 PM on July 6, 2011

Please help her get a doula for her childbirth and post partum experience. Low and no cost doulas are always available. A doula is a woman who lend support and assistance, and can become a friend to lean on, especially if she will be alone during the birth of her child and for the first few weeks at home. Start with DONA and CAPPA
posted by LyndsayMW at 9:20 PM on July 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not sure how old this person is, but the people here might be able to help and/or connect you to good resources - specifically counseling within the Orthodox community geared toward people who haven't taken the standard obedient path. (Although I cringe at their blurb about "female-themed activities including cooking classes, sewing lessons and a beauty salon training program.")
posted by needs more cowbell at 10:58 PM on July 14, 2011