Are we just friends? part II
July 3, 2011 6:24 PM Subscribe
This is the follow up question to what i previously asked here:
To give a brief summary from part I:
Me and a guy have been acquaintances for 6 years, during this last year we started talking and being around each other more. We hung out and flirted a lot until he started his job, then made no effort to see me again.
Now, he's stopped flirting with me pretty much whenever i see him. He stopped giving me hugs, or majorly flirting like he had before (tickling me, picking me up, etc...). He's still super friendly when he sees me, still waves at me all the time, still talks to me, and occasionally if no one is around but the two of us you'll catch him flirting a tiny bit.(throwing paper and pens at me)
I asked him to hang out one day when we were both off, and he had told me to call him on Tuesday which i did but, then he told me work is making him come in at 3 and wanted to know if we could just get lunch.
So we agreed on a time and everything and then he texts me and says their making him come in earlier and he'd text me when he got off which he never did.
I don't know if any of that actually happened, part of me thinks he just said all that instead of coming right out and saying no, but then why go to all the trouble of telling me to call, arranging plans, and keep informing me if something work related came up?
I don't really know what to make of all that went on, did he ever actually like me? What was this?
I feel like i've known him too long to just move on and stop talking to him like i would any other guy. I feel desperate and annoying if i text him a simple "hi how are things?" but that's mostly because i'm insecure about making friends and just texting all together.
I feel like i'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. How do i go about pursuing a friendship with him? I'm not talking we say "hi" when we see each other and that's it, i'd like to work on building a lasting friendship with him where we tell each other things, or ask advice,etc...
To give a brief summary from part I:
Me and a guy have been acquaintances for 6 years, during this last year we started talking and being around each other more. We hung out and flirted a lot until he started his job, then made no effort to see me again.
Now, he's stopped flirting with me pretty much whenever i see him. He stopped giving me hugs, or majorly flirting like he had before (tickling me, picking me up, etc...). He's still super friendly when he sees me, still waves at me all the time, still talks to me, and occasionally if no one is around but the two of us you'll catch him flirting a tiny bit.(throwing paper and pens at me)
I asked him to hang out one day when we were both off, and he had told me to call him on Tuesday which i did but, then he told me work is making him come in at 3 and wanted to know if we could just get lunch.
So we agreed on a time and everything and then he texts me and says their making him come in earlier and he'd text me when he got off which he never did.
I don't know if any of that actually happened, part of me thinks he just said all that instead of coming right out and saying no, but then why go to all the trouble of telling me to call, arranging plans, and keep informing me if something work related came up?
I don't really know what to make of all that went on, did he ever actually like me? What was this?
I feel like i've known him too long to just move on and stop talking to him like i would any other guy. I feel desperate and annoying if i text him a simple "hi how are things?" but that's mostly because i'm insecure about making friends and just texting all together.
I feel like i'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. How do i go about pursuing a friendship with him? I'm not talking we say "hi" when we see each other and that's it, i'd like to work on building a lasting friendship with him where we tell each other things, or ask advice,etc...
As they say, he's just not that into you, it sounds like as something romantic or as the sort of serious friends you want to be. He's interested in having fun with you when he feels like it, and not when he doesn't. And whether or not you want more, I don't think you're going to get it.
posted by brainmouse at 6:31 PM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by brainmouse at 6:31 PM on July 3, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: And whether or not you want more, I don't think you're going to get it
Is this just as friends or as far as dating goes? or both?
posted by ohtimorousme at 6:34 PM on July 3, 2011
Is this just as friends or as far as dating goes? or both?
posted by ohtimorousme at 6:34 PM on July 3, 2011
It sounds like it never really got off the ground so no need to have a formal conversation. Stop flirting with him and treat him like any normal friend (but without the subtext) and you'll be fine. If you really want to drive it home, mention some other guy you're interested in. That seems to be the universal signal for "I don't like you like that."
posted by Jubey at 6:34 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by Jubey at 6:34 PM on July 3, 2011
As friends or as more. He just doesn't want the same thing as you, and there's no way to make him.
posted by brainmouse at 6:36 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by brainmouse at 6:36 PM on July 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think before you can be friends with this guy, you're going to have to get over him as a romantic prospect. You can do that by keeping contact to a friendly minimum, focusing on your hobbies and pursuing romantic opportunities with other people. Strangely enough, once you don't care anymore about being friends, that's when you'll be in a good place to be his friend, because you won't be subconsciously hoping for something more. He'll probably feel more comfortable around you then, too.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on July 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:38 PM on July 3, 2011 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Right now i have no interest in pursuing other guys, but i could probably find some hobbies to get into. What exactly is a friendly minimum? no texts? or just seeing him and saying hi,etc... every couple of weeks?
posted by ohtimorousme at 6:43 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by ohtimorousme at 6:43 PM on July 3, 2011
I would cut off all texting/e-mailing/Facebooking/etc., and see him whenever you see him. Put no effort into trying to see him, though.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:47 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:47 PM on July 3, 2011
He may have been interested at one point, but he's making it clear now that he isn't. That's what you should focus on: the way he acts at present, not the hope he gave you in the past. Much as it hurts in the moment, the most heart-healthy solution is to take all of the energy that you are putting towards wondering about the might've beens and the could haves and redirect it towards finding a distraction.
This means focusing on finding your closure, rather than making an effort to be his friend in a way that pleases him. Don't worry about that so much right now. You're in a frame of mind where you're very concerned about how he reacts to your contacts. You will know your distractions have worked when you find yourself not caring so much about his reaction. And once you stop caring, you'll naturally know what the appropriate amount of friendly communication feels like -- because at that point, it will just be friendly.
Good luck. I know it hurts.
posted by houndsoflove at 6:50 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
This means focusing on finding your closure, rather than making an effort to be his friend in a way that pleases him. Don't worry about that so much right now. You're in a frame of mind where you're very concerned about how he reacts to your contacts. You will know your distractions have worked when you find yourself not caring so much about his reaction. And once you stop caring, you'll naturally know what the appropriate amount of friendly communication feels like -- because at that point, it will just be friendly.
Good luck. I know it hurts.
posted by houndsoflove at 6:50 PM on July 3, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I suppose part of me doesn't want to just be on just friendly terms even after i successfully get over him because of how long we've known each other, and what went on between us. I can't really force him to be best buddies though. As far as being good friends goes, maybe it's just a wait and see thing. It seems after i stop trying is when someone becomes a better friend,etc...
Thank you though, this really helped :)
posted by ohtimorousme at 7:01 PM on July 3, 2011
Thank you though, this really helped :)
posted by ohtimorousme at 7:01 PM on July 3, 2011
My guess would be that he's found someone else who he flirts with now. Maybe he found someone at his new job who he's really into? He's probably still happy being friends with you, but you've been de-prioritized. (And yeah, it totally sucks. I agree with the singer Voltaire on the topic of ex-lover's lovers... i.e. "die, die, die, die".)
posted by anaelith at 7:07 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by anaelith at 7:07 PM on July 3, 2011
Response by poster: I thought about that but, no girls work there plus (and i don't know if this is true or not) but a friend of his told me as long as they've known him he's never been all that interested in anyone, so who knows...
posted by ohtimorousme at 7:11 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by ohtimorousme at 7:11 PM on July 3, 2011
You already know this, but it bears repeating: you can't ever control how other people react to you. It's hard when you really really like them. But it's a great feeling to be able to let go of the weight of someone else's opinion because you know you're awesome and worthy of more than they are willing or able to give you.
posted by houndsoflove at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by houndsoflove at 7:14 PM on July 3, 2011 [4 favorites]
He's signaling that he's not interested in you.
Why do you want to be close friends with this guy? Ask yourself if it has something to do with the fact that you still have a crush on him.
He doesn't want a relationship. It's impossible to know if he even wants to be friends, but if he does, he clearly senses that you're not ready for friendship right now.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:08 PM on July 3, 2011
Why do you want to be close friends with this guy? Ask yourself if it has something to do with the fact that you still have a crush on him.
He doesn't want a relationship. It's impossible to know if he even wants to be friends, but if he does, he clearly senses that you're not ready for friendship right now.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:08 PM on July 3, 2011
Response by poster: While i do still have feelings for him that's not the whole reason i want to be friends. I've always liked him as a person, and he's fun to be around, and we share common interests.
he clearly senses that you're not ready for friendship right now.
How is he sensing i'm not ready for a friendship?
posted by ohtimorousme at 8:27 PM on July 3, 2011
he clearly senses that you're not ready for friendship right now.
How is he sensing i'm not ready for a friendship?
posted by ohtimorousme at 8:27 PM on July 3, 2011
There is only one way to salvage a friendship with someone who blows you off a bunch of times: stop reaching out to him. Wait for him to come crawling back to make it up to you, on his own, because he wants to. Let him keep working until you are entirely mollified. Then you may possibly be able to resume a relationship of social equals. This is the only way.
posted by milk white peacock at 10:44 PM on July 3, 2011
posted by milk white peacock at 10:44 PM on July 3, 2011
I think he's sensing that you're "not ready for a friendship" in the sense that what you want out of "a friendship" is so wildly disproportionate to what he wants and he can probably feel this coming from you pretty strongly. You want "to work on building a lasting friendship with him where we tell each other things, or ask advice,etc." He wants to throw pens around every once in a blue moon. It's possible he gets on some level that you have a whole lotta of interest in somehow being involved with him, platonic or flirty or otherwise - and he doesn't mind minor-league paper-throwing and ego boosting but he's not interested in you beyond that.
Why would you hope for a lasting friendship with a guy who kind of just moseys around your interest? An unrequited friendship is just as misery-inducing as an unrequited crush, and possibly more twisted, because you're convincing yourself even if you can't have a relationship, a "friendship" is good enough for you... if you could just make him BE FRIENDS!
You said "I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all." I think it should be "People who I wish treated me better are not my true friends." You don't have to cast them out of your life or anything - this guy is fun! Wave and pal around all you want! - but they're not worthy of your angst.
posted by sestaaak at 12:04 AM on July 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Why would you hope for a lasting friendship with a guy who kind of just moseys around your interest? An unrequited friendship is just as misery-inducing as an unrequited crush, and possibly more twisted, because you're convincing yourself even if you can't have a relationship, a "friendship" is good enough for you... if you could just make him BE FRIENDS!
You said "I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all." I think it should be "People who I wish treated me better are not my true friends." You don't have to cast them out of your life or anything - this guy is fun! Wave and pal around all you want! - but they're not worthy of your angst.
posted by sestaaak at 12:04 AM on July 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
How is he sensing i'm not ready for a friendship?
Because if you were ready for friendship you would not be focusing on every spurious aspect of this to the degree you are, oyu would not feel the need to define exactly what consititutes adequate "friendly" contact etc. He's being the mature grown up here and is creating distance to give you a chance to find something and somebody else to focus your attention on. Only once you can stop to obsess about this guy are you ready to be friends with him.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:57 AM on July 4, 2011
Because if you were ready for friendship you would not be focusing on every spurious aspect of this to the degree you are, oyu would not feel the need to define exactly what consititutes adequate "friendly" contact etc. He's being the mature grown up here and is creating distance to give you a chance to find something and somebody else to focus your attention on. Only once you can stop to obsess about this guy are you ready to be friends with him.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:57 AM on July 4, 2011
Of the many bits of advice my dearly departed mother gave me, none rang so true as this: If someone wants to be with you, s/he will. There won't be excuses, games or other BS." I hated that she was right about this. But she was.
If there's a lot of excuses, no-shows, random bailing, whatever .... well, they're not that into you. I hated that I learned this the hard way.
Good luck to you.
posted by Mysticalchick at 1:01 PM on July 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
If there's a lot of excuses, no-shows, random bailing, whatever .... well, they're not that into you. I hated that I learned this the hard way.
Good luck to you.
posted by Mysticalchick at 1:01 PM on July 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Sorry, the link wasn't showing up in the title.
posted by ohtimorousme at 6:26 PM on July 3, 2011