Will a proposal steal the bride's thunder?
June 30, 2011 11:43 PM Subscribe
Is it a bad idea to propose the day before (or the day of) my girlfriend's good friend's wedding?
I am worried about taking attention from the bride with the news of our engagement. We're both attending the wedding (though not in it) and most people there will know us and be excited for us. But on the other hand, we're traveling the morning after the wedding and won't be back home for months--so we won't get to see our friends or celebrate with them for months if it doesn't happen before we go. How bad of an idea is it to propose the day or morning before another wedding?
I am worried about taking attention from the bride with the news of our engagement. We're both attending the wedding (though not in it) and most people there will know us and be excited for us. But on the other hand, we're traveling the morning after the wedding and won't be back home for months--so we won't get to see our friends or celebrate with them for months if it doesn't happen before we go. How bad of an idea is it to propose the day or morning before another wedding?
Why postpone happiness? Propose the day of the wedding. Propose today. Propose yesterday. I think it's silly to assume that the bride and groom won't get enough attention if you're engaged. They're having a wedding, for chrissakes. Nothing's more look-at-us!!! than that. You shouldn't let their plans interfere with your life.
...Unless you guys feel the need to have a big look-at-us!!! engagement announcement. Do you? Is it possible to get engaged and then be all, "oh, by the way, we're engaged now, no big?"
posted by phunniemee at 11:56 PM on June 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
...Unless you guys feel the need to have a big look-at-us!!! engagement announcement. Do you? Is it possible to get engaged and then be all, "oh, by the way, we're engaged now, no big?"
posted by phunniemee at 11:56 PM on June 30, 2011 [6 favorites]
Very bad, especially the day of. Assuming the wedding isn't this weekend announce the engagement a few weeks before your friend's wedding, even if it's not in person. People will still be excited for you the first time they see you, even if it's at the wedding, but the announcement won't steal from the wedding of your friends. If it is this weekend then I'd wait until you get back.
posted by Mitheral at 12:01 AM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Mitheral at 12:01 AM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]
so we won't get to see our friends or celebrate with them for months if it doesn't happen before we go.
Exactly. Wait a few months.
It would be terribly rude, in my opinion, to steal the spotlight for yourselves and to basically commandeer the crowd's attention. They are not gathered there for your convenience, but there for someone else's wedding. How incredibly tacky.
Don't do it.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:18 AM on July 1, 2011 [35 favorites]
Exactly. Wait a few months.
It would be terribly rude, in my opinion, to steal the spotlight for yourselves and to basically commandeer the crowd's attention. They are not gathered there for your convenience, but there for someone else's wedding. How incredibly tacky.
Don't do it.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:18 AM on July 1, 2011 [35 favorites]
I totally understand the pragmatic reason ("all my friends will be there to celebrate with us, how convenient!") but you do realize the reason that all your friends are together is to celebrate the actual couple getting married right?
Without knowing anything about the bride and groom getting married (they may after all be totally cool with it and actually let you sit at their table and cut the cake with them) I would err on the side of caution and say DON'T. Ask after, celebrate a few months later when you see your friends again. Think of it as prolonging the engagement festivities!
posted by like_neon at 1:34 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Without knowing anything about the bride and groom getting married (they may after all be totally cool with it and actually let you sit at their table and cut the cake with them) I would err on the side of caution and say DON'T. Ask after, celebrate a few months later when you see your friends again. Think of it as prolonging the engagement festivities!
posted by like_neon at 1:34 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
I think the only way you'd really manage to steal the bride's thunder would be to propose in front of everyone at one of the wedding events. Otherwise it depends on how this group of people would process it - how did things go when this bride announced their engagement? If they're a social group prone to drama and proposals are a huge deal to everyone then wait. If friends are more easygoing and likely to say "oh how wonderful!" and the moment passes after a bit of gushing, then it'd probably be a fine time for you to quietly share the good news. I don't believe you should wait months more to ask her though, if you're ready now. Life's too short and all that.
posted by ergo at 1:35 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by ergo at 1:35 AM on July 1, 2011
what about asking the bride and groom, for all you know, they might be thrilled, and help you out settting up something fun.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:56 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd say no. A lot of work goes into a wedding and it's kind of mean to piggy-back on that for your own celebration. However, maybe it's cool with your friends - impossible for internet strangers to know that. One test would be to think how you will feel a year down the line, if Tammy and Fred or Bob and Michael or Jean and Alice announced their engagement on your wedding day (also - there may be huge differences of opinion between you and your partner on this matter, don't make assumptions here).
Another thought - why are you so keen to announce it now, is there a bit of you that's caught up with the wedding whirlwind and wants to say 'Us too!', because if so you really need to hold your horses. Their wedding is not about you. What do you want from the celebration of your engagement? A big get together? if so organise it yourselves when you get back from travelling. It'll be a totally sweet homecoming and people's attention won't be divided.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:18 AM on July 1, 2011
Another thought - why are you so keen to announce it now, is there a bit of you that's caught up with the wedding whirlwind and wants to say 'Us too!', because if so you really need to hold your horses. Their wedding is not about you. What do you want from the celebration of your engagement? A big get together? if so organise it yourselves when you get back from travelling. It'll be a totally sweet homecoming and people's attention won't be divided.
posted by freya_lamb at 2:18 AM on July 1, 2011
Yes, bad idea. They don't even like the entertainers to outshine the bride. Please, wait, before Godzilla appears in a Vera Wang gown.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:36 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 2:36 AM on July 1, 2011
Wait. (Also, proposing while traveling is totally romantic.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:01 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 4:01 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another vote for 'don't do it' here. If it was my wedding, I wouldn't say anything to you about it, but I'd privately be a bit miffed. Plus, I think it would be lovely to propose while traveling. And who says that the engagement celebration needs to take place right after the engagement itself? You'll have plenty of time when you get back from the trip.
posted by guessthis at 4:06 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by guessthis at 4:06 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd say, if you're close enough to the bride and groom that they would be happy to share in the excitement, you're close enough to them to ask their opinion first.
Personally, I have some friends that I would've been delighted to share the spotlight with on my big day - and others that I'd have been muttering nasty comments about for weeks later. You probably know what level you're at, and if you're even close... they won't be offended by your asking.
posted by ferociouskitty at 4:07 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Personally, I have some friends that I would've been delighted to share the spotlight with on my big day - and others that I'd have been muttering nasty comments about for weeks later. You probably know what level you're at, and if you're even close... they won't be offended by your asking.
posted by ferociouskitty at 4:07 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, and I don't know how your partner would feel about this, but I would love to look back on a proposal as a memory shared only between the two of us, and the start of a new adventure which ultimately involves only us - not as piggybacking on someone else's celebration.
posted by guessthis at 4:08 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by guessthis at 4:08 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
In addition to stealing the bride and groom's thunder, it will look knockoffy and insincere. Like you wouldn't have thought about marriage if there weren't a wedding in your face.
Friends and family don't need to physically be there or know instantly to be happy about your engagement, and you're inviting them all to your wedding anyway, right? The moment of the proposal is for you and your future wife; everyone and everything else is optional.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:14 AM on July 1, 2011 [7 favorites]
Friends and family don't need to physically be there or know instantly to be happy about your engagement, and you're inviting them all to your wedding anyway, right? The moment of the proposal is for you and your future wife; everyone and everything else is optional.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:14 AM on July 1, 2011 [7 favorites]
How bad of an idea is it to propose the day or morning before another wedding?
It is a very bad idea. Even if the bride and groom were totally down with it, it's still a bad idea, as it comes off as selfish and MEMEMEME.
Wait the few months, there's no need to horn in on someone else's wedding.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:21 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
It is a very bad idea. Even if the bride and groom were totally down with it, it's still a bad idea, as it comes off as selfish and MEMEMEME.
Wait the few months, there's no need to horn in on someone else's wedding.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:21 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I would count up the percentage of comments in this thread that are against the idea, and that'll be the percentage of people at the wedding that will think it was a jerk move.
posted by about_time at 4:33 AM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by about_time at 4:33 AM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
Such a move would put your girlfriend in the very uncomfortable position of appearing to be trying to steam the bride's limelight. This is not a good thing, and could actually hurth their friendship, depending on how the bride takes it.
I would wait at least a month following the wedding before proposing.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:45 AM on July 1, 2011
I would wait at least a month following the wedding before proposing.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:45 AM on July 1, 2011
This is only an attention-seeking move if you use it to seek attention. It is in no way "rude" to have life experiences at the same time as your friends. Is your wife-to-be going to share her ovulation calendar with all her friends too, to make sure she doesn't rudely have babies at the same time as they do?
Look, it's your life. Get engaged and just don't go squeeing about it all over the wedding. You don't actually have to announce the engagement at all. Therefore, it's certainly all right to hold off mentioning it until you get back from your trip. Or you can mention it in your correspondence as you go along. Or your parents can mention it. Or you can place an ad in the local paper "Announcement is made of the engagement of Miss Uanne Owen to Mr Anthony Onymous" since the ad probably won't appear until after your friends' wedding anyway.
But while you're at the wedding, you can just keep schtum unless someone collars you and demands to know if you're engaged. Which, in all likelihood, they won't, even if your fiancee is sporting a rock the size of the Hope Diamond. But if they do, you can just whisper, "yes indeed, we are engaged. Doesn't Bridezilla look cute in that 30-foot cathedral train? Yum this cake is delicious."
posted by tel3path at 4:46 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Look, it's your life. Get engaged and just don't go squeeing about it all over the wedding. You don't actually have to announce the engagement at all. Therefore, it's certainly all right to hold off mentioning it until you get back from your trip. Or you can mention it in your correspondence as you go along. Or your parents can mention it. Or you can place an ad in the local paper "Announcement is made of the engagement of Miss Uanne Owen to Mr Anthony Onymous" since the ad probably won't appear until after your friends' wedding anyway.
But while you're at the wedding, you can just keep schtum unless someone collars you and demands to know if you're engaged. Which, in all likelihood, they won't, even if your fiancee is sporting a rock the size of the Hope Diamond. But if they do, you can just whisper, "yes indeed, we are engaged. Doesn't Bridezilla look cute in that 30-foot cathedral train? Yum this cake is delicious."
posted by tel3path at 4:46 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
A friend announced her pregnancy the day before my other friend's wedding and it definitely stole lots of thunder. Not the same thing exactly, but along the same lines. And please don't put the bride in the groom in the position of having to say whether or not it's OK.
posted by smirkyfodder at 4:47 AM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by smirkyfodder at 4:47 AM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
But, yeah, like tel3path says. Definitely get engaged whenever you want, just don't announce it at the wedding.
posted by smirkyfodder at 4:48 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by smirkyfodder at 4:48 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
How would you and your future spouse feel if a friend of yours proposed the day of your wedding?
No matter how you answer that, realize that everyone isn't you. People are traveling to experience your the wedding of your friends - to see them make vows of love, commitment, fidelity to each other. They are there to celebrate, to cry, to put their time and energy not only on the couple getting married but also on those who are there to support this couple getting married. They are celebrating a life milestone that they invited you to be a part of. Embrace their milestone and support it.
You don't need your friends to celebrate your engagement right away. On your trip, feel free to get engaged. They will be ready to welcome you with open arms and ask to see the ring 8 million times once you get back. The thing about engagements is that, for as long as you're engaged, people will always ask you about the proposal, the ring, the story, how long you've been together, etc etc etc. It won't stop happening. You'll get all the attention you need - probably too much actually. So just wait.
posted by Stynxno at 4:52 AM on July 1, 2011
No matter how you answer that, realize that everyone isn't you. People are traveling to experience your the wedding of your friends - to see them make vows of love, commitment, fidelity to each other. They are there to celebrate, to cry, to put their time and energy not only on the couple getting married but also on those who are there to support this couple getting married. They are celebrating a life milestone that they invited you to be a part of. Embrace their milestone and support it.
You don't need your friends to celebrate your engagement right away. On your trip, feel free to get engaged. They will be ready to welcome you with open arms and ask to see the ring 8 million times once you get back. The thing about engagements is that, for as long as you're engaged, people will always ask you about the proposal, the ring, the story, how long you've been together, etc etc etc. It won't stop happening. You'll get all the attention you need - probably too much actually. So just wait.
posted by Stynxno at 4:52 AM on July 1, 2011
I don't know your girlfriend, but the situation could make her very conscious of not appearing to steal the bride's thunder, and maybe she won't feel comfortable celebrating to the extent that she would otherwise want to. For both your girlfriend's sake and the bride's, wait.
Also, I like about_time's advice.
posted by katopotato at 4:53 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, I like about_time's advice.
posted by katopotato at 4:53 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
How soon is the wedding? If it's not this weekend, why not propose right now? If you know you want to marry her, come up with a sweet way to propose so she'll have a good "story" to tell, and just do it, and start calling your friends and family tonight, as if there were no wedding on the horizon. Then when you see everyone there, they will see it as the first chance to see you and be happy for you, without it becoming a stealing-thunder thing.
If the wedding is this weekend, it depends on how you plan to ask and announce it. In our community, weddings are always seen as a good thing, and this would just make everyone happier. But in a lot of places, it would bother the bride, especially if you made a grand announcement or otherwise genuinely took attention away from her during her time to shine. Plus it could also be unfair to your girlfriend. If she's the type who wants to yell "I'M ENGAGED!!!" and really celebrate the moment, she might feel torn and put on the spot when faced with a room full of people who are there to fete someone else who she cares about. Like she can't enjoy her own moment 'properly,' either.
A third option is to propose with a ring, and not announce anything. If she wears the ring, some people will notice, and you'll have a chance to be congratulated while still saying, "it's not about us now." But that would require a girlfriend who doesn't need a big show-off moment about becoming engaged (which isn't everyone).
So I guess my question is, is this about you, or is this about them? Do you want to propose because you finally realized you want your girlfriend in your life forever, and the sooner you get started with that forever, the better? Or is this about, you both know you're getting married eventually, but here's your big chance to make it an Event with lots of hugs and celebration from others? If it's the latter (and the wedding is this weekend), I'd wait.
posted by Mchelly at 4:56 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
If the wedding is this weekend, it depends on how you plan to ask and announce it. In our community, weddings are always seen as a good thing, and this would just make everyone happier. But in a lot of places, it would bother the bride, especially if you made a grand announcement or otherwise genuinely took attention away from her during her time to shine. Plus it could also be unfair to your girlfriend. If she's the type who wants to yell "I'M ENGAGED!!!" and really celebrate the moment, she might feel torn and put on the spot when faced with a room full of people who are there to fete someone else who she cares about. Like she can't enjoy her own moment 'properly,' either.
A third option is to propose with a ring, and not announce anything. If she wears the ring, some people will notice, and you'll have a chance to be congratulated while still saying, "it's not about us now." But that would require a girlfriend who doesn't need a big show-off moment about becoming engaged (which isn't everyone).
So I guess my question is, is this about you, or is this about them? Do you want to propose because you finally realized you want your girlfriend in your life forever, and the sooner you get started with that forever, the better? Or is this about, you both know you're getting married eventually, but here's your big chance to make it an Event with lots of hugs and celebration from others? If it's the latter (and the wedding is this weekend), I'd wait.
posted by Mchelly at 4:56 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
My brother-and-now-sister-in-law got engaged about a week before my wedding. At my wedding, everyone hugged and smiled and congratulated them, as they should have! It was no big deal. I was/am happy for them, and I am a laid back person.
I think it depends on the couple getting married -- are they going to make a big deal about having attention "stolen" from them or some other nonsense? If so, wait. If not, go for it. I personally see no reason to delay.
posted by nuclear_soup at 4:58 AM on July 1, 2011
I think it depends on the couple getting married -- are they going to make a big deal about having attention "stolen" from them or some other nonsense? If so, wait. If not, go for it. I personally see no reason to delay.
posted by nuclear_soup at 4:58 AM on July 1, 2011
Will you be traveling so remotely you can call or skype friends and family when you propose?
I mean, either way, don't do it--and don't ask the bride and groom if you can. They have enough going on without trying to figure out how to say, "Yeah, we mind" without seeming selfish.
But particularly if you can call or skype from your travel destination(s), there's no reason you can't propose, call people and share your news, and then celebrate when you return--doing that as opposed to proposing and celebrating with friends the following day won't make your engagement any less special.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:03 AM on July 1, 2011
I mean, either way, don't do it--and don't ask the bride and groom if you can. They have enough going on without trying to figure out how to say, "Yeah, we mind" without seeming selfish.
But particularly if you can call or skype from your travel destination(s), there's no reason you can't propose, call people and share your news, and then celebrate when you return--doing that as opposed to proposing and celebrating with friends the following day won't make your engagement any less special.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:03 AM on July 1, 2011
Propose, why wait? Why do people complicate these things so needlessly?
posted by yarly at 5:16 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by yarly at 5:16 AM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think it depends on what kind of proposal it will be.
If you're one of those people who is mega-invested in OUR SUPER-UNIQUE SCENE STEALING PROPOSAL, then no. Please no. Wait as long as you need to wait to stage an event like that without it being disruptive to other people.
If you were thinking you'd whip the ring out over a quiet dinner with your fiance, and just wanted to take the opportunity to tell people about it at your friend's wedding reception, simply because lots of friends and family will be on the scene, then sure, why not?
Unless you know the bride is going to be one of those My Special Day princesses, in which case it would be PC to just not mention it at all.
posted by Sara C. at 5:30 AM on July 1, 2011
If you're one of those people who is mega-invested in OUR SUPER-UNIQUE SCENE STEALING PROPOSAL, then no. Please no. Wait as long as you need to wait to stage an event like that without it being disruptive to other people.
If you were thinking you'd whip the ring out over a quiet dinner with your fiance, and just wanted to take the opportunity to tell people about it at your friend's wedding reception, simply because lots of friends and family will be on the scene, then sure, why not?
Unless you know the bride is going to be one of those My Special Day princesses, in which case it would be PC to just not mention it at all.
posted by Sara C. at 5:30 AM on July 1, 2011
It's absolutely crazy to deal with weddings as if the bride and groom are king and queen and must be treated daintily, and allowed to gathering up all the light in the room and have it focused on them exclusively. If two of my friends had announced at my wedding that they were engaged, I would have considered it sweet, charming news that didn't distract at all from the fact that everyone was actually gathered to see me married.
Jeez.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:46 AM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Jeez.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:46 AM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
It depends on what kind of proposal it will be, and what kind of person the bride is. If, for example, you could successfully collude with the bride and wedding planner to have your girlfriend catch the bouquet and THEN you could propose -- usually this whole bit happens toward the END of the reception anyway -- that would be pretty cool. IF THE BRIDE is the kind of person who would enjoy that. I mean, I would have been in favor of that at my wedding. We Would Have Been Pleased. But you know, the only person here who knows your friends is YOU, and since you're asking, I'm betting there's a good chance that it might be a bad idea.
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:51 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:51 AM on July 1, 2011
If two of my friends had announced at my wedding that they were engaged, I would have considered it sweet, charming news that didn't distract at all from the fact that everyone was actually gathered to see me married.
This. I'm trying to imagine on what planet I'd be on wherein I wasn't anything other than thrilled to hear about my good friend's engagement, whenever it happened.
I guess ultimately what really matters here is your girlfriend. Does she want the super elaborate surprise proposal, which certainly shouldn't take place at a wedding reception? Is her friend actually a crazy bridezilla who would be offended no matter what, and you want to save her the drama? Would she herself rather focus on her friend's wedding? Is she getting antsy that you're not proposing yet? Would she rather be in the limelight?
posted by yarly at 5:55 AM on July 1, 2011
This. I'm trying to imagine on what planet I'd be on wherein I wasn't anything other than thrilled to hear about my good friend's engagement, whenever it happened.
I guess ultimately what really matters here is your girlfriend. Does she want the super elaborate surprise proposal, which certainly shouldn't take place at a wedding reception? Is her friend actually a crazy bridezilla who would be offended no matter what, and you want to save her the drama? Would she herself rather focus on her friend's wedding? Is she getting antsy that you're not proposing yet? Would she rather be in the limelight?
posted by yarly at 5:55 AM on July 1, 2011
Refraining from doing this doesn't mean the bride and groom are horrible attention hoarding monsters. The choice isn't propose now or never you have no imperative to do it just before the wedding and it would upset some people so it might be better not to.
The bigger issue in my eyes is that your girlfriend might like to talk about all the details with her friend (and others) and if you're traveling and the friend is getting married it doesn't seem like either will have a lot of time to do so and it might just become really overwhelming. Of course that depends on if the proposal is something she knows is coming or not.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 5:58 AM on July 1, 2011
The bigger issue in my eyes is that your girlfriend might like to talk about all the details with her friend (and others) and if you're traveling and the friend is getting married it doesn't seem like either will have a lot of time to do so and it might just become really overwhelming. Of course that depends on if the proposal is something she knows is coming or not.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 5:58 AM on July 1, 2011
He doesn't want to do this on the hush-hush. He wants to "see our friends" and "celebrate with them." No.
If somebody proposed to me on the morning of a dear friend's wedding I suspect I would say "Dear god, what messed-up timing," and make my response after the dear friend's wedding was over... Consider that your girlfriend may not enjoy the distraction, may not enjoy having to rush off to do something else instead of basking in it, etc.
posted by kmennie at 6:03 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
If somebody proposed to me on the morning of a dear friend's wedding I suspect I would say "Dear god, what messed-up timing," and make my response after the dear friend's wedding was over... Consider that your girlfriend may not enjoy the distraction, may not enjoy having to rush off to do something else instead of basking in it, etc.
posted by kmennie at 6:03 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you have to ask whether something is a bad idea, it probably is. This clearly is.
The whole point of proposing then is to attention grab - to celebrate your thing with your friends who are there for your girlfriend's friend's wedding. I mean, come on!
posted by J. Wilson at 6:16 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
The whole point of proposing then is to attention grab - to celebrate your thing with your friends who are there for your girlfriend's friend's wedding. I mean, come on!
posted by J. Wilson at 6:16 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had the most laid-back, relaxed wedding I know of; our attitude toward it all was, "If this decision is stressful, it just doesn't get made, and we work around it." Seriously low-stress. Despite this, the day of the wedding I was sleep-deprived, had to be too many places at once, was trying to see way too many people who I didn't see often enough and also meeting a lot of people for the first time.
If someone had surprised us & our friends with an engagement announcement that day or even that week, it would have felt like there were about 20 more things *I* needed to do, even if nothing were asked of me. It wouldn't have been rational and it wouldn't have been accurate, but that's how it would have felt.
posted by galadriel at 6:24 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
If someone had surprised us & our friends with an engagement announcement that day or even that week, it would have felt like there were about 20 more things *I* needed to do, even if nothing were asked of me. It wouldn't have been rational and it wouldn't have been accurate, but that's how it would have felt.
posted by galadriel at 6:24 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm going to break with general consensus because IME people will probably ask about your plans anyway. My suggestion is:
1: Propose at least a few days before the wedding.
2: If asked, say, "Yes, we've been talking about it, but we don't want to spoil the wedding."
3: Make your own formal announcement a separate occasion.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:28 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
1: Propose at least a few days before the wedding.
2: If asked, say, "Yes, we've been talking about it, but we don't want to spoil the wedding."
3: Make your own formal announcement a separate occasion.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:28 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, it's absolutely not Bridezilla-y or selfish or shallow to be upset if someone else co-opts an event you've been planning (likely for months, possibly for years). Even if the bride is "cool with it" it's still tacky and will add stress and drama. You wouldn't show up at a friend's birthday party and demand they celebrate your birthday too, and a wedding is a hundred times that.
And consider this: are you going to invite every guest at this wedding to yours? People who witness the engagement are likely to assume they're invited.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:29 AM on July 1, 2011 [12 favorites]
And consider this: are you going to invite every guest at this wedding to yours? People who witness the engagement are likely to assume they're invited.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:29 AM on July 1, 2011 [12 favorites]
I've seen this happen. The couple who got engaged on the day of their friends' wedding did it for similar reasons: because the wedding would be full of people who'd be happy for them, i.e. people they would have invited to their own engagement party. When they announced their engagement at the wedding, it did indeed syphon off some of the crowd's attention and excitement in their direction. Although they never said anything to the engaged couple, the couple getting married felt really pissed off and resentful; they felt that the effort and expense they'd poured into their wedding had been hijacked, and that they'd been somewhat tricked into hosting their friends' engagement party.
As someone who has no time for wedding etiquette or bridezilla attitudes, even I had to agree it was rude. Don't do this. Organise your own engagement party.
posted by hot soup girl at 6:38 AM on July 1, 2011 [19 favorites]
As someone who has no time for wedding etiquette or bridezilla attitudes, even I had to agree it was rude. Don't do this. Organise your own engagement party.
posted by hot soup girl at 6:38 AM on July 1, 2011 [19 favorites]
VERY bad-you will steal the bride's thunder and spoil your own proposal because it will always be associated with someone else's big day. Plus it might look like you were just in 'wedding mode' and not proposing out of your own desires
posted by Frosted Cactus at 6:38 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by Frosted Cactus at 6:38 AM on July 1, 2011
Also- if these friends ever divorce? It's going to be pretty depressing recalling their wedding/your proposal day. "Yeah he proposed to me at Rachel and Dave's wedding...man, their custody battle is just brutal." Not a happy thought.
posted by castlebravo at 6:50 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by castlebravo at 6:50 AM on July 1, 2011
I think there is a marked difference in tone between the comments above that are telling you, "It would be impolite and/or tacky to propose now," versus the comments telling you, "It's your life, dude, and other people can just deal." Read for yourself. If you also find a difference in tone, consider whether it indicates anything about the age or life-experience of the comments' authors.
We're both attending the wedding (though not in it) and most people there will know us and be excited for us. (emphasis added)
Maybe. But they aren't planning to be excited for you. They are planning to be excited for the marrying couple. Hyperbole aside, I actually agree that the word "hijack" is somewhat appropriate for what you're suggesting.
Ask yourself how you would feel differently if you proposed quietly to your girlfriend on the day of this wedding—meaning, you both kept it secret and didn't tell anyone until a week later. If having those people around you react with excitement is an important part of this equation for you, and you'd feel different about this decision if you had to keep your new engagement secret for a few days, then that's a clue that you might be heading for "hijack" territory.
Of course, even if you felt okay about keeping it secret, that doesn't address your girlfriend's feelings. She might want to blurt about her engagement to everybody immediately when it happens, and you'd be robbing her of that experience by doing it this way. She might also genuinely want to immerse herself in happiness for her good friend on this wedding day, and distracting her with another big event—even a happy one—might be a tad insensitive. Finally and related, why cram everything into twelve hours when you could give your girlfriend two happy days, her good friend's wedding and then her own engagement?
posted by cribcage at 6:51 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
We're both attending the wedding (though not in it) and most people there will know us and be excited for us. (emphasis added)
Maybe. But they aren't planning to be excited for you. They are planning to be excited for the marrying couple. Hyperbole aside, I actually agree that the word "hijack" is somewhat appropriate for what you're suggesting.
Ask yourself how you would feel differently if you proposed quietly to your girlfriend on the day of this wedding—meaning, you both kept it secret and didn't tell anyone until a week later. If having those people around you react with excitement is an important part of this equation for you, and you'd feel different about this decision if you had to keep your new engagement secret for a few days, then that's a clue that you might be heading for "hijack" territory.
Of course, even if you felt okay about keeping it secret, that doesn't address your girlfriend's feelings. She might want to blurt about her engagement to everybody immediately when it happens, and you'd be robbing her of that experience by doing it this way. She might also genuinely want to immerse herself in happiness for her good friend on this wedding day, and distracting her with another big event—even a happy one—might be a tad insensitive. Finally and related, why cram everything into twelve hours when you could give your girlfriend two happy days, her good friend's wedding and then her own engagement?
posted by cribcage at 6:51 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've witnessed a similar situation, a couple did announce an engagement at a wedding. I think one of them was actually in the wedding, even.
Years later, everyone still talks about how rude that was, anytime that wedding comes up in conversation. Not fair to the bride and groom, and not how you probably want your engagement announcement to be viewed.
posted by terilou at 7:03 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Years later, everyone still talks about how rude that was, anytime that wedding comes up in conversation. Not fair to the bride and groom, and not how you probably want your engagement announcement to be viewed.
posted by terilou at 7:03 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
cribcage: Silly me, as someone midway to old fartdom, I've just sort of assumed that real-life engagements tend tend to be more of an extended negotiation rather than a single grandstanding event, since I've rarely seen a couple do something different.
Of course, there's a comfortable middle ground between keeping it a secret and making it into another "event" (another reason why announcing at a wedding is likely a bad thing is because weddings usually involve 10 hours of obligations stuffed into a 4-hour schedule). It's acknowledge the existence of the relationship but not make a big deal out of it, since, after all, we talk about all sorts of life changes at the reception as part of "small talk." Hence my advice of, "yes, but we're not ready to make a announcement. Wasn't the weather just splendid today?"
Then again, my social and family circle doesn't automatically assume that a couple wants to make a big deal out of an intent to get married. We often don't even find out until after the fact.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:18 AM on July 1, 2011
Of course, there's a comfortable middle ground between keeping it a secret and making it into another "event" (another reason why announcing at a wedding is likely a bad thing is because weddings usually involve 10 hours of obligations stuffed into a 4-hour schedule). It's acknowledge the existence of the relationship but not make a big deal out of it, since, after all, we talk about all sorts of life changes at the reception as part of "small talk." Hence my advice of, "yes, but we're not ready to make a announcement. Wasn't the weather just splendid today?"
Then again, my social and family circle doesn't automatically assume that a couple wants to make a big deal out of an intent to get married. We often don't even find out until after the fact.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:18 AM on July 1, 2011
No freakin way. Let your friends get married. Don't make anything about their wedding about you.
posted by gnutron at 7:19 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by gnutron at 7:19 AM on July 1, 2011
One of my friends proposed to his wife the morning of my wedding day. They did not announce it in a big way, but it came up a lot during the mingling portion of the evening. They basically told two or three people and it made its way around the room.
I thought it was incredibly sweet and romantic, and I did not feel that my thunder was stolen. When I was making my rounds I got to congratulate them as well as being congratulated myself, and it was a piece of happy news that went around the room in the way of the very best gossip. It's a nice memory.
If they had taken up a toast with the announcement, or tried to shoehorn it in to the events of the evening in an ostentatious way, I might have killed someone.
So I say it's all about how you do it -- don't hijack someone's wedding and make it about yourself, but if you treat it delicately and share the news one on one through the evening, it can be lovely.
posted by freshwater at 7:27 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I thought it was incredibly sweet and romantic, and I did not feel that my thunder was stolen. When I was making my rounds I got to congratulate them as well as being congratulated myself, and it was a piece of happy news that went around the room in the way of the very best gossip. It's a nice memory.
If they had taken up a toast with the announcement, or tried to shoehorn it in to the events of the evening in an ostentatious way, I might have killed someone.
So I say it's all about how you do it -- don't hijack someone's wedding and make it about yourself, but if you treat it delicately and share the news one on one through the evening, it can be lovely.
posted by freshwater at 7:27 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Propose to your girlfriend whenever you want - do it in the bathroom at the wedding reception if you want to.
But it's rude to co-op a wedding celebration with your own engagement celebration, unless you want to pitch in for part of the bill.
posted by muddgirl at 7:33 AM on July 1, 2011
But it's rude to co-op a wedding celebration with your own engagement celebration, unless you want to pitch in for part of the bill.
posted by muddgirl at 7:33 AM on July 1, 2011
You framed your question in a way that implies that this is your only chance to propose before your trip. Presumably, the couple getting married have been planning their wedding day for awhile. Presumably you have been planning on getting engaged for awhile and planning on your multi-month trip for awhile. By getting engaged on the eve or day of the wedding, you absolutely will be hijacking the event as you have had sufficient time to plan to be engaged before your trip but not in a way that steals attention from the bride and groom.
So, if the wedding is this weekend, don't do it. You had your chance to get engaged before your trip in a way that does not offend and you chose not to take it.
That said, if the wedding is a few weeks out, do it now and tell everyone now so that the initial excitement of the engagement is over by the time the wedding comes around.
posted by murrey at 7:44 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, if the wedding is this weekend, don't do it. You had your chance to get engaged before your trip in a way that does not offend and you chose not to take it.
That said, if the wedding is a few weeks out, do it now and tell everyone now so that the initial excitement of the engagement is over by the time the wedding comes around.
posted by murrey at 7:44 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I, too, had two separate friends who proposed on the day of our wedding, which I thought was great. However, they told us (and everyone else) later; I would have been *very* offended had they chosen to add it to our celebration.
posted by seventyfour at 7:56 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by seventyfour at 7:56 AM on July 1, 2011
Some brides and grooms would be cool with it (I would have been happy and would have enjoyed helping) but other brides and grooms would not be OKAY) it is totally impossible to figure out on the internets which camp your friends fall in.
posted by bananafish at 8:02 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by bananafish at 8:02 AM on July 1, 2011
What's wrong with not seeing or celebrating with your friends for months? Coming back from traveling is a great time to throw a party. It's not like anyone will forget about you and your engagement.
It does sound like you are thinking more about the reaction of your friends, and that makes it seem like you are using someone else's gathering for your own satisfaction.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:03 AM on July 1, 2011
It does sound like you are thinking more about the reaction of your friends, and that makes it seem like you are using someone else's gathering for your own satisfaction.
posted by oneirodynia at 9:03 AM on July 1, 2011
Here's a different option: if you and your friends are the kind of people who think 7 hours of wedding festivities are Just Not Enough and go out to hit the bars after the bride and groom have taken off to enjoy their nuptial bliss, you could do the engagement announcement business THEN.
I tend to agree that getting quietly engaged is one thing, but that if you expect your friends to be "celebrating" your engagement at someone else's wedding then that is not just tacky, or rude, but mean. The cultural meme of "bridezillas" tends to help obscure the point that weddings are expensive (no matter how ritzy it is or isn't, a wedding costs substantially more than a similar party that is not a wedding), and take a great deal of time, energy, and emotional and social capital to plan, and throwing your own business into the works is just unkind.
posted by endless_forms at 9:04 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
I tend to agree that getting quietly engaged is one thing, but that if you expect your friends to be "celebrating" your engagement at someone else's wedding then that is not just tacky, or rude, but mean. The cultural meme of "bridezillas" tends to help obscure the point that weddings are expensive (no matter how ritzy it is or isn't, a wedding costs substantially more than a similar party that is not a wedding), and take a great deal of time, energy, and emotional and social capital to plan, and throwing your own business into the works is just unkind.
posted by endless_forms at 9:04 AM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
Propose after the reception. It's become standard for the wedding to be "only about the bride & groom" but your proposal can be seen as "Your wedding was so beautiful and romantic I just had to propose." I think it's romantic.
posted by theora55 at 9:08 AM on July 1, 2011
posted by theora55 at 9:08 AM on July 1, 2011
"Your wedding was so beautiful and romantic I just had to propose."
I don't know your girlfriend and I am not your girlfriend, but to me that is not romantic and that sounds like a terrible reason to be proposed to.
I think most people are saying "No" and those who say "do it" have the caveat that you do it very quietly and without a fuss.
However, the question states that the reason you want to do it then and there is to "celebrate" with your friends at another friends' wedding, which just seems thoughtless and inconsiderate. I think that tips it over to "Yuk, do not do this".
posted by like_neon at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2011
I don't know your girlfriend and I am not your girlfriend, but to me that is not romantic and that sounds like a terrible reason to be proposed to.
I think most people are saying "No" and those who say "do it" have the caveat that you do it very quietly and without a fuss.
However, the question states that the reason you want to do it then and there is to "celebrate" with your friends at another friends' wedding, which just seems thoughtless and inconsiderate. I think that tips it over to "Yuk, do not do this".
posted by like_neon at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2011
My now-husband proposed about 4 hours after the wedding of a friend ended (back in our apartment after we had driven home), and I still felt a tiny twinge of guilt the next day when everybody was commenting on my changed relationship status/pictures of fancy things instead of hers on facebook. I don't know if she minded, she seemed genuinely happy for us- but I still felt bad. And the memory of the proposal will always remind me of that friend, so make sure that friendship will be intact for a long time or at least fade gracefully.
posted by alygator at 9:42 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by alygator at 9:42 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
consider whether it indicates anything about the age or life-experience of the comments' authors.
My considerable age and life-experience indicate that huge to-dos over weddings or proposals are pretty silly. Just get engaged. The marriage is the thing, not the engagement (or the wedding).
posted by yarly at 9:45 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
My considerable age and life-experience indicate that huge to-dos over weddings or proposals are pretty silly. Just get engaged. The marriage is the thing, not the engagement (or the wedding).
posted by yarly at 9:45 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think most people are saying "No" and those who say "do it" have the caveat that you do it very quietly and without a fuss.
Yes, this sums up my advice. Do it but don't make a fuss. If you want a fuss, plan your own damn party.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:55 AM on July 1, 2011
Yes, this sums up my advice. Do it but don't make a fuss. If you want a fuss, plan your own damn party.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:55 AM on July 1, 2011
If you do announce it, for the love of all that is good and noble in this world, please have a date reasonably settled in your minds. The first thing everyone will ask you is "when?" and it reflects poorly on you if you announce something before you have the basic facts settled. Apologies if this doesn't apply to you... it just happens to be a peeve of mine, but I don't think I'm alone in this.
To the topic at hand, I would err on not announcing at the other wedding though
posted by dgran at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2011
To the topic at hand, I would err on not announcing at the other wedding though
posted by dgran at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2011
Wow. Hmm. We got engaged four days before a good friend's wedding. It was our anniversary, and I'd been planning to do so on that day for years. However, discussion of our engagement with friends during the wedding lasted all of ten minutes. While it was nice that they asked to see the ring I gave my husband, etc., I didn't really expect anyone to bask in it our anything. We're low key, generally private people. I think the time to celebrate nuptials is, you know, at the big party designed for those things (um, the wedding). Not at someone else's party.
I'd say you should get engaged when you want to, but don't plan your engagement around the expectation that others need to be there to "celebrate" it with you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:50 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd say you should get engaged when you want to, but don't plan your engagement around the expectation that others need to be there to "celebrate" it with you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:50 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Re the "setting a date" thing - if you guys don't have a date in mind yet, it's probably best not to make a big show of announcing your engagement at someone else's wedding (or even the week before knowing that everyone will be wanting to celebrate/see the ring/whatever).
If you're not that far along down the road to getting married, it's just not that urgent that your friends know before your travels.
posted by Sara C. at 10:53 AM on July 1, 2011
If you're not that far along down the road to getting married, it's just not that urgent that your friends know before your travels.
posted by Sara C. at 10:53 AM on July 1, 2011
There's a Jewish tradition that I've always loved, which basically says that you shouldn't overlap simchas (joys, happy events, basically). Give yourself space to fully celebrate and appreciate each separate simcha to the fullest.
posted by Eshkol at 11:20 AM on July 1, 2011 [14 favorites]
posted by Eshkol at 11:20 AM on July 1, 2011 [14 favorites]
As a soon-to-be bride, trying to have a relaxed and casual event, it would bug me if you announced your engagement at my wedding. I'm not a bridezilla type, but I agree with others above that announcing at a wedding is rude. Actually getting engaged at the wedding or reception is so far beyond the pale I can't even think of words to express how rude it is.
BUT!
How the current bride and groom feel isn't even the main problem with this plan. The main problem is how your girlfriend/fiancee-to-be would feel about your proposal. Will she be embarrassed by the rude timing? Will she feel like she has to hide things to avoid being rude, which will dampen her excitement? Will she miss being the center of attention because the actual bride of the day is supposed to be the center that day? Will she feel like you only proposed because you had weddings on the brain? None of these things are good.
Save the proposal for a time when you're alone together. While traveling is a great time! You can call the important people, announce it on facebook, have a big party when you get back if you like. People will still be excited a month later when they see you for the first time as an engaged couple.
posted by vytae at 11:31 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
BUT!
How the current bride and groom feel isn't even the main problem with this plan. The main problem is how your girlfriend/fiancee-to-be would feel about your proposal. Will she be embarrassed by the rude timing? Will she feel like she has to hide things to avoid being rude, which will dampen her excitement? Will she miss being the center of attention because the actual bride of the day is supposed to be the center that day? Will she feel like you only proposed because you had weddings on the brain? None of these things are good.
Save the proposal for a time when you're alone together. While traveling is a great time! You can call the important people, announce it on facebook, have a big party when you get back if you like. People will still be excited a month later when they see you for the first time as an engaged couple.
posted by vytae at 11:31 AM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I love when I get to recycle my own answers so close in time!
Here's the thing about weddings:
What youwear do at them should not be memorable for any reason. Unless you are the bride and groom (which I find sort of funny, since I can't tell the difference between many of the froufy white dresses out there!) or performing CPR on someone.
This means no boobs hanging out, no sparkly red dresses, and no jeans, no dancing on tables, no drunkenly dragging a groomsman into a broom closet, and not proposing to your girlfriend, or announcing an engagement unless there will be other people in jeans at this wedding as well. That's right. Not just you and one other person in jeans, but you and at least two other people.
If you have any doubt thatwearing jeans to a wedding proposing would be awesome and well accepted by at least 95% of the guests, you can safely bet that it would be edgy or frowned upon kind of a pain in the ass for the bride.
People throw engagement parties for a reason. Weddings, by their definition, are not engagement party venues.
posted by bilabial at 12:25 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Here's the thing about weddings:
What you
This means no boobs hanging out, no sparkly red dresses, and no jeans, no dancing on tables, no drunkenly dragging a groomsman into a broom closet, and not proposing to your girlfriend, or announcing an engagement
If you have any doubt that
People throw engagement parties for a reason. Weddings, by their definition, are not engagement party venues.
posted by bilabial at 12:25 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]
Oh, and as a survivor of the 400 people attending my engagement a few months ago? I thought I was being clear that I wanted something private and personal.
I didn't get that. I got a video on a screen in an ordeal that took time away from the band everyone had traveled for, and forced me to show off the ring to hundreds of people instead of dancing. and then a few days later he told me that my hair hadn't looked good!
posted by bilabial at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2011
I didn't get that. I got a video on a screen in an ordeal that took time away from the band everyone had traveled for, and forced me to show off the ring to hundreds of people instead of dancing. and then a few days later he told me that my hair hadn't looked good!
posted by bilabial at 12:30 PM on July 1, 2011
Think of it this way: if you can hold off your own announcement, it's much more likely that everyone wins. Your friends get the "stage", as it were, to themselves for their wedding, and then a few weeks later, you get the stage all to yourselves for your proposal.
In situations where you share the same group of friends, isn't that kind of the best of both worlds? Nobody has to worry about whether they're accidentally stepping on anyone else's toes, and everyone gets to focus on one Big Deal at a time.
We went through something like this with announcing our engagement and announcing that my wife was pregnant with our first son, and we think that timing our announcements so they didn't overlap with anything else worked out well.
posted by scrump at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2011
In situations where you share the same group of friends, isn't that kind of the best of both worlds? Nobody has to worry about whether they're accidentally stepping on anyone else's toes, and everyone gets to focus on one Big Deal at a time.
We went through something like this with announcing our engagement and announcing that my wife was pregnant with our first son, and we think that timing our announcements so they didn't overlap with anything else worked out well.
posted by scrump at 12:31 PM on July 1, 2011
If you want everyone you know to always include in any discussion about you and your wife a brief reminisce to the effect of 'Remember when they got engaged at couple X's wedding? How tacky was that?!' then you should charge bravely ahead with your plan.
posted by winna at 12:41 PM on July 1, 2011
posted by winna at 12:41 PM on July 1, 2011
It depends on what kind of proposal it will be, and what kind of person the bride is. If, for example, you could successfully collude with the bride and wedding planner to have your girlfriend catch the bouquet and THEN you could propose -- usually this whole bit happens toward the END of the reception anyway -- that would be pretty cool. IF THE BRIDE is the kind of person who would enjoy that.
I sort of came in to say this very thing, but it would depend very much on the personality of the bride. And your fiance.
I will say this: it is the rare woman for whom a wedding doesn't stir up some thoughts about her own relationships. There will, I think, be a moment after the wedding, perhaps while you're heading home, just the two of you, that she may bring up how lovely it was, or just seem to be thinking about it. That's your moment - your moment to talk with her about weddings and what they mean, and to ask her.
posted by anastasiav at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011
I sort of came in to say this very thing, but it would depend very much on the personality of the bride. And your fiance.
I will say this: it is the rare woman for whom a wedding doesn't stir up some thoughts about her own relationships. There will, I think, be a moment after the wedding, perhaps while you're heading home, just the two of you, that she may bring up how lovely it was, or just seem to be thinking about it. That's your moment - your moment to talk with her about weddings and what they mean, and to ask her.
posted by anastasiav at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011
I'm going to go against most of the advice in this thread, because this has actually happened to me, and it worked out beautifully for all involved. Here's the story:
el_lupino and I headed up to Ithaca for the wedding of his best friend from college, Margaret, in which he was to be a groomsman.
In the afternoon, a few hours before the evening wedding, he asked me to marry him at Taughannock Falls. There was not an engagement ring. He knew I was too picky to risk it.
Well into the reception, el_lupino pulled Margaret aside momentarily and told her the good news. Margaret was overjoyed. She grabbed me, gave me a big hug, grabbed her new husband, Kevin, and filled him in. Then she asked us if it would be okay with us if she announced it to the crowd. We said "Sure!" So she did, giving a very brief and nice testimony about her friendship with el_lupino and then later coming to be friends with me. We got a rousing cheer from the other guests, and then the reception continued on its merry way, focused on Margaret and Kevin.
So, why do I think this was okay, in this particular case?
- No ring. There was no pressure for us to show off a piece of jewelry and thus become a sideshow at the reception.
- Margaret's low-key nature and her love for el_lupino and me. She was genuinely happy for us, and wanted to share our joy.
- We didn't go around the reception announcing it to all and sundry, and thus becoming a sideshow in that way.
- We knew relatively few people at the reception, and because of that there was only momentary interest in us.
So while this might not work for all engagements/weddings, it definitely worked for us. And Margaret, being a dear friend, was a bridesmaid in our wedding the following year.
I can see, however, how it might be fraught if it's a situation in which you know most of the people at the wedding.
posted by jocelmeow at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
el_lupino and I headed up to Ithaca for the wedding of his best friend from college, Margaret, in which he was to be a groomsman.
In the afternoon, a few hours before the evening wedding, he asked me to marry him at Taughannock Falls. There was not an engagement ring. He knew I was too picky to risk it.
Well into the reception, el_lupino pulled Margaret aside momentarily and told her the good news. Margaret was overjoyed. She grabbed me, gave me a big hug, grabbed her new husband, Kevin, and filled him in. Then she asked us if it would be okay with us if she announced it to the crowd. We said "Sure!" So she did, giving a very brief and nice testimony about her friendship with el_lupino and then later coming to be friends with me. We got a rousing cheer from the other guests, and then the reception continued on its merry way, focused on Margaret and Kevin.
So, why do I think this was okay, in this particular case?
- No ring. There was no pressure for us to show off a piece of jewelry and thus become a sideshow at the reception.
- Margaret's low-key nature and her love for el_lupino and me. She was genuinely happy for us, and wanted to share our joy.
- We didn't go around the reception announcing it to all and sundry, and thus becoming a sideshow in that way.
- We knew relatively few people at the reception, and because of that there was only momentary interest in us.
So while this might not work for all engagements/weddings, it definitely worked for us. And Margaret, being a dear friend, was a bridesmaid in our wedding the following year.
I can see, however, how it might be fraught if it's a situation in which you know most of the people at the wedding.
posted by jocelmeow at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
At this point in the thread, there's not much new to add, but I think a few points bear emphasizing:
-don't ask the to-be-wed couple if they mind, it puts them in a totally awkward spot
-probably 50 - 75% of the guests will think you are rude, even if the bride and groom don't mind
-if you want to surprise her, you can't get your girlfriend's opinion in advance, and she may feel like it's rude and be embarrassed
-you don't want to attach any unpleasantness to the memory of your proposal
In short, pick a different time and place. Since it sounds like you are traveling for an extended period, it might be really romantic to do somewhere along the way. When you get home, have an engagement party and celebrate with your friends and family. They won't mind that it is weeks or months after the actual proposal!
Good luck!
posted by JenMarie at 3:00 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
-don't ask the to-be-wed couple if they mind, it puts them in a totally awkward spot
-probably 50 - 75% of the guests will think you are rude, even if the bride and groom don't mind
-if you want to surprise her, you can't get your girlfriend's opinion in advance, and she may feel like it's rude and be embarrassed
-you don't want to attach any unpleasantness to the memory of your proposal
In short, pick a different time and place. Since it sounds like you are traveling for an extended period, it might be really romantic to do somewhere along the way. When you get home, have an engagement party and celebrate with your friends and family. They won't mind that it is weeks or months after the actual proposal!
Good luck!
posted by JenMarie at 3:00 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
When is this wedding? A few weeks from now? Propose now, post on Facebook, email, whatever. Let it be "old news" before the wedding itself. Why not? You already want to. If you're waiting until the day before the wedding just so you can have an OMG BIG REVEAL at the wedding itself, that's bad.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]
You might be overestimating your friends' interest in celebrating your engagement. As happy as I've been for various affianced friends, there's not much to do besides say "great!" and give them a hug and/or a drink.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:21 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:21 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by smoke at 11:46 PM on June 30, 2011 [4 favorites]