Can you be too busy to date?
June 25, 2011 8:21 PM Subscribe
Hypothetically speaking, can you be too busy to date?
This isn't a situation i'm in, i'm just sort of curious about it. All the websites i've read on it claim you can never be too busy to date, and that if you really wanted to spend time with them you'd make time.
Is this necessarily true? Could you be too busy with work and other things that you just don't have time right now even if you really liked the person?
This isn't a situation i'm in, i'm just sort of curious about it. All the websites i've read on it claim you can never be too busy to date, and that if you really wanted to spend time with them you'd make time.
Is this necessarily true? Could you be too busy with work and other things that you just don't have time right now even if you really liked the person?
It's totally subjective. If you like someone enough, almost everybody would be able to make time. But, most people have also been in a situation where you feel so busy that casual dating isn't an appealing idea.
posted by Nightman at 8:28 PM on June 25, 2011
posted by Nightman at 8:28 PM on June 25, 2011
Sure you can. Being a single parent with a special needs child and a full time job with a second part time job would make dating pretty impossible.
How is this even a question?
posted by Brian Puccio at 8:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [25 favorites]
How is this even a question?
posted by Brian Puccio at 8:28 PM on June 25, 2011 [25 favorites]
You're never forced to do anything, barring incarceration or things like that. If you're too busy to date, you prefer to do other things instead, whether that's because you enjoy them more or out of a sense of obligation, duty, or working toward long-term goals.
If you don't want to date at all, you're too busy by default. Staying at home and watching TV is more important than dating.
posted by WasabiFlux at 8:29 PM on June 25, 2011
If you don't want to date at all, you're too busy by default. Staying at home and watching TV is more important than dating.
posted by WasabiFlux at 8:29 PM on June 25, 2011
I personally don't think I could ever be too busy if I really liked the person. Too busy to go out and actively try and meet people to date, sure. But if I met someone that I really liked I can't imagine not somehow making time to see them no matter what. But then, I'd prioritize important relationships over some other things.
posted by queens86 at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by queens86 at 8:31 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Of course you can be too busy. If the other priorities in your life take up too much of your time to spend with someone you like, then you're too busy to date.
You can always rearrange your priorities, but there are only so many hours in a day.
posted by xingcat at 8:32 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
You can always rearrange your priorities, but there are only so many hours in a day.
posted by xingcat at 8:32 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sure you can. The cliche is true, there's only so many hours in a day. If it's not a priority, then you won't make the time. If it is, then you won't have time for something else.
posted by inturnaround at 8:36 PM on June 25, 2011
posted by inturnaround at 8:36 PM on June 25, 2011
There have been times I was busy and didn't want to date in a theoretical sense. But there's never been a time I really liked someone and didn't want to date her - in that situation, I would have found the time.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:50 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:50 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
"Too busy to date" doesn't literally mean that you are physically unable, it means that your priorities are oriented such that it's not feasible. And of course that's possible, duh! The real question seems to be, "is it always possible to reorient one's priorities to include time for dating?" That answer is going to depend, of course. If like in Brian Puccio's scenario, you are a single parent and you have people depending on you for income and care, then no, you probably can't just magically rearrange your time, at least not without sacrificing things like their wellbeing or food and clothing. It's a nice little self-help ditty to say that you are always in control of your priorities, but that doesn't make it true.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:52 PM on June 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Rhomboid at 8:52 PM on June 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
notsnot: "If it's a priority, you make the time."
Yep that's what it boils down to, like anything else.
Personally, for me at the moment I "don't have time". Translation: I don't make time.
By the time I finish work around 7p and do "me things" (gym, etc.) the last thing I want to do is go be cheery for someone. I want my me time. Other times in my life, things have been different.
posted by TravellingCari at 9:09 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yep that's what it boils down to, like anything else.
Personally, for me at the moment I "don't have time". Translation: I don't make time.
By the time I finish work around 7p and do "me things" (gym, etc.) the last thing I want to do is go be cheery for someone. I want my me time. Other times in my life, things have been different.
posted by TravellingCari at 9:09 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
You can be too busy to look. But if you meet cute and then cosmic coincidence keeps throwing you in the path of Mr. or Ms. Wonderful, you're going to display affection when you see them. And probably promise to make time to be with them in the future. (ironically, meet cute most often hapens when you're most busy and social and out-and-about) See the plot of every romantic movie ever, and actually pretty much how life went before online dating.
Then you know, you slow down and make time for family and the burbs or whatever.
So yes, you can be too busy to date short term. But with the right person, you'll wade through all that and come out the other side.
If someone tells you this, they're brushing you off. If someone tells you this in general sense without referring to dating you they're pretty much just complaining to complain.
I suppose, theoretically, you could be in an extremely demanding career that never, ever lets you run into members of the right gender or even socialize at all. Like military or special ops or something. *shrug*
posted by Nixy at 9:18 PM on June 25, 2011
Then you know, you slow down and make time for family and the burbs or whatever.
So yes, you can be too busy to date short term. But with the right person, you'll wade through all that and come out the other side.
If someone tells you this, they're brushing you off. If someone tells you this in general sense without referring to dating you they're pretty much just complaining to complain.
I suppose, theoretically, you could be in an extremely demanding career that never, ever lets you run into members of the right gender or even socialize at all. Like military or special ops or something. *shrug*
posted by Nixy at 9:18 PM on June 25, 2011
No, you can't be too busy to date. You can be busy enough that you do not prioritize the other person from your personal perspective. You can be busy enough that you do not prioritize the other person from their perspective. In one case, you feel guilty, and in the other case the other person finds out that they don't want to be in a relationship with you.
Personally, I don't feel good about myself when I have to neglect my personal relationships. Likewise, if others have unrealistic expectations of what I am capable of, I let them know - and I may or may not feel guilty about it - dependent on whether or not their tolerance is broken from a short term stressor or a permanent stressor.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:32 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Personally, I don't feel good about myself when I have to neglect my personal relationships. Likewise, if others have unrealistic expectations of what I am capable of, I let them know - and I may or may not feel guilty about it - dependent on whether or not their tolerance is broken from a short term stressor or a permanent stressor.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:32 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
...Of course you can?
Dating, and new relationships, are a big investment of time & attention. They can be fragile, and go wrong for reasons outside that of the two people involved. Being really stressed and busy, is one of the factors that marginally increases the chances of having everything go to hell.
Sometimes you meet someone, and it's early enough to realise that if you get into it now, there's a significant chance that external stresses and lack of time will overflow into the early relationship. And maybe you want to give it a better chance than that, and are willing to take the chance that putting it off might also mean never.
Another point is, have you seen those stress charts of life events? Change is stressful. Getting into a new relationship is stressful. Even when it's a good relationship. And this manifests as getting sick, getting depressed, and all the other stupid things that stress causes. A person with stress-related conditions might want to get things more sorted before going into that.
And finally, I know most people, including myself, who go through a phase of being mildly to severely distracted from everything else going on in their life, during the liminal stage of a relationship. Whatever else is going on in life takes a hit, whether that be finals, a new job, or some other tricky situation. I've felt bad for unintentionally distracting a partner from things they needed to do, would feel very guilty if it had had a noticeable negative effect like exams etc, and would understand if someone was juggling too many things to feel ready to date or get in a relationship.
posted by Elysum at 9:37 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Dating, and new relationships, are a big investment of time & attention. They can be fragile, and go wrong for reasons outside that of the two people involved. Being really stressed and busy, is one of the factors that marginally increases the chances of having everything go to hell.
Sometimes you meet someone, and it's early enough to realise that if you get into it now, there's a significant chance that external stresses and lack of time will overflow into the early relationship. And maybe you want to give it a better chance than that, and are willing to take the chance that putting it off might also mean never.
Another point is, have you seen those stress charts of life events? Change is stressful. Getting into a new relationship is stressful. Even when it's a good relationship. And this manifests as getting sick, getting depressed, and all the other stupid things that stress causes. A person with stress-related conditions might want to get things more sorted before going into that.
And finally, I know most people, including myself, who go through a phase of being mildly to severely distracted from everything else going on in their life, during the liminal stage of a relationship. Whatever else is going on in life takes a hit, whether that be finals, a new job, or some other tricky situation. I've felt bad for unintentionally distracting a partner from things they needed to do, would feel very guilty if it had had a noticeable negative effect like exams etc, and would understand if someone was juggling too many things to feel ready to date or get in a relationship.
posted by Elysum at 9:37 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yes. Oh god, yes, you can.
It can also be an :I'm busy dealing with my issues and can't date right now" said as gracefully as possible. It's a well-accepted excuse for recovering from a breakup in my social circle, at least.
posted by honeydew at 9:41 PM on June 25, 2011
It can also be an :I'm busy dealing with my issues and can't date right now" said as gracefully as possible. It's a well-accepted excuse for recovering from a breakup in my social circle, at least.
posted by honeydew at 9:41 PM on June 25, 2011
Pretty much what has been said already. When I was a teacher, no way did I have the time or energy to casually date. I had to really, really be into a guy to even think about adding one more person to my world. Now, most folks aren't as intensely introverted as I, but regardless, yes, if he or she is into you, they'll make time.
posted by smirkette at 9:48 PM on June 25, 2011
posted by smirkette at 9:48 PM on June 25, 2011
It's a meaningless phrase that can be answered either yes or no based on the semantics of a given situation, i.e. yes (in that other priorities preclude it) or no (in that it isn't a matter of being busy but rather ordering priorities).
Your question is almost certainly the wrong one.
posted by klangklangston at 10:08 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Your question is almost certainly the wrong one.
posted by klangklangston at 10:08 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
During tech periods, I work 80 hour weeks. Every second of off time is incredibly precious. There aren't a lot of people special enough to get some of that off time. But the right person? I'll make time.
posted by mollymayhem at 10:09 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mollymayhem at 10:09 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I was agreeing with Nixy up to a point, then decided I want to flip it the other way. As a single father of four working all of the time coaching sports &c &c I still was able to meet people and go on dates. For me things were cool if the other person didn't mind one free night a week, but I was too much of a Romantic to overlook how it would be really tough to meet a great person and then pretty much relegate the relationship to the left-over time.
That was a true fact of my situation, so I took it easy on the dating just because I realized that there were limits of what I could offer beyond being a fun friend. I am sure that it is not just single parents who are like this, but it is conceivable that people could have all kids of commitments where, if they were totally honest, they would have to admit that there were limits to what they could add to their life.
Having said that, a friend introduced me to a single mom of three with an even more demanding job situation than myself -- who lives in Brooklyn far from my Chicago. We've gotten together every two to three weeks for the past 9 months so there is a Threshold Of Awesomeness beyond which the schedule has no sway. My rational, GTD approach to the heart has been tossed into the bin at the TSA line. Who wants a meetup in Brooklyn this weekend?
posted by cgk at 10:20 PM on June 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
That was a true fact of my situation, so I took it easy on the dating just because I realized that there were limits of what I could offer beyond being a fun friend. I am sure that it is not just single parents who are like this, but it is conceivable that people could have all kids of commitments where, if they were totally honest, they would have to admit that there were limits to what they could add to their life.
Having said that, a friend introduced me to a single mom of three with an even more demanding job situation than myself -- who lives in Brooklyn far from my Chicago. We've gotten together every two to three weeks for the past 9 months so there is a Threshold Of Awesomeness beyond which the schedule has no sway. My rational, GTD approach to the heart has been tossed into the bin at the TSA line. Who wants a meetup in Brooklyn this weekend?
posted by cgk at 10:20 PM on June 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Think about it this way: No matter how busy you are, you have to eat meals. While you're eating lunch, you can talk to people. While you're at your grocery store or favorite bookshop or whatever, you can strike up a relationship with people who work there or go there reglarly assuming enough routine. You can get to know someone while working, shopping, talking to the mailman, or whatever. Eventually you will build up rapport with that person such that "dating" would really just mean escalating to privacy. "Dating" is essentially conversation over shared activity plus sleeping together. That's it. One of those things you can do in public while you're busy with other things. Multitasking! The sleeping together part takes some planning and going out of routine though.
But yeah, in my (maybe weird and twisted) way of looking at it, if you aren't getting to know someone and flirting with them and feeling the tug to escalate to privacy, then you probably just don't have anyone attractive enough, eligible, or that you're that into, around you in your social circle, busy or not. Or they aren't constantly there enough to give you time to get to know them.
Which, yeah, is totally common and likely. But you see that it's also possible to date without even having to try at all, if an eligible person you really like keeps going to the same place as you, IE work, the same coffee place, whatever.
...I hope that made sense. Basically, it's possible to be both extremely busy and able to see the person you're into just by luck of overlapping location/routine. The more effort you have to expand via distance, time, and place and the more inconsistent your schedule is, the harder it gets. I would think travelling a lot would be the hardest limiting factor on LTRs more than just a busy schedule.
posted by Nixy at 10:30 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
But yeah, in my (maybe weird and twisted) way of looking at it, if you aren't getting to know someone and flirting with them and feeling the tug to escalate to privacy, then you probably just don't have anyone attractive enough, eligible, or that you're that into, around you in your social circle, busy or not. Or they aren't constantly there enough to give you time to get to know them.
Which, yeah, is totally common and likely. But you see that it's also possible to date without even having to try at all, if an eligible person you really like keeps going to the same place as you, IE work, the same coffee place, whatever.
...I hope that made sense. Basically, it's possible to be both extremely busy and able to see the person you're into just by luck of overlapping location/routine. The more effort you have to expand via distance, time, and place and the more inconsistent your schedule is, the harder it gets. I would think travelling a lot would be the hardest limiting factor on LTRs more than just a busy schedule.
posted by Nixy at 10:30 PM on June 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Of course you can - sometimes other responsibilities and circumstances far outway the ability to successfully date - even with (and particularly with) someone you really like.
posted by mleigh at 11:08 PM on June 25, 2011
posted by mleigh at 11:08 PM on June 25, 2011
Yes, you certainly can be. I think it's more common with men than with women. If you're at the point in your life in which you're investing all your time and energy into establishing yourself in some way, relationships can easily fall to the bottom of your mental priorities list. Relationships are very distracting for many people. I wouldn't want to enter into one with someone very special if I was about to begin my year of preparing for the bar, for example. If it's meant to be, you'll find that special person again when you're out of that phase in your life,ready to devote the proper attention to a budding relationship.
posted by sunnychef88 at 11:12 PM on June 25, 2011
posted by sunnychef88 at 11:12 PM on June 25, 2011
Yes. Dating can be a huge mental, emotional, and time suck. For some people, it isn't, but yeah, unless you've created the infrastructure, like a dating profile all set up or other way to meet potential dates that takes very little maintenance, and unless you've figured out how to have it all feel like no big deal (kind of impossible, I think), then yeah, you really can be too busy.
posted by salvia at 11:40 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 11:40 PM on June 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
For a while in my mid-twenties, I had 2 full time jobs (one day, one third shift), a weekend job, and was going to night school 2 nights a week. Hell, I was too busy to stay married, much less date.
posted by paulsc at 12:42 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by paulsc at 12:42 AM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's 'date' like 'go out looking for people' in which case, clearly yes - all the people who give examples of eighty-hour work weeks, single-parenting, etc. are pointing to that, being so busy that there's just not mental space for another priority. But there's also 'go on dates with one special person' and most people are going to give that somewhat higher priority ranking. It's still true that 'too busy to X' means 'not willing to give up one of the other things on my schedule in favor of X', but some of the divergent responses here are coming from that distinction.
posted by Lady Li at 1:23 AM on June 26, 2011
posted by Lady Li at 1:23 AM on June 26, 2011
It depends on the person. I've been in a relationship where I only saw the person once a week because we were both that busy, and neither of us had a problem with it so it was fine. Other times if I'd only been able to hang out once a week it's likely it wouldn't have worked out.
IMO, if you want to date, date. The people who'd like to see you more often will weed themselves out and you'll end up dating people who are either as busy as you are or don't mind your busyness.
posted by biochemist at 1:42 AM on June 26, 2011
IMO, if you want to date, date. The people who'd like to see you more often will weed themselves out and you'll end up dating people who are either as busy as you are or don't mind your busyness.
posted by biochemist at 1:42 AM on June 26, 2011
Yes you can, and ideally, as biochemist says, people who need to see you more will bow out. Except for, hypothetically, people who really like you. Attraction is a strange beast. I would not be worried about being busy, I'd worry like hell about the person's unavailability and intimacy issues. Busy does not equal avoidant. Busy, dedicated is good, avoidant is loaded with crap and rollercoasters. And from life practice, avoidants and "clingy" are like bees and honey; but wait, it gets much worse: avoidants seemingly cannot hit it off with their equals - other avoidants, just because there is no longer-term spark there.
Let's be blunt. Which is it? Busy, or avoidant?
posted by Jurate at 3:08 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Let's be blunt. Which is it? Busy, or avoidant?
posted by Jurate at 3:08 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yes, of course. 'If you really like someone you'll make time' doesn't mean much when 'really like' means you've met them a couple of times and think they're nice enough, and 'making time' would involve, say, giving up one of the jobs you need to pay the rent. There have absolutely been times in my life (juggling the final year of my PhD with three part-time jobs, for example) when I didn't have the time or the physical/emotional energy to get involved with anyone.
That said, I'm not sure it's the kind of thing that should weigh into your decisions when it comes to what other people are telling you. If they're genuinely too busy, then oh well, it's not going to work, move on to the next one; if they're using it as a blowoff, then oh well, it's not going to work, move on to the next one. When there's no disadvantage to taking it at face value, I don't see the benefit in those websites' suggestion to filter it through an additional Just Not That Into You layer.
posted by Catseye at 5:27 AM on June 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
That said, I'm not sure it's the kind of thing that should weigh into your decisions when it comes to what other people are telling you. If they're genuinely too busy, then oh well, it's not going to work, move on to the next one; if they're using it as a blowoff, then oh well, it's not going to work, move on to the next one. When there's no disadvantage to taking it at face value, I don't see the benefit in those websites' suggestion to filter it through an additional Just Not That Into You layer.
posted by Catseye at 5:27 AM on June 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
Too busy to date around and meet new people? Of course. I've largely stopped doing that lately because I just don't have time. Scheduling anything on a weeknight is out, because I've been working long days and weird hours, and even if I can find a block of time, I'd rather be at home vegging out. Weekends are out because I've shifted my entire social life and all of my errands in that direction. I just don't want to go meet strangers off the internet (or speed date, or be set up, or whatever) more than I want to do laundry or watch Netflix or see people I already know and care about.
But to date, in the sense of being in the process of a relationship? "Not having time" to date one particular person? Yeah, not really. In the past when I've been in a relationship and also had a lot of other constraints on my time, I've made it work.
posted by Sara C. at 7:03 AM on June 26, 2011
But to date, in the sense of being in the process of a relationship? "Not having time" to date one particular person? Yeah, not really. In the past when I've been in a relationship and also had a lot of other constraints on my time, I've made it work.
posted by Sara C. at 7:03 AM on June 26, 2011
Of course you can be too busy to date. I think a lot of people saying "no, you can never be too busy to date" have their privilege blinkers on.
Everyone has the same amount of time to spend, so "I don't have time" ultimately means "Other things are more important to me." This does not necessarily mean dating is not something the person would want to do.
Per Brian Puccio, above, if you are poor, then working multiple jobs to keep paying the rent and getting food on the table is going to be more important than dating. If you are a parent, then spending an adequate amount of time with your children is going to be more important. If you have a health problem, getting adequate amounts of rest or treatment will be more important. If you are under a lot of stress or experiencing a lot of drama (legal, family, interpersonal), minimizing the potential for new vectors of stress or drama will be more important.
These combinations can stack, too, so that someone who is working crazy hours to pay the rent and has parents whose marriage is falling apart and just wants to spend that precious free hour watching TV with their kids before they get five hours of sleep and start it over again... That person might be too overwhelmed to add one more damn thing.
That's not to say that's the situation your would-be sweetie is in, OP. But to say "dating is always possible" is just plain not true.
posted by Andrhia at 7:20 AM on June 26, 2011 [10 favorites]
Everyone has the same amount of time to spend, so "I don't have time" ultimately means "Other things are more important to me." This does not necessarily mean dating is not something the person would want to do.
Per Brian Puccio, above, if you are poor, then working multiple jobs to keep paying the rent and getting food on the table is going to be more important than dating. If you are a parent, then spending an adequate amount of time with your children is going to be more important. If you have a health problem, getting adequate amounts of rest or treatment will be more important. If you are under a lot of stress or experiencing a lot of drama (legal, family, interpersonal), minimizing the potential for new vectors of stress or drama will be more important.
These combinations can stack, too, so that someone who is working crazy hours to pay the rent and has parents whose marriage is falling apart and just wants to spend that precious free hour watching TV with their kids before they get five hours of sleep and start it over again... That person might be too overwhelmed to add one more damn thing.
That's not to say that's the situation your would-be sweetie is in, OP. But to say "dating is always possible" is just plain not true.
posted by Andrhia at 7:20 AM on June 26, 2011 [10 favorites]
Everything takes emotional energy. Sometimes life is such that you have no head space for something that requires a lot of giving and a lot of emotional risk. Even casual dating requires a person to be open and sometimes there's so much else going on (a sick parent, a stressful job, a new compelling hobby, a recent trauma) that a person just cannot be open. It's not really that every hour of your week is scheduled and you're "too busy"--it's more that all your personal resources are committed to other needs and you're "too busy".
posted by crush-onastick at 8:04 AM on June 26, 2011
posted by crush-onastick at 8:04 AM on June 26, 2011
Right now, I am not too busy to date. I am, however, too busy to date people who aren't willing to totally rearrange their schedules in order to be available when and where I have spare time on short notice.
Yes, I have to eat and sleep, and I watch the occasional movie. But unless you can drop everything and come to the deli near my office to eat lunch for 20 minutes when I catch a moment to grab a sandwich, then immediately leave so I can get back to work, lunch isn't happening. And unless you agree to come over to my house when I get home from work, the timing of which varies wildly from night to night but is almost always after 9 pm, and fall asleep together watching a movie on my couch, it's unlikely that we're going to watch a movie or go to bed together. If you wanted to race over right now to have brunch, I could stop typing this comment and give you about 90 minutes of my time.
Most people are, understandably, unable or unwilling to be available exactly when I need them to be. Most people are understandably going to get upset that I'm pretty much never available to spend time with them except on my terms. And it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask these things of new people who don't even know yet whether or not they like me, much less whether they want to rearrange their lives to fit into mine. So no, I'm not too busy to date. But I am too busy to date someone who has a life and interests and a schedule of their own, and I wouldn't really want to date someone who didn't.
posted by decathecting at 8:16 AM on June 26, 2011 [10 favorites]
Yes, I have to eat and sleep, and I watch the occasional movie. But unless you can drop everything and come to the deli near my office to eat lunch for 20 minutes when I catch a moment to grab a sandwich, then immediately leave so I can get back to work, lunch isn't happening. And unless you agree to come over to my house when I get home from work, the timing of which varies wildly from night to night but is almost always after 9 pm, and fall asleep together watching a movie on my couch, it's unlikely that we're going to watch a movie or go to bed together. If you wanted to race over right now to have brunch, I could stop typing this comment and give you about 90 minutes of my time.
Most people are, understandably, unable or unwilling to be available exactly when I need them to be. Most people are understandably going to get upset that I'm pretty much never available to spend time with them except on my terms. And it would be completely unreasonable of me to ask these things of new people who don't even know yet whether or not they like me, much less whether they want to rearrange their lives to fit into mine. So no, I'm not too busy to date. But I am too busy to date someone who has a life and interests and a schedule of their own, and I wouldn't really want to date someone who didn't.
posted by decathecting at 8:16 AM on June 26, 2011 [10 favorites]
Yeah, when I met my boyfriend he was in the middle of getting his MBA, working full time, and starting a company in his "spare time." Like decathecting says, unless I was ready and willing to just show up when he was available, we never would have been able to date.
posted by magnetsphere at 9:36 AM on June 26, 2011
posted by magnetsphere at 9:36 AM on June 26, 2011
decathecting: Clearly you need a 2-minute date like they did on How I Met Your Mother...
I think "too busy to date" is usually supposed to be a code for "I'm not that interested in you." (Would they suddenly be back if their schedule freed up? Probably not.) And you should usually take it as such, realize there's no hope, and move on. But really, it depends on how you met them in the first place. If you are genuinely too busy to date, then I hope to god you're not on match.com checking your profile and flirting with girls in the supermarket and generally putting out your worm on the hook. (Hee.) If you're that busy, you're probably not out doing things to Meet People in the first place.
Now, if it's someone you met in a non-dating context and they really do seem too busy, that can happen. But I do think most of the time it's another version of "It's not you, it's me."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:52 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
I think "too busy to date" is usually supposed to be a code for "I'm not that interested in you." (Would they suddenly be back if their schedule freed up? Probably not.) And you should usually take it as such, realize there's no hope, and move on. But really, it depends on how you met them in the first place. If you are genuinely too busy to date, then I hope to god you're not on match.com checking your profile and flirting with girls in the supermarket and generally putting out your worm on the hook. (Hee.) If you're that busy, you're probably not out doing things to Meet People in the first place.
Now, if it's someone you met in a non-dating context and they really do seem too busy, that can happen. But I do think most of the time it's another version of "It's not you, it's me."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:52 AM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another thought: this is also one of the lines I through to well-meaning-but-infuriating friends and family members who are constantly trying to fix me up because they think that there's something wrong with a happily single woman who's not seeking somebody.
posted by smirkette at 11:00 AM on June 26, 2011
posted by smirkette at 11:00 AM on June 26, 2011
I had a 5-month stretch where there is no way I could have dated. I worked anywhere from 80 to well over 100 hours every week. I worked nights and weekends, with a total of I think 3 days off the entire time. For the first month or so I could take lunch breaks, but for the rest of the time I ate of all my meals in the office. I got home every night well after everyone else I knew was asleep. I went out to a bar exactly once. Not only did I not have any time, but I didn't have the emotional energy to do anything else, given that I was thisclose to a nervous breakdown.
My tale of political campaign worker woe aside, Andhria makes a good point that people with multiple jobs, kids, health problems etc. may have to sustain hellish schedules and high stress-levels more long-term. So yes, I am pretty confident that it is possible.
posted by naoko at 4:02 PM on June 26, 2011
My tale of political campaign worker woe aside, Andhria makes a good point that people with multiple jobs, kids, health problems etc. may have to sustain hellish schedules and high stress-levels more long-term. So yes, I am pretty confident that it is possible.
posted by naoko at 4:02 PM on June 26, 2011
Sometimes things just pile up. Even though I have no real responsibilities, the things I need to do this week are so hectic that I pretty much couldn't make time for dating. Usually, though:
Yes, but if you're asking about a specific person, then the best thing to do is assume they're not into you and move on. Better than wasting time fretting about someone who is either lying to you, too busy to date, or simply unwilling to date you.
This is true.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 6:30 PM on June 26, 2011
Yes, but if you're asking about a specific person, then the best thing to do is assume they're not into you and move on. Better than wasting time fretting about someone who is either lying to you, too busy to date, or simply unwilling to date you.
This is true.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 6:30 PM on June 26, 2011
No, you can't be too busy to see someone who is important to you if you really want to.
Apollo astronauts and US Presidents have all had wives and mistresses. If they can find the time so can you.
posted by Ookseer at 6:44 PM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Apollo astronauts and US Presidents have all had wives and mistresses. If they can find the time so can you.
posted by Ookseer at 6:44 PM on June 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sure, but the end result is the same so it doesn't really matter whether it's an excuse or whether it's true.
posted by whoaali at 9:21 PM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 9:21 PM on June 26, 2011 [2 favorites]
People who say they have no time for anyone else probably have problems.
posted by tarvuz at 4:35 AM on June 27, 2011
posted by tarvuz at 4:35 AM on June 27, 2011
Yes. My last relationship was with BigLaw guy. We started dating right before he started his new job. We hit it off instantly and things went really well for awhile, but his job made our "honeymoon" phase really short. When someone works every single day, 12 hours a day, it's difficult to date.
I was the one who felt like he was "too busy to date." It's frustrating to never be able to make plans to even go out to eat because the other person never knows how long (s)he'll have to work. Plus, I've noticed that people who work really long hours end up feeling sick most of the time such that they can't go out even when they have free time.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:51 AM on June 27, 2011
I was the one who felt like he was "too busy to date." It's frustrating to never be able to make plans to even go out to eat because the other person never knows how long (s)he'll have to work. Plus, I've noticed that people who work really long hours end up feeling sick most of the time such that they can't go out even when they have free time.
posted by parakeetdog at 10:51 AM on June 27, 2011
Yes you can. I moved to a new town for the first time in my life after years of having very little social interaction and trying to start a new phase in my life. I still didn't know what I was going to college to study for and I was 25. Suddenly I got a huge crush on my roommate. I get attached easily, so I wasn't going to jump into something without having any friends in town and entering into such a new phase in my life. It would have psychologically screwed me up.
posted by eq21 at 5:41 PM on February 28, 2012
posted by eq21 at 5:41 PM on February 28, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
If it's a priority, you make the time.
posted by notsnot at 8:27 PM on June 25, 2011 [2 favorites]