How do I remain sane about my appearance?
June 20, 2011 10:21 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with issues of family/society and weight/body acceptance?
I'm an early-30's female who has what I believe to be a good, healthy body- I used to be heavier, but over the past couple years I got into eating better and exercising regularly and though I don't weigh myself, I think I'm around a size that is natural and healthy for me. Also I think I look pretty good (most of the time).
My issue is how to deal with being so sensitive to family's comments and issues, especially my dad's. My dad is very centered around his own weight and appearance. He's constantly dieting and has never been overweight, to my eyes (his father and sister are/were obese, however). In general he's very nice and has never, ever made comments disparaging my appearance. But I know that he really pays close attention to peoples' weight and size. If I lose weight he will usually comment on it. He's constantly talking about his own diets and how much weight he has lost. He told my more petite, thinner sister that she looks "gorgeous" (sometimes he tells me I look good too, but not "gorgeous".) He even asked my sister how much she weighed the other night at dinner.
I know he's not that bad but his constant talk bothers me. I always feel that he only thinks people look good unless they are really thin, which I am not. And most of the time I think I don't really want to be- I have a large behind and large chest, and I wear around a size 12, and I think my body is attractive and I feel good for being fitter than I was before (my dad, by the way, is not too big on exercise).
But I feel bad when he doesn't make comments about me looking good as often, or when he talks about dieting, or weight. It makes me depressed and feel like I don't want to be around him as much. I don't want to succumb to pressure to lose more weight because I don't think it's realistic for me to get really skinny and keep it off for the rest of my life. I just want to be healthy. It seems that a fair number of men find me attractive. yet my dad's opinion affects me so much.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice about loving your body despite what family, or even society says. Influence of family. Being able to shrug off that kind of critical (appearance-related) "stuff". any anecdotes, experiences, or general insight is welcome!
I'm sorry, I had a bit of a hard time articulating my question. I hope it comes across clearly.
I'm an early-30's female who has what I believe to be a good, healthy body- I used to be heavier, but over the past couple years I got into eating better and exercising regularly and though I don't weigh myself, I think I'm around a size that is natural and healthy for me. Also I think I look pretty good (most of the time).
My issue is how to deal with being so sensitive to family's comments and issues, especially my dad's. My dad is very centered around his own weight and appearance. He's constantly dieting and has never been overweight, to my eyes (his father and sister are/were obese, however). In general he's very nice and has never, ever made comments disparaging my appearance. But I know that he really pays close attention to peoples' weight and size. If I lose weight he will usually comment on it. He's constantly talking about his own diets and how much weight he has lost. He told my more petite, thinner sister that she looks "gorgeous" (sometimes he tells me I look good too, but not "gorgeous".) He even asked my sister how much she weighed the other night at dinner.
I know he's not that bad but his constant talk bothers me. I always feel that he only thinks people look good unless they are really thin, which I am not. And most of the time I think I don't really want to be- I have a large behind and large chest, and I wear around a size 12, and I think my body is attractive and I feel good for being fitter than I was before (my dad, by the way, is not too big on exercise).
But I feel bad when he doesn't make comments about me looking good as often, or when he talks about dieting, or weight. It makes me depressed and feel like I don't want to be around him as much. I don't want to succumb to pressure to lose more weight because I don't think it's realistic for me to get really skinny and keep it off for the rest of my life. I just want to be healthy. It seems that a fair number of men find me attractive. yet my dad's opinion affects me so much.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice about loving your body despite what family, or even society says. Influence of family. Being able to shrug off that kind of critical (appearance-related) "stuff". any anecdotes, experiences, or general insight is welcome!
I'm sorry, I had a bit of a hard time articulating my question. I hope it comes across clearly.
You can't change your dad, but you can respond to him in ways that make it clear that you don't hold the same unhealthy fears. If he starts talking about weight, his own or someone elses, say something like "you/they seem healthy... [subject change]".
The more important thing to do is to stay strong in your sense of what's right and healthy and fit for You. You know you're attractive, that other people find you attractive... so don't let this one (admittedly influential) guy pass his neuroses on to you. Therapists can be very helpful in helping you to establish those boundaries and gain the skills needed to maintain them.
posted by ldthomps at 10:48 AM on June 20, 2011
The more important thing to do is to stay strong in your sense of what's right and healthy and fit for You. You know you're attractive, that other people find you attractive... so don't let this one (admittedly influential) guy pass his neuroses on to you. Therapists can be very helpful in helping you to establish those boundaries and gain the skills needed to maintain them.
posted by ldthomps at 10:48 AM on June 20, 2011
It sounds like weight/dieting is just your dad's 'thing'. Instead of sports, or building model airplanes in the garage. I think if you start to frame it that way, you can depersonalize his comments a bit. He seems a bit obsessive about that particular issue. But that is definitely just about him. Not about you.
posted by Vaike at 10:51 AM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Vaike at 10:51 AM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try and step back, emotionally, from what your Dad is saying. Pretend it's a stranger's conversation that you are overhearing. Wouldn't you assume that this stranger has a serious problem with weight issues? I know that our society deems eating disorders as a female issue, but men can be obsessed with it as well. Think of it as his problem, not yours.
My weight story is very similar to yours, I began eating better and lost weight, but I'm by no means skinny - and I like it that way! I feel really, really good about my body, I feel strong and like I'm at the weight I should be. I am planning on more regular exercise, because I'd like to build my muscle mass as I am in my 40's and will need that strength as I start going through menopause, but any "attractiveness" will be a side effect of that, not my main goal.
I think the best you can do is steer the conversation to another topic when your Dad starts going on about weight and eating. And perhaps check in with your sister, and make sure she's ok about his comments. It's equally upsetting and frustrating when you are being praised for being "skinny", she may want to vent to someone who understands.
posted by lootie777 at 10:56 AM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
My weight story is very similar to yours, I began eating better and lost weight, but I'm by no means skinny - and I like it that way! I feel really, really good about my body, I feel strong and like I'm at the weight I should be. I am planning on more regular exercise, because I'd like to build my muscle mass as I am in my 40's and will need that strength as I start going through menopause, but any "attractiveness" will be a side effect of that, not my main goal.
I think the best you can do is steer the conversation to another topic when your Dad starts going on about weight and eating. And perhaps check in with your sister, and make sure she's ok about his comments. It's equally upsetting and frustrating when you are being praised for being "skinny", she may want to vent to someone who understands.
posted by lootie777 at 10:56 AM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Seconding Leezie's comments about being your own cheerleader. I have the same issue but in reverse with my family. They are constantly hassling me because they feel I'm too skinny, even though I'm height/weight proportionate.
When the lectures and the comments start I just go to a "happy place" in my head until the subject is changed. I have made it clear that comments about my weight are unacceptable and they have lessened, but they never stop.
I know that my size is not unusual, that I don't have an eating disorder, etc. so I just remind myself that the conversation will be over soon.
posted by jacindahb at 11:21 AM on June 20, 2011
When the lectures and the comments start I just go to a "happy place" in my head until the subject is changed. I have made it clear that comments about my weight are unacceptable and they have lessened, but they never stop.
I know that my size is not unusual, that I don't have an eating disorder, etc. so I just remind myself that the conversation will be over soon.
posted by jacindahb at 11:21 AM on June 20, 2011
I think for your dad, it is important to realize that his comments about weight and appearance are really about his insecurities about his weight and appearance, not yours.
So, when he raises these issues he's talking about his own issues, not you. In general, you do not wish to be involved with conversations about your body which are not actually *about you*, and you do not wish to make judgements about your own body based on conversations which are not actually *about you or your health and well-being*.
Keep these in mind when your dad raises these issues and, as recommended above, you should move to change the topic of conversation to something else. Pretend that instead of talking about body issues, that he is actually talking about some esoteric personal interest he has (in your head, make up one, like maybe 'antique toothbrushes'), so that you can make it easier to change the topic easily.
It also follows that because of your dad's (or other family members') insecurities and unhealthy beliefs, it should be clear that you should never be the one to raise any of these issues with them.
posted by kch at 11:23 AM on June 20, 2011
So, when he raises these issues he's talking about his own issues, not you. In general, you do not wish to be involved with conversations about your body which are not actually *about you*, and you do not wish to make judgements about your own body based on conversations which are not actually *about you or your health and well-being*.
Keep these in mind when your dad raises these issues and, as recommended above, you should move to change the topic of conversation to something else. Pretend that instead of talking about body issues, that he is actually talking about some esoteric personal interest he has (in your head, make up one, like maybe 'antique toothbrushes'), so that you can make it easier to change the topic easily.
It also follows that because of your dad's (or other family members') insecurities and unhealthy beliefs, it should be clear that you should never be the one to raise any of these issues with them.
posted by kch at 11:23 AM on June 20, 2011
As a 31-year old, female endurance athlete, who is single and recently back on the market, I can sympathize. When I go on dates and tell them that I'm doing 7 marathons and a half ironman in 2011 (yes, this year and this year alone) I get odd looks and then know that they're looking at my body, because "society" has told these guys that I should be short, petite and weigh 90 pounds. Nope, I'm 5'9" and 150. Sure, I struggle with my body not being a "typical marathoner's body" but you know what? If my body can crank out that type of accomplishment, then maybe I *do* have a marathoner's body.
Anyway, my point is that most people tend to just go with what they know, and sadly, what they know is that "healthy" women are supposed to be thin as per the media. Sure, you could probably diet yourself down to a thinner weight but would you feel healthy? Is it worth feeling less than healthy? Didn't think so. People need to wake up and realize that people and bodies are not one-size-fits all.
It does sound like you've adopted a healthy mentality though, and I'd focus on that and be proud of that. We can easily change our bodies through diet and exercise but having the sound way of healthy thinking about it is much more difficult in my opinion. As for feeling bad about how you look, just remind yourself of what your body can do and not how it looks. There are plenty of things in this crazy world that look amazing but perform poorly. People need to get over the shiny things because sometimes it's just tinfoil and not titanium.
posted by floweredfish at 11:25 AM on June 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Anyway, my point is that most people tend to just go with what they know, and sadly, what they know is that "healthy" women are supposed to be thin as per the media. Sure, you could probably diet yourself down to a thinner weight but would you feel healthy? Is it worth feeling less than healthy? Didn't think so. People need to wake up and realize that people and bodies are not one-size-fits all.
It does sound like you've adopted a healthy mentality though, and I'd focus on that and be proud of that. We can easily change our bodies through diet and exercise but having the sound way of healthy thinking about it is much more difficult in my opinion. As for feeling bad about how you look, just remind yourself of what your body can do and not how it looks. There are plenty of things in this crazy world that look amazing but perform poorly. People need to get over the shiny things because sometimes it's just tinfoil and not titanium.
posted by floweredfish at 11:25 AM on June 20, 2011 [2 favorites]
Can you lay this out for him? I've had a couple of conversations with my parents in which I said (once angrily, once calmly) "Mom, dad, this thing you're saying is really upsetting and painful to me for [REASON]. It makes me feel like you think I'm not good enough/don't trust me to make my own choices [and more like this]". In both instances, the remarks stopped, because my parents don't want to make me feel bad and will certainly not keep on saying stuff that hurts me when it's brought to their attention. They may still be thinking that I make terrible choices (sometimes I feel bad because of what I think they think) but they no longer say anything to me. So at the very least, I'm no longer reminded of their opinions.
posted by Frowner at 11:37 AM on June 20, 2011
posted by Frowner at 11:37 AM on June 20, 2011
One way is to bring a mental list of new topics. Let the weight comments pass by without comment, but introduce a new subject. "Hey, did you see that Golf Final; wow, that hole-in-1 was amazing!" Make it a dad-friendly, but not weight-based subject.
Once in a while, when he reverts back to the subject, gently tease him. "There you go again, Dad, worrying about someone's weight." but try to combine it with a loving, weight-positive message "You know, Dad, as long as your heart is healthy, I think you're exactly the right size. Let's go for a walk and you can tell me about when you were a wrestler in high school"
posted by theora55 at 2:11 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
Once in a while, when he reverts back to the subject, gently tease him. "There you go again, Dad, worrying about someone's weight." but try to combine it with a loving, weight-positive message "You know, Dad, as long as your heart is healthy, I think you're exactly the right size. Let's go for a walk and you can tell me about when you were a wrestler in high school"
posted by theora55 at 2:11 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
My issue is how to deal with being so sensitive to family's comments and issues, especially my dad's. My dad is very centered around his own weight and appearance. He's constantly dieting and has never been overweight, to my eyes (his father and sister are/were obese, however). In general he's very nice and has never, ever made comments disparaging my appearance. But I know that he really pays close attention to peoples' weight and size. If I lose weight he will usually comment on it. He's constantly talking about his own diets and how much weight he has lost. He told my more petite, thinner sister that she looks "gorgeous" (sometimes he tells me I look good too, but not "gorgeous".) He even asked my sister how much she weighed the other night at dinner.
This sounds like his behavior is really nothing to do with you, and is all about his own self-esteem issues. Meanwhile, you seem to be reading a lot into his word choices.
It's totally normal to still tend to look to your parents for approval, but remember that you're all adults now -- he's no longer in charge of your well-being, and you don't need him to be. (And at some point, parents should back off from asking their grown children questions that would be rude to ask of any other close family member.)
posted by desuetude at 2:34 PM on June 20, 2011
This sounds like his behavior is really nothing to do with you, and is all about his own self-esteem issues. Meanwhile, you seem to be reading a lot into his word choices.
It's totally normal to still tend to look to your parents for approval, but remember that you're all adults now -- he's no longer in charge of your well-being, and you don't need him to be. (And at some point, parents should back off from asking their grown children questions that would be rude to ask of any other close family member.)
posted by desuetude at 2:34 PM on June 20, 2011
This post sounds like something I would write. My parents are the same way. They are very image conscious...both of them lost weight, very disciplined, etc. I, on the other hand, am constantly struggling with weight. What I have learned, and continue to tell myself is that what matters is how I think of myself, and if I want to make the change.
While trying to have an honest conversation with your dad about your feelings might be a good idea, if your parents are any similar to mine, they'll throw guilt trip or say they are saying those things because they care. This does not, however, have a positive impact on you, but a negative one. For this reason, you need to distance yourself from the negativity. You cannot change others, even your family, no matter how you much you love them, and try seek their approval. If you feel that your dependence on their approval is having a negative impact on you, I would suggest that you keep your distance, physical, if you can't accomplish emotional distance just yet, in order to keep your sanity. You should not be around negative talk that brings you down, even if it's your loving dad saying it. In the end, the negative talk, especially from parents, will have a stronger impact and do lasting damage than if you had heard it from a total stranger.
It's impossible to only hear good things about yourself, and you expect your parents to want the best for you, which means give you feedback on ways to improve yourself and your life, and you depend on their opinion, as their life experience is valuable. But because your parents are also human beings, they are imperfect, and may not know when to stop unsolicited opinions that potentially harm their children. After a certain age, it's your decision to make, even if you make bad ones, as desuetude said, parents need to back off at a certain point.
You can still visit them, and call them, and control how much contact you have with the negative talk. But if your 'talk' with your parents, doesn't produce a positive result, for your sake, make a conscious effort to put a distance between you and that negativity. Good luck.
posted by icollectpurses at 3:38 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
While trying to have an honest conversation with your dad about your feelings might be a good idea, if your parents are any similar to mine, they'll throw guilt trip or say they are saying those things because they care. This does not, however, have a positive impact on you, but a negative one. For this reason, you need to distance yourself from the negativity. You cannot change others, even your family, no matter how you much you love them, and try seek their approval. If you feel that your dependence on their approval is having a negative impact on you, I would suggest that you keep your distance, physical, if you can't accomplish emotional distance just yet, in order to keep your sanity. You should not be around negative talk that brings you down, even if it's your loving dad saying it. In the end, the negative talk, especially from parents, will have a stronger impact and do lasting damage than if you had heard it from a total stranger.
It's impossible to only hear good things about yourself, and you expect your parents to want the best for you, which means give you feedback on ways to improve yourself and your life, and you depend on their opinion, as their life experience is valuable. But because your parents are also human beings, they are imperfect, and may not know when to stop unsolicited opinions that potentially harm their children. After a certain age, it's your decision to make, even if you make bad ones, as desuetude said, parents need to back off at a certain point.
You can still visit them, and call them, and control how much contact you have with the negative talk. But if your 'talk' with your parents, doesn't produce a positive result, for your sake, make a conscious effort to put a distance between you and that negativity. Good luck.
posted by icollectpurses at 3:38 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm fat, but I am also fit, so I don't stress about it. It does often seem to me that many people talk about weight loss like they talk about the weather. I used to take it personally, like these people were hinting that I was too fat to live, but now I just tune it out. I ultimately decided that most folks who wanted to talk about weight loss with me felt bad about themselves, and barely even registered that I am a big girl. Really, many people see joint commiseration about weight struggles as a friendly, neutral topic, despite how loaded these conversations can become, and with little realization of how dull it is. My strategies are: silence, bored look, change the topic.
posted by Malla at 3:39 PM on June 20, 2011
posted by Malla at 3:39 PM on June 20, 2011
I agree with icollectpurses.
I consider your dad's comments to be a very passive-aggressive way of commenting about your weight. You're very kindly giving him the benefit of the doubt, but any rational person (which it sounds like your father is) knows that to call a slender daughter gorgeous while withholding such a comment from a slightly larger daughter, who is present for the conversation, is hurtful. He has too much sense to say something direct to you about your weight, but it probably bothers him, so he's using this sneaky, backhanded way of commenting on your weight. So, yes, I think what he is doing is probably intentional, and it is an awful thing for him to do.
I think you should confront him about these comments. Let him know exactly what you have told us.
And like icollectpurses suggests, if it doesn't change, distance yourself from him.
posted by jayder at 4:03 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I consider your dad's comments to be a very passive-aggressive way of commenting about your weight. You're very kindly giving him the benefit of the doubt, but any rational person (which it sounds like your father is) knows that to call a slender daughter gorgeous while withholding such a comment from a slightly larger daughter, who is present for the conversation, is hurtful. He has too much sense to say something direct to you about your weight, but it probably bothers him, so he's using this sneaky, backhanded way of commenting on your weight. So, yes, I think what he is doing is probably intentional, and it is an awful thing for him to do.
I think you should confront him about these comments. Let him know exactly what you have told us.
And like icollectpurses suggests, if it doesn't change, distance yourself from him.
posted by jayder at 4:03 PM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm on the side of "this is all about him, he's not *trying* to hurt you." Your dad sounds a lot like my mom, who does similar stuff, though maybe she's not quite so bad. She came to visit me for the weekend and topics of conversation included 1) how good I looked since I had lost weight; 2) how happy she was that *she* had lost weight; 3) the relative floppiness of her arms, my arms, and my sister's arms, with predictions about the future floppiness of my and my sister's arms; 4) various dietary and exercise-related strategies for weight loss and maintenance; and 5) the fact that I have a nice (small) ass. Except for my sweet ass, all of these things were discussed multiple times over a 36-hour period.
I used to find some of this stuff hurtful, but now I find it more irritating than anything, and honestly it just kind of fades into the background. This is stuff my mom thinks about a lot; it takes up a lot of her mental energy. I think Vaike is on to something in comparing it to a hobby, except of course it's a more sensitive topic. Feeling judged against your slimmer sister is particularly hurtful, but maybe you can imagine that if both your sister and your dad were super-into restoring old cars or something, he would give her more attention over that, too.
This is just a way of thinking about it that I'm currently finding useful; there was also a time when I found it useful to put a lot of distance between myself and my mother (though that was not over weight comments). If you can get emotional distance from the topics that bother you, that's great, and if you have to take some temporal and physical distance from your father in general, there's nothing wrong with that either.
posted by mskyle at 6:10 PM on June 20, 2011
I used to find some of this stuff hurtful, but now I find it more irritating than anything, and honestly it just kind of fades into the background. This is stuff my mom thinks about a lot; it takes up a lot of her mental energy. I think Vaike is on to something in comparing it to a hobby, except of course it's a more sensitive topic. Feeling judged against your slimmer sister is particularly hurtful, but maybe you can imagine that if both your sister and your dad were super-into restoring old cars or something, he would give her more attention over that, too.
This is just a way of thinking about it that I'm currently finding useful; there was also a time when I found it useful to put a lot of distance between myself and my mother (though that was not over weight comments). If you can get emotional distance from the topics that bother you, that's great, and if you have to take some temporal and physical distance from your father in general, there's nothing wrong with that either.
posted by mskyle at 6:10 PM on June 20, 2011
So, your father has an eating disorder. As such, he's just not a reliable source of information about weight in general. If he were an alcoholic, would you listen to him about how much you should be drinking? If he were a gambling addict, would you ask his advice about playing blackjack? He's addicted to dieting and obsessing about weight. Treat that the same way you would treat another addiction, and don't trust his judgement.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:41 AM on June 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:41 AM on June 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
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Also, I think for your dad, it is important to realize that his comments about weight and appearance are really about his insecurities about his weight and appearance, not yours. This is his problem that you are trying to make into yours. Would it be nice if he accepted you no matter how you look? Absolutely. But, he has an issue with weight and so he's not going to be able to give that to you. You are going to have be the one to provide it to yourself - and you are already doing that.
posted by Leezie at 10:40 AM on June 20, 2011 [1 favorite]