Is there something psychologically wrong with my roommate? Either way, how to deal?
June 7, 2011 8:13 PM Subscribe
I have a roommate who has a number of personality traits I find inexplicable, frustrating and some, somewhat disturbing. Lying, being unreliable, being disingenuous to an extent as to almost be manipulative. Help me live with this person better and understand him.
I have been rooming with this person for a couple months, and don't have a lot of time left with him, but I find him very difficult to deal with. I don't know whether I am very inflexible, or whether there is something wrong with him. Regardless, the approaches I've tried aren't working and I am looking for advice.
Here are some of the things about him that trouble me:
1. He has little regard for others' property or personal space. He would take things like food, or wear others' shoes without asking. He would do this even after politely being told not to. I am talking about specific items he's been told about, so he can't say he wasn't aware he wasn't supposed to take *that* thing or the other. He would also enter the other roommates' rooms without notice. Most disturbingly, he would take my pets to his room, when I've repeatedly told him not to, and that I want them to have access to the common area in our house. (If he wants to interact with them, he is perfectly able to do that in common areas).
2. In cases such as the above, or in other cases, he has lied when confronted.
3. Related to the above, oftentimes I would have an issue with something he does and talk to him about it. He would be pleasant and agree to stop the behavior, only to continue doing it as if we never talked. The next time I talk to him, he would pleasantly agree again, and so on.
4. He is unreliable: he starts things like cleaning only to leave them mid-way. He doesn't keep promises. He doesn't take responsibility about things in the house, like buying common supplies, or taking out the trash. Everything has to be told to him explicitly, and even after that, he either doesn't do it, or does it once and then has to be told again.
5. As far as I can tell his behavior is disingenuous. He would "display" emotions in words. I don't know how else to better explain this. I don't know whether he is simply socially awkward or anti-social.
Some other things that I don't so much take issue with, but would find troubling if he was someone I was close to:
- He smokes marijuana every day, several times a day.
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
To summarize, I am worried about the lying and the seemingly manipulative behavior in 1, 2 and 3 above combined. If he is not deliberately manipulative, he clearly has significant issues with following through on trivial things.
I can't figure out whether this is someone who is drifting, and having a hard time, or if there is something more to it. I am looking for a couple things in posting this:
1. Tips on how to better interact with him, since politely talking to him about issues doesn't seem to have much effect.
2. Insight into his personality. I am curious of others' experience with similar people and how things developed. I think having a better understanding of him will help me approach him more productively, since this is getting more frustrating every day.
I have been rooming with this person for a couple months, and don't have a lot of time left with him, but I find him very difficult to deal with. I don't know whether I am very inflexible, or whether there is something wrong with him. Regardless, the approaches I've tried aren't working and I am looking for advice.
Here are some of the things about him that trouble me:
1. He has little regard for others' property or personal space. He would take things like food, or wear others' shoes without asking. He would do this even after politely being told not to. I am talking about specific items he's been told about, so he can't say he wasn't aware he wasn't supposed to take *that* thing or the other. He would also enter the other roommates' rooms without notice. Most disturbingly, he would take my pets to his room, when I've repeatedly told him not to, and that I want them to have access to the common area in our house. (If he wants to interact with them, he is perfectly able to do that in common areas).
2. In cases such as the above, or in other cases, he has lied when confronted.
3. Related to the above, oftentimes I would have an issue with something he does and talk to him about it. He would be pleasant and agree to stop the behavior, only to continue doing it as if we never talked. The next time I talk to him, he would pleasantly agree again, and so on.
4. He is unreliable: he starts things like cleaning only to leave them mid-way. He doesn't keep promises. He doesn't take responsibility about things in the house, like buying common supplies, or taking out the trash. Everything has to be told to him explicitly, and even after that, he either doesn't do it, or does it once and then has to be told again.
5. As far as I can tell his behavior is disingenuous. He would "display" emotions in words. I don't know how else to better explain this. I don't know whether he is simply socially awkward or anti-social.
Some other things that I don't so much take issue with, but would find troubling if he was someone I was close to:
- He smokes marijuana every day, several times a day.
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
To summarize, I am worried about the lying and the seemingly manipulative behavior in 1, 2 and 3 above combined. If he is not deliberately manipulative, he clearly has significant issues with following through on trivial things.
I can't figure out whether this is someone who is drifting, and having a hard time, or if there is something more to it. I am looking for a couple things in posting this:
1. Tips on how to better interact with him, since politely talking to him about issues doesn't seem to have much effect.
2. Insight into his personality. I am curious of others' experience with similar people and how things developed. I think having a better understanding of him will help me approach him more productively, since this is getting more frustrating every day.
I totally don't mean to be defeatist, but there's nothing you can do with somebody like this. Keep an eye on your stuff and don't expect much from him. He's got a crappy personality. It happens.
posted by facetious at 8:17 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by facetious at 8:17 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
If there is something wrong with him, it isn't your problem. If you're leaving this living situation soon anyway, just disengage. Keep stuff you don't want him using in your room (can you lock the door?), don't count on him for anything, basically pretend you're living alone to the greatest extent possible. It sounds like you've tried the reasonable stuff, now do what you can on your side to make it less of a problem.
Also, move as soon as you possibly can.
posted by MadamM at 8:17 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, move as soon as you possibly can.
posted by MadamM at 8:17 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know if there's much to understand, here. From your description, he sounds like your garden-variety just-scraping-by lowlife. Keep track of your stuff, don't leave out anything he could pawn, part ways and move on.
posted by mhoye at 8:18 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by mhoye at 8:18 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
he's mid-20s
You should have mentioned that earlier; he sounds more like a college freshman who's never lived outside of his parents' home.
As far as personality insights go, it sounds like he just doesn't give a shit. And why should he? There are no consequences to his actions: he wears your shoes, takes your pets, doesn't clean, doesn't change his behavior at all, ever, and what happens? Everything is just the way it was the day before (including politely being asked to change, for the sake of changing).
posted by halogen at 8:26 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
You should have mentioned that earlier; he sounds more like a college freshman who's never lived outside of his parents' home.
As far as personality insights go, it sounds like he just doesn't give a shit. And why should he? There are no consequences to his actions: he wears your shoes, takes your pets, doesn't clean, doesn't change his behavior at all, ever, and what happens? Everything is just the way it was the day before (including politely being asked to change, for the sake of changing).
posted by halogen at 8:26 PM on June 7, 2011 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Having lived with people who were effectively professional potheads, I can tell you that this behavior probably isn't going to change. He is almost certainly not trying to be a jerk, he just isn't able to remember what you talked about. Drifting away from a cleaning job is pretty classic: he might not remember what he was doing if he gets distracted. And if he's young and hasn't lived in a lot of roommate situations, he may not have much of a clue to begin with.
He could be a passive-aggressive jerk. But my best guess is that it's the weed. Many, many people are able to maintain just fine when smoking several times a day (one of my old roommates), but some people are less successful (the other old roommate).
I wouldn't live with this guy if I could help it. And I would keep the pets out of his room, just in case he happens to be one of those asshats who think it's hilarious to get animals stoned. Maybe write him a reminder and tape it to his door?
posted by corey flood at 8:36 PM on June 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
He could be a passive-aggressive jerk. But my best guess is that it's the weed. Many, many people are able to maintain just fine when smoking several times a day (one of my old roommates), but some people are less successful (the other old roommate).
I wouldn't live with this guy if I could help it. And I would keep the pets out of his room, just in case he happens to be one of those asshats who think it's hilarious to get animals stoned. Maybe write him a reminder and tape it to his door?
posted by corey flood at 8:36 PM on June 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: @halogen: Yes, I've thought before that talking to him is like talking to a teenager, except he's not one.
I am not asking him to change for the sake of it, but because his behavior bothers me. When I get back home I'd like to be able to relax in a predictable environment, and I'm not able to do that. I have no legal means to evict him, so I have to negotiate with him, and I don't know how to.
posted by adahn at 8:37 PM on June 7, 2011
I am not asking him to change for the sake of it, but because his behavior bothers me. When I get back home I'd like to be able to relax in a predictable environment, and I'm not able to do that. I have no legal means to evict him, so I have to negotiate with him, and I don't know how to.
posted by adahn at 8:37 PM on June 7, 2011
Response by poster: @corey flood
> And I would keep the pets out of his room, just in case he happens to be one of those asshats who think it's hilarious to get animals stoned.
This is mainly what I am worried about. He considers himself a lover of pets, and says he loves mine like his own. Which, after only a short time living together I find creepy. It's the one thing that gets my blood going in all this, and would be a reason not to just wait it out for another month and a half before our lease ends. Still, I haven't found my pets to behave very differently than before, but then again, I am away from home for most of the day.
posted by adahn at 8:42 PM on June 7, 2011
> And I would keep the pets out of his room, just in case he happens to be one of those asshats who think it's hilarious to get animals stoned.
This is mainly what I am worried about. He considers himself a lover of pets, and says he loves mine like his own. Which, after only a short time living together I find creepy. It's the one thing that gets my blood going in all this, and would be a reason not to just wait it out for another month and a half before our lease ends. Still, I haven't found my pets to behave very differently than before, but then again, I am away from home for most of the day.
posted by adahn at 8:42 PM on June 7, 2011
Sounds like your garden-variety stoner flake. Keep an eye on your stuff, get out as soon as you can, and for God's sake, don't let him anywhere near the bills or lend him any money.
posted by Gilbert at 8:55 PM on June 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Gilbert at 8:55 PM on June 7, 2011 [4 favorites]
Damnit, i was just going to say this is garden-variety flakiness. He sounds irresponsible, not malicious. Don't depend on him for anything, but I doubt he's going to seriously fuck with anybody in a major way.
posted by empath at 9:24 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 9:24 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: adahn, from his point of view, there is no reason to change – that's what I meant by "for the sake of changing". When it comes to you being bothered or your ability to relax, again, he just doesn't give a shit. Effectively, there is absolutely no reason for him to start acting differently, certainly not anything that would have a significant impact on his life.
posted by halogen at 9:29 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by halogen at 9:29 PM on June 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Put a lock on your door for six weeks?
posted by DarlingBri at 9:33 PM on June 7, 2011
posted by DarlingBri at 9:33 PM on June 7, 2011
In the common areas, make sure your possessions don't leave with him when the lease is up.
I've had this happen. It sucks. It's hard to keep track of all your stuff while packing or someone is moving out - take everything valuable to you and hide it.
(who cares why he's like that. just deal with the facts. he steals stuff - make sure he steals less. this includes deposit or rent he flakes on paying.)
posted by jbenben at 10:13 PM on June 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
I've had this happen. It sucks. It's hard to keep track of all your stuff while packing or someone is moving out - take everything valuable to you and hide it.
(who cares why he's like that. just deal with the facts. he steals stuff - make sure he steals less. this includes deposit or rent he flakes on paying.)
posted by jbenben at 10:13 PM on June 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
He probably looooves getting a rise out of his "uptight" roommate. He doesn't sound so much like a flaky pothead to me as an insecure yet self-important jerk who grasps at opportunities for power.
posted by desuetude at 10:23 PM on June 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by desuetude at 10:23 PM on June 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
- He smokes marijuana every day, several times a day.
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
He probably isn't very bright and he makes himself even duller by smoking lots of dope. Abandon him and that dwelling as soon as possible. Meanwhile, lock up or hide your stuff. If you're moving out soon, start moving your best shit out now if possible -- including the pets if you have family that will watch them for a couple of months.
posted by pracowity at 12:27 AM on June 8, 2011
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
He probably isn't very bright and he makes himself even duller by smoking lots of dope. Abandon him and that dwelling as soon as possible. Meanwhile, lock up or hide your stuff. If you're moving out soon, start moving your best shit out now if possible -- including the pets if you have family that will watch them for a couple of months.
posted by pracowity at 12:27 AM on June 8, 2011
I wouldn't ratchet up efforts to change him if he's alone with your pet all day. But I would get help with chores by saying "hey Bill---could you give me a hand with this?" And then hand him the garbage and say "could you take this out to the dumpster? Thanks" or "Bill, would you mind drying the dishes while I wash?" Or "hey Bill, let's straighten the living room during the commercial--could you fold that laundry while I ..." or, when you get home from work "let's vacuum the rugs sometime tonight"--worst case scenario is that he hides in his room on that one--yay!
posted by vitabellosi at 12:38 AM on June 8, 2011
posted by vitabellosi at 12:38 AM on June 8, 2011
He seems like a harmless stoner.
He smokes marijuana every day, several times a day.
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
None of this is that bad. The last one can be annoying though.
This is mainly what I am worried about. He considers himself a lover of pets, and says he loves mine like his own. Which, after only a short time living together I find creepy. It's the one thing that gets my blood going in all this, and would be a reason not to just wait it out for another month and a half before our lease ends. Still, I haven't found my pets to behave very differently than before, but then again, I am away from home for most of the day.
I'm not an animal person, but the animal people I do know will talk to and cuddle dogs they see when they're out or ask to pet other people's dogs. May he thinks he's helping by pet-setting?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 12:53 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
He smokes marijuana every day, several times a day.
- He has only held menial jobs (he's mid-20s).
- He is into new-agey spirituality and conspiracy theories.
None of this is that bad. The last one can be annoying though.
This is mainly what I am worried about. He considers himself a lover of pets, and says he loves mine like his own. Which, after only a short time living together I find creepy. It's the one thing that gets my blood going in all this, and would be a reason not to just wait it out for another month and a half before our lease ends. Still, I haven't found my pets to behave very differently than before, but then again, I am away from home for most of the day.
I'm not an animal person, but the animal people I do know will talk to and cuddle dogs they see when they're out or ask to pet other people's dogs. May he thinks he's helping by pet-setting?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 12:53 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Perhaps the pet issue is rooted less in his behavior and what he says and more in the fact that he gets to spend (apparently) a lot more time with them than you.
posted by 6550 at 1:01 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by 6550 at 1:01 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
He eats people's food, goes in their bedrooms, and wears their stuff without asking? He sounds like a selfish guy who gets away with being a jerk because people think he's flaky. I don't think there's anything psychologically wrong with him and it doesn't sound like you'll be able to get him to change is ways (the only way to do so would be to threaten to kick him out, but it sounds like either you or he is moving out soon anyways). Not much you can do but ignore him, lock your bedroom door, and keep anything you care about inside your locked bedroom. Whenever you're home and your pets are him, go and get them. Unfortunately you won't be able to keep him from doing that when you aren't home.
hey, at least you won't have to deal with him for too much longer!
posted by emd3737 at 1:29 AM on June 8, 2011
hey, at least you won't have to deal with him for too much longer!
posted by emd3737 at 1:29 AM on June 8, 2011
Some people are stoners, some people have few boundaries, some people are stoners with few boundaries.
Keep your stuff (and pets) as safe as possible until you move. He sounds more like a ditz than anything else but, no, he shouldn't be taking your pets to his room, and yes, people without boundaries have a tendency to think what's yours is theirs and take (and sell) accordingly.
posted by mleigh at 1:52 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Keep your stuff (and pets) as safe as possible until you move. He sounds more like a ditz than anything else but, no, he shouldn't be taking your pets to his room, and yes, people without boundaries have a tendency to think what's yours is theirs and take (and sell) accordingly.
posted by mleigh at 1:52 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Since you only have a month and a half to go:
1. stop restocking the kitchen/toilet paper etc. --- only purchase what YOU need, as its needed.
2. immediatly remove portable valuables (jewelry, laptops) and sentimental items --- either lock in a car trunk or stash at a friend's place.
3. perhaps rent a storage locker for a couple months, and gradually remove your stuff from the apartment.
4. can you find a friend or someone to pet-sit your critters, getting them out of your current apartment at least a week before your scheduled move?
Other than that, can you lock your room? (Locking containers alone is NOT secure --- for example, years ago my last roommate stole an entire locked footlocker when he left without warning, among several other items.)
posted by easily confused at 3:47 AM on June 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
1. stop restocking the kitchen/toilet paper etc. --- only purchase what YOU need, as its needed.
2. immediatly remove portable valuables (jewelry, laptops) and sentimental items --- either lock in a car trunk or stash at a friend's place.
3. perhaps rent a storage locker for a couple months, and gradually remove your stuff from the apartment.
4. can you find a friend or someone to pet-sit your critters, getting them out of your current apartment at least a week before your scheduled move?
Other than that, can you lock your room? (Locking containers alone is NOT secure --- for example, years ago my last roommate stole an entire locked footlocker when he left without warning, among several other items.)
posted by easily confused at 3:47 AM on June 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You can hold your breath for six weeks. Chill. Time will pass.
Aside from that, this is a good learning experience. Why did you choose this roomy? How are you going to avoid choosing another one, next time? Are there larger implications for evaluating your judgment, in general.
How about using the six weeks as a test? Can you play with different approaches? Try a bunch of stuff and keep what works?
Also, while you may be living in a communal setup, with modest privacy restrictions, your pets are just living in a bigass box, and they really don't know. They don't even know they are your pets. They think, perhaps, that you are furniture that dispenses food; at least that's what I think my cats think. If I came over to your house, I'd completely ignore you and ONLY pay attention to the cats, unless, of course, you were female, and then I'd pay a little attention to you, but only if you were naked, and even then, I'd talk about the cats. Cat people are weird. Cats are always the prettiest women in the room. Word.
posted by FauxScot at 4:42 AM on June 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Aside from that, this is a good learning experience. Why did you choose this roomy? How are you going to avoid choosing another one, next time? Are there larger implications for evaluating your judgment, in general.
How about using the six weeks as a test? Can you play with different approaches? Try a bunch of stuff and keep what works?
Also, while you may be living in a communal setup, with modest privacy restrictions, your pets are just living in a bigass box, and they really don't know. They don't even know they are your pets. They think, perhaps, that you are furniture that dispenses food; at least that's what I think my cats think. If I came over to your house, I'd completely ignore you and ONLY pay attention to the cats, unless, of course, you were female, and then I'd pay a little attention to you, but only if you were naked, and even then, I'd talk about the cats. Cat people are weird. Cats are always the prettiest women in the room. Word.
posted by FauxScot at 4:42 AM on June 8, 2011 [10 favorites]
Do the pets seem to dislike him? If the pets are ok with him I wouldn't worry about any of the other stuff too much.
posted by hazyjane at 5:05 AM on June 8, 2011
posted by hazyjane at 5:05 AM on June 8, 2011
Lock your stuff up and send the pets to a trusted family or friend's house if you're worried about their safety. It's end of semester time...can you bum a minifridge off someone and lock it in your room for your own food?
If you see him still wearing or using your stuff, confront him immediately until you get it back even if it's awkward. You: "You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back." Him: "Peace, dude, they're just the corporal remains of cows protecting my feet from the harsh elements. It's a beautiful cycle of foreverness." You: "You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back. You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back."
Otherwise, don't waste mental energy trying to understand this guy. He's a jerk. Jerkish behavior is hard to understand if you're not a jerk. You've only got six weeks before you'll never have to deal with his crap again...and remember, it is not your job to fix him before you part ways. Start packing now, you'll feel better.
posted by motsque at 5:53 AM on June 8, 2011
If you see him still wearing or using your stuff, confront him immediately until you get it back even if it's awkward. You: "You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back." Him: "Peace, dude, they're just the corporal remains of cows protecting my feet from the harsh elements. It's a beautiful cycle of foreverness." You: "You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back. You're wearing my shoes. Please take them off and give them back."
Otherwise, don't waste mental energy trying to understand this guy. He's a jerk. Jerkish behavior is hard to understand if you're not a jerk. You've only got six weeks before you'll never have to deal with his crap again...and remember, it is not your job to fix him before you part ways. Start packing now, you'll feel better.
posted by motsque at 5:53 AM on June 8, 2011
I once had a roommate with a lot of completely inexplicable behaviors. She'd sleep for days at a time, lie compulsively when she knew I knew the truth, put broken dishes back in the cupboards, and was always getting into bizarre scrapes that someone of her age and maturity (she's a doctoral candidate, for chrissakes!) should not be having trouble with. And, yeah, stuff like not contributing to the house, never chipping in for toilet paper or shared food, drinking liquor that wasn't hers (and then having to be asked to replace it, and replacing it with well garbage), and the typical inconsiderate roommate shit.
It turned out she was an alcoholic. In your case I'm suspecting extreme pothead or possible harder drugs, but same basic deal.
If there is a natural end point to the two of you living together, then there you go. Just continue to suffer through the behavior until he leaves. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing else you can really do.
posted by Sara C. at 6:16 AM on June 8, 2011
It turned out she was an alcoholic. In your case I'm suspecting extreme pothead or possible harder drugs, but same basic deal.
If there is a natural end point to the two of you living together, then there you go. Just continue to suffer through the behavior until he leaves. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing else you can really do.
posted by Sara C. at 6:16 AM on June 8, 2011
For his own edification, the next time he does one of these ridiculously selfish things, you should inform his "new-age," "spiritual" ass that he is acting like a selfish dick. Not very rainbow, man.
I don't get the people who seem worried that he is just waiting for his chance to hurt or steal your pets. What a strange idea.
posted by General Tonic at 6:45 AM on June 8, 2011
I don't get the people who seem worried that he is just waiting for his chance to hurt or steal your pets. What a strange idea.
posted by General Tonic at 6:45 AM on June 8, 2011
He sounds very much like one of my college roomates, except that we didn't have pets and he at least had the good sense not to wear other people's clothing. In our case the problem solved itself as he took the same attitude toward school that he did towards his other responsibilities and we just put up with him as best we could until he flunked out and left to move home, join the army, or whatever. As for food, that meant keeping a minimal amount of groceries and/or stuff he wouldn't eat and therefore wouldn't steal; living across the street from a grocery store meant that shopping more frequently wasn't a hassle.
posted by TedW at 7:36 AM on June 8, 2011
posted by TedW at 7:36 AM on June 8, 2011
He's a psychopath. Soon, one of your animals will 'have an accident' or 'escape'.
Sheesh. Ignore this. Sorry, obiwankasabi, but this is just an outrageous leap to make given the description of the roommate, and fomenting panic does not help anyone here.
Okay, so the problems are: He doesn't follow the rules you've laid down, doesn't respect personal property or the way you want your pets treated, and he flakes out in the middle of tasks.
Well, his memory could just honestly suck. This could be because of the massive amounts of pot he's ingesting (very likely).
He might actually have an issue like an auditory processing disorder.
Yes, this is a thing. My son has it. People with APD have perfect hearing but trouble deciphering vocal instructions, etc. This makes it difficult to remember spoken directions or lists, and can inhibit the ability to maintain focus long enough to complete a task. Might be why he flakes out in the middle of stuff (lots of people with APD are never diagnosed, or misdiagnosed with ADD).
So, I'd write down anything really important to you, because he might honestly need the reminder. Putting housework on some schedule sheet where you each check chores off may seem grade-schoolish, but it could work to keep him from flaking in the middle of cleaning, too. That's easily doable. Two problems addressed.
Not respecting your personal property, including taking your pets into his room, must really be maddening for you (and it also makes it seem more likely that this guy is just a flake who really doesn't care about boundaries). You're best bet is to keep your stuff away from him and locked up when you aren't there.
About the pets--have you thought about setting up a cam to see what goes on when you're not there? Might set your mind at ease (or inspire you to move out sooner). You could even threaten to put embarrassing video of him online if he doesn't tow the line (not really recommended! Douchey, and could potentially backfire on you).
As a last resort, you could try ding training. If nothing else, it will lighten the tension for you until you move out!
posted by misha at 8:03 AM on June 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
Sheesh. Ignore this. Sorry, obiwankasabi, but this is just an outrageous leap to make given the description of the roommate, and fomenting panic does not help anyone here.
Okay, so the problems are: He doesn't follow the rules you've laid down, doesn't respect personal property or the way you want your pets treated, and he flakes out in the middle of tasks.
Well, his memory could just honestly suck. This could be because of the massive amounts of pot he's ingesting (very likely).
He might actually have an issue like an auditory processing disorder.
Yes, this is a thing. My son has it. People with APD have perfect hearing but trouble deciphering vocal instructions, etc. This makes it difficult to remember spoken directions or lists, and can inhibit the ability to maintain focus long enough to complete a task. Might be why he flakes out in the middle of stuff (lots of people with APD are never diagnosed, or misdiagnosed with ADD).
So, I'd write down anything really important to you, because he might honestly need the reminder. Putting housework on some schedule sheet where you each check chores off may seem grade-schoolish, but it could work to keep him from flaking in the middle of cleaning, too. That's easily doable. Two problems addressed.
Not respecting your personal property, including taking your pets into his room, must really be maddening for you (and it also makes it seem more likely that this guy is just a flake who really doesn't care about boundaries). You're best bet is to keep your stuff away from him and locked up when you aren't there.
About the pets--have you thought about setting up a cam to see what goes on when you're not there? Might set your mind at ease (or inspire you to move out sooner). You could even threaten to put embarrassing video of him online if he doesn't tow the line (not really recommended! Douchey, and could potentially backfire on you).
As a last resort, you could try ding training. If nothing else, it will lighten the tension for you until you move out!
posted by misha at 8:03 AM on June 8, 2011 [2 favorites]
He is almost certainly not trying to be a jerk, he just isn't able to remember what you talked about. Drifting away from a cleaning job is pretty classic: he might not remember what he was doing if he gets distracted.
IMO this assessment is naïve. He remembers fine; he just hasn't been held accountable for his behavior, and knows he'll get away with it again (and again). The weed is peripheral -- if he couldn't get that substance (and who's paying for it?) he'd be drinking. Probably is already. But don't worry about what's wrong with this loser, protect yourself with insulation and separation, as detailed upthread.
posted by Rash at 8:10 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
IMO this assessment is naïve. He remembers fine; he just hasn't been held accountable for his behavior, and knows he'll get away with it again (and again). The weed is peripheral -- if he couldn't get that substance (and who's paying for it?) he'd be drinking. Probably is already. But don't worry about what's wrong with this loser, protect yourself with insulation and separation, as detailed upthread.
posted by Rash at 8:10 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @Everybody: Thanks for your suggestions. I do keep track of my things, but I am not too worried about something going missing, as I think he can rely on his parents for money. They are reasonably wealthy and there's no way he could be paying rent and buying all this pot working part time at his menial job.
I have pretty much cut down our interactions to practical roommate matters already, and I buy the bare minimum.
Unfortunately, I can't house the pets somewhere else now, but I can do some of my work from home in the evenings, which should help monitor things a little better.
I don't mind keeping to myself, but I think things would get out of control faster that way. Being confronted makes him uncomfortable at the moment, and I think it would've been worse if I didn't talk to him at all.
I liked FauxScot's suggestion of using the remaining time to try different approaches, which is partly why I posted the question.
@6550:
> Perhaps the pet issue is rooted less in his behavior and what he says and more in the fact that he gets to spend (apparently) a lot more time with them than you.
My pets are 8-12lbs cats and my issue has to do with the following:
- His 10x13 room is constantly filled with pot smoke (in addition to smoking often himself, he invites friends almost daily), which I don't want my pets to be exposed to. My understanding is that a person wouldn't get high on the second-hand smoke in that room, but I don't know what the effects would be on a small cat. I don't want to find out, and I think it's very unethical to be doing this to someone else's pets.
- Seeing how inconsiderate he is, coupled with his theories about the world, I doubt whether he'd have qualms exposing them to pot deliberately.
- When closed in his room, the cats don't have access to their litter boxes, which I've told him repeatedly.
If this was someone I trusted I would've been happy that the cats have someone to interact with when I'm not around. But I don't trust him. At all.
posted by adahn at 10:13 AM on June 8, 2011
I have pretty much cut down our interactions to practical roommate matters already, and I buy the bare minimum.
Unfortunately, I can't house the pets somewhere else now, but I can do some of my work from home in the evenings, which should help monitor things a little better.
I don't mind keeping to myself, but I think things would get out of control faster that way. Being confronted makes him uncomfortable at the moment, and I think it would've been worse if I didn't talk to him at all.
I liked FauxScot's suggestion of using the remaining time to try different approaches, which is partly why I posted the question.
@6550:
> Perhaps the pet issue is rooted less in his behavior and what he says and more in the fact that he gets to spend (apparently) a lot more time with them than you.
My pets are 8-12lbs cats and my issue has to do with the following:
- His 10x13 room is constantly filled with pot smoke (in addition to smoking often himself, he invites friends almost daily), which I don't want my pets to be exposed to. My understanding is that a person wouldn't get high on the second-hand smoke in that room, but I don't know what the effects would be on a small cat. I don't want to find out, and I think it's very unethical to be doing this to someone else's pets.
- Seeing how inconsiderate he is, coupled with his theories about the world, I doubt whether he'd have qualms exposing them to pot deliberately.
- When closed in his room, the cats don't have access to their litter boxes, which I've told him repeatedly.
If this was someone I trusted I would've been happy that the cats have someone to interact with when I'm not around. But I don't trust him. At all.
posted by adahn at 10:13 AM on June 8, 2011
Response by poster: @hazyjane:
> Do the pets seem to dislike him? If the pets are ok with him I wouldn't worry about any of the other stuff too much.
They don't seem to have a problem with him. They act pretty indifferent as they do with most people. They don't like being closed in any one room for a long time, though.
@General Tonic
> I don't get the people who seem worried that he is just waiting for his chance to hurt or steal your pets. What a strange idea.
This was my thought. I would hate to assume something that bad about someone. He still makes me uncomfortable, so I'll try to be there a little more often to keep track of what's going on.
posted by adahn at 10:23 AM on June 8, 2011
> Do the pets seem to dislike him? If the pets are ok with him I wouldn't worry about any of the other stuff too much.
They don't seem to have a problem with him. They act pretty indifferent as they do with most people. They don't like being closed in any one room for a long time, though.
@General Tonic
> I don't get the people who seem worried that he is just waiting for his chance to hurt or steal your pets. What a strange idea.
This was my thought. I would hate to assume something that bad about someone. He still makes me uncomfortable, so I'll try to be there a little more often to keep track of what's going on.
posted by adahn at 10:23 AM on June 8, 2011
Would it be practical to stop at home now and then during the day? Or give a trusted friend a key and ask them to go over and check at random times while you're gone? I'm wondering if that might ease your worries about your cats and let the loser roomie know you're keeping an eye on him.
I don't think I'd ever do it, but there is the nuclear option of calling the cops while he and his friends are smoking in the roomie's room.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 10:45 AM on June 8, 2011
I don't think I'd ever do it, but there is the nuclear option of calling the cops while he and his friends are smoking in the roomie's room.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 10:45 AM on June 8, 2011
When closed in his room, the cats don't have access to their litter boxes, which I've told him repeatedly.
Unless this guy is seriously gross, I doubt this is a mistake that will happen more than once.
If it's even a concern at all - my current roommate has two cats that like to hang out in my room, and every once in a while I won't notice that they're in there and shut the door completely. When the cats need to get out, they sit by the door and meow (or sometimes claw towards the knob, little geniuses that they are). I let them out. It's honestly not a big deal in any way. Even if I shut the door and go to sleep, I'll hear them meowing and clawing and wake up to let them out.
posted by Sara C. at 11:28 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
Unless this guy is seriously gross, I doubt this is a mistake that will happen more than once.
If it's even a concern at all - my current roommate has two cats that like to hang out in my room, and every once in a while I won't notice that they're in there and shut the door completely. When the cats need to get out, they sit by the door and meow (or sometimes claw towards the knob, little geniuses that they are). I let them out. It's honestly not a big deal in any way. Even if I shut the door and go to sleep, I'll hear them meowing and clawing and wake up to let them out.
posted by Sara C. at 11:28 AM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
How cool is your vet? Any chance you could ask them about cats' reactions to that cloud of second-hand pot smoke without them calling the cops/the humane society/whoever?
posted by easily confused at 11:36 AM on June 8, 2011
posted by easily confused at 11:36 AM on June 8, 2011
To be honest, I'm sure he's as annoyed with you as you are with him. You guys are just a bad match. I'd seriously suggest that you make a point never to live with anybody who smokes pot if this kind of (fairly normal) mid-20s stoner behavior annoys you that much.
posted by empath at 12:26 PM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 12:26 PM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
You guys are just a bad match. I'd seriously suggest that you make a point never to live with anybody who smokes pot if this kind of (fairly normal) mid-20s stoner behavior annoys you that much.
It might be "normal", but it certainly isn't nice, nor acceptable, roommate behavior. This guy is a selfish, type-a, irresponsible, possibly small-s sociopath, who is simply heavily medicated. This is a trait I have noticed in many, many chronic potheads. They can't take the fact that the world doesn't bend to their will or hand them whatever they want, so they get high.
posted by gjc at 4:18 PM on June 8, 2011
It might be "normal", but it certainly isn't nice, nor acceptable, roommate behavior. This guy is a selfish, type-a, irresponsible, possibly small-s sociopath, who is simply heavily medicated. This is a trait I have noticed in many, many chronic potheads. They can't take the fact that the world doesn't bend to their will or hand them whatever they want, so they get high.
posted by gjc at 4:18 PM on June 8, 2011
It might be "normal", but it certainly isn't nice, nor acceptable, roommate behavior. This guy is a selfish, type-a, irresponsible, possibly small-s sociopath, who is simply heavily medicated. This is a trait I have noticed in many, many chronic potheads. They can't take the fact that the world doesn't bend to their will or hand them whatever they want, so they get high.
Or he's just a 20 something pothead. I lived above a pothead/acid casualty for a bit. He was annoying and a bit crazy, but harmless and I certainly wouldn't call him a sociopath.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:18 PM on June 8, 2011
I used to live in a share house of mid-20's males, all of whom were moderate to heavy pot smokers (myself included, at the time.) Generally inconsiderate behaviour like you're describing was rife. It was a product of over-familiarity with each other, no real consequences for selfish actions, and the pot made it all seem too much trouble to make a fuss over. I was as complicit in this as everyone else was.
It didn't end until we all went our separate ways. You might get incredibly lucky and your housemate might of his own accord have a lightening bolt moment of clarity and decide he needs to get his shit together, and it sticks. I wouldn't count on it though.
My suggestion is to draw a line. Let him know that if it doesn't stop, you're going to ask him to leave (if you have that kind of authority in the house.) Follow through if it continues. Sometimes when you pick up a parasitic housemate, the best thing you can do is work out how to get rid of them.
posted by chmmr at 7:28 PM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
It didn't end until we all went our separate ways. You might get incredibly lucky and your housemate might of his own accord have a lightening bolt moment of clarity and decide he needs to get his shit together, and it sticks. I wouldn't count on it though.
My suggestion is to draw a line. Let him know that if it doesn't stop, you're going to ask him to leave (if you have that kind of authority in the house.) Follow through if it continues. Sometimes when you pick up a parasitic housemate, the best thing you can do is work out how to get rid of them.
posted by chmmr at 7:28 PM on June 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
> I don't get the people who seem worried that he is just waiting for his chance to hurt or steal your pets. What a strange idea.
I'll admit to having a tendency to figure out the worst case scenario and then look for ways to avoid it. But I don't actually think he's "waiting for his chance to hurt or steal" the cats. I can imagine, however, that any attempts to remind him not to smoke up the cats or keep them in his room might just lead a privileged, high douche bag to say to the cat something along the lines of "you don't mind pot, do you little friend? Do you want some right now? Come into my room...heh heh heh" and proceed to giggle his way to getting little kitty high out of a misplaced sense of pothead spite.
I'm sorry, I'm a bit sensitive because I buried my friends cat when I discovered that her entitled, pot-smoking douche bag of a roommate who was supposed to be feeding and watering the cat over winter break, didn't. I won't describe the scene--but he clearly knew what had happened, tried to make it look like he'd fed and watered the cat (both bowls were suspiciously full, to the brim, with the cat laying next to them), and the distinct overcompensation with the patchouli tells me that he knew the cat was dead and he left it for someone else to find and bury it (that was me).
I know the pot didn't make him do it---I know the guy in my story is a terrible person. I don' know the OP's roommate, but I have seen some really bad surprising roommate situations.
Admittedly, I go into "protect what you love, first, and any money and resources second" mode when roommate situations aren't working out.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:42 PM on June 9, 2011
I'll admit to having a tendency to figure out the worst case scenario and then look for ways to avoid it. But I don't actually think he's "waiting for his chance to hurt or steal" the cats. I can imagine, however, that any attempts to remind him not to smoke up the cats or keep them in his room might just lead a privileged, high douche bag to say to the cat something along the lines of "you don't mind pot, do you little friend? Do you want some right now? Come into my room...heh heh heh" and proceed to giggle his way to getting little kitty high out of a misplaced sense of pothead spite.
I'm sorry, I'm a bit sensitive because I buried my friends cat when I discovered that her entitled, pot-smoking douche bag of a roommate who was supposed to be feeding and watering the cat over winter break, didn't. I won't describe the scene--but he clearly knew what had happened, tried to make it look like he'd fed and watered the cat (both bowls were suspiciously full, to the brim, with the cat laying next to them), and the distinct overcompensation with the patchouli tells me that he knew the cat was dead and he left it for someone else to find and bury it (that was me).
I know the pot didn't make him do it---I know the guy in my story is a terrible person. I don' know the OP's roommate, but I have seen some really bad surprising roommate situations.
Admittedly, I go into "protect what you love, first, and any money and resources second" mode when roommate situations aren't working out.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:42 PM on June 9, 2011
For future reference, most leases/rental agreements have clauses that keeping illegal drugs, weapons etc. on the premises are cause for eviction. That makes me think that you could have the landlord intervene, although I'm not sure if that would get you kicked out also. It might depend on what kind of relationship you have with the landlord. Probably a bit extreme for your current situation though.
posted by anotherkate at 10:32 PM on June 9, 2011
posted by anotherkate at 10:32 PM on June 9, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
He has little regard for others' property or personal space. He would take things like food, or wear others' shoes without asking. He would do this even after politely being told not to. I am talking about specific items he's been told about, so he can't say he wasn't aware he wasn't supposed to take *that* thing or the other. He would also enter the other roommates' rooms without notice. Most disturbingly, he would take my pets to his room, when I've repeatedly told him not to, and that I want them to have access to the common area in our house. (If he wants to interact with them, he is perfectly able to do that in common areas).
Maybe make it more forceful that he can't do that?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 8:16 PM on June 7, 2011