Therapy for poorly attached parent?
June 5, 2011 1:44 PM Subscribe
Can therapy improve a poorly bonded mother-child situation?
This is a terrible thing to admit and I can't really say it to anyone. My six year old child is exceptionally beautiful, happy, smart, and well behaved... and I dislike parenting her and always have. Can therapy help?
The details of this sad story are too repulsive and painful for me to type out, so I'll just sum up. Assuming that the external factors (money, good jobs, a caring and supportive spouse, good physical health) are in place, but that one parent lacks that emotional spark that parents usually have vis a vis their children, which makes all the drudgery and negative life changes seem "worth it." That is, it feels not at all "worth it"; instead parenting feels like an enormous mistake and one which the parent resents and regrets, even six years later. Can therapy help this? I'm not looking for theory, but rather for a concrete answer from someone who has seen it work, and (if I'm very lucky) some information as to what the therapy involved.
The details of this sad story are too repulsive and painful for me to type out, so I'll just sum up. Assuming that the external factors (money, good jobs, a caring and supportive spouse, good physical health) are in place, but that one parent lacks that emotional spark that parents usually have vis a vis their children, which makes all the drudgery and negative life changes seem "worth it." That is, it feels not at all "worth it"; instead parenting feels like an enormous mistake and one which the parent resents and regrets, even six years later. Can therapy help this? I'm not looking for theory, but rather for a concrete answer from someone who has seen it work, and (if I'm very lucky) some information as to what the therapy involved.
Absolutely. There's a type of therapy centered around attachment theory that is explicitly about repairing the kinds of situations that you describe. The therapy is frequently somewhat experientially based, especially with children of that age. It's a type of family therapy.
I would look around your area for attachment therapists, or family attachment therapists. I would also be somewhat discerning, as although there are many many good attachment therapists there are also some cheesy new age attachment therapists.
posted by OmieWise at 1:49 PM on June 5, 2011 [8 favorites]
I would look around your area for attachment therapists, or family attachment therapists. I would also be somewhat discerning, as although there are many many good attachment therapists there are also some cheesy new age attachment therapists.
posted by OmieWise at 1:49 PM on June 5, 2011 [8 favorites]
2nd attachment therapy. Lots of folks with adopted/foster kids engage in this to work on bonding.
But all the therapy in the world won't help if the core problem (in this case depression?) isn't dealt with properly.
posted by k8t at 1:51 PM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
But all the therapy in the world won't help if the core problem (in this case depression?) isn't dealt with properly.
posted by k8t at 1:51 PM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
There was a show on Channel 4 in the UK called Help Me Love My Baby, and it dealt with similar issues to what you describe.
However, most of the children in the programme were under 2 (and completed the therapy before they could really comprehend why they were in therapy).
But here's what I took from it: therapy can definitely help. A lot of moms who have emergency c-sections or who aren't able to hold their children for a prolonged period after birth due to medical complications/being premature/etc. experience lack of bonding. It's actually not an uncommon problem. You are not alone.
Don't be ashamed of it - but seek help NOW before your child gets any older.
Good luck. And good for you for admitting it and looking to change it - there's so much social stigma that many parents just assume they're crazy and their child assumes that there's something wrong with them.
posted by guster4lovers at 1:54 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
However, most of the children in the programme were under 2 (and completed the therapy before they could really comprehend why they were in therapy).
But here's what I took from it: therapy can definitely help. A lot of moms who have emergency c-sections or who aren't able to hold their children for a prolonged period after birth due to medical complications/being premature/etc. experience lack of bonding. It's actually not an uncommon problem. You are not alone.
Don't be ashamed of it - but seek help NOW before your child gets any older.
Good luck. And good for you for admitting it and looking to change it - there's so much social stigma that many parents just assume they're crazy and their child assumes that there's something wrong with them.
posted by guster4lovers at 1:54 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
In a close family situation, the mother in question found individual therapy to examine her self-identity, feelings about motherhood and relationship with her own parents to be very helpful. I would frankly flee from anyone describing themselves as an attachment therapist. Run. Far away.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:54 PM on June 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:54 PM on June 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
Yeah, when researching you want to be verrrry careful about attachment therapy vs. attachment-based therapy.
posted by btfreek at 2:03 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by btfreek at 2:03 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
This really sounds like depression to me as well. That is the first think I would screen for before I went anywhere else.
(Btw you can love your child and still hate parenting. It's not mutually exclusive.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:06 PM on June 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
(Btw you can love your child and still hate parenting. It's not mutually exclusive.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 2:06 PM on June 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
Therapy helps. I speak from the POV of a relative of a person who at one point said she just didn't think she loved her kids (in her case it was depression, a difficult relationship with her mother, plus a weird custody situation with her kids.)
The most important thing is to keep working at it even when things are hard - I think a lot of us have an idea that parenthood, marriages, friendships, whatever are magically easy for those who "get it," and I'm almost completely certain that's never actually true. And by "working at it" I mean things like communicating, going to therapy, etc., as opposed to running away to bed twenty-year-olds in Florida or tuning to drugs or whatever. Blindly suffering does not equal "working on it."
posted by SMPA at 3:00 PM on June 5, 2011
The most important thing is to keep working at it even when things are hard - I think a lot of us have an idea that parenthood, marriages, friendships, whatever are magically easy for those who "get it," and I'm almost completely certain that's never actually true. And by "working at it" I mean things like communicating, going to therapy, etc., as opposed to running away to bed twenty-year-olds in Florida or tuning to drugs or whatever. Blindly suffering does not equal "working on it."
posted by SMPA at 3:00 PM on June 5, 2011
You can definitely repair this relationship. And it's okay if you're feeling the problem is primarily on the parent's side of things. I nth the idea of seeking out a therapist who has experience working with adoptive families or who has worked with adoptive parents. Even if that's not your family's situation, they are experienced in helping form stronger bonds between parents and kids.
One reason it's really important to make sure your therapist has this kind of experience: in many kinds of traditional therapy, a bond forms between client and therapist. But when you are working on the bond between parent and child, it's important for there NOT to be a strongly developing bond between child and therapist, because that can interfere with the development of a stronger bond between parent and child. (This is if you want to bring the child to therapy with you. If it's just for you, well, that's a bit different.)
I have some first-hand experience with this kind of therapy and I'd rather not talk too much about this in public, but MefiMail me if you want to talk more about this. (And I promise we haven't done any of the crazy child-is-reborn dangerous therapy.)
posted by bluedaisy at 3:27 PM on June 5, 2011
One reason it's really important to make sure your therapist has this kind of experience: in many kinds of traditional therapy, a bond forms between client and therapist. But when you are working on the bond between parent and child, it's important for there NOT to be a strongly developing bond between child and therapist, because that can interfere with the development of a stronger bond between parent and child. (This is if you want to bring the child to therapy with you. If it's just for you, well, that's a bit different.)
I have some first-hand experience with this kind of therapy and I'd rather not talk too much about this in public, but MefiMail me if you want to talk more about this. (And I promise we haven't done any of the crazy child-is-reborn dangerous therapy.)
posted by bluedaisy at 3:27 PM on June 5, 2011
I'm totally spit balling here, but, a friend of mine mentioned difficulties bonding if the birth was particularly traumatic and/ or if it was perceived as traumatic. (For the record, giving birth can be a joy AND be traumatic. That's ok. Really.) I don't think it matters if you are the mom or the dad in that scenario, FWIW.
She mentioned this in conjunction with a study that was done blah blah blah. My only take-away from that conversation (sorry!) was the fact mentioned above.
Seems so obvious, though - right?
Reading your question made me wonder if this could have been at all a factor for you. Might be worth exploring. Sometimes what effects our conscious mind one way, strikes our subconscious in a completely opposite manner. YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 3:47 PM on June 5, 2011
She mentioned this in conjunction with a study that was done blah blah blah. My only take-away from that conversation (sorry!) was the fact mentioned above.
Seems so obvious, though - right?
Reading your question made me wonder if this could have been at all a factor for you. Might be worth exploring. Sometimes what effects our conscious mind one way, strikes our subconscious in a completely opposite manner. YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 3:47 PM on June 5, 2011
A couple things: yes, I think therapy can definitely help in this situation! You can certainly become more attached to your child.
And depression, even after six years, may be what's driving these 'trapped' feelings you are having. Sometimes we put these expectations on ourselves that we have to succeed at everything perfectly, and there's just no way for anyone to do that, and the more we try the worse it gets until we just want to run away from responsibility.
I have two children that were very wanted, very planned, and we didn't have them really young, and we waited until we would not be really financially stressed to have them, and even so my post-partum depression required a doctor's care and medication. And even after that, I would have these moments of doubting myself. My spouse, in a misguided effort to reassure me, would say things like, "How hard can it be, if our parents did this? And look at all the advantages we have!"
Which did not help AT ALL.
So I decided to make changes I could live with. For me, I chose to stay home with my kids, and I let my house go a little bit and if I wasn't up to cooking, I called and asked my husband to bring home takeout. And if sometimes I met him in a negligee at the door, more often than not it was because that was the only clean laundry I had left after the baby had been spitting up on me.
And it absolutely helps to have a supportive partner, but it also helps to take time away from being parents to just be a couple sometimes, and to allow yourself to have some ME time to spend with friends or go to the gym, just to get out of the house and away from the drudgery while your partner takes over, and vice versa.
In other words, there are things you can do to help make the drudgery less, and that might allow you to appreciate your child more, too.
posted by misha at 3:52 PM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
And depression, even after six years, may be what's driving these 'trapped' feelings you are having. Sometimes we put these expectations on ourselves that we have to succeed at everything perfectly, and there's just no way for anyone to do that, and the more we try the worse it gets until we just want to run away from responsibility.
I have two children that were very wanted, very planned, and we didn't have them really young, and we waited until we would not be really financially stressed to have them, and even so my post-partum depression required a doctor's care and medication. And even after that, I would have these moments of doubting myself. My spouse, in a misguided effort to reassure me, would say things like, "How hard can it be, if our parents did this? And look at all the advantages we have!"
Which did not help AT ALL.
So I decided to make changes I could live with. For me, I chose to stay home with my kids, and I let my house go a little bit and if I wasn't up to cooking, I called and asked my husband to bring home takeout. And if sometimes I met him in a negligee at the door, more often than not it was because that was the only clean laundry I had left after the baby had been spitting up on me.
And it absolutely helps to have a supportive partner, but it also helps to take time away from being parents to just be a couple sometimes, and to allow yourself to have some ME time to spend with friends or go to the gym, just to get out of the house and away from the drudgery while your partner takes over, and vice versa.
In other words, there are things you can do to help make the drudgery less, and that might allow you to appreciate your child more, too.
posted by misha at 3:52 PM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
FYI a lot of parents -- mothers included -- regret having kids and hate parenting. They're just very hesitant to admit it because it's so taboo to feel that way. It's a lot more common than you'd think, and it's too bad that more people don't talk about it.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:38 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 4:38 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
My six year old child is exceptionally beautiful, happy, smart, and well behaved
If so, you can't be messing up too much. What parts don't you like--the care-taking, driving around, cleaning up stuff or the deep bonding, touchy-feely stuff? I ask, because depressed or not, you can hire someone to do all that driving, feeding, shopping stuff until you're in a better place. And not every child needs squishy mommy-bonding to develop as a functional happy adult.
(Really glad I had kids before the internet could tell me how wrong I was.) I hated spending time on the floor with Legos and blocks, but I don't think my kids really noticed my lack of enthusiasm. I was usually reading when they were playing team sports, singing in concerts, and so on. They didn't notice. They registered that I was present, and that seemed to be fine with them.
I know that children of depressed mothers can have a hard time, but I also think that we have far less impact on our offspring than we like to think.
Therapy, play to your strengths, supportive partner, hired help and so on.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:45 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
If so, you can't be messing up too much. What parts don't you like--the care-taking, driving around, cleaning up stuff or the deep bonding, touchy-feely stuff? I ask, because depressed or not, you can hire someone to do all that driving, feeding, shopping stuff until you're in a better place. And not every child needs squishy mommy-bonding to develop as a functional happy adult.
(Really glad I had kids before the internet could tell me how wrong I was.) I hated spending time on the floor with Legos and blocks, but I don't think my kids really noticed my lack of enthusiasm. I was usually reading when they were playing team sports, singing in concerts, and so on. They didn't notice. They registered that I was present, and that seemed to be fine with them.
I know that children of depressed mothers can have a hard time, but I also think that we have far less impact on our offspring than we like to think.
Therapy, play to your strengths, supportive partner, hired help and so on.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:45 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yipes, make sure to read btfreek's links. Attachment-based therapy=good, attachment therapy=scary.
Honestly I think it's a big step that you can even admit that you feel this way. You sound very depressed, and I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist one-on-one, who can help you evaluate your own personal life and decide from there if you and your daughter would benefit from joint therapy. I have been seen a therapist for years on and off, and it's really helpful.
posted by radioamy at 8:11 PM on June 5, 2011
Honestly I think it's a big step that you can even admit that you feel this way. You sound very depressed, and I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist one-on-one, who can help you evaluate your own personal life and decide from there if you and your daughter would benefit from joint therapy. I have been seen a therapist for years on and off, and it's really helpful.
posted by radioamy at 8:11 PM on June 5, 2011
How is your relationship with the other people in your daughter's life?
I ask because I had a friend that thought she was an awful mother and hated parenting. The reason she did so was because her husband and his mother were constantly harping on her that she wasn't doing things right and that she could never live up to the standards of her m-i-l. Turns out jerkface divorced her and remarried a gal with kids, so he distanced himself from his first son, and m-i-l was more interested in her 'baby' than her grandson after all. Amazingly enough, once the criticism was out of her life, and she could parent in her own way, she grew much closer to her son, and realized she was a darn good mom after all.
This may have no bearing on your case, but sometimes other relationships can limit us.
Maybe you're just not a kid person. Try relating to your daughter as one human being to another. Do things with her that you enjoy, even if they're not necessarily kid activities. If you do 35 mm photography, take her along, and talk to her about the lighting, the f-stops, the background, etc. Get her an inexpensive camera of her own--kids love to take pictures. If you do embroidery, explain to her about the different stitches, give her a needle and floss, let her try some stitching. She will probably try to imitate you, and take a few stitches before wandering off. If you like gardening, show her the difference between weeds and flowers and try to engage her in helping a bit before she wanders off. Your enthusiasm for what you enjoy will rub off on her, and she'll respond as her age allows her. You don't have to have her with you all the time, because it's YOUR hobby/passion/enjoyment time, but that makes it even more special when you do, because it's a treat. Remember, she won't always be a kid--if she's beautiful, happy, smart, and well behaved, she ought to be fun to be with as a person.
The other thing--do you get 'me' time? Do you have time to just do what you want without your daughter? Due to being a full time mom, isolated in the country (which I love, don't get me wrong) and not having access to a sitter, and being limited on funds, I often resented my kids when they were younger, because I just couldn't get away from the little buggers. I told both my daughters how important it is to have time for yourself, and they do take the time. Both have said they understand how I must have felt and know why I went riding out in the desert alone as often as I could.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:23 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
I ask because I had a friend that thought she was an awful mother and hated parenting. The reason she did so was because her husband and his mother were constantly harping on her that she wasn't doing things right and that she could never live up to the standards of her m-i-l. Turns out jerkface divorced her and remarried a gal with kids, so he distanced himself from his first son, and m-i-l was more interested in her 'baby' than her grandson after all. Amazingly enough, once the criticism was out of her life, and she could parent in her own way, she grew much closer to her son, and realized she was a darn good mom after all.
This may have no bearing on your case, but sometimes other relationships can limit us.
Maybe you're just not a kid person. Try relating to your daughter as one human being to another. Do things with her that you enjoy, even if they're not necessarily kid activities. If you do 35 mm photography, take her along, and talk to her about the lighting, the f-stops, the background, etc. Get her an inexpensive camera of her own--kids love to take pictures. If you do embroidery, explain to her about the different stitches, give her a needle and floss, let her try some stitching. She will probably try to imitate you, and take a few stitches before wandering off. If you like gardening, show her the difference between weeds and flowers and try to engage her in helping a bit before she wanders off. Your enthusiasm for what you enjoy will rub off on her, and she'll respond as her age allows her. You don't have to have her with you all the time, because it's YOUR hobby/passion/enjoyment time, but that makes it even more special when you do, because it's a treat. Remember, she won't always be a kid--if she's beautiful, happy, smart, and well behaved, she ought to be fun to be with as a person.
The other thing--do you get 'me' time? Do you have time to just do what you want without your daughter? Due to being a full time mom, isolated in the country (which I love, don't get me wrong) and not having access to a sitter, and being limited on funds, I often resented my kids when they were younger, because I just couldn't get away from the little buggers. I told both my daughters how important it is to have time for yourself, and they do take the time. Both have said they understand how I must have felt and know why I went riding out in the desert alone as often as I could.
posted by BlueHorse at 8:23 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
I thought "parenting" was supposed to be about puppet shows and wackiness and fun fun fun and play play play. I hated that stuff. I'm not good at playing. Wasn't good at it when I was a kid, even. I worried that I was not a good mom because I was unenthusiastic in my heart about this stuff and dreaded it and found it boring. Then I decided "the heck with this, I'm teaching this kid to make pizza dough." After that everything changed.
Now, like Bluehorse said, I involve my child in things I genuinely care about. I teach her to cook and we cook together. We make a game out of folding towels at the laundry. We sit on the edge of the planter downtown and speculate about the people walking by. We play pool together at the convenience store down the street from my house. We chase chickens around the yard and she helps me with the beehives. I thought that she would be bored with these things because they are things I care about, but that she doesn't. Then I realized that she is a blank slate. I am teaching her what is worth caring about. Now she values all of this stuff because I value it also.
Interestingly, her genuinely valuing what I do has made it easier for me to value what she does. It's not a long, boring nightmare of "kids' stuff that good parents have to do or else be bad parents oh crap" any more. Instead it's "I enjoy gardening and she enjoys turning lights on and off (she's 4)." Sometimes we garden, sometimes we turn lights on and off.
I abandoned my expectations of what I had to do to be a "good" parent and instead just decided to be myself. The more I see she accepts and even likes me for that, the easier it is to see her as a cool little person instead of This Kid I Have to Parent. I'm still her parent. I still set boundaries and there are consequences and structures and expectations, etc. But I am getting to know and like her as a person, and not just as a kid, and that's made it so much better.
posted by staggering termagant at 12:49 PM on June 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
Now, like Bluehorse said, I involve my child in things I genuinely care about. I teach her to cook and we cook together. We make a game out of folding towels at the laundry. We sit on the edge of the planter downtown and speculate about the people walking by. We play pool together at the convenience store down the street from my house. We chase chickens around the yard and she helps me with the beehives. I thought that she would be bored with these things because they are things I care about, but that she doesn't. Then I realized that she is a blank slate. I am teaching her what is worth caring about. Now she values all of this stuff because I value it also.
Interestingly, her genuinely valuing what I do has made it easier for me to value what she does. It's not a long, boring nightmare of "kids' stuff that good parents have to do or else be bad parents oh crap" any more. Instead it's "I enjoy gardening and she enjoys turning lights on and off (she's 4)." Sometimes we garden, sometimes we turn lights on and off.
I abandoned my expectations of what I had to do to be a "good" parent and instead just decided to be myself. The more I see she accepts and even likes me for that, the easier it is to see her as a cool little person instead of This Kid I Have to Parent. I'm still her parent. I still set boundaries and there are consequences and structures and expectations, etc. But I am getting to know and like her as a person, and not just as a kid, and that's made it so much better.
posted by staggering termagant at 12:49 PM on June 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by availablelight at 1:46 PM on June 5, 2011 [3 favorites]