Why do I like it when I'm sad?
May 23, 2011 1:45 AM Subscribe
Why do I sometimes gravitate, intentionally, towards sadness or depressing things?
I think of myself and believe many of my peers would describe me as optimistic and more cheerful than average. In the last 8 months, my wife left me, gave birth to my first child, denied me access to him, sued me for divorce, I lost my job (twice), and got disfellowshipped from my church, which now means I can no longer associate with the friends I've had for the last 20 years, or my family (parents and a couple sisters).
I'm pretty sure I'm handling all of this really well. I would say I'm happier than I think I've ever been, because I've really, truly gotten a chance to start over completely from scratch. Obviously, some aspects of these events have given me some stress, especially the financial squeeze of having to pay child support and getting sued while not having employment can create.
I've embraced this change, and I'm actively enjoying life again (my marriage was a bleak and sad, pathetic, thing).
What is curious to me, though, is how on fairly random/rare occasions, I seem to seek out depressing emotions. It could be through listening to depressing music (I've created a playlist of about 100 songs, just for this purpose) or cranking up the sadness whenever I'm watching a movie or something that has depressing elements. I mean that I will intentionally let down any intellectual barriers I normally have in place to prevent me from being sad or getting depressed and actively encourage those emotions.
This is not a new thing - I have been doing this since I was about 14 or 15. (I'm only 26 now).
About the only actual manifestation of this is the media I choose to consume - music or movies, usually. I don't do drugs, or act out, or do reckless things.
I was just watching Californication, season 1, tonight, and thinking to myself how it would be preferable if I were in love with a girl that I couldn't have, than to be in love with a girl who was with me (as a girlfriend, or whatever). That doesn't seem too rational to me. I won't actively pursue that reality, but in my mind, at times like these, I can make these weird irrational decisions that would lead me to depression, and I know they would lead me there, even as I make them.
Why is that?
Oh yeah, and once I'm in one of these moods, even though I feel sad or depressed, I really like it. Its weird. I don't think I would want to feel like that all the time, but as infrequently as it happens now its just about right. Maybe three or four times a year.
I think of myself and believe many of my peers would describe me as optimistic and more cheerful than average. In the last 8 months, my wife left me, gave birth to my first child, denied me access to him, sued me for divorce, I lost my job (twice), and got disfellowshipped from my church, which now means I can no longer associate with the friends I've had for the last 20 years, or my family (parents and a couple sisters).
I'm pretty sure I'm handling all of this really well. I would say I'm happier than I think I've ever been, because I've really, truly gotten a chance to start over completely from scratch. Obviously, some aspects of these events have given me some stress, especially the financial squeeze of having to pay child support and getting sued while not having employment can create.
I've embraced this change, and I'm actively enjoying life again (my marriage was a bleak and sad, pathetic, thing).
What is curious to me, though, is how on fairly random/rare occasions, I seem to seek out depressing emotions. It could be through listening to depressing music (I've created a playlist of about 100 songs, just for this purpose) or cranking up the sadness whenever I'm watching a movie or something that has depressing elements. I mean that I will intentionally let down any intellectual barriers I normally have in place to prevent me from being sad or getting depressed and actively encourage those emotions.
This is not a new thing - I have been doing this since I was about 14 or 15. (I'm only 26 now).
About the only actual manifestation of this is the media I choose to consume - music or movies, usually. I don't do drugs, or act out, or do reckless things.
I was just watching Californication, season 1, tonight, and thinking to myself how it would be preferable if I were in love with a girl that I couldn't have, than to be in love with a girl who was with me (as a girlfriend, or whatever). That doesn't seem too rational to me. I won't actively pursue that reality, but in my mind, at times like these, I can make these weird irrational decisions that would lead me to depression, and I know they would lead me there, even as I make them.
Why is that?
Oh yeah, and once I'm in one of these moods, even though I feel sad or depressed, I really like it. Its weird. I don't think I would want to feel like that all the time, but as infrequently as it happens now its just about right. Maybe three or four times a year.
You need to re-read this with a more jaundiced eye: In the last 8 months, my wife left me, gave birth to my first child, denied me access to him, sued me for divorce, I lost my job (twice), and got disfellowshipped from my church, which now means I can no longer associate with the friends I've had for the last 20 years, or my family (parents and a couple sisters).
These are events that will make anyone despondent and depressed (what does it mean to be "disfellowshipped"?)
You need to see some sort of a therapist to understand what you're dealing with right now. It doesn't sound like you understand the connection between the events you have experienced and your current emotional state.
posted by dfriedman at 2:26 AM on May 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
These are events that will make anyone despondent and depressed (what does it mean to be "disfellowshipped"?)
You need to see some sort of a therapist to understand what you're dealing with right now. It doesn't sound like you understand the connection between the events you have experienced and your current emotional state.
posted by dfriedman at 2:26 AM on May 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm not a psych, but maybe you are seeking Cathartic experiences?
I often feel better after crying to myself for a little while. Usually sad news items or documentaries can set me off in the evening. It seems to release the pent-up stress of my normal work-day and I sleep better too.
posted by evil_esto at 2:29 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I often feel better after crying to myself for a little while. Usually sad news items or documentaries can set me off in the evening. It seems to release the pent-up stress of my normal work-day and I sleep better too.
posted by evil_esto at 2:29 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
what does it mean to be "disfellowshipped"?
It's the JW (Jehovah's Witnesses) term for excommunication.
OP, I think being DFed is what's putting you in this long-term funk more than anything else. There are therapists that specialize in helping ex-JWs (assuming that you don't want to go back.) Check on the numerous "apostate" sites and see if there are any in your area.
posted by Anima Mundi at 4:11 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's the JW (Jehovah's Witnesses) term for excommunication.
OP, I think being DFed is what's putting you in this long-term funk more than anything else. There are therapists that specialize in helping ex-JWs (assuming that you don't want to go back.) Check on the numerous "apostate" sites and see if there are any in your area.
posted by Anima Mundi at 4:11 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
You've got every right to feel pissed off I think. (I don't mean that to sound like I would condone you acting out being angry at anyone, though it sounds like that's not the thing anyway.) You have a lot of things to deal with right at the moment, and it would be natural for you to feel sad about them.
What dfriedman and evil_esto said both have merit.
evil_esto notes that you seem to be looking for catharsis - just some way to let it out. If your mixtapes have a purpose, isn't this it?
But just seeking catharsis without working through it can just be (sort of) habit forming- which is why seeking some sort of therapy like dfriedman notes might be a good idea. What DF says about reconnecting the cause (lots of stuff going on) and the effect (you feel like crap) seems appropriate here.
Your daydream about someone who was fulfilling your need to achieve something in life (the unattainable girlfriend), who is ultimately unconnected to you and can make no actual demands on your time or life (whilst still motivating you and being a goal for you) sounds like a reaction to what it means to really be involved - a situation which at the moment is giving you lots of grief - reconnecting with what it means to go through life - feeling what it does to you and responding with happiness and sadness, with its ups and downs, would also, I think, help reconnect you with the pluses of being involved with a real person, with all the light and shade it brings. (That's the nature of an adventure.)
Lots of people are drawn towards depressing things or 'dark' imagery because they feel it is a way for them to express themselves, or to contact the part of themselves that isn't happy with the way things are. I think almost everyone does something like that, even if it's just listening to Hank Williams. It's a kind of self-indulgence sometimes: you can make it worthwhile if you pay attention to how you can use it as a way to understand yourself and how you feel.
There are lots and lots of kinds of depression. Noone needs to draw a line and say 'nah, this ain't depression because you could just snap out of it if you wanted to'. Saying 'i really like it' makes me think that looked at in a certain way, you are just finding time for yourself rather than others. This isn't something to feel bad about - just something to watch; use it to find out how you feel and when you are ready to, to think about how you might move on. But - what DF said: a therapist can help you figure out what's going on better than I can. If that isn't any good, I can recommend a fairly good self-help book that doesn't treat you like an idiot.
You aren't doing anything that isn't totally normal. All the best.
posted by aesop at 4:25 AM on May 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
What dfriedman and evil_esto said both have merit.
evil_esto notes that you seem to be looking for catharsis - just some way to let it out. If your mixtapes have a purpose, isn't this it?
But just seeking catharsis without working through it can just be (sort of) habit forming- which is why seeking some sort of therapy like dfriedman notes might be a good idea. What DF says about reconnecting the cause (lots of stuff going on) and the effect (you feel like crap) seems appropriate here.
Your daydream about someone who was fulfilling your need to achieve something in life (the unattainable girlfriend), who is ultimately unconnected to you and can make no actual demands on your time or life (whilst still motivating you and being a goal for you) sounds like a reaction to what it means to really be involved - a situation which at the moment is giving you lots of grief - reconnecting with what it means to go through life - feeling what it does to you and responding with happiness and sadness, with its ups and downs, would also, I think, help reconnect you with the pluses of being involved with a real person, with all the light and shade it brings. (That's the nature of an adventure.)
Lots of people are drawn towards depressing things or 'dark' imagery because they feel it is a way for them to express themselves, or to contact the part of themselves that isn't happy with the way things are. I think almost everyone does something like that, even if it's just listening to Hank Williams. It's a kind of self-indulgence sometimes: you can make it worthwhile if you pay attention to how you can use it as a way to understand yourself and how you feel.
There are lots and lots of kinds of depression. Noone needs to draw a line and say 'nah, this ain't depression because you could just snap out of it if you wanted to'. Saying 'i really like it' makes me think that looked at in a certain way, you are just finding time for yourself rather than others. This isn't something to feel bad about - just something to watch; use it to find out how you feel and when you are ready to, to think about how you might move on. But - what DF said: a therapist can help you figure out what's going on better than I can. If that isn't any good, I can recommend a fairly good self-help book that doesn't treat you like an idiot.
You aren't doing anything that isn't totally normal. All the best.
posted by aesop at 4:25 AM on May 23, 2011 [3 favorites]
Catharsis is definitely a valid answer. Many times we just feel like a good cry, and music, movies or television shows that let us do that help us get those feelings out. This is one reason why networks like Lifetime are so popular--they are just chock full of dramatic stories of people whose spouses are cheating on them, or who find out they have a terminal disease, etc.
You might also feel--and I am not going to get into whether those feelings are valid or not, because I don't know you and have no idea why your life has gone in the direction it has--that you need to be punished in some way for things you have done or not done.
You were married, and now your wife has left you. You've lost two jobs. You are a father who is not allowed to see his kid. You were raised in a religion that has now completely disowned you. You feel good about how you are consciously processing these issues and dealing with them.
But subconsciously you may be blaming yourself for whatever your part has been in these events, and telling you that, to quote a Metafilter favorite, "You are a bad person and you should feel bad."
And, you know, that's something you should talk to a therapist about, because regardless of why all this has happened, you've had some seriously messed-up things happening in your life and that has to take an emotional toll on you. Any one of those--losing a job, losing a spouse, having a child, changing religions--is a major stressor. All of them at once? Nervous breakdown material.
posted by misha at 7:47 AM on May 23, 2011
You might also feel--and I am not going to get into whether those feelings are valid or not, because I don't know you and have no idea why your life has gone in the direction it has--that you need to be punished in some way for things you have done or not done.
You were married, and now your wife has left you. You've lost two jobs. You are a father who is not allowed to see his kid. You were raised in a religion that has now completely disowned you. You feel good about how you are consciously processing these issues and dealing with them.
But subconsciously you may be blaming yourself for whatever your part has been in these events, and telling you that, to quote a Metafilter favorite, "You are a bad person and you should feel bad."
And, you know, that's something you should talk to a therapist about, because regardless of why all this has happened, you've had some seriously messed-up things happening in your life and that has to take an emotional toll on you. Any one of those--losing a job, losing a spouse, having a child, changing religions--is a major stressor. All of them at once? Nervous breakdown material.
posted by misha at 7:47 AM on May 23, 2011
There are some really good answers here, so I'll just add one thought:
I know a lot of people who've left the JW faith and struggled to process their emotions after years of being told that emotions were at best a "weakness" and "inconvenient". I'm not claiming to have any knowledge of the faith, and I don't know if this is something that was unique to my friends/students. The language you are using reminds me of those people - you seem to feel that it's wrong to be sad/depressed after what you went though.
Your feelings are important (and normal!), and you've been though a lot of trauma. Please find someone to talk to, especially someone who has left the JW faith and can guide you as you find a life that is happier.
Good luck - it's such a difficult road to walk when you change your life entirely, and grief will come in stages. Don't be surprised if it hits you when you least expect.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:55 AM on May 23, 2011
I know a lot of people who've left the JW faith and struggled to process their emotions after years of being told that emotions were at best a "weakness" and "inconvenient". I'm not claiming to have any knowledge of the faith, and I don't know if this is something that was unique to my friends/students. The language you are using reminds me of those people - you seem to feel that it's wrong to be sad/depressed after what you went though.
Your feelings are important (and normal!), and you've been though a lot of trauma. Please find someone to talk to, especially someone who has left the JW faith and can guide you as you find a life that is happier.
Good luck - it's such a difficult road to walk when you change your life entirely, and grief will come in stages. Don't be surprised if it hits you when you least expect.
posted by guster4lovers at 7:55 AM on May 23, 2011
You are not abnormal whatsoever. In fact, I would consider this quite healthy. It is very natural to seek out stimuli that will create a particular emotion, even if that emotion is generally considered undesirable (sadness, grief, loneliness, desperation). It is, indeed, a cathartic experience to move through those emotions, which is why it feels so good to do so. We have a broad range of emotions and they tend to get "stored up" over time. Sometimes we need a purge, and your music and/or movies is the perfect catalyst to bring about the purge.
Congratulations, you're human. :)
posted by Falwless at 8:32 AM on May 23, 2011
Congratulations, you're human. :)
posted by Falwless at 8:32 AM on May 23, 2011
Best answer: There was a story making the rounds recently about some research on why certain people seek out 'sad' or 'depressing' forms of media and art. Basically, their hypothesis was that it stimulates the feel-good brain chemicals, yet the brain also knows that the sadness-inducing events weren't 'real', they were just song lyrics, movie plotlines, etc. Very interesting stuff.
posted by statolith at 9:09 AM on May 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by statolith at 9:09 AM on May 23, 2011 [2 favorites]
There is something undeniably comforting about the (voluntary) experience of physical or emotional pain. I used to regard the pursuit of such experiences as a sort of perversion in my character, but I've come to see that a lot of people enjoy controlled pain. It provides release, it focuses and purifies. If you're living in a sort of undifferentiated fog of anxiety, uncertainty and loss, choosing a specific moment, like a sad song for example, upon which to hang all your negative emotions can be incredibly reassuring. Your emotional fog is the sunlight, the song is the magnifying glass, and the burning spot of light it creates is something you can point to and say with certainty, "There, that is where the pain exists."
posted by milk white peacock at 9:41 AM on May 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by milk white peacock at 9:41 AM on May 23, 2011 [4 favorites]
you are human. we all do that sometimes. we're complex creatures, talking with a therapist can help if it's the right match for you...sometimes we think too much about why we feel sad, glad, excited, fearful etc...and we forget to just be in the moment and swim through it...Good luck.
posted by gypseefire at 1:06 PM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by gypseefire at 1:06 PM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think Falwless (uh, did I get that right?) said it very well. You're human. When I was pregnant with my first kid, I watched Rosemary's Baby like, 20 times. I just wanted to safely play out the worst possible scenario, I guess! Of course, I got an angel, not the devil. Good luck and take it easy. Life is dense sometimes.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:52 PM on May 23, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 2:52 PM on May 23, 2011
You've been hit with several big-time life changes all at once, and depression is a pretty normal reaction. Please take good care of yourself, don't do anything reckless, and start seeing a therapist to help you (a) sort things out (b) transition to a new and better life while (c) working on the depression.
posted by exphysicist345 at 3:07 PM on May 23, 2011
posted by exphysicist345 at 3:07 PM on May 23, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for all the great answers.
@statolith, I think you really hit a home run with that article. They even nailed one of the songs I listen to (Wicked Games - Chris Isaak). I've always felt like the weird sad moments I have actually feel good in a weird sort of way. The chemical reaction that's probably taking place would totally explain that. Hehe - I feel like the Terminal Man now.
For everyone who thinks I'm depressed - I want to clarify just a bit - I don't feel depressed after this chain of events any more than I did before all that stuff happened. These "moments of intense emotion" occur only a handful of times per year and don't seem to be affected or caused by any stressors.
I was merely pointing out that I feel like I am adjusting to the changes of life really well, since I am a very pliable, optimistic and carefree person. In other words... despite all that shit that's happened, I'm doing fine, perhaps better than what most people would consider normal.
(or maybe I'm in denial and I don't know it, lol)
(but I don't think that's what it is)
About the JW disfellowshipment thing... I don't feel wronged in any way, and I don't feel any ill-will towards the JWs. I don't currently intend to go back and its only been mildly annoying that I can't hang out with my old friends anymore.
posted by farmersckn at 9:21 PM on May 23, 2011
@statolith, I think you really hit a home run with that article. They even nailed one of the songs I listen to (Wicked Games - Chris Isaak). I've always felt like the weird sad moments I have actually feel good in a weird sort of way. The chemical reaction that's probably taking place would totally explain that. Hehe - I feel like the Terminal Man now.
For everyone who thinks I'm depressed - I want to clarify just a bit - I don't feel depressed after this chain of events any more than I did before all that stuff happened. These "moments of intense emotion" occur only a handful of times per year and don't seem to be affected or caused by any stressors.
I was merely pointing out that I feel like I am adjusting to the changes of life really well, since I am a very pliable, optimistic and carefree person. In other words... despite all that shit that's happened, I'm doing fine, perhaps better than what most people would consider normal.
(or maybe I'm in denial and I don't know it, lol)
(but I don't think that's what it is)
About the JW disfellowshipment thing... I don't feel wronged in any way, and I don't feel any ill-will towards the JWs. I don't currently intend to go back and its only been mildly annoying that I can't hang out with my old friends anymore.
posted by farmersckn at 9:21 PM on May 23, 2011
My first thought was that you almost sound like you could be in shock. You seem neither real high, nor low, but in a strange in-between, a numb sort of state.
Not sure what to say about the major life changes you are going through, but I DO know what it's like to seek out those depressing-type motivators (music, movies, etc.) and instead of depression, I actually feel a weird happiness and serenity.
I've read a couple of books by Eric Wilson; an author who "suffers" from it as well.
Take care.
posted by foxhat10 at 6:35 PM on May 24, 2011
Not sure what to say about the major life changes you are going through, but I DO know what it's like to seek out those depressing-type motivators (music, movies, etc.) and instead of depression, I actually feel a weird happiness and serenity.
I've read a couple of books by Eric Wilson; an author who "suffers" from it as well.
Take care.
posted by foxhat10 at 6:35 PM on May 24, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
For me this happened after ending a really bad, even controlling, relationship that I'd let drag on for far too long. My mind was happy. The world was opening up again. I had just met two women who are now my very close friends. I had started dating again. And my playlist was incredibly bleak. I would take long afternoons off and do nothing but watch the sun patterns in my room change and listen to that music, which made me feel happy.
A depressing playlist and other symptoms like that probably means that on some level, you're grieving the loss of your old life.
posted by salvia at 2:02 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]