How should I tell a therapist I don't want to see her anymore?

May 3, 2011 5:29 PM

I'm most likely over-thinking this, but I'm having trouble phrasing the email I need to send to a therapist I just started seeing letting her know that I've decided not to continue with her.

I've only seen her twice. The first time, I wasn't sure if we were a fit but some of our talking seemed to relieve my anxiety, so I figured it was worth going back again. The second time, I felt like we hardly had any rapport. I was sick, so that didn't help, but she kept on putting words in my mouth and being very directive with the conversation, even after I asked her not to.

I could go back and see if we can figure out a better way to communicate, but that just seems like putting too much work (and money) into a relationship that I have no reason I need to invest in. I'd rather look for another therapist who is a better fit. Though, really, I've realized I'd rather put my energy and money into other things right now anyway -- while therapy was transformative for me in the past, I think now meditation and yoga and being outdoors are more what I need to relieve my anxiety and feel re-connected to myself.

So...what should I say to her? Just that I'm canceling our next appointment and don't want to reschedule it? Should I explain that I didn't think we're a good fit (she knows I felt frustrated by her approach at the last session)? Or should I explain that I realized therapy isn't really what I need right now anyway? If it were any other kind of "service," I'd feel comfortable canceling without more explanation, but therapy just seems too personal a thing for that.

I know that being direct and assertive is one of the things I need to work on myself, so this seems like it's a good opportunity to practice. I tend to worry too much about how other people will feel...but I don't want to disregard her feelings entirely either. What should I say to her?

posted by zahava to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: I agree with Bwithh. This won't be personal for her. As for wording, I suggest something along the lines of:

Dear therapist,

I'm writing to let you know I've decided not to continue therapy at this point, so I would like to cancel our next appointment and not reschedule. If I change my mind in the future, I will let you know.

I appreciate your work with me so far, and I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks,
zahava
posted by pupstocks at 5:43 PM on May 3, 2011 [10 favorites]

I agree with short and sweet: you're canceling your appointment and if and when you're ready to reschedule you'll be back in touch. Wish her "all the best" and sign off. While I appreciate your desire to work on being assertive, I don't think you'll really be getting anything of doing that at this time; rather, it might just draw out contact and to what end? You still don't want to see her (or any therapist right now) -- and that's all there is to it. Therapists are used to people dropping in and out all the time (or at least that's what my former therapist told me). If you had a longer-term relationship it might warrant a more extensive explanation, but after two visits you don't owe her anything beyond a courteous appointment cancellation.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 5:43 PM on May 3, 2011

or you could say "if things change" rather than "if I change my mind" ... etc.
posted by pupstocks at 5:43 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's her job, she does it for money, write to her like you would to a plumber saying it's ok but you got someone else to fix your tap.
posted by joannemullen at 5:44 PM on May 3, 2011

"Hi therapist, I going to have to cancel our next appointment. I just don't feel like we are a good fit, thanks!"
posted by magnetsphere at 5:44 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Dear X, I don't feel that you are the right choice for me at this time. Please cancel all of my upcoming appointments. Regards, zahava"

If you have multiple appointments scheduled, do be clear that you want to cancel them all.

This is not so personal for the therapist. If they feel hurt by you canceling after two sessions, it's likely to be more of a financial hurt than an emotional one, which is hardly anything you need to worry about addressing in your email.
posted by yohko at 5:45 PM on May 3, 2011

I really doubt she actually cares or is going to give it any shot -- she's a professional, it's not like you're dumping here. Just say you're canceling and will not be rescheduling.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:45 PM on May 3, 2011

Hi X,
Thanks for taking the time to meet with me. I wanted to let you know I've decided to go in another direction with regard to my needs but I appreciate your talking to me.

All the best,
Z
posted by A Terrible Llama at 5:53 PM on May 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

If you really want to work on your assertiveness call her--ask her to call back, if necessary, because you are cancelling the next appointment and want to tell her personally. All you need to say is that you are cancelling and do not wish to reschedule. If she asks why (which is unlikely) just state that it was not a good fit for you. Period. If she is professional she will thoroughly understand and thank you for calling. If she is not professional it is probably best you not work together any way. Good Luck I can almost promise you, you will feel good about yourself for having called her directly
posted by rmhsinc at 5:58 PM on May 3, 2011

Best answer: I've been in the same situation: I knew after two therapy sessions I had to find a different therapist.

I also agonize over this kind of communication — I feel bad when I switch hairstylists!

With the therapist, I said something extremely terse, not harsh, but not trying to soften it up either, and not offering any explanation (even though I was quite capable of articulating the reason — in fact, I explained it on this very website). It went something like this:

Hi, Thelma. I'm sorry to say I don't think this is going to work out, so I'm going to have to cancel our upcoming appointment.

Best,
Zahava

posted by jejune at 6:01 PM on May 3, 2011

Best answer: Hi. I'm a therapist (but not yours, etc.) If all you want to do is quit, just quit. Doesn't take that many words. Since this is obvious and you didn't notice, you must want more than that. Do you want her to think you really mean it (because you don't quite believe it?) Do you want her to not hate you? Do you want her to not argue with you about it? "This is something we should discus in person. Please come in for one last session so we can do so." What would you say and what would you feel if she says that?

As far as disregarding her feelings is concerned, her job, even as you're quitting her is to take what you say and not fall apart, and you should assume she can handle it. Will she like it? No. Will it ruin her day? Not likely.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:10 PM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you all! I appreciate the reality check a lot.

(Obscure reference -- yes, I don't want her to dislike me or argue with me about it, but I know it's actually okay for someone to dislike me, and if she wants to talk about it more I can just say I'd rather not.)
posted by zahava at 7:10 PM on May 3, 2011

Dear Therapist,

Thank you so much for your time and help to date. I would like to cancel my future appointments, as I've decided to take a different approach for moving forward.

All the best,
You
posted by salvia at 7:57 PM on May 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

In answer to your expicit question, I agree with the general sentiment: just quit.

However, if it were me, I'd do a gut check. Do I want to quit because it's getting uncomfortably close to my issues?

There's no anxiety-free way of dealing with anxiety.
posted by perspicio at 12:37 AM on May 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

The only thing I would add is "After considerable thought ..." ...and have that be true. Good luck.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:24 AM on May 4, 2011