How to be a depressed but functioning employee

April 29, 2011 12:25 PM

I royally screwed up at work. This isn't the first time. Depression may be partially causing it. What do I say to my boss? Can I change? How?

I've been slipping up at work a lot lately. I finally made a huge mistake involving customers. My boss has sent me a long email detailing my pattern of late and has requested a meeting with me and the senior manager. This has happened before a year and half ago. I was really depressed at that time. I'm talking daylong melancholy every day with no interest in any aspect of my life. I could barely get myself to work. Looking back I figured out I was burnt out, lonely at work (explained below) and at home with few friends. I hate to say a guy was involved but a guy was involved. There was a tumultuous affair and bad breakup that left me in an emotional hole.

I slowly regained my energy and confidence. I made good progress at work last year and achieved things that has impressed and made my boss happy. Somewhere, somehow, I started to regress. It may have started with my promotion getting blocked due to my boss taking and logging repremansive actions for my poor performance from before. I beat myself over it and felt terrible about this setback. I'm also stressing out about work and adult responsibilities, making LIFE decisions and my relationship. Suddenly, the weight of it all got too heavy and I had a meltdown earlier this month. I haven't fully recovered and have been doing a shit job at work in the meantime. I should probably mention my boyfriend and I broke up last night. I'm handling that and my depression better this time around.

I should also mention I'm lazy and have poor attention to detail/lack thoroughness. I won't blame it all on depression though it seems to escalate my bad habits. Someone said I can't possibly be that lazy if I graduated from a good college with a high GPA and landed a job at one of the best companies to work for. Perhaps but when coupled with my work environment, it has resulted in my developing a poor work ethic.

This is my first full time job and I've been struggling with it since I started a few years ago. Part of it is because I have a long drive to the middle of nowhere and sit in an office by myself every day. My team members are scattered across the country. When I say every day, I really mean some days. Without oversight, it's easy for me to be lazy and (barely) work from home. I've recently been called out by my boss for not being reachable during critical issues. It's completely unacceptable and a fire-able offense. I don't know why I keep doing it. Maybe it's because no one is watching me and I'm trying to get away with as much as I can.

Another part is I'm the only person who do what I do on my team. I have no friggin clue what I'm doing half the time and I believe I may have more responsibilities than most of my peers out of college. It has caused my stress level to sky rocket but I tell myself to suck it up, figure it out, work longer hours if need be and keep going. All my coworkers are smart, hardworking people. I've been blessed with a team that brings their A game every day and there's no office drama or politics. However, this makes me feel additional pressure for me to churn out A+ results. It's been hard to work without peer reviews; I can't catch everything. I feel like there's no one to help me. But my coworkers don't seem to have this problem. Maybe they are just more experienced. When I shine, I really shine. But I can't seem to keep it up for long. I give up and go back to making mistakes. This in turn makes me feel even more dejected and pressured.

TL;DR. My work environment is such that I have no physical oversight and thus filled with temptation to slack off. Combined with my lack thoroughness and poor attention to detail, I've developed a poor work ethic. For the most part, I've managed to do good but still make mistakes here and there. Lately, I've been stressed and depressed which has led to being distracted while at work which escalates some already bad habits. I f**ked up big regarding some customers and my boss hasn't forgotten the numerous smaller incidences this month. Something similar happened a year and half ago when I was also seriously depressed and made lots of mistakes with one big mistake triggering a serious conversation with the bosses.

The above could be used to defend myself but I don't want to make excuses. I know the bosses will ask for the cause of my poor performance. How can I explain I've been having a hard time with my job? It sounds like they will discuss some sort of action to prevent further poor performance. They will likely ask for my input along the lines of what do I need or they need to do. What should I say? I'm no longer a fresh grad FFS that needs to be babysat. But considering the temptations and my tendencies, I need them to be more hands on, I need more people checking my work and I really hate to ask that. Is there a way to word that nicely? What's an alternative? I've made it my goal to go to the office every day and will aim to leave my personal problems at home. Any suggestions as to how to turn my work ethic around? How can I shut down my emotions and go into serious work mode for 8 hours every day? These two are the big incidences but I feel down every now and then and my productivity dips and mistakes are made. Pre-empting therapy suggestions. I have a whole boatload of issues but this is specifically about how to face my bosses and improve my performance in the long run.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (10 answers total)

You should definitely talk to a therapist or a doctor ASAP about depression/anxiety. When it impacts your work like this, it's a problem.
posted by alphanerd at 12:42 PM on April 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

The easy solution to this (and the way to get back in your boss's good graces) is to start reporting on everything you do. You need to do this, though. If you expect your boss to hold you accountable for over-reporting, you're going to end up fired.

As for the meeting with your boss and the senior manager, be ready to hear how your behavior is unacceptable, and be ready to be fired or placed on probation. If you are not fired, make them give you _behaviors_ that are unacceptable. "Being lazy" isn't a behavior, it's a judgment. Behaviors mean there is an objective measure of whether you met expectations or not. You either did X or you did not. Get the list of behavioral changes in writing.

Feel free to explain that you feel depressed and in over your head, but state that you are committed to making the necessary changes in behavior. Don't dwell on what you did; can't change that. Managers are worried about results.

Additionally, contact HR for information on your employer's employee assistance program and get a referral to a therapist. Let your bosses know that you contacted HR for this. Let them know that this is another behavior change you are committing to.

Tell your bosses that you don't feel you should be permitted to work from home. Just say it. They will appreciate you owning up to that, and will not permit you to do it.

And commit to the changes, or start looking for a new job in a more relaxed environment.

Finally, build a peer network that can advise you when you have issues with overwhelming tasks. Start with me. MeMail me anytime and I will be happy to give you my take on whatever you're dealing with. I'm not your therapist, but I'm a reasonably savvy manager and know the behaviors I want to see out of my employees.

Basically, the way to fix this is to take ownership of fixing it. You don't get to create more work for your boss -- your boss delegates to you. You need to bootstrap some motivation to get yourself out of the hole you've dug.
posted by bfranklin at 12:47 PM on April 29, 2011 [11 favorites]

You definitely need professional help. There's a lot here and there's no way that mefi could help you out of this jam completely. Here are the things you need to do:

1.) Recognize that this: I should also mention I'm lazy and have poor attention to detail/lack thoroughness. is your problem - but not in the way that you think. This self-criticism is how a negative cycle of inaction starts. You paint yourself as lazy and as someone with poor attention. You are not that. You have moments, behaviors, and these behaviors have triggers. It's not your ex-boyfriend, or your circumstances. It's this - this unrealistic self-criticism, that paralyzes you.

2.) Go to this website and find yourself a therapist, stat. Tell this therapist all that you've just told us. Not only do you not have to do this alone, you shouldn't! You deserve help out of this hole.

3.) Pick up a copy of Feeling Good as soon as you can. If you don't want to do that, at least read this link.

4.) When you talk to your boss and your sr. manager, accept responsibility for any specific balls that you've dropped, but don't mention the things in your personal life. Simply say "I recognize that my performance has been sub-par in recent weeks and I apologize for it. I'm well aware of it and will not make a mistake like that again." And then - follow through!
posted by pazazygeek at 12:49 PM on April 29, 2011 [5 favorites]

Do you actually want to work where you do? Do you like it? I lost a decent paying job that I hated, oh, 2 years ago. Shortly after that my long term relationship ended. I lost the house and the kitties. I'm back in school, working in my neighborhood pizza place, spending all my free time pursuing the things I like (biking, jogging, reading, going to 2nd run movies, camping, too much coffee) and while my life isn't exactly as I'd like it (i miss my gf a hell of a lot) not going to that fucking job has been the most awesome thing.

I feel like our stories have parallels, up to a point. For me, losing that job was seriously a blessing. I don't make as much as I did then, but I don't think I realized was a storm cloud that place was in my life until I left. Maybe it's the same for you? Life is not a job, life is more important than your job.
posted by rainperimeter at 12:49 PM on April 29, 2011 [7 favorites]

It sounds like there are some specific things that would help you better a performer:
1. you need a mentor - someone who knows your job who you can go to with questions when you don't know the best way to approach a problem.
2. admit that there has been some recent personal problems that have affected your performance. You are serious about things back on track and it would help you in this process if you had more accountability - propose that for the next x days, you will send your boss an email summarizing what you did for the day. Boss doesn't need to do anything in particular but knowing you that he knows what is going on will help you be more focused
3. go to lunch with your co-workers. find out more about their jobs and how they handle it. Are they really as perfect as you think? If they are, how do they do it?
4. it may not be practical but is there way a you trade off peer review with a co-woker even if it isn't exactly his/her job?

Also, get thee to both a doctor and therapist. Ask about ADD as well as depression. Problems with attention to detail and widely inconsistent performance make me wonder if ADD might be involved too. Don't know but it is worth asking.
posted by metahawk at 12:59 PM on April 29, 2011

I totally feel for you. I've had one meltdown this year and another one a few years back, and although they sucked total ass they've helped me focus on what I can do to be better.

First: step back and take a breath. Maybe something horrible will happen, maybe it won't; either way, you've recognized that your depression may have a big role in it. That's a huge first step, and one that could help you a lot as you figure out how to do things better.

Before you go into your meeting with your boss, put some effort into figuring out a few things. Identify what specific aspects of your job are difficult for you and how your depression affects these things. If you can, make a plan to address at least one or two of these items, even if you aren't sure that this intervention will do the trick.

Then develop a plan to bring into the meeting. You've probably got a good start with the concerns that your boss has raised. Pre-empt the discussion as much as possible to show them that you're aware of what's going on and are actively trying to make it better. Go through the list item by item, if possible; even if you can't or don't want to get nitpicky, maybe there are some themes that you can discuss.

Tell them what you are doing to address these issues. Examples:
--I am coming in this weekend to clear out my backlog and get a fresh start.
--I am taking a class on organization and stress reduction.
--I am scaling back on committee meetings until I catch up with this work.
--I am seeing my doctor to address some of the concerns I have about stress [and possible depression, if you feel comfortable mentioning that].
--I would like to identify a more senior member of the office as a mentor to help me navigate some of these responsibilities.
--I would like a weekly meeting to check in and go down the list of what's on my plate this week.

Also, remember that they may be your friends and collaborators, but above all they need the work to be done. (Which, I imagine, is probably the main thing you beat yourself up about.) If you say something like, "I think my skills are more in the area of X, and it's hard to do Y," that might be an option, but only if you can figure out how X might get done in a way that won't cause the others more work.

PLEASE don't discount therapy. Even if you're not ready to discuss some of your "boatload" of issues, this is a good time to start with some of the things that seem encapsulated at work. Furthermore, if your company has any sort of "coaching" or mentoring skills available, having a third-party perspective can be critical to seeing yourself in a new way.

Also, please remember that compartmentalizing things is unfortunately a great way to dis-integrate yourself and build up cognitive dissonance inside. (I made this comment in another thread, which might give a little more background.) Every part of your life affects every other part of your life. You can't really control it. Sure, you want to be professional at the office, but how can you do your work if you can't stop thinking about something that happened after dinner last night? You're the same person inside and out of the office. Keeping up anything else can be very tiring, especially to an already-taxed mind and body.

Finally: remember that everyone, even (especially) the people who seem the most together, has problems of their own that you don't know about. Be compassionate to other people and more compassionate to yourself, and hopefully they will be more compassionate to you. Reach out for help; the human experience can be much more forgiving than you might think.

Don't define yourself by these things. It's very hard to break out of a self-created identity that says "I do great... when I don't fuck up." Every day is a new start.

(Feel free to MeMail me, if you'd like.)
posted by Madamina at 12:59 PM on April 29, 2011 [5 favorites]

And yes, you sound an awful lot like me, and I have ADD too.
posted by Madamina at 1:09 PM on April 29, 2011

Think about what you can do to improve the situation - not work from home, produce weekly highlight reports (whether your boss wants to see them or not, it's a good discipline) - think about what working environment makes you bring your A+ game!

Think about what your boss can do to get the best out of you - it's not all your responsibility (though you need to play your part).

And as well as acknowledging things that haven't gone well, make sure that you keep a log of things that have gone well, and make sure your boss knows about them. It's very easy to focus on things that have gone wrong, and things you could have done better, but it's also important to recognise when you've done a good job, so that you can promote yourself, but also so you can think about what the circumstances were that made that happen, and try and get yourself into that situation more often.

In your current situation, it sounds like you need to (a) recognise what in particular hasn't been working well, (b) have a plan (things you will do, but also things you want support from your boss on) that will get you back on track, and (c) highlight things that have gone well - don't just focus the meeting on the problems, make sure that you get the good things in as well.

Good luck.
posted by finding.perdita at 4:48 PM on April 29, 2011

You have a good grasp here on some of what is creating challenges for you. I'd turn that into an action plan for improvement:

-- Strategy: Create more daily structure to boost productivity
:::::: Action 1: Work from office every day
:::::: Action 2: Report on accomplishments daily and weekly

Strategy: Clarify goals and work priorities*
:::::: Action 1: Create six-month workplan in consultation with manager
:::::: Action 2: Re-prioritize activities with manager on a monthly basis to adjust to changing circumstances and to ensure workload remains manageable

-- Strategy: Create peer support and work review network
:::::: Action 1: Join Society of Ohio Demographers and attend monthly brownbag luncheons
:::::: Action 2: Meet with Organization's demographer in NY office and identify steps for supporting one another
- Action 3: Research and select a training to ensure work follows industry best practices

-- Strategy: Address personal health issues that contribute to low energy
:::::: Action 1: Seek medical advice towards greater energy and improved coping in the interim
:::::: Action 2: Meet with HR about organizational resources for accommodating health challenges**

Take responsibility for screwing up, explain your desire to fully turn the situation around, and ask to check in about your progress on this in six months.

Meanwhile, start seeking a job with more structure and support. I think that could help A LOT.

* Prioritization is code for "too much work!"
** The HR bit and the legal terms of art may be inadvisable. Hopefully others will say, if so. But I suggest you find a way of saying "I am having a hard time now and need a little bit of understanding" without inviting them to pry directly into your business.
posted by salvia at 5:20 PM on April 29, 2011

The other thing is, what is up with the bits about trying to get away with as much as possible and with intentionally doing fireable offenses? I'm curious. Are you trying to get fired? Are you angry at them and acting out? Do you have a history of self-sabotage? To me, that's an issue distinct from "sometimes my bad habits get the best of me."

But don't beat yourself up. I can relate to your post in several ways, and my life got much better once I spent several years in a full-time office job with lots of structure and support. Find an environment in which your best side comes out and you can thrive.
posted by salvia at 5:26 PM on April 29, 2011