How to deal with re-emergence of a braggy friend?
April 17, 2011 7:08 PM Subscribe
What do you do with a "friend" who gets you down but you'd like to keep as a professional connection?
This is an update to my thread about the crush/ex friend-with-benefits I couldn't get over. I followed the advice I got on here and didn't contact him again. I was finally forgetting him, and I didn't think I'd hear from him again since I've always been the initiator, at least not before I moved to NY (where he now lives). But a few days ago, which was about six weeks after our last correspondence, he emailed me with something to the effect of: "we haven't spoken in awhile, how are you doing?" I sent back a two liner that wasn't exactly enthused.
He responded with a text dump of gloating about how busy he is and how great his NY life is. Again I wrote back a pretty short message to which he responded with another email that might have well as been a "wish you were!" postcard from a tropical paradise.
I know it seems trivial, but reading the emails got me down. I've been happier recently, happier than I've been in awhile, and his emails punctured my happy bubble. For some reason, whatever this guy does has a potent, and mostly negative, effect on me. Lately I've been productive and motivated, and now I'm comparing myself to him again and feeling like I fall short.
I'm not sure what to do. I am still reluctant to snub him by ignoring his messages since he's the only good professional connection I've got for when I move to NY. He's a great resource. I'm very shy and I don't come by connections very often. I assumed if I didn't initiate I wouldn't have to deal with him between then and now.
I don't know what to make of his motives. It's quite possible the extreme bragging was unintentional absentmindedness, the way some guys will just talk on about themselves. It also seems possible he was being competitive or trying to milk me for ego strokes.
You guys had great advice last time that helped me, so I'm hoping you might be able to offer me some guidance again.
This is an update to my thread about the crush/ex friend-with-benefits I couldn't get over. I followed the advice I got on here and didn't contact him again. I was finally forgetting him, and I didn't think I'd hear from him again since I've always been the initiator, at least not before I moved to NY (where he now lives). But a few days ago, which was about six weeks after our last correspondence, he emailed me with something to the effect of: "we haven't spoken in awhile, how are you doing?" I sent back a two liner that wasn't exactly enthused.
He responded with a text dump of gloating about how busy he is and how great his NY life is. Again I wrote back a pretty short message to which he responded with another email that might have well as been a "wish you were!" postcard from a tropical paradise.
I know it seems trivial, but reading the emails got me down. I've been happier recently, happier than I've been in awhile, and his emails punctured my happy bubble. For some reason, whatever this guy does has a potent, and mostly negative, effect on me. Lately I've been productive and motivated, and now I'm comparing myself to him again and feeling like I fall short.
I'm not sure what to do. I am still reluctant to snub him by ignoring his messages since he's the only good professional connection I've got for when I move to NY. He's a great resource. I'm very shy and I don't come by connections very often. I assumed if I didn't initiate I wouldn't have to deal with him between then and now.
I don't know what to make of his motives. It's quite possible the extreme bragging was unintentional absentmindedness, the way some guys will just talk on about themselves. It also seems possible he was being competitive or trying to milk me for ego strokes.
You guys had great advice last time that helped me, so I'm hoping you might be able to offer me some guidance again.
What Pinky said.
You need this guy like you need swine flu.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:24 PM on April 17, 2011
You need this guy like you need swine flu.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:24 PM on April 17, 2011
Wow, you're really going through a rough patch, aren't you? And a major life change is on the horizon.
I understand that his messages hurt you and depressed you. You were finally on track, and this seemed to just yank you back to square one. But you're not on square one. You know now that interacting with him isn't beneficial to you, and that's important. If you really think this guy might be a helpful contact, you'll have to face a few more slaps in the heart. Only you can determine if you can take it, and if it's worth it. And as ThePinkSuperhero and St. Alia said, NYC is a pretty big town, full of genuine, useful professional contacts. It might be an idea to start reaching out via LinkedIn or a professional organization and see if you can't generate some real leads to people who aren't emotional baggage to you.
P.S. You know, it may be that he wasn't bragging or trying to hurt you. He initiated contact this time, and when your response "wasn't exactly enthused", he may have been trying to head you off at the "be my friend with benefits again/I need you/I am lonely" pass. Before you move to NYC. So, he misread the tenor of your reply and overcompensated. Not that that doesn't make him insensitive... Try and breathe and let it go. Get back on track.
posted by likeso at 7:36 PM on April 17, 2011
I understand that his messages hurt you and depressed you. You were finally on track, and this seemed to just yank you back to square one. But you're not on square one. You know now that interacting with him isn't beneficial to you, and that's important. If you really think this guy might be a helpful contact, you'll have to face a few more slaps in the heart. Only you can determine if you can take it, and if it's worth it. And as ThePinkSuperhero and St. Alia said, NYC is a pretty big town, full of genuine, useful professional contacts. It might be an idea to start reaching out via LinkedIn or a professional organization and see if you can't generate some real leads to people who aren't emotional baggage to you.
P.S. You know, it may be that he wasn't bragging or trying to hurt you. He initiated contact this time, and when your response "wasn't exactly enthused", he may have been trying to head you off at the "be my friend with benefits again/I need you/I am lonely" pass. Before you move to NYC. So, he misread the tenor of your reply and overcompensated. Not that that doesn't make him insensitive... Try and breathe and let it go. Get back on track.
posted by likeso at 7:36 PM on April 17, 2011
This guy isn't the problem - it is your automatic reaction to anything upbeat that he sends you. So, you don't need him to change and you don't need to ignore, you just need to reprogram your response to his messages. Instead of thinking, "his life is better than mine, I am a failure" pick a different thought and practice it whenever thoughts of him drift into your mind. Here are some samples - better yet if you make up your own.
- Millions of people are doing better than me, millions are doing worse - why should I bother to compare myself to this guy?
- Go with the image of a picture postcard from a tropical island. Have you ever known anyone who sent a postcard complaining about mosquitos, stolen wallets, diarreha and so on. When you read an email from him, visualize a flat minature version of him on the front of a postcard waving at you saying "everything is wonderful" while bad stuff is happening in the background of the postcard (tropical hut burning to the ground??) Make yourself laugh.
- Give yourself x minutes to mope and then go do something that makes you feel productive. If you think about him again, tell yourself "moping time is up - time to get back to my own life, which happens to suit me, thank you very much"
In the meanwhile bland, trivial response are appropriate.
posted by metahawk at 7:37 PM on April 17, 2011 [7 favorites]
- Millions of people are doing better than me, millions are doing worse - why should I bother to compare myself to this guy?
- Go with the image of a picture postcard from a tropical island. Have you ever known anyone who sent a postcard complaining about mosquitos, stolen wallets, diarreha and so on. When you read an email from him, visualize a flat minature version of him on the front of a postcard waving at you saying "everything is wonderful" while bad stuff is happening in the background of the postcard (tropical hut burning to the ground??) Make yourself laugh.
- Give yourself x minutes to mope and then go do something that makes you feel productive. If you think about him again, tell yourself "moping time is up - time to get back to my own life, which happens to suit me, thank you very much"
In the meanwhile bland, trivial response are appropriate.
posted by metahawk at 7:37 PM on April 17, 2011 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: @likeso, I'm sort of confused by what you meant in your PS.
posted by timsneezed at 7:46 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by timsneezed at 7:46 PM on April 17, 2011
I have allergies. When I'm in contact with allergens I feel like crap. So I protect myself and the best way to do that is to simply avoid contact. I can medicate, but really nothing is as good as the absence of contact with the thing that makes me sick.
This guy is like an allergy to you. Avoid contact. Consider it a matter of your health and avoid things that make you unhappy.
You were on the right path. Don't let his gloat-o-grams derail you. Avoid the dude.
posted by 26.2 at 7:57 PM on April 17, 2011
This guy is like an allergy to you. Avoid contact. Consider it a matter of your health and avoid things that make you unhappy.
You were on the right path. Don't let his gloat-o-grams derail you. Avoid the dude.
posted by 26.2 at 7:57 PM on April 17, 2011
You're probably better off, success wise, opting for emotional health by being free of him even if you're sacrificing whatever (probably limited if he's 22) help this guy could provide.
posted by geegollygosh at 8:15 PM on April 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by geegollygosh at 8:15 PM on April 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
OP, I meant that you may have reading into his replies, thinking he was bragging and gloating, while he may have just been pre-emptively defining boundaries. You know, "yeah I contacted you first, but no, I don't want this contact to go very deep - I'm fine, you might not be and I'm not available to be anything meaningful to you, but let's keep in touch, keep it light, no hard feelings" kind of thing.
posted by likeso at 8:20 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by likeso at 8:20 PM on April 17, 2011
Best answer: Don't worry about the consequences of letting the correspondence drop. Go ahead and drop it. Here's why:
1. If necessary, you can find plenty of other useful resources in NYC.
2. He cannot actually be a useful resource to you anyway as long as you're still hung up on him enough that you react to him like this.
3. Therefore, dropping the correspondence will work both to make you feel better now (because you're still obsessed enough that even innocuous observations from him make you feel bad); and it will also be the only way to get to a place where he could conceivably be useful to you in the future.
These hangups happen to the best of us. They are healed by time and/or new boyfriends and/or other engaging projects which you enjoy and at which you are successful. Good luck and just let your thing for him fade out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:27 PM on April 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
1. If necessary, you can find plenty of other useful resources in NYC.
2. He cannot actually be a useful resource to you anyway as long as you're still hung up on him enough that you react to him like this.
3. Therefore, dropping the correspondence will work both to make you feel better now (because you're still obsessed enough that even innocuous observations from him make you feel bad); and it will also be the only way to get to a place where he could conceivably be useful to you in the future.
These hangups happen to the best of us. They are healed by time and/or new boyfriends and/or other engaging projects which you enjoy and at which you are successful. Good luck and just let your thing for him fade out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:27 PM on April 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me like the guy was trying to impress you for whatever reason, not make you jealous of him. But since you are not happy with yourself, this is the reaction you have to him. It sounds like you are really down on yourself and have no confidence in your abilities, and that is the main problem.
If you can't handle his gushing about how great his life is going, don't respond to his mail at all. Your short replies to him aren't helping and you don't want to burn the bridge. Fair enough. When it comes time to move to NYC and you still want to use him as a professional connection (hopefully not to work wherever he does!), you can just explain that you were so busy with all your work and preparing for the move, be polite, get the referral or whatever he might be giving to you and take it from there.
I was reading earlier today about why so often people are attracted to people who are obviously not good for them, and one of the most common responses was because they represent something about you that you wish you could be. Since you did say you thought that about him in one of your previous questions, maybe it would help to keep that in mind, and it could help you build a stronger emotional shield around yourself when it comes to interacting with him, until you are happier with yourself and what you are doing. If you find it impossible, it's okay to silently drop him and focus on making new friends in NY.
posted by wondermouse at 8:48 PM on April 17, 2011
If you can't handle his gushing about how great his life is going, don't respond to his mail at all. Your short replies to him aren't helping and you don't want to burn the bridge. Fair enough. When it comes time to move to NYC and you still want to use him as a professional connection (hopefully not to work wherever he does!), you can just explain that you were so busy with all your work and preparing for the move, be polite, get the referral or whatever he might be giving to you and take it from there.
I was reading earlier today about why so often people are attracted to people who are obviously not good for them, and one of the most common responses was because they represent something about you that you wish you could be. Since you did say you thought that about him in one of your previous questions, maybe it would help to keep that in mind, and it could help you build a stronger emotional shield around yourself when it comes to interacting with him, until you are happier with yourself and what you are doing. If you find it impossible, it's okay to silently drop him and focus on making new friends in NY.
posted by wondermouse at 8:48 PM on April 17, 2011
Once upon a time, I said this:
"Jesus, he's doing ti to make you feel bad, just like he did when you were together. Fuck that guy."
It doesn't fit the circumstances exactly, but the advice still stands. You need connections with this guy like you need venereal disease.
posted by notsnot at 8:55 PM on April 17, 2011
"Jesus, he's doing ti to make you feel bad, just like he did when you were together. Fuck that guy."
It doesn't fit the circumstances exactly, but the advice still stands. You need connections with this guy like you need venereal disease.
posted by notsnot at 8:55 PM on April 17, 2011
This was the question/answers I was reading earlier today that I mentioned. Maybe some of that advice would be helpful to you also with this guy.
posted by wondermouse at 9:56 PM on April 17, 2011
posted by wondermouse at 9:56 PM on April 17, 2011
Best answer: I actually think this guy could be overstating things somewhat. You mentioned in your last post the other girl/s he was seeing. I think his fabulous hectic life is purely for your benefit so you'll wonder what you're missing out on. If things are so great and he's so busy, and his dating life is so fantastic why is he bothering to contact someone he dumped earlier for his new wonderful life? I actually think he's moved to the big city and he's probably a bit overwhelmed and a bit lonely and what better ego boost than to yank the string of someone who you hope is still pining for you?
People who are genuinely busy, happy and have moved on don't normally need the validation of rubbing it in the face of someone that they left behind. I think it's important for him to feel like you're still waiting for whatever crumbs he throws you. Don't give him the satisfaction, develop your own wonderful life. When he never hears back from you and figures that you've moved onto bigger and better things, maybe he will think twice before treating someone else like that.
posted by Jubey at 1:01 AM on April 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
People who are genuinely busy, happy and have moved on don't normally need the validation of rubbing it in the face of someone that they left behind. I think it's important for him to feel like you're still waiting for whatever crumbs he throws you. Don't give him the satisfaction, develop your own wonderful life. When he never hears back from you and figures that you've moved onto bigger and better things, maybe he will think twice before treating someone else like that.
posted by Jubey at 1:01 AM on April 18, 2011 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:23 PM on April 17, 2011 [6 favorites]