I Do! Now Go Home.

April 8, 2011 3:45 PM

Living Together Apart: getting married and maintaining separate residences: crazy? awesome?

My partner (male, early 40s) and I (female, late 30s) have been together 5+ years and do not live together. For various reasons, largely relating to our wildly incompatible living styles (him: slob, me: obsessively tidy) and my intense need for large amounts of alone time, we are unlikely to ever live together. Still, we love each other deeply, have a good relationship, good sex life, and have recently started talking about getting married someday. Maybe. Other than the living together part of the equation, it seems like a good next step.

But is it a ridiculous idea to pursue with cohabitation completely off the table? I keep asking myself, "why do you want to get married? What would change in your relationship?" What I think is that it would make me very happy if we were family. It would make me happy to feel like we are permanent. Of course, there are all the legal implications of inheritance and insurance and other related family rights, but more than that I feel like I want to be permanently part of his life as his wife, and he as my husband. Just not in the same house.

Is this nuts? I know that a marriage is what two people agree it should be, but I feel weird making a life change that is so off the beaten path. Do you know anyone personally who has done this? Sure, there's the Woody/Mia example, but I'm looking for real, sane, non-celebrity experiences.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (47 answers total)

I personally think it's nuts, but that's not what marriage means to me. If it's what marriage means to you and your partner, go for it. My answer would change if their were kids involved.
posted by crankylex at 3:52 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

Cohabitation isn't for every committed couple, just like sleeping in the same bed the same hours every night isn't for every committed couple or sharing bank accounts isn't for every committed couple. If you are both happy with your relationship being conducted between two households instead of one (and it sounds like you are) AND you both want the emotional, legal, and financial benefits of marriage (and it sounds like you might), then I think it's a perfectly fine idea worth pursuing.

To me, the fact that it's unusual just says more about our society's expectations of What A Married Couple Must Be than what it says about you guys.
posted by scody at 3:54 PM on April 8, 2011 [26 favorites]

FWIW, my SO and I have said that if we ever get married, maintaining separate residences is very attractive to us. We haven't tried it, though.

It's not crazy, at all, to me.
posted by jayder at 3:54 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

While I don't know of any married couples who live apart, I do know a few who maintain separate bedrooms in the same house. From what they tell me, they get their free space and better sleep. (Plus, I hear sleepover-sex is aweeeesome.)

Perhaps a home with two suites or a duplex might be a compromise?
posted by Cat Face at 3:57 PM on April 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

I think it's fine. Traditionally when people do this this they do it within the same house but have separate quarters. That's potentially something to think about if you feel you must be under the same roof, but would obviously require a move to a single, larger residence.

There's nothing to say that a married couple has to live together or even see each other regularly - it's really up to the couple to set the groundrules for their own relationship needs.
posted by mleigh at 3:58 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I have a friend whose father and stepmother have done this quite successfully for ~10 years now. Sometimes they're at his place, sometimes they're at her place, sometimes they're each in their own place, sometimes they're on vacation separately or together. Their homes are about 2 hours apart.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:59 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

If it works for you, it works for you - no big deal; do your thing. It's strange, but then humans are strange.

There may also be ways for you to do this that make you feel more comfortable about it, while maintaining the separation you say you need - for example, I live in a city that has a lot of houses subdivided into apartments; I could imagine myself living upstairs and my spouse living downstairs, and then we could see each other when we wanted to easily, while staying as separate as we needed to be.

Or, find a big enough place that - for example - you could live on the 2nd floor of a house, him on the 3rd floor, and share the 1st floor which you hire a cleaning service to come through and straighten up so his slob-ness doesn't intrude too much into your need for neatness. Get a house you can add a separate entrance to one of the suites, if you need that.

Or just live entirely separately. But I absolutely understand the desire to have a living situation that you don't have to explain to people, and the most common way, I think, that couples similar to you handle this is to have "one home" that has stark divisions, so each person can have their own realm from which they can be removed from the other as much as they need.
posted by Tomorrowful at 4:00 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

My closest friend does not live with her husband, and never has. It works exceedingly well for them and for their son. They live a 10 minute drive apart, eat dinner every night, and their 13 year old son has always grown up this way and thinks its a perfectly fine way to live. I concur with his opinion.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:01 PM on April 8, 2011 [9 favorites]

(I think I should also add that maintaining separate houses actually seems not totally uncommon among wealthy people who are on their second marriages and already owned homes).
posted by Ashley801 at 4:03 PM on April 8, 2011

My next door neighbor was married to a man who she had been with for many years but only married when they were both 60 or so. They never lived together and maintained both of their residences (probably about a mile apart) for the duration of their relationship and subsequent marriage (she died recently). It seemed to work really well for them. I believe that the husband spent more time at his wife's place (next door to us) but I think he liked having his own retreat space, too. I can totally see that being a good way for some couples to live.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 4:05 PM on April 8, 2011

I have a friend whose living arrangement is somewhat like this only it wasn't exactly what they wanted, but their individual employment situations kind of made it necessary. They've been married for many years and are still crazy about each other. So, yes, I think it can work, but the key is that both of you have to be absolutely sure you're on board with the idea.
posted by katillathehun at 4:08 PM on April 8, 2011

I don't think you're crazy, but it's clearly an unusual configuration for married life. I've known plenty of long term couples who don't live together, but it's always been for extenuating circumstances like work or family. I've also known plenty of couples who maintain separate bedrooms within the same household, and that's probably considered more normal. I will say that if you plan to have kids, it's probably better for your residences to be at a reasonably close distance.

I think a large part of why what you're suggesting strikes people as so weird is not just because modern society thinks married people should live together, but also because living together signals a certain level of communication, compatibility, and a willingness to compromise. "In sickness and in health" just doesn't ring as true for people if you can't tolerate his dirty socks, which isn't to say that I think there's anything wrong with your relationship! I'm wholly of the opinion that if you're both happy and it works for you, then go for it. Just be prepared for some weird looks. Still, if people can cohabit for years and years without marriage, I don't see why you can't have years and years of a happy marriage without cohabitation.
posted by Diagonalize at 4:09 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine lived for several years in an apartment two blocks away from her husband's. It worked well for them while they were married, in that they never fought about housing issues, and were able to be creative types (artist hours, etc) without disturbing each other.

Then again, they divorced a few years later, for trust-related issues. So maybe there's an argument to be made for giving someone too much space.
posted by egeanin at 4:09 PM on April 8, 2011

Hi. Married person here, living a couple of states away from spouse. After living in the same flat for about 15 years, he moved out to take a better job elsewhere and I stayed here for a bunch of reasons. That was 3 years ago. After an initial adjustment period, it's been working very well (we still like each other!) If we ever move back in together, I think a larger place with enough room to have "his" and "hers" territory would be essential. It's just too nice to have a whole place to yourself with room for all your stuff, and no quarrels over who left what where.

So I think it's quite feasible, although people often assume the marriage is in trouble. You get used to explaining or ignoring this. Like long-distance relationships, separate homes probably only works for people who are pretty secure, calm, non-jealous, trusting and trustworthy. If this sounds like both of you, go for it.
posted by Quietgal at 4:18 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

Does he have to be a slob? Can't you guys just hire a maid?
posted by anniecat at 4:28 PM on April 8, 2011 [3 favorites]

I imagine economics is one of the main driving forces behind cohabitation. Any way you cut it, you don't get the same bang for your buck maintaining two households, and most people prefer to live with a spouse over roommates. If you feel it's worth the expense, why not?
posted by alexei at 4:29 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

According to the IRS and the Census, there are about 4 million couples in the US who are married, but do not share a residence. Some of them, I'm sure, are in the process of divorcing or are separated because of work, but at least some of them are people who just prefer not to live together. Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton have lived for a decade in separate houses with a connected doorway, and they're still together. So you wouldn't be the only one doing this.

Basically, though, there's no reason not to do this if this is what you want. If your relationship works as it is, but you want more legal or moral connection, this sounds like a good way to get it. I wish you all the best.
posted by decathecting at 4:31 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

There was a couple of characters in the Sharon McCone detective series (by Marcia Muller) who were married, but lived separately. What they did was they owned one large house and each lived on one floor, each having their own kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc. My memory is that they were lawyers and in the book, just had very different lifestyles but loved each other deeply.

I realize that is a random idea, but to be honest, I've always found the idea kind of interesting, and wished I knew more about the characters. I don't think it is crazy, and anyone who tells you that a relationship/marriage HAS to be a certain way to be healthy/happy is full of crap.

I think being nearby would be the ticket: adjoining floors or having two houses on the same property or down the street from each other.
posted by arnicae at 4:32 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

No one seems to have addressed your question of what would change if you got married. I can't say what would change between you, but there is one potentially HUGE issue that changes with marriage. If you're married, and one of you is in the hospital, the other one is entitled to information about your condition, and can make decisions on the other's behalf. If you both have Living Wills designating each other as your executors, that will help with the decision-making part. Maybe -- I've heard some horror stories.

But the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) is incredibly restrictive about allowing anyone other than spouses and parents of underage children to learn anything about a patient's condition without the patient's permission; if the patient is unconscious, tough luck. At least in the Pacific Northwest HIPAA is taken very, very seriously, and has resulted in a lot of anxiety and frustration, but there it is. It's the law, and being married is the only way through it.
posted by kestralwing at 4:34 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

i say, whatever works for the two of you ... works! and that's what matters. someone mentioned a concern for kids. i think there are ways to manage this. i have friends in a three-parent situation. the kids live in one house and the parents rotate through and have their "own space residences" elsewhere. it's doable. and the kids have tons of love in their lives and are good kids. (this is not the life i want for myself, but it can work - you and your sweetie are the best judge of what feels good/makes sense).
posted by anya32 at 4:39 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

I think this would be awesome, if you owned a duplex/semi-detached and each had one identical side of the house. I think it is important to have an actual, physical door connecting your places, though :)
posted by Acer_saccharum at 4:39 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

You would be living the dream! Look, there is nothing wrong having your residences be nearby and sharing space but still have the personal fortress of solitude when needed. Heck, if you two could get adjoining houses with a shared hallway that would rock ; close enough for love, distant enough for sanity. As long as the two of you are happy what matters the rest of the Internet?
posted by jadepearl at 4:43 PM on April 8, 2011

Go for it! Take a page from Mary Shelley's momma, Mary Wollstonecraft and her baby daddy, William Godwin. They lived apart and didn't even marry in a class, time, and place where that was difficult and radical.
posted by MidSouthern Mouth at 4:43 PM on April 8, 2011 [4 favorites]

I know of three couples who essentially did this. One of my uncles and his girlfriend of several years live net door to one another and love it. While they aren't married, they seem to be thoroughly committed.

A college friend's parents lived in two different states because her father tended to have jobs of relatively short duration in different places and they got sick of moving. He came home on weekends. They seem very happy after years of doing this.

In my grandmother's neighborhood there was an elderly couple that had gotten together after I think the man's first wife died. I don't know if they ever married, but they were together for at least 20 years and remained each in their own house (they were a block or two away from each other). My grandmother described it as a great love story.
posted by sepviva at 4:53 PM on April 8, 2011

Someone mentioned this upthread, but I want to expound a bit on the idea that he doesn't need to be so slovenly. Perhaps as you get out of your twenties, it gets harder to change your habits and such; however, I think learning to compromise is a really important part of a relationship.

My boyfriend has compulsive tendencies about his space, and we both worried about it before I moved in. (I am not messy, but not as tidy as he is). Slowly we've found ways to compromise. I try not to get offended when he asks if he can clean the kitchen (what, I don't clean it well enough?), and I get to call him out when he's dusting my desk for the umpteenth time (it's my desk!).
posted by too bad you're not me at 5:11 PM on April 8, 2011

I don't think it's crazy at all. Some good friends of mine have maintained separate apartments two hours apart for seven or eight years now (they work together, although they haven't always), and have no plans to change the arrangement. I have my own room in my house and it's great.

Do what makes you happy.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:19 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

My aunt fell in love with and married her next door neighbor. They maintained their adjacent—but separate—residences for many years of relative marital bliss before finally upgrading to the 'burbs and an SFR. It was a sunset marriage though, so take this anecdote with a grain of salt. They'd both started families and raised children with previous partners before living alone for quite some time. Then, eventually, they fell in love, married, and then much later lived together under one roof.
posted by carsonb at 5:20 PM on April 8, 2011

Who cares if it's crazy? It's nontraditional, sure, but there's no rule saying you have to live together when you're married.

If it makes you both happy, you both are in agreement about it, and you've worked out the details, I say go for it. It's your life and your happiness - it's not going to hut anybody!

Good luck!
posted by karizma at 5:32 PM on April 8, 2011

Grrr... it's not going to *hurt* anybody.
posted by karizma at 5:33 PM on April 8, 2011

No, it's not ridiculous. If it makes you happy, and it's genuinely what YOU want, do it. Part of being a grownup is separating out what makes you happy from "what will 'they' think?"

That said, maintaining separate residences is expensive. Are you willing to forego other nice things in order to maintain your separate living spaces? Almost all of the people I've known of who make this work long term are a) wealthy b) have access to rent-controlled apartments for at least one half of the couple or c) are willing to be frugal with other expenses and prioritize "their own space" over nice vacations and so on.

There are practical aspects to work out - have an emergency plan if one of you gets hurt (who will contact the other partner?), if you have, or plan to have, kids, where and with whom will they live, and what will you do if they decide they don't want to keep shuttling back and forth between dwellings?

To me, the practical aspects are more important to plan and budget for. Who cares what the conventional idea of a proper relationship is? But do plan to take care of things that might be easier if both partners live in the same house (emergencies, etc.).
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 5:39 PM on April 8, 2011

My SO and I have daydreamed about such an arrangement, perhaps a duplex where we each get a side, or a house with two apartments. Alas, it's not in the budget and isn't likely to be in the foreseeable future, but definitely an attractive idea. If you're both on board and you are in a financial situation in which this is affordable, why not?
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:01 PM on April 8, 2011

Wow, who cares what other people think? People used to think that same sex couples being married was weird or that mixed race couples were weird or any other number of things.

If you are both happy and you're not hurting anyone else then you should do it! Yeah, people may ask questions and make assumptions but really, WHO CARES? If you can be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with another person, no matter what the circumstances, then you're already ahead of a lot of people so go for it. I, for one, will be totally happy for you!
posted by triggerfinger at 6:02 PM on April 8, 2011 [5 favorites]

In the small town I grew up in, one of my classmates parents moved apart. Everybody in town thought they were headed for divorce...but then he bought the house next door to her. As far as I know, they are still married, still neighbors, and still walk their dog together every evening. (And people in said small town thought it was odd, but they didn't get ostracized or ridiculed.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:05 PM on April 8, 2011

Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton have lived for a decade in separate houses with a connected doorway, and they're still together. So you wouldn't be the only one doing this.

Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera did this as well. Diego built them two houses connected by a walkway.

I know a couple that is so much like the two of you that I thought you might be them, but the ages are a little younger. They too are committed and are considering alternate living arrangements. I'd suggest them, but they've already been posted in this thread. Definitely you should do what works for the two of you and not worry about where you appear on the normal/weird spectrum. Divorces are pretty "normal", so I'd say if you two are happy being committed but not living in the same sapce, you're doing better than normal.
posted by orange swan at 6:26 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I (obsessively tidy, also "alone-time" person) struggled to live with my then-BF (slob, borderline hoarder) for two years. It was a nightmare, and I always felt a sinking feeling walking in the door. It was a source of constant arguments, and a cleaning person as a potential solution didn't work. When we broke up and I got my own place, I felt a peace I had completely forgotten. Don't underestimate the tidiness factor. I do want to get married eventually, but I pretty much have decided that I won't ever live with anyone again. Apartments in the same building or within a few blocks of each other would be my ideal. The idea isn't crazy at all. Have the relationship and situation that makes you happy.
posted by fiery.hogue at 6:32 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

I know many couples who live in different cities for career reasons. A lot of military couples spend more time apart than together. I couldn't take it, but sometimes I do wish for just one tiny little room my wife wouldn't strew her crap all over. Just one. :-)
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:52 PM on April 8, 2011

I know lots of couples that do this - mainly academics who have found it difficult to get jobs in the same city. Mostly they do spend a few weeks at least each year living together, during the holidays.

My father and his second wife got married three years ago and do not live together - again mainly for career reasons (and I think because her children dislike him). They spend most weekends together but are apart during the week.

But in your case you are in the same town anyway, right? So it's a bit different.

I think it sounds perfectly reasonable, and you should do whatever makes you happy. The hardest thing will probably be dealing with other people's reactions, which might be all WTF. If I were you I just wouldn't announce to most people you intend to continue living apart after the wedding, unless they actually ask. Obviously your close friends and family will know, but they should understand you well enough to take your word for it that this solution is in your best interests.
posted by lollusc at 6:57 PM on April 8, 2011

It can create some awkward situations. I was going to my teacher's house for a post-semester get together. I ran into a guy in the elevator who also had some snacks in his hand. He was her husband but was showing up to the party in the same fashion that this semi-stranger was. I thought maybe he was embarrassed.

Some other people in the class thought that, since he had the same last name, he was my teacher's brother. This misunderstanding went on for some time, and again, the husband seemed embarrassed.
posted by Jagz-Mario at 7:37 PM on April 8, 2011

Lots of academics, as mentioned, don't live together. Sure, it's "because of work," and sometimes that's necessary for both to work in their field, especially at first, but then sometimes it's more of a matter of the preferable...situation.

I also have known several older couples (generally both widowed) who married but maintained their separate residences. The reasons given were usually a variation on "oh, I'm set in my ways," though the women generally admitted that while they didn't begrudge The Way Things Were Back In The Day, they weren't actually particularly eager to start keeping house for another husband.

I also have known a number of couples who "separated" and maintained separate residences, but very much remained a committed couple. Not everyone does well living together.

Adjoining rowhouses with an SO was actually long a pipe-dream for me. My SO and I didn't move in together until we bought a house, at which point we'd been together for nearly 5 years, and we got a place big enough that we can each have distinct separate spaces in addition to our shared spaces.
posted by desuetude at 9:40 PM on April 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

Who cares if people think it's weird? My affiliate and I currently live apart, and if we ever marry we'll continue to live apart unless and until we can afford one residence with enough space to keep both of us happy. (My ideal setup would be a plot of land with one little house at one end, another little house at the other end, and a big ol' edible/decorative garden in between. Now I just need a mysterious rich relative to die and leave me everything.) I know damn well that people in my life think it's weird that we don't live together and don't have any plans to do so most likely ever. I'm learning to be fine with that, because honestly I think it's weird that they drive across the state every other weekend to visit the in-laws they hate, or that they let their dogs eat from their dinner plate, or that they vote Republican. :)

Seriously, though. Do what makes you happy and what makes your relationship work for both of you. If living apart works, go for it, and if anyone has the stones to tell you how weird they think that is, smile and thank them for their input and be thankful you're not stuck married to them.
posted by palomar at 9:53 PM on April 8, 2011 [2 favorites]

No experience here, but as a supreme introvert, I think that is an awesome idea. I definitely will be tired of my partner if I had to stay with him in the same house day after day, and with all the personal projects I got going on, it's uber messy. Cost/distance would be a big issue for me though.
posted by TrinsicWS at 4:37 AM on April 9, 2011

Can you divide this question into parts? Eg: What do you want? + How do you want to handle telling/explaining it to people?

For the second part I think the simpler the better. The more you treat it as normal and non-remarkable, the more othe people will - both in their heads and in their 'feedback' to you. So no hiding, but no elaborate explanations either. 'This is what works for us' is the tone to shoot for.

Also I kind of agree that getting to a place where you can tell the difference between meaningful feedback from people you respect and 'what will everyone think?' is a really really relevant indicator of being in a place where you're actually emotionally and logistically ready to make big decisions for yourself.
posted by Salamandrous at 8:10 AM on April 9, 2011

My ex and I talked about doing this, and might still be together if we had. I think it's a terrific idea if it suits your temperaments, as it seems to. Can't think of any argument against it.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 9:54 AM on April 9, 2011

You should do whatever you want! As long as you can make it work, go for it. Who cares what other people think! Traditional relationship rules are overrated (in my opinion).
posted by sucre at 10:55 AM on April 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Awesome.

Actually, I always thought that this was the coolest element in Chernyshevsky's "What is to be Done?"
posted by darth_tedious at 2:06 PM on April 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Annie Liebovitz and Susan Sontag come to mind.

Actually, I think there are some very romantic Liebovitz photographs of the distance between their apartments.
posted by equivocator at 10:14 PM on April 10, 2011

I did exactly that.

He and I were together for a few years (but knew very quickly into dating that we wanted to marry each other). We are both writers, and lived separately when we got together, and enjoyed it. We lived about five minutes from each other by bike. When we started to discuss actually getting married, the idea of maintaining separate residences seemed perfect -- it was a way of deepening our bond (and doing all those things that marriage does) which continuing living in a way that suited our lives and temperaments (he liked to stay up very late, and at that time in my life, I preferred sleeping in a bed by myself).

In any case, we got married, and had separate apartments, and it was really great. And then, I don't know what changed; I think partly it was the societal pressure and people being weirded out by our arrangement, which maybe I internalized (more than he did). We decided to buy a house and move in together. A few years later, the marriage ended.

I don't think you can conclude very much from my story. That's just what happened to us. As soon as we moved in together, I felt like our previous situation was better, like the instinct not to live together was actually the right one, and I sort of became depressed very quickly. Now it was all too much: living together and being married.

For what it's worth, I'm currently with a man, and we live together in a smallish apartment and I love living with him. I guess it depends on the dynamic between two people. My ex-husband and I (while still friends and we still care deeply for each other) didn't make up a pair that worked on a domestic level.

So it goes.

Do whatever you feel is right and don't be pressured by the world to do what the world thinks is right -- though it's easier said than done.
posted by PersonAndSalt at 8:43 AM on April 11, 2011 [2 favorites]