It's been five dates and I'm still lukewarm
April 6, 2011 8:47 AM Subscribe
I met a guy through OKC a couple of months ago. We've gone out five times and I'm still not feeling a spark. While it's not a complete "no", I'm beginning to worry that waiting to come around might not be a good idea either. When do or should you cut things off with someone when you're so unsure?
I haven't been in a relationship for two years and haven't found anyone I've been sincerely interested in dating on OKCupid, though I will take a lot of the blame for that. (I'm still figuring out what I want and how to even be in an "adult" dating situation, since my early 20's I didn't really experience much of that and my mid-late 20's were spent in two relationships. I'm 32 now.) Anyway, I started talking to someone through the site back in early February. We emailed a lot back and forth and finally met up. There wasn't an initial physical attraction, but I enjoyed his company and figured I should give him another shot. We've now had five dates, all of which I've had a good time, but am still not feeling particularly amorous about him. We haven't done anything besides kiss. On date four, we had a (tipsy) conversation in which I revealed I was on the fence about him. He made it clear that he enjoys spending time with me, so the ball was in my court. Each date gets more comfortable, but I don't FEEL anything more for him. I'm at a loss. I went into this trying not to do the knee jerk thing of saying "no go without a spark". But now I don't know how long I should let things go before I say "this isn't working". Thoughts? Similar experiences? If you were him, what would you want from me?
I haven't been in a relationship for two years and haven't found anyone I've been sincerely interested in dating on OKCupid, though I will take a lot of the blame for that. (I'm still figuring out what I want and how to even be in an "adult" dating situation, since my early 20's I didn't really experience much of that and my mid-late 20's were spent in two relationships. I'm 32 now.) Anyway, I started talking to someone through the site back in early February. We emailed a lot back and forth and finally met up. There wasn't an initial physical attraction, but I enjoyed his company and figured I should give him another shot. We've now had five dates, all of which I've had a good time, but am still not feeling particularly amorous about him. We haven't done anything besides kiss. On date four, we had a (tipsy) conversation in which I revealed I was on the fence about him. He made it clear that he enjoys spending time with me, so the ball was in my court. Each date gets more comfortable, but I don't FEEL anything more for him. I'm at a loss. I went into this trying not to do the knee jerk thing of saying "no go without a spark". But now I don't know how long I should let things go before I say "this isn't working". Thoughts? Similar experiences? If you were him, what would you want from me?
If you've kissed him a few times without the desire to go any further, end it. But if you've just had one kiss, see what else he has to offer and your attraction might grow once you get into a sexier situation with him. But don't force it if you're making out and just don't feel it.
posted by rmless at 8:57 AM on April 6, 2011
posted by rmless at 8:57 AM on April 6, 2011
When I was dating I would go through different stages. A lot of times I'd completely crush on someone - it was generally mutual - and it would fizzle out in a few weeks. After a stretch of that happening, I met a perfectly nice girl that just didn't spark with me. Instead of ending it after a couple of dates, I thought I'd see if anything developed on its over a number of weeks. I guess I actually tried it at least twice, and both times nothing at all happened and things just fizzled out on their own.
That being said: on my last first date (if that makes sense), I didn't feel a lot of spark. My future wife felt differently and we had a second date which is where things fell into place. So my purely anecdotal advice: give it two or three dates.
posted by flipper at 8:58 AM on April 6, 2011
That being said: on my last first date (if that makes sense), I didn't feel a lot of spark. My future wife felt differently and we had a second date which is where things fell into place. So my purely anecdotal advice: give it two or three dates.
posted by flipper at 8:58 AM on April 6, 2011
i'm a big fan of the gut. trusting it. if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. and that's totally ok. and if you like hanging out with him, ask if he is open to being friends. (maybe you'll be all "when harry met sally" years from now :) )
posted by anya32 at 9:00 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by anya32 at 9:00 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you're not that into him, let him free himself up to find someone who is.
posted by tel3path at 9:05 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tel3path at 9:05 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's online dating. The threshold for telling people "Thanks, but no thanks," is ridiculously low, even after meeting in person a few times. This is kind of a two-edged sword, as it can become a problem in situations where you actually want to make a go of it, but it's working to your benefit now.
If you don't want to do this, say so. But make no mistake: the ball isn't entirely in your court. Or, at least, even if it is, that doesn't stop him from making his own decisions. I've been in enough relationships now that if a girl I'm going out with says she's "unsure" for more than a month or so, I'm outta there. Likewise, if I'm unsure for more than a month or so, I'll politely break things off. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't know what they want or with people you aren't sure you want.
posted by valkyryn at 9:11 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to do this, say so. But make no mistake: the ball isn't entirely in your court. Or, at least, even if it is, that doesn't stop him from making his own decisions. I've been in enough relationships now that if a girl I'm going out with says she's "unsure" for more than a month or so, I'm outta there. Likewise, if I'm unsure for more than a month or so, I'll politely break things off. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't know what they want or with people you aren't sure you want.
posted by valkyryn at 9:11 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Hmm.. well if you enjoy going out with him (laugh a lot, talk a lot, think about the date afterwards) then id try another two dates.
If going out with him feels like a chore/business meeting, then end it now.
Not every successful relationship starts out with a huge crush and "he's the one" feeling for everyone.
I am more of a logical/cautious person and for me it takes around 5-6 dates for me to make a decision to continue or discontinue.
With the physical attraction, for me, if im not physically attracted at first, they become attractive the more serious the relationship blooms.
I've had the same questions as you in the past and my sister and best friend both told me they didn't feel the physical attraction/spark with their now husbands for quite a few dates/hang outs.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:19 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If going out with him feels like a chore/business meeting, then end it now.
Not every successful relationship starts out with a huge crush and "he's the one" feeling for everyone.
I am more of a logical/cautious person and for me it takes around 5-6 dates for me to make a decision to continue or discontinue.
With the physical attraction, for me, if im not physically attracted at first, they become attractive the more serious the relationship blooms.
I've had the same questions as you in the past and my sister and best friend both told me they didn't feel the physical attraction/spark with their now husbands for quite a few dates/hang outs.
posted by KogeLiz at 9:19 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Five dates and you're not feeling any attraction? Move on.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:29 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:29 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Two dates without attraction is too many, I think. You're 32, so you're not a kid, and you know yourself.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:30 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:30 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Just go. It's too easy to spend months - years even - figuring this out and feeling just all right through it all. This is time that could be spent with somebody who drives you WILD...but not if you're otherwise tied up (and I don't mean in a good way).*
*Did that thought, with this guy you're dating...did that excite you? No, then go. Now.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:37 AM on April 6, 2011
*Did that thought, with this guy you're dating...did that excite you? No, then go. Now.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:37 AM on April 6, 2011
But now I don't know how long I should let things go before I say "this isn't working".
What time is it now? Five minutes before that.
World's a big place and full of lots of people. If you have an issue with who you're attracted to or some other personal issue you need to work one, fine, but don't do it on his time. Move on, get more experience dating.
posted by phearlez at 9:39 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
What time is it now? Five minutes before that.
World's a big place and full of lots of people. If you have an issue with who you're attracted to or some other personal issue you need to work one, fine, but don't do it on his time. Move on, get more experience dating.
posted by phearlez at 9:39 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
If I were him, and I knew you were posting an AskMetafilter question saying you've gone on five dates with me and feel no "spark," and you didn't have anything positive to say about me except some bland generalities about how I make for reasonably pleasant company, I would want you to cut this off immediately. I would not feel you were doing me a favor by prolonging the process.
I would want this after even one or even two dates. Instead of encouraging him to devote his attention, resources, and energy on a sixth or seventh date, be honest with him that you're not interested so his time is freed up to focus on people he might actually click with.
posted by John Cohen at 9:49 AM on April 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
I would want this after even one or even two dates. Instead of encouraging him to devote his attention, resources, and energy on a sixth or seventh date, be honest with him that you're not interested so his time is freed up to focus on people he might actually click with.
posted by John Cohen at 9:49 AM on April 6, 2011 [8 favorites]
If you were him, what would you want from me?
Not to be stringed along if you don't feel it, probably?
Everyone's been in situations like these, pre-online dating too, and yeah, what everyone said already.
This will vary from person to person, but based on what you wrote, I think you will agree that comfort alone is not enough (it's not even enough to become "just friends", if you think about it).
You don't need some impossible romantic notion of wow instant magic spark or nothing, but you do still need some level of spark, curiosity, attraction. If it's not there after a few dates, and you don't feel anything, what's the point? people are not experiments.
That applies to you as well - in my experience, it only gets worse if you keep on just for the sake of 'trying', you'll be checking yourself all the time to understand what you're feeling, and there's no fun in that for anyone.
It should be the other way round. When you do feel genuine interest in someone else, you're busy wondering about what they feel, not what you feel.
posted by bitteschoen at 9:52 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Not to be stringed along if you don't feel it, probably?
Everyone's been in situations like these, pre-online dating too, and yeah, what everyone said already.
This will vary from person to person, but based on what you wrote, I think you will agree that comfort alone is not enough (it's not even enough to become "just friends", if you think about it).
You don't need some impossible romantic notion of wow instant magic spark or nothing, but you do still need some level of spark, curiosity, attraction. If it's not there after a few dates, and you don't feel anything, what's the point? people are not experiments.
That applies to you as well - in my experience, it only gets worse if you keep on just for the sake of 'trying', you'll be checking yourself all the time to understand what you're feeling, and there's no fun in that for anyone.
It should be the other way round. When you do feel genuine interest in someone else, you're busy wondering about what they feel, not what you feel.
posted by bitteschoen at 9:52 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
sorry - possible language screwup there - "string along" may be too harsh, I didn't mean it in a malicious sense, just even the involuntary consequence of this guy being clearly interested, and you not feeling it.
posted by bitteschoen at 9:55 AM on April 6, 2011
posted by bitteschoen at 9:55 AM on April 6, 2011
Cut him loose.
I'm in his shoes currently. My "boyfriend" of EIGHT MONTHS recently told me that he doesn't see things going anywhere and he doesn't see himself falling in love with me, even after I told him that I loved him after month 7. I'm still devastated and picking up the pieces from my shattered heart. If he had told me this after five dates, it would have saved me a lot of headache, heartache and time. I just wasted eight months of my life falling in love with someone who was apparently 'on the fence' and hit me with this out of the blue.
Good luck. Just be honest with him.
posted by floweredfish at 9:57 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm in his shoes currently. My "boyfriend" of EIGHT MONTHS recently told me that he doesn't see things going anywhere and he doesn't see himself falling in love with me, even after I told him that I loved him after month 7. I'm still devastated and picking up the pieces from my shattered heart. If he had told me this after five dates, it would have saved me a lot of headache, heartache and time. I just wasted eight months of my life falling in love with someone who was apparently 'on the fence' and hit me with this out of the blue.
Good luck. Just be honest with him.
posted by floweredfish at 9:57 AM on April 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you were him, what would you want from me?
Well it sounds like you told him, and he said it's up to you. So he is probably okay with going on more dates knowing that you are not that into him. As long as you continue to be honest about your feelings I don't think you would be leading him on. Personally I think you should just end it and look for someone else because in my opinion at least it makes sense to wait for someone who is completely awesome and are you are totally into before starting a longer-term relationship.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:03 AM on April 6, 2011
Well it sounds like you told him, and he said it's up to you. So he is probably okay with going on more dates knowing that you are not that into him. As long as you continue to be honest about your feelings I don't think you would be leading him on. Personally I think you should just end it and look for someone else because in my opinion at least it makes sense to wait for someone who is completely awesome and are you are totally into before starting a longer-term relationship.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:03 AM on April 6, 2011
If you were him, what would you want from me?
I feel like our culture likes to ignore the idea that there are whole realms of attraction between OMG-he's-the-one-let's-marry and OMG-so-hot-casual-sex-partner. And, likewise, there are realms between serial monogamy and lifestyle polyamory. What are your motivations for dating? What are your long and short term goals? What do you want to grow in? What do you need to move towards your goals?
For what it's worth, when I joined OKC, I was looking to learn more about myself as a casual dater, to meet more people in a new city and to feel less lonely and more social. I had some slow burn and non-starter realationships that helped towards these goals. There were also women who disappeared off the map for reasons such as stated by other MeFites above. Since I wasn't looking for (but open to) True Love, I would have enjoyed more dating even if they were on the fence. Nevertheless, all of these relationships played their course and some are really great friends now. I met my goals for that time in my life. I have an amazing girlfriend who I totally misread on our first several dates. When we talked about things, I was really surprised and, in turn, even more attracted to her on the levels I thought were missing.
YMMV, but the key skill here is communication. If all you want right now is pleasant company and some kissing practice while you keep looking, be honest and see if that's what this guy wants too. If it doesn't fit for you, or he seems to be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and just playing casual, then move on. But the only way to know what dude wants out of dating is to ask dude.
The only way I would feel led on is if I got wishy washy signals but I was falling hard. Likewise if I was picking up all of the tabs.
posted by Skwirl at 10:37 AM on April 6, 2011
I feel like our culture likes to ignore the idea that there are whole realms of attraction between OMG-he's-the-one-let's-marry and OMG-so-hot-casual-sex-partner. And, likewise, there are realms between serial monogamy and lifestyle polyamory. What are your motivations for dating? What are your long and short term goals? What do you want to grow in? What do you need to move towards your goals?
For what it's worth, when I joined OKC, I was looking to learn more about myself as a casual dater, to meet more people in a new city and to feel less lonely and more social. I had some slow burn and non-starter realationships that helped towards these goals. There were also women who disappeared off the map for reasons such as stated by other MeFites above. Since I wasn't looking for (but open to) True Love, I would have enjoyed more dating even if they were on the fence. Nevertheless, all of these relationships played their course and some are really great friends now. I met my goals for that time in my life. I have an amazing girlfriend who I totally misread on our first several dates. When we talked about things, I was really surprised and, in turn, even more attracted to her on the levels I thought were missing.
YMMV, but the key skill here is communication. If all you want right now is pleasant company and some kissing practice while you keep looking, be honest and see if that's what this guy wants too. If it doesn't fit for you, or he seems to be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and just playing casual, then move on. But the only way to know what dude wants out of dating is to ask dude.
The only way I would feel led on is if I got wishy washy signals but I was falling hard. Likewise if I was picking up all of the tabs.
posted by Skwirl at 10:37 AM on April 6, 2011
Just end it. I was recently in two different situations like this (met someone on OKC, things didn't take off in the way they should if you're going to have a serious relationship), and honestly the best thing to do is just politely let them know you're not interested. A mini breakup, basically.
If you hold on too long, it becomes A Relationship, and then you have to break up for real. And you run the risk of really hurting someone rather than just, "You are nice, and this has been fun, but something is missing."
posted by Sara C. at 10:41 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
If you hold on too long, it becomes A Relationship, and then you have to break up for real. And you run the risk of really hurting someone rather than just, "You are nice, and this has been fun, but something is missing."
posted by Sara C. at 10:41 AM on April 6, 2011 [4 favorites]
Three dates max. It could be though that you found a friend :)
posted by zombieApoc at 4:24 PM on April 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by zombieApoc at 4:24 PM on April 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
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