Overcoming panic and fear
March 30, 2011 10:58 AM Subscribe
How do you keep something negative looming over your head from destroying your day and keeping you from doing what you need to?
Sorry if this is a little rambly - this just went down, and I'm still reeling.
I'm taking an online graduate course that had a midterm yesterday. I usually set side aside for this class every Tuesday, but due to a change of schedule yesterday, this time was supposed to get shifted, and instead it was forgotten about. I missed the window of opportunity, and as of right now, I have a big, fat 0 for this midterm.
I've sent the professor an e-mail; the problem with online courses is that the only way they know me is through my work (which has been good until now). They're not on campus this semester, so I can't call them or contact them in any other way. They're out in the field and slow to respond to e-mail.
I'm 60 miles from my house, and I'm scheduled to teach 8 private music lessons tonight, from 3-8. The only thing I can do right now is hyperventilate, vomit, and fight the urge to pound my head against a wall.
I've done all I can do - I realize that. I fucked up, and I've cast my lot to the wind. I can't control what she's going to do.
I know this sounds relatively minor in the scheme of bad things that happen to people, but that doesn't change how I'm reacting to it. I'm panicking and physically ill, and I can't be in 2 hours.
I have high levels of anxiety generally, and I'm medicated for it. Something this large, though, has basically shattered through whatever medicated cocoon I've created and hit me hard.
Now how do I keep going through my day? I'm fighting the urge to cancel all of the lessons I'm teaching, drive home, and bury myself in the bedroom for the next 24 hours. What do I do in the next 2 hours, miles from my safe space, that will keep me from emotionally and mentally breaking down in front of my students?
Sorry if this is a little rambly - this just went down, and I'm still reeling.
I'm taking an online graduate course that had a midterm yesterday. I usually set side aside for this class every Tuesday, but due to a change of schedule yesterday, this time was supposed to get shifted, and instead it was forgotten about. I missed the window of opportunity, and as of right now, I have a big, fat 0 for this midterm.
I've sent the professor an e-mail; the problem with online courses is that the only way they know me is through my work (which has been good until now). They're not on campus this semester, so I can't call them or contact them in any other way. They're out in the field and slow to respond to e-mail.
I'm 60 miles from my house, and I'm scheduled to teach 8 private music lessons tonight, from 3-8. The only thing I can do right now is hyperventilate, vomit, and fight the urge to pound my head against a wall.
I've done all I can do - I realize that. I fucked up, and I've cast my lot to the wind. I can't control what she's going to do.
I know this sounds relatively minor in the scheme of bad things that happen to people, but that doesn't change how I'm reacting to it. I'm panicking and physically ill, and I can't be in 2 hours.
I have high levels of anxiety generally, and I'm medicated for it. Something this large, though, has basically shattered through whatever medicated cocoon I've created and hit me hard.
Now how do I keep going through my day? I'm fighting the urge to cancel all of the lessons I'm teaching, drive home, and bury myself in the bedroom for the next 24 hours. What do I do in the next 2 hours, miles from my safe space, that will keep me from emotionally and mentally breaking down in front of my students?
I would get some vigorous exercise, like jogging as long as I could (and I am not a jogger) and wear myself out.
posted by lizbunny at 11:27 AM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by lizbunny at 11:27 AM on March 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Also, stairs are a great way to get some exercise in any kind of office setting, if you're not in a position to get outside.
posted by lizbunny at 11:28 AM on March 30, 2011
posted by lizbunny at 11:28 AM on March 30, 2011
Best answer: Nobody's going to die, get hurt, or get arrested. The very worst thing that could happen is you have to retake the class. If this has never happened to you before, it is HORRIBLE. Hell, I am nearly 40 years old and failed several classes in college and still, when I am under a lot of stress, have this dream. (Either that one or I've found a hurt child/animal and the only car available is standard transmission and I can't drive stick.)
Honestly, for me, I just go ahead and decide that the worst has happened and start making my plans for dealing with it. The adrenaline will have to run out within a couple of hours and you'll find yourself a little more philosophical about it then. Do the breathing trick tel3path suggested. Go for a little walk. Drink some water. You got business to take care of, and you need to focus on getting your classes taught and then doing whatever it is you'll have to do next.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:30 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Honestly, for me, I just go ahead and decide that the worst has happened and start making my plans for dealing with it. The adrenaline will have to run out within a couple of hours and you'll find yourself a little more philosophical about it then. Do the breathing trick tel3path suggested. Go for a little walk. Drink some water. You got business to take care of, and you need to focus on getting your classes taught and then doing whatever it is you'll have to do next.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:30 AM on March 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If your anxiety is anything like mine, once your students start showing up you'll be sufficiently distracted that your body will put the panic on pause while you work. I'd keep the appointments going.
posted by chowflap at 11:39 AM on March 30, 2011
posted by chowflap at 11:39 AM on March 30, 2011
Best answer: Honestly, for me, I just go ahead and decide that the worst has happened and start making my plans for dealing with it.
This. And I'm guessing that the worst that could happen, in your case, is that you would have to drop the course, forfeit the tuition (if you're paying it out of your pocket), and take it again. No disgrace on your transcript; people have to drop courses for all kinds of reasons. These things happen, and if you've explained the situation and your professor knows you've been doing good work but can't make an exception in your case, he/she probably won't think badly of you. Whatever happened, it's not the end of the world.
Let us know how this turned out and how you're doing. This is exactly the sort of thing I can imagine happening to me!
posted by tully_monster at 11:58 AM on March 30, 2011
This. And I'm guessing that the worst that could happen, in your case, is that you would have to drop the course, forfeit the tuition (if you're paying it out of your pocket), and take it again. No disgrace on your transcript; people have to drop courses for all kinds of reasons. These things happen, and if you've explained the situation and your professor knows you've been doing good work but can't make an exception in your case, he/she probably won't think badly of you. Whatever happened, it's not the end of the world.
Let us know how this turned out and how you're doing. This is exactly the sort of thing I can imagine happening to me!
posted by tully_monster at 11:58 AM on March 30, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for the comments so far. I've breathed, walked around a bit, and tried to find a way to calm myself.
Unfortunately, yesterday was the last day to drop - so I'm screwed there. I know this because I had to look it up due to one of my students dropping my class on the day of the midterm I was giving (which was also yesterday).
I'm still sick, and I'm still panicking, though. I know that this isn't the worst thing in the world, and that the worst has already happened, but I keep replaying horrific events in my head that generally lead to me being expelled from my field and being shamed publicly.
All of the CBT training I've ever had knows that this is stupidly warped thinking. Having all of the training in the world, though, is bad when I can't seem to use it to shake me out of this. My brain's reaction of "You're totally fucked, and here are some horrific scenarios to show you just how fucked you are" is trumping "This is just warped thinking, you have no clue what's going to happen."
chowflap: That's what I hope is going to happen. I don't think I can cancel now without incurring the ire and wrath of the parents of my kids. I just need to keep my emotions in check and keep myself from throwing up.
posted by SNWidget at 12:09 PM on March 30, 2011
Unfortunately, yesterday was the last day to drop - so I'm screwed there. I know this because I had to look it up due to one of my students dropping my class on the day of the midterm I was giving (which was also yesterday).
I'm still sick, and I'm still panicking, though. I know that this isn't the worst thing in the world, and that the worst has already happened, but I keep replaying horrific events in my head that generally lead to me being expelled from my field and being shamed publicly.
All of the CBT training I've ever had knows that this is stupidly warped thinking. Having all of the training in the world, though, is bad when I can't seem to use it to shake me out of this. My brain's reaction of "You're totally fucked, and here are some horrific scenarios to show you just how fucked you are" is trumping "This is just warped thinking, you have no clue what's going to happen."
chowflap: That's what I hope is going to happen. I don't think I can cancel now without incurring the ire and wrath of the parents of my kids. I just need to keep my emotions in check and keep myself from throwing up.
posted by SNWidget at 12:09 PM on March 30, 2011
Best answer: 1. Do what you can. The posters above have given you good suggestions about calling people, etc.
Personally, I think that everyone is allowed one fudge or fuckup. I agree that you're far from the first person to have this happen, and especially if you're otherwise a good student who hasn't given them any issues, you will be light years ahead of the jerkwads who try to weasel out of things in an underhanded way. They will appreciate your honesty.
2. Take the rest one step at a time. Make yourself a checklist of what needs to be done today and focus on one thing at a time. "Okay; Sally's lesson is at 3, and Jamie's lesson is at 3:45, and I can't even think about Jamie's lesson until Sally gets out the door." Maybe take a little time to do some studio-wide planning: what are some activities that you can do today that would take the pressure off of you to be "on" today? Or... what are some activities that you could do with your students that would FORCE you to be on so you couldn't think about it?
3. Make plans to prevent this in the future. Even if you don't end up acting on them when the time rolls around, it'll make you feel better to do some of this proactive self-care.
Summary: DO SOMETHING.
Among my many voice teachers, the one who most clearly didn't understand me somehow had some advice I always remember. "Take a deep breath and keep singing -- and when you think you're out of breath, keep going." It's kind of like that old "when you're at the bottom of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
Submit yourself to the university/God/the whim of fortune; either way, it's not something you can control. At times like this, that can be very reassuring. You can only go up.
posted by Madamina at 12:14 PM on March 30, 2011
Personally, I think that everyone is allowed one fudge or fuckup. I agree that you're far from the first person to have this happen, and especially if you're otherwise a good student who hasn't given them any issues, you will be light years ahead of the jerkwads who try to weasel out of things in an underhanded way. They will appreciate your honesty.
2. Take the rest one step at a time. Make yourself a checklist of what needs to be done today and focus on one thing at a time. "Okay; Sally's lesson is at 3, and Jamie's lesson is at 3:45, and I can't even think about Jamie's lesson until Sally gets out the door." Maybe take a little time to do some studio-wide planning: what are some activities that you can do today that would take the pressure off of you to be "on" today? Or... what are some activities that you could do with your students that would FORCE you to be on so you couldn't think about it?
3. Make plans to prevent this in the future. Even if you don't end up acting on them when the time rolls around, it'll make you feel better to do some of this proactive self-care.
Summary: DO SOMETHING.
Among my many voice teachers, the one who most clearly didn't understand me somehow had some advice I always remember. "Take a deep breath and keep singing -- and when you think you're out of breath, keep going." It's kind of like that old "when you're at the bottom of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
Submit yourself to the university/God/the whim of fortune; either way, it's not something you can control. At times like this, that can be very reassuring. You can only go up.
posted by Madamina at 12:14 PM on March 30, 2011
Educational institutions - and professors - normally stand to gain by having their students do well. If you submit yourself to their good will, they'll be on your side as far as the rules allow.
As for CBT techniques being trumped, don't let that compound your worries (yeah, I know, INCEPTION, right?). Your brain has decided to be anxious right now. Thanks brain, you carry on. Meanwhile I'm just going to clear my day, leave the midterm stuff in the hands of others, and maybe just be curious about my brain for a while.
(The outside edge of the palms is a pressure point for anxious feelings. I find that rubbing or tapping them helps bring awareness and calm).
posted by cogat at 4:33 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
As for CBT techniques being trumped, don't let that compound your worries (yeah, I know, INCEPTION, right?). Your brain has decided to be anxious right now. Thanks brain, you carry on. Meanwhile I'm just going to clear my day, leave the midterm stuff in the hands of others, and maybe just be curious about my brain for a while.
(The outside edge of the palms is a pressure point for anxious feelings. I find that rubbing or tapping them helps bring awareness and calm).
posted by cogat at 4:33 PM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh fooey. You aren't going to be expelled or disgraced. You just aren't. You know that.
If you're going to worry like this it should be over something worthwhile. Go superglue farm animals to your supervisor and then engage in some really easily detectable plagiarism.
It always helps to bring the threat levels into line with my anxiety levels, I find.
;-)
posted by tel3path at 5:33 PM on March 30, 2011
If you're going to worry like this it should be over something worthwhile. Go superglue farm animals to your supervisor and then engage in some really easily detectable plagiarism.
It always helps to bring the threat levels into line with my anxiety levels, I find.
;-)
posted by tel3path at 5:33 PM on March 30, 2011
Response by poster: So, everyone was right (of course). I heard back, and I'm getting to retake on Friday during the day - apparently, being a decent student bought me some goodwill.
All of the advice helped - once I started teaching, I managed to at least bury it enough to relax. My wife and I went out for drinks tonight to sort of cap off the day, and I feel zen at the moment.
Thanks for all of the advice and support.
posted by SNWidget at 9:29 PM on March 30, 2011
All of the advice helped - once I started teaching, I managed to at least bury it enough to relax. My wife and I went out for drinks tonight to sort of cap off the day, and I feel zen at the moment.
Thanks for all of the advice and support.
posted by SNWidget at 9:29 PM on March 30, 2011
Hooray! So glad to hear this.
posted by tully_monster at 11:31 AM on March 31, 2011
posted by tully_monster at 11:31 AM on March 31, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also ask yourself what is the worst consequence if you have to live with the 0. You won't fail the entire course will you? Don't they ever let you retake or anything?
In the meantime, take a breath out, let it go, and don't breathe in again until you absolutely have to. Do this 3 or 4 times. Apparently this is a trick to get your wild and crazy adrenal system to shut up. A professional counsellor told me this one, so I have it on good authority.
posted by tel3path at 11:04 AM on March 30, 2011 [2 favorites]