Collection for coworker
March 8, 2011 6:47 AM Subscribe
Coworker's relative passed away. Our small office would like to start a collection for coworker. What are the rules here? What's appropriate as far as amounts? Any suggestions?
Never had to deal with this before and don't want to make this awkward for anyone at the office.
Never had to deal with this before and don't want to make this awkward for anyone at the office.
Response by poster: Going to the family. Sorry, should've specified.
posted by ttyn at 7:01 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by ttyn at 7:01 AM on March 8, 2011
I think the most important thing as far as appropriateness goes is that no one feels in any way forced to give. The people who are donating and the amounts should be private, and you should let people know via a memo or something, so no one feels put on the spot by being asked directly.
posted by phunniemee at 7:08 AM on March 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 7:08 AM on March 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
The appropriate amount is whatever each person is comforatable giving, with respect to their own finanacial circumstances, how close they were to the co-worker in question, and any other variables they care to factor in. There is no right or wrong amount to give. Nor is it wrong to not give anything.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:12 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:12 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's always good to give people a guideline - in our small office we usually say $5-$10 for flowers at such an occasion, and make it voluntary. Folks sometimes shirk, which is a little annoying, but a lot of folks are really generous, too. Usually whoever is collecting sends an email.
posted by ldthomps at 7:12 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by ldthomps at 7:12 AM on March 8, 2011
When this has happened where I work, our office manager has sent an e-mail saying that a card and an envelope for any donations to the family that people want to make will be going around the office. Then both of those things get passed around and you can add money to the envelope if you want, but it's anonymous and everyone gets to sign the card.
posted by otolith at 7:13 AM on March 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by otolith at 7:13 AM on March 8, 2011 [4 favorites]
i think the most appropriate way to do this is to put the word out via whatever method you usually use of interoffice communication and leave the amount open ended so that people can make their decision based on their personal relationship with the coworker and their financial situation. Is this the death of an immediate family member or a cousin or aunt or something? If it is extended family it might feel a little weird to hand your coworker cash and ask them to pass it on.
I don't know what size city, town, or village you are in, but in my small town it is not unusual for a friend of the family to go to a local bank and start an account for the family, especially if there are special or tragic circumstances to the death.
posted by domino at 7:14 AM on March 8, 2011
I don't know what size city, town, or village you are in, but in my small town it is not unusual for a friend of the family to go to a local bank and start an account for the family, especially if there are special or tragic circumstances to the death.
posted by domino at 7:14 AM on March 8, 2011
In my experience the best person to have collect the donations is a nonsupervisor, someone that people feel comfortable saying "no" to or feel comfortable giving only what they can afford. The tradition I am familiar with is a collection of envelopes, which contain either cash or check, collected at the wake. I would suggest having everyone make their contribution and having the office convert it into a single donation of case or a single check. Then it becomes a gift from the office as a whole and no-one looks stingy or especially generous. Someone who grouses because "Jane gets credit for the office collection even though she didn't give anything" needs a stern talking-to.
Also "relative" is a little vague, so it's hard for us to say what's a good suggested donation. If your coworker has lost her husband, she might need more to cover her expenses than if she has lost her parent or her sibling.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:16 AM on March 8, 2011
Also "relative" is a little vague, so it's hard for us to say what's a good suggested donation. If your coworker has lost her husband, she might need more to cover her expenses than if she has lost her parent or her sibling.
posted by crush-onastick at 7:16 AM on March 8, 2011
Also make sure you're aware of whatever cultural customs your co-worker practices. For example many people are not aware that you don't send flowers for a Jewish funeral.
posted by DanSachs at 7:30 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by DanSachs at 7:30 AM on March 8, 2011
Best answer: In the offices I've worked in, an envelope and a card was circulated, with everyone crossing his or her name off the circulation list once she or he had signed and/or donated. Set a deadline for it (i.e., "Please return the card and envelope to me by the end of the day on Friday" so that the packet doesn't stall on someone's desk.) That way everyone gets a chance to contribute and the amount they give is private. Some people may be having a hard time themselves and they shouldn't feel embarrassed if they can only give a few dollars.
posted by orange swan at 8:47 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by orange swan at 8:47 AM on March 8, 2011
Flowers don't last long. Depending on the situation, how about a supermarket gift card?
posted by Carol Anne at 8:55 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by Carol Anne at 8:55 AM on March 8, 2011
I've never heard of this, so maybe I'm just coming at it from the wrong angle, but giving money after the death of a family member strikes me as tacky, as though money could replace the loved one. When I'm experiencing grief, I like to know that people are thinking of me, and want to support me, and a card or a note does that best.
The exception here would be if close friends knew I was experiencing financial difficulty that they wanted to help with, but I really wouldn't want my coworkers feeling obligated to give even a little.
posted by rosa at 9:21 AM on March 8, 2011 [8 favorites]
The exception here would be if close friends knew I was experiencing financial difficulty that they wanted to help with, but I really wouldn't want my coworkers feeling obligated to give even a little.
posted by rosa at 9:21 AM on March 8, 2011 [8 favorites]
Best answer: rosa: every funeral I have ever attended in my life has included a collection of money for the immediate family, except when the deceased is an elderly parent of grown children. I have only attended Catholic funerals, in the Midwest, so it might be a regional thing; it might be a Catholic thing; it might be a tradition unique to the immigrant backgrounds of my closest friends and family. But funerals are expensive, and the loss of the primary income in a household can be devastating. In my experience, there is either a designated member of the family or the funeral home staff who collects checks and envelopes of cash from people at the wake. It's not done like a collection plate at a service; it's just done. People ask one another, quietly, who is collecting the money and whomever collects the money finds a quiet moment, after the burial to talk to the remaining head of the household and pass the gift along.
In my experience, the collection of money does not stand in place of condolences, or flowers, or bringing food by, or any other act of comfort. It is a separate tradition, one which offers specific aid to someone who is dealing with an unexpected, and in emotionally onerous, expense. I don't have any particular expertise in funerary customs, but this one is quite familiar to me.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:37 AM on March 8, 2011
In my experience, the collection of money does not stand in place of condolences, or flowers, or bringing food by, or any other act of comfort. It is a separate tradition, one which offers specific aid to someone who is dealing with an unexpected, and in emotionally onerous, expense. I don't have any particular expertise in funerary customs, but this one is quite familiar to me.
posted by crush-onastick at 9:37 AM on March 8, 2011
I'm with Rosa--I've never known of a donation for the family, and I'm old. Contributions to the charity of choice, flowers, hot meals maybe but a donation of cash? If it's the co-worker's spouse, maybe, but a brother? Cousin? I've never heard of this, to be honest.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2011
posted by Ideefixe at 9:59 AM on March 8, 2011
I've also never known of a donation for the family, and would be extremely taken aback if someone gave me money after a family member died. (I also come from an no funerals culture. Sometimes there's a memorial service, sometimes not). I accept that it is something that some cultures do (see crush-onastick's comment), but please make sure it's something familiar to her.
Unless you know this is appropriate for her culture, I personally I think a card would be lovely and fully sufficient without any cash or gifts involved, and would be a lot less uncomfortable for your coworkers who are donating and whoever is in charge of collecting the money also.
posted by brainmouse at 10:26 AM on March 8, 2011
Unless you know this is appropriate for her culture, I personally I think a card would be lovely and fully sufficient without any cash or gifts involved, and would be a lot less uncomfortable for your coworkers who are donating and whoever is in charge of collecting the money also.
posted by brainmouse at 10:26 AM on March 8, 2011
The first time I saw the collection of money for the surviving family members was in the Midwest; the recipients of the cash--my family--were quite taken aback but it was explained that this was pretty par for the course in the neck of the Minnesota woods where we were. So, I'm going to go with this being a regional custom that is quite thoughtful yet also can give strong offense if the recipient isn't prepared for an envelope of cash to be offered.
ttyn, I'm assuming that you and your coworkers live in a place where this sort of money collection is common, but if there's any chance that this will be an unfamiliar custom to your coworker you should tread very, very carefully. Perhaps it's worth checking with a few others in your office just to make doubly-sure that this won't be taken the wrong way by the bereaved.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:56 AM on March 8, 2011
ttyn, I'm assuming that you and your coworkers live in a place where this sort of money collection is common, but if there's any chance that this will be an unfamiliar custom to your coworker you should tread very, very carefully. Perhaps it's worth checking with a few others in your office just to make doubly-sure that this won't be taken the wrong way by the bereaved.
posted by iminurmefi at 10:56 AM on March 8, 2011
Best answer: I was given an envelope of donations at my workplace after the death of my son. Although I was very reluctant to accept the cash at first, my co-workers and friends advised me to gracefully accept it and I am so glad that I did. I can't even list the many ways in which that kind gesture helped my family out during such a hard time. I was not functional enough even to feed myself, let alone determine the budget to obtain food.
Sometimes people don't know what else to do to help comfort someone when they experience such a tragic loss. A gesture like this can help them feel better about an awful situation. We are all fixers at heart. We want to fix a problem that we come across. Since this is not fixable, we find another avenue to be productive.
Don't worry about limits, and make the collections are as private as possible. Also, hand over the envelope in a private way so as not to embarrass the recently bereaved coworker. I'm so sorry to hear about their loss and I hope you can all heal.
posted by Cheminatrix at 12:01 PM on March 8, 2011
Sometimes people don't know what else to do to help comfort someone when they experience such a tragic loss. A gesture like this can help them feel better about an awful situation. We are all fixers at heart. We want to fix a problem that we come across. Since this is not fixable, we find another avenue to be productive.
Don't worry about limits, and make the collections are as private as possible. Also, hand over the envelope in a private way so as not to embarrass the recently bereaved coworker. I'm so sorry to hear about their loss and I hope you can all heal.
posted by Cheminatrix at 12:01 PM on March 8, 2011
When my spouse passed away, my co-workers donated to a gift account with a local food delivery service (you can place an order online from a large selection of restaurants and they deliver it to your home). Having that as a fallback option for a decent meal without having to cook was pretty awesome and somehow felt more thoughtful than just cash.
posted by greenmagnet at 12:55 PM on March 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by greenmagnet at 12:55 PM on March 8, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I just recently lost my grandmother, and my sister's coworkers donated cash. I too thought it was very odd, but I am so thankful to them now! We had countless small expenses that really added up - stamps for thank-you notes, my grandmother's unpaid bills (due to her accounts being frozen in probate) gas money, etc., etc.
I would agree with everyone above saying to organize such a collection such as to not make anyone feel pressured, but with my recent experience, I believe it would be helpful.
posted by backwards compatible at 3:13 PM on March 8, 2011
I would agree with everyone above saying to organize such a collection such as to not make anyone feel pressured, but with my recent experience, I believe it would be helpful.
posted by backwards compatible at 3:13 PM on March 8, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks guys. My boss asked me to organize this and, like a lot of you, I thought that was a pretty strange concept to collect money for someone who's grieving.
Makes much more sense now that I read your answers
posted by ttyn at 7:23 PM on March 8, 2011
Makes much more sense now that I read your answers
posted by ttyn at 7:23 PM on March 8, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by kellyblah at 6:59 AM on March 8, 2011 [1 favorite]