Girls, distances, and decisions about them.
March 4, 2011 8:04 AM Subscribe
I have no idea how to make big decisions about relationships, because they involve emotion. Help my rational brain reassert its dominance, or at least allow reason and feeling to coexist happily. Specifically:
I dated someone for a year while abroad, and when I returned home we parted amicably. I missed her much more than I expected. Over these past holidays, more than a year after I left, we saw each other again for a short time and it was just like before. I cared and still care about her more than I've any other girl I've been with.
Meanwhile, back in my normal life, there are a quite a few other pretty girls, some of whom I'm good friends with and who seem like they may be interested in being more than friends. It's been a while since I dated anyone and it's extremely tempting. Both my rational (usually the dominant) and my animal brains are telling me I should not be spending so many nights alone. But my emotional brain is still hung up.
I really like (at times I even use the other “l” word) the girl I dated while abroad. But our relationship was never what you might call "operating in a sustainable manner" even when we were together. I think mostly it was due to external factors—living abroad was not fantastic—but it's enough to make me shy away from a real long distance commitment. There is a good chance we could spend this summer in the same place, but that's just the summer--afterward it will take a lot of work not to be on opposite sides of the planet.
Should I move on? I think I could if I tried. Like REALLY tried. But I don't really want to. Or, is it at all fair to date around if I'm still hung up on somebody else, and I'm making tentative plans to see that person this summer? It would be nice to "ease off" this and it was seeming to be working until we saw each other again recently. Or should I buckle down, be content with occasional gchats for another few months, and see how this summer goes?
Note: I'm in my late 20s, despite the possible collegey feel of this question. Thanks in advance for advice or feedback.
I dated someone for a year while abroad, and when I returned home we parted amicably. I missed her much more than I expected. Over these past holidays, more than a year after I left, we saw each other again for a short time and it was just like before. I cared and still care about her more than I've any other girl I've been with.
Meanwhile, back in my normal life, there are a quite a few other pretty girls, some of whom I'm good friends with and who seem like they may be interested in being more than friends. It's been a while since I dated anyone and it's extremely tempting. Both my rational (usually the dominant) and my animal brains are telling me I should not be spending so many nights alone. But my emotional brain is still hung up.
I really like (at times I even use the other “l” word) the girl I dated while abroad. But our relationship was never what you might call "operating in a sustainable manner" even when we were together. I think mostly it was due to external factors—living abroad was not fantastic—but it's enough to make me shy away from a real long distance commitment. There is a good chance we could spend this summer in the same place, but that's just the summer--afterward it will take a lot of work not to be on opposite sides of the planet.
Should I move on? I think I could if I tried. Like REALLY tried. But I don't really want to. Or, is it at all fair to date around if I'm still hung up on somebody else, and I'm making tentative plans to see that person this summer? It would be nice to "ease off" this and it was seeming to be working until we saw each other again recently. Or should I buckle down, be content with occasional gchats for another few months, and see how this summer goes?
Note: I'm in my late 20s, despite the possible collegey feel of this question. Thanks in advance for advice or feedback.
"Not likely to end well for you," pardon.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2011
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2011
Let your emotional brain continue to feel what it's feeling. Have compassion for yourself and for your continued hang-up on her. Don't try to stop it or plug it up or end it or overcome it with your rational brain. Being honest with yourself about those feelings is the only way to start down the path to working through them. First step: understanding why you feel that way.
So, as you think about why you feel that way, ask yourself: Why are you hung-up on a relationship that didn't work? This should turn your attention from her to yourself which is the only place you'll find a solution to this issue. Your question is not really about her, or that relationship nor is it other pretty girls, or dating in general. It's the question of what you want for yourself in your life now.
Listen to yourself. You said that it's extremely tempting to date someone now. So why aren't you? Do you think that if you do that means you won't care about her anymore? If so, why are you afraid of that happening? What would be wrong with not caring about her so much anymore? What is it that makes dating tempting? Is it just that you are feeling alone? If so, consider that feeling alone is not a great reason to date. Dating can add exciting influences to an already fulfilling life, but it can't fill holes in your life.
Do you feel like you can't make some new friends, with pretty girls even, and see how that feels without saying that you're necessarily "dating" or "buckling down" or "giving up" on this girl you have feelings for?
posted by jardinier at 8:18 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
So, as you think about why you feel that way, ask yourself: Why are you hung-up on a relationship that didn't work? This should turn your attention from her to yourself which is the only place you'll find a solution to this issue. Your question is not really about her, or that relationship nor is it other pretty girls, or dating in general. It's the question of what you want for yourself in your life now.
Listen to yourself. You said that it's extremely tempting to date someone now. So why aren't you? Do you think that if you do that means you won't care about her anymore? If so, why are you afraid of that happening? What would be wrong with not caring about her so much anymore? What is it that makes dating tempting? Is it just that you are feeling alone? If so, consider that feeling alone is not a great reason to date. Dating can add exciting influences to an already fulfilling life, but it can't fill holes in your life.
Do you feel like you can't make some new friends, with pretty girls even, and see how that feels without saying that you're necessarily "dating" or "buckling down" or "giving up" on this girl you have feelings for?
posted by jardinier at 8:18 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
The biggest issue here is that it didn't quite work when you were together. Distance can be shortened or overcome and emotions can be ignored or given first priority, but it doesn't seem like this is the one for you. There are people who we connect very strongly with and can have intense emotional relationships with but aren't the right people for us.
I had a similar situation a few years ago and I am glad I left the guy and the idea of us ending up together behind. Whenever I started having those fantasies and thinking "no one here gets me like he does" or something like that, I made my self remember how bad the fighting was and how unhappy we could make each other.
I think the best thing to do is realize that you met someone special and then let it go, and remember the impracticalities (both distance and relationship-wise) of making it actually happen. It's ok to have a good experience and have it end with "if only" instead of grinding it into the ground.
posted by rmless at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2011
I had a similar situation a few years ago and I am glad I left the guy and the idea of us ending up together behind. Whenever I started having those fantasies and thinking "no one here gets me like he does" or something like that, I made my self remember how bad the fighting was and how unhappy we could make each other.
I think the best thing to do is realize that you met someone special and then let it go, and remember the impracticalities (both distance and relationship-wise) of making it actually happen. It's ok to have a good experience and have it end with "if only" instead of grinding it into the ground.
posted by rmless at 8:28 AM on March 4, 2011
You're never going to move on if you don't. I know that sounds obvious, but living it isn't so easy. There have been guys from my past that are no longer part of my life that, if I think about them, I probably have unresolved feelings for. Does that mean I'm "hung up" on them? No, because I've moved on with someone in the here and now. It doesn't mean that I love my partner any less - just that I had a life before him.
It sounds like the best thing for you to do is fill in that blank space and you'll be able to better place this woman where she belongs -- whether it be in the "past" or "future" column.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:33 AM on March 4, 2011
It sounds like the best thing for you to do is fill in that blank space and you'll be able to better place this woman where she belongs -- whether it be in the "past" or "future" column.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:33 AM on March 4, 2011
Is this girl better than the people you could date now? Was she also unavailable, a player, or somehow made you feel uncertain about her feelings for you? That is a recipe for limerence, which I think is only curable in two ways:
1. if you find out she returns your feelings
2. if you remove her completely from your life until you fall for someone else
What I'd do: Since you and her are making plans to meet again, you should find out how she feels about you. If she also wants a relationship with you and isn't dating anyone else, and if she would be a responsible and successful partner, then you two should work something out where you can be together. If she doesn't feel the same, then you should hear her rejection, tell her you need some space for awhile to move on, and start dating someone else.
My emotional brain gives a shorthand view of what my rational brain is thinking. I'd say the "animal" brain is only a part of the emotional brain. Life's too complicated to load into my rational brain all at once, so my rational brain makes decisions using approximations of past experiences (emotions) or past decisions (more emotions). Basically, my decision-making can be rational and stll be emotion-driven.
posted by sninctown at 10:21 AM on March 4, 2011
1. if you find out she returns your feelings
2. if you remove her completely from your life until you fall for someone else
What I'd do: Since you and her are making plans to meet again, you should find out how she feels about you. If she also wants a relationship with you and isn't dating anyone else, and if she would be a responsible and successful partner, then you two should work something out where you can be together. If she doesn't feel the same, then you should hear her rejection, tell her you need some space for awhile to move on, and start dating someone else.
My emotional brain gives a shorthand view of what my rational brain is thinking. I'd say the "animal" brain is only a part of the emotional brain. Life's too complicated to load into my rational brain all at once, so my rational brain makes decisions using approximations of past experiences (emotions) or past decisions (more emotions). Basically, my decision-making can be rational and stll be emotion-driven.
posted by sninctown at 10:21 AM on March 4, 2011
But our relationship was never what you might call "operating in a sustainable manner" even when we were together. I think mostly it was due to external factors—living abroad was not fantastic—but it's enough to make me shy away from a real long distance commitment. There is a good chance we could spend this summer in the same place, but that's just the summer--afterward it will take a lot of work not to be on opposite sides of the planet.
I don't know what you mean by "operating in a sustainable manner," and I'm not entirely sure it matters. Look, do you want to be her boyfriend and be good to her, and try to put your best effort as a human being into sowing a relationship based on kindness, mutual respect and affection, and possibly love?
You're thinking about this too much. You obviously like her in a special way, and you're afraid of something, either getting bored of her or missing out on someone better (note: the road not taken doesn't exist after it hasn't been taken, so it's guaranteed that you're not going to miss out on the one person who is the absolute perfect puzzle piece to your life), or worried that all your energy will have been for no reason or maybe she loves Britney Spears and you hate Britney Spears and you think it means you're incompatible. Blah blah blah. Your brain has the capacity to spook itself and to chase the same thoughts, and to just be really unhelpful, especially when your emotions are involved in your thoughts.
Now if she's the one who was keeping one hand on the doorknob and had problems that preclude her from being an emotionally healthy partner or person, in that she's not trustworthy or reliable or able to commit or is disturbed and wreaks havoc into your life, then look elsewhere.
If the only problem is that you're worried it will be a waste of energy or the wrong decision, then I'd just turn the old brainbox off. Get comfortable with not knowing. You're never going to know.
Love is important, and relationships and dating and all that stuff isn't as interchangeable or doomed as people would have you think. I get the sense that you would be better off making peace with being in love/deeply attached with potential for a deep love with this one specific person and not trying to swap her out for someone else. Swapping won't work.
afterward it will take a lot of work not to be on opposite sides of the planet.
It's only going to be hard if you make it hard and keep your hand on the doorknob, and go into this with doubt. She may decide to join you. You may decide to join her. You may both win the lottery and buy a boat.
Living your life, making decisions about what you want and how you make things work, aren't going to be convenient. That's a good thing. It means you're actually making decisions and shaping your life.
So do it. You're a grown man in your late twenties and you are stuck on this girl. Do your best to be a good boyfriend and have a healthy functioning relationship where you aren't doubting everything or causing her doubt because your brain is hissing and turning because you're letting your heart take the wheel, and tell your brain to be a team player.
If it doesn't work out, it won't be because of anything you did, because you gave it a shot and you did it with honest intentions, rather than making it a half assed game of chicken.
And I'm assuming she wants to be in a relationship with you based on your post (if she doesn't, you should leave her alone).
So stop overthinking all of this. You like this woman more than any other girl and you sound serious about how you feel about her. This is a good thing. Go see her, see if she wants to be your girlfriend, go have fun and laughs and enjoy life, and start thinking about if you might want to build a life with her and if she might want to build one with you. Because it's totally worth it, and it's priceless when it works out.
posted by anniecat at 2:36 PM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I don't know what you mean by "operating in a sustainable manner," and I'm not entirely sure it matters. Look, do you want to be her boyfriend and be good to her, and try to put your best effort as a human being into sowing a relationship based on kindness, mutual respect and affection, and possibly love?
You're thinking about this too much. You obviously like her in a special way, and you're afraid of something, either getting bored of her or missing out on someone better (note: the road not taken doesn't exist after it hasn't been taken, so it's guaranteed that you're not going to miss out on the one person who is the absolute perfect puzzle piece to your life), or worried that all your energy will have been for no reason or maybe she loves Britney Spears and you hate Britney Spears and you think it means you're incompatible. Blah blah blah. Your brain has the capacity to spook itself and to chase the same thoughts, and to just be really unhelpful, especially when your emotions are involved in your thoughts.
Now if she's the one who was keeping one hand on the doorknob and had problems that preclude her from being an emotionally healthy partner or person, in that she's not trustworthy or reliable or able to commit or is disturbed and wreaks havoc into your life, then look elsewhere.
If the only problem is that you're worried it will be a waste of energy or the wrong decision, then I'd just turn the old brainbox off. Get comfortable with not knowing. You're never going to know.
Love is important, and relationships and dating and all that stuff isn't as interchangeable or doomed as people would have you think. I get the sense that you would be better off making peace with being in love/deeply attached with potential for a deep love with this one specific person and not trying to swap her out for someone else. Swapping won't work.
afterward it will take a lot of work not to be on opposite sides of the planet.
It's only going to be hard if you make it hard and keep your hand on the doorknob, and go into this with doubt. She may decide to join you. You may decide to join her. You may both win the lottery and buy a boat.
Living your life, making decisions about what you want and how you make things work, aren't going to be convenient. That's a good thing. It means you're actually making decisions and shaping your life.
So do it. You're a grown man in your late twenties and you are stuck on this girl. Do your best to be a good boyfriend and have a healthy functioning relationship where you aren't doubting everything or causing her doubt because your brain is hissing and turning because you're letting your heart take the wheel, and tell your brain to be a team player.
If it doesn't work out, it won't be because of anything you did, because you gave it a shot and you did it with honest intentions, rather than making it a half assed game of chicken.
And I'm assuming she wants to be in a relationship with you based on your post (if she doesn't, you should leave her alone).
So stop overthinking all of this. You like this woman more than any other girl and you sound serious about how you feel about her. This is a good thing. Go see her, see if she wants to be your girlfriend, go have fun and laughs and enjoy life, and start thinking about if you might want to build a life with her and if she might want to build one with you. Because it's totally worth it, and it's priceless when it works out.
posted by anniecat at 2:36 PM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You might want to think about what might happen if you upend your life to be with her abroad. What will your life be like? Will your relationship, assuming you guys get together, be worth everything?
Once you get there, will you be able to support yourself? Will you like your new life there? Will the possibility of something wonderful trump the reality of your current wonderful life now?
Of course, she could move to be with you and you guys live happily ever after. (Why isn't that possible?)
posted by onegoodthing at 4:30 PM on March 4, 2011
Once you get there, will you be able to support yourself? Will you like your new life there? Will the possibility of something wonderful trump the reality of your current wonderful life now?
Of course, she could move to be with you and you guys live happily ever after. (Why isn't that possible?)
posted by onegoodthing at 4:30 PM on March 4, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
I will say, however, that if you aren't 100% committed to the idea of being with the long-distance girl, you should probably not try and make that work. Not likely to end well to do, and not terrible fair to the girl.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:15 AM on March 4, 2011 [2 favorites]