What should I do next?
February 12, 2011 12:24 PM Subscribe
I'm 20 years old and in college. Wondering about what I should do regarding a person who I'm interested in.
I'm gay, but not really experienced you could say, due to having grown up in a super-conservative environment. I'm living with relatives right now as my immediate family is a bunch of nutjobs.
In one of my classes I have a gay friend who I know from the past from one of those people finding apps for iOS devices. We're simply friends and I'm not his type and he's not my type. So recently when the term started, we ended up in the same English class which was nice. For this case, I'll call him Ricardo for anonymity purposes. So Ricardo and I are in the same English class and we sit near each other, usually behind me or the row to the right of me, one seat back.
At small times, I've hinted on my sexuality in class to others just a slight bit when I've asked Ricardo if he'd ever dress up in drag and I'd say that I'd do it once, just for the fun of it. So whoever heard it probably made their assumptions. And I do give off a vibe to some people...
So anyways, in the class there's a guy who I've seen who seems to really be my type and I feel attraction towards him and in more than a sexual level, though there's some of that too in there. In other words, he's not simply someone I'd only like to fuck. There's more to it than that.
One of the classes, we were sitting near each other: me, Ricardo, and this guy, working on a literary analysis class assignment in a group. I made some friendly looks at him, though I do know for sure that there was some lust in there as well at least on my part. And he made nice looks at me as well, and smiling at me at times as well. I can't say if there was a lot of eye contact, but there was some, and I do sense that there was some emotion there, though I'm not sure which, as I felt a small deal of nervousness / shyness due to erring on the safe side. And we did talk, but briefly and I was nervously hesitant only because I wanted to maintain my composure. And he seems rather shy. Ricardo was sitting behind me and as such he saw us both.
Later that day, Ricardo and I are talking on AIM and he tells me that he thinks that the guy in my English class has a crush on me, because he saw that he was blushing while talking to me. I didn't notice, but maybe because I was too busy trying to figure out my own thoughts at the moment. So when I hear this I think that maybe I have a chance to get into a relationship with someone, as it seems that it's more than just being physically intimate is what I am looking for. And Ricardo tells me that the guy is not his type and I know that to be a fact. And Ricardo tells me that me and him would look like a great couple together and I agree, in fact I agreed in my own mind before he even mentioned that thought. So we talk it over on AIM and I tell him that I'll ask him for coffee and I'll see what happens.
So the next time that the class meets up we are going over a lesson about some poems of certain authors who talked about trains. This class, the guy is sitting a couple of rows away from me and Ricardo, but even so I did catch him looking at me at times, though I'm not sure how often because I was feeling shy in regards to this a bit or maybe you can call it being cautious... So we have this class activity where the professor who is a she, makes the class divide up into groups about different opinions of certain topics, such as "----- College is a good college." or other opinionated viewpoints, but mostly college / NYC issues, such as toll prices, etc... On some of the questions she asked for a vocal opinion as to why a person from each side picked that side of the opinionated topic. On one of the questions, this guy answers and says "it's kind of like if you're going on a train and there's a spot left next to a cute chick." when referring to a question about whether you'd sit next to a person who looks like a bum or not. It seems he was talking about avoiding that seat, as I heard it. Also during that class I noticed that he seemed to have a dry mouth as you could see that he was swallowing his saliva often and he seemed rather to himself.
So anyways, after class was over some of us were heading out and Ricardo, during class told me he'd help me out, because I was unsure of what to do. Of course he somehow managed to stay behind and I walked out of the room thinking that I won't let this stop me. So I end up walking and I see this guy along with another classmate just walking together downstairs towards getting out of the building. And being kind of awkward, I said "if any of you want to meet up for coffee that would be nice" to which I just kept on walking out of the building seeing that it fell on deaf ears it seemed. So then I was walking a bit and then decided to go back to see where Ricardo was as I didn't see him leave yet. So I meet him close to the entrance and we're coming back out once more and then I see this guy again and he jokingly says "didn't I just see you walk out before?" I laugh a bit too and Ricardo and I just continue walking out and we go to the Starbucks outside of the campus and just start talking. So Ricardo and I are talking and Ricardo tells me that I can still try and see what happens in the future. While we are talking about 4-5 minutes pass and while Ricardo is talking to me, the guy walks into the Starbucks by himself and tells me "you said that you wanted to stop for coffee" in a positive, pleasant, and kind of cheerful, happy way. I've already ordered my Venti White Chocolate Mocha and he decides to order a grande coffee. So he gets his coffee and I get my mocha and I ask him, "you wanna sit down" to which he says "sure!". So then we sit down on opposite ends facing each other and we start talking. The first thing any one of us says is him when he asks me "Where do you live?" I tell him that I live in such and such part of Brooklyn and he says that he lives in Park Slope. We continue talking and I ask him what he does for work and what he studies (he studies for a Math major and has his own small business). And he's also 20 years old and lives on his own. We start talking about different things and I start mentioning my parents and the religion shunning me, but I mention it vaguely, leaving out the reasons and specifically telling him that I'm gay. I tell him that it's a whole thing from there to which he tells me "you don't have to tell me" in an assuring fashion. He also doesn't mention any girlfriends or anything showing interest in women. I also notice that he has a ring on his right ring finger. I asked him what religion he is and he says that he's agnostic (as I myself am). So we end up talking and then we leave once we finish our coffees. It seems that we chatted about 15 minutes or so based on looking at the time later. We didn't exchange any contact information, but I asked him for his real name which he told me. I lied to him that I didn't have a class after the one we just left so that way I could stay to chat those 15 minutes. During that time, he seemed very comfortable with everything I asked and what we talked about and I had this feeling almost as if him and I were thinking exactly the same thing yet trying to put on a more formal front for the other because I saw emotion and looking in his eyes I saw some kind of warmth and something else but I couldn't pinpoint it. In fact I'm not sure what that emotion actually was, but I saw some kind of emotion there in his eyes and it was positive. So we had to go our own separate ways and we said bye to each other and he went to take the train. I sent a message to Ricardo via SMS and texted him "I think he likes me".
Ricardo and I were talking over AIM and we agreed that the "cute chick" comment during class doesn't have to mean much. In fact he said that he would've said it the same way as the whole class was listening.
The way that I see this guy, I would like a meaningful relationship with him, at least as far as I know him so far, and not just sex (though I want that too as well, just not the sole thing in the relationship).
I'm curious if he is gay and into me in more than just a friendly way. The next day I will have class with him is on Monday and as such I would like to know how to proceed in the best way possible. Also since Valentine's Day is coming up, it would be nice if I could at least get something figured out by then.
I'm wondering also if there is anything that you noticed that I might not have in my description of his behavior that can shed some light on it all. If you want to know any details, feel free to ask so that way I can clarify things.
I'm gay, but not really experienced you could say, due to having grown up in a super-conservative environment. I'm living with relatives right now as my immediate family is a bunch of nutjobs.
In one of my classes I have a gay friend who I know from the past from one of those people finding apps for iOS devices. We're simply friends and I'm not his type and he's not my type. So recently when the term started, we ended up in the same English class which was nice. For this case, I'll call him Ricardo for anonymity purposes. So Ricardo and I are in the same English class and we sit near each other, usually behind me or the row to the right of me, one seat back.
At small times, I've hinted on my sexuality in class to others just a slight bit when I've asked Ricardo if he'd ever dress up in drag and I'd say that I'd do it once, just for the fun of it. So whoever heard it probably made their assumptions. And I do give off a vibe to some people...
So anyways, in the class there's a guy who I've seen who seems to really be my type and I feel attraction towards him and in more than a sexual level, though there's some of that too in there. In other words, he's not simply someone I'd only like to fuck. There's more to it than that.
One of the classes, we were sitting near each other: me, Ricardo, and this guy, working on a literary analysis class assignment in a group. I made some friendly looks at him, though I do know for sure that there was some lust in there as well at least on my part. And he made nice looks at me as well, and smiling at me at times as well. I can't say if there was a lot of eye contact, but there was some, and I do sense that there was some emotion there, though I'm not sure which, as I felt a small deal of nervousness / shyness due to erring on the safe side. And we did talk, but briefly and I was nervously hesitant only because I wanted to maintain my composure. And he seems rather shy. Ricardo was sitting behind me and as such he saw us both.
Later that day, Ricardo and I are talking on AIM and he tells me that he thinks that the guy in my English class has a crush on me, because he saw that he was blushing while talking to me. I didn't notice, but maybe because I was too busy trying to figure out my own thoughts at the moment. So when I hear this I think that maybe I have a chance to get into a relationship with someone, as it seems that it's more than just being physically intimate is what I am looking for. And Ricardo tells me that the guy is not his type and I know that to be a fact. And Ricardo tells me that me and him would look like a great couple together and I agree, in fact I agreed in my own mind before he even mentioned that thought. So we talk it over on AIM and I tell him that I'll ask him for coffee and I'll see what happens.
So the next time that the class meets up we are going over a lesson about some poems of certain authors who talked about trains. This class, the guy is sitting a couple of rows away from me and Ricardo, but even so I did catch him looking at me at times, though I'm not sure how often because I was feeling shy in regards to this a bit or maybe you can call it being cautious... So we have this class activity where the professor who is a she, makes the class divide up into groups about different opinions of certain topics, such as "----- College is a good college." or other opinionated viewpoints, but mostly college / NYC issues, such as toll prices, etc... On some of the questions she asked for a vocal opinion as to why a person from each side picked that side of the opinionated topic. On one of the questions, this guy answers and says "it's kind of like if you're going on a train and there's a spot left next to a cute chick." when referring to a question about whether you'd sit next to a person who looks like a bum or not. It seems he was talking about avoiding that seat, as I heard it. Also during that class I noticed that he seemed to have a dry mouth as you could see that he was swallowing his saliva often and he seemed rather to himself.
So anyways, after class was over some of us were heading out and Ricardo, during class told me he'd help me out, because I was unsure of what to do. Of course he somehow managed to stay behind and I walked out of the room thinking that I won't let this stop me. So I end up walking and I see this guy along with another classmate just walking together downstairs towards getting out of the building. And being kind of awkward, I said "if any of you want to meet up for coffee that would be nice" to which I just kept on walking out of the building seeing that it fell on deaf ears it seemed. So then I was walking a bit and then decided to go back to see where Ricardo was as I didn't see him leave yet. So I meet him close to the entrance and we're coming back out once more and then I see this guy again and he jokingly says "didn't I just see you walk out before?" I laugh a bit too and Ricardo and I just continue walking out and we go to the Starbucks outside of the campus and just start talking. So Ricardo and I are talking and Ricardo tells me that I can still try and see what happens in the future. While we are talking about 4-5 minutes pass and while Ricardo is talking to me, the guy walks into the Starbucks by himself and tells me "you said that you wanted to stop for coffee" in a positive, pleasant, and kind of cheerful, happy way. I've already ordered my Venti White Chocolate Mocha and he decides to order a grande coffee. So he gets his coffee and I get my mocha and I ask him, "you wanna sit down" to which he says "sure!". So then we sit down on opposite ends facing each other and we start talking. The first thing any one of us says is him when he asks me "Where do you live?" I tell him that I live in such and such part of Brooklyn and he says that he lives in Park Slope. We continue talking and I ask him what he does for work and what he studies (he studies for a Math major and has his own small business). And he's also 20 years old and lives on his own. We start talking about different things and I start mentioning my parents and the religion shunning me, but I mention it vaguely, leaving out the reasons and specifically telling him that I'm gay. I tell him that it's a whole thing from there to which he tells me "you don't have to tell me" in an assuring fashion. He also doesn't mention any girlfriends or anything showing interest in women. I also notice that he has a ring on his right ring finger. I asked him what religion he is and he says that he's agnostic (as I myself am). So we end up talking and then we leave once we finish our coffees. It seems that we chatted about 15 minutes or so based on looking at the time later. We didn't exchange any contact information, but I asked him for his real name which he told me. I lied to him that I didn't have a class after the one we just left so that way I could stay to chat those 15 minutes. During that time, he seemed very comfortable with everything I asked and what we talked about and I had this feeling almost as if him and I were thinking exactly the same thing yet trying to put on a more formal front for the other because I saw emotion and looking in his eyes I saw some kind of warmth and something else but I couldn't pinpoint it. In fact I'm not sure what that emotion actually was, but I saw some kind of emotion there in his eyes and it was positive. So we had to go our own separate ways and we said bye to each other and he went to take the train. I sent a message to Ricardo via SMS and texted him "I think he likes me".
Ricardo and I were talking over AIM and we agreed that the "cute chick" comment during class doesn't have to mean much. In fact he said that he would've said it the same way as the whole class was listening.
The way that I see this guy, I would like a meaningful relationship with him, at least as far as I know him so far, and not just sex (though I want that too as well, just not the sole thing in the relationship).
I'm curious if he is gay and into me in more than just a friendly way. The next day I will have class with him is on Monday and as such I would like to know how to proceed in the best way possible. Also since Valentine's Day is coming up, it would be nice if I could at least get something figured out by then.
I'm wondering also if there is anything that you noticed that I might not have in my description of his behavior that can shed some light on it all. If you want to know any details, feel free to ask so that way I can clarify things.
Agreeing with decathecting for most forthright response, but being familiar with your previous posts antgly, I'm thinking you'll try to avoid being so forward. You've established that there's a reasonable time after your class together to get coffee. Just do it again. It's how I made friends at all in school. "Hey, I really enjoyed coffee last week, I'm heading there now, wanna join?" You'll only have to do this a few more times before you find out if he's gay and single and into you. Hell, you were comfortable discussing your religious backgrounds during your first conversation, I'd be surprised if your sexual orientation and political standings don't come up the next time you bump into each other.
And remember to relax. Observations like this: "Also during that class I noticed that he seemed to have a dry mouth as you could see that he was swallowing his saliva often and he seemed rather to himself." Are over-attentive and creepy. You want to date him, not stalk him.
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 12:45 PM on February 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
And remember to relax. Observations like this: "Also during that class I noticed that he seemed to have a dry mouth as you could see that he was swallowing his saliva often and he seemed rather to himself." Are over-attentive and creepy. You want to date him, not stalk him.
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 12:45 PM on February 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Also, regarding what you said about Valentine's day: you've had one conversation with him, if you do something romantic on Monday you will kill this thing before it can get started. Do NOT get him a Valentine gift/card/flowers/gesture. You WILL scare him off.
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 12:48 PM on February 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 12:48 PM on February 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
Nting just go for it. And practice an edited version of your ask-him-out speech. Just cool down a little. Seriously.
posted by Namlit at 1:00 PM on February 12, 2011
posted by Namlit at 1:00 PM on February 12, 2011
I thought your post was very cute- sounds great to be young and having fun in college. It also sounds like you asked him out, and he accepted. That's great. Now you can do it again, and again....but I agree with c.bananas above, valentine's day is 2 days away, ie you are NOT going to be in a 'relationship' by then, and also maybe give him a little space re staring and trying figure out his intentions so much. You made a good first move, he seemed relaxed and happy to talk, just go from there.
posted by bquarters at 1:12 PM on February 12, 2011
posted by bquarters at 1:12 PM on February 12, 2011
Just something to keep in mind: if, in fact, it turns out that he's straight (which, from your description, doesn't seem likely, but just hypothetically speaking), it will not make him feel creeped out if you ask him out. He's a college student in New York City; if he's not gay or bi, he's not gonna be homophobic.
So, if you're worried about that, relax.
In fact, relax in general. Don't overthink things; as the others said above, don't analyze his behavior so much. At best, it interferes with you being yourself, and at worst, makes you creepy. And yes, as Carlotta said, no Valentine's Day stuff. You are way too early on to be thinking about that. That's the kind of thing that people who've been in a relationship for a while do (or, at the very least, haven't just met each other recently).
Now, as for asking him out, consider this: maybe don't. Don't explicitly "ask him out". Just keep getting coffee, hanging out, and all that. Because what does "going out" even mean if not, well, going out to do things? If there's chemistry between you two, it'll evolve naturally. Sooner or later, you'll effectively be going out without having actually asked.
Make sure he likes guys, though.
posted by XerxesQados at 1:30 PM on February 12, 2011
So, if you're worried about that, relax.
In fact, relax in general. Don't overthink things; as the others said above, don't analyze his behavior so much. At best, it interferes with you being yourself, and at worst, makes you creepy. And yes, as Carlotta said, no Valentine's Day stuff. You are way too early on to be thinking about that. That's the kind of thing that people who've been in a relationship for a while do (or, at the very least, haven't just met each other recently).
Now, as for asking him out, consider this: maybe don't. Don't explicitly "ask him out". Just keep getting coffee, hanging out, and all that. Because what does "going out" even mean if not, well, going out to do things? If there's chemistry between you two, it'll evolve naturally. Sooner or later, you'll effectively be going out without having actually asked.
Make sure he likes guys, though.
posted by XerxesQados at 1:30 PM on February 12, 2011
Now, as for asking him out, consider this: maybe don't. Don't explicitly "ask him out". Just keep getting coffee [...]
I've been on the receiving end of that. She ended up quite hurt and I was quite disappointed about the lack of honesty and gut.
If he values (brutal) honesty (and a lot of (math) nerds do), then he too won't like that.
I get the impression he is way more comfortable listening to your story than you are telling it.
posted by flif at 2:25 PM on February 12, 2011
I've been on the receiving end of that. She ended up quite hurt and I was quite disappointed about the lack of honesty and gut.
If he values (brutal) honesty (and a lot of (math) nerds do), then he too won't like that.
I get the impression he is way more comfortable listening to your story than you are telling it.
posted by flif at 2:25 PM on February 12, 2011
After Valentine's Day, ask him if he'd like to go on a proper date. If he's straight, he will appreciate your honesty. If he's gay but not into you, he will appreciate your honesty. If he likes you back, he will appreciate your honesty.
An unrequited crush situation where the other person thinks you're friends isn't likely to work out well for anyone, but specifically, it's likely to cause you a lot of unnecessary angst and wondering and overthinking like you're doing here.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:47 PM on February 12, 2011
An unrequited crush situation where the other person thinks you're friends isn't likely to work out well for anyone, but specifically, it's likely to cause you a lot of unnecessary angst and wondering and overthinking like you're doing here.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:47 PM on February 12, 2011
Response by poster: About the Valentine's Day thing, I wrote this post not realizing how soon it is. I'm not a creep.
posted by antgly at 3:19 PM on February 12, 2011
posted by antgly at 3:19 PM on February 12, 2011
There's no such thing as a sure thing, so stall hoping for concrete evidence. You can't experience love without taking risks, and that means opening yourself up to rejection. You get better at accepting rejection by... being rejected.
Don't waste time wondering if someone wants you when only THEY have the answer to that question.
posted by hermitosis at 5:19 PM on February 12, 2011
Don't waste time wondering if someone wants you when only THEY have the answer to that question.
posted by hermitosis at 5:19 PM on February 12, 2011
Holy crap, I can hear it in your head. That last paragraph - that whole thing - is your screaming self doubt. It's trying to drown out the other you(s)...
Read your post. The rhythm goes into breathless hyperdrive in the last paragraph, rushing to get all the words out.
Slow down. Don't think any more about this. Your rational mind is not equipped to deal with this. It's a matter of the heart.
He may not be ready to deal with this, there may be baggage, there are a lot of factors waaaaay out of your control. Don't get anxious over that stuff.
I am always telling my kids, "if you want a friend, be one". Y'all seem to get along. Keep looking for common ground. Hang out, in a friendly way. He may be dying to be with you, and dying from fear himself. Or not. There is only one way to find out.
It may never tip all the way in your favor, but you may make a good friend at least.
posted by Xoebe at 9:53 PM on February 12, 2011
Read your post. The rhythm goes into breathless hyperdrive in the last paragraph, rushing to get all the words out.
Slow down. Don't think any more about this. Your rational mind is not equipped to deal with this. It's a matter of the heart.
He may not be ready to deal with this, there may be baggage, there are a lot of factors waaaaay out of your control. Don't get anxious over that stuff.
I am always telling my kids, "if you want a friend, be one". Y'all seem to get along. Keep looking for common ground. Hang out, in a friendly way. He may be dying to be with you, and dying from fear himself. Or not. There is only one way to find out.
It may never tip all the way in your favor, but you may make a good friend at least.
posted by Xoebe at 9:53 PM on February 12, 2011
Ok, so just saying... I think you've seriously got all of the green in your corner about this thing. When you do work up the nerve to find out for real if he wants to date, would you update the thread?
posted by Night_owl at 8:41 PM on February 13, 2011
posted by Night_owl at 8:41 PM on February 13, 2011
Response by poster: We were talking for some time over coffee and food and I found out while we were conversing that he had a girlfriend back when he was in Seattle, but they broke up over something regarding the way she acted to him. Oh well... Sucks for me...
posted by antgly at 6:21 PM on February 14, 2011
posted by antgly at 6:21 PM on February 14, 2011
Response by poster: Maybe he's just closeted or just not so ready to open up as he doesn't know me so well... I wasn't blunt with him at all, so maybe there's still time to figure things out...
posted by antgly at 8:03 PM on February 14, 2011
posted by antgly at 8:03 PM on February 14, 2011
You had a good time over coffee and food. That's good! Now. He used to have a girlfriend. That means... that at one point he liked girls sexually. That does not mean that he does not also like boys. It does not mean he does like boys. Consider to yourself: if you never became romantic, would you still like to be friends with this guy? If the answer to that question is yes, continue to invite him for coffee every so often. Maybe include him if you and some friends are doing something fun. Get to know the guy, become friendly with him. Do not assume that if he goes along with you, that means he is into you. The only way to assume he is into you is if he tells you, "I am interested in/attracted to/into/infatuated with/etc. you." Or if he tries to kiss you. Until then, enjoy having made a new friend, and remember that you were confident enough to do this, so you can be confident enough to ask a guy out in the future. Go you!
posted by Night_owl at 12:18 PM on February 15, 2011
posted by Night_owl at 12:18 PM on February 15, 2011
Response by poster: Something tells me it's just not gonna work out. I think he's just being friendly. Oh well... I'll figure something out in the future...
posted by antgly at 5:11 PM on February 16, 2011
posted by antgly at 5:11 PM on February 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by decathecting at 12:32 PM on February 12, 2011 [7 favorites]