Did we do that?
February 7, 2011 2:47 PM   Subscribe

I hooked up with my friend but she doesn't remember doing it, what is going on? (NSFW possibly)

About a week ago my good friend (girl A in her early 20s) came across the state with one of her friends (girl B, in mid 20s) to visit me (guy in early 20s) and see the city I live in. For the first few days we're having a great time, she and her friend are both sleeping on the two couchs in my living room. Two days ago we went out and got really drunk/high; when we got back to my place we were all just sitting in my living room listening to some records when "B" falls asleep. "A" and I are leaning against eachother, I have my arm around her and we're holding hands. I go in for the kiss, we start making out, and we both go down on eachother. She stops before we have sex and goes back to sleep, leaving me a little awkward in my room (I thought having sex on the floor with "B" right there would be kind of bad so I moved us to my room, but that probably killed the mood for her right there). The next morning we get up and "A" is talking to her friend about how she doesn't remember anything about last night at all. At that moment I'm thinking that she's probably just telling her friend that to cover her own butt, however "B" left later that same day and she hasn't said anything to me at all since. On top of this because my roommates are giving me a hard time about having a guest over for more than a few days we're talking about having her sleep in my bed with me!

Does she think that what we did was a mistake and that by forgetting it then it's all fine? Should I talk to her about this? How would I go about doing that and not alienating her? I've always had a bit of a crush on her and spending this past week together (not to mention this whole blowjob business) has solidified it into a full blown crush. I'm lost.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

You guys were drunk and/or high. She probably really doesn't remember.
posted by smalls at 2:50 PM on February 7, 2011 [7 favorites]

When I drink too much, I can't remember what goes on. Its pretty normal.
posted by amro at 2:52 PM on February 7, 2011

She doesn't remember or she prefers to pretend that she doesn't. Fret not....try again. Drink less.
posted by Postroad at 2:53 PM on February 7, 2011 [8 favorites]

More than likely she's embarrassed by what happened. Let it go so you don't embarrass her further.
posted by TheBones at 2:57 PM on February 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

Just IMO, you should bring it up. This is assuming you're going to see her again. If you're really never going to see her again, might as well let it be forgotten. But it would probably be worse if you didn't mention it and she remembered it later, or you accidentally let it slip.
posted by Nixy at 2:57 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Two options:

One, she remembers, but is embarrassed and regrets it, so is faking the memory loss. If so, mentioning it would just make for awkwardness.

Two, she honestly doesn't remember. Bringing it up would also make for awkwardness ("Oh, so I gave you a BHUTAN that I don't remember... cool"), so don't bring it up.

What you can do, however, is let her know that you're interested (preferrably before she's that drunk) - just don't do it by reminding her of what's already happened.
posted by twirlypen at 3:03 PM on February 7, 2011 [18 favorites]

Tell her. "I know we were wasted, but I wanted to get this out in the open with you. Do you remember that the other night we [did x,y,z]? Maybe it was just a one-time thing, and I don't want to put any pressure on you, but... I think you're pretty great... want to go get some coffee?" or whatever.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:06 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, if she's your friend, and you really like her, bring it up. Bring it up in a way that makes it clear that it was a good time, and you'd like to do it again, but only if she's Totally Able to Consent next time. Make it clear that if she's not interested that you'll totally respect that and be there for her as a friend.

Say this all when she's nowhere near your bed. Good luck!
posted by ldthomps at 3:06 PM on February 7, 2011

Here are two more option to add to twirlypen's:

Three, she remembers, but is embarrassed and thinks YOU will think badly of her or feel like it was a mistake. Bring it up and clear the air - you had a wonderful time, you don't think less of her, you don't think it's an automatic ticket to more of the same, and you will keep it just between the two of you.

Four, she honestly doesn't remember. NOT bringing it up means that you know this big-deal thing and she doesn't. That is just super weird and creepy. If I ever found out that a friend of mine had kept that kind of thing a secret from me, I would be incredibly angry and hurt. Bringing it up privately (even in a euphemistic way - "we got together", "we hooked up") will let you clear the air.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:11 PM on February 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

I'm echoing one of LobsterMitten's points in particular- you knowing, her not. If you choose to tell her, something along the lines of it felt controlling and unfair not to mention your recollection of what happened. Framing it as trying to be fair and honest will probably help alleviate embarrassment.

Pick a time/place where she can reply at her own pace- trying to get the conversation over with ASAP would probably result in getting a knee-jerk reaction instead of a thoughtful one. Avoid presenting your memories as the truth; they're your interpretation of what happened. IMHO, it's more embarrassing to not remember doing that with someone you'd want to do it with when not drunk/high than with someone you wouldn't look at twice when sober.
posted by variella at 3:27 PM on February 7, 2011

Did you know she was blackout drunk or off her gourd high? If you did, you're basically a jerk and I'm not sure what to say. But it can be difficult to know this about someone you don't know well, when you are drunk too especially. We primates like that no-judgment juice for some reason.

If you didn't realize, talk to her about it. Be chill about it. "You don't remember hooking up with me, do ya? I hope that's due was the beer, not my total unremarkableness as a sexxor! Yeah, we started playing around, had oral and went to my bedroom. That's all that happened. I sure remember and it was way nice for me. Does that refresh your memory at all? I bet you're weirded out, and I'm not sure what to do for you but I want to help however I can. You're my friend."

Nobody's mentioned the possibility that she'll be stoked or amused. "We hooked up? OMG crazy! I cannot believe that, how awesome/random/stupid." Point is, she might not be scandalized. She might be thrilled she didn't drive/punch someone/poop in the sink like LAST time. The feeling after a blackout is really bad. The not knowing is very upsetting. I'd always much rather know exactly what happened. YMMV, but to me, being in the dark about myself is much much worse than regret. I happen to be hungover today from just such an evening, and even though I know nothing nonconsensual or untoward happened between me and my honey, the blankish spots I get from smoking pot are icky and alcohol makes you feel guilty, and I'll probably ask him to help me fill in a few blanks to jog my memory and ease my mind.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:32 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

I may be showing off my prudishness here, but I kind of think of it as a basic human right to know who you've had sex with. Suck it up and tell her - this awkward disclosure thing is one of the potential consequences you face after getting high.
posted by SMPA at 3:39 PM on February 7, 2011 [12 favorites]

Do you want to pursue something? Get her alone. "Hey A, you might not remember making out the other night. We were wasted, but I wasn't too wasted to remember. I'd like to try that again, when you're sober enough to remember." lean in for kiss. She may think you don't remember.
posted by theora55 at 4:30 PM on February 7, 2011

She possibly gets blackout drunk/high and has sex with people without remembering it. If you care about her at all, you ought to pull her sleeve to the danger she is putting herself in.
posted by Scram at 4:41 PM on February 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

Classical call for "okay, another try". You found out that that crush of yours is serious. Well, talk to her about that and she'll tell you what her position right now is. Lingering in the past isn't productive. And for Pete's sake don't get drunk, you're missing half of the fun.
posted by Namlit at 4:42 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is why people drink: so they can blame it on the alcohol.

It's possible that she was blackout drunk (you can still be conscious and doing stuff when this happens), but I suspect that her conspicuously telling B "I don't remember a thing" was just her way of driving it home to you that "this never happened."

That way if you do bring it up, she can act embarrassed and feel less responsible for any of the aftermath.
posted by hermitosis at 4:55 PM on February 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is why people drink: so they can blame it on the alcohol.

People usually drink because they enjoy drinking, don't they? Especially when three friends are getting together.

OP, you have a responsibility to tell her that you and she had oral sex in case she really doesn't remember, because several STIs are transmissible through oral/genital contact, and it's important for both of you to know your exposure risks.

Oral sex is sex (that's why it has the word "sex" in it), and it's been shown to put people at risk for some sexually transmitted infections: herpes, gonorrhea, and chlamydia in particular, and possibly HPV, HIV, and hepatitis B as well.

Yes, it will probably be awkward. But it's the right thing to do. If she really doesn't remember, you would be doing her a terrible disservice by keeping the information from her.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:14 PM on February 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

She says she doesn't remember it. Maybe she doesn't, maybe she's pretending.

I kind of think you should just tell her you're crushing on her and want to get all romantical. See what happens -- maybe it will be great, maybe she'll say she just wants to be friends, but at worse you get some peace of mind.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:29 PM on February 7, 2011

I think it would be valuable for you to bring this up with her. If only so that she knows she is getting drunk enough to be engaging in blackout sex.

She's lucky you are a decent human being who respects her boundaries, or else this would be a story about date rape.

Assuming you don't want to pursue a sexual relationship with her, you could approach this as a sort of concerned intervention. Just sit her down and blurt out something along the lines of, "I don't know what's happening, but we fooled around last weekend, and you don't seem to remember? Does that happen a lot? Do you really not remember, or were you just pretending so that things weren't awkward between us?"
posted by ErikaB at 5:36 PM on February 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

Okay, well, welcome to the discovery of blackouts. Yes this is a real thing that happens, it's quite common. It is entirely possible she has no recollection of the events during which she was visibly conscious and apparently self-aware. There's no way to know for sure but it's unlikely you will get any closer to the truth unless you discuss it forthrightly.
posted by nanojath at 7:28 PM on February 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

If I were her, I'd want you to say something like the following to me,

"A, do you really not remember anything that happened last Saturday night?"

If she says she doesn't,

"Well, that makes me really concerned, because we fooled around that night. We didn't have sex, and I don't want to make you feel weird, so if you want, we don't have to talk about it again. Or I can tell you the details of what happened that night. But either way, I am really concerned for you if you're blacking out drinking and these sorts of things are happening. Are you ok?"
posted by Ashley801 at 8:48 PM on February 7, 2011 [7 favorites]

The OP requested that I post this follow-up:
I ended up asking her if she did remember what happened. At first she told me that she didn't remember anything at all, but when I kept alluding to what 'we' did she told me that she didn't really want to talk about it. I kept asking her what she meant by that; apparently "B" wasn't really asleep and did hear us going at it in the next room. The next morning she told "A" what she had heard and at first "A" thought that it wasn't true, but when I brought it up with her it just confirmed it to her.

She told me that she rarely blacks out and gave me a cloudy reason for what it meant, pretty much: "we are in this close group of friends and I don't want to mess with that so I don't want to know". So basically she knows that we did something, but she doesn't know the specifics (if we had sex or not) and she doesn't really want to know.

I didn't tell her I had a crush on her; she really didn't want to talk about it and just changed the subject sort of nonchalantly which left me feeling kind of sad/confused. The thing is that now we're back to where we were before this whole thing happened, having a great time.

So should I just play it cool here as well and just see where it goes? Should I make an effort to tell her what we actually did?
posted by Ashley801 at 6:40 PM on February 8, 2011 [1 favorite]

So should I just play it cool here as well and just see where it goes? Yes. I am sorry your crush isn't panning out as you were hoping, but I do not see how pushing the issue will help at all.

Should I make an effort to tell her what we actually did? No. You already made multiple efforts to tell her what you all did and she was not interested in hearing about it. In fact, she told you that she did not want to talk about it. Respect her wishes.
posted by murrey at 6:59 PM on February 8, 2011

There we go. You tried to tell her, she admitted that she's aware in some way that you hooked up, and most importantly, she told you she doesn't want to know the details and doesn't want to change the dynamic. No, you should not make an effort to tell her what you actually did, as she doesn't want to know.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:04 PM on February 8, 2011

Good for you for telling her something happened. It sounds like she wants you to leave it alone for now, so that's probably what you should do. It's an awkward situation, but it sounds like you're handling it well.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:13 AM on February 9, 2011

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