How can I put the brakes on?
January 30, 2011 8:39 AM Subscribe
I'm getting overly excited about meeting someone IRL that I met online. It's not through online dating; however, we're both single and have discovered some significant and unusual commonalities. I'm afraid this might go from zero to 60. I'm not ready.
I've rushed into relationships before and it has always portended disaster. I've gotten invested in people before I've gotten to know them, and I've tended to pick people that have done the same with me. This looks like one of those times.
To complicate matters, my last relationship finally ended in November after a couple of years of mutual unhappiness and struggle. I'm on the rebound, and the person I just met deserves better (and I need some time to recover). At the same time, I don't want to forego getting to know the new person.
I've never known how to put the brakes on an intense connection, so, MeFites, how on earth do I do that? "Take it slow" in this case definitely doesn't mean not interested, but how do I get that across to the other person? I'm not out to play games but I need to keep a clear head more than anything. I need to break this pattern.
I've rushed into relationships before and it has always portended disaster. I've gotten invested in people before I've gotten to know them, and I've tended to pick people that have done the same with me. This looks like one of those times.
To complicate matters, my last relationship finally ended in November after a couple of years of mutual unhappiness and struggle. I'm on the rebound, and the person I just met deserves better (and I need some time to recover). At the same time, I don't want to forego getting to know the new person.
I've never known how to put the brakes on an intense connection, so, MeFites, how on earth do I do that? "Take it slow" in this case definitely doesn't mean not interested, but how do I get that across to the other person? I'm not out to play games but I need to keep a clear head more than anything. I need to break this pattern.
Disclaimer: I'm no good at this either.
Put limits on the first IRL meetings - very public place, limited time, wait a while until the next meeting.
If this person is not an asshole and the connection is real, s/he will consider you worth waiting for.
posted by shiny blue object at 8:53 AM on January 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
Put limits on the first IRL meetings - very public place, limited time, wait a while until the next meeting.
If this person is not an asshole and the connection is real, s/he will consider you worth waiting for.
posted by shiny blue object at 8:53 AM on January 30, 2011 [1 favorite]
"I've never known how to put the brakes on an intense connection, so, MeFites, how on earth do I do that? "Take it slow" in this case definitely doesn't mean not interested, but how do I get that across to the other person?"
I just outright told someone I needed to take it slow because I was really into him and only crazy people jump right into things without taking some time to find out if they're dating a really charming axe murderer. He laughed but appreciated my honesty and let me set the pace. He thought my thesis of "I am really into you therefore I must slow down" was odd, but since I was upfront that I was really into him and needed to move at a comfortable speed, he was willing to take it slow and not feel like I was playing games or not into him ... he knew that I just had to get comfortable at my own pace. Communicating your need clearly is good. The ideas above about how to pace yourself are good.
Now we are married, 8 1/2 years. Seems not to be an axe murderer.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:08 AM on January 30, 2011 [16 favorites]
I just outright told someone I needed to take it slow because I was really into him and only crazy people jump right into things without taking some time to find out if they're dating a really charming axe murderer. He laughed but appreciated my honesty and let me set the pace. He thought my thesis of "I am really into you therefore I must slow down" was odd, but since I was upfront that I was really into him and needed to move at a comfortable speed, he was willing to take it slow and not feel like I was playing games or not into him ... he knew that I just had to get comfortable at my own pace. Communicating your need clearly is good. The ideas above about how to pace yourself are good.
Now we are married, 8 1/2 years. Seems not to be an axe murderer.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:08 AM on January 30, 2011 [16 favorites]
You need to both be clear on the reason you're gunshy. There is nothing wrong with needing to go slowly, but it's very important the other person understands why, so they realize you're not getting cold on them. Also tell them why you are so happy/comfortable with them, talking as you are now.
For yourself and your own sanity: focus on what you are enjoying about the relationship right now, and don't try to build it up into "the next step" or "the next level."
Keep doing what you are doing now until it's such a part of your life that it's completely natural. Let things grow organically from there. Slowly. :)
posted by rokusan at 9:20 AM on January 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
For yourself and your own sanity: focus on what you are enjoying about the relationship right now, and don't try to build it up into "the next step" or "the next level."
Keep doing what you are doing now until it's such a part of your life that it's completely natural. Let things grow organically from there. Slowly. :)
posted by rokusan at 9:20 AM on January 30, 2011 [2 favorites]
One thing that kept me sane while online dating was constantly reminding myself of this:
"Until you meet someone in person, you don't actually know them yet".
Don't assume you know anything about someone until you've talked to them face to face. Not saying anyone's intentionally misrepresenting themselves; it's just very easy to jump to conclusions based on a very limited dataset.
posted by auto-correct at 9:27 AM on January 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
"Until you meet someone in person, you don't actually know them yet".
Don't assume you know anything about someone until you've talked to them face to face. Not saying anyone's intentionally misrepresenting themselves; it's just very easy to jump to conclusions based on a very limited dataset.
posted by auto-correct at 9:27 AM on January 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
It is the very best thing to meet someone IRL as soon as possible after meeting them on-line. One of the huge pit falls of internet dating is the tendency to build up ideas in our minds that may or may not match the reality when meeting in person.
Getting that out of the way, you can calm down and handle things more slowly, if that's what you need. Myself, I never saw much use in that kind of thinking. A person is either a good match, or not. And if they are, you can either build on that, or not. Except it all comes out negative if you don't try, and don't work at it.
When this all works out, it is worth every last bit of effort. It is 13 years and 1 month since I met my partner on the internet. It is awesome.
posted by Goofyy at 9:49 AM on January 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Getting that out of the way, you can calm down and handle things more slowly, if that's what you need. Myself, I never saw much use in that kind of thinking. A person is either a good match, or not. And if they are, you can either build on that, or not. Except it all comes out negative if you don't try, and don't work at it.
When this all works out, it is worth every last bit of effort. It is 13 years and 1 month since I met my partner on the internet. It is awesome.
posted by Goofyy at 9:49 AM on January 30, 2011 [3 favorites]
Say what you wrote here. It's honest, open and perfectly clear about your excitement as well as your anxieties and concerns. The other person should be able to hear it and support you.
posted by paindemie at 10:15 AM on January 30, 2011
posted by paindemie at 10:15 AM on January 30, 2011
Pixel/voice connection does not a real life connection make. Be careful of trying to make a person into something they're not just because you want it to be so. Particularly after a breakup, when you are half-blinded
True story: wrote a guy online for months, due to distance. Smart, fun, creative guy, and I think maybe this will work. He returns to the local area and we talk on the phone to set up a meet. All seems good. But, in person, the dating thing is not to be. He is the same guy from the emails/phonecalls, but there are some things you can only get in person. No go for real dating. Still we get along so well! Fast forward and now we are good friends, he is my roommate and things work splendidly.
Be careful about assuming anything about how you'll react to a person in the flesh. Be careful about the terrible letdown you may feel when things don't go how you have assumed, because maybe you have been using this person as a shield or distraction against your breakup emotions. If it doesn't work, you may be in for a double whammy of pain. I think this is why people advise not to date until you are really over the previous relationship. Someone operating from a healed position will not have so much riding on these romantic daydreams, and if the other person isn't right they can shrug and move on fairly easily. It may be much harder for you. At worst, you will throw yourself into it whether it is right or not. At best, you will have to sort through a double helping of strong emotions at the same time (good or bad).
You're asking people on the internets to help you out, but I'd bet you or anyone here $5 that this is something you can only really learn for yourself the hard way.
posted by griselda at 1:25 PM on January 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
True story: wrote a guy online for months, due to distance. Smart, fun, creative guy, and I think maybe this will work. He returns to the local area and we talk on the phone to set up a meet. All seems good. But, in person, the dating thing is not to be. He is the same guy from the emails/phonecalls, but there are some things you can only get in person. No go for real dating. Still we get along so well! Fast forward and now we are good friends, he is my roommate and things work splendidly.
Be careful about assuming anything about how you'll react to a person in the flesh. Be careful about the terrible letdown you may feel when things don't go how you have assumed, because maybe you have been using this person as a shield or distraction against your breakup emotions. If it doesn't work, you may be in for a double whammy of pain. I think this is why people advise not to date until you are really over the previous relationship. Someone operating from a healed position will not have so much riding on these romantic daydreams, and if the other person isn't right they can shrug and move on fairly easily. It may be much harder for you. At worst, you will throw yourself into it whether it is right or not. At best, you will have to sort through a double helping of strong emotions at the same time (good or bad).
You're asking people on the internets to help you out, but I'd bet you or anyone here $5 that this is something you can only really learn for yourself the hard way.
posted by griselda at 1:25 PM on January 30, 2011 [4 favorites]
When I met my now husband, we were both completely smitten. However, due to work and other factors we only saw each other about 2 times per week for the first couple of months. It was the slowest I had ever taken a relationship's beginning, but it gave us both enough time to build a solid foundation.
Even if it's based on artificial limitations, I can't recommend the "2x per week method" enough. Just stay (or make yourself) busy in the rest of your life, and daydream when you're not together. (you already have a decent online relationship it would seem?) Seriously, the beginning infatuations of a relationship are a lot of fun. Drag them out for as long as possible!
posted by Kronur at 12:56 AM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
Even if it's based on artificial limitations, I can't recommend the "2x per week method" enough. Just stay (or make yourself) busy in the rest of your life, and daydream when you're not together. (you already have a decent online relationship it would seem?) Seriously, the beginning infatuations of a relationship are a lot of fun. Drag them out for as long as possible!
posted by Kronur at 12:56 AM on January 31, 2011 [1 favorite]
« Older My boyfriend wants to take a break to study for... | Not just about shocking pictures. Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sadtomato at 8:50 AM on January 30, 2011