I really dig you man
January 14, 2011 7:28 PM Subscribe
To gush or not to gush? Quite unexpectedly a very highly respected musician who is responsible for my first emotional response to music at the grand old age of 8, and who shaped my taste in music greatly from that time onwards, contacted me for help via email.
After initial jaw dropping I gave him advice while remaining professional, and signed off normally with just a brief aside at the end to let him know that I knew who he was and that is was a pleasant surprise to hear from him.
Today, several months after our intial contact, he got back to me to thank me profusely for solving his problem. It has helped to further his latest album release. But I now feel I have to gush, and am in a unique position to gush which must be taken advantage of. His songs are some of my greatest memories of childhood. They are hugely important. How do you go about grasping this valuable, once in a lifetime opportunity to let an artist know directly that their art has had a lasting impact, without coming across as that awful gushing person? I don't want to be "that guy" - he must get this kind of stuff all the time. Quite by chance I've been given the rare opportunity to communicate directly with someone I revere. So many of his fans would absolutely kill to be me. How do you go about writing an email like this?
After initial jaw dropping I gave him advice while remaining professional, and signed off normally with just a brief aside at the end to let him know that I knew who he was and that is was a pleasant surprise to hear from him.
Today, several months after our intial contact, he got back to me to thank me profusely for solving his problem. It has helped to further his latest album release. But I now feel I have to gush, and am in a unique position to gush which must be taken advantage of. His songs are some of my greatest memories of childhood. They are hugely important. How do you go about grasping this valuable, once in a lifetime opportunity to let an artist know directly that their art has had a lasting impact, without coming across as that awful gushing person? I don't want to be "that guy" - he must get this kind of stuff all the time. Quite by chance I've been given the rare opportunity to communicate directly with someone I revere. So many of his fans would absolutely kill to be me. How do you go about writing an email like this?
"Your songs are some of the greatest memories of my childhood" is about the most excellent thing anyone could hear. I would just say that. "Dear X, I just have to tell you how much your music has meant to me. Your songs are some of the greatest memories of my childhood. I will close now to avoid gushing all over your email. Best, Me."
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:44 PM on January 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:44 PM on January 14, 2011 [5 favorites]
Write back, say you're happy to be of help, and then, "by the way," tell him what you told us: "You're responsible for my first emotional response to music at the grand old age of 8, and you shaped my taste in music greatly from that time onwards."
posted by John Cohen at 7:46 PM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 7:46 PM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
It would be helpful to know a little more of the nature of his request for help. I'm friends with many well-known musicians, and if I had to condense how this came to be into a few pointers, they would be:
1) Don't gush. Show intelligent appreciation for his work when it's appropriate by asking interesting questions or offering unusual (but credible) insight. Musicians have big egos and they like hearing from enthusiastic fans (this is true even of those with normal egos), but this is a pretty superficial thing . . . but it tends never to translate into deeper relationships.
2) Play it cool a little. Treat him as a guy with a problem whom you'd like to help for whatever reason - because you yourself are a swell person, but not necessarily because he or his music is "hugely important." If you know your interaction will last through a few exchanges, I'd wait until pretty late in the game to really mention more than the fact that you're an "admirer" of his music.
3) Find some common interests outside of his music. A few years back I hung out with a famous bandleader know for his irascible and antisocial behavior, and today we keep in touch as friends. How? We talked about a specific genre of literature and some artists he's known for enjoying (whom I also enjoy) asked him about oddball subjects like the relative popularity of rockabilly in the UK, and shared some of my more cynical or sarcastic observations on Americans (versus Europeans) which made him laugh, and never once did I even say or do anything to imply that I even cared about his band, aside from recognizing him and showing up at his band's show. Several kind and lovely people approached him, gushing, and in their presence his mood changed entirely - you could see it was real work for him to engage in what were well-meaning, but very superficial conversations. And if that sounds rude, you've got to give him credit for caring enough about his ego to long for conversations which aren't all about him.
So far, it sounds like you handled it perfectly - you mentioned your familiarity with him and your regard for him, but you stayed professional. That's the way to proceed.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 7:49 PM on January 14, 2011 [8 favorites]
1) Don't gush. Show intelligent appreciation for his work when it's appropriate by asking interesting questions or offering unusual (but credible) insight. Musicians have big egos and they like hearing from enthusiastic fans (this is true even of those with normal egos), but this is a pretty superficial thing . . . but it tends never to translate into deeper relationships.
2) Play it cool a little. Treat him as a guy with a problem whom you'd like to help for whatever reason - because you yourself are a swell person, but not necessarily because he or his music is "hugely important." If you know your interaction will last through a few exchanges, I'd wait until pretty late in the game to really mention more than the fact that you're an "admirer" of his music.
3) Find some common interests outside of his music. A few years back I hung out with a famous bandleader know for his irascible and antisocial behavior, and today we keep in touch as friends. How? We talked about a specific genre of literature and some artists he's known for enjoying (whom I also enjoy) asked him about oddball subjects like the relative popularity of rockabilly in the UK, and shared some of my more cynical or sarcastic observations on Americans (versus Europeans) which made him laugh, and never once did I even say or do anything to imply that I even cared about his band, aside from recognizing him and showing up at his band's show. Several kind and lovely people approached him, gushing, and in their presence his mood changed entirely - you could see it was real work for him to engage in what were well-meaning, but very superficial conversations. And if that sounds rude, you've got to give him credit for caring enough about his ego to long for conversations which aren't all about him.
So far, it sounds like you handled it perfectly - you mentioned your familiarity with him and your regard for him, but you stayed professional. That's the way to proceed.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 7:49 PM on January 14, 2011 [8 favorites]
Dee Xtrovert has it, with point 3 in particular. I've been lucky enough to be in this situation numerous times and long since learned to limit my gushing to a one-time instance of a sentence or two, given without interrupting the business we have to conduct. The few times I went overboard with it always ended awkwardly. (Even the one time it didn't.)
posted by greenland at 7:54 PM on January 14, 2011
posted by greenland at 7:54 PM on January 14, 2011
In a previous job I worked for a non-profit organization that was actively supported by top-tier celebrities, the kind of people who need body guards when they go out in public. The number one rule when dealing with these people was not to gush. When the phone rings and it's Laura Linney or Calista Flockhart you just say "hello" and find out what they need and take care of it. Ditto when you're dealing with them in person.
These folks are trying to live their lives with a semblance of normality and get their work done --- or get their computers fixed, or whatever. Dealing with star-struck fans takes them away from their real task and real selves and onto an auto-replay script that isn't real. Being a star-struck fan is unprofessional.
If it's important to you to tell this person about the impact he's had on your life, you could do that. But it will greatly reduce the chances of him contacting you for help again, because when he needs help he needs help, not feedback about what a great guy he is.
posted by alms at 8:44 PM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
These folks are trying to live their lives with a semblance of normality and get their work done --- or get their computers fixed, or whatever. Dealing with star-struck fans takes them away from their real task and real selves and onto an auto-replay script that isn't real. Being a star-struck fan is unprofessional.
If it's important to you to tell this person about the impact he's had on your life, you could do that. But it will greatly reduce the chances of him contacting you for help again, because when he needs help he needs help, not feedback about what a great guy he is.
posted by alms at 8:44 PM on January 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
This reminds me of a situation I was in. I went to a big Hollywood Hills type party in 2009, thrown by the homeowner's son. The owner himself was a big time producer who had developed a lot of programs that I grew up on. There were countless opportunities I could have taken to engage in some sort of conversation with him, but I held back. After we left I immediately regretted not doing anything.
Over the next year I became close with a lady who was also friends with the owner. Then my friends and I got invited to 2010's version of the party, where this time I had not only a quasi-history but an "in" on my side. At some point in the night he and I got to talking, and I was on the verge of casually remarking how much I respected his work, when he went forehead-to-forehead with me and asked me if I wanted any tea. That was when I realized he was balls-out drunk and hitting on me. I didn't end up mentioning anything to him.
So, there's always that.
posted by therewolf at 9:22 PM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Over the next year I became close with a lady who was also friends with the owner. Then my friends and I got invited to 2010's version of the party, where this time I had not only a quasi-history but an "in" on my side. At some point in the night he and I got to talking, and I was on the verge of casually remarking how much I respected his work, when he went forehead-to-forehead with me and asked me if I wanted any tea. That was when I realized he was balls-out drunk and hitting on me. I didn't end up mentioning anything to him.
So, there's always that.
posted by therewolf at 9:22 PM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
If you feel you absolutely must say something about this I'd go with something like:
"Least I could do. I've enjoyed your music for much of my life. It's always nice to be able to pay back someone who's enriched my life."
posted by FlamingBore at 12:02 AM on January 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Least I could do. I've enjoyed your music for much of my life. It's always nice to be able to pay back someone who's enriched my life."
posted by FlamingBore at 12:02 AM on January 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
In addition to Dee Xtrovert's comment, I think the new album part of this seems important because that's probably the bit of his work he currently cares most about - have you heard it? If I were replying and did decide to go for the compliment - and it would depend massively on who it was, fame-wise (i.e. his daily experiences) and in terms of character - I think it'd be "No worries, it's good to know it was helpful with the album promotion - I'm been a fan of your work and am really enjoying this one."
The opportunity to play it (positively!) cool once you've acknowledged you know him, though, is a rare and lovely thing.
posted by carbide at 1:13 AM on January 15, 2011
The opportunity to play it (positively!) cool once you've acknowledged you know him, though, is a rare and lovely thing.
posted by carbide at 1:13 AM on January 15, 2011
I think the question is, why the need to express your appreciation?
If it's for you, then write whatever you want; send a ten page email if that's what you need.
If it's for the artist, then nthing what was said earlier; if this person has any kind of fan base at all, they probably hear a lot of "OMG you changed my life".
a story from a friend of mine that perfectly illustrates this: he's telling a story about his friend "barfly guy"
Barfly guy is in this bar, it's afternoon, New Orleans, sometime in the early '90s, place is almost empty. And he starts talking to this other dude there. And the dude is asking, "where are the good brass bands playing late tonight, I also want to hear some funk, I love New Orleans music" and all that. So barfly guy tells him the places, names some names. He asks the guy, "hey, you're really into music, are you a musician or something?" And the guy's like, "yeah, I'm from California, I play in this band, we have a gig here tonight." And barfly guy is like, "Oh, where are you playing?" and he's just humoring him, totally thinking the guy is gonna name one of the local clubs. And the guy goes, "Oh, it's the Something Arena, I don't remember the name but it's out by the lake someplace." It was the singer dude from COUNTING CROWS.
Now you remember that "Mr. Jones" video, the one that was basically like the dude's FACE CLOSE UP, THE ENTIRE VIDEO he is jamming his face with the dreads in the camera? This was right at that time. So this Counting Crows guy with the dreads, was easily one of the most recognizable faces on the entire PLANET at that time. The minute this guy figured out, whoa, my friend didn't have any CLUE who he was, and had never even HEARD of Counting Crows, and didn't care, well the Counting Crows dude was suddenly best buds for life with him. And in fact, at one point barfly guy actually flew out to California, and hung out with Counting Crows dude in his mansion, hung out by the pool drinking and smoking Counting Crows weed for a few days, with movie stars coming to visit and all this crazy stuff.
Just because the guy obviously DUG the fact that my friend had no fucking clue he was famous.
posted by dubold at 4:03 AM on January 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
If it's for you, then write whatever you want; send a ten page email if that's what you need.
If it's for the artist, then nthing what was said earlier; if this person has any kind of fan base at all, they probably hear a lot of "OMG you changed my life".
a story from a friend of mine that perfectly illustrates this: he's telling a story about his friend "barfly guy"
Barfly guy is in this bar, it's afternoon, New Orleans, sometime in the early '90s, place is almost empty. And he starts talking to this other dude there. And the dude is asking, "where are the good brass bands playing late tonight, I also want to hear some funk, I love New Orleans music" and all that. So barfly guy tells him the places, names some names. He asks the guy, "hey, you're really into music, are you a musician or something?" And the guy's like, "yeah, I'm from California, I play in this band, we have a gig here tonight." And barfly guy is like, "Oh, where are you playing?" and he's just humoring him, totally thinking the guy is gonna name one of the local clubs. And the guy goes, "Oh, it's the Something Arena, I don't remember the name but it's out by the lake someplace." It was the singer dude from COUNTING CROWS.
Now you remember that "Mr. Jones" video, the one that was basically like the dude's FACE CLOSE UP, THE ENTIRE VIDEO he is jamming his face with the dreads in the camera? This was right at that time. So this Counting Crows guy with the dreads, was easily one of the most recognizable faces on the entire PLANET at that time. The minute this guy figured out, whoa, my friend didn't have any CLUE who he was, and had never even HEARD of Counting Crows, and didn't care, well the Counting Crows dude was suddenly best buds for life with him. And in fact, at one point barfly guy actually flew out to California, and hung out with Counting Crows dude in his mansion, hung out by the pool drinking and smoking Counting Crows weed for a few days, with movie stars coming to visit and all this crazy stuff.
Just because the guy obviously DUG the fact that my friend had no fucking clue he was famous.
posted by dubold at 4:03 AM on January 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
oops, i meant: "If it's for the artist, then nthing what was said earlier; play it cool."
posted by dubold at 4:04 AM on January 15, 2011
posted by dubold at 4:04 AM on January 15, 2011
He came to you for professional help and was very happy with the outcome?! I'd go a different route and step up as a colleague. "Next time you are in [fire&wing's city or vice versa] let's have dinner." And then with a tip of the glass, "Your music is a wonderful part of my life and I'd like to say thanks!" You may be able to quickly get past any worries about gushing, and on to an actual friendship.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:51 AM on January 15, 2011
posted by thinkpiece at 5:51 AM on January 15, 2011
In my late 20s, I dated an author whose book had changed my life when I was 18--one of those situations where it found me at the right time, introduced me to new ideas, and had a lot to do with setting me on a certain path. She totally did not want to hear about it. She got gushed at all the time by young women whose lives she'd touched. She just wanted to date me. The moment on an early date when I could not resist and said, "By the way, I just have to tell you..." was one of the lowpoints of an otherwise pleasant relationship. It made her really uncomfortable and temporarily derailed the really nice groove we had going. I wouldn't gush. I wouldn't go past, "Glad to help; I've always been an admirer of your work," or whatever similar thing is contextually appropriate.
posted by not that girl at 7:50 AM on January 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by not that girl at 7:50 AM on January 15, 2011 [2 favorites]
It really depends on the person.
I had a friend (lost contact) who had quite a large cult following for an animated film he made years ago. He hated it when people would talk about it to him because he found the film embarrassing compare to his current film work. It would actually make him depressed.
My boyfriend toured with a famous band a few years ago. One of his favorite bands that he has listened to since the age of 13. While he chatted it up with the guitarist and drummer, the singer and bassist were pretty rude to him when he told them how he was a big fan.
I also have a friend that gushes over everyone. And well, now she knows a hell of a lot of famous comedians and musicians. She keeps in touch with them on a regular basis and gets invited to all kinds of things.
But, like others have said, what do you want out of it?
posted by KogeLiz at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2011
I had a friend (lost contact) who had quite a large cult following for an animated film he made years ago. He hated it when people would talk about it to him because he found the film embarrassing compare to his current film work. It would actually make him depressed.
My boyfriend toured with a famous band a few years ago. One of his favorite bands that he has listened to since the age of 13. While he chatted it up with the guitarist and drummer, the singer and bassist were pretty rude to him when he told them how he was a big fan.
I also have a friend that gushes over everyone. And well, now she knows a hell of a lot of famous comedians and musicians. She keeps in touch with them on a regular basis and gets invited to all kinds of things.
But, like others have said, what do you want out of it?
posted by KogeLiz at 10:50 AM on January 15, 2011
I have a bit of experience with this as well, and I would just say that people are people, and everybody needs a friend. If you'd like to be this person's friend - and this person's art and nice response to you are probably reasons enough to start up a friendship - why not let them know you love their stuff? If you want to be friends with someone, it's always best to start by being honest. You never know; you might find a genuine new friend where the gushing is a non-issue.
Of course if you don't care about becoming this person's friend and just want to gush, well, what's the worst thing that would happen? They'd be a little rude and that would be the end of it.
posted by digitalprimate at 5:21 PM on January 15, 2011
Of course if you don't care about becoming this person's friend and just want to gush, well, what's the worst thing that would happen? They'd be a little rude and that would be the end of it.
posted by digitalprimate at 5:21 PM on January 15, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by facetious at 7:35 PM on January 14, 2011 [1 favorite]