How to console someone in a new relationship
January 10, 2011 4:29 PM Subscribe
How do you console someone without being to pushy or at the other extreme too aloof? Especially with a new partner that you don't know too well.
My gf has to deal with a couple of suicides lately (not anyone in her family, one person from work, and another a sibling of a coworker) and has to attend a funeral later this week. This is a new(ish) relationship so we see each other two to three times a week.
I am supposed to see later this week on the same day as one of the funerals. We already made plans before this. She wrote in an email today telling me more about what happened and that she might be emotionally drained the evening we see each other again.
Many thoughts are going through my head right now. Obviously I want to be respectful, listen to her if she wants to talk, or give her time alone if that's what she needs. At the same time part of me thinks that we should still keep our plans so she has a happier event to look forward to. I don't want her to feel obligated to stick to the plan if she isn't up to it. At the same time, maybe that's what she needs. I also want to ask her if she needs time alone (I don't want her to feel like she has to see me since we made plans). At the same time I would also hate to appear aloof, especially if she wants to talk or just be around me and not talk about it. By saying "if you need time to be alone, that's perfectly ok, we can just see each other another time.." may come off as I don't want to be there (or at least that's what I am worried about and not my intention).
What is the best way to bring this up?
My gf has to deal with a couple of suicides lately (not anyone in her family, one person from work, and another a sibling of a coworker) and has to attend a funeral later this week. This is a new(ish) relationship so we see each other two to three times a week.
I am supposed to see later this week on the same day as one of the funerals. We already made plans before this. She wrote in an email today telling me more about what happened and that she might be emotionally drained the evening we see each other again.
Many thoughts are going through my head right now. Obviously I want to be respectful, listen to her if she wants to talk, or give her time alone if that's what she needs. At the same time part of me thinks that we should still keep our plans so she has a happier event to look forward to. I don't want her to feel obligated to stick to the plan if she isn't up to it. At the same time, maybe that's what she needs. I also want to ask her if she needs time alone (I don't want her to feel like she has to see me since we made plans). At the same time I would also hate to appear aloof, especially if she wants to talk or just be around me and not talk about it. By saying "if you need time to be alone, that's perfectly ok, we can just see each other another time.." may come off as I don't want to be there (or at least that's what I am worried about and not my intention).
What is the best way to bring this up?
I usually just defer to "Hey I don't know what's going on but I want to help. How can I help?"
So in this case "I'd like to see you but we can leave our plans a little open-ended if you feel you might not be up to hanging out. Or I'd be happy to make plans for a really mellow evening and all you'd have to do is show up. If you just don't feel like it would be fun, let me know and we can reschedule. Would you like company for the funeral, or are you happier going by yourself? I'd like to be helpful for you as you deal with this stressful time."
She's not upset with you, so you're in a nice position where mostly you'll be able to make things better. Try to follow her lead and figure out what would make her happiest but without a ton of checking-in that might seem a little too timid or too oppressive.
posted by jessamyn at 4:35 PM on January 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
So in this case "I'd like to see you but we can leave our plans a little open-ended if you feel you might not be up to hanging out. Or I'd be happy to make plans for a really mellow evening and all you'd have to do is show up. If you just don't feel like it would be fun, let me know and we can reschedule. Would you like company for the funeral, or are you happier going by yourself? I'd like to be helpful for you as you deal with this stressful time."
She's not upset with you, so you're in a nice position where mostly you'll be able to make things better. Try to follow her lead and figure out what would make her happiest but without a ton of checking-in that might seem a little too timid or too oppressive.
posted by jessamyn at 4:35 PM on January 10, 2011 [7 favorites]
"Hey, I know different people handle these emotional situations differently - if you need some alone time, we can postpone it until later. If you'd prefer company and distraction, or just someone to quietly talk to, I'm happy to go forward with our plan (or do something more low-key)."
posted by Paragon at 4:36 PM on January 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Paragon at 4:36 PM on January 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
She may not be up for a specific event (what are we talking here, concert, ball, lecture, wild party, what?) but instead might just want some warm caring human company that evening and you can provide it. If she wants to talk let her and just be supportive. If she doesn't want to talk let her know that's fine too.
posted by mareli at 4:37 PM on January 10, 2011
posted by mareli at 4:37 PM on January 10, 2011
Jessamyn is saying here what I came in here to say. So, that.
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:39 PM on January 10, 2011
posted by Medieval Maven at 4:39 PM on January 10, 2011
If you say anything beforehand, say it the way chatongriffes suggests, bringing up the cancel/postpone option last or not at all. After a bad day, she might hear that offer as a way for you to avoid bothering with her while she's so down. Many women are brought up to believe they have to be pleasant and "good company" at all times.
It's possible you could really help by taking charge a bit especially as she's told you she anticipates feeling drained. You could plan by selecting a really comfortable place to go, perhaps a restaurant you know to be a gentle happy place with comfort food. I vividly remember a date reacting to a traumatic event that had happened to me just before our meeting by taking me into the dining room and practically spoon feeding me, gently coaxing me out of shock by telling fey and comic stories about the peas on the plate. The world gradually came back into focus and I felt comforted and cared for in a way adults don't often get to experience.
Another not improbable reaction she could experience is the need for human connection. Keeping the date might really help and she might already be feeling this is the case. A brush with mortality often sends us seeking human contact as if to reassure our lizard brains we're still alive. People sometimes find they're craving hugs even if they're not "huggers." This is the other reason I'm reluctant to suggest your making a prior offer to cancel or postpone.
posted by Anitanola at 5:09 PM on January 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's possible you could really help by taking charge a bit especially as she's told you she anticipates feeling drained. You could plan by selecting a really comfortable place to go, perhaps a restaurant you know to be a gentle happy place with comfort food. I vividly remember a date reacting to a traumatic event that had happened to me just before our meeting by taking me into the dining room and practically spoon feeding me, gently coaxing me out of shock by telling fey and comic stories about the peas on the plate. The world gradually came back into focus and I felt comforted and cared for in a way adults don't often get to experience.
Another not improbable reaction she could experience is the need for human connection. Keeping the date might really help and she might already be feeling this is the case. A brush with mortality often sends us seeking human contact as if to reassure our lizard brains we're still alive. People sometimes find they're craving hugs even if they're not "huggers." This is the other reason I'm reluctant to suggest your making a prior offer to cancel or postpone.
posted by Anitanola at 5:09 PM on January 10, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sometimes the best kind of support is providing a welcome distraction. I'd follow her lead and ask if she wants to get together, and whether she wants to talk or if there was anything I could do - however, don't feel like you need to be talking continuously about the issues at hand in order for you to be supportive. The reaction of your gf could range from withdrawn to energized (it's not unheard of for people who are grieving to want to participate in life-affirming activities), so you should be prepared to go with the flow.
posted by analog at 5:14 PM on January 10, 2011
posted by analog at 5:14 PM on January 10, 2011
Nothing but good advice above, I think. I would argue that the best approach is to be both open to what she wants to do, if she expresses such (i.e., the chatongriffes and jessamyn approach), but also be ready to just... try some things and see how she reacts (as Anitanola suggests in 2nd paragraph).
For me, the latter was best; when my dad died (I was 14), I pretty much devoted the sum of my willpower to going back to school and not moping around my house. The soft, hesitant condolences I received there made me feel like a freak, but I didn't really have anything left in me to say so. One acquaintance asked me outright to tell him my favorite stories about my dad. This was a gross breach of grief protocol. 12 years later, he's still my best friend; I haven't talked to any of the rest in years.
posted by McBearclaw at 9:24 PM on January 10, 2011
For me, the latter was best; when my dad died (I was 14), I pretty much devoted the sum of my willpower to going back to school and not moping around my house. The soft, hesitant condolences I received there made me feel like a freak, but I didn't really have anything left in me to say so. One acquaintance asked me outright to tell him my favorite stories about my dad. This was a gross breach of grief protocol. 12 years later, he's still my best friend; I haven't talked to any of the rest in years.
posted by McBearclaw at 9:24 PM on January 10, 2011
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That said, maybe a "I know Everyone deals with emotional stress differently and I want to help you as best I can. If that means doing something fun after the funerals to take your mind off things, I'm there. If that means just talking about it, I'm there. Or if you want some time to yourself, don't worry about our plans. We can see each other another time. Whatever's best for you." I think she will appreciate your consideration of her comfort.
posted by chatongriffes at 4:33 PM on January 10, 2011 [5 favorites]