Helping someone ease into widowhood more easily
January 4, 2011 10:43 AM Subscribe
Seeking advice for how to approach my recently widowed mother-in-law about grief counseling.
My mother-in-law is a very sweet lady who lost her husband to lung cancer earlier this year. The diagnosis was a complete surprise--it was discovered only when a tumor developed in his spine that referred pain to his leg, so they went to the doctor thinking he needed another knee surgery and came home with a terminal diagnosis. He died five months later, in August, after more or less unrelieved suffering.
She is of course very, very sad. She's back to work and functioning--she even hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas this year--but she has also acknowledged that she's only happy at work and that she can't stand to be home alone.
My husband and I know this is all a part of normal grief, and partly it just breaks our heart to be helpless. But we both think that she might find some comfort in a spouse survivor's group or other activities with an organization like Gilda's Club. (There is even a chapter in our town, ten blocks from her office.)
She has rejected any counseling, for various reasons. I think mostly she is afraid it's too self-indulgent, somehow, that she ought to be able to manage by herself.
We haven't pushed because, well, she is functioning and even enjoys herself from time to time, but every now and then she'll let something slip that tells us she is definitely not okay.
And we realize it's okay to not be okay after four or five months, but we're afraid that maybe she is making this harder for herself than it has to be. We support her as well as we can, but we've never been widowed--we know there are nuances of loss here that we cannot begin to relate to. So we'd like to broach the subject of counseling/support groups again.
Short version: How do we talk about grief counseling with someone who is reluctant to seek it? In a loving way--if she rejects it, she does, we can't force her. But I'd like to hear others' experiences.
My mother-in-law is a very sweet lady who lost her husband to lung cancer earlier this year. The diagnosis was a complete surprise--it was discovered only when a tumor developed in his spine that referred pain to his leg, so they went to the doctor thinking he needed another knee surgery and came home with a terminal diagnosis. He died five months later, in August, after more or less unrelieved suffering.
She is of course very, very sad. She's back to work and functioning--she even hosted Thanksgiving and Christmas this year--but she has also acknowledged that she's only happy at work and that she can't stand to be home alone.
My husband and I know this is all a part of normal grief, and partly it just breaks our heart to be helpless. But we both think that she might find some comfort in a spouse survivor's group or other activities with an organization like Gilda's Club. (There is even a chapter in our town, ten blocks from her office.)
She has rejected any counseling, for various reasons. I think mostly she is afraid it's too self-indulgent, somehow, that she ought to be able to manage by herself.
We haven't pushed because, well, she is functioning and even enjoys herself from time to time, but every now and then she'll let something slip that tells us she is definitely not okay.
And we realize it's okay to not be okay after four or five months, but we're afraid that maybe she is making this harder for herself than it has to be. We support her as well as we can, but we've never been widowed--we know there are nuances of loss here that we cannot begin to relate to. So we'd like to broach the subject of counseling/support groups again.
Short version: How do we talk about grief counseling with someone who is reluctant to seek it? In a loving way--if she rejects it, she does, we can't force her. But I'd like to hear others' experiences.
I sort of hesitate to respond, because I haven't a clue as to what is normal.
My father died quite suddenly after being sick for six weeks. As soon as we had a diagnosis, we knew it was fatal. And he wasn't in pain, so in many cases our situation is much easier than yours.
After four or five months, my mother was decidedly NOT ok. In fact, about eight months afterwards, a friend casually asked if mom was dating yet, and I laughed and laughed, because DATE, she was only now seeing friends with any frequency! And now, four years later, she isn't perfect, but I'd say she is doing well. Now, she was seeing a therapist during those first months, as well as a psychiatrist for antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
In the months after her husband died, mom's primary complaint was about how everyone had an opinion about how she was grieving wrong in x, y, or z way, and how the hell did they know what was best for her, or even how she was truly feeling. Four or five months later, it doesn't sound like your mother-in-law is experiencing particularly complicated grief that would unequivocally require counseling. And I know my mom, personally, would feel very strange at a widow's spouse support group, although she often talked with individual women who had lost husbands recently.
So this isn't a reason to encourage her to seek or not seek counseling, just an anecdote that suggests that maybe her grief process is where it should be, or where it might otherwise be even if she were seeing a therapist. Best of luck, you sound like a REALLY supportive daugher-in-law and she is lucky to have you.
posted by teragram at 11:01 AM on January 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
My father died quite suddenly after being sick for six weeks. As soon as we had a diagnosis, we knew it was fatal. And he wasn't in pain, so in many cases our situation is much easier than yours.
After four or five months, my mother was decidedly NOT ok. In fact, about eight months afterwards, a friend casually asked if mom was dating yet, and I laughed and laughed, because DATE, she was only now seeing friends with any frequency! And now, four years later, she isn't perfect, but I'd say she is doing well. Now, she was seeing a therapist during those first months, as well as a psychiatrist for antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
In the months after her husband died, mom's primary complaint was about how everyone had an opinion about how she was grieving wrong in x, y, or z way, and how the hell did they know what was best for her, or even how she was truly feeling. Four or five months later, it doesn't sound like your mother-in-law is experiencing particularly complicated grief that would unequivocally require counseling. And I know my mom, personally, would feel very strange at a widow's spouse support group, although she often talked with individual women who had lost husbands recently.
So this isn't a reason to encourage her to seek or not seek counseling, just an anecdote that suggests that maybe her grief process is where it should be, or where it might otherwise be even if she were seeing a therapist. Best of luck, you sound like a REALLY supportive daugher-in-law and she is lucky to have you.
posted by teragram at 11:01 AM on January 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You made a suggestion. She turned it down. Let her grieve as she wishes.
posted by Carol Anne at 11:53 AM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 11:53 AM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
It can take years for someone to get past the grief at losing a spouse.
Even if she goes to grief counseling, it won't magically fix what's wrong. It can't bring her husband back. It can help her feel less alone, but having lost several Very Important People in my life I can assure you that "feeling less alone" is extremely overrated.
It's very upsetting to see someone you care about going through a difficult time. Just let her know you're there for her. That's all you can do.
posted by ErikaB at 3:17 PM on January 4, 2011
Even if she goes to grief counseling, it won't magically fix what's wrong. It can't bring her husband back. It can help her feel less alone, but having lost several Very Important People in my life I can assure you that "feeling less alone" is extremely overrated.
It's very upsetting to see someone you care about going through a difficult time. Just let her know you're there for her. That's all you can do.
posted by ErikaB at 3:17 PM on January 4, 2011
Response by poster: Just for the record (I guess it wasn't clear in my original post), we don't mean for this to be an intervention, and we don't think her grief is a problem to be fixed. If we suggest it and she refuses, that's her choice and we'll respect it. If she goes once and hates it and never goes back, that's her prerogative.
But we do think a support group could do her a lot of good, so we want to present the idea to her one last time before letting it go.
I like the point that it would give her the opportunity to help and comfort others. That would definitely appeal to her helping nature. Other thoughts?
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:17 PM on January 4, 2011
But we do think a support group could do her a lot of good, so we want to present the idea to her one last time before letting it go.
I like the point that it would give her the opportunity to help and comfort others. That would definitely appeal to her helping nature. Other thoughts?
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:17 PM on January 4, 2011
My friend lost her husband in almost an identical scenario to include the disease AND the five month timeframe.
What I know about her grief process is it really took time. What did NOT help was people thinking she should be back to normal by a certain time.
Your loved one may not need grief counseling. As you said, she is functioning, albeit very sad. As long as she is surrounded by people who love her, who will respond to her cues, and who will NOT pressure her to "get over it" by some perceived timeline, she will be fine.
But do know we are probably talking years, not months. It took my friend four or five years to really get through the worst of it. But it did get better.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:00 PM on January 4, 2011
What I know about her grief process is it really took time. What did NOT help was people thinking she should be back to normal by a certain time.
Your loved one may not need grief counseling. As you said, she is functioning, albeit very sad. As long as she is surrounded by people who love her, who will respond to her cues, and who will NOT pressure her to "get over it" by some perceived timeline, she will be fine.
But do know we are probably talking years, not months. It took my friend four or five years to really get through the worst of it. But it did get better.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:00 PM on January 4, 2011
Looking at your link, Gilda's club seems to be a group for people who are "living with cancer", i.e. those who both have or have had cancer and are alive. If you saw something on there about it being for "cancer survivors", that's the population it refers to in that context. I didn't see anything there about groups for widows/widowers.
I'm not sure if you misunderstood the phrase or thought she might volunteer there.
posted by yohko at 9:35 PM on January 4, 2011
I'm not sure if you misunderstood the phrase or thought she might volunteer there.
posted by yohko at 9:35 PM on January 4, 2011
Having lost someone close to me five months ago - don't. Support her in other ways. You mentioned it, she's not interested. If she ever wants to go to counseling she will. Maybe not now, maybe in 6 months, a year, 3 years, never. Counseling can be great, but keep in mind everyone has an opinion about 'what would be good for her'. It's tiring and it's annoying and it actually makes everything worse because you're having to fend off people's good intentions on top of everything else. Listen to what she's saying to you. It is frustrating when people don't listen to you. Be there, be kind, be supportive, be compassionate, be understanding, allow her to grieve in her natural environment. I cannot stress that enough.
posted by mleigh at 10:13 AM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 10:13 AM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would suggest talking to her about a support group, not counseling. In a support group she can share what she is going through with others who will really understand. Most people find that this kind of talking doesn't cure the grief but it makes things a little easier to handle. Also, by being the group, she will be to help and support the other members so she will be giving as much or more as she is getting.
posted by metahawk at 11:00 AM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]