Someone's stolen my life and replaced it with the plot of a bad romance novel!
January 1, 2011 1:52 PM Subscribe
Needing relationship advice - and maybe a sanity check or two. I'm planning to move to a new country for several years, with the intention of starting a relationship with a guy I don't know that well yet... can it possibly work? Special snowflake details inside.
I met a guy one and a half years ago, through a week-long exchange program my university had with Japan. He's a year older than me and one of the student reps. I was roped into hosting them and showing them around. Basically, it was immediate sparks!chemistry!magic! and by the end of their stay he was certain (and pretty forthcoming despite the language barrier - he had very fail English and I had only-slightly-less-fail Japanese) that he had fallen for me. At that point, I just remember being totally embarrassed due to all the attention/teasing but unsure of how I feel since I was romantically inexperienced and not used to being so aggressively pursued.
I was definitely interested enough to email him afterwards, and we corresponded for several months, during which he said again that he liked me. Finally I suggested stopping because I started dating someone else. Guy 2 was a friend who crushed on me but we ended it amicably after 6 months because I realized it was mostly platonic liking on my part. And also because Japanese guy had somehow managed to colonize a corner of my mind and refused to be forgotten. So after a year-long communication gap, I decided to visit Tokyo and meet him, partially as an attempt to end it within myself (I know, I know, it's illogical... you don't meet someone to forget them... my thought process went: observe him in natural habitat --> see he's totally incompatible with me and/or a different person --> destroy ideal illusion I've built in my head --> ??? --> PROFIT!!!)
I emailed him, half expecting to be ignored, but he wrote back quickly saying he'll meet up. We ended up hanging out quite a lot over the course of a week, and basically it was cuteness explosion. He was really sweet and I realized, "oh noes D: I really really like him too" and said as much to him before I left. So... yeah. Plan didn't work. Now I am looking at masters courses in Japan (graduating next June) in hopes of staying for longer and giving this a serious go, and we're continuing to email each other in the meantime. This has actually not dramatically altered my near-future plans since I didn't have any concrete ones anyway beyond job hunting after grad. And there are other clear benefits like acquiring a 3rd language (I also speak mandarin) which would probably be useful, and a 2-year masters would buy me more time to look for a job.
This is only my second serious relationship and the first time I think I've fallen in love. I really want to make it work, and there are many things that make me hopeful about this, but I also see a few potential big problems down the road, especially if that road leads to a serious LTR and/or marriage, mostly to do with differing life goals - I would like to study clinical psychology in the future, obviously not in Japan, while he seems content in a relatively static (engineering) job; I don't think he will cope well with living overseas, while I see myself being geographically mobile. How much can people change for relationships? Is there hope for compromise in this case?
Am I being too unrealistically romantic in deciding to put my career plans on hold for a few years in order to pursue a possibly great (or possibly not...) relationship? Or conversely, am I overanalyzing and beanplating way too early and priming myself for failure? Should I just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, being "young" and all that? I am afraid I'll unintentionally mislead him because I feel he's more comfortable with the whole commitment/marriage thing than I am right now.
Argh, I apologize for asking such disparate questions... I'm just looking for ANY insight or advice, really.
Throwaway email: jante.loven@gmail.com
I met a guy one and a half years ago, through a week-long exchange program my university had with Japan. He's a year older than me and one of the student reps. I was roped into hosting them and showing them around. Basically, it was immediate sparks!chemistry!magic! and by the end of their stay he was certain (and pretty forthcoming despite the language barrier - he had very fail English and I had only-slightly-less-fail Japanese) that he had fallen for me. At that point, I just remember being totally embarrassed due to all the attention/teasing but unsure of how I feel since I was romantically inexperienced and not used to being so aggressively pursued.
I was definitely interested enough to email him afterwards, and we corresponded for several months, during which he said again that he liked me. Finally I suggested stopping because I started dating someone else. Guy 2 was a friend who crushed on me but we ended it amicably after 6 months because I realized it was mostly platonic liking on my part. And also because Japanese guy had somehow managed to colonize a corner of my mind and refused to be forgotten. So after a year-long communication gap, I decided to visit Tokyo and meet him, partially as an attempt to end it within myself (I know, I know, it's illogical... you don't meet someone to forget them... my thought process went: observe him in natural habitat --> see he's totally incompatible with me and/or a different person --> destroy ideal illusion I've built in my head --> ??? --> PROFIT!!!)
I emailed him, half expecting to be ignored, but he wrote back quickly saying he'll meet up. We ended up hanging out quite a lot over the course of a week, and basically it was cuteness explosion. He was really sweet and I realized, "oh noes D: I really really like him too" and said as much to him before I left. So... yeah. Plan didn't work. Now I am looking at masters courses in Japan (graduating next June) in hopes of staying for longer and giving this a serious go, and we're continuing to email each other in the meantime. This has actually not dramatically altered my near-future plans since I didn't have any concrete ones anyway beyond job hunting after grad. And there are other clear benefits like acquiring a 3rd language (I also speak mandarin) which would probably be useful, and a 2-year masters would buy me more time to look for a job.
This is only my second serious relationship and the first time I think I've fallen in love. I really want to make it work, and there are many things that make me hopeful about this, but I also see a few potential big problems down the road, especially if that road leads to a serious LTR and/or marriage, mostly to do with differing life goals - I would like to study clinical psychology in the future, obviously not in Japan, while he seems content in a relatively static (engineering) job; I don't think he will cope well with living overseas, while I see myself being geographically mobile. How much can people change for relationships? Is there hope for compromise in this case?
Am I being too unrealistically romantic in deciding to put my career plans on hold for a few years in order to pursue a possibly great (or possibly not...) relationship? Or conversely, am I overanalyzing and beanplating way too early and priming myself for failure? Should I just go with the flow and enjoy the ride, being "young" and all that? I am afraid I'll unintentionally mislead him because I feel he's more comfortable with the whole commitment/marriage thing than I am right now.
Argh, I apologize for asking such disparate questions... I'm just looking for ANY insight or advice, really.
Throwaway email: jante.loven@gmail.com
I did something like this, and honestly, it really didn't turn out like I had planned. But for me, the biggest question going in was 'if it does all fall apart, is the country in question (in your case Japan) somewhere that I would like to discover for a while anyway?'
If Japan holds no appeal for you other than the presence of this man, you are going to be miserable no matter whether your relationship goes well or not, and your unhappiness with your move will put more pressure than you realize on your blossoming relationship. But if you are embracing this as an adventure where the worst case scenario has you living the single life in a county you'd really love to check out, taking a course that you're really in to, or having an adventure that you're thrilled to embrace, I'd say jump in whole-heartedly.
For me, I ended up in a challenging and not particularly positive relationship, but when it ended I was so happy in the country that I decided to stay for at least the rest of the year, and ended up falling in love with someone else and living there for 2.5 yrs, before moving home with my new-husband.
Sometimes the happy ending doesn't look like you think it's going to, so you need to know that you're okay with the alternatives. If you're not, it's probably not your best move.
posted by scrute at 2:12 PM on January 1, 2011 [15 favorites]
If Japan holds no appeal for you other than the presence of this man, you are going to be miserable no matter whether your relationship goes well or not, and your unhappiness with your move will put more pressure than you realize on your blossoming relationship. But if you are embracing this as an adventure where the worst case scenario has you living the single life in a county you'd really love to check out, taking a course that you're really in to, or having an adventure that you're thrilled to embrace, I'd say jump in whole-heartedly.
For me, I ended up in a challenging and not particularly positive relationship, but when it ended I was so happy in the country that I decided to stay for at least the rest of the year, and ended up falling in love with someone else and living there for 2.5 yrs, before moving home with my new-husband.
Sometimes the happy ending doesn't look like you think it's going to, so you need to know that you're okay with the alternatives. If you're not, it's probably not your best move.
posted by scrute at 2:12 PM on January 1, 2011 [15 favorites]
One thing I would say is to plan all the way through to the end. Think through all the things that could possibly go wrong and what steps you could take to prevent that.
Basically you want to come away from this with a ton of good experience that enhances your CV, regardless of how things go with the guy. You say you want to study clinical psychology in the future - that would mean quite arduous effort in a competitive field from what I know. Are the masters programs going to add to that or take away from it? How are you going to support yourself? If things got really bad and you had to (God forbid) flee Japan with all your worldly possessions, where and who would you flee to?
On the other side, it's not at all unusual to take a couple of years adventuring after your first degree, I know people who taught English in Japan for at least two years after graduation. Their ultimate ambition wasn't to teach English, it was obviously to have 'venchures, but the benefits of doing so should be obvious to employers on your return.
I'd say go, but plan everything like a steel trap so that you can't go wrong.
posted by tel3path at 2:19 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Basically you want to come away from this with a ton of good experience that enhances your CV, regardless of how things go with the guy. You say you want to study clinical psychology in the future - that would mean quite arduous effort in a competitive field from what I know. Are the masters programs going to add to that or take away from it? How are you going to support yourself? If things got really bad and you had to (God forbid) flee Japan with all your worldly possessions, where and who would you flee to?
On the other side, it's not at all unusual to take a couple of years adventuring after your first degree, I know people who taught English in Japan for at least two years after graduation. Their ultimate ambition wasn't to teach English, it was obviously to have 'venchures, but the benefits of doing so should be obvious to employers on your return.
I'd say go, but plan everything like a steel trap so that you can't go wrong.
posted by tel3path at 2:19 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
A long time ago there was a tourism ad for the Northern Territory of Australia: "You'll never never know if you never never go". I've done it twice: the first time I ended up in Asia, with a man who was not what I had imagined, and it was a disaster. But I stayed in the country, and fell in love with it. After three years, I met my now-husband, and moved to Europe to be with him. tel3path suggests you plan everything, but I respectfully disagree. It's not possible; the only thing you can control is how you react. You cannot know how things will work out, but you can work on a relationship where you can discuss things, and like in all relationships, compromises will be made.
posted by bwonder2 at 2:35 PM on January 1, 2011
posted by bwonder2 at 2:35 PM on January 1, 2011
I did something like this and I have no regrets. I moved to the UK to be with a man I was madly in love with but really had only seen maybe half a dozen times before I went. It was one of those online LDRs that never works out, except it did. We were together for five years and even though we eventually decided to part ways, I don't consider it a failure and I have no regrets.
It radically changed my life because when I moved, I settled. I got a job, I made friends, I got an apartment and I loved it and never left. I went knowing I wanted the experience and adventure of living abroad even if it didn't work out with the guy, and I think that made a difference. I later met my husband in the UK and together we moved to Ireland. 15 years later I know my life would be very, very different if I had stayed in the US instead of moving for my unlikely internet boyfriend, and I am so glad I did.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:48 PM on January 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
It radically changed my life because when I moved, I settled. I got a job, I made friends, I got an apartment and I loved it and never left. I went knowing I wanted the experience and adventure of living abroad even if it didn't work out with the guy, and I think that made a difference. I later met my husband in the UK and together we moved to Ireland. 15 years later I know my life would be very, very different if I had stayed in the US instead of moving for my unlikely internet boyfriend, and I am so glad I did.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:48 PM on January 1, 2011 [8 favorites]
Just a side note as you contemplate the long view: He probably would have no problem living in Hawaii - a place where you would both fit in culturally and employment wise.
But please, do yourself a favor and just go for it. Japan is a wonderfully obtuse country where, believe it or not, your Mandarin will carry weight. Great place to study, respect for learning is such a positive reinforcement for you to stretch your mind into.
posted by ptm at 2:50 PM on January 1, 2011
But please, do yourself a favor and just go for it. Japan is a wonderfully obtuse country where, believe it or not, your Mandarin will carry weight. Great place to study, respect for learning is such a positive reinforcement for you to stretch your mind into.
posted by ptm at 2:50 PM on January 1, 2011
I've lived n Japan for 14 years and been married to a Japanese man for 9. I think you aren't quite prepared for some of the big cultural differences you'll find here. This will of course depend on his family. But you'll most likely be expected to give up everything in the case of marriage and children and you'll need to be prepared to fight against that.
Right now we are going through the living in another country issue (among others) and essentially the only way it is going to happen is because I am taking our son to another country. There is still very much a feeling of the outside being not as good as Japan, and it is likely your guy will be pressured not to move especially in the case of aging parents (this of course depends on his family again but it's very common).
Life will be easier for you in Tokyo because you'll have the support of other foreign women - and this is likely to be important. There are some groups to join and there you might get more specific answers to any questions (for example: Being A Broad). Keep in mind that his company may choose to send him to live in another part of Japan though if it is a big company.
If your Japanese is better than his English then you are likely to speak that - there is usually a language choice made at the beginning in my experience. In our household it's Japanese - and it does get tiring speaking in another language day in and out. You also have to navigate a lot of bureaucracy in Japanese here and you will need to decide whether you want to rely on your guy to help - this is a common relationship issue here.
I would make sure that in coming here you are as self sufficient as possible and with a well thought out escape plan. I would travel with him to other countries as soon as possible to see how he deals with things too.
posted by gomichild at 4:34 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
Right now we are going through the living in another country issue (among others) and essentially the only way it is going to happen is because I am taking our son to another country. There is still very much a feeling of the outside being not as good as Japan, and it is likely your guy will be pressured not to move especially in the case of aging parents (this of course depends on his family again but it's very common).
Life will be easier for you in Tokyo because you'll have the support of other foreign women - and this is likely to be important. There are some groups to join and there you might get more specific answers to any questions (for example: Being A Broad). Keep in mind that his company may choose to send him to live in another part of Japan though if it is a big company.
If your Japanese is better than his English then you are likely to speak that - there is usually a language choice made at the beginning in my experience. In our household it's Japanese - and it does get tiring speaking in another language day in and out. You also have to navigate a lot of bureaucracy in Japanese here and you will need to decide whether you want to rely on your guy to help - this is a common relationship issue here.
I would make sure that in coming here you are as self sufficient as possible and with a well thought out escape plan. I would travel with him to other countries as soon as possible to see how he deals with things too.
posted by gomichild at 4:34 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are such a great writer! (And as this is anon maybe you are a famous great writer ... hmmm ... ) Anyhoo -- I think it sounds really fun; fwiw I would personally want to commit to something shorter such as a six-month project but otherwise go for it!
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:07 PM on January 1, 2011
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 10:07 PM on January 1, 2011
All of the answers above are spot-on, but I will add my experiences and advice.
I moved to Japan for a guy. My advice - if you are going to do it, make sure that at least 75% of the reasons why you want to go are for yourself.
Do you like Japan A LOT? Are you committed to learning the language? Are you flexible? Are you OK with being away from your family and friends back home for an extended period of time?
After a 1 year long LDR with a guy I met during study abroad, I moved to Tokyo almost immediately after uni graduation. I was in a very similar situation to the one you find yourself in now, regarding language level, future goals, etc. The relationship did not last, but in the end I am happy that I made the decision to come. It completely changed every aspect of my life, though, and I am in a different place than I thought I would be. Six years ago as I became more committed in my relationship, I thought by now I would be a married housewife with two kids, living a typical Japanese lifestyle in the suburbs and running a part-time English teaching business from my home. Or maybe we would already be living the dream in Hawaii (I was thinking of getting a degree in International Law), where we would both be able to use our English and Japanese.
Currently I am a omg-maybe-I-never-want-to-get-married woman with a career, doing my work completely in Japanese, and living in urban Tokyo, surrounded by awesome multicultural people. ymmv!
Here are a few more things that you may want to think about:
- You made the effort to go to Tokyo to visit him- does he make effort for you? How does he feel about you moving to Japan? Does he know that you are serious about it? In my case, my ex was very flirty/sweet and we often talked about our future together… he was supportive of me moving to Japan, but when I told him my dreams were actually coming true and I would 100% definitely be moving to Tokyo for an indefinite period of time, he was shocked and had an internal meltdown for like a month where we almost broke up (looking back, I should have seen this as a sign that things wouldn’t work out).
- Where does he live in Japan? Does he actually live in Tokyo? If he does not live in Tokyo, Osaka/Kyoto/Kobe, or at least Sapporo, it may be difficult for you to find a good university.
-How much effort are both of you putting into language study? To make a huge generalization, it seems that for straight relationships between Japanese women and foreign men, language doesn’t seem to matter as much. However, in the case of Japanese men and foreign women, it becomes very important. Why this is so, I’m not sure, but (in general) Japanese guys feel more comfortable and (dare I say) even more attracted to foreign women who are fluent in Japanese. It also would probably help with his parents (by the way, are his parents OK with him dating a foreigner? Is he willing to introduce you to them in the future? I’ve never had any trouble, but you may want to ask him just in case).
Is he still making an effort in studying English? Is he willing to help you practice Japanese?
- Speaking from my own experience in Tokyo, many people here are not interested in marriage until they turn 28 or so. Age has a lot of importance here. My guy had just turned 25 when I moved to Japan and even though he often told me he wanted to get married, I found that he didn't plan on actually doing it for quite a while. When he turned 29 he suddenly was ready, but by that time I had long since moved on...
There may be less pressure for actual marriage/serious commitment than you are thinking. Guys often say "let's get married" as a way of flirting, without actually meaning it as a proposal. How old is he? Unless he is nearing 30 or starts seriously talking about going to buy a ring, I wouldn't worry about leading him on. Just be honest about your plans.
- You are thinking about doing your masters course in Japan, but you also want to study clinical psychology in the future NOT in Japan. What are you planning on getting your masters in? IMO, just being bilingual is not enough- you will have a huge advantage if you have another non-language related skill and/or experience.
I'm not sure about other cities, but in Tokyo recruiters are looking for people with JLPT N2 level or higher Japanese. You want to be able to do interviews IN Japanese. If you can become trilingual in all three of your languages at a high level (high enough to do work IN those languages), that may be good enough by itself to get a job in Japan. I bring this up because my uni degree was a puff major and even though I enjoyed taking classes for it, I sincerely regret not choosing a more "useful" field of study. My pay would definitely be higher and I wouldn't have had to start at the bottom in my career field.
If you are interested in working in psychology in the future, even though you may not want to study in Japan, there are foreign psychologists here working with expats, etc. Your trilingual skills would likely be rare and give you an advantage.
My ex and I dreamed of living in Hawaii someday, but I lost hope after years of hopelessly searching job hunting sites. You should save up a LOT of money before you go because it may be extremely difficult to find a decent-paying job (especially for him as an engineer).
He is an engineer... I'm assuming that he is directly employed by the company (seishain, not temp). If that is so (and especially if the company is a large corporation), it may be difficult to convince him to quit his job and move abroad, due to the security that a seishain position offers- unless there is potential for him to get an international transfer someday.
If you decide to do it- do it for yourself! Enjoy being young, and don't hang all your hopes on him. Be open to the idea you may end up in a different place than you are planning on.
posted by koakuma at 10:49 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I moved to Japan for a guy. My advice - if you are going to do it, make sure that at least 75% of the reasons why you want to go are for yourself.
Do you like Japan A LOT? Are you committed to learning the language? Are you flexible? Are you OK with being away from your family and friends back home for an extended period of time?
After a 1 year long LDR with a guy I met during study abroad, I moved to Tokyo almost immediately after uni graduation. I was in a very similar situation to the one you find yourself in now, regarding language level, future goals, etc. The relationship did not last, but in the end I am happy that I made the decision to come. It completely changed every aspect of my life, though, and I am in a different place than I thought I would be. Six years ago as I became more committed in my relationship, I thought by now I would be a married housewife with two kids, living a typical Japanese lifestyle in the suburbs and running a part-time English teaching business from my home. Or maybe we would already be living the dream in Hawaii (I was thinking of getting a degree in International Law), where we would both be able to use our English and Japanese.
Currently I am a omg-maybe-I-never-want-to-get-married woman with a career, doing my work completely in Japanese, and living in urban Tokyo, surrounded by awesome multicultural people. ymmv!
Here are a few more things that you may want to think about:
- You made the effort to go to Tokyo to visit him- does he make effort for you? How does he feel about you moving to Japan? Does he know that you are serious about it? In my case, my ex was very flirty/sweet and we often talked about our future together… he was supportive of me moving to Japan, but when I told him my dreams were actually coming true and I would 100% definitely be moving to Tokyo for an indefinite period of time, he was shocked and had an internal meltdown for like a month where we almost broke up (looking back, I should have seen this as a sign that things wouldn’t work out).
- Where does he live in Japan? Does he actually live in Tokyo? If he does not live in Tokyo, Osaka/Kyoto/Kobe, or at least Sapporo, it may be difficult for you to find a good university.
-How much effort are both of you putting into language study? To make a huge generalization, it seems that for straight relationships between Japanese women and foreign men, language doesn’t seem to matter as much. However, in the case of Japanese men and foreign women, it becomes very important. Why this is so, I’m not sure, but (in general) Japanese guys feel more comfortable and (dare I say) even more attracted to foreign women who are fluent in Japanese. It also would probably help with his parents (by the way, are his parents OK with him dating a foreigner? Is he willing to introduce you to them in the future? I’ve never had any trouble, but you may want to ask him just in case).
Is he still making an effort in studying English? Is he willing to help you practice Japanese?
- Speaking from my own experience in Tokyo, many people here are not interested in marriage until they turn 28 or so. Age has a lot of importance here. My guy had just turned 25 when I moved to Japan and even though he often told me he wanted to get married, I found that he didn't plan on actually doing it for quite a while. When he turned 29 he suddenly was ready, but by that time I had long since moved on...
There may be less pressure for actual marriage/serious commitment than you are thinking. Guys often say "let's get married" as a way of flirting, without actually meaning it as a proposal. How old is he? Unless he is nearing 30 or starts seriously talking about going to buy a ring, I wouldn't worry about leading him on. Just be honest about your plans.
- You are thinking about doing your masters course in Japan, but you also want to study clinical psychology in the future NOT in Japan. What are you planning on getting your masters in? IMO, just being bilingual is not enough- you will have a huge advantage if you have another non-language related skill and/or experience.
I'm not sure about other cities, but in Tokyo recruiters are looking for people with JLPT N2 level or higher Japanese. You want to be able to do interviews IN Japanese. If you can become trilingual in all three of your languages at a high level (high enough to do work IN those languages), that may be good enough by itself to get a job in Japan. I bring this up because my uni degree was a puff major and even though I enjoyed taking classes for it, I sincerely regret not choosing a more "useful" field of study. My pay would definitely be higher and I wouldn't have had to start at the bottom in my career field.
If you are interested in working in psychology in the future, even though you may not want to study in Japan, there are foreign psychologists here working with expats, etc. Your trilingual skills would likely be rare and give you an advantage.
My ex and I dreamed of living in Hawaii someday, but I lost hope after years of hopelessly searching job hunting sites. You should save up a LOT of money before you go because it may be extremely difficult to find a decent-paying job (especially for him as an engineer).
He is an engineer... I'm assuming that he is directly employed by the company (seishain, not temp). If that is so (and especially if the company is a large corporation), it may be difficult to convince him to quit his job and move abroad, due to the security that a seishain position offers- unless there is potential for him to get an international transfer someday.
If you decide to do it- do it for yourself! Enjoy being young, and don't hang all your hopes on him. Be open to the idea you may end up in a different place than you are planning on.
posted by koakuma at 10:49 PM on January 1, 2011 [1 favorite]
I agree with koakuma in that going to Japan should be a decision you're making for yourself and not for the sake of a relationship. I moved abroad for a relationship but at the same time made sure I was doing something with myself... I went to university, I made friends, I had my own life there. So much in fact that I consider this place my home now.
In terms of the long term stability, I dont think you should think that far ahead. It's funny how much you can give up for someone and that isn't always reciprocated. If you go, see how it works... it might not be all that you expect. And if it's great and you see potential in the long term/marriage, then you can both work together in seeing where you guys could live and how your careers could work.
posted by wtfomghilol at 8:48 AM on January 2, 2011
In terms of the long term stability, I dont think you should think that far ahead. It's funny how much you can give up for someone and that isn't always reciprocated. If you go, see how it works... it might not be all that you expect. And if it's great and you see potential in the long term/marriage, then you can both work together in seeing where you guys could live and how your careers could work.
posted by wtfomghilol at 8:48 AM on January 2, 2011
I agree with most of what's been said (and I moved to a foreign country for a newish relationship, we're still going strong, though I moved with my partner, not to them.).
Like squishles says, you need to be confident that this country/culture is interesting enough that you'd be happy there for a time on your own.
I'd not go as far as tel3path, but do at least think through what your options may be (broadly) if the relationship ends, and how you will handle/finance them. For me it was simply have enough liquid cash to get home / back on my feet. I thought that was planning enough, and it never felt like I was planning for or creating an inevitability.
As everyone else has said, if you don't go, you won't know. Go, but be prepared.
posted by markovitch at 5:34 AM on January 3, 2011
Like squishles says, you need to be confident that this country/culture is interesting enough that you'd be happy there for a time on your own.
I'd not go as far as tel3path, but do at least think through what your options may be (broadly) if the relationship ends, and how you will handle/finance them. For me it was simply have enough liquid cash to get home / back on my feet. I thought that was planning enough, and it never felt like I was planning for or creating an inevitability.
As everyone else has said, if you don't go, you won't know. Go, but be prepared.
posted by markovitch at 5:34 AM on January 3, 2011
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Another part of being on the same page is of you both making investments in the relationship. You're thinking of changing your life plans for him: what is he prepared to do for you?
Maybe it would be a good idea to visit Japan again for a shorter time to simultaneously (1) see how you go with him, and (2) see whether you find your masters programme. It'd be really awesome if you could find a way to go there for strong enough reasons that you'd still be happy (theoretically at least) to be there even if it didn't work out with this guy.
Good luck.
posted by squishles at 2:03 PM on January 1, 2011