Lesbian Cat Drama
December 26, 2010 12:32 PM Subscribe
Should I give my ex a portion of my cat's ashes?
Asking for a friend:
My cat passed away this weekend and an ex-girlfriend of mine wants to have a portion of his ashes. I don't feel right about it.
Background: My ex and I had lived with Cat for four years when she moved out in 2006. Ex-girlfriend loved Cat, but from what I saw it was because he was a sweet, interesting cat, and not necessarily because he had a special connection with her. Cat didn't seem to like her very much and the couple of times she visited me after the break up, he wasn't excited to see her.
I was calling people to let them know about his passing (he was a special, very loved cat) and when I told Ex, she started crying very hard (she can be very emotional about things and tends to cry a lot) and asked if he needs a place to be buried. I said he was cremated, and she started to ask if she could have some of his ashes, and it was awkward so I finished the statement for her and said "maybe that could work." I am now stuck in a weird place.
I feel very uncomfortable breaking up his ashes, especially since it kind of feels like a souvenir for her (how about his mouse toy, Ex?). This cat really meant the world to me and was a good, good friend. He's going to be missed by many people.
Part II: If I don't give her a part of his ashes, how should I go about telling her it's not ok?
Asking for a friend:
My cat passed away this weekend and an ex-girlfriend of mine wants to have a portion of his ashes. I don't feel right about it.
Background: My ex and I had lived with Cat for four years when she moved out in 2006. Ex-girlfriend loved Cat, but from what I saw it was because he was a sweet, interesting cat, and not necessarily because he had a special connection with her. Cat didn't seem to like her very much and the couple of times she visited me after the break up, he wasn't excited to see her.
I was calling people to let them know about his passing (he was a special, very loved cat) and when I told Ex, she started crying very hard (she can be very emotional about things and tends to cry a lot) and asked if he needs a place to be buried. I said he was cremated, and she started to ask if she could have some of his ashes, and it was awkward so I finished the statement for her and said "maybe that could work." I am now stuck in a weird place.
I feel very uncomfortable breaking up his ashes, especially since it kind of feels like a souvenir for her (how about his mouse toy, Ex?). This cat really meant the world to me and was a good, good friend. He's going to be missed by many people.
Part II: If I don't give her a part of his ashes, how should I go about telling her it's not ok?
I think offering her one of the cats toys is a lovely suggestion, and entirely appropriate in this situation.
posted by lemniskate at 12:38 PM on December 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by lemniskate at 12:38 PM on December 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Offer the mouse toy and maybe a framed picture if you're weirded out by distributing the ashes. You can tell her as much -- "It seems weird that I'd split up his cremated body, but I know he was special to you so here's this toy and a great picture of him. He was a great little guy, wasn't he? Thank you for being part of his life and I am glad he was part of yours."
High road it, man. This isn't a time to start bickering about who the cat liked more or didn't like at all.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:39 PM on December 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
High road it, man. This isn't a time to start bickering about who the cat liked more or didn't like at all.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:39 PM on December 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
What could you possibly gain by not doing this?
posted by Aquaman at 12:41 PM on December 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by Aquaman at 12:41 PM on December 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
Agree with floam- they aren't just your cat's ashes. If you don't want to give your ex the ashes you got from the vet, give her some other ashes. Don't lie, just hand her some ashes with a picture of the cat.
posted by TheBones at 12:46 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by TheBones at 12:46 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ex-girlfriend loved Cat, but from what I saw it was because he was a sweet, interesting cat, and not necessarily because he had a special connection with her. Cat didn't seem to like her very much and the couple of times she visited me after the break up, he wasn't excited to see her.
this seems weird to me - like you're trying to decide for her how she felt about the cat and then using the cat's disinterest to drive that point home. she obviously felt enough to cry over the passing and cats aren't exactly known for showing favor to humans by and large, especially humans who have moved out and are back for a visit.
if you're on good enough terms to call and tell her about the passing and she was a housemate to the cat, i don't really see why you wouldn't give her a locket sized portion of the ashes.
you, of course, don't have to - i'm just saying that i would.
posted by nadawi at 12:49 PM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
this seems weird to me - like you're trying to decide for her how she felt about the cat and then using the cat's disinterest to drive that point home. she obviously felt enough to cry over the passing and cats aren't exactly known for showing favor to humans by and large, especially humans who have moved out and are back for a visit.
if you're on good enough terms to call and tell her about the passing and she was a housemate to the cat, i don't really see why you wouldn't give her a locket sized portion of the ashes.
you, of course, don't have to - i'm just saying that i would.
posted by nadawi at 12:49 PM on December 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
As a postscript, because there seems to be a history of drama with the ex from your description of her and we don't know if she's still in your social circle or not, I urge you to kind of weigh out the pros and cons of whatever you do. This is a situation where you have to put yourself in her place and also just come to terms with it on a human level.
You have to find a balance in maintaining your own comfort level with what you do, your loss and grief, keeping good karma and not kicking over a drama beehive with this girl.
Really sorry about your cat, too. Always sad to lose a friend.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:50 PM on December 26, 2010
You have to find a balance in maintaining your own comfort level with what you do, your loss and grief, keeping good karma and not kicking over a drama beehive with this girl.
Really sorry about your cat, too. Always sad to lose a friend.
posted by jerseygirl at 12:50 PM on December 26, 2010
In my family, we often share bits of ash from loved family members with friends and family as a nice connection and memento. In one case where someone wanted ashes from my grandmother and my grandmother had explicitly asked not to be shared with that person, my uncle gave that person a little vial of ash from his fireplace.
posted by rosa at 1:02 PM on December 26, 2010
posted by rosa at 1:02 PM on December 26, 2010
Best answer: As a funeral director, I run into questions like this all of the time (but with non-feline customers). My advice is always this: there is no harm in sharing the remains with someone who loved this person (cat), and a lot of possible harm to the other person in not sharing. Whatever you do: don't lie. Because I've seen families hand over bags of fireplace ashes and you know what happens? Someone tells them. Eventually someone tells them. And it's heartbreaking to find out that you've grieved over a sack of burnt woodchips. Don't be that person. Either do or don't share the ashes, but be honest.
posted by ColdChef at 1:05 PM on December 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
posted by ColdChef at 1:05 PM on December 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
Ex-girlfriend loved Cat, but from what I saw it was because he was a sweet, interesting cat, and not necessarily because he had a special connection with her.
Your ex loved the cat. You don't have to give her the cat's ashes, but don't trivialize her feelings for the cat because she's your ex.
she started crying very hard (she can be very emotional about things and tends to cry a lot)
Again you are dissing the ex here, unnecessarily.
I finished the statement for her
Why?
it kind of feels like a souvenir for her (how about his mouse toy, Ex?)
It was your cat, so you get to decide what to do with its ashes and toys. You don't need to criticize other people or make them look insincere to internet people to justify your decision not to give your cat's ashes away. If you want to keep the ashes and give your ex a mouse toy, then say "I'd rather not split up the cat's ashes but if you would like a memento I would love to give you his mouse toy."
posted by headnsouth at 1:06 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Your ex loved the cat. You don't have to give her the cat's ashes, but don't trivialize her feelings for the cat because she's your ex.
she started crying very hard (she can be very emotional about things and tends to cry a lot)
Again you are dissing the ex here, unnecessarily.
I finished the statement for her
Why?
it kind of feels like a souvenir for her (how about his mouse toy, Ex?)
It was your cat, so you get to decide what to do with its ashes and toys. You don't need to criticize other people or make them look insincere to internet people to justify your decision not to give your cat's ashes away. If you want to keep the ashes and give your ex a mouse toy, then say "I'd rather not split up the cat's ashes but if you would like a memento I would love to give you his mouse toy."
posted by headnsouth at 1:06 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
If you don't want to do it, just tell her that you'd rather not separate the ashes. Then if she pushes, offer the toy. If you're okay with it, then it would be a kindness to do so. Think about it, if you were in her shoes, would you want her to do it?
It all depends on what you feel about the ashes. Me, I don't tend to sentimentalize that sort of thing, but your mileage may (and apparently does) vary from mine.
posted by inturnaround at 1:08 PM on December 26, 2010
It all depends on what you feel about the ashes. Me, I don't tend to sentimentalize that sort of thing, but your mileage may (and apparently does) vary from mine.
posted by inturnaround at 1:08 PM on December 26, 2010
I wouldn't want to split apart my cat's ashes. Don't make this about the cat's relationship with her, just say, "I thought about it, but I just can't bring myself to split up his remains. I know it's odd, and I'm sorry. But here's his toy/collar/bowl/whatever. I hope you can have fond memories of him when you see it."
posted by christinetheslp at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by christinetheslp at 1:09 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't feel right about it.
That's your answer - you are not obligated to share something so meaningful to you with someone you have mixed feelings about (not necessarily in terms of how you want your current friendship to work, but just in the big picture sense of, it's sort of complicated, the way relationships with exes can be). And you can even tell her that you don't feel right about it, though you don't have to go into it relating specifically to her, but just dividing the ashes at all. I like the idea of offering her something else as a token of memorial too, but if you don't feel up to it, don't feel obligated to do that either. You don't owe her anything, and she hasn't lived with the cat for four years, so really she's the one who should be offering you comfort, more than the reverse.
posted by mdn at 1:14 PM on December 26, 2010
That's your answer - you are not obligated to share something so meaningful to you with someone you have mixed feelings about (not necessarily in terms of how you want your current friendship to work, but just in the big picture sense of, it's sort of complicated, the way relationships with exes can be). And you can even tell her that you don't feel right about it, though you don't have to go into it relating specifically to her, but just dividing the ashes at all. I like the idea of offering her something else as a token of memorial too, but if you don't feel up to it, don't feel obligated to do that either. You don't owe her anything, and she hasn't lived with the cat for four years, so really she's the one who should be offering you comfort, more than the reverse.
posted by mdn at 1:14 PM on December 26, 2010
Response by poster: Anthropoid's friend here, just wanted to clarify that we did pay for individual cremation, so I am sure that they will actually be Cat's ashes I'm keeping.
I do have a good friendship with Ex. And had I seen Cat be nearly as affectionate toward her as he had been with other people since she moved out, sharing his ashes wouldn't even have been a question for me.
I'm not considering lying to her about it, and will definitely be up-front about whatever I decide. I like the locket-sized portion idea, and if I go with that I'll likely give a small bit of him to many people he loved to share him with the world.
Thanks for your thoughtful answers and kind support during a really sad time. More responses welcomed!
posted by anthropoid at 1:35 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I do have a good friendship with Ex. And had I seen Cat be nearly as affectionate toward her as he had been with other people since she moved out, sharing his ashes wouldn't even have been a question for me.
I'm not considering lying to her about it, and will definitely be up-front about whatever I decide. I like the locket-sized portion idea, and if I go with that I'll likely give a small bit of him to many people he loved to share him with the world.
Thanks for your thoughtful answers and kind support during a really sad time. More responses welcomed!
posted by anthropoid at 1:35 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, this is weird. It's weird that she asked, and it would be weird of you to do it. Your gut feeling is correct. I don't think she needs one of the cat toys either. You know she may now be sitting at home embarrassed about what she said; it could just be she was caught up in the emotion of the moment and wasn't thinking clearly. I would call her back (or better yet, send her an email with a picture attached) and say "Hey I thought about it and I think I'd rather not divide up his remains. We all loved Kitty very much and it's hitting us all very hard. I hope you feel better soon."
posted by amethysts at 1:37 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 1:37 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
> And had I seen Cat be nearly as affectionate toward her as he had been with other people since she moved out, sharing his ashes wouldn't even have been a question for me.
It seems the problem isn't that you will be splitting the ashes, but that Cat didn't love Ex enough (according to you). To which I can only say, dude, stop keeping count and give her some of the ashes. They are just ashes. Isn't it enough that Ex loved her enough to ask?
posted by adahn at 1:51 PM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
It seems the problem isn't that you will be splitting the ashes, but that Cat didn't love Ex enough (according to you). To which I can only say, dude, stop keeping count and give her some of the ashes. They are just ashes. Isn't it enough that Ex loved her enough to ask?
posted by adahn at 1:51 PM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Not knowing her personally I cannot really speak for her wishes here. But to me (and this is purely speculation based on my past experiences with ex's), maybe she's looking more for a reason to stay connected to you, or the memory of a time past, than the cat itself? The ashes take on more of a symbolic role in this request. For me, it was moreso inanimate things...but pretty much things that became parts of strange requests..and would often have got me going out of my way to accomodate...some of which I did, just as an excuse to reconnect a little..some of which I flat out declined to do as I felt it was unfair. I'm definitely not an expert on past relationships, just wanted to share something I've personally noticed about relationships that have long since ended...the parting feelings may have been nice, harsh, or bittersweet, but there's almost always something that remains to kindle a longing to reconnect or find some common nostalgais about the good times later on in life.
I can definitely empathise and feel sorry for your loss. What you'll have to do is work this one out in your head. Based on how you feel and what you've said so far, do what feels right for you and the integrity of your cat's ashes. Just don't go out of your way if you have no desire to introduce this sort of thing in your frienship with her. If you do decide to do it, the locket sized portion to her and others who loved the cat is definitely a fair option...while also giving the impression that you're not going out of your way for anyone who receives them.
posted by samsara at 2:12 PM on December 26, 2010
I can definitely empathise and feel sorry for your loss. What you'll have to do is work this one out in your head. Based on how you feel and what you've said so far, do what feels right for you and the integrity of your cat's ashes. Just don't go out of your way if you have no desire to introduce this sort of thing in your frienship with her. If you do decide to do it, the locket sized portion to her and others who loved the cat is definitely a fair option...while also giving the impression that you're not going out of your way for anyone who receives them.
posted by samsara at 2:12 PM on December 26, 2010
You seem to have taken great care to make the case to us that:
1. The cat didn't like and didn't care about your ex and they had no "special connection";
2. Your ex only *appears* to care deeply about your cat/your cat's ashes because she's an overly emotional person and she's kind of into souvenirs.
These two things don't make logical sense
If the cat didn't care about/didn't like your ex and they had no connection, and your ex also didn't care all that much about your cat, then why would you have even taken the initiative to call your ex and let your ex know of your cat's death??? Seriously, what would the point be there? Presumably, you didn't also call up your mailman and your insurance agent to let them know too. Why would such people even care to know the news?
The only possible purpose I can think of to calling up people who your cat didn't care about&who didn't care about your cat, would be to garner sympathy and emotional support for yourself.
Now, I don't think that's a bad thing or selfish in and of itself.
But I do think it is extremely selfish to initiate contact with your ex for the purpose of procuring sympathy and emotional support from her, while at the same time going strongly out of your way to deny and invalidate her own emotions.
I think you are denying and invalidating her emotions and relationship to your pet as a defense so you can get out of giving her the ashes and feel justified. Now, I don't think you have to give her his ashes, and given you finished the statement for her, that might not even have been what she was about to ask. (And if it wasn't, she may not feel as awkward at the idea of receiving the ashes as you do at giving them.)
You can go about this in a nicer and more mature way without minimizing/being contemptuous and denying the way she feels.
All you have to do is tell her, "Susan, I know you loved my cat, and he was important to you. And I am grateful to you for caring that much about him. Somehow, I feel really uncomfortable about splitting up his ashes. But I would really like you to have something of his to remember him by. I have some of his things, such as X, Y, or Z, and I would like you to have one of them if you want."
posted by Ashley801 at 2:37 PM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
1. The cat didn't like and didn't care about your ex and they had no "special connection";
2. Your ex only *appears* to care deeply about your cat/your cat's ashes because she's an overly emotional person and she's kind of into souvenirs.
These two things don't make logical sense
If the cat didn't care about/didn't like your ex and they had no connection, and your ex also didn't care all that much about your cat, then why would you have even taken the initiative to call your ex and let your ex know of your cat's death??? Seriously, what would the point be there? Presumably, you didn't also call up your mailman and your insurance agent to let them know too. Why would such people even care to know the news?
The only possible purpose I can think of to calling up people who your cat didn't care about&who didn't care about your cat, would be to garner sympathy and emotional support for yourself.
Now, I don't think that's a bad thing or selfish in and of itself.
But I do think it is extremely selfish to initiate contact with your ex for the purpose of procuring sympathy and emotional support from her, while at the same time going strongly out of your way to deny and invalidate her own emotions.
I think you are denying and invalidating her emotions and relationship to your pet as a defense so you can get out of giving her the ashes and feel justified. Now, I don't think you have to give her his ashes, and given you finished the statement for her, that might not even have been what she was about to ask. (And if it wasn't, she may not feel as awkward at the idea of receiving the ashes as you do at giving them.)
You can go about this in a nicer and more mature way without minimizing/being contemptuous and denying the way she feels.
All you have to do is tell her, "Susan, I know you loved my cat, and he was important to you. And I am grateful to you for caring that much about him. Somehow, I feel really uncomfortable about splitting up his ashes. But I would really like you to have something of his to remember him by. I have some of his things, such as X, Y, or Z, and I would like you to have one of them if you want."
posted by Ashley801 at 2:37 PM on December 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry about your kitty. He had a great life with you, and it speaks well of you that now, even after his death, you're trying to do the right thing.
A long time ago, I walked away from an almost decade-long (on-and-off) relationship. That meant walking away from his family, too--including the cats and dogs. The grapevine told me about the animals' deaths, one by one, and it hurt me every time. Though I felt entitled to grieve privately, *it was no longer my place to impose my sadness on my ex or his family* because I was the one who chose to end my association with them.
Her needs are valid, but you no longer have to attend to them as closely as you did during the relationship. I like the advice to send her one of his toys, a picture and a written memory of the two of them together. That honors her grief, while keeping your continuing relationship with the memory of your cat intact.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:52 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
A long time ago, I walked away from an almost decade-long (on-and-off) relationship. That meant walking away from his family, too--including the cats and dogs. The grapevine told me about the animals' deaths, one by one, and it hurt me every time. Though I felt entitled to grieve privately, *it was no longer my place to impose my sadness on my ex or his family* because I was the one who chose to end my association with them.
Her needs are valid, but you no longer have to attend to them as closely as you did during the relationship. I like the advice to send her one of his toys, a picture and a written memory of the two of them together. That honors her grief, while keeping your continuing relationship with the memory of your cat intact.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:52 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
She is your ex. She hasn't lived with your cat in four years. This seems unnecessarily complicated, just warmly thank her for being there for you when you were upset, tell her that you've already made plans for the ashes, but you would love to send you a favorite picture or two of the cat and maybe a cat toy, would that be something she'd appreciate?
FWIW, if this happened with me I'd be slightly weirded out by the request that I divide up my cat's ashes, separately bag some of them, and give them to her. I would probably offer to tell her what I'd done with the ashes - if there was a special place in the front yard I'd buried them, or somewhere she could visit the cat at. But really, whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. I strongly endorse going with your gut.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by arnicae at 2:53 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
FWIW, if this happened with me I'd be slightly weirded out by the request that I divide up my cat's ashes, separately bag some of them, and give them to her. I would probably offer to tell her what I'd done with the ashes - if there was a special place in the front yard I'd buried them, or somewhere she could visit the cat at. But really, whatever feels right to you is the right thing to do. I strongly endorse going with your gut.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by arnicae at 2:53 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't give her some of the ashes, just because it would be odd to split the ashes up. Plus, she hadn't lived with the cat in 4 years, right? It sounds to me like she had an emotional reaction on the phone. I feel like she's in the wrong for even asking for some of the remains. Like a previous poster said, just be honest and say you don't feel comfortable splitting the remains and offer up a picture and a toy if you feel comfortable with that.
Your feelings in this situation are valid, too. Your cat and you have the right to do as you wish with him.
posted by Sal and Richard at 3:22 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your feelings in this situation are valid, too. Your cat and you have the right to do as you wish with him.
posted by Sal and Richard at 3:22 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't share the ashes. Just. Don't.
My Very Special Cat pass away back in 2004. I can't imagine anyone asking for a portion of his remains, let alone feeling OK about handing them out like party favors. And he was pretty famous for a cat, and pretty famously loved by one and all.
Asking for a portion of your cat's remains was an inappropriate request on your ex's part. However unintentional, making that request was a clear intrusion. It was an unfair thing to ask of you in your grief, and in no way are you under any obligation to honor such a request.
Your cat family member deserves a proper wake/ceremony/whathaveyou. Do this solemn thing alone, or invite people close to both of you, but DO say goodbye in a way that honors your bond together.
You're right, btw. Cat's choose their own, not the other way around.
posted by jbenben at 3:53 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
My Very Special Cat pass away back in 2004. I can't imagine anyone asking for a portion of his remains, let alone feeling OK about handing them out like party favors. And he was pretty famous for a cat, and pretty famously loved by one and all.
Asking for a portion of your cat's remains was an inappropriate request on your ex's part. However unintentional, making that request was a clear intrusion. It was an unfair thing to ask of you in your grief, and in no way are you under any obligation to honor such a request.
Your cat family member deserves a proper wake/ceremony/whathaveyou. Do this solemn thing alone, or invite people close to both of you, but DO say goodbye in a way that honors your bond together.
You're right, btw. Cat's choose their own, not the other way around.
posted by jbenben at 3:53 PM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Oops!
That was supposed to be, "My Very Special Cat passed away..."
Also, "Cats choose their own..."
posted by jbenben at 3:59 PM on December 26, 2010
That was supposed to be, "My Very Special Cat passed away..."
Also, "Cats choose their own..."
posted by jbenben at 3:59 PM on December 26, 2010
And had I seen Cat be nearly as affectionate toward her as he had been with other people since she moved out, sharing his ashes wouldn't even have been a question for me.
This line of thinking--taking into account the emotions or the wishes of the deceased--makes some sense for people. It doesn't for cats, though. Really--your pet would not be offended or saddened by the sharing of their ashes. Even with people he felt lukewarm toward.
I'm sorry for your loss--really I am. But this is a kindness you should probably do for your ex.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:35 PM on December 26, 2010
This line of thinking--taking into account the emotions or the wishes of the deceased--makes some sense for people. It doesn't for cats, though. Really--your pet would not be offended or saddened by the sharing of their ashes. Even with people he felt lukewarm toward.
I'm sorry for your loss--really I am. But this is a kindness you should probably do for your ex.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:35 PM on December 26, 2010
It IS weird that she wants some of the ashes, under the circumstances. But grief does weird things to people. And often, we can grieve more openly, more fully for a loved pet than we can for a person or a relationship.
On the other hand, it could be that Ex is trying to crowbar herself back into your life, using Cat's death as an excuse.
Let me ask you two questions to help triangulate the situation:
1. If someone who was both your best friend and Cat's best friend asked for a portion of the ashes, would you give it to them? (I agree with just the tiny bit in a locket or mini-vial.)
2. If Ex asked you for something else, would you give it to her? Like if she emailed you and said "I love that one spatula, it would mean a lot to me to have it," how would you feel about that?
But whether you decide to give her a pinch of Cat's ashes, or another Cat memento, or decide that you can't bring yourself to do it, is totally fine.
posted by ErikaB at 4:48 PM on December 26, 2010
On the other hand, it could be that Ex is trying to crowbar herself back into your life, using Cat's death as an excuse.
Let me ask you two questions to help triangulate the situation:
1. If someone who was both your best friend and Cat's best friend asked for a portion of the ashes, would you give it to them? (I agree with just the tiny bit in a locket or mini-vial.)
2. If Ex asked you for something else, would you give it to her? Like if she emailed you and said "I love that one spatula, it would mean a lot to me to have it," how would you feel about that?
But whether you decide to give her a pinch of Cat's ashes, or another Cat memento, or decide that you can't bring yourself to do it, is totally fine.
posted by ErikaB at 4:48 PM on December 26, 2010
I can't imagine doling out my cat's remains. Not even to my parents who positively loved my cat and wept with me when he passed suddenly.
It sounds like you feel strongly that you don't want to share the ashes. Simply tell your ex that it doesn't feel right to you. Do offer to share another memento with her. Don't make her ask, offer. It sounds as though she's grieving too.
It's okay that she asked. It's okay for you to refuse.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by 26.2 at 10:53 PM on December 26, 2010
It sounds like you feel strongly that you don't want to share the ashes. Simply tell your ex that it doesn't feel right to you. Do offer to share another memento with her. Don't make her ask, offer. It sounds as though she's grieving too.
It's okay that she asked. It's okay for you to refuse.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by 26.2 at 10:53 PM on December 26, 2010
If you'd do it for someone you think the cat loved, do it for her.
Otherwise, it's 100 percent normal to not want to do that; I wouldn't want to do it for any of my dogs. The thought of offering a small toy and a nice picture of the cat is lovely.
Really, she's probably torn up about the cat's death because he was very much alive and part of your lives when you two were together. And now he, too, is dead and so it's extra depressing. (In my opinion it's a skosh weird to ask for a pet's ashes, even if it was a beloved pet who was part of her life etc. Not WAY TOO FREAKY WEIRD but a little weird around the edges.) (So don't feel bad for not wanting to do it, is what I'm saying.)
posted by Neofelis at 2:40 AM on December 27, 2010
Otherwise, it's 100 percent normal to not want to do that; I wouldn't want to do it for any of my dogs. The thought of offering a small toy and a nice picture of the cat is lovely.
Really, she's probably torn up about the cat's death because he was very much alive and part of your lives when you two were together. And now he, too, is dead and so it's extra depressing. (In my opinion it's a skosh weird to ask for a pet's ashes, even if it was a beloved pet who was part of her life etc. Not WAY TOO FREAKY WEIRD but a little weird around the edges.) (So don't feel bad for not wanting to do it, is what I'm saying.)
posted by Neofelis at 2:40 AM on December 27, 2010
I seem to be in the minority here, but I just don't get why this would be a problem. Those ashes are the least of your cat. Your cat is in your heart and in your memories and nothing can touch that.
I'm an animal lover, have a herd of cats, and if a hypothetical ex of mine who had a connection with one of these cats I would give him some of the ashes. This sounds like a bizarre power struggle where you get to own the relationship with this cat. Your ex clearly has an emotional tie despite the fact that you don't believe she is sincere. Your kitty is gone, you can do something that will ease the pain of someone still here even if in a small way, why not just let the past history with this person go for the moment?
posted by Kimberly at 8:16 AM on December 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm an animal lover, have a herd of cats, and if a hypothetical ex of mine who had a connection with one of these cats I would give him some of the ashes. This sounds like a bizarre power struggle where you get to own the relationship with this cat. Your ex clearly has an emotional tie despite the fact that you don't believe she is sincere. Your kitty is gone, you can do something that will ease the pain of someone still here even if in a small way, why not just let the past history with this person go for the moment?
posted by Kimberly at 8:16 AM on December 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't think this is necessarily a power struggle with your ex.
Some people view remains differently than others. If you think they are relatively unimportant and you can share them, then great. Some people spread ashes in a special spot; some people keep them forever. Some people don't even ask how the vet disposes of their deceased animal. The OP's choice to go with the expense individual cremation seems to indicate that she sees the remains as a unique part of her cat.
It's easy to assume that other people are making decisions using your beliefs. People value bodily remains differently and that's reflected in different choices.
posted by 26.2 at 2:37 PM on December 27, 2010
Some people view remains differently than others. If you think they are relatively unimportant and you can share them, then great. Some people spread ashes in a special spot; some people keep them forever. Some people don't even ask how the vet disposes of their deceased animal. The OP's choice to go with the expense individual cremation seems to indicate that she sees the remains as a unique part of her cat.
It's easy to assume that other people are making decisions using your beliefs. People value bodily remains differently and that's reflected in different choices.
posted by 26.2 at 2:37 PM on December 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Pt II: tell her you feel it is wrong to split the cats ashes up. End of story.
posted by furtive at 12:35 PM on December 26, 2010 [10 favorites]