No gift from Mother-in-Law
December 25, 2010 3:48 PM Subscribe
My elderly 84 year old mother-in-law did not get my husband or I a Christmas present this year. She did get the only other person she has contact with, a lady that comes in once a week to clean for her, a Christmas present this week. Last year she did not get her son (my husband) a present (she asked him what he wanted and he told her to take care of herself would be gift enough) but she did get me one. Please understand it is not getting a gift that has crushed me, but "it's the thought that counts" is what is painful to me. I do everything for her - pay bills, laundry, fill weekly medicine box, take her to doctor appointments, do grocery shopping, pick-up medicine, help with her bath, I even take her dog to the vet. When I went down this Christmas morning and gave her a Christmas gift she said "Why did you do this?" and of course I said because it is Christmas (my husband and I have been married for 15 years and the tradition has always been the same!). She did not say a word about a gift for us. My husband apologized for her when I told him, but how can I put this in perspective and not take it personal? (Why did she get her cleaning lady a gift?)
Getting the cleaning lady a gift may feel more like an especial obligation, as it is historically customary to tip or give gifts to servicepeople around this time of year. That may be a habit or a point of pride for her by now, regardless of her policy on gifts for friends and family.
She's 84, she probably doesn't really know what people want, she's might be really cheap, and she may not have a lot of opportunity or energy for shopping. Also she might be fading in and out a little bit w/r/t the passage of time -- on it one week (buys present for attendant), adrift the next (doesn't understand why you are giving her a present).
Being 84 buys you a free pass when it comes to most socially awkward behavior. God willing, you should be able to reap the benefits of this yourself someday.
posted by hermitosis at 3:54 PM on December 25, 2010 [19 favorites]
She's 84, she probably doesn't really know what people want, she's might be really cheap, and she may not have a lot of opportunity or energy for shopping. Also she might be fading in and out a little bit w/r/t the passage of time -- on it one week (buys present for attendant), adrift the next (doesn't understand why you are giving her a present).
Being 84 buys you a free pass when it comes to most socially awkward behavior. God willing, you should be able to reap the benefits of this yourself someday.
posted by hermitosis at 3:54 PM on December 25, 2010 [19 favorites]
It sounds like you do a lot for her. She's passed the age where she can reciprocate- she's passed the age where she can do for you what you do for her. In a way, you're the adult now, and she's the child. Perhaps as your gift to yourself from her you could look into delegating some of her work. Hire somebody to help out with the groceries, the dog, the laundry.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:01 PM on December 25, 2010 [25 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:01 PM on December 25, 2010 [25 favorites]
You mentioned that you take her places and pick up things for her, so I'm assuming she doesn't drive or have easy access to stores and things. I'm also assuming she's not very internet savvy. So how would she be able to go out and get you something? Perhaps she re-gifted something from her home to give to the cleaning lady. And a lot of times, people feel abide by formalities (like gift giving )with people they don't know as well - and are more lax with these things when it comes to loved ones. And perhaps she took it seriously that the best gift she can give, is to try and take care of herself. Plus, she is 84.
posted by raztaj at 4:05 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by raztaj at 4:05 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
My late grandmother frequently openly favored a (completely nice) woman from her church over my mother. Unpredictable affections are par for the course, it seems. My mom has gone on to be friends with the "other daughter" since my grandmother passed, at least.
(We won't discuss Mr. F's Dad's hunting buddy who turned out to be playing dementia-riddled sugar daddy to a handful of random women, except to note that you or another trusted person should intervene if any sudden recipients of gifts appear to be taking advantage of the situation.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:14 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
(We won't discuss Mr. F's Dad's hunting buddy who turned out to be playing dementia-riddled sugar daddy to a handful of random women, except to note that you or another trusted person should intervene if any sudden recipients of gifts appear to be taking advantage of the situation.)
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 4:14 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A question that I always used to ask myself in painful situations was, "How can I stop feeling bad about this? How can I stop having these emotions, when I should know better, because I am wise and have Perspective?"
The answer is that you can't. You feel bad about this; you feel slighted, because you were slighted, and that is that. It only helps to know this, and to handle it maturely (which you clearly have so far). Is it because she's elderly, or becoming senile, or just an unpleasant person? That, I can't say. All I know is that the only thing that helps, sometimes, is to acknowledge that you were hurt and that it's okay.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:28 PM on December 25, 2010 [31 favorites]
The answer is that you can't. You feel bad about this; you feel slighted, because you were slighted, and that is that. It only helps to know this, and to handle it maturely (which you clearly have so far). Is it because she's elderly, or becoming senile, or just an unpleasant person? That, I can't say. All I know is that the only thing that helps, sometimes, is to acknowledge that you were hurt and that it's okay.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:28 PM on December 25, 2010 [31 favorites]
Put it in perspective by reminding yourself
- when you are old, you will want someone to take care of you, whether you are able to appreciate it and thank them for it or not
- taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves is generally a thankless job. It's still a very kind thing for you to do.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:29 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
- when you are old, you will want someone to take care of you, whether you are able to appreciate it and thank them for it or not
- taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves is generally a thankless job. It's still a very kind thing for you to do.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:29 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm with HuronBob regards her purchasing the gift for her (paid) helper out of obligation, and wanting to be assured that she doesn't get relegated to the back burner if/when she really needs this persons help. Perhaps she also knows she will never be moved to the back burner in your hearts, and while that's maybe taking you for granted some, it could also be comforting, knowing the weave of family that she is in with you, and you are in with her.
Also agree with poster above regards her mind maybe slipping some with her age, and maybe also with her aloneness. I'd think that the alone piece would maybe help her to feel more and more isolate from the normal conventions of gift-giving and card-sending and whatever else, might be that it's just slidden off as time's worn on and worn on her. She's busy being old maybe, and it's just dropped off of her. Is any of that possible?
Or -- maybe she's angry at you and your husband, and cannot talk of it, for fear of being cut off somehow. It's easy to get angry at people if you feel that you need them and their help, or it can be anyways. You could ask her if she is angry at you and/or her son -- does this relationship have the strength to bear the honesty of that conversation? If not, don't broach it, but if it does, I cannot see how it would/will hurt anything. I would absolutely defer to the conscious of this hive mind on this part though, as I'm not the best at social conventions myself, and so so many here are good at these types of things.
I hope you can somehow forgive her, find in the love of your marriage the willingness to continue to love this person who can't give you much just now. I'd not want you to do that if you have to negate yourself but if you can find a way to do so I think everyone would be winners then.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:33 PM on December 25, 2010
Also agree with poster above regards her mind maybe slipping some with her age, and maybe also with her aloneness. I'd think that the alone piece would maybe help her to feel more and more isolate from the normal conventions of gift-giving and card-sending and whatever else, might be that it's just slidden off as time's worn on and worn on her. She's busy being old maybe, and it's just dropped off of her. Is any of that possible?
Or -- maybe she's angry at you and your husband, and cannot talk of it, for fear of being cut off somehow. It's easy to get angry at people if you feel that you need them and their help, or it can be anyways. You could ask her if she is angry at you and/or her son -- does this relationship have the strength to bear the honesty of that conversation? If not, don't broach it, but if it does, I cannot see how it would/will hurt anything. I would absolutely defer to the conscious of this hive mind on this part though, as I'm not the best at social conventions myself, and so so many here are good at these types of things.
I hope you can somehow forgive her, find in the love of your marriage the willingness to continue to love this person who can't give you much just now. I'd not want you to do that if you have to negate yourself but if you can find a way to do so I think everyone would be winners then.
posted by dancestoblue at 4:33 PM on December 25, 2010
She thinks alot of her cleaning lady, as a matter of fact she thinks of her as a friend. She ordered the gift out of a catalog with her credit card.
Elderly people think the (sometimes) oddest people are friends. My dad generally thinks anyone who is friendly with him is his new BFF. Not that your mother-in-law's cleaning lady isn't a legitimate friend, but when parents get older, they often befriend all kinds of people that come into their lives, particularly when they're not very social.
Really though, it could be a formality thing. Even if your MIL thinks closely of the cleaning lady, she's not family - she doesn't share that intimate but casual relationship that family members do, from obligation (or not). A lot of us can get away with all kinds of crap with family members that we can't get away with, with non-family. We shrug off the formalities, because we're comfortable with them.
And seconding ThePinkSuperhero - as you're noticing, roles often reverse when people get older. You and your husband are the parent - she is the child. Children (and elderly people) are often irrational, and trying to make sense of their actions and behavior is often futile.
You sound like an amazing daughter in law, and I hope she thanks you for all of your hard work. Even if not, you're doing an awesome thing. I hope your husband and you recognize this, and you treat yourself every now and then.
posted by raztaj at 4:35 PM on December 25, 2010
Elderly people think the (sometimes) oddest people are friends. My dad generally thinks anyone who is friendly with him is his new BFF. Not that your mother-in-law's cleaning lady isn't a legitimate friend, but when parents get older, they often befriend all kinds of people that come into their lives, particularly when they're not very social.
Really though, it could be a formality thing. Even if your MIL thinks closely of the cleaning lady, she's not family - she doesn't share that intimate but casual relationship that family members do, from obligation (or not). A lot of us can get away with all kinds of crap with family members that we can't get away with, with non-family. We shrug off the formalities, because we're comfortable with them.
And seconding ThePinkSuperhero - as you're noticing, roles often reverse when people get older. You and your husband are the parent - she is the child. Children (and elderly people) are often irrational, and trying to make sense of their actions and behavior is often futile.
You sound like an amazing daughter in law, and I hope she thanks you for all of your hard work. Even if not, you're doing an awesome thing. I hope your husband and you recognize this, and you treat yourself every now and then.
posted by raztaj at 4:35 PM on December 25, 2010
Perhaps she doesn't have the money she used to have for Christmas gifts. She's 84, so unless she's independently wealthy, she's working on a budget. Do you know about her financial situation?
posted by two lights above the sea at 4:37 PM on December 25, 2010
posted by two lights above the sea at 4:37 PM on December 25, 2010
No offence, I can understand the hurt feelings, but really why would she have acted any differently?
Last year, your husband - her son - said "don't worry about gifts, just take care of yourself". When confronted with a present, she said "why did you do this?", presumably because she now felt embarrassed that she was given a present and had assumed that no one in the family was doing presents and she now had nothing to reciprocate. She got the cleaning lady a present because she is not family, and she probably wants to acknowledge their relationship and her gratitude for it in a way that goes beyond paying her a set amount every week.
I think you should reassess the way your thinking about this. Is a present from an 84 year old woman - that could never hope to equal what you give her - really the appropriate metric to assess whether she likes you, loves you, or feels grateful for all you do for? Surely there are a million other ways she says thank you through the year - also remember that acknowledging a weakness - a dependency - on someone can always be hard for people, especially those who are used to being independent.
In this respect, I think being angry about a present she didn't expect to buy is a but on the passive aggressive side. If you wanted a present, you should have asked. If you didn't ask, and the last "present" communication she had was "don't get one", then I don't think you have the right to be angry at an old woman about it. It sounds like she was trying to do the right thing.
posted by smoke at 4:46 PM on December 25, 2010 [48 favorites]
Last year, your husband - her son - said "don't worry about gifts, just take care of yourself". When confronted with a present, she said "why did you do this?", presumably because she now felt embarrassed that she was given a present and had assumed that no one in the family was doing presents and she now had nothing to reciprocate. She got the cleaning lady a present because she is not family, and she probably wants to acknowledge their relationship and her gratitude for it in a way that goes beyond paying her a set amount every week.
I think you should reassess the way your thinking about this. Is a present from an 84 year old woman - that could never hope to equal what you give her - really the appropriate metric to assess whether she likes you, loves you, or feels grateful for all you do for? Surely there are a million other ways she says thank you through the year - also remember that acknowledging a weakness - a dependency - on someone can always be hard for people, especially those who are used to being independent.
In this respect, I think being angry about a present she didn't expect to buy is a but on the passive aggressive side. If you wanted a present, you should have asked. If you didn't ask, and the last "present" communication she had was "don't get one", then I don't think you have the right to be angry at an old woman about it. It sounds like she was trying to do the right thing.
posted by smoke at 4:46 PM on December 25, 2010 [48 favorites]
Past a certain age, you kind of have to give people a pass for their behavior--even if they are in fact just being mean or petty, well...they don't have a lot of time left, so being mad at them is not really worth the energy (though I might make an exception for Dick Cheney....). Caretaking is a lonely business, sometimes, too...maybe you should just treat yourself to something and let that be your reward to yourself for all you've done.
posted by emjaybee at 4:50 PM on December 25, 2010
posted by emjaybee at 4:50 PM on December 25, 2010
I don't buy the fact that she's not capable enough to buy a present for you. She did manage to order something for her cleaning lady. Sounds more like a misunderstanding - son says he doesn't want any presents, she is viewing you and her son as one unit, as you are married. So now you don't get a present either - perhaps last year she had already purchased yours before she asked him what he wanted.
I would say something to her, but I wouldn't go in hard - just something along the lines of "Hey, Mum, I was a little upset that you didn't get me an xmas present this year!". Now you probably want to add "because of all the things I do for you!" but resist the temptation! She probably feels badly enough about you having to do most things for her. Just approach it along the same lines as you would any other close family member who has forgotten to get you a gift.
It's better to get it out in the open - let her have a chance to apologise, or to explain her position. It sounds as if you've been happy enough to give her all the help she needs over the last few years. Don't let a small thing like this cause you to feel resentment towards her.
posted by humpy at 5:01 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would say something to her, but I wouldn't go in hard - just something along the lines of "Hey, Mum, I was a little upset that you didn't get me an xmas present this year!". Now you probably want to add "because of all the things I do for you!" but resist the temptation! She probably feels badly enough about you having to do most things for her. Just approach it along the same lines as you would any other close family member who has forgotten to get you a gift.
It's better to get it out in the open - let her have a chance to apologise, or to explain her position. It sounds as if you've been happy enough to give her all the help she needs over the last few years. Don't let a small thing like this cause you to feel resentment towards her.
posted by humpy at 5:01 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Despite the fact she didn't get you a gift, you still pray that she'll be with you next Christmas and you'll be getting her a gift. This is the exact reason why she didn't get you a gift -- because gift or not you'd still feel that way. This is just how it is with family. With cleaning ladies, however, not so much. She could break something valuable if she felt scorned.
posted by thorny at 5:23 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by thorny at 5:23 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think you help her like you do all year because you love her and she's family and it's the right thing to do. And I'd also be really let down and sad not to get a Christmas gift, in your shoes .. so hey, you're human, and so is she, and it's too bad but it doesn't change the fact that you are a very good person, and she probably is too, and sometimes we let each other down even when we don't mean to.
I wouldn't say anything to her. She's so dependent on you already and I would just hate to make someone like that feel bad. It sounds like everything is hard for her. Yeah, she should have gotten you a gift. But she didn't. I think that means you should buy yourself what you think she would have wanted you to have, and tell yourself it's from her to you and then enjoy it. And give her a free pass on this one, because you're kind and decent and she probably is too.
Could I send you a gift? I would really like to and it sure sounds like you deserve it.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:56 PM on December 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
I wouldn't say anything to her. She's so dependent on you already and I would just hate to make someone like that feel bad. It sounds like everything is hard for her. Yeah, she should have gotten you a gift. But she didn't. I think that means you should buy yourself what you think she would have wanted you to have, and tell yourself it's from her to you and then enjoy it. And give her a free pass on this one, because you're kind and decent and she probably is too.
Could I send you a gift? I would really like to and it sure sounds like you deserve it.
posted by Kangaroo at 5:56 PM on December 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Ted, while I tended towards a similar but less hostile approach.... I think we have to remember that Americans, in my experience, have vastly different expectations around Christmas to Poms and Australians.
Here and in the UK it's definitely more a thing for children with adults as an afterthought. I sense that in the US present giving can be a VERY BIG DEAL with all sorts of nuance that's lost on us. If a Pom or Australian wrote what she wrote, it would be a fair response, but I don't think that's the case here, with Americans.
As someone who cared for an elderly grandmother for many years, this happened as her health and mental acuity reduced. It meant nothing, just that she was old, tired and not enjoying Christmas as much.
posted by taff at 6:26 PM on December 25, 2010
Here and in the UK it's definitely more a thing for children with adults as an afterthought. I sense that in the US present giving can be a VERY BIG DEAL with all sorts of nuance that's lost on us. If a Pom or Australian wrote what she wrote, it would be a fair response, but I don't think that's the case here, with Americans.
As someone who cared for an elderly grandmother for many years, this happened as her health and mental acuity reduced. It meant nothing, just that she was old, tired and not enjoying Christmas as much.
posted by taff at 6:26 PM on December 25, 2010
> SMOKE - Please understand - Anger is not in the equation, it has nothing to do with this.I'd hate to think you tripped over that one word and ignored the insight and the advice provided in that post. Re-read smoke's post, and replace "anger" with whatever emotion you feel better describes things.
It is, to me, a curious thing that you would respond to it with a nit-pick over a single instance of what you see as imperfect wording, while ignoring entirely the heft of the (heavily-favorited-for-good-reason) comment (which, if I were to bet, I'd suspect describes the situation fairly accurately).
posted by jjjjjjjijjjjjjj at 6:43 PM on December 25, 2010 [20 favorites]
I think she should have at least given you a hand written note of thanks for all you have done and will do for her. I would be disappointed too. Getting over it is another thing altogether. Unless you are willing to confront her on it, I think the only way to get over it is the passage of time. I would also let your husband, her son, do more of the little crap for her whenever you can.
posted by AugustWest at 6:51 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 6:51 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Older people sometimes have minor dementia that prevents them from remembering obligations consistently or planning for future events. I don't know if that is the case here, but an elderly relative of mine went through a phase before an Alzheimer's diagnosis where she would forget birthdays and holidays.
posted by zippy at 6:51 PM on December 25, 2010
posted by zippy at 6:51 PM on December 25, 2010
It sucks to give, give, and give and not receive anything in return. It's possible you have set this situation up yourself by not establishing boundaries between you and your MIL, and she may not respect you for constantly breaking your back for her. It's also possible she has no idea that you feel the way you do and that she'd love to make amends. It's possible still that she is beginning to experience the onset of dementia and her understanding of how her life used to work is decaying. We don't know.
Here's what I do know, though. I think it's commendable that you take care of your MIL in the way that you do; not many people are capable of offering even a fifth of the care that you provide. I would certainly like to be able to tell you you deserve to be acknowledged for that effort, and consider this response me doing so. But, there are many things we as folk on the internet don't know, and I think that if a little more context were given, we'd be able to advise you better.
FWIW, I agree at least on preview with jjjjjjjijjjjjjj's observation that you may have overlooked a very sound piece of advice from smoke because you don't think you're angry. To folks on the internet, your writing communicates at the very least a tangible level of resentment, whether you want to hear that or not. What we're trying to help you figure out is whether that resentment is truly a) justified, b) manageable, and/or c) excusable.
posted by patronuscharms at 7:24 PM on December 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Here's what I do know, though. I think it's commendable that you take care of your MIL in the way that you do; not many people are capable of offering even a fifth of the care that you provide. I would certainly like to be able to tell you you deserve to be acknowledged for that effort, and consider this response me doing so. But, there are many things we as folk on the internet don't know, and I think that if a little more context were given, we'd be able to advise you better.
- Where is your husband in all of this?
- Does he also partake in the care giving?
- Is it seriously just you?
- Has there ever been a point in which he (or you) has/have said to your MIL, "No, no, you don't need to pay us for any of this! We do this because we love you!"
- Are you from any particular culture in which taking care of an elder is mandatory/obligatory/heavily encouraged?
- Has your MIL ever gotten you a gift?
- Has your MIL been tested for dementia/Alzheimer's recently?
- Does she express her appreciation for you in any other way?
- Have you ever touched base with her to see if your caregiving is making her uncomfortable, or perhaps feeling a little entitled?
- What would happen if you did exactly as others have told you to do, and hired a personal caregiver to take your place?
- Is this really about the gift, or more about the fact that you seem to lack acknowledgment from your MIL in this very key area?
- Is the caregiving something you truly do selflessly, or are you trying to make up for something your MIL perceives you lack?
FWIW, I agree at least on preview with jjjjjjjijjjjjjj's observation that you may have overlooked a very sound piece of advice from smoke because you don't think you're angry. To folks on the internet, your writing communicates at the very least a tangible level of resentment, whether you want to hear that or not. What we're trying to help you figure out is whether that resentment is truly a) justified, b) manageable, and/or c) excusable.
posted by patronuscharms at 7:24 PM on December 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
Agree that she's taking you for granted as a child takes parents for granted. And it's painful for you. Also that, even though the cleaning person is a "friend" she's really an employee, so there's a formality there in the getting of a gift.
You're doing everything for her and so getting you a present could even involve a bit of humiliation for her. What could she possibly get you that would be on a par with what you do for her? A child could make you a drawing and you'd be delighted. But she's not a child. She's an adult in a compromised position that's not going to get better. Your relationship with her is complicated and she can't deal with the reality of it.
(I totally disagree with the poster who said if you wanted a gift you should have asked for one. In what culture/country do you ASK a relative to buy you a Christmas (or birthday, or any other) present? Also that getting angry is "passive aggressive." That has nothing to do with what "passive aggressive" means. But whatever, I'm just a nit-picking old lady on Christmas)
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:31 PM on December 25, 2010
You're doing everything for her and so getting you a present could even involve a bit of humiliation for her. What could she possibly get you that would be on a par with what you do for her? A child could make you a drawing and you'd be delighted. But she's not a child. She's an adult in a compromised position that's not going to get better. Your relationship with her is complicated and she can't deal with the reality of it.
(I totally disagree with the poster who said if you wanted a gift you should have asked for one. In what culture/country do you ASK a relative to buy you a Christmas (or birthday, or any other) present? Also that getting angry is "passive aggressive." That has nothing to do with what "passive aggressive" means. But whatever, I'm just a nit-picking old lady on Christmas)
posted by DMelanogaster at 7:31 PM on December 25, 2010
Best answer: sandyp, I'm not 84, but I am older than a lot of the posters here. The more time goes on the more I do not care about presents. I've given and got presents out the ying-yang and I'm feeling "over it". Right at the moment I would love to never give or get another present--I have reached saturation point..(and your 84 year old lady has quite a few more Christmases under her belt than I do). This feeling may pass and maybe I will be less inured to gift giving next year...but my point is that I am quite sure that she feels worn out and weary about gift giving...it's not personal. She's old and she thought she got a reprieve from the worry and work of selecting a present. I bet she likes you a lot....and if she doesn't ---her loss---you sound like a super nice person and she is very lucky to have you on her side.
I agree with Countess Elena who wrote that you are within your rights to feel some sadness over this...but you and she are in very different places. She's tired and you're in your prime. Take that into consideration. My bet is when she is feeling better she'll be in better spirits all around and you'll be able to discuss gift giving with her. Cut her slack and go out and buy yourself a super-beautiful pair of earrings...that's what I'd do (it's part of the reason I don't care about presents is I buy myself whatever I want! I am never disappointed with my own selections!)
posted by naplesyellow at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
I agree with Countess Elena who wrote that you are within your rights to feel some sadness over this...but you and she are in very different places. She's tired and you're in your prime. Take that into consideration. My bet is when she is feeling better she'll be in better spirits all around and you'll be able to discuss gift giving with her. Cut her slack and go out and buy yourself a super-beautiful pair of earrings...that's what I'd do (it's part of the reason I don't care about presents is I buy myself whatever I want! I am never disappointed with my own selections!)
posted by naplesyellow at 7:56 PM on December 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
I help out an elderly lady from time to time.
This week I was helping her do Christmas shopping/wrapping, and she was very bent on getting her friend Barbara a gift, but in the end didn't because she couldn't find anything she liked. She did, however, pick up some random thing for the cleaning lady.
It's just hard for elderly people to make up their mind sometimes. Don't take it personally. I'm sure your mother-in-law appreciate all that you do for her.
posted by oracle bone at 8:00 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
This week I was helping her do Christmas shopping/wrapping, and she was very bent on getting her friend Barbara a gift, but in the end didn't because she couldn't find anything she liked. She did, however, pick up some random thing for the cleaning lady.
It's just hard for elderly people to make up their mind sometimes. Don't take it personally. I'm sure your mother-in-law appreciate all that you do for her.
posted by oracle bone at 8:00 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
By providing so much detail about what you do for her on a day to day basis, it makes it sound like you think you deserve a Christmas present BECAUSE you help her out. Which surely isn't the case! I'm assuming that you help her out because she's family and because you care about her. And I would hope that she tells you that she appreciates your help (and if she doesn't, then that's a question for a new post).
I'm with the "she's old, it's not a big deal, let it slide" posters...
posted by finding.perdita at 8:15 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm with the "she's old, it's not a big deal, let it slide" posters...
posted by finding.perdita at 8:15 PM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds as though this is less about getting a present, and more about feeling unappreciated and unthanked for all your hard work.
You sound burned out and exhausted. And understandably so, given all that you do - especially if you are working fulltime and/or parenting at the same time.
Some options:
Write some journal pages about how you feel about caring for your MIL. Be honest. Do you resent it? If so, why? Is it the thanklessness? The fact that you don't get enough time to yourself?
Look into using paid and/or volunteer services to take up some of the slack. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, how would your MIL cope with her day to day needs? Are there Meals on Wheels type services that you can sign her up to?
Talk with your husband about the fact that you don't feel that the work that you do is appreciated.
Talk with your MIL about the fact that you don't feel that the work that you do is appreciated.
Are there other family members who can share some of the care-giving? If so, talk to them about what they can give, and how.
If you don't set boundaries and limits on the care that you can provide, you may well get sick (from stress and exhaustion) or get fed up and stop being able to provide any care.
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 8:57 PM on December 25, 2010
You sound burned out and exhausted. And understandably so, given all that you do - especially if you are working fulltime and/or parenting at the same time.
Some options:
Write some journal pages about how you feel about caring for your MIL. Be honest. Do you resent it? If so, why? Is it the thanklessness? The fact that you don't get enough time to yourself?
Look into using paid and/or volunteer services to take up some of the slack. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, how would your MIL cope with her day to day needs? Are there Meals on Wheels type services that you can sign her up to?
Talk with your husband about the fact that you don't feel that the work that you do is appreciated.
Talk with your MIL about the fact that you don't feel that the work that you do is appreciated.
Are there other family members who can share some of the care-giving? If so, talk to them about what they can give, and how.
If you don't set boundaries and limits on the care that you can provide, you may well get sick (from stress and exhaustion) or get fed up and stop being able to provide any care.
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 8:57 PM on December 25, 2010
I kind of don't get the criticism from the other responders - from what OP wrote it seemed perfectly reasonable for OP to view it as a slight (even if it wasn't intended as one).
Last year she did not get her son (my husband) a present (she asked him what he wanted and he told her to take care of herself would be gift enough) but she did get me one.
It doesn't sound like OP's husband told his mother to not buy any gifts.
I agree with Countess Elena's assessment - sometimes we get our feelings hurt and we have to do our best to move on.
I also agree that you sound like a wonderful daughter-in-law, and I do hope she lets you know that once in awhile.
posted by lvanshima at 12:48 AM on December 26, 2010
Last year she did not get her son (my husband) a present (she asked him what he wanted and he told her to take care of herself would be gift enough) but she did get me one.
It doesn't sound like OP's husband told his mother to not buy any gifts.
I agree with Countess Elena's assessment - sometimes we get our feelings hurt and we have to do our best to move on.
I also agree that you sound like a wonderful daughter-in-law, and I do hope she lets you know that once in awhile.
posted by lvanshima at 12:48 AM on December 26, 2010
What's with all the dementia talk? Maybe your mother-in-law just wants to be done with the obligatory present-swap. And at age 84, the last thing she needs is another quilted bed jacket or other object. She doesn't need any more things.
When she asked "why did you do this," I would have read her meaning as "Can't we be done with this charade, already?" And yet you plan to do the very same thing next year!
And I agree with another poster upthread; you really should be hiring out some of the work you do for her. Provide employment for someone else in these hard times, for heaven's sake. It would also make you less of a.....martyr.
posted by BostonTerrier at 3:30 AM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
When she asked "why did you do this," I would have read her meaning as "Can't we be done with this charade, already?" And yet you plan to do the very same thing next year!
And I agree with another poster upthread; you really should be hiring out some of the work you do for her. Provide employment for someone else in these hard times, for heaven's sake. It would also make you less of a.....martyr.
posted by BostonTerrier at 3:30 AM on December 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
And I agree with another poster upthread; you really should be hiring out some of the work you do for her. Provide employment for someone else in these hard times, for heaven's sake. It would also make you less of a.....martyr.
A lot of older people don't feel comfortable having strangers in their homes or driving them places. And for the OP to interview and check the background of potential caregivers would take as much time as doing many of the chores herself. My family has just been through a long hospitalization with my Dad, and the caregivers over the weeks have run the gamut from candidates for sainthood to folks I wouldn't trust with my cat. But my Mom didn't want even the cream of the crop coming to her house - she feels like she'd have to clean up and make the place presentable for "company" (and your MIL might just feel the same way, or have other objections). And then she goes on to worry about what if they steal stuff (not an irrational concern, BTW; I personally know of someone who had a dedicated, concerned health care aide who was trustworthy but unfortunately had a boyfriend who wasn't. According to the eventual court testimony, she'd casually talk about her daily work with him and he gradually found out which house had lots of Oxycodone and which patient had a cabinet full of guns, etc., and then break into those homes with the help of his friends.) So, anyway, *if* OP's MIL is amenable to hired help, fine, but I would advise against forcing it upon her.
As for the lack of gift, naplesyellow said everything I was thinking and also what I've been feeling for the past several Christmases.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:02 AM on December 26, 2010
A lot of older people don't feel comfortable having strangers in their homes or driving them places. And for the OP to interview and check the background of potential caregivers would take as much time as doing many of the chores herself. My family has just been through a long hospitalization with my Dad, and the caregivers over the weeks have run the gamut from candidates for sainthood to folks I wouldn't trust with my cat. But my Mom didn't want even the cream of the crop coming to her house - she feels like she'd have to clean up and make the place presentable for "company" (and your MIL might just feel the same way, or have other objections). And then she goes on to worry about what if they steal stuff (not an irrational concern, BTW; I personally know of someone who had a dedicated, concerned health care aide who was trustworthy but unfortunately had a boyfriend who wasn't. According to the eventual court testimony, she'd casually talk about her daily work with him and he gradually found out which house had lots of Oxycodone and which patient had a cabinet full of guns, etc., and then break into those homes with the help of his friends.) So, anyway, *if* OP's MIL is amenable to hired help, fine, but I would advise against forcing it upon her.
As for the lack of gift, naplesyellow said everything I was thinking and also what I've been feeling for the past several Christmases.
posted by Oriole Adams at 10:02 AM on December 26, 2010
I think you are tired of being a caregiver. And being a caregiver is hard work, thankless work, and it is understandable. I know in my family there are all sorts of generational in-fighting over who is helping/ who isn't helping/ how much help is necessary. And then there are some sore feelings that everyone gets the same check in their stockings at the end of the year. And it is hard, and there isn't a lot of support available. I can only speak for myself, and here I would like to point out that I am not the main caretaker in my family for my family member by a long shot:
1. Get her involved in something. In my case, she is now in an adult day care of sorts; the county covers the costs and provides transportation, and then several days a week she has something going on- friends, new stories, new things to complain about, new things to praise, and she needs her family less. If we did pay out of pocket, it still would be worth it for the service, but as it would happen, we qualified. Ask around, ask her geriatric specialist, ask at church, ask at the local senior center or nursing home, and ask at your county, because there are all sorts of services that might be available if you ask.
2. Allow yourself to feel stressed. Sometimes this stuff is stressful, and she is irritating, and that has to be ok. Feel stressed, give yourself permission to zone out, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply.
3. Reward yourself for good behavior. Massage? Pedicure? Bubble bath/book? Sometimes you need a little luxury.
4. See if you can do these same things, but on your own terms. Maybe you can do laundry at your house rather than hers? Maybe you can set up automatic bill pay for some of her bills? Maybe you can buy more groceries and go every other week instead of every week? Maybe you can ask a neighbor to put out the trash?
I wish you luck. I think I understand why the lack of present is upsetting; you aren't terrible or selfish for wanting your hard work rewarded.
posted by jenlovesponies at 1:28 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. Get her involved in something. In my case, she is now in an adult day care of sorts; the county covers the costs and provides transportation, and then several days a week she has something going on- friends, new stories, new things to complain about, new things to praise, and she needs her family less. If we did pay out of pocket, it still would be worth it for the service, but as it would happen, we qualified. Ask around, ask her geriatric specialist, ask at church, ask at the local senior center or nursing home, and ask at your county, because there are all sorts of services that might be available if you ask.
2. Allow yourself to feel stressed. Sometimes this stuff is stressful, and she is irritating, and that has to be ok. Feel stressed, give yourself permission to zone out, breathe deeply, breathe deeply, breathe deeply.
3. Reward yourself for good behavior. Massage? Pedicure? Bubble bath/book? Sometimes you need a little luxury.
4. See if you can do these same things, but on your own terms. Maybe you can do laundry at your house rather than hers? Maybe you can set up automatic bill pay for some of her bills? Maybe you can buy more groceries and go every other week instead of every week? Maybe you can ask a neighbor to put out the trash?
I wish you luck. I think I understand why the lack of present is upsetting; you aren't terrible or selfish for wanting your hard work rewarded.
posted by jenlovesponies at 1:28 PM on December 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
The cleaning lady is domestic help. These people are not like ordinary mortals. Their Christmas gift or bonus is of highest priority. They usually need it the most. When I had help, I'd have skipped my partner's gift to get the cleaning lady's bonus, if I needed to.
posted by Goofyy at 8:39 AM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Goofyy at 8:39 AM on December 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Either she took y'all seriously and remembered what you had said about taking care of herself OR she's 84 and her mind is slipping a bit.
Elderly people do (or don't do) the darndest things. Comes with being older. Of course your mileage may vary according to the individual in question.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:54 PM on December 25, 2010 [22 favorites]