Is my mother in danger with her relationship?
December 10, 2010 9:18 AM Subscribe
Is my mother's boyfriend potentially dangerous and is there anything I can do?
He's been cheating on her and she confronts him about it. Not only confronts him but actively contacts the woman he's cheating with and tells her that he wants nothing to do with her. I ask if she is in a dangerous situation because she's
1. holding on to him when he doesn't love her, doesn't even show affection towards her
2. I think he's a sociopath because he lies and acts like nothing phases him and is an extreme opportunist.
3. He thinks nothing of stealing and shop-lifting.
4. He sometimes throws temper tantrums like a child.
5. He likes to boss my mom around.
I personally fear for her life with a man like that. Moreso, that he's cheating and she's trying to hold him back. I feel he could try to get rid of her in a violent way. Is there anything I can do as her daughter?
He's been cheating on her and she confronts him about it. Not only confronts him but actively contacts the woman he's cheating with and tells her that he wants nothing to do with her. I ask if she is in a dangerous situation because she's
1. holding on to him when he doesn't love her, doesn't even show affection towards her
2. I think he's a sociopath because he lies and acts like nothing phases him and is an extreme opportunist.
3. He thinks nothing of stealing and shop-lifting.
4. He sometimes throws temper tantrums like a child.
5. He likes to boss my mom around.
I personally fear for her life with a man like that. Moreso, that he's cheating and she's trying to hold him back. I feel he could try to get rid of her in a violent way. Is there anything I can do as her daughter?
You're in a really difficult situation because most parents just don't orders from their kids even if the kids are right. On the other hand, if you have ever been in love with someone your parents didn't like, you will know how hard it is to break up with that person even if you know deep down that it is for your own good. I would suggest calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for information on steps you can take. From your description the guy sounds like a pretty lousy choice for a boyfriend but when people are in love they can be extremely unreasonable.
posted by MsKim at 9:24 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MsKim at 9:24 AM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline: How Can I Help a Friend or Family Member Who Is Being Abused? (Relevant even though there is no physical violence.)
posted by Wordwoman at 9:29 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Wordwoman at 9:29 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Are you a minor child and or are any minor children living in the household? Regardless if at all possible talk it over with adult relatives or people you trust.
posted by humanfont at 9:36 AM on December 10, 2010
posted by humanfont at 9:36 AM on December 10, 2010
If she's actively contacting his other lovers, then she's in full-on drama participation mode and is unlikely to listen to reason
It's only natural to imagine worst case scenarios, but if you have no evidence of any violent behavior so far, then I urge you to try and calm down. Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to remain in volatile, nasty relationships just like this one for many years, regardless of how unhappy they seem.
He has no reason to want to leave her, or get rid of her -- he's seeing someone else and she's still sticking around, she takes his bullshit and doesn't (apparently) mind his illegal activities. He can even physically intimidate her without ever having to resort to violence. So as bleak as this picture looks, you should not necessarily assume him to be murderous or physically abusive.
As for what you can do, this problem is way out of your league. I think parents rarely listen to their children when it comes to relationship matters. She needs to be discussing this with someone she views as a peer or an authority. A friend, a sibling, a counselor. But if she's not in anything she wants to get out of, all you can do is let her know you are there for her if she ever wants to get away. Call the hotline MsKim linked to and follow their advice.
posted by hermitosis at 9:39 AM on December 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
It's only natural to imagine worst case scenarios, but if you have no evidence of any violent behavior so far, then I urge you to try and calm down. Sadly, it's not uncommon for people to remain in volatile, nasty relationships just like this one for many years, regardless of how unhappy they seem.
He has no reason to want to leave her, or get rid of her -- he's seeing someone else and she's still sticking around, she takes his bullshit and doesn't (apparently) mind his illegal activities. He can even physically intimidate her without ever having to resort to violence. So as bleak as this picture looks, you should not necessarily assume him to be murderous or physically abusive.
As for what you can do, this problem is way out of your league. I think parents rarely listen to their children when it comes to relationship matters. She needs to be discussing this with someone she views as a peer or an authority. A friend, a sibling, a counselor. But if she's not in anything she wants to get out of, all you can do is let her know you are there for her if she ever wants to get away. Call the hotline MsKim linked to and follow their advice.
posted by hermitosis at 9:39 AM on December 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
I just wanted to address this specific part:
I think he's a sociopath because he lies and acts like nothing phases him and is an extreme opportunist.
I would veer away from expressing this opinion while you're dealing with this situation. It won't help you, and if you try to address this with someone, it will sound like you are blowing things out of proportion and not take the rest of the stuff -- the stuff that's happening and of which you are sure -- seriously. He's got some clearly assholish traits. Stick with that and let the psychologists make the diagnosis.
posted by griphus at 9:53 AM on December 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think he's a sociopath because he lies and acts like nothing phases him and is an extreme opportunist.
I would veer away from expressing this opinion while you're dealing with this situation. It won't help you, and if you try to address this with someone, it will sound like you are blowing things out of proportion and not take the rest of the stuff -- the stuff that's happening and of which you are sure -- seriously. He's got some clearly assholish traits. Stick with that and let the psychologists make the diagnosis.
posted by griphus at 9:53 AM on December 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
Your mother's clearly made a bad choice in boyfriends, but nothing you've said here really indicates that he is in any way violent. I think you are letting your (very natural) personal bias against this man who is cheating on your Mom rile you up. I imagine you feel helpless and frustrated at the whole situation, and you want to to find some way to get this man out of your Mom's life.
But your Mom is an adult, and she's responsible for her own choices. Furthermore, even though this guy has cheated on her, she called up the other women and told them off while not (at least from what you've said) kicking this guy to the curb, so she is, perhaps a bit desperately, clinging to this relationship. If you get in the middle of this, you are likely to cause problems in your own relationship with your Mom without making anything better between her and the boyfriend.
As hard as it is to hear, unless he actually becomes physically abusive towards her, you should stay out of this one.
posted by misha at 10:52 AM on December 10, 2010
But your Mom is an adult, and she's responsible for her own choices. Furthermore, even though this guy has cheated on her, she called up the other women and told them off while not (at least from what you've said) kicking this guy to the curb, so she is, perhaps a bit desperately, clinging to this relationship. If you get in the middle of this, you are likely to cause problems in your own relationship with your Mom without making anything better between her and the boyfriend.
As hard as it is to hear, unless he actually becomes physically abusive towards her, you should stay out of this one.
posted by misha at 10:52 AM on December 10, 2010
I have family that is in a different situation than yours but that never the less causes me a lot of heart ache and one of the toughest things for me to learn to accept was that there was nothing I could do. In the beginning I tried making suggestions, buying books for them, pointing out how this and that was wrong and harmful and in the end I only drove myself crazy. My only suggestion is to make sure to take care of you so that you don't get too sucked into the drama. If/when your mother decides she wants your help you need to be sane and whole. Best of luck.
posted by heatherly at 11:07 AM on December 10, 2010
posted by heatherly at 11:07 AM on December 10, 2010
Would you find it helpful to look into this guy's background? If he has a history of violence there is probably a public record of it. Obviously, not finding a record won't mean he isn't violent, but if you do find a record it may give you some directions to look in for how to handle this situation.
posted by Logic Sheep at 11:12 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Logic Sheep at 11:12 AM on December 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
If she's actively contacting his other lovers, then she's in full-on drama participation mode and is unlikely to listen to reason
This. Be there to listen, be there to support, contact the domestic abuse folks, but that's about it. If she's calling the "other" woman and telling her that he wants nothing more to do with her, then she's blaming the other woman, not him, and so any advice is likely to fall on deaf ears.
posted by davejay at 1:04 PM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
This. Be there to listen, be there to support, contact the domestic abuse folks, but that's about it. If she's calling the "other" woman and telling her that he wants nothing more to do with her, then she's blaming the other woman, not him, and so any advice is likely to fall on deaf ears.
posted by davejay at 1:04 PM on December 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Everyone is right about the physical danger - so far no real evidence - so that is good.
I know a woman who was with a man like this for many many years. I met her well after the fact. During their relationship, she went to court and testified on more than one occasion on his behalf to save him from a theft conviction. Of course she was lying for him and committing perjury. This woman also gave this disreputable fellow a lot of money.
From what I read in your Ask, your mom is in more danger from her bf's illegal activities and other shenanigans than she is from physical abuse.
Call the hotline numbers provided above in other answers and start researching your options. It's true there might be nothing you can do because your mom is making her own choices right now, but at least you'll be better educated generally.
FWIW, the woman I knew just got sick of the drama and lying one day and ended the relationship all on her own. It took a long time for her to heal and process the experience she had actively participated in, but she did get better and take control of her life back. I'm telling you this so that you can keep a good thought for your mom while she goes down this road. People overcome these sorts of relationships all the time - I've seen it happen.
posted by jbenben at 1:06 PM on December 10, 2010
I know a woman who was with a man like this for many many years. I met her well after the fact. During their relationship, she went to court and testified on more than one occasion on his behalf to save him from a theft conviction. Of course she was lying for him and committing perjury. This woman also gave this disreputable fellow a lot of money.
From what I read in your Ask, your mom is in more danger from her bf's illegal activities and other shenanigans than she is from physical abuse.
Call the hotline numbers provided above in other answers and start researching your options. It's true there might be nothing you can do because your mom is making her own choices right now, but at least you'll be better educated generally.
FWIW, the woman I knew just got sick of the drama and lying one day and ended the relationship all on her own. It took a long time for her to heal and process the experience she had actively participated in, but she did get better and take control of her life back. I'm telling you this so that you can keep a good thought for your mom while she goes down this road. People overcome these sorts of relationships all the time - I've seen it happen.
posted by jbenben at 1:06 PM on December 10, 2010
I feel he could try to get rid of her in a violent way.
Assess what makes you believe this. Does he say things, even in a "jokey" manner, that imply this? What is the status of his family and/or previous relationships children? If the threats are real, you need to take real action. As in, get your mother out of the house, call the cops, etc.
If they aren't, is it possible you need to take a step back?
posted by gjc at 3:13 PM on December 10, 2010
Assess what makes you believe this. Does he say things, even in a "jokey" manner, that imply this? What is the status of his family and/or previous relationships children? If the threats are real, you need to take real action. As in, get your mother out of the house, call the cops, etc.
If they aren't, is it possible you need to take a step back?
posted by gjc at 3:13 PM on December 10, 2010
He sounds like a jerk, but you haven't said anything that implies physical violence. Which doesn't rule it out as a possibility, but it also doesn't rule it in.
What gives me pause is that you're saying you fear for her life. Is there something you're not telling us? That's pretty extreme-- can you write in and explain or lend some context to, e.g., the lies he tells or the manner in which he bosses her around?
posted by J. Wilson at 3:26 PM on December 10, 2010
What gives me pause is that you're saying you fear for her life. Is there something you're not telling us? That's pretty extreme-- can you write in and explain or lend some context to, e.g., the lies he tells or the manner in which he bosses her around?
posted by J. Wilson at 3:26 PM on December 10, 2010
With people who lack a conscience, the only thing that stops them from doing anything is their own desires, and external consequences. Some people, even if they don't have a conscience, won't commit violence anyway because they personally don't desire to/it scares or repels them in some way.
On the other hand, some people have no conscience and also have no problem with violence. So what they care about is consequences.
If that were the case, I think the main thing protecting your mom is the boyfriend being aware that if anything were to happen to her, he would be the prime and chief suspect, his entire life and all of his other unsavory activities would come under extreme scrutiny for many years, that there are many people who would leave no stone unturned until they dug up all possible evidence on him, and that there are many people who would make it their life's mission to see that he went to prison for the rest of his life.
However, I don't think *you* should threaten him with this. You don't want to make this person fixate on you as his enemy. Does your mom have any family or friends who are police officers or soldiers, etc.? They should make their presence in her life very known and make him very aware that they have their eyes on him and know all about who he is and what his activities are.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:43 PM on December 10, 2010
On the other hand, some people have no conscience and also have no problem with violence. So what they care about is consequences.
If that were the case, I think the main thing protecting your mom is the boyfriend being aware that if anything were to happen to her, he would be the prime and chief suspect, his entire life and all of his other unsavory activities would come under extreme scrutiny for many years, that there are many people who would leave no stone unturned until they dug up all possible evidence on him, and that there are many people who would make it their life's mission to see that he went to prison for the rest of his life.
However, I don't think *you* should threaten him with this. You don't want to make this person fixate on you as his enemy. Does your mom have any family or friends who are police officers or soldiers, etc.? They should make their presence in her life very known and make him very aware that they have their eyes on him and know all about who he is and what his activities are.
posted by Ashley801 at 10:43 PM on December 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lhall at 9:23 AM on December 10, 2010