Where's the sex drive?
November 28, 2010 4:53 PM Subscribe
My fiancé has almost not sex drive. Am I screwed? No pun intended.
I am a 30 year old male who is engaged to a smart, attractive, fun 29 year old woman. The problem is...she has no sex drive. We have been together for eight years. In our early twenties she was more sexual. I always seemed to instigate it but she was at least horny. Later on, she was always tired or "not feeling well". It was understandable as she was going to college and working a crappy job full time. I put up with it...thanks to a lot of masturbation.
Flash forward to present day. We live together and she almost never starts fooling around with me. If I ask her she's never in the mood. I have a very high sex drive and I'm not sure how I've lasted this long. I'm started to feel rejected and no longer attracted to her. She is still attractive but I'm starting to not feel in the mood.
She admits that she has a very low sex drive and sincerely wants to change it. We've had lengthy discussions about what I can do to help and she has assured me that it has nothing to do with me.
In the last few months, my sex drive towards her has gone way down. I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs.
Now, my questions: What can I do to help her discover her sex drive? Have you ever dealt with this? How would you deal with it?
I am a 30 year old male who is engaged to a smart, attractive, fun 29 year old woman. The problem is...she has no sex drive. We have been together for eight years. In our early twenties she was more sexual. I always seemed to instigate it but she was at least horny. Later on, she was always tired or "not feeling well". It was understandable as she was going to college and working a crappy job full time. I put up with it...thanks to a lot of masturbation.
Flash forward to present day. We live together and she almost never starts fooling around with me. If I ask her she's never in the mood. I have a very high sex drive and I'm not sure how I've lasted this long. I'm started to feel rejected and no longer attracted to her. She is still attractive but I'm starting to not feel in the mood.
She admits that she has a very low sex drive and sincerely wants to change it. We've had lengthy discussions about what I can do to help and she has assured me that it has nothing to do with me.
In the last few months, my sex drive towards her has gone way down. I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs.
Now, my questions: What can I do to help her discover her sex drive? Have you ever dealt with this? How would you deal with it?
First thing is to get off of any hormonal birth control she may be on and see what happens to her sex drive. The pill is notorious for that.
posted by fshgrl at 5:02 PM on November 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 5:02 PM on November 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Is she on any medications? Specifically, antipsychotics or mood stabilizers? If so, she needs to speak with her prescribing doctor.
posted by griphus at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by griphus at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
Seconding some medical investigation. There are a bazillion things that can affect a woman's sex drive - from extra body weight to birth control pills to thyroid disorder to sleep apnea. It may take a while to find a good doctor to help find the cause, but it's worth the effort.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
Or, well, fourthing.....
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by PorcineWithMe at 5:05 PM on November 28, 2010
This is already severely impacting your relationship as a whole, and it won't get better (you know that, right?) unless something changes.
What can change? Doctors maybe be able to help her with her sex drive, you can ask her if there's something you can do to help her discover her sex drive, she can try different forms of birth control. Mostly, though, you need to communicate with her that this is a serious issue that is affecting your relationship and that you want to work on it together as a team.
posted by ldthomps at 5:07 PM on November 28, 2010
What can change? Doctors maybe be able to help her with her sex drive, you can ask her if there's something you can do to help her discover her sex drive, she can try different forms of birth control. Mostly, though, you need to communicate with her that this is a serious issue that is affecting your relationship and that you want to work on it together as a team.
posted by ldthomps at 5:07 PM on November 28, 2010
I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs.
This sounds like a guy who is about to cheat. It sounds to me like she is trying her hardest. You don't say how often you guys have sex - do you really have NO sex at all?? Would she support an open arrangement?
I don't remember you mentioning that you love her anywhere in your post. Maybe you should leave her because you sound REALLY frustrated and this is not usually something that gets better (if it isn't medically related, that is). From what I've heard, it only ever gets worse, ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER. Like, imagine how it's going to be when you're married and you guys have kids?
Nthing the others who say that your lady should probably see a doctor to see if that's causing her low sex drive.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 5:10 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
This sounds like a guy who is about to cheat. It sounds to me like she is trying her hardest. You don't say how often you guys have sex - do you really have NO sex at all?? Would she support an open arrangement?
I don't remember you mentioning that you love her anywhere in your post. Maybe you should leave her because you sound REALLY frustrated and this is not usually something that gets better (if it isn't medically related, that is). From what I've heard, it only ever gets worse, ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER. Like, imagine how it's going to be when you're married and you guys have kids?
Nthing the others who say that your lady should probably see a doctor to see if that's causing her low sex drive.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 5:10 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs.
I'd try to get over this aspect of this issue, which is the one that is totally under your control. It makes you sound sort of petty. I totally sympathize with your situation, but not being intimate is one relationship issue, cheating is an entirely other one. Neither is totally okay but one doesn't cause the other.
There is a similar though not entirely the same "my partner's libido does not match mine" AskMe that I answered earlier today. I am not sure by what you ar saying if you guys are still having sex or not. That is, is she saying "well I'm not that into it but I'm okay with fooling around, it just might take me a while to warm up" or is she saying "I'm not that into it, so no"? If it's the latter, you have every right to have a conversation with her about this basically saying it's not acceptable to you and if it's likewise not acceptable to you, then you guys need to work on it.
Working on it can take many forms. She can talk to her GP/GYN. You guys could consider an open relationship. You could try to both meet each other halfway. If the two of you agree that this is a relationship issue, then it needs to be addressed as such. If it were me, I'd be totally okay with holding off on the lifetime commitment until I was sure our libido levels were somewhat equalized. I'm someone definitely on the lower end of the libido scale, but I'm very clear that I can't just expect someone with a higher libido to make a lifetime commitment to me without us finding a way to make it work for both of us.
And I think it's okay to say that non-matching libidos are a deal-breaker. It can be tough to talk about this sort of thing, but one of the larger differences between your partner and your other long term and close friends is the intimacy of a sexual relationship and it's okay that you want that in your life. However, at some level while the two of you can work on this together as a couple, she is the one who needs to be on board most of all. There's often a lot of baggage built into people's sexual responses and having someone be like "Are you ready now... how about now? Now?" can itself be a turnoff, it's an annoying catch-22.
As far as what may work, there are actually some decent posts in the I Live in A Sexless Marriage experience group, you might want to do a little looking into posts like this one which have the standard techniques that are suggested -- taking sex off the table, building up intimacy in other ways, being physically and verbally affectionate, date nights, etc. You'll notice in the comments that there's a lot you can learn not necessarily just from you doing those things, but seeing what the response is from your partner. Are you feeling heard and respected and understood? Are they on board with working through this? Do you look at the other person and say "YOU have a problem" or do you view it as a relationship issue?
Life's too short and you're too young to be giving up on having fulfilling sex be part of your life for decades to come. I wish you the best of luck working through this.
posted by jessamyn at 5:17 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'd try to get over this aspect of this issue, which is the one that is totally under your control. It makes you sound sort of petty. I totally sympathize with your situation, but not being intimate is one relationship issue, cheating is an entirely other one. Neither is totally okay but one doesn't cause the other.
There is a similar though not entirely the same "my partner's libido does not match mine" AskMe that I answered earlier today. I am not sure by what you ar saying if you guys are still having sex or not. That is, is she saying "well I'm not that into it but I'm okay with fooling around, it just might take me a while to warm up" or is she saying "I'm not that into it, so no"? If it's the latter, you have every right to have a conversation with her about this basically saying it's not acceptable to you and if it's likewise not acceptable to you, then you guys need to work on it.
Working on it can take many forms. She can talk to her GP/GYN. You guys could consider an open relationship. You could try to both meet each other halfway. If the two of you agree that this is a relationship issue, then it needs to be addressed as such. If it were me, I'd be totally okay with holding off on the lifetime commitment until I was sure our libido levels were somewhat equalized. I'm someone definitely on the lower end of the libido scale, but I'm very clear that I can't just expect someone with a higher libido to make a lifetime commitment to me without us finding a way to make it work for both of us.
And I think it's okay to say that non-matching libidos are a deal-breaker. It can be tough to talk about this sort of thing, but one of the larger differences between your partner and your other long term and close friends is the intimacy of a sexual relationship and it's okay that you want that in your life. However, at some level while the two of you can work on this together as a couple, she is the one who needs to be on board most of all. There's often a lot of baggage built into people's sexual responses and having someone be like "Are you ready now... how about now? Now?" can itself be a turnoff, it's an annoying catch-22.
As far as what may work, there are actually some decent posts in the I Live in A Sexless Marriage experience group, you might want to do a little looking into posts like this one which have the standard techniques that are suggested -- taking sex off the table, building up intimacy in other ways, being physically and verbally affectionate, date nights, etc. You'll notice in the comments that there's a lot you can learn not necessarily just from you doing those things, but seeing what the response is from your partner. Are you feeling heard and respected and understood? Are they on board with working through this? Do you look at the other person and say "YOU have a problem" or do you view it as a relationship issue?
Life's too short and you're too young to be giving up on having fulfilling sex be part of your life for decades to come. I wish you the best of luck working through this.
posted by jessamyn at 5:17 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Two things I wanted to add:
Do not, under any circumstance, get married until this is resolved. And I don't mean on the road to be resolved or "we're dealing with it" or in any situation outside of a sex life that you find satisfactory. You do not want to be legally bound together when the shit hits the fan. And if you want sex and she does not want sex, the shit will hit the fan. Not necessarily in a dramatic, exploding fashion, but in one way or another the dissatisfaction will corrode the relationship. Hell, in my state (NY), a year's worth of denied sex is grounds for divorce.
Would she support an open arrangement?
I would advise against this. There is a certain type of couple who can make an open relationship genuinely work without drama or resentment, and I can assure you that it is not the same couple who have entered into it out of sheer desperation.
posted by griphus at 5:19 PM on November 28, 2010 [21 favorites]
Do not, under any circumstance, get married until this is resolved. And I don't mean on the road to be resolved or "we're dealing with it" or in any situation outside of a sex life that you find satisfactory. You do not want to be legally bound together when the shit hits the fan. And if you want sex and she does not want sex, the shit will hit the fan. Not necessarily in a dramatic, exploding fashion, but in one way or another the dissatisfaction will corrode the relationship. Hell, in my state (NY), a year's worth of denied sex is grounds for divorce.
Would she support an open arrangement?
I would advise against this. There is a certain type of couple who can make an open relationship genuinely work without drama or resentment, and I can assure you that it is not the same couple who have entered into it out of sheer desperation.
posted by griphus at 5:19 PM on November 28, 2010 [21 favorites]
If you can't work out this issue you should seriously consider calling off the wedding.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:21 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by KokuRyu at 5:21 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is she on birth control or any other drugs (for anxiety, depression, etc.)? Has she gained weight in the past eight years? Have you gained weight?
posted by halogen at 5:26 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by halogen at 5:26 PM on November 28, 2010
Even if you did have an open relationship or whatever, sex helps build and maintain intimacy in a relationship. A total lack of sex can hurt the relationship in many ways beyond just sexual frustration.
posted by wildcrdj at 5:36 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wildcrdj at 5:36 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
the standard techniques that are suggested -- taking sex off the table, building up intimacy in other ways, being physically and verbally affectionate, date nights, etc
That's the list I was going to suggest, more or less.
And more than that, you should think about whether or not you are doing your part outside of the bedroom. There's an old cliche about the best foreplay is doing the dishes, and while it's not literally true, it's correct in that no one is going to feel turned on if they are feeling put-upon, taken for granted, or are just plain old tired from working and household chores and all the other stresses that can pile up. (This is why tropical vacations are so good for so many people's sex lives, because all of their quotidian concerns are temporarily swept away.)
posted by Forktine at 5:38 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
That's the list I was going to suggest, more or less.
And more than that, you should think about whether or not you are doing your part outside of the bedroom. There's an old cliche about the best foreplay is doing the dishes, and while it's not literally true, it's correct in that no one is going to feel turned on if they are feeling put-upon, taken for granted, or are just plain old tired from working and household chores and all the other stresses that can pile up. (This is why tropical vacations are so good for so many people's sex lives, because all of their quotidian concerns are temporarily swept away.)
posted by Forktine at 5:38 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Also, this is a question that has been asked before (example); some of the answers in previous iterations might be useful to look at.
posted by Forktine at 5:42 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by Forktine at 5:42 PM on November 28, 2010
Nthing that it could be hormonal, if she's on birth control.
It could also be the way she is, or the way she thinks she is. I had a low sex drive with the man I was with before I met my (now) husband. Now, that's not so much a problem.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:46 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
It could also be the way she is, or the way she thinks she is. I had a low sex drive with the man I was with before I met my (now) husband. Now, that's not so much a problem.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 5:46 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dan Savage tackled a similar question in a recent episode of his podcast. (Seek to 29:15 for the relevant caller)
I might not necessarily agree with all of his advice, but the wedding definitely needs to be taken off of the table for now, until you can figure out a way through this. For both of your sakes.
posted by schmod at 5:48 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I might not necessarily agree with all of his advice, but the wedding definitely needs to be taken off of the table for now, until you can figure out a way through this. For both of your sakes.
posted by schmod at 5:48 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't think there's any reason why an open relationship wouldn't work here. He wants to have sex and she doesn't. Presumably, she loves him and would be happy for him to get his rocks off elsewhere, especially if she were able to keep her primacy in his life as his fiancee/wife. But I tend to agree with Dan Savage on these matters, so...
posted by SkylitDrawl at 6:04 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by SkylitDrawl at 6:04 PM on November 28, 2010
If it doesn't change you need to end things, if this is important to you.
If she just has different expectations around sex and frequency then things aren't going to change. Things won't get better.
posted by ged at 6:31 PM on November 28, 2010
If she just has different expectations around sex and frequency then things aren't going to change. Things won't get better.
posted by ged at 6:31 PM on November 28, 2010
There's nothing wrong with your fiance having a low sex drive. There *IS* something wrong with you knowing how important sex is to you but marrying her anyway even though you already know what's going to happen.
"I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs."
I'm going to echo the commenter above who said you sound like a guy who will cheat. In fact, what else could that statement be other than an excuse for when or why you cheat? By staying engaged, you're choosing to put yourself in that position.
You have to stop the wedding plans now. Period. You also need to be extra vigilant about birth control if the two of you DO have sex because a child would be very very very bad news.
Maybe she has a medical problem and a pill will turn her into the sex craving woman of your dreams. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Talk to a doctor because, sure, it's possible... but the truth is, we're all wired differently and some of us are more sexual than others. And some people become less sexual as they grow older. Then again, some people become more sexual.
There's nothing wrong with your fiance having a low sex drive. There *IS* something wrong with you knowing how important sex is to you but marrying her anyway even though you already know what's going to happen. Yes, I said that twice. I said it twice because it's that important.
Like it or not, it's you who has a problem here. There's probably nothing medically wrong with your fiance. She might just be a woman with a low sex drive, and she's probably happy in the mostly sexless relationship.
If you and your fiance aren't similar enough sexually and you get married anyway, you'll be a husband who doesn't have sex (or you'll be a husband who cheats). Only bad things will come of that.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:05 PM on November 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
"I don't think I'll cheat but I have my needs."
I'm going to echo the commenter above who said you sound like a guy who will cheat. In fact, what else could that statement be other than an excuse for when or why you cheat? By staying engaged, you're choosing to put yourself in that position.
You have to stop the wedding plans now. Period. You also need to be extra vigilant about birth control if the two of you DO have sex because a child would be very very very bad news.
Maybe she has a medical problem and a pill will turn her into the sex craving woman of your dreams. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Talk to a doctor because, sure, it's possible... but the truth is, we're all wired differently and some of us are more sexual than others. And some people become less sexual as they grow older. Then again, some people become more sexual.
There's nothing wrong with your fiance having a low sex drive. There *IS* something wrong with you knowing how important sex is to you but marrying her anyway even though you already know what's going to happen. Yes, I said that twice. I said it twice because it's that important.
Like it or not, it's you who has a problem here. There's probably nothing medically wrong with your fiance. She might just be a woman with a low sex drive, and she's probably happy in the mostly sexless relationship.
If you and your fiance aren't similar enough sexually and you get married anyway, you'll be a husband who doesn't have sex (or you'll be a husband who cheats). Only bad things will come of that.
posted by 2oh1 at 7:05 PM on November 28, 2010 [4 favorites]
Agreeing with the commenters above. A lack of a match in sex drive, especially given an 8 year history, is something to be extremely worried about. IMHO and in my experience, her birth control is unlikely to be it. Different people simply have different sex drives.
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to harmonize. Sex drives don't just change. Whether she wants to "work on it" or not, you'll be frustrated, and at best she'll be doing you a favor.
Bleah. There's no worse sex than "favor" sex. Trust me, I've been there. I'm now a lot better.
Find someone with a sex drive compatible with yours. It is difficult, and it stinks, but what is happening right now should highlight a couple things:
- You have little control over basic drives. They don't change.
- "Chemistry" is shorthand for "are we compatible in bed, including how often we like to do it."
- Chemistry is incredibly important. Intellectual compatibility isn't a good stand-in for sexual chemistry.
- How much you like each other doesn't really matter if the chemistry isn't right.
- Different combinations of people result in different chemistry, it ain't your fault. She may in fact be quite turned on by someone else in a way you just can't understand. You don't need to understand for this to happen.
- If you get married to someone with a lower sex drive than yours, you will at the least feel ripped off, and most likely you'll cheat.
Sorry, but with 8 years of experience, I say time to move on. Your chemistry isn't going to get better.
posted by Invoke at 7:23 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately, it seems unlikely that you'll be able to harmonize. Sex drives don't just change. Whether she wants to "work on it" or not, you'll be frustrated, and at best she'll be doing you a favor.
Bleah. There's no worse sex than "favor" sex. Trust me, I've been there. I'm now a lot better.
Find someone with a sex drive compatible with yours. It is difficult, and it stinks, but what is happening right now should highlight a couple things:
- You have little control over basic drives. They don't change.
- "Chemistry" is shorthand for "are we compatible in bed, including how often we like to do it."
- Chemistry is incredibly important. Intellectual compatibility isn't a good stand-in for sexual chemistry.
- How much you like each other doesn't really matter if the chemistry isn't right.
- Different combinations of people result in different chemistry, it ain't your fault. She may in fact be quite turned on by someone else in a way you just can't understand. You don't need to understand for this to happen.
- If you get married to someone with a lower sex drive than yours, you will at the least feel ripped off, and most likely you'll cheat.
Sorry, but with 8 years of experience, I say time to move on. Your chemistry isn't going to get better.
posted by Invoke at 7:23 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
People have different sex drives, and it's really common for women to have lower sex drives than men in long term relationships. Leaving gender aside, sex drives are so different that the ideal of an equal match may be hard to find for anyone. Obviously no sex is a problem, but you might be able to reach a middle ground, like so many other things in life. This might not be your ideal amount of sex, but sometimes relationships aren't about a one-sided "getting your needs met.". Think about what you'd be giving up if you left her -- you can find sex anywhere; love, not so much. Would you leave a strong, loving relationship with a compatible person just because you weren't getting all the sex you wanted? That may be your choice, but keep in mind that love can be a rare thing, and no relationship is totally perfect.
posted by mrs. sock at 8:12 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by mrs. sock at 8:12 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
It isn't at all one-sided to suggest that sexual compatibility is important. Nor is it helpful to suggest that you should transcend that messy sex stuff and focus on the love.
It is at least equally annoying for the party-who-doesn't-want-sex-as-often as it is to the party-who-wants-sex-more often. Equally damaging to the loving relationship too.
"Compatibility" in my mind means "wants sex about + or - one time a week". A "usually daily" woman is unlikely to be happy with a "couple-times-per-week" guy.
In my experience, the only people who really put forth the "it's about love" argument are people with very low drives, such as "once or twice a month". My experience may not be yours, but I'd bet money that if you are making that argument that sex isn't a big part of your relationship.
posted by Invoke at 8:31 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
It is at least equally annoying for the party-who-doesn't-want-sex-as-often as it is to the party-who-wants-sex-more often. Equally damaging to the loving relationship too.
"Compatibility" in my mind means "wants sex about + or - one time a week". A "usually daily" woman is unlikely to be happy with a "couple-times-per-week" guy.
In my experience, the only people who really put forth the "it's about love" argument are people with very low drives, such as "once or twice a month". My experience may not be yours, but I'd bet money that if you are making that argument that sex isn't a big part of your relationship.
posted by Invoke at 8:31 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds like this has reached the point of being a "problem" a while ago. So you're probably both in a state of frustration. From that perspective you're very unlikely to resolve things effectively on your own. Different sex drives is very common even in very successful relationships (I guess its a matter of degree though). The best advice in this situation is to seek professional help in the form of a professional sex therapist that can take things from a place of its a "problem" to "what can we do". You can always decide to call it quits, but giving it a chance by seeking outside help might be effective over time.
posted by blueyellow at 8:53 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by blueyellow at 8:53 PM on November 28, 2010
Dan Savage talks about what he calls the 'Cycle of Dread".
This occurs when the first person doesn't want to have sex, and the second person does. This imbalance causes the first person to view sex as an obligation, or an issue, which makes them even less inclined to want to do it. The cycle thus continues. You can read his recommendations in the link. Also, begin browsing the Savage Love archive. There is gold in them thar hills.
Cheating isn't about sex.
posted by seagull.apollo at 11:58 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
This occurs when the first person doesn't want to have sex, and the second person does. This imbalance causes the first person to view sex as an obligation, or an issue, which makes them even less inclined to want to do it. The cycle thus continues. You can read his recommendations in the link. Also, begin browsing the Savage Love archive. There is gold in them thar hills.
Cheating isn't about sex.
posted by seagull.apollo at 11:58 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is sounding all too familiar to me. but I was the one with the low sex drive. We were also at the talking about Marriage stage even though there was this huge issue between us that keep coming up / fights / 'talks' etc.. endless discussions.
We broke up. and a year or so later I'm convinced that this was the right course of action. Seriously don't marry this person until you sort that out / or break up.
posted by mary8nne at 6:06 AM on November 29, 2010
We broke up. and a year or so later I'm convinced that this was the right course of action. Seriously don't marry this person until you sort that out / or break up.
posted by mary8nne at 6:06 AM on November 29, 2010
I don't think that radical incompatibility in sex drives is good -- say, a once-a-monther and a twice-a-dayer. But if it's really just a matter of 2 times a week vs. 6 times a week... Then I think there is a middle ground if the relationship is otherwise great.
posted by mrs. sock at 6:38 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by mrs. sock at 6:38 AM on November 29, 2010
If it's actually "low sex drive" and not "no sex drive," regular masturbation (for you) can help. There is surely a place between what you require and what you desire.
If what you require is more than what she can provide and medical issues that can be fixed and, more importantly, that she wants to have fixed have been ruled out it's time to move on from this relationship.
Regarding cheating, while I think that people who say that there's no cause-and-effect there at all are fooling themselves, I also think it's incumbent on you to not do that. The proper course of action is breaking it off with the current lady before moving on to the next, not going behind the current lady's back because you don't feel like you're getting the sex you want.
posted by wierdo at 7:09 AM on November 29, 2010
If what you require is more than what she can provide and medical issues that can be fixed and, more importantly, that she wants to have fixed have been ruled out it's time to move on from this relationship.
Regarding cheating, while I think that people who say that there's no cause-and-effect there at all are fooling themselves, I also think it's incumbent on you to not do that. The proper course of action is breaking it off with the current lady before moving on to the next, not going behind the current lady's back because you don't feel like you're getting the sex you want.
posted by wierdo at 7:09 AM on November 29, 2010
As much as I'm the last person to argue that people are binary, when it comes to sex, there do seem to be, more or less, two kinds of people: sexual people and asexual people. There really are -- and I know that this is hard to believe -- people for whom sex just isn't all that interesting or all that necessary. (And yes, sometimes such people are even male.) If she has never had much of a sex drive, the odds are very high that she isn't ever likely to develop one. Whether her lack of interest is a function of basic biochemistry, the chemistry between you, her aesthetic taste, an uptight upbringing, poor socialization insofar as dealing with men, some trauma in her background, middle class Catholicism, whatever, it almost doesn't matter: this is one of those things that just is what it is. And what you have to decide is how you want to live your life -- intimate and otherwise -- with a partner intended to be more than just a roommate or a friend.
Your story sounds like the beginning of the script of a situation I have observed for many years now. The couple in question married; the sexual incompatibilities never got resolved; the lack of intimacy extended / extends over almost every other aspect of their lives (e.g., word to the wise); the marriage is, in short, godawful miserable. This couple has been in this mess for >25 years, and stays in it because (a) for her, it's easy and profitable (i.e., she doesn't work and can't be bothered to do so) and (b) for him, it's better than being alone and she'd be expensive to pension off. This is a cautionary tale, and a sadly very common one.
Another thought to consider: it can be argued that nobody is better than the wrong body.
posted by cool breeze at 3:06 PM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
Your story sounds like the beginning of the script of a situation I have observed for many years now. The couple in question married; the sexual incompatibilities never got resolved; the lack of intimacy extended / extends over almost every other aspect of their lives (e.g., word to the wise); the marriage is, in short, godawful miserable. This couple has been in this mess for >25 years, and stays in it because (a) for her, it's easy and profitable (i.e., she doesn't work and can't be bothered to do so) and (b) for him, it's better than being alone and she'd be expensive to pension off. This is a cautionary tale, and a sadly very common one.
Another thought to consider: it can be argued that nobody is better than the wrong body.
posted by cool breeze at 3:06 PM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 4:59 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]