My sister is in a controlling relationship, and I'm worried.
November 24, 2010 7:54 PM Subscribe
My sister's boyfriend is controlling, may have BPD, and seems to be isolating her and destroying her career. I'm worried for her, and have to see the two of them tomorrow at Thanksgiving. I need advice on how to approach this situation in the short and long term.
My sister is 19 and in her first relationship with a 30 year old man. They are both involved in an athletic career, where he met her about a year and a half ago. He began pursuing her vigorously, and they have been dating for about six months. About two months ago, my sister's trainer found out about this and they had a huge falling out, where she either quit or they decided together that she would no longer work for him(more below). The cause of the falling out? Her boyfriend has a history of menacing behavior.
After his last relationship ended, he went to pick up things at his ex's. He began cutting himself, she called the police, and he began threatening her with the knife. She left, he broke stuff in her apartment, then left. When police showed up he returned and would not comply with officers, reaching for his pocket (which later was found to contain a knife). After ignoring warnings, he was tased. My sister is apparently aware of this, but does not believe it, and in fact let him move into her apartment around the time of the falling out with her trainer.
I have been trying to approach this issue by asking questions, not talking about him frequently (since my parents nag her), and generally trying to be available to her. This is made slightly difficult by her propensity for lying, which has been exacerbated by this situation.
Tonight I was going to cook with her for tomorrow, and her boyfriend was going to have Thanksgiving elsewhere. Suddenly, she calls my mom and says both of them are coming to our evening of cooking, and to Thanksgiving. My mom says that's ok, but that they'll have to sleep in separate beds since it's her house and she's not happy with their living situation. My sister cancels the cooking date with me.
This leaves me in an unhappy position. My parents are trying to get her to see that he's not a good person to be dating, that her career is basically non-existent since leaving her trainer, and that they don't really want to be financially supporting her while she's living with him. As I said before, I've been trying to be a neutral party. However, I just recently found out the details of his incident with his ex by reading the police report, and am deeply disturbed by his threatening his ex and reaching for a knife in response to a policeman. My gut response is to force her to read the report, show her the DSM criteria for borderline personality disorder (many of which he meets), and throw The Gift of Fear and any number of other similar books that AskMe tends to recommend at her. But I don't know if she'll listen. I'm afraid she'll feel like her family is attacking her and retreat to him. However, I don't know how long I can play the cool big sister. This is really stressing me out, partially because I was previously in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and this is reminding me of all the manipulation and
control in that relationship.
Therefore, I'm hoping that you can give me some advice on three fronts:
1) How should I behave at dinner tomorrow with him, when I want to provoke him into doing something or confront him?
2) What should my long term approach to this be?
3) Is there anything my mom can do that might be effective? She is really depressed about this situation.
My sister is 19 and in her first relationship with a 30 year old man. They are both involved in an athletic career, where he met her about a year and a half ago. He began pursuing her vigorously, and they have been dating for about six months. About two months ago, my sister's trainer found out about this and they had a huge falling out, where she either quit or they decided together that she would no longer work for him(more below). The cause of the falling out? Her boyfriend has a history of menacing behavior.
After his last relationship ended, he went to pick up things at his ex's. He began cutting himself, she called the police, and he began threatening her with the knife. She left, he broke stuff in her apartment, then left. When police showed up he returned and would not comply with officers, reaching for his pocket (which later was found to contain a knife). After ignoring warnings, he was tased. My sister is apparently aware of this, but does not believe it, and in fact let him move into her apartment around the time of the falling out with her trainer.
I have been trying to approach this issue by asking questions, not talking about him frequently (since my parents nag her), and generally trying to be available to her. This is made slightly difficult by her propensity for lying, which has been exacerbated by this situation.
Tonight I was going to cook with her for tomorrow, and her boyfriend was going to have Thanksgiving elsewhere. Suddenly, she calls my mom and says both of them are coming to our evening of cooking, and to Thanksgiving. My mom says that's ok, but that they'll have to sleep in separate beds since it's her house and she's not happy with their living situation. My sister cancels the cooking date with me.
This leaves me in an unhappy position. My parents are trying to get her to see that he's not a good person to be dating, that her career is basically non-existent since leaving her trainer, and that they don't really want to be financially supporting her while she's living with him. As I said before, I've been trying to be a neutral party. However, I just recently found out the details of his incident with his ex by reading the police report, and am deeply disturbed by his threatening his ex and reaching for a knife in response to a policeman. My gut response is to force her to read the report, show her the DSM criteria for borderline personality disorder (many of which he meets), and throw The Gift of Fear and any number of other similar books that AskMe tends to recommend at her. But I don't know if she'll listen. I'm afraid she'll feel like her family is attacking her and retreat to him. However, I don't know how long I can play the cool big sister. This is really stressing me out, partially because I was previously in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and this is reminding me of all the manipulation and
control in that relationship.
Therefore, I'm hoping that you can give me some advice on three fronts:
1) How should I behave at dinner tomorrow with him, when I want to provoke him into doing something or confront him?
2) What should my long term approach to this be?
3) Is there anything my mom can do that might be effective? She is really depressed about this situation.
Best answer: I'm afraid she'll feel like her family is attacking her and retreat to him.
that's probably because the family is attacking her and her natural reaction is to retreat to him.
nagging isn't going to work, neither is berating, questioning her decision making and sense of character, or any other way you want to spin that. what's certainly and absolutely not going to work is to confront him/them/try to provoke a reaction at a dinner she already feels defensive about. christmas, thanksgiving, the baby's baptism, these are all locations for big family shouting matches in the movies - which is exactly why they're a very bad idea for real life. you want less, not more, drama.
when someone is in an unhealthy relationship, ultimatums and putting your foot down and all those sorts of strong armed tactics only prolong the relationship.
you say yourself "partially because I was previously in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and this is reminding me of all the manipulation and
control in that relationship." - think about you at that time - think about anyone who tried to talk you out of it or called you dumb for staying or cut off their friendship. did any of that help at the time? is it possible you're wanting to say to her what you wish you could have said to yourself?
if you really want to get her to leave him, you have to approach her with unending patience and understanding and love. she has to know that if the situation is dangerous that she can call and you'll be there and you won't say "i told you so." when she talks about him, it's appropriate to set boundaries "hey, i can only talk about your boyfriend for 10 minutes, then we have to change the topic..." it's also useful to not get all shouty and judgmental so that when she says "hey, crazy thing boyfriend did!"you can say something like "oh, that sounds awful. i would have expected a partner to [describe a better way to handle the situation]." tell her what she's missing, tell her how wonderful and even keel and loving relationships can be. and it's a slow process and she might never leave him...but, isn't it more important that she trusts you?
posted by nadawi at 8:18 PM on November 24, 2010 [17 favorites]
that's probably because the family is attacking her and her natural reaction is to retreat to him.
nagging isn't going to work, neither is berating, questioning her decision making and sense of character, or any other way you want to spin that. what's certainly and absolutely not going to work is to confront him/them/try to provoke a reaction at a dinner she already feels defensive about. christmas, thanksgiving, the baby's baptism, these are all locations for big family shouting matches in the movies - which is exactly why they're a very bad idea for real life. you want less, not more, drama.
when someone is in an unhealthy relationship, ultimatums and putting your foot down and all those sorts of strong armed tactics only prolong the relationship.
you say yourself "partially because I was previously in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and this is reminding me of all the manipulation and
control in that relationship." - think about you at that time - think about anyone who tried to talk you out of it or called you dumb for staying or cut off their friendship. did any of that help at the time? is it possible you're wanting to say to her what you wish you could have said to yourself?
if you really want to get her to leave him, you have to approach her with unending patience and understanding and love. she has to know that if the situation is dangerous that she can call and you'll be there and you won't say "i told you so." when she talks about him, it's appropriate to set boundaries "hey, i can only talk about your boyfriend for 10 minutes, then we have to change the topic..." it's also useful to not get all shouty and judgmental so that when she says "hey, crazy thing boyfriend did!"you can say something like "oh, that sounds awful. i would have expected a partner to [describe a better way to handle the situation]." tell her what she's missing, tell her how wonderful and even keel and loving relationships can be. and it's a slow process and she might never leave him...but, isn't it more important that she trusts you?
posted by nadawi at 8:18 PM on November 24, 2010 [17 favorites]
1. Don't. Don't, don't, don't. If you feel like saying something awful, go in the bathroom and write it down or scream into a pillow or text somebody. In fact, writing down some of the stuff he does might be helpful later on -- but do it discreetly. If you do anything to provoke him, he will turn it against you. She will turn it against you, too.
2. Focus all of your energy on her, not on him. If you say, "You're the most awesome and wonderful and fantastic person ever. You deserve someone equally awesome, not this jerk..." she will hear "What is WRONG with you? YOU'RE the loser, because YOU made the choice to be with him."
She needs your support more than ever, no matter what happens. She needs to know that you won't judge her for making bad decisions, and that she can trust you if she gets into a pinch of her own making (whether it's truly her "fault" or whether he has dragged her into a terrible situation against her will).
So focus on saying, "Let's do things that are good and healthy for you. Let's do things that improve your life and your well-being." Leave him completely out of it. If you must discuss him and his behavior, ask open-ended questions and let her supply the answers, either out loud or silently.
3. Your mom needs to do the same thing. Here's the deal, though: if he does something that you feel is dangerous or crosses a line, feel free to set boundaries.
I think the key is to focus on the action, not the person (even though he is clearly awful). Say, "Gosh, messing around with a knife is really dangerous" instead of "This guy is really crazy." It sounds like you're mostly doing that already.
What does she seem like she's missing in her life that makes her want to get with this guy? (Or any guy, or any person who might sweep her away from her previous life.) I know it's so hard to trust HER and believe in her abilities to act like an adult, particularly when she's making these tough choices, but any little thing you can do helps.
She knows what she's doing, even if only inside. She probably doesn't want to admit how deep the hole has gotten; lying in the bed you've made is one way to take a stand, even if it sucks.
I don't think you have to take the role of the "cool sister," or that that necessarily involves looking the other way. Just be there.
posted by Madamina at 8:25 PM on November 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
2. Focus all of your energy on her, not on him. If you say, "You're the most awesome and wonderful and fantastic person ever. You deserve someone equally awesome, not this jerk..." she will hear "What is WRONG with you? YOU'RE the loser, because YOU made the choice to be with him."
She needs your support more than ever, no matter what happens. She needs to know that you won't judge her for making bad decisions, and that she can trust you if she gets into a pinch of her own making (whether it's truly her "fault" or whether he has dragged her into a terrible situation against her will).
So focus on saying, "Let's do things that are good and healthy for you. Let's do things that improve your life and your well-being." Leave him completely out of it. If you must discuss him and his behavior, ask open-ended questions and let her supply the answers, either out loud or silently.
3. Your mom needs to do the same thing. Here's the deal, though: if he does something that you feel is dangerous or crosses a line, feel free to set boundaries.
I think the key is to focus on the action, not the person (even though he is clearly awful). Say, "Gosh, messing around with a knife is really dangerous" instead of "This guy is really crazy." It sounds like you're mostly doing that already.
What does she seem like she's missing in her life that makes her want to get with this guy? (Or any guy, or any person who might sweep her away from her previous life.) I know it's so hard to trust HER and believe in her abilities to act like an adult, particularly when she's making these tough choices, but any little thing you can do helps.
She knows what she's doing, even if only inside. She probably doesn't want to admit how deep the hole has gotten; lying in the bed you've made is one way to take a stand, even if it sucks.
I don't think you have to take the role of the "cool sister," or that that necessarily involves looking the other way. Just be there.
posted by Madamina at 8:25 PM on November 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
I came in to say what nadawi said, only not as well. What's more important to you right now? The issue? Or the relationship? Your sister is a primary relationship. Concentrate on that.
posted by Floydd at 8:28 PM on November 24, 2010
posted by Floydd at 8:28 PM on November 24, 2010
1 Stifle that urge. Be on your best behaviour.
2 She's 19 -- this'll fizzle
I'm not trying to trivialise, just: I balled a BPD reject around that age, it didn't last, and unless your sister has serious problems, I would file this under stormy late-adolescence dramaz and expect the whole thing to blow over fairly quickly (albeit not without some 3am phone calls and whatever other hullaballoo). At 19 she is not going to have her career trashed. There aren't children involved. He hasn't done anything to her. This isn't that serious. Shitty, yes, but.
Anyway, I eventually met the 'BPD reject''s new girlfriend. She was pretty smitten. A friend introduced us, with a 'Please get her away from him' motive. Many rational arguments hadn't done anything, but the relationship was over in a matter of days after some e-mail forwarding. Dude is 30, into dramatic relationships? Definitely there are disgruntled exes of his out there. Find them, see if they won't take a second to spell out how he used the exact same lines (undoubtedly very dramatic lines, full of promise for the future etc) on them that he is now using on her.
posted by kmennie at 8:30 PM on November 24, 2010
2 She's 19 -- this'll fizzle
I'm not trying to trivialise, just: I balled a BPD reject around that age, it didn't last, and unless your sister has serious problems, I would file this under stormy late-adolescence dramaz and expect the whole thing to blow over fairly quickly (albeit not without some 3am phone calls and whatever other hullaballoo). At 19 she is not going to have her career trashed. There aren't children involved. He hasn't done anything to her. This isn't that serious. Shitty, yes, but.
Anyway, I eventually met the 'BPD reject''s new girlfriend. She was pretty smitten. A friend introduced us, with a 'Please get her away from him' motive. Many rational arguments hadn't done anything, but the relationship was over in a matter of days after some e-mail forwarding. Dude is 30, into dramatic relationships? Definitely there are disgruntled exes of his out there. Find them, see if they won't take a second to spell out how he used the exact same lines (undoubtedly very dramatic lines, full of promise for the future etc) on them that he is now using on her.
posted by kmennie at 8:30 PM on November 24, 2010
Find out about the resources for domestic violence in your area. They're the experts in this. Make sure she knows she has a safe place with you. Try to be neutral and let his actions speak for themselves. Listen to her.
posted by theora55 at 9:21 PM on November 24, 2010
posted by theora55 at 9:21 PM on November 24, 2010
You should try to be very nice to him. Ask him all sorts of questions about him, his interests and his work. You are not going to be able to solve this big problem during a Thanksgiving dinner. Take the high ground, be very gracious and put all schemes for getting her out of that relationship on the back burner. It might be hard, but the best strategy is just to bide your time, waiting for the inevitable break up.
posted by naplesyellow at 9:28 PM on November 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by naplesyellow at 9:28 PM on November 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
2nd'ing naplesyellow. As long as she's defending him, she isn't noticing what a scumbag he is -- just let dinner be pleasant (and ideally, boring). If he is so off the rails as you say (threatening people, getting tased), he's not going to be able to play the charming sociopath and convince her that everything's awesome while you guys are hanging out. If you can keep your cool the whole evening, there's a much better chance of her thinking about the relationship than if you put her on the defensive, which is just going to drive her back into his arms.
posted by ®@ at 9:54 PM on November 24, 2010
posted by ®@ at 9:54 PM on November 24, 2010
Find out about the resources for domestic violence in your area. They're the experts in this. Make sure she knows she has a safe place with you. Try to be neutral and let his actions speak for themselves. Listen to her.
Nthing this; actually, you could call a domestic violence hotline and ask for help. You don't have to be a victim to do that. They can probably give you some more concrete info and resources than us random internet types.
You can't force her to seek help, but you can be there for her if she does.
posted by emjaybee at 10:51 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing this; actually, you could call a domestic violence hotline and ask for help. You don't have to be a victim to do that. They can probably give you some more concrete info and resources than us random internet types.
You can't force her to seek help, but you can be there for her if she does.
posted by emjaybee at 10:51 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't try to pursuade her about anything. Don't give any advice, even though that'll be very hard. What you want to do is ask how she's doing, listen to her... and show by your receptive attitude that the can talk to you without your critcism or judging her. That way, when she does need someone to talk to, she'll come to you.
I know it has to be very difficult to see your sister in a bad relationship. Train yourself to just ask questions neutrally and listen.
posted by wryly at 11:10 PM on November 24, 2010
I know it has to be very difficult to see your sister in a bad relationship. Train yourself to just ask questions neutrally and listen.
posted by wryly at 11:10 PM on November 24, 2010
i agree with most of the advice above about not attacking or belittling her or her boyfriend since the effect will be to push her towards him. but i have a question:
My parents are trying to get her to see that he's not a good person to be dating, that her career is basically non-existent since leaving her trainer, and that they don't really want to be financially supporting her while she's living with him.
your parents are still supporting her-- while she's living with a 30 year old, who presumably should have a job? they should cut her off. not to be punitive because they don't like this guy and they are trying to manipulate her into ending her relationship with him, but because she's 19, has made this very adult decision and therefore should be adult enough to live with the consequences. it sounds like she's an elite athlete who chose to discontinue training because of her relationship, so she should either be school or trying to get a job of some kind and learning to support herself. it might help her to reconsider her relationship with this guy if she's also forced to take stock of the rest of her life.
if might be difficult to explain to her that your parents aren't doing this because they don't like the boyfriend, but i would really try hard to get it across to her that the he's largely irrelevant to this decision. it's about letting her better realize the independence that she's staking. plus, your parents are right that they shouldn't have to support her financially, thereby subsidizing his life as well, if she isn't going to be in training.
posted by buka at 2:04 AM on November 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
My parents are trying to get her to see that he's not a good person to be dating, that her career is basically non-existent since leaving her trainer, and that they don't really want to be financially supporting her while she's living with him.
your parents are still supporting her-- while she's living with a 30 year old, who presumably should have a job? they should cut her off. not to be punitive because they don't like this guy and they are trying to manipulate her into ending her relationship with him, but because she's 19, has made this very adult decision and therefore should be adult enough to live with the consequences. it sounds like she's an elite athlete who chose to discontinue training because of her relationship, so she should either be school or trying to get a job of some kind and learning to support herself. it might help her to reconsider her relationship with this guy if she's also forced to take stock of the rest of her life.
if might be difficult to explain to her that your parents aren't doing this because they don't like the boyfriend, but i would really try hard to get it across to her that the he's largely irrelevant to this decision. it's about letting her better realize the independence that she's staking. plus, your parents are right that they shouldn't have to support her financially, thereby subsidizing his life as well, if she isn't going to be in training.
posted by buka at 2:04 AM on November 25, 2010 [3 favorites]
Buka,
No! Please don't follow that advice. With all due respect, it's a terrible idea. That isolates her and will prolong the relationship indefinitely as now she has financial problems in addition to relationship problems. Please, please, please don't tell your parents to cut her off. Years of her life hang in the balance.
posted by alternateuniverse at 2:16 AM on November 25, 2010 [10 favorites]
No! Please don't follow that advice. With all due respect, it's a terrible idea. That isolates her and will prolong the relationship indefinitely as now she has financial problems in addition to relationship problems. Please, please, please don't tell your parents to cut her off. Years of her life hang in the balance.
posted by alternateuniverse at 2:16 AM on November 25, 2010 [10 favorites]
I also disagree that your parents should cut her off. A worse thing than being in a relationship with this guy would be being financially dependent on this guy for basic survival. While I do think that a 19-year-old can make it on her own, it does not seem like a good time for your sister to do so.
I would take the time this holiday to talk to you sister, be enthusiastic about her interests, ask questions, and DON'T NAG. The thing that would change the mood the fastest is your disapproval in the love of your life. I am sure she is expecting this and will be defensive, not receptive. By placing yourself as a positive, happy, loving sister you are setting yourself up in the future to be the one she turns to when things are rough, instead of one of the things she is rebelling against.
posted by amicamentis at 4:56 AM on November 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would take the time this holiday to talk to you sister, be enthusiastic about her interests, ask questions, and DON'T NAG. The thing that would change the mood the fastest is your disapproval in the love of your life. I am sure she is expecting this and will be defensive, not receptive. By placing yourself as a positive, happy, loving sister you are setting yourself up in the future to be the one she turns to when things are rough, instead of one of the things she is rebelling against.
posted by amicamentis at 4:56 AM on November 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's important that your sister has somebody to talk to who seems neutral about the boyfriend. At some point this guy will try to make her think that she's crazy and it's really important that she has a reality check on hand when that happens. Make sure she knows that she always has somewhere safe to go and somebody to talk to about her relationship.
I agree that asking your parents to cut her off would be an awful idea.
posted by teraspawn at 5:19 AM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree that asking your parents to cut her off would be an awful idea.
posted by teraspawn at 5:19 AM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing what everyone has said about keeping calm at dinner.
And also Nthing the responses that suggest reading up on domestic violence/intimate partner violence resources. It may be hard to see your sister in that way (someone who has a named "social problem") but as several of us here have mentioned, that is exactly the kind of situation it is.
There are lots of pages like this from different DV organizations.
It sounds like you may have a long haul of being supportive in front of you. Be sure to take care of yourself and remember you are doing an amazing thing here, even if it's just being there to listen.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:16 AM on November 25, 2010
And also Nthing the responses that suggest reading up on domestic violence/intimate partner violence resources. It may be hard to see your sister in that way (someone who has a named "social problem") but as several of us here have mentioned, that is exactly the kind of situation it is.
There are lots of pages like this from different DV organizations.
It sounds like you may have a long haul of being supportive in front of you. Be sure to take care of yourself and remember you are doing an amazing thing here, even if it's just being there to listen.
posted by pantarei70 at 7:16 AM on November 25, 2010
I don't disagree with the bulk of the advice here if the goal is to be supportive and not consider your own needs and safety but there is need for consideration for the fine line between being supportive and being enabling. And keeping yourself safe is important. You have a right to do the tough love approach and since we're not fortune tellers, cutting the sister's finances off lovingly and with a very, very open door may end up being the best choice either now or in the future.
Sharing living space with this situation does not sound productive. Plus you have a conflict with your sister that does not concern the man: you planned a family Thanksgiving. You were looking forward to time with just her. That's worth addressing.
posted by Skwirl at 7:27 AM on November 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sharing living space with this situation does not sound productive. Plus you have a conflict with your sister that does not concern the man: you planned a family Thanksgiving. You were looking forward to time with just her. That's worth addressing.
posted by Skwirl at 7:27 AM on November 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think it's better for you to try to appear to remain neutral about the boyfriend and let her know that you're there to be supportive of her if/when she needs it. She needs to have at least one person in the family she feels like she can turn to if shit starts getting bad without having to endure a bunch of "I told you so's." Otherwise she may delay seeking help.
Since she's already in conflict with your parents over this, get them to give her the police report, etc., and let them know that you're staying out of it for now because you want her to feel comfortable calling you later if the shit hits the fan.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:28 AM on November 25, 2010
Since she's already in conflict with your parents over this, get them to give her the police report, etc., and let them know that you're staying out of it for now because you want her to feel comfortable calling you later if the shit hits the fan.
posted by Jacqueline at 7:28 AM on November 25, 2010
Best answer: With (3) and (4), this post from another AskMe is the best advice:
When I was the person in a bad relationship (though nothing like the level you describe) and all my friends were concerned about me, here is some of what helped:
* express concern for her and draw attention to what she's going through ("Wow, that must be hard." "You seem really stressed out.")
* help her remember ("This sounds like the fight you had last weekend.")
* let her know that what is going on is out of the norm ("Wow, he really must want to have you around. I go out with the girls once a week!")
* help her judge her risk ("Do you think he'd hit you?")
* reassure her it's not her fault and she doesn't deserve it ("Oh, even if you were late, nobody deserves that." "He said it was your fault he was hungry? Why didn't he just make a sandwich himself?")
* support her sense of independence and self-worth in any way you can. ("You'll make the right decision." "Oh, everybody has the right to change their mind!" "Oh, no, you're very smart, remember when you won the spelling bee?")
* and maybe, at some point, draw some attention to the choices she's making, but in a nonjudgmental way ("You really have more patience than I do. If Bob talked to me that way, I'd probably walk right out.")
Throughout this, your number one priority should be to keep the door open with her. Change will be a long, long process, if it happens at all. But at some point, she may really need you. All of the following might go without saying, given how kind and understanding your post sounded, but to state the obvious: don't put pressure on her to "do something about this now." Try not to make yourself a threat to the relationship, or you'll get closed out in the times when she capitulates to his insecurity or trying to prove her loyalty. Even expressing bad thoughts about the guy could make her back away from you during the times when she's trying to make things work with him. Just make it clear that you'll always be there for her if she ever needs any help, and consistently communicate that your only concern is for her wellbeing.
And, as much as possible, try to remain non-judgmental: maybe she's in this relationship to learn to fight back or to make it so bad she has to change, who knows? I don't think you could "kidnap" her out of this dangerous situation, since she's choosing to be there and will probably just return to it. Watching women be abused is a really hard thing.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
When I was the person in a bad relationship (though nothing like the level you describe) and all my friends were concerned about me, here is some of what helped:
* express concern for her and draw attention to what she's going through ("Wow, that must be hard." "You seem really stressed out.")
* help her remember ("This sounds like the fight you had last weekend.")
* let her know that what is going on is out of the norm ("Wow, he really must want to have you around. I go out with the girls once a week!")
* help her judge her risk ("Do you think he'd hit you?")
* reassure her it's not her fault and she doesn't deserve it ("Oh, even if you were late, nobody deserves that." "He said it was your fault he was hungry? Why didn't he just make a sandwich himself?")
* support her sense of independence and self-worth in any way you can. ("You'll make the right decision." "Oh, everybody has the right to change their mind!" "Oh, no, you're very smart, remember when you won the spelling bee?")
* and maybe, at some point, draw some attention to the choices she's making, but in a nonjudgmental way ("You really have more patience than I do. If Bob talked to me that way, I'd probably walk right out.")
Throughout this, your number one priority should be to keep the door open with her. Change will be a long, long process, if it happens at all. But at some point, she may really need you. All of the following might go without saying, given how kind and understanding your post sounded, but to state the obvious: don't put pressure on her to "do something about this now." Try not to make yourself a threat to the relationship, or you'll get closed out in the times when she capitulates to his insecurity or trying to prove her loyalty. Even expressing bad thoughts about the guy could make her back away from you during the times when she's trying to make things work with him. Just make it clear that you'll always be there for her if she ever needs any help, and consistently communicate that your only concern is for her wellbeing.
And, as much as possible, try to remain non-judgmental: maybe she's in this relationship to learn to fight back or to make it so bad she has to change, who knows? I don't think you could "kidnap" her out of this dangerous situation, since she's choosing to be there and will probably just return to it. Watching women be abused is a really hard thing.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all of your advice. I didn't do anything provocative at Thanksgiving, and will continue with my current course of action of being available to her and trying to avoid being judgmental, as I really don't want to drive her away. I'll also show this thread to my parents.
posted by Logic Sheep at 1:31 PM on November 26, 2010
posted by Logic Sheep at 1:31 PM on November 26, 2010
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I don't really have any advice, as this sounds like a very difficult situation, but I did want to address what you said here. From what you've said, it's likely that the guy is dangerous, so do not provoke him, especially not at a family gathering. You can't make your sister's decisions for her, and it sounds as though nothing anyone does will convince her that he's a loser.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:12 PM on November 24, 2010 [2 favorites]