"Mom, Dad, I'm... an atheist"
November 24, 2010 6:29 AM Subscribe
Looking for personal stories from those who had to 'come out' as no longer sharing the religious beliefs of their loved ones - especially when there's a significant other involved.
Have you ever been through what I would call a religious 'coming out'? That is, telling your parents/loved ones that you don't believe in the same things they believe any more?
Or have you ever had to tell your family about a significant other whom they would not approve of due to religious or strong cultural differences?
If yes, how did you approach it, what were you feeling, how did it go? What's the relationship between you and your family today?
I'm a woman who was raised Muslim, but doesn't believe anymore. I've been too afraid to tell my parents, but I think something has to be said soon enough, and they need to finally meet the wonderful white non-Muslim boyfriend I'm planning to marry someday.
I'm not looking for advice pertaining to my particular situation - my therapist is helping a lot with that already. But I would love to hear your personal stories and experiences.
Throwaway email for anything you're not comfortable making public: thrownfarfaraway@googlemail.com
Have you ever been through what I would call a religious 'coming out'? That is, telling your parents/loved ones that you don't believe in the same things they believe any more?
Or have you ever had to tell your family about a significant other whom they would not approve of due to religious or strong cultural differences?
If yes, how did you approach it, what were you feeling, how did it go? What's the relationship between you and your family today?
I'm a woman who was raised Muslim, but doesn't believe anymore. I've been too afraid to tell my parents, but I think something has to be said soon enough, and they need to finally meet the wonderful white non-Muslim boyfriend I'm planning to marry someday.
I'm not looking for advice pertaining to my particular situation - my therapist is helping a lot with that already. But I would love to hear your personal stories and experiences.
Throwaway email for anything you're not comfortable making public: thrownfarfaraway@googlemail.com
I think this is going to depend pretty heavily on the particular brand of Islam to which your parents subscribe, maybe even down to the specifics of their experienced tradition.
A lot of American Muslim parents would probably treat this in the same way that Protestant Christian American parents would: they'd be sad and upset, but it probably wouldn't devolve into a throw-down fight or an end to the relationship.
Then again, if they're more orthodox/conservative, they might react like more Fundamentalist Protestant or ultra-orthodox Catholic parents would: denial, disowning, the whole nine yards.
On the other hand, if they're more liberal, they could react like some liberal Christian parents: "Hey, whatever, glad you found something that works for you."
Of course, if they're really conservative, honor killings do happen.
This is also going to depend somewhat on your relationship with your parents. If the relationship is warm and supportive, you can probably expect that to be present here, even if only to mitigate the severity of the response. If you're already at odds with them over other things, well, fuel to the fire.
In short, this could go down any number of different ways, and we don't have enough information to give even analogous advice. This probably isn't a question which is all that good for AskMe: you need to talk to people whom you trust that know both you and your parents, not random strangers on the internet.
posted by valkyryn at 7:13 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
A lot of American Muslim parents would probably treat this in the same way that Protestant Christian American parents would: they'd be sad and upset, but it probably wouldn't devolve into a throw-down fight or an end to the relationship.
Then again, if they're more orthodox/conservative, they might react like more Fundamentalist Protestant or ultra-orthodox Catholic parents would: denial, disowning, the whole nine yards.
On the other hand, if they're more liberal, they could react like some liberal Christian parents: "Hey, whatever, glad you found something that works for you."
Of course, if they're really conservative, honor killings do happen.
This is also going to depend somewhat on your relationship with your parents. If the relationship is warm and supportive, you can probably expect that to be present here, even if only to mitigate the severity of the response. If you're already at odds with them over other things, well, fuel to the fire.
In short, this could go down any number of different ways, and we don't have enough information to give even analogous advice. This probably isn't a question which is all that good for AskMe: you need to talk to people whom you trust that know both you and your parents, not random strangers on the internet.
posted by valkyryn at 7:13 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I tried to emphasize to my devout Evangelical Christian parents how much thought I'd put into my decision to leave their church. I made sure they understood that I wasn't just trying to rebel, or get out of following their religion's rules. I also avoided the term atheist. At least in my church growing up, "atheist" didn't just mean someone who didn't believe in God, it meant someone who aggressively, defiantly defined herself by her rejection of religious belief. It would have been a distraction in the conversation. Instead of saying, "I'm an atheist," I said things like, "Christianity isn't working for me right now. I don't know if it will ever work for me. For now, I'm going to let it go." This worked for me--they asked a couple questions but respected my choice and never hassle me about it at all. But then, my parents respect my right to make my own adult decisions. I know some people who grew up with a similar background to mine whose parents didn't respect their choice to leave the church.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:14 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:14 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was raised in a skeptic/humanist environment on my dad's side, and a woo-curious environment on my mom's side. When I decided to formally join the LDS church, my dad took it as a sign of personal betrayal, a sign my mother was brainwashing me, and a sign of mental illness. I spent the years between nine and twenty-five going out of my way to avoid bringing it up. Luckily now I'm older and live far away and have a job in his industry, so there's less avoiding to do. Our relationship is distant for lots of reasons, but this is what made us seem like strangers, I think.
(We like each other a lot, actually. In my late teens he started to refrain from being rude to missionaries for my sake, and after ten years or so, stopped getting the wounded puppy look whenever church came up. But we don't live in the same world in a lot of ways.)
posted by SMPA at 7:50 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
(We like each other a lot, actually. In my late teens he started to refrain from being rude to missionaries for my sake, and after ten years or so, stopped getting the wounded puppy look whenever church came up. But we don't live in the same world in a lot of ways.)
posted by SMPA at 7:50 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I started dating my of-Iranian-descent-but-raised-atheist-and-completely-non-religious boyfriend, my grandma was...well, let's just say extremely concerned about his Muslim fundamentalist roots and how that would affect me. I figured being a non-believer in anything would be better than being a Muslim in her eyes, so I explained that to her. And then (well, she didn't really believe me, but whatever) she was concerned that I was with an atheist and what would that mean for me and my Christian values. Um, yeah, awkward. I couldn't come right out and tell her I'm an atheist because that would kill her, so I merely explained that it didn't bother me.
She's barely spoken to me in over a year.
posted by phunniemee at 8:00 AM on November 24, 2010
She's barely spoken to me in over a year.
posted by phunniemee at 8:00 AM on November 24, 2010
I haven't been a practicing Muslim since about 2006 or so, and haven't personally identified with it since around 2001 or 2002. To give you an idea of my background, I'm American. My dad, an Egyptian Muslim, moved here in the late '70s and married my mom, a non-practicing Catholic. My dad is a strict Muslim, I guess. I mean, he's not all Wahhabi about it, but in my experience there is no such thing as a casual or liberal Muslim. You kinda either are or you aren't a Muslim. So anyway, my dad wasn't around much as a kid, and left my siblings and I to be raised by my mom, a non-religious white woman, and yet my dad fully expects us to be faithful Muslims. It's been... frustrating.
The closest I ever got to a "coming out" conversation was a heated argument between my dad and I when I was 22. He brought up the fact that I never pray as some type of guilt trip against me. In response, I attempted to explain that I am not a Muslim not out of laziness, but because I don't agree with monotheism as a world view, and I refuse to fake it to keep up appearances with my dad's friends and our extended family. Unfortunately, in the heat of the argument it didn't really come out as calmly or as measured as I'd have liked it, in retrospect. If you're trying to establish your agency as an adult who gets to make her own choices about her belief system, heh, don't do what I did.
I never really followed up on that, but since then my dad has stopped pressuring me to pray as much. I haven't been open about my lack of faith around him, because I feel it's disrespectful, and he's done a lot for me. However, he knows I know where the mosque he prays at and I think my complete absence there speaks volumes. When he brings it up (couple times a year maybe) I don't respond.
In the end, I think you've got a harder row to hoe than American ex-Christians do in this situation. Again, it's only my experience, and I have never had to deal with equivalent family peer pressure of the Christian variety, but I get the feeling that it's even harder for Muslims to tolerate someone who strays from the faith than it is for Christians. Here in the US, public life is generally secular, and the idea of a person not practicing a religion is something people do every day. It's not a bizarre foreign concept, like it is "back home" in Muslim countries.
What should you do? I don't know. In my case, this awkward status quo is close enough for now. If it becomes an issue later (say, when I start having kids) I plan to be more assertive about it. Your case is probably different. If you're ready to deal with this issue now, then you should have the coming out conversation. Keep it simple and don't get dragged into a big discussion. Be calm, rational, and polite, but be assertive and say what's on your mind. After that point, when the topic comes up, find a sentence to say like "I'm not going to discuss this anymore," or "I've said what I wanted to say about this," and stick to it. Your parents will probably never accept your belief system, so you have to be assertive about the fact that it's not their decision what you believe in, and that it's not up for discussion.
Good luck!
posted by malapropist at 8:26 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
The closest I ever got to a "coming out" conversation was a heated argument between my dad and I when I was 22. He brought up the fact that I never pray as some type of guilt trip against me. In response, I attempted to explain that I am not a Muslim not out of laziness, but because I don't agree with monotheism as a world view, and I refuse to fake it to keep up appearances with my dad's friends and our extended family. Unfortunately, in the heat of the argument it didn't really come out as calmly or as measured as I'd have liked it, in retrospect. If you're trying to establish your agency as an adult who gets to make her own choices about her belief system, heh, don't do what I did.
I never really followed up on that, but since then my dad has stopped pressuring me to pray as much. I haven't been open about my lack of faith around him, because I feel it's disrespectful, and he's done a lot for me. However, he knows I know where the mosque he prays at and I think my complete absence there speaks volumes. When he brings it up (couple times a year maybe) I don't respond.
In the end, I think you've got a harder row to hoe than American ex-Christians do in this situation. Again, it's only my experience, and I have never had to deal with equivalent family peer pressure of the Christian variety, but I get the feeling that it's even harder for Muslims to tolerate someone who strays from the faith than it is for Christians. Here in the US, public life is generally secular, and the idea of a person not practicing a religion is something people do every day. It's not a bizarre foreign concept, like it is "back home" in Muslim countries.
What should you do? I don't know. In my case, this awkward status quo is close enough for now. If it becomes an issue later (say, when I start having kids) I plan to be more assertive about it. Your case is probably different. If you're ready to deal with this issue now, then you should have the coming out conversation. Keep it simple and don't get dragged into a big discussion. Be calm, rational, and polite, but be assertive and say what's on your mind. After that point, when the topic comes up, find a sentence to say like "I'm not going to discuss this anymore," or "I've said what I wanted to say about this," and stick to it. Your parents will probably never accept your belief system, so you have to be assertive about the fact that it's not their decision what you believe in, and that it's not up for discussion.
Good luck!
posted by malapropist at 8:26 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
It was really hard 'coming out' for me. My foaming-at-the-mouth rabid Roman Catholic family were vengeful - they didn't sign my government subsidy forms which meant I didn't have money when I did my degree. They took away my sister's car once she was discovered to not be attending church. Other family members set up novenas/prayers etc. Even, I discovered years later, I was characterised as a drug addict who had 'gone off the rails.'
But this paled in comparison when I started going out with a boy whose parents were Jehovah's Witnesses. Like me, he had stopped attending meetings and our fundamentalist childhoods were a point of connection for the relationship. He was a lovely boy but my parents staged an 'intervention' - people this deep in religion think of leaving the church as one thing that might be remedied, but see all other fundamentalist religions as cults. Dangerous and stealthy. They believed I was brainwashed. They told me that if I continued to see him I would be disowned. [I continued to see him for a few years anyway.] As with Meg_Murry, I tried to show that I wasn't rebelling or just being lazy about rules. I did a number of units in Theology as part of my degree and I endlessly questioned religion. Ultimately this personal struggle was irrelevant to my family as I think it's actually more important to obsessive religionists to have a semblance of family control rather than foster an individual's spiritual relationship with a god/nature/self etc. The secular trend towards increasing individualism is a total anathema to organised, especially patriarchal, religions. It is also deeply ingrained that no matter how you feel personally, you 'go along' with the charade for the sake of I dunno, family honour and custom. Ironically, who cares what becomes of your soul as long as you fake it in this type of situation.
The major proponents are dead now, as this all happened 20 years ago, but my dad was here only a few months ago still going on about it [as part of a larger package deal of judgment, sigh] and I finally declared that his religious exercise has been a misuse of his time and energy if he thinks his enactments of it construct him as a meaningful, spiritual entity. It is the only time that I have formally declared a position in such a critical manner. I tried reason and/or avoidance for two decades to no avail. I think that his deep attachment to the religion rather that to his daughter is psychologically very damaging. Be prepared for this.
The abandonment thing goes both ways and I felt abandoned when I made my first stand, because I was judged by more than just my family for not following along. Your family might be loving and wise in this affair, like Meg_Murry's, and accept your adult decisions. In hardcore religious families, this often isn't the case. I wish sometimes that there was a recovery group for people who have to 'come out' in religious homes.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:40 AM on November 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
But this paled in comparison when I started going out with a boy whose parents were Jehovah's Witnesses. Like me, he had stopped attending meetings and our fundamentalist childhoods were a point of connection for the relationship. He was a lovely boy but my parents staged an 'intervention' - people this deep in religion think of leaving the church as one thing that might be remedied, but see all other fundamentalist religions as cults. Dangerous and stealthy. They believed I was brainwashed. They told me that if I continued to see him I would be disowned. [I continued to see him for a few years anyway.] As with Meg_Murry, I tried to show that I wasn't rebelling or just being lazy about rules. I did a number of units in Theology as part of my degree and I endlessly questioned religion. Ultimately this personal struggle was irrelevant to my family as I think it's actually more important to obsessive religionists to have a semblance of family control rather than foster an individual's spiritual relationship with a god/nature/self etc. The secular trend towards increasing individualism is a total anathema to organised, especially patriarchal, religions. It is also deeply ingrained that no matter how you feel personally, you 'go along' with the charade for the sake of I dunno, family honour and custom. Ironically, who cares what becomes of your soul as long as you fake it in this type of situation.
The major proponents are dead now, as this all happened 20 years ago, but my dad was here only a few months ago still going on about it [as part of a larger package deal of judgment, sigh] and I finally declared that his religious exercise has been a misuse of his time and energy if he thinks his enactments of it construct him as a meaningful, spiritual entity. It is the only time that I have formally declared a position in such a critical manner. I tried reason and/or avoidance for two decades to no avail. I think that his deep attachment to the religion rather that to his daughter is psychologically very damaging. Be prepared for this.
The abandonment thing goes both ways and I felt abandoned when I made my first stand, because I was judged by more than just my family for not following along. Your family might be loving and wise in this affair, like Meg_Murry's, and accept your adult decisions. In hardcore religious families, this often isn't the case. I wish sometimes that there was a recovery group for people who have to 'come out' in religious homes.
posted by honey-barbara at 8:40 AM on November 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I grew up in a Mennonite family that spent a lot of time in church and doing church related/bible related things. I had my "ah-ha!" moment when I was 14, on a bus, heading to the World Mennonite Youth Conference (thanks timing!). Nevertheless, I spoke my mind, soon and often, about what I could no longer agree with them on.
It's 20 years later now, my relationship with my parents is good but they still feel they failed me, they let me stray too easily away from the church, that I am lucky I was in the church long enough to have good morals instilled in me before I left. And, whenever I have faced troubles in my life they have suggested, each time, that I would find my way easier if I had not rejected god.
For me, coming out was a must-do thing, it could have gone better but it certainly could have gone worse.
posted by Cosine at 8:58 AM on November 24, 2010
It's 20 years later now, my relationship with my parents is good but they still feel they failed me, they let me stray too easily away from the church, that I am lucky I was in the church long enough to have good morals instilled in me before I left. And, whenever I have faced troubles in my life they have suggested, each time, that I would find my way easier if I had not rejected god.
For me, coming out was a must-do thing, it could have gone better but it certainly could have gone worse.
posted by Cosine at 8:58 AM on November 24, 2010
From a different corner: are there some ways you can still connect with them on the religion issue?
I'm not suggesting that you compromise your beliefs, and for a while after you announce this I imagine that your parents might view any compromise as a hint that you might come back and see the "error" of your ways. There will almost certainly be a grieving process for them.
That was the hardest thing for me to reconcile -- that of COURSE my great-grandma sent me a card "from Jesus" asking why I didn't invite him to his own birthday party last December, because she literally believed that being with Jesus was the best thing anybody could have. And she loved me and wanted the best for me; ergo, she wanted me to be with Jesus.
My ex-Catholic ex-husband didn't go in the church for family funerals. That's pretty extreme. I could see not taking communion, but at events like funerals, the point is to do things out of respect for the other people, not out of your own desires.
So I hope that once things settle down for you, you and your partner will find ways to connect with your family on religion, even if you don't practice it. I don't know if there's a middle ground in their religious tradition -- as malapropist said above, there may not be such a thing as a liberal or casual Muslim, and perhaps accompanying them to certain things, for example, would be seen as disrespectful if done by a nonbeliever. But their heritage is your heritage, and it's important to them, and it helped make you who you are. It's like taking citizenship in another country -- you'll still probably have an accent, you know?
This is not to get into the "she's the only mom you've got" fooferaw from these threads, but if you are able to find any bits of common ground while maintaining some careful boundaries, I would strongly advise you to do so. Take anything you can get.
When my great-grandma died, I knew -- completely separately from anything that I believed -- that she got exactly what she wanted. She knew she would be with Jesus, so she died with a happy heart. Even though her beliefs clashed with mine in some ways, I could respect her ability to find peace in them. We agreed on the fundamental belief that we loved each other, and that's what motivated us to do the things we did.
I'm not trying to be simplistic, but... start there.
posted by Madamina at 9:00 AM on November 24, 2010
I'm not suggesting that you compromise your beliefs, and for a while after you announce this I imagine that your parents might view any compromise as a hint that you might come back and see the "error" of your ways. There will almost certainly be a grieving process for them.
That was the hardest thing for me to reconcile -- that of COURSE my great-grandma sent me a card "from Jesus" asking why I didn't invite him to his own birthday party last December, because she literally believed that being with Jesus was the best thing anybody could have. And she loved me and wanted the best for me; ergo, she wanted me to be with Jesus.
My ex-Catholic ex-husband didn't go in the church for family funerals. That's pretty extreme. I could see not taking communion, but at events like funerals, the point is to do things out of respect for the other people, not out of your own desires.
So I hope that once things settle down for you, you and your partner will find ways to connect with your family on religion, even if you don't practice it. I don't know if there's a middle ground in their religious tradition -- as malapropist said above, there may not be such a thing as a liberal or casual Muslim, and perhaps accompanying them to certain things, for example, would be seen as disrespectful if done by a nonbeliever. But their heritage is your heritage, and it's important to them, and it helped make you who you are. It's like taking citizenship in another country -- you'll still probably have an accent, you know?
This is not to get into the "she's the only mom you've got" fooferaw from these threads, but if you are able to find any bits of common ground while maintaining some careful boundaries, I would strongly advise you to do so. Take anything you can get.
When my great-grandma died, I knew -- completely separately from anything that I believed -- that she got exactly what she wanted. She knew she would be with Jesus, so she died with a happy heart. Even though her beliefs clashed with mine in some ways, I could respect her ability to find peace in them. We agreed on the fundamental belief that we loved each other, and that's what motivated us to do the things we did.
I'm not trying to be simplistic, but... start there.
posted by Madamina at 9:00 AM on November 24, 2010
I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home, although it wasn't extreme fundamentalist (i.e., we played cards, my mother loves to dance, my dad likes his occasional hot toddy or glass of wine though my mother frowns on it).
I attended church, sunday school and a Christian grade school, and it embarrasses me to think how indoctrinated I was at 14 or so, but realistically I didn't have much chance to be otherwise. I went through a long process of shedding the beliefs I'd acquired and didn't finally come to the belief that there almost certainly isn't an intelligent higher power until I was nearly 30. I don't attend church anymore, haven't for many years.
Most of my large family has kept the faith. They are active in their church, doing a lot of organizational work for it and attending lots of church social events, and when they get together they tend to talk a lot about church activities and people I don't know, and it does make me feel left out of the conversation at get togethers. I have my moments of total and profound alienation when it comes up in conversation that they sincerely believe in the existence of Adam and Eve and scoff at evolution and global warming and say Bush II was a great president, and occasionally I think, "Who the hell are you people and how did I wind up related to you?" I find, not only with my family but with some of my long-time friends from school who are Christian, that it's a really uncomfortable feeling at times to be around people who have that nicey-nice demeanour, which always feels so artificial and limiting to me. I feel like I can't be myself (this self being a rather edgy, angry, ribald, profane self). It isn't this way with everyone, of course. One of my closest friends is a Mennonite and I'm very much at home with her though we don't see eye to eye on a lot things. I consider her a freethinker with a conservative bias.
But there's no real open conflict. I've never told them I am all but an atheist now. I haven't found it to be a practical necessity. I make an effort to sanitize my conversation around them, and avoid being ribald or swearing — though I suppose practically everyone does that around their family. In conversation I sometimes offer factual or logical rebuttals to something someone has said, but don't really pursue anything to the point of argument. I don't attack anyone's beliefs or make comments about religion being a fairy tale, because I remember from my own true believer days how hurtful that can be. I have gotten less avoidant, though. When asked to go to church, I used to say that I hadn't brought home a nice outfit to wear, and now I say I don't want to go, and they've mostly accepted that.
My dad does sometimes make a maddening effort to manipulate me into going by saying he's going to tell my nieces and nephews that "I don't want to see them" or by getting them to ask me to go to church, but I generally just ignore him and nicely tell the kids that I don't care to go but will see them later. He's an exception though — no one else criticizes me for not going or asks me to go anymore although I can feel the disapproval.
Generally I try to concentrate on what we do have in common and talk to my family about those things. They are kind and generous people in general. And I am often impressed by the liberality and open mindedness some members of my family do show. My mother is WAY more liberal now than I remember her being when I was little. She believes that homosexuality is inborn and not a choice, for instance, and it frustrates her no end that my father still has a reactionary viewpoint on gays. I am beyond impressed that my mother, at 72, with her conservative milieu, should be so ready to see the truth on this matter. I'm sure there are many secular people of that age who don't get it. The reminder that not all evangelical Christians think the same on every issue is a healthy one, I think.
If I ever get married, I'll be having a civil ceremony in a non-church venue. I don't suppose it will be a big problem. In general I don't see what I would gain by officially "coming out" to my family. I just am what I am and think the way I think, and if they wanted to talk about it I would, but otherwise... I go with the flow.
posted by orange swan at 9:01 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I attended church, sunday school and a Christian grade school, and it embarrasses me to think how indoctrinated I was at 14 or so, but realistically I didn't have much chance to be otherwise. I went through a long process of shedding the beliefs I'd acquired and didn't finally come to the belief that there almost certainly isn't an intelligent higher power until I was nearly 30. I don't attend church anymore, haven't for many years.
Most of my large family has kept the faith. They are active in their church, doing a lot of organizational work for it and attending lots of church social events, and when they get together they tend to talk a lot about church activities and people I don't know, and it does make me feel left out of the conversation at get togethers. I have my moments of total and profound alienation when it comes up in conversation that they sincerely believe in the existence of Adam and Eve and scoff at evolution and global warming and say Bush II was a great president, and occasionally I think, "Who the hell are you people and how did I wind up related to you?" I find, not only with my family but with some of my long-time friends from school who are Christian, that it's a really uncomfortable feeling at times to be around people who have that nicey-nice demeanour, which always feels so artificial and limiting to me. I feel like I can't be myself (this self being a rather edgy, angry, ribald, profane self). It isn't this way with everyone, of course. One of my closest friends is a Mennonite and I'm very much at home with her though we don't see eye to eye on a lot things. I consider her a freethinker with a conservative bias.
But there's no real open conflict. I've never told them I am all but an atheist now. I haven't found it to be a practical necessity. I make an effort to sanitize my conversation around them, and avoid being ribald or swearing — though I suppose practically everyone does that around their family. In conversation I sometimes offer factual or logical rebuttals to something someone has said, but don't really pursue anything to the point of argument. I don't attack anyone's beliefs or make comments about religion being a fairy tale, because I remember from my own true believer days how hurtful that can be. I have gotten less avoidant, though. When asked to go to church, I used to say that I hadn't brought home a nice outfit to wear, and now I say I don't want to go, and they've mostly accepted that.
My dad does sometimes make a maddening effort to manipulate me into going by saying he's going to tell my nieces and nephews that "I don't want to see them" or by getting them to ask me to go to church, but I generally just ignore him and nicely tell the kids that I don't care to go but will see them later. He's an exception though — no one else criticizes me for not going or asks me to go anymore although I can feel the disapproval.
Generally I try to concentrate on what we do have in common and talk to my family about those things. They are kind and generous people in general. And I am often impressed by the liberality and open mindedness some members of my family do show. My mother is WAY more liberal now than I remember her being when I was little. She believes that homosexuality is inborn and not a choice, for instance, and it frustrates her no end that my father still has a reactionary viewpoint on gays. I am beyond impressed that my mother, at 72, with her conservative milieu, should be so ready to see the truth on this matter. I'm sure there are many secular people of that age who don't get it. The reminder that not all evangelical Christians think the same on every issue is a healthy one, I think.
If I ever get married, I'll be having a civil ceremony in a non-church venue. I don't suppose it will be a big problem. In general I don't see what I would gain by officially "coming out" to my family. I just am what I am and think the way I think, and if they wanted to talk about it I would, but otherwise... I go with the flow.
posted by orange swan at 9:01 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My dad's side of the family are Dawkins-thumping secular humanists who think religion is the root of all evil and that anyone not strictly logical and empiricist isn't very "Bright." My mom is Protestant Christian, non-fundamentalist, moderate rather than liberal. They divorced over these differences.
I have always been interested in spirituality in general, and have at various times forayed into studies of paranormal phenomena, nature-reverent Paganism, Taoism, Buddhism, and the more liberal forms of Christianity (Episcopalian theology, Quakerism, Unitarianism). I think "agnostic seeker" is the only label I'm currently comfortable with. The search is a pretty important part of who I am.
All these interests came out in bits and pieces along the way in conversation, or when they noticed books I was reading. I got contempt from my dad and worry from my mom, but she also thinks it's good that I'm on a spiritual path and is willing to discuss her faith and my journey openly and without judgment.
I don't discuss my spiritual journey with my dad or anyone on his side of the family, as they are all too quick to trot out the "tooth fairy trope" Kalessin mentioned upthread, with plenty of eye-rolling and smugness.
I think as a Muslim, your family's reaction is going to be a lot more serious than my family's was. Have you thought about finding anyone else who comes from your faith tradition and has left it, for support?
posted by xenophile at 9:31 AM on November 24, 2010
I have always been interested in spirituality in general, and have at various times forayed into studies of paranormal phenomena, nature-reverent Paganism, Taoism, Buddhism, and the more liberal forms of Christianity (Episcopalian theology, Quakerism, Unitarianism). I think "agnostic seeker" is the only label I'm currently comfortable with. The search is a pretty important part of who I am.
All these interests came out in bits and pieces along the way in conversation, or when they noticed books I was reading. I got contempt from my dad and worry from my mom, but she also thinks it's good that I'm on a spiritual path and is willing to discuss her faith and my journey openly and without judgment.
I don't discuss my spiritual journey with my dad or anyone on his side of the family, as they are all too quick to trot out the "tooth fairy trope" Kalessin mentioned upthread, with plenty of eye-rolling and smugness.
I think as a Muslim, your family's reaction is going to be a lot more serious than my family's was. Have you thought about finding anyone else who comes from your faith tradition and has left it, for support?
posted by xenophile at 9:31 AM on November 24, 2010
I'm an atheist, but don't have a story. But, you might want to do a youtube search on "atheist experience". It's a cable access TV show out of Austin, TX, and every so often, someone will call in with a similar "coming out" situation, and the hosts discuss & offer advice. Might take some effort to find a proper clip.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 10:32 AM on November 24, 2010
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 10:32 AM on November 24, 2010
I've dealt with such a situation. You can see it by reading a ton of my posts on Ask MeFi. It's been a coming out in more than only a religious way. It's just too much to write here. But I'm not currently living with my immediate family for that reason.
posted by antgly at 10:43 AM on November 24, 2010
posted by antgly at 10:43 AM on November 24, 2010
It was sort of a gradual process for me. It began by going to church less, telling them I was in a period of questioning things. Then I began dating an atheist. When I told my family about my atheist boyfriend, they were not supportive.
I never explicitly said, "I do not believe in God anymore and I am abandoning the faith you raised me with." I showed them with my actions, and when they had questions, I answered them honestly. I had many tough conversations with them. But I stood firm and showed them that my boyfriend was an important part of my life. He wasn't going away and I wasn't going back to church.
After about a year and a half, I'd say they've finally become pretty accepting of him, as well as our lifestyle (though I know they would still prefer if we'd get married, go to church, etc).
Good luck to you!
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:43 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I never explicitly said, "I do not believe in God anymore and I am abandoning the faith you raised me with." I showed them with my actions, and when they had questions, I answered them honestly. I had many tough conversations with them. But I stood firm and showed them that my boyfriend was an important part of my life. He wasn't going away and I wasn't going back to church.
After about a year and a half, I'd say they've finally become pretty accepting of him, as well as our lifestyle (though I know they would still prefer if we'd get married, go to church, etc).
Good luck to you!
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:43 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
My parents are Orthodox Jews and raised me as one. In my early 20s, I told them that I no longer believed and wasn't going to observe any of the religious rules going forward. They were extremely, extremely disappointed. They tried to talk me out of it, they blamed themselves repeatedly, they told me all the things they wished they could have done differently (mostly sending me to even more religiously strict schools) but eventually they realized that I wasn't going to change my mind.
I have a pretty good relationship with them now -- we just don't really talk about religion.
posted by callmejay at 10:44 AM on November 24, 2010
I have a pretty good relationship with them now -- we just don't really talk about religion.
posted by callmejay at 10:44 AM on November 24, 2010
If yes, how did you approach it, what were you feeling, how did it go? What's the relationship between you and your family today?
I was raised hardcore, evangelical, mega church Christian. My entire family is still very devoted. We had birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas. True story.
I've always been philosophically inclined, so I asked lots of tough questions growing up - about problems in Christian doctrine and such. It was sort of a slow process. Late in high school was when I finally admitted to myself that I thought the whole religion thing was b.s.
I was pretty outspoken about it. I went off to college on the East Coast, made a lot of gay friends and the like, whom I defended vigilantly to my parents, argued with them over religion-based politics, I even got in a huge fight with our church Pastor of many years while we were visiting his house on Christmas. Basically, there were times I was a huge asshole about it. It wasn't pretty. Part of it was reactionary, as my parents were the opposite of understanding, to say the least.
Years later, things have smoothed over quite a bit. I've matured so I'm not so vitriolic about the whole thing at family gatherings. In fact, we just don't really talk about it all anymore - and actually my relationship with my family has never been better.
I know my parents still pray for me daily, which includes praying that I will return to the faith. This used to bother me, now it sort of makes me feel sort of touched and melancholy at the same time.
In my case, the trick really was time and distance, like any relationship, for things to heal after I really made a fuss over quitting Christianity.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2010
I was raised hardcore, evangelical, mega church Christian. My entire family is still very devoted. We had birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas. True story.
I've always been philosophically inclined, so I asked lots of tough questions growing up - about problems in Christian doctrine and such. It was sort of a slow process. Late in high school was when I finally admitted to myself that I thought the whole religion thing was b.s.
I was pretty outspoken about it. I went off to college on the East Coast, made a lot of gay friends and the like, whom I defended vigilantly to my parents, argued with them over religion-based politics, I even got in a huge fight with our church Pastor of many years while we were visiting his house on Christmas. Basically, there were times I was a huge asshole about it. It wasn't pretty. Part of it was reactionary, as my parents were the opposite of understanding, to say the least.
Years later, things have smoothed over quite a bit. I've matured so I'm not so vitriolic about the whole thing at family gatherings. In fact, we just don't really talk about it all anymore - and actually my relationship with my family has never been better.
I know my parents still pray for me daily, which includes praying that I will return to the faith. This used to bother me, now it sort of makes me feel sort of touched and melancholy at the same time.
In my case, the trick really was time and distance, like any relationship, for things to heal after I really made a fuss over quitting Christianity.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2010
I am also an atheist Jew who went what we call "off the derech (path)". There are a lot of OTD blogs. You may find that there are quite a few for the Muslim set as well. I don't know any to speak of, but you may find this particular OTD blog fascinating as it is all stories of different people leaving ortho-Judaism.
My parents, in particular, just don't talk about it. At all. If I get asked once a year if I still go to shul, I say no and they shut the hell up. I'm 39 years old BTW.
Good luck on your path.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2010
My parents, in particular, just don't talk about it. At all. If I get asked once a year if I still go to shul, I say no and they shut the hell up. I'm 39 years old BTW.
Good luck on your path.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:17 PM on November 24, 2010
I've gone through different phases intellectually but never managed to change how I feel in my guts about it. I could mentally convince myself of something, or rationalize given up my own judgment on issues that just felt out of my league, but I could never stop this horrible squirming feeling in my guts, this fundamental rejection.
It became a question of admitting it to myself that I had a basic orientation that meant I couldn't really believe. Telling other people was not a problem for me... it was mostly really coming to grips with it myself and being sure. It was too important a thing to me to just lie to myself about or ignore as an issue.
I really wouldn't be comfortable lying about it, either. I officially left instead of just lapsing. Like a good catholic I filled out the forms and ritually abandoned salvation (not all of it is about the content of belief... if there's such a thing as culturally Roman Catholic, I'm still that.).
posted by ServSci at 1:51 PM on November 24, 2010
It became a question of admitting it to myself that I had a basic orientation that meant I couldn't really believe. Telling other people was not a problem for me... it was mostly really coming to grips with it myself and being sure. It was too important a thing to me to just lie to myself about or ignore as an issue.
I really wouldn't be comfortable lying about it, either. I officially left instead of just lapsing. Like a good catholic I filled out the forms and ritually abandoned salvation (not all of it is about the content of belief... if there's such a thing as culturally Roman Catholic, I'm still that.).
posted by ServSci at 1:51 PM on November 24, 2010
I was raised Mormon and almost all of my family belongs to the church. I did everything that the church taught that a young woman should do, including dropping out of university because I found a "worthy" mormon man to marry in the temple.
After being married for a few years, I discovered the historical truth regarding the church and I left the church. The marriage fell apart shortly after that as well.
I "came out" to my parents as an ex-mormon in a letter. It did not go well, at least from my mother. I'd receive at least one email a day or a phone call, with her being hysterical about my eternal salvation and how could I do this to her and the family. My mother's health declined from the internal torment of me not being a part of their "eternal family." This continued for months until I cut off all contact, moved cities and changed phone numbers. They didn't know where I lived or hear from me for about 6 months.
I slowly reintroduced contact by writing letters and allowing them to write back. My mother finally got the hint that she needed to respect my boundaries if she wanted me in her life. We now talk on the phone every other weekend and I visit once every year or so. I still limit how much they know about my life out of fear of a relapse of the insanity when I first came out. I have boundaries in place that they must respect me enough to not try to force their religion on me, or else they don't get me in their lives.
To this day, my father hasn't talked to me about it. The only attempt he ever made to convince me is telling me a story about how he saw an angel once.
It definitely can be a terrible experience, but time definitely has a way of making things better. The quicker you come out, the quicker they'll come around some day in the future.
posted by Nerro at 1:53 PM on November 24, 2010
After being married for a few years, I discovered the historical truth regarding the church and I left the church. The marriage fell apart shortly after that as well.
I "came out" to my parents as an ex-mormon in a letter. It did not go well, at least from my mother. I'd receive at least one email a day or a phone call, with her being hysterical about my eternal salvation and how could I do this to her and the family. My mother's health declined from the internal torment of me not being a part of their "eternal family." This continued for months until I cut off all contact, moved cities and changed phone numbers. They didn't know where I lived or hear from me for about 6 months.
I slowly reintroduced contact by writing letters and allowing them to write back. My mother finally got the hint that she needed to respect my boundaries if she wanted me in her life. We now talk on the phone every other weekend and I visit once every year or so. I still limit how much they know about my life out of fear of a relapse of the insanity when I first came out. I have boundaries in place that they must respect me enough to not try to force their religion on me, or else they don't get me in their lives.
To this day, my father hasn't talked to me about it. The only attempt he ever made to convince me is telling me a story about how he saw an angel once.
It definitely can be a terrible experience, but time definitely has a way of making things better. The quicker you come out, the quicker they'll come around some day in the future.
posted by Nerro at 1:53 PM on November 24, 2010
I was raised as a Christian (Anglican) in 1960s/70s northern England. I believed it all at first, was a dutiful choirboy, church three times a week, four if there was a wedding. I suppose I was about eight when I started asking awkward questions - of my parents, my vicar and myself. I was increasingly unhappy with the answers I received. I became increasingly unhappy about attending church. I read a lot: the Bible, some Christian apologetics and some atheist philosophy. The atheist philosophy hit me like a slap to the face because not only was it raising many of the same questions I'd been troubled by, it was spelling out with beautiful, diamond-hard rigour why the Christian answers were just... well, rubbish.
I tried to broach the subject of my almost-lost faith with my parents first by saying I was having doubts, struggling with my faith etc. Their reaction was deep concern and the suggestion that I talk with the vicar. Clearly they told him what to expect because he seemed ready for my questions. But he couldn't answer them in a way that wasn't... well, rubbish.
At 14 I knew I was an atheist and could never, ever go back. The old voodoo had gone for all time. I faked it for a few months... compromised with my parents by attending the early morning short service rather than the full Eucharist, but the sense of hypocrisy (and increasing actual loathing of the religion) burned me up. So I came flat out with it one day and told them I wouldn't be going to church any more because I didn't believe. At all.
Well, it did not go down well. There were screaming rows. My mother informed me I was hell-bound. She insisted I had to go to church. I said "That would be dishonest. If God is there, he wouldn't approve of dishonesty, would he?" This, too, did not go down well. There was more raging, threats of lost privileges etc. I remained resolute. Then came the breast-beating and the "Where did we go wrong with you?" approach. I realised the Rubicon was crossed and I just had to weather the storm.
The worst of it lasted a few weeks. Numerous attempts were made to guilt-trip me into attending church but I wouldn't budge. There were some more rows. Finally they subsided, but continued to flare with decreasing frequency for several years. My mother (by far the staunchest Christian of my parents) continued to "discuss" religion with me for many years. Sometimes these discussions ended up in very heated exchanges because of her transparent desire to persuade me I was wrong and also because as the years passed my knowledge of (and distaste for) religion in general increased massively. I guess I was in my thirties before things really settled down and mum basically accepted my atheism. It probably helped that her own Christianity had been significantly weakened by then - partly because of the many discussions with me.
The only flare up since then was shortly after 9/11, when I was on a bloody tear against any and all religion and it caused her to push back with some of the old fervour. That got ugly - to the point where we didn't communicate for over a year. Now, we're okay.
Bottom line? It was hard to do, but it had to be done. It caused pain and passion and unpleasantness but I do not regret it one bit. For someone of my nature living such a huge lie would cause immeasurably more pain.
Good luck, and have strength.
posted by Decani at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2010
I tried to broach the subject of my almost-lost faith with my parents first by saying I was having doubts, struggling with my faith etc. Their reaction was deep concern and the suggestion that I talk with the vicar. Clearly they told him what to expect because he seemed ready for my questions. But he couldn't answer them in a way that wasn't... well, rubbish.
At 14 I knew I was an atheist and could never, ever go back. The old voodoo had gone for all time. I faked it for a few months... compromised with my parents by attending the early morning short service rather than the full Eucharist, but the sense of hypocrisy (and increasing actual loathing of the religion) burned me up. So I came flat out with it one day and told them I wouldn't be going to church any more because I didn't believe. At all.
Well, it did not go down well. There were screaming rows. My mother informed me I was hell-bound. She insisted I had to go to church. I said "That would be dishonest. If God is there, he wouldn't approve of dishonesty, would he?" This, too, did not go down well. There was more raging, threats of lost privileges etc. I remained resolute. Then came the breast-beating and the "Where did we go wrong with you?" approach. I realised the Rubicon was crossed and I just had to weather the storm.
The worst of it lasted a few weeks. Numerous attempts were made to guilt-trip me into attending church but I wouldn't budge. There were some more rows. Finally they subsided, but continued to flare with decreasing frequency for several years. My mother (by far the staunchest Christian of my parents) continued to "discuss" religion with me for many years. Sometimes these discussions ended up in very heated exchanges because of her transparent desire to persuade me I was wrong and also because as the years passed my knowledge of (and distaste for) religion in general increased massively. I guess I was in my thirties before things really settled down and mum basically accepted my atheism. It probably helped that her own Christianity had been significantly weakened by then - partly because of the many discussions with me.
The only flare up since then was shortly after 9/11, when I was on a bloody tear against any and all religion and it caused her to push back with some of the old fervour. That got ugly - to the point where we didn't communicate for over a year. Now, we're okay.
Bottom line? It was hard to do, but it had to be done. It caused pain and passion and unpleasantness but I do not regret it one bit. For someone of my nature living such a huge lie would cause immeasurably more pain.
Good luck, and have strength.
posted by Decani at 2:22 PM on November 24, 2010
Hopefully this comment will not be a deterrent to you as you build up to talking to your parents, but here goes:
I was raised Christian in a United Church of Christ church (Protestant). I always found my parents church's messages delivered in sermons and method of worshipping uninspired and droning, and to make the feeling of routine worse, my parents forced me to go every week. The only excuse for not going was serious illness. I know this because when I started to question my belief around age 13, I tried to use sickness as an excuse to stop going. But my parents were tough about it. It wasn't enough for my stomach to just "hurt" to get me off the hook. I had to be throwing up or pale or unable to move -- otherwise I was definitely going to be going to church.
At age 16 I told them, flat out, that I didn't think I believed in God. There were many fights. I was still forced to go to church or punished by a Sunday grounding ("if you can't go to church today, you can't go anywhere") for a few months. Finally, I decided that I'd take that as regular punishment if it meant I didn't have to keep participating in something I didn't believe in. My father decided he'd stay home with me on Sundays to make sure I didn't do anything fun and also, because (he said) he wanted to put responsibility for maintaining his faith and salvation in my hands. He would only go again to church if I went. I think it goes without saying that this guilt trip didn't work and my Sundays until I went away to college were all spent at home in my room avoiding my father.
In the ~10 years since, I've circled back from non-belief to belief. My belief started with my reading St. Julian of Norwich on a whim, was stoked by observation of the deep modest love shown to me by other members of my family, which I felt was close in feeling and spirit to what divine love must be like, and it was cemented by finding a pastor at a local Lutheran church whose sermons are equally ecstatic and rational. I've joined that church since and continue to supplement its teachings with regular readings of the Christian mystics and of the poet Mary Oliver. In this way, faith has become a very personal, very passionate, positive experience for me.
I have told my parents none of this except that I have joined a different church. I feel like my feelings are too overwhelming to talk about out loud and also, I feel that because my father tends to be rather mocking of any sincerity, I can't ever express sincere feelings to him. My mother came to see me confirmed and has been nothing but supportive. My father continues to say, somewhat derisively, "Oh, so you believe in God now?" and will badger me to tell him whether I do or not until he gets tired of doing so.
I find that when these issues exist, it's just better to avoid bringing up the subject all together. Whether I'm doing what they approve of or not. It's my life and I know where I am, and that is all that's needed.
posted by houndsoflove at 3:46 PM on November 24, 2010
I was raised Christian in a United Church of Christ church (Protestant). I always found my parents church's messages delivered in sermons and method of worshipping uninspired and droning, and to make the feeling of routine worse, my parents forced me to go every week. The only excuse for not going was serious illness. I know this because when I started to question my belief around age 13, I tried to use sickness as an excuse to stop going. But my parents were tough about it. It wasn't enough for my stomach to just "hurt" to get me off the hook. I had to be throwing up or pale or unable to move -- otherwise I was definitely going to be going to church.
At age 16 I told them, flat out, that I didn't think I believed in God. There were many fights. I was still forced to go to church or punished by a Sunday grounding ("if you can't go to church today, you can't go anywhere") for a few months. Finally, I decided that I'd take that as regular punishment if it meant I didn't have to keep participating in something I didn't believe in. My father decided he'd stay home with me on Sundays to make sure I didn't do anything fun and also, because (he said) he wanted to put responsibility for maintaining his faith and salvation in my hands. He would only go again to church if I went. I think it goes without saying that this guilt trip didn't work and my Sundays until I went away to college were all spent at home in my room avoiding my father.
In the ~10 years since, I've circled back from non-belief to belief. My belief started with my reading St. Julian of Norwich on a whim, was stoked by observation of the deep modest love shown to me by other members of my family, which I felt was close in feeling and spirit to what divine love must be like, and it was cemented by finding a pastor at a local Lutheran church whose sermons are equally ecstatic and rational. I've joined that church since and continue to supplement its teachings with regular readings of the Christian mystics and of the poet Mary Oliver. In this way, faith has become a very personal, very passionate, positive experience for me.
I have told my parents none of this except that I have joined a different church. I feel like my feelings are too overwhelming to talk about out loud and also, I feel that because my father tends to be rather mocking of any sincerity, I can't ever express sincere feelings to him. My mother came to see me confirmed and has been nothing but supportive. My father continues to say, somewhat derisively, "Oh, so you believe in God now?" and will badger me to tell him whether I do or not until he gets tired of doing so.
I find that when these issues exist, it's just better to avoid bringing up the subject all together. Whether I'm doing what they approve of or not. It's my life and I know where I am, and that is all that's needed.
posted by houndsoflove at 3:46 PM on November 24, 2010
Found a couple videos. And one other from a youtuber "FightingAtheist".
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 6:00 PM on November 24, 2010
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 6:00 PM on November 24, 2010
I'm a woman who was raised Muslim, but doesn't believe anymore. I've been too afraid to tell my parents, but I think something has to be said soon enough, and they need to finally meet the wonderful white non-Muslim boyfriend I'm planning to marry someday.
In my experience these are two very, VERY different conversations. I would work on them one at a time. Probably in order of what is the larger priority for you - if you plan to marry the boyfriend soon, maybe that's more urgent. If your family has a habit of breathing down your neck about religious stuff, you might want to start there.
One thing I'll say, as someone who grew up in a devout Christian household and is now an agnostic - I've never "come out" to my family about my beliefs. My immediate family knows I'm not currently a practicing Christian, and that I'm not religious and am somewhat uncomfortable with large religious displays in general. And as far as I'm concerned, that's all they need to know. They learned this through me being honest with them about my behavior, habits, and opinions on religious issues. I didn't need to announce anything.
posted by Sara C. at 8:57 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my experience these are two very, VERY different conversations. I would work on them one at a time. Probably in order of what is the larger priority for you - if you plan to marry the boyfriend soon, maybe that's more urgent. If your family has a habit of breathing down your neck about religious stuff, you might want to start there.
One thing I'll say, as someone who grew up in a devout Christian household and is now an agnostic - I've never "come out" to my family about my beliefs. My immediate family knows I'm not currently a practicing Christian, and that I'm not religious and am somewhat uncomfortable with large religious displays in general. And as far as I'm concerned, that's all they need to know. They learned this through me being honest with them about my behavior, habits, and opinions on religious issues. I didn't need to announce anything.
posted by Sara C. at 8:57 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I was raised Orthodox Jewish for the (later) majority of my childhood, and left it at around age 21 for what tends to be apatheism in my day to day life.
While my mother has been more or less accepting, something difficult that I've encountered is that she seemed to simply "forget" that I no longer follow the rules and have the beliefs that she does. I had to remind her over and over again, and I felt like I was breaking her heart each time, which was tough (she is accepting but it seems like she would prefer that I were religious). After a few years I brought this up with her, and it seemed like she actually did simply forget, that she wasn't consciously ignoring or disrespecting what I'd told her about my change in belief/observance, though it was hard for me to believe her. Your mileage may vary.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2010
While my mother has been more or less accepting, something difficult that I've encountered is that she seemed to simply "forget" that I no longer follow the rules and have the beliefs that she does. I had to remind her over and over again, and I felt like I was breaking her heart each time, which was tough (she is accepting but it seems like she would prefer that I were religious). After a few years I brought this up with her, and it seemed like she actually did simply forget, that she wasn't consciously ignoring or disrespecting what I'd told her about my change in belief/observance, though it was hard for me to believe her. Your mileage may vary.
posted by needs more cowbell at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
At first it was pure rebellion. I got piercings and tattoos and started drinking to make her "see" that I no longer believed. It only bred animosity.
When I got a little older, I actually sat down and had a talk with her. I had to school myself in this mindset: HER RULES DON'T APPLY TO ME. Once I wrapped around my head around that fact, it was easier for me to respect her and to talk to her about why I don't believe anymore and what turned me off of the church.
She still seems to not quite believe me or act like I'm just "in a phase." It's frustrating. But, since the rules don't apply to me, I don't hide anything anymore. It's now her job to deal with my decision and it is not my burden to force her to approve.
Today we get along OK. It annoys me when she suggests that I take my new boyfriend to her old church (why, why, why would I do that?). We mostly just try not to talk about religion, because I've made my boundaries clear that I will no longer be guilted. We've yet to have a conversation about my anger at being raised the way I was; some days it seems like an unnecessary conversation to have anyway.
Good luck.
posted by motsque at 6:51 AM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]