Thanksgiving Tug of War
November 23, 2010 11:00 AM Subscribe
Thanksgiving mess. Social circles colliding, no one wants to give an inch. All I want to do is enjoy the holiday with my partner, who's been living far away and is home for the weekend. How can I untangle this knot?
Here's the situation. My partner and I have been together for many years. He started grad school in another state this semester, and we see each other only once or twice a month. He's in town for the whole 5-day weekend coming up. The distance has been hard on us, and time together is precious.
We accepted an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner a month ago. They're close friends, and they even timed their event specifically to include us.
Partner has a couple of old friends (going back to high school) living in the city. He's an only child, they're the closest he has to family, but it's been a rocky year for them because the rigors of academia and the passage of time has caused Partner to drift from them a bit. They no longer have many interests in common, they don't talk all that often, and he attends most of their get-togethers out of obligation, because they heap lots of guilt on him when he doesn't. They're pretty much fed up with his absenteeism at this point and have been threatening to cut him off. He REALLY doesn't want this, but especially now that he lives somewhere else there's only so much he can do. He doesn't see why they can't just all roll with the changes each other's respective lives and adjust their expectations.
Anyhow they've all been trying to work it out. But then they heard he was planning to have Thanksgiving dinner with other people instead of them and they got really hurt. We tried to arrange so that they could come to our dinner with us, but they aren't having it. They're basically holding it over his head, saying that if he doesn't come over for theirs, he might as well not even bother calling again. They've made it into a big symbolic thing. Their dinner, for what it's worth, is all being planned at the last minute (at least compared to the other one we'd RSVP'd for).
I was hoping we could at least sort of stagger our plans and pull appearances at both, but the two dinners are scheduled for the exact same time. I refused to break the plans I made in advance, for all kinds of reasons (it would be rude; I don't want to spend all day marinating in the tension of the other dinner; I don't negotiate with terrorists). My partner decided he'd go to his friends' dinner and then come join me at the original one later in the evening.
So he wrote his friends and said he'd hang out with them from 3PM till about 7PM and then leave to go meet me and the others, and they are apparently NOT having this at all either. It seems to be all or nothing for them.
As for me, I'm really upset at the idea of not being together on Thanksgiving. I was upset even when I thought he would be coming to join me later, and I'm even more upset at the idea of just not seeing each other at all. It's been so long since we've gotten to do anything like a normal couple, and I've barely seen him at all since October, and I'm really frustrated that his friends didn't check in with me sooner to make plans if it was so important -- they know me, we hang out sometimes. I feel like we could have worked something out. But now they're basically forcing him to choose between them and me. At this point I don't think I would be able to go spend the day with them civilly even if I was willing to break my other plans. Which I really don't want to.
I have thought about contacting them directly and seeing if we can come to some sort of agreement, but Partner has urged me to stay out of it and let him handle it. He's miserable and stressed about it. I'm miserable and stressed about it, but I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. Nobody knows what to do. Should I just resign myself to being missing out on spending Thanksgiving with him? Or what??
Here's the situation. My partner and I have been together for many years. He started grad school in another state this semester, and we see each other only once or twice a month. He's in town for the whole 5-day weekend coming up. The distance has been hard on us, and time together is precious.
We accepted an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner a month ago. They're close friends, and they even timed their event specifically to include us.
Partner has a couple of old friends (going back to high school) living in the city. He's an only child, they're the closest he has to family, but it's been a rocky year for them because the rigors of academia and the passage of time has caused Partner to drift from them a bit. They no longer have many interests in common, they don't talk all that often, and he attends most of their get-togethers out of obligation, because they heap lots of guilt on him when he doesn't. They're pretty much fed up with his absenteeism at this point and have been threatening to cut him off. He REALLY doesn't want this, but especially now that he lives somewhere else there's only so much he can do. He doesn't see why they can't just all roll with the changes each other's respective lives and adjust their expectations.
Anyhow they've all been trying to work it out. But then they heard he was planning to have Thanksgiving dinner with other people instead of them and they got really hurt. We tried to arrange so that they could come to our dinner with us, but they aren't having it. They're basically holding it over his head, saying that if he doesn't come over for theirs, he might as well not even bother calling again. They've made it into a big symbolic thing. Their dinner, for what it's worth, is all being planned at the last minute (at least compared to the other one we'd RSVP'd for).
I was hoping we could at least sort of stagger our plans and pull appearances at both, but the two dinners are scheduled for the exact same time. I refused to break the plans I made in advance, for all kinds of reasons (it would be rude; I don't want to spend all day marinating in the tension of the other dinner; I don't negotiate with terrorists). My partner decided he'd go to his friends' dinner and then come join me at the original one later in the evening.
So he wrote his friends and said he'd hang out with them from 3PM till about 7PM and then leave to go meet me and the others, and they are apparently NOT having this at all either. It seems to be all or nothing for them.
As for me, I'm really upset at the idea of not being together on Thanksgiving. I was upset even when I thought he would be coming to join me later, and I'm even more upset at the idea of just not seeing each other at all. It's been so long since we've gotten to do anything like a normal couple, and I've barely seen him at all since October, and I'm really frustrated that his friends didn't check in with me sooner to make plans if it was so important -- they know me, we hang out sometimes. I feel like we could have worked something out. But now they're basically forcing him to choose between them and me. At this point I don't think I would be able to go spend the day with them civilly even if I was willing to break my other plans. Which I really don't want to.
I have thought about contacting them directly and seeing if we can come to some sort of agreement, but Partner has urged me to stay out of it and let him handle it. He's miserable and stressed about it. I'm miserable and stressed about it, but I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. Nobody knows what to do. Should I just resign myself to being missing out on spending Thanksgiving with him? Or what??
I'm not understanding why your partner is bowing to the pressure of an ultimatum. Friends don't make ultimatums of each other as silly as that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:04 AM on November 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 11:04 AM on November 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
They no longer have many interests in common, they don't talk all that often, and he attends most of their get-togethers out of obligation
Why is it a great loss if they 'cut him off', then?
they're the closest he has to family
You're the closest he has to family. He should tell them where to stick it and spend the time with you.
posted by corvine at 11:05 AM on November 23, 2010 [18 favorites]
Why is it a great loss if they 'cut him off', then?
they're the closest he has to family
You're the closest he has to family. He should tell them where to stick it and spend the time with you.
posted by corvine at 11:05 AM on November 23, 2010 [18 favorites]
If the worst thing that happens is he goes to spend the day with them, it is miserable, and then he fades from them altogether... think of this holiday without him as an investment in future happiness.
I don't see how their friendship can be OK after all the threats, even if your partner gives in this one last time.
The friends have sealed their own fate here. The bigger picture looks bad for them. Stay out of it.
posted by jbenben at 11:06 AM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't see how their friendship can be OK after all the threats, even if your partner gives in this one last time.
The friends have sealed their own fate here. The bigger picture looks bad for them. Stay out of it.
posted by jbenben at 11:06 AM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
What a mess. I have no advice, except this:
Stay out of it. He's already being forced to choose between them and something else, don't put him in the position where he has to choose between them and you even more. You will win, but nobody will be happy.
Unless things are entirely different from the way you describe them from your partner's perspective, his relationship with these people is doomed. Be supportive, be there, but be as removed from it as possible. Tell him why -- that you can't deal with people who are hurting him so much and acting so childish. But don't bring out the drama even more. It might be short-term painful for you (not getting to spend as much time with him as you like) but it will be long-term better for your relationship if you give him the space to figure this out for himself.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:09 AM on November 23, 2010 [24 favorites]
Stay out of it. He's already being forced to choose between them and something else, don't put him in the position where he has to choose between them and you even more. You will win, but nobody will be happy.
Unless things are entirely different from the way you describe them from your partner's perspective, his relationship with these people is doomed. Be supportive, be there, but be as removed from it as possible. Tell him why -- that you can't deal with people who are hurting him so much and acting so childish. But don't bring out the drama even more. It might be short-term painful for you (not getting to spend as much time with him as you like) but it will be long-term better for your relationship if you give him the space to figure this out for himself.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:09 AM on November 23, 2010 [24 favorites]
I was struggling with an answer, and then MCMikeNamara pretty much said it for me. What you need to focus on is what you can control, which is your feelings (to some degree) and (more importantly) your actions. Be as gracious and supportive as you can be, and you will enjoy the rest of the weekend more. Pick this hill to defend, and you will likely poison the rest of the weekend.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:12 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:12 AM on November 23, 2010
These people sound like assholes. It's your partner's job to figure it out, but it's also his job to prevent the ridiculousness from spilling over to you.
posted by mynameisluka at 11:14 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by mynameisluka at 11:14 AM on November 23, 2010
The people who invited you to dinner and even made sure it was when your partner could make it sound awesome. And fun. I'd hang out with them. If I were your partner.
posted by geekhorde at 11:27 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by geekhorde at 11:27 AM on November 23, 2010
They're basically holding it over his head, saying that if he doesn't come over for theirs, he might as well not even bother calling again.
Wow. The last time someone tried that on me was the last time I spoke with them. Your partner should ask himself if the emotional blackmail is really what he likes in that relationship.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 11:40 AM on November 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Wow. The last time someone tried that on me was the last time I spoke with them. Your partner should ask himself if the emotional blackmail is really what he likes in that relationship.
posted by Dipsomaniac at 11:40 AM on November 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
There's nothing loving or considerate or even friendly about his so-called friends and their refusal to accommodate him in any way. What a pair of assholes. Seriously. If your partner is bound and determined to try to make these assholes happy (for whatever strange reason), you should try not to add to his guilt by showing your displeasure. Until. After Thanksgiving. Because they may try to pull more of the same at Christmas. So for his sake, be the caring friend that they aren't being, and let him go, and then the next day have a little talk about his friends.
posted by iconomy at 11:43 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by iconomy at 11:43 AM on November 23, 2010
We accepted an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner a month ago.
That's your answer. Your partner's "friends'" behavior nothwithstanding, he is pretty inconsiderate to be bailing on you and your Thanksgiving hosts.
posted by headnsouth at 11:54 AM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
That's your answer. Your partner's "friends'" behavior nothwithstanding, he is pretty inconsiderate to be bailing on you and your Thanksgiving hosts.
posted by headnsouth at 11:54 AM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
We often do a second Thanksgiving Friday or Saturday with some family friends. Everyone has leftovers anyway! If there isn't too much vitriol already, maybe something like that would work for you?
posted by ecsh at 11:56 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by ecsh at 11:56 AM on November 23, 2010
Yeah, the fact that he's pretty determined to be with them and not you makes me question how much he really wants to spend the time with you.
posted by Melismata at 11:59 AM on November 23, 2010
posted by Melismata at 11:59 AM on November 23, 2010
Even though others (including me) wouldn't wait five minutes to tell these "friends" to shove off, this is very clearly painful for your guy. The terms "learning experience" and "natural consequences" come to mind. You go to dinner with your friends. Let Partner figure out where he wants to be and when. Be very supportive of whatever he decides to do. I predict his relationship with his "friends" will change forever over this, and your Christmas break will not include any of this drama.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:59 AM on November 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 11:59 AM on November 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
Trying to see it from his friends' POV (though they're being jerks, they have to have some reason for being jerks) -- your SO is like family, and (as far as I understand US Thanksgiving), the assumption is that one spends Thanksgiving with family. So, sure, they didn't plan out the details far in advance, because you don't really need to for family holidays. (My family gets around to the final planning a week or two before any holiday.)
So now your SO barely sees or speaks to them (since he is busy and out of town), and they probably know they're growing apart and are sad about it, and now he made these other plans for other friends who maybe he likes better and they're sad and scared and digging in (and, in the process, acting like assholes).
You should go to the dinner you RSVPed to and accept that you'll lose a few hours out of 5 days. Your SO should do whatever he wants, and you should support him, because he's already being pulled in a lot of directions. (Going for 4 hours then meeting you seems like a reasonable compromise, as is having dinner with these friends another evening instead. But the friends are not being reasonable.)
posted by jeather at 12:04 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
So now your SO barely sees or speaks to them (since he is busy and out of town), and they probably know they're growing apart and are sad about it, and now he made these other plans for other friends who maybe he likes better and they're sad and scared and digging in (and, in the process, acting like assholes).
You should go to the dinner you RSVPed to and accept that you'll lose a few hours out of 5 days. Your SO should do whatever he wants, and you should support him, because he's already being pulled in a lot of directions. (Going for 4 hours then meeting you seems like a reasonable compromise, as is having dinner with these friends another evening instead. But the friends are not being reasonable.)
posted by jeather at 12:04 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
TerristFriends, You know I love you very dearly, and it would break my heart to damage our friendship. But I have made a commitment, and I am having a terrible time finding a way to honor the commitment I made to NiceFriends and still spend time with you. If you really don't want me to come for part of the day, I'll respect that, with great disappointment.
posted by theora55 at 12:14 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 12:14 PM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Why is it that Thanksgiving and Christmas bring out the worst in some people? People who call themselves families? Ugh.
I know five days seems like such a short time, but I think it's in the best interest of your relationship to give one of those days up. You'll still have four whole days with him all to yourself, give him the one to sort the crap out. You will be the one coming out smelling like roses. Best case he'll resent the 'friends' even more for separating you two in your short time together.
Don't break your word to the hosts that you already RSVP'd to. Adults honor their previous engagements. Don't hold it over your BF's head. Be the grown up, let him go do what he wants (or feels he needs to do) and try to enjoy the four other days in the break.
If his friends have any shred of common sense left your BF could try reasoning with them. Even married people don't always go to the same in-law's house for every holiday. Could your BF tell them that this holiday you've already made a commitment (he could even do the roll-you-eyes-and-sigh "We've already RSVP'd and just can't get out of it." dance) and say that since he's agreed to do what you want for Thanksgiving then they can have you both over for Christmas Dinner. That's how my husband and I do it, my family gets Thanksgiving then his gets Christmas. The next year we switch. (Of course this only happens when we can afford the travel.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:19 PM on November 23, 2010
I know five days seems like such a short time, but I think it's in the best interest of your relationship to give one of those days up. You'll still have four whole days with him all to yourself, give him the one to sort the crap out. You will be the one coming out smelling like roses. Best case he'll resent the 'friends' even more for separating you two in your short time together.
Don't break your word to the hosts that you already RSVP'd to. Adults honor their previous engagements. Don't hold it over your BF's head. Be the grown up, let him go do what he wants (or feels he needs to do) and try to enjoy the four other days in the break.
If his friends have any shred of common sense left your BF could try reasoning with them. Even married people don't always go to the same in-law's house for every holiday. Could your BF tell them that this holiday you've already made a commitment (he could even do the roll-you-eyes-and-sigh "We've already RSVP'd and just can't get out of it." dance) and say that since he's agreed to do what you want for Thanksgiving then they can have you both over for Christmas Dinner. That's how my husband and I do it, my family gets Thanksgiving then his gets Christmas. The next year we switch. (Of course this only happens when we can afford the travel.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:19 PM on November 23, 2010
If your time together is precious, you need to just let this go and let him make his own decisions. Thanksgiving is kinda ruined, but you don't want the rest of the weekend to suck, right?
It's easy to see this as him choosing them over you, but really their emotional blackmail has nothing to do with you. He knows you won't leave him over this and that you're a reasonable person who will forgive him, so he really has no choice if he wants to preserve his friendship wit them. They're assholes who are being abusive. The fact that he's too weak to cut them off has nothing to do with you. Don't make this about your relationship because it's pure poison. Let it go. Holidays make people CRAZY.
Going forward he needs to reevaluate his relationship with them, with prodding from you if necessary, but this definitely ain't the time to press the issue.
posted by pjaust at 12:33 PM on November 23, 2010
It's easy to see this as him choosing them over you, but really their emotional blackmail has nothing to do with you. He knows you won't leave him over this and that you're a reasonable person who will forgive him, so he really has no choice if he wants to preserve his friendship wit them. They're assholes who are being abusive. The fact that he's too weak to cut them off has nothing to do with you. Don't make this about your relationship because it's pure poison. Let it go. Holidays make people CRAZY.
Going forward he needs to reevaluate his relationship with them, with prodding from you if necessary, but this definitely ain't the time to press the issue.
posted by pjaust at 12:33 PM on November 23, 2010
You can't choose his friends.
Unfortunately.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 1:09 PM on November 23, 2010
Unfortunately.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 1:09 PM on November 23, 2010
I know five days seems like such a short time, but I think it's in the best interest of your relationship to give one of those days up.
Sorry, but one of those days is Thanksgiving, which is an important facet of this discussion. Forgive me for reading this as if you two are a same-sex couple ("partner" always clues me in, sometimes wrongly), but I find that couples whose relationships aren't validated through normal ends put a lot of stock in symbolic moments, such as celebrating holidays together. Even if you're not a same-sex couple, it's entirely okay to feel upset that your partner is celebrating the ultimate Family Holiday without you. You can deconstruct the value of holidays all you want, but it still hurts to sit down at a table full of friends and their significant others and realize your partner isn't with you.
If his older friends don't have significant others, especially ones that have been with them for many years, they might have lost perspective on what obligations are appropriate to expect others to fulfill. I think you should write the most reasonable of the friends and see if you can gently reach a compromise. Honestly, asking him to split the holiday between them and you should be more than enough to satisfy her silly demands.
posted by Viola at 1:23 PM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sorry, but one of those days is Thanksgiving, which is an important facet of this discussion. Forgive me for reading this as if you two are a same-sex couple ("partner" always clues me in, sometimes wrongly), but I find that couples whose relationships aren't validated through normal ends put a lot of stock in symbolic moments, such as celebrating holidays together. Even if you're not a same-sex couple, it's entirely okay to feel upset that your partner is celebrating the ultimate Family Holiday without you. You can deconstruct the value of holidays all you want, but it still hurts to sit down at a table full of friends and their significant others and realize your partner isn't with you.
If his older friends don't have significant others, especially ones that have been with them for many years, they might have lost perspective on what obligations are appropriate to expect others to fulfill. I think you should write the most reasonable of the friends and see if you can gently reach a compromise. Honestly, asking him to split the holiday between them and you should be more than enough to satisfy her silly demands.
posted by Viola at 1:23 PM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Huh. I can only see this from the perspective of the people who extended an invitation and you accepted -- both of you -- and the event is coming up in mere days! It's a lot of food and planning and you just can't bail! Some years ago, hubby and I planned an orphan's type Thanksgiving for some friends and had about ten people plus us say they would attend. And then for various reasons they all bailed except for one couple. It really pissed us off. They all had fairly legitimate reasons but we had to radically change our plans which included donating a huge turkey that would have gone to waste. We ended up going skiing with the other couple and then just grubbing on the dishes which were already in the works.
Don't bail on the people who you've already committed to! And I wouldn't die on the sword over this but I'd tell my partner once and firmly that keeping with the original plans is the right thing to do. I mean, it really needs to be their final choice but you don't have to pretend to be happy about it or make excuses for your partner's absence. His or her friends are being jerks.
posted by amanda at 2:53 PM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't bail on the people who you've already committed to! And I wouldn't die on the sword over this but I'd tell my partner once and firmly that keeping with the original plans is the right thing to do. I mean, it really needs to be their final choice but you don't have to pretend to be happy about it or make excuses for your partner's absence. His or her friends are being jerks.
posted by amanda at 2:53 PM on November 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ok, so I have a job where I am pretty much socially unavailable for 7 months of the year. My true friends are the ones who understand that I do care, and I will be around again in the off season. Just as a data point.
Can one of you "get really sick" and the other stay home to take care of the "sick" partner?
posted by mollymayhem at 4:28 PM on November 23, 2010
Can one of you "get really sick" and the other stay home to take care of the "sick" partner?
posted by mollymayhem at 4:28 PM on November 23, 2010
Yikes, this holiday family/friend stuff can be really tough for a couple to deal with. I definitely feel for you. Even after 8 years with my husband, every holiday season one or the other of us (or both) are left somewhat unsatisfied. It sucks.
I don't really have a perfect solution or anything, but I really strongly feel you should heed the advice, and your partner's preference, that you not try to negotiate with the troublesome friends yourself. You won't be happy, your SO won't be happy, the friends won't be happy. So stay away from directly contacting them. Honor your pre-arranged dinner obligation. I agree it sucks your partner is bailing on that at sort of the last minute, but I also think you shouldn't put pressure on him by guilting him over this fact. Were I you, I would wish my partner had an impulse to say fuck off to crazy ultimatums, but in the real world friendships and feelings are complicated. Tell him you love him, and support his decision. Trust that eventually he will sort out this friendship to both your satisfactions, one way or another.
I don't think it is out of line to have a talk after the stress of the holidays to let him know how you felt about the situation, and find out what his thoughts were, in retrospect. I mean, it's not really fair to say now you support him and then spring on him after the fact that you thought his decision was fucked, so try to find a middle ground now where you honestly support him but also let him know how you are feeling. Still working on following my own advice, but that would be something to aspire to, in my opinion.
posted by JenMarie at 12:31 AM on November 24, 2010
I don't really have a perfect solution or anything, but I really strongly feel you should heed the advice, and your partner's preference, that you not try to negotiate with the troublesome friends yourself. You won't be happy, your SO won't be happy, the friends won't be happy. So stay away from directly contacting them. Honor your pre-arranged dinner obligation. I agree it sucks your partner is bailing on that at sort of the last minute, but I also think you shouldn't put pressure on him by guilting him over this fact. Were I you, I would wish my partner had an impulse to say fuck off to crazy ultimatums, but in the real world friendships and feelings are complicated. Tell him you love him, and support his decision. Trust that eventually he will sort out this friendship to both your satisfactions, one way or another.
I don't think it is out of line to have a talk after the stress of the holidays to let him know how you felt about the situation, and find out what his thoughts were, in retrospect. I mean, it's not really fair to say now you support him and then spring on him after the fact that you thought his decision was fucked, so try to find a middle ground now where you honestly support him but also let him know how you are feeling. Still working on following my own advice, but that would be something to aspire to, in my opinion.
posted by JenMarie at 12:31 AM on November 24, 2010
Response by poster: With partner's permission I wound up writing to head friend and lobbying for some sort of compromise. This of course did not go over terribly well, but it did eventually lead to a huge email from her confessing in minute detail all the reasons why she is hurt and acting the way she's acting.
Ultimately she told us that we should go ahead and keep our other plans, and that she would just suck it up this time if next time we all worked on planning together in advance. Which I think is totally fair.
So, the two of us did get to go spend thanksgiving together at our previously committed-to destination.
Thanks for your help everyone, I felt like I was dismantling a bomb with you guys on walkie-talkie telling me what wires NOT to cut.
posted by Vinegaroon at 4:05 PM on November 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
Ultimately she told us that we should go ahead and keep our other plans, and that she would just suck it up this time if next time we all worked on planning together in advance. Which I think is totally fair.
So, the two of us did get to go spend thanksgiving together at our previously committed-to destination.
Thanks for your help everyone, I felt like I was dismantling a bomb with you guys on walkie-talkie telling me what wires NOT to cut.
posted by Vinegaroon at 4:05 PM on November 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jon1270 at 11:03 AM on November 23, 2010 [14 favorites]