Getting rid of signs of crying.
November 1, 2010 2:27 PM Subscribe
I want to feel comfortable becoming emotional in my therapist’s office, which means being confident that I walk out of her office without any sign I was crying.
Last Tuesday, I touched on something in a session with my therapist that brought me close to crying. I insisted that we change the subject there. We only had 25 minutes left in our hour-long session and I didn’t want to walk out of there looking like I had been crying. She really wanted to continue. She said it was the first time I had used “feeling words” in any of our sessions. I agreed to talk about it at our next session, if we started on that topic right away, so I will have time to recover.
I agree it is important that we address the thing that upset me. But the only way I’ll be comfortable to discuss it is if I am confident that I can eliminate the evidence I was crying before leaving her office. This is the counseling service provided by my university and I always seem to run into someone I know walking from sessions.
My ideas so far:
-Agree in advance that we’ll change the subject to something less emotional when there are 25 minutes remaining, to give me recovery time.
-Bring an instant ice pack to put on my eyes, to reduce swelling and constrict the blood vessels.
I think the main indicators of crying are red, puffy eyes. How can I get rid of them quickly? Are there other indicators of crying that I’m not thinking of? I’m a guy, so I don’t have to worry about makeup.
p.s. I mean her office individual office, not the building. I don't want to have to walk down the hall to the bathroom.
Last Tuesday, I touched on something in a session with my therapist that brought me close to crying. I insisted that we change the subject there. We only had 25 minutes left in our hour-long session and I didn’t want to walk out of there looking like I had been crying. She really wanted to continue. She said it was the first time I had used “feeling words” in any of our sessions. I agreed to talk about it at our next session, if we started on that topic right away, so I will have time to recover.
I agree it is important that we address the thing that upset me. But the only way I’ll be comfortable to discuss it is if I am confident that I can eliminate the evidence I was crying before leaving her office. This is the counseling service provided by my university and I always seem to run into someone I know walking from sessions.
My ideas so far:
-Agree in advance that we’ll change the subject to something less emotional when there are 25 minutes remaining, to give me recovery time.
-Bring an instant ice pack to put on my eyes, to reduce swelling and constrict the blood vessels.
I think the main indicators of crying are red, puffy eyes. How can I get rid of them quickly? Are there other indicators of crying that I’m not thinking of? I’m a guy, so I don’t have to worry about makeup.
p.s. I mean her office individual office, not the building. I don't want to have to walk down the hall to the bathroom.
There are eye drops that relieve redness. You need the kind made specifically for that, though, as there are also eye drops that simply hydrate. Check the nearest drug store. If you're that worried about it, you could also just carry some Kleenex and pretend to sneeze when you encounter someone you know?
posted by katillathehun at 2:33 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by katillathehun at 2:33 PM on November 1, 2010
Big-ass sunglasses.
posted by ocherdraco at 2:34 PM on November 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 2:34 PM on November 1, 2010 [11 favorites]
Is there another place you could meet with the therapist? My mother has done in-house EAP (resident therapist at a company) and they've always given her an office away from the rest of the company, typically on a floor of the office building where they rent no other space. Forget crying - the simple fact that you're seeing a therapist is private.
posted by pocams at 2:38 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by pocams at 2:38 PM on November 1, 2010
Just tell people that either you just ate something really spicy or that you had just choked really bad on something, or both. Each results in red eyes and runny nose. If you are worried about your face getting puffy, blame allergies/sinus.
posted by Neekee at 2:38 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by Neekee at 2:38 PM on November 1, 2010
visine and one of those eyerollers with caffeine in it (e.g. Garnier).
posted by kestrel251 at 2:40 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by kestrel251 at 2:40 PM on November 1, 2010
Other than puffy red eyes, you might find your nose turns red. You might try dabbing your ice pack in that area too. When I need to pull my self together after a cry I always use a cold rag on my face, then use a powder foundation to tone down any remaining redness. (Cover Girl makes one for less than $10 if you want to go that route... it would be something easily concealed in a pocket and you can apply it with a few swipes of a powder puff right there in the office.)
If I ever find myself red-eyed and sniffly with no chance to touch up my face, "my damn allergies are killing me today" is what I use to get off the hook for having to explain.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:52 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
If I ever find myself red-eyed and sniffly with no chance to touch up my face, "my damn allergies are killing me today" is what I use to get off the hook for having to explain.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:52 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
Rhoto eye drops and an instant ice pack. Gently swipe under your eyes, starting in the middle and pushing outwards (so you would start at the middle and gently swipe towards your nose and then gently swipe towards your ears).
Consider changing your appointment time to a time of day when you're more comfortable that you won't run into anyone.
People will notice less than you think, especially if you're walking kind of quickly and you've got on headphones or you're on your phone or some other indication that you're busy. You will always be way more conscious of it than someone else. Unless you are outright sobbing as you walk through campus, most people are not going to notice - just wave and keep walking.
It's about to be winter anyway, so if your skin is kind of blotchy most people would assume it's the weather. You might also subtly mention at random times that you get odd allergies in winter.
posted by mrs. taters at 3:00 PM on November 1, 2010
Consider changing your appointment time to a time of day when you're more comfortable that you won't run into anyone.
People will notice less than you think, especially if you're walking kind of quickly and you've got on headphones or you're on your phone or some other indication that you're busy. You will always be way more conscious of it than someone else. Unless you are outright sobbing as you walk through campus, most people are not going to notice - just wave and keep walking.
It's about to be winter anyway, so if your skin is kind of blotchy most people would assume it's the weather. You might also subtly mention at random times that you get odd allergies in winter.
posted by mrs. taters at 3:00 PM on November 1, 2010
This is the counseling service provided by my university and I always seem to run into someone I know walking from sessions.
"Hey!"
"Hey."
"Are you OK? Your eyes are all..."
"Salad had mango in it. Fucking allergies."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:10 PM on November 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
"Hey!"
"Hey."
"Are you OK? Your eyes are all..."
"Salad had mango in it. Fucking allergies."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:10 PM on November 1, 2010 [6 favorites]
I saved this comment from a very helpful ask mefi member whom I've since forgotten, works fantastically:
"Stretch your face into the biggest, widest smile you can manage.
Make sure the muscles around your eyes are really stretched and squinting.
Hold your fake smile for about 30 seconds.
Voila! Instant improvement in puffyness and a big decrease in redness."
posted by ellieBOA at 3:31 PM on November 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
"Stretch your face into the biggest, widest smile you can manage.
Make sure the muscles around your eyes are really stretched and squinting.
Hold your fake smile for about 30 seconds.
Voila! Instant improvement in puffyness and a big decrease in redness."
posted by ellieBOA at 3:31 PM on November 1, 2010 [4 favorites]
Talking about stuff that makes you cry is what you want to spend your therapy time on. Figure out a way to hide that you've been crying or figure out how to be ok with not hiding it.
posted by boghead at 3:47 PM on November 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by boghead at 3:47 PM on November 1, 2010 [9 favorites]
"I think the main indicators of crying are red, puffy eyes."
This is also the main indicator of allergies so I don't think you need to worry about people assuming that you've been crying. If anyone says anything, just say you were going through some old files and the dust really aggravated your allergies.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:59 PM on November 1, 2010
This is also the main indicator of allergies so I don't think you need to worry about people assuming that you've been crying. If anyone says anything, just say you were going through some old files and the dust really aggravated your allergies.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:59 PM on November 1, 2010
Cold pack, no mascara, eyelash curler. Take some allergy pills with you and pretend to take one if you're still puffy. A sports drink with electrolytes might help... maybe.
posted by tel3path at 4:08 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by tel3path at 4:08 PM on November 1, 2010
This is an excellent time to lose something deep in the bottom of your bookbag (or purse or computer bag or whatever), requiring you to keep your head down and rifle trough your stuff until you get to the bathroom. It helps if you have shaggy hair/bangs.
A note about eye drops: the kind to remove redness (my experience has been with Visine) really do their job well. Super fast vaso-constrict on contact. But be warned if your eyes are really bloodshot. One of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life was the day I had something stuck in my eye for several hours, and when I finally got it out (after much poking and rinsing and everything) I decided to use the redness-removing drops so I didn't have a bright red, inflamed eyeball to present to the world for the rest of the evening. IT FELT LIKE MY EYE WAS DYING because each tiny capillary was zapped into invisibility at the exact same time. Only for a second or two. But still. FREAKING OW. It couldn't have been good for me. Tread carefully.
posted by phunniemee at 4:12 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
A note about eye drops: the kind to remove redness (my experience has been with Visine) really do their job well. Super fast vaso-constrict on contact. But be warned if your eyes are really bloodshot. One of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life was the day I had something stuck in my eye for several hours, and when I finally got it out (after much poking and rinsing and everything) I decided to use the redness-removing drops so I didn't have a bright red, inflamed eyeball to present to the world for the rest of the evening. IT FELT LIKE MY EYE WAS DYING because each tiny capillary was zapped into invisibility at the exact same time. Only for a second or two. But still. FREAKING OW. It couldn't have been good for me. Tread carefully.
posted by phunniemee at 4:12 PM on November 1, 2010 [2 favorites]
One additional problem with plan A is that it can take a while each session to feel settled and safe enough to be ready to deal with really hard/emotional stuff. Certainly you don't sound like someone who can walk in the door and spill their guts in the first 5-10 minutes. Which means that by the time you are ready to go deeper, you will getting close to your 25 minute deadline - which means that you will probably keep yourself from exploring the material that you really need to be looking at.
posted by metahawk at 4:25 PM on November 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 4:25 PM on November 1, 2010 [3 favorites]
Have an exit strategy.
a) In the dr's office: Tissue, tissue, blow nose.
b) As soon as you're in the hall, pick one or two of the following: hoodie/baseball hat on, sunglasses go on, headphones on.
and here's the important part:
c) have a place to go and schedule at least one hour to decompress. When I was in school I had roommates, so home wasn't an option. Instead, I had a few random nooks on campus/study rooms on campus, and IKEA. It doesn't have to be isolated, but you have to feel OK about being there and looking a little bit upset. Use that last hour after your session to unwind, comfort yourself for any crap that got you riled up, and get ready for the rest of the day.
posted by samthemander at 4:37 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
a) In the dr's office: Tissue, tissue, blow nose.
b) As soon as you're in the hall, pick one or two of the following: hoodie/baseball hat on, sunglasses go on, headphones on.
and here's the important part:
c) have a place to go and schedule at least one hour to decompress. When I was in school I had roommates, so home wasn't an option. Instead, I had a few random nooks on campus/study rooms on campus, and IKEA. It doesn't have to be isolated, but you have to feel OK about being there and looking a little bit upset. Use that last hour after your session to unwind, comfort yourself for any crap that got you riled up, and get ready for the rest of the day.
posted by samthemander at 4:37 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I'm reading this correctly, this therapist's office is located in an area with at least a few other therapist / counselor types.
Accordingly, many of the people you're likely to see in that immediate vicinity are likely to be therapists or clients/patients. All of the former and most, if not all, of the latter (assuming they even notice it) aren't going to mind if you're emotional/teary/red-eyed from crying/etc. If they see numerous people per day who are emotional/teary/etc., they're not likely to see your being emotional/teary/etc as anything noteworthy.
If someone you know from elsewhere does see you in this state, and they try to harass you about it, you can (a) tell them to go fuck themselves OR (b) remind them that having seen you in that location in that emotional state implies that they were in that location, and people are most likely to be in that location if they are themselves clients/patients of a therapist, which is something that should be treated with discretion.
In addition to this, n-thing the white lies about allergies, or sand/dirt/dust in your eyes, etc.
Also, is there a less heavily trafficked path by which you can exit this building?
posted by AMSBoethius at 5:39 PM on November 1, 2010
Accordingly, many of the people you're likely to see in that immediate vicinity are likely to be therapists or clients/patients. All of the former and most, if not all, of the latter (assuming they even notice it) aren't going to mind if you're emotional/teary/red-eyed from crying/etc. If they see numerous people per day who are emotional/teary/etc., they're not likely to see your being emotional/teary/etc as anything noteworthy.
If someone you know from elsewhere does see you in this state, and they try to harass you about it, you can (a) tell them to go fuck themselves OR (b) remind them that having seen you in that location in that emotional state implies that they were in that location, and people are most likely to be in that location if they are themselves clients/patients of a therapist, which is something that should be treated with discretion.
In addition to this, n-thing the white lies about allergies, or sand/dirt/dust in your eyes, etc.
Also, is there a less heavily trafficked path by which you can exit this building?
posted by AMSBoethius at 5:39 PM on November 1, 2010
Get one of those flexible gel packs for sports injuries, freeze it, and have it ready to apply after a crying session. Visine. Sunglasses. all mitigate the effects, and "Allergies/Cold" is effective.
I understand your distress, but it's okay to cry, it's okay to have been crying. It's okay for people to know you cry sometimes. I recently got so distraught that I could not return to my office for the rest of the day. In that case, I wished for Visine, sunglasses and a paper bag to put over my head. with soundproofing to mask the sniffling that would. not. stop. But mostly, it's even okay to say to a person who has even a tiny bit of kindness in their soul "Therapist. I need a hug." The people who give you a nice warm hug are keepers.
posted by theora55 at 6:25 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I understand your distress, but it's okay to cry, it's okay to have been crying. It's okay for people to know you cry sometimes. I recently got so distraught that I could not return to my office for the rest of the day. In that case, I wished for Visine, sunglasses and a paper bag to put over my head. with soundproofing to mask the sniffling that would. not. stop. But mostly, it's even okay to say to a person who has even a tiny bit of kindness in their soul "Therapist. I need a hug." The people who give you a nice warm hug are keepers.
posted by theora55 at 6:25 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a condition where my eyelids are easily irritated. It's called blepharitis (which I think just means inflammation of the eyelid). People often think I've been crying when I haven't been. So this is not really different from the "allergies" suggestions. However, what I want to add is, that, because in certain situations I don't want people to think I've been crying when I haven't been, I make sure to have a little smile or at least content expression on my face.
You may not want to do this when you're not, in fact, feeling content, but, just saying, I think people are less likely to think you've been crying when your expression doesn't read "sad."
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:28 PM on November 1, 2010
You may not want to do this when you're not, in fact, feeling content, but, just saying, I think people are less likely to think you've been crying when your expression doesn't read "sad."
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:28 PM on November 1, 2010
Pretending to be cheerful is highly effective. It helps to be known as someone who gets allergies (sadly, my reputation in this department is all too genuine.) You can also talk to them about the adorable baby you met yesterday who passed on their one-day head cold - this is another "sadly, all too true" thing for me; a baby was, I think, single-handedly responsible for giving half the analysts in my division a head cold last week. I didn't even get to meet the kid!
Oh - and while on campus and trying to avoid eye contact, I find that reading helps lots (these days I use my BlackBerry for this purpose, but back in the day, I was rocking a novel at all times.) You have to be careful, though, lest you be known as "that one girl in a skirt who is always reading and wears a t-shirt in 30 degree weather," which I totally managed to become. 50,000 students at my school and random strangers recognized me thanks to this. On the other hand, no one ever stopped to ask if I was crying, so, win.
posted by SMPA at 6:40 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh - and while on campus and trying to avoid eye contact, I find that reading helps lots (these days I use my BlackBerry for this purpose, but back in the day, I was rocking a novel at all times.) You have to be careful, though, lest you be known as "that one girl in a skirt who is always reading and wears a t-shirt in 30 degree weather," which I totally managed to become. 50,000 students at my school and random strangers recognized me thanks to this. On the other hand, no one ever stopped to ask if I was crying, so, win.
posted by SMPA at 6:40 PM on November 1, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do you have access to a bathroom near the therapist's office?
A wet, cool paper towel blotted over the eyes face is an instant fix for blotchiness and redness. Cheap and effective. Take 5 more minutes in there just messing around on your phone or whatever if you want to pull it together a bit before leaving.
posted by R a c h e l at 8:05 PM on November 1, 2010
A wet, cool paper towel blotted over the eyes face is an instant fix for blotchiness and redness. Cheap and effective. Take 5 more minutes in there just messing around on your phone or whatever if you want to pull it together a bit before leaving.
posted by R a c h e l at 8:05 PM on November 1, 2010
Sign up for the last appointment of the day, then go straight home afterward. Nobody will be around to see you cry, and it gives you the freedom to let it all out, and then continue the feelings even beyond your (50-minute) hour.
posted by nadise at 9:34 PM on November 1, 2010
posted by nadise at 9:34 PM on November 1, 2010
I think most people are answering the question, but not the problem. You are anxious that someone might think you have been crying in a therapy session - which is a perfectly natural, common place to cry. You're concerned about others seeing your uncontrolled display of emotion, and mention that your therapist made note of a rare display of "feeling words" from you.
You are trying to control your emotions. Fail. Won't work. Can't be done. It's like trying to compress water - you can squeeze it, freeze it, or mop it up with rags and hand towels, but nothing is going to make it any smaller.
Accept this first. Then, accept that EVERYONE has feelings like yours - they only differ in the details (why/who/when...). Then (the big one...), accept that it's OK for you to display emotions in therapy, and EVEN OK for others to perceive that you're doing so.
(ps - likely no one will notice, anyway. It's a therapist's office; they're worried about their own problems, not your undereye qualities.)
posted by IAmBroom at 10:18 PM on November 1, 2010
You are trying to control your emotions. Fail. Won't work. Can't be done. It's like trying to compress water - you can squeeze it, freeze it, or mop it up with rags and hand towels, but nothing is going to make it any smaller.
Accept this first. Then, accept that EVERYONE has feelings like yours - they only differ in the details (why/who/when...). Then (the big one...), accept that it's OK for you to display emotions in therapy, and EVEN OK for others to perceive that you're doing so.
(ps - likely no one will notice, anyway. It's a therapist's office; they're worried about their own problems, not your undereye qualities.)
posted by IAmBroom at 10:18 PM on November 1, 2010
Keep one or two of these in your wallet. They're individually wrapped and will help wipe away the sniffly, stuffed up feeling.
posted by Gable Oak at 11:15 AM on November 2, 2010
posted by Gable Oak at 11:15 AM on November 2, 2010
I find that I think I look a lot more torn-up than I actually look. A drink of cold water, really helps, and not just blotting at tears with kleenex but washing my face with wet-wipes (or in the washroom). Part of looking calm is feeling calm, and taking a minute to drink some water and eat a mint, make idle chitchat with the therapist and talk about what's for lunch, helps at least as much as actual face-refreshment.
Most therapists (well, mine, anyway) are pretty tuned-in to the idea of the 1-hour session, and that like a long hike in the woods, there's a trip to get you into emotional territory, and they have to allow enough time to get home again, too, without spilling out of the 55-minute time slot (whic his way more sacred to them than to you, so having you ready to leave at the end of it is in their best interest). Telling your therapist that recovery time is important to you will probably help.
posted by aimedwander at 12:21 PM on November 2, 2010
Most therapists (well, mine, anyway) are pretty tuned-in to the idea of the 1-hour session, and that like a long hike in the woods, there's a trip to get you into emotional territory, and they have to allow enough time to get home again, too, without spilling out of the 55-minute time slot (whic his way more sacred to them than to you, so having you ready to leave at the end of it is in their best interest). Telling your therapist that recovery time is important to you will probably help.
posted by aimedwander at 12:21 PM on November 2, 2010
If you feel up for misdirection, you could carry a suitable book with you. If anybody asks anything like "are you okay?" you can just wave it in their general direction and say "oh, just crying over people who don't even exist — I'm a big sappy moosh that way."
What's a suitable book? Depends on you. The one that made me cry most recently might not make you cry.
posted by Lexica at 2:19 PM on November 4, 2010
What's a suitable book? Depends on you. The one that made me cry most recently might not make you cry.
posted by Lexica at 2:19 PM on November 4, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by minervous at 2:31 PM on November 1, 2010