How do I tell someone I can't accept their gift?
October 30, 2010 4:07 PM Subscribe
How do I tell someone I can't accept their gift?
Someone gave me some money and I can't accept the gift. Part of the reason is because it's more than i'm comfortable with. Also, I don't know them very well and I feel like i'm doing well enough that I don't need the help.
I already have the cash in hand. They were sneaky and told me it was a small amount so I begrudgingly accepted it; it was in a sealed envelope. When I got home and opened the envelope there was 10 times more than what they said was in there.
I'm very grateful and appreciate the gesture deeply. This is a very very sweet and kind person.
Someone gave me some money and I can't accept the gift. Part of the reason is because it's more than i'm comfortable with. Also, I don't know them very well and I feel like i'm doing well enough that I don't need the help.
I already have the cash in hand. They were sneaky and told me it was a small amount so I begrudgingly accepted it; it was in a sealed envelope. When I got home and opened the envelope there was 10 times more than what they said was in there.
I'm very grateful and appreciate the gesture deeply. This is a very very sweet and kind person.
What was the context of the gift? Was it for an occasion or did it happen because the person somehow got the idea you were in need?
My opinion depends a bit on the details of the situation, but in general: This person has already given you this gift, and you already accepted it (even though you didn't realize what you were taking at the time). You said you are grateful and appreciate the gesture deeply; write an extremely heartfelt appreciative note to this very very sweet and kind person.
If you want, I think it would be okay to say that you were surprised and touched by the person's incredible generosity, and since it was so much more than you [needed? expected?], you've decided to share some of his/her generosity with [worthy charity] -- but I'm a little on the fence about that. You don't have to tell the person what you're doing with the money.
I'm not sure how you could return the money to the giver. From my perspective, s/he chose to give you the amount of money, and you have to assume that s/he didn't put him/herself into financial hardship by doing so. Giving it back might be kind of weird? But I think it depends on your relationship.
posted by hansbrough at 4:19 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
My opinion depends a bit on the details of the situation, but in general: This person has already given you this gift, and you already accepted it (even though you didn't realize what you were taking at the time). You said you are grateful and appreciate the gesture deeply; write an extremely heartfelt appreciative note to this very very sweet and kind person.
If you want, I think it would be okay to say that you were surprised and touched by the person's incredible generosity, and since it was so much more than you [needed? expected?], you've decided to share some of his/her generosity with [worthy charity] -- but I'm a little on the fence about that. You don't have to tell the person what you're doing with the money.
I'm not sure how you could return the money to the giver. From my perspective, s/he chose to give you the amount of money, and you have to assume that s/he didn't put him/herself into financial hardship by doing so. Giving it back might be kind of weird? But I think it depends on your relationship.
posted by hansbrough at 4:19 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I was given a sum of money I had already made clear I didn't need (and the giver had sneaked it into my car such that by the time I found it I was hundreds of miles away), I used the money to help out another friend. I sent a thank you note to the gifter informing them of how I used it, which made them upset. But they had given it to me to use, and I felt it was best used to help out a friend, and besides I hadn't even wanted it in the first place.
posted by rhapsodie at 4:23 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rhapsodie at 4:23 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
If it is someone you normally do exchange gifts with: you could put the cash away, wait a decent interval, til the holidays or their birthday, and then buy them a gift equal with the amount they gave you.
posted by keener_sounds at 4:23 PM on October 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by keener_sounds at 4:23 PM on October 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
the best way to not accept it is by getting rid of it by buying things you need, fast!
posted by Max Power at 4:24 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Max Power at 4:24 PM on October 30, 2010
Impossible to know without more context. It's very different if your granny gave you her entire nest egg (for example) or if a gentleman caller left you a thousand bucks on your nightstand (for example).
(Come to think of it, I wonder why stuff like this keeps happening to me.)
posted by tel3path at 4:25 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
(Come to think of it, I wonder why stuff like this keeps happening to me.)
posted by tel3path at 4:25 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hang on to the money while you think.
Is the gifter giving other people similar gifts? Sudden windfall for them? Bad odds in the face of a disease you don't know about? A concealed depression?
No snark- but were you complaining about money?
If you are going to feel differently about the gifter, return it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:27 PM on October 30, 2010
Is the gifter giving other people similar gifts? Sudden windfall for them? Bad odds in the face of a disease you don't know about? A concealed depression?
No snark- but were you complaining about money?
If you are going to feel differently about the gifter, return it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:27 PM on October 30, 2010
I'm going to say that the gift giver gave you the money because s/he wants you to have it. Give it to charity if that makes you feel better, but if I were the gift giver and you informed me of that, I would be upset because I really wanted you to use it for yourself.
I think the giver will be happiest if you keep it and say only thanks (and yes, a good thank you card is in order). Do what makes you feel best about the situation, but don't give it back.
posted by R a c h e l at 4:29 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think the giver will be happiest if you keep it and say only thanks (and yes, a good thank you card is in order). Do what makes you feel best about the situation, but don't give it back.
posted by R a c h e l at 4:29 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Unless the cash presents a hardship for the giver, just take it and enjoy. Otherwise you are raising an unnecessary ruckus.
posted by bitdamaged at 4:52 PM on October 30, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by bitdamaged at 4:52 PM on October 30, 2010 [13 favorites]
If they lied to you when they gave it to you, you don't owe them anything. Find a practical way to distribute the money in a way that makes you feel good.
posted by germdisco at 5:07 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by germdisco at 5:07 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I got home and opened the envelope there was 10 times more than what they said was in there.
You could act like it was a mistake—"Hey, you put $500 instead of $50 in the envelope by mistake. I wanted to return the excess $450 you hadn't meant to give me. It must have been awkward for you when you realized you had put so much more than you had meant to in the envelope and couldn't find a good way to ask for it back." (Numbers made up, obviously.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:07 PM on October 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
You could act like it was a mistake—"Hey, you put $500 instead of $50 in the envelope by mistake. I wanted to return the excess $450 you hadn't meant to give me. It must have been awkward for you when you realized you had put so much more than you had meant to in the envelope and couldn't find a good way to ask for it back." (Numbers made up, obviously.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:07 PM on October 30, 2010 [9 favorites]
Write a letter thanking them for this incredibly generous gift. Affirm that you're going to use [the expected smaller gift] on [the original need]. Then tell them you're using the other 90 percent on something that will have a permanent positive impact on your life, e.g., applying to next semester's tuition, putting it in your downpayment fund, buying an [x] that you need to do [y]. Try to choose something that will please your benefactor. Then do that.
posted by carmicha at 5:17 PM on October 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 5:17 PM on October 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
You've already accepted the gift. It would be weird to shove all of it back in the envelope and try to give it back to the benefactor. In your situation, I would simply keep the money and try to use it to buy long-lasting things that I really need.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 5:24 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by SkylitDrawl at 5:24 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Was it definitely a gift, or does your anxiety stem from a worry that accepting this sum of money may obligate you to this person in some way or another?
posted by patronuscharms at 5:24 PM on October 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by patronuscharms at 5:24 PM on October 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
Use the amount you agreed to take. Make a mental note to give the money back to the gift-giver when you notice they're struggling financially, and only use it for yourself when there's an emergency.
posted by Faraday Cage at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Faraday Cage at 5:27 PM on October 30, 2010
Are you planning to have children, or do you already? You could put the money into a bond or special account for their future use. Think about what would make the giver feel good.
posted by amtho at 5:48 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by amtho at 5:48 PM on October 30, 2010
I'd just keep it. I'm not comfortable with accepting money either, as I find it awkward, but I feel that it's more awkward to come up to them and return it.
posted by joyeuxamelie at 5:51 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by joyeuxamelie at 5:51 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just keep it and say thank you.
I have had this happen to me-I was given money by someone I barely knew. It was God's way of meeting a need ahead of time. It happens.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have had this happen to me-I was given money by someone I barely knew. It was God's way of meeting a need ahead of time. It happens.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:05 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You specified in your question that you have already decided you can't accept the gift, and that is absolutely your right, so I have no idea why all these people are telling you you should to accept it. The person who gave you the gift knew, because you told them, that you were comfortable with only a much smaller gift (if that). They decided that their desire to give you more trumps your stated wish.
Even though the person is very kind and sweet and well-intentioned, this is an unhealthy power dynamic, especially with someone you don't know well, and it sets a bad precedent: "You can ignore what I say I want and don't want, and do what you think is best, and I'll roll over and let you." Other people don't get to set your boundaries, whether financial or otherwise.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't be nice and kind in your method of returning the money. DevilsAdvocate's idea sounds great if you're afraid of hurting the person's feelings. Otherwise, I'd just send the excess back with a note saying something like, "Thanks so much for the gift. I appreciate your generosity, but we agreed that you would give me only X amount, and so here's the rest back."
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:15 PM on October 30, 2010 [10 favorites]
Even though the person is very kind and sweet and well-intentioned, this is an unhealthy power dynamic, especially with someone you don't know well, and it sets a bad precedent: "You can ignore what I say I want and don't want, and do what you think is best, and I'll roll over and let you." Other people don't get to set your boundaries, whether financial or otherwise.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't be nice and kind in your method of returning the money. DevilsAdvocate's idea sounds great if you're afraid of hurting the person's feelings. Otherwise, I'd just send the excess back with a note saying something like, "Thanks so much for the gift. I appreciate your generosity, but we agreed that you would give me only X amount, and so here's the rest back."
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:15 PM on October 30, 2010 [10 favorites]
I agree with FelliniBlank. Not a good feeling to feel indebted to someone who doesn't respect your wishes in general (no matter how good intentioned they are).
posted by fantasticninety at 7:01 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by fantasticninety at 7:01 PM on October 30, 2010
Best answer: Dear Lovely Person,
You have been amazingly generous and wonderfully supportive. Though I cannot accept such a large gift, I'm very grateful and appreciate the gesture more than I can say.
Yours is a kindness I will remember always.
Warmest regards,
Increase
Enclose the money with the handwritten note, pop it into the post and yer done.
posted by faineant at 7:46 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
You have been amazingly generous and wonderfully supportive. Though I cannot accept such a large gift, I'm very grateful and appreciate the gesture more than I can say.
Yours is a kindness I will remember always.
Warmest regards,
Increase
Enclose the money with the handwritten note, pop it into the post and yer done.
posted by faineant at 7:46 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: you guys rock. Thanks, Increase
posted by Increase at 7:57 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Increase at 7:57 PM on October 30, 2010
Best answer: Say thank you, and that you're flattered and touched and that this was more money than you ever expected to receive. Tell them that such generosity makes you uncomfortable, however, and that you'd like to return the money, or donate it to a charity of their choosing. If they say no, they wanted to give it to you, accept it graciously, put it in some long-term stocks, and ten years from now, decide what you want to do.
sometimes wonderful things happen even if we don't think we deserve them now. part of life is accepting luck, too.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:19 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
sometimes wonderful things happen even if we don't think we deserve them now. part of life is accepting luck, too.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:19 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
The giver tricked you intentionally. This is not a gift given without restrictions, since the giver knew you would object and therefore misled you in order to get that money into your hands. This, as FelliniBlank said above, is a power game. I would follow DevilsAdvocate's excellent advice, and let the giver know that I'd donated the original agreed-upon amount to a charity.
posted by catlet at 10:45 AM on November 1, 2010
posted by catlet at 10:45 AM on November 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by joe lisboa at 4:10 PM on October 30, 2010