Congrats on hammering that "abstinence only" message home.
October 30, 2010 1:37 PM Subscribe
I want to have a normal and healthy adult sex life. My fear of getting pregnant is stopping me. Long Catholic details inside.
Obviously this stems from my Catholic (mis)education. I was taught sex-ed by nuns who told us things like they "couldn't guarantee that having oral sex wouldn't lead to pregnancy." They brought in a woman who had an abortion to speak to us who at the time agreed with her supportive husband that it was the right thing to do but then described the procedure as "brutality" and told us how her husband left her after he found himself unable to forgive her and now instead of having a baby and a husband to love her, no one did, and no one ever would because all her dates dumped her after they found out. Basically all my sex-ed classes were a series of drivers-ed-style horror shows about getting pregnant.
So now I’m an adult, married, and a pro-choice atheist. I use the Nuva-Ring (perfectly) but my sex life is still pretty much non-existent because of my constant fear of getting pregnant. This month I had sex twice and couldn’t even get to the part where I missed my period to have a major freak out. I was peeing on a stick the second I took the ring out because in my head every PMS symptom is actually an early pregnancy sign. I also torture myself with message boards like this where it seems like everyone got pregnant while on hormonal birth control.
It’s been like this as long as I’ve been sexually active. The thing is, I always told myself it would get better when I was married, but it’s gotten worse. When I discussed it with my husband he agreed that if I was pregnant and didn’t want to be we would find the safest, most comfortable, least stressful way of ending the pregnancy and doesn’t really want a kid either. But it seems worse now, like if I had an abortion before it would have been because I was 19, broke, unmarried and without health insurance, but now none of those things are true and that poor unloved woman who thought she had a supportive husband is always in the back of my mind.
So since no amount of reassuring from my husband works and no birth control seems safe enough, the obvious answer is therapy right? But, of course, I have hang-ups about that too. In my head, a normal therapist would kick me out of their office for talking about sex and a sex therapist is just code for a guy who’s at best a pervert and at worst a rapist because even though I know better, I still can’t wrap my head around why anyone would want to be one if they weren’t a creep.
So what’s the best way for me to get over this huge hang-up? Advice as well as personal experiences with birth control, therapy, and even abortion are welcome. I’m aware enough to know that my view of sex is warped, but when I look for information myself I gravitate towards the right-wing stuff because it seems “right” to me since it echoes what I was taught.
Obviously this stems from my Catholic (mis)education. I was taught sex-ed by nuns who told us things like they "couldn't guarantee that having oral sex wouldn't lead to pregnancy." They brought in a woman who had an abortion to speak to us who at the time agreed with her supportive husband that it was the right thing to do but then described the procedure as "brutality" and told us how her husband left her after he found himself unable to forgive her and now instead of having a baby and a husband to love her, no one did, and no one ever would because all her dates dumped her after they found out. Basically all my sex-ed classes were a series of drivers-ed-style horror shows about getting pregnant.
So now I’m an adult, married, and a pro-choice atheist. I use the Nuva-Ring (perfectly) but my sex life is still pretty much non-existent because of my constant fear of getting pregnant. This month I had sex twice and couldn’t even get to the part where I missed my period to have a major freak out. I was peeing on a stick the second I took the ring out because in my head every PMS symptom is actually an early pregnancy sign. I also torture myself with message boards like this where it seems like everyone got pregnant while on hormonal birth control.
It’s been like this as long as I’ve been sexually active. The thing is, I always told myself it would get better when I was married, but it’s gotten worse. When I discussed it with my husband he agreed that if I was pregnant and didn’t want to be we would find the safest, most comfortable, least stressful way of ending the pregnancy and doesn’t really want a kid either. But it seems worse now, like if I had an abortion before it would have been because I was 19, broke, unmarried and without health insurance, but now none of those things are true and that poor unloved woman who thought she had a supportive husband is always in the back of my mind.
So since no amount of reassuring from my husband works and no birth control seems safe enough, the obvious answer is therapy right? But, of course, I have hang-ups about that too. In my head, a normal therapist would kick me out of their office for talking about sex and a sex therapist is just code for a guy who’s at best a pervert and at worst a rapist because even though I know better, I still can’t wrap my head around why anyone would want to be one if they weren’t a creep.
So what’s the best way for me to get over this huge hang-up? Advice as well as personal experiences with birth control, therapy, and even abortion are welcome. I’m aware enough to know that my view of sex is warped, but when I look for information myself I gravitate towards the right-wing stuff because it seems “right” to me since it echoes what I was taught.
Speaking to your mental hangups about therapy:
I can understand where you're coming from, but therapists can really work wonders. Please please at least look in to it if you think it might help you. (A normal therapist will not kick people out of her office if they talk about sex, otherwise she would have far fewer patients.)
And you know who might want to be a sex therapist besides creeps and perverts? Really kind, compassionate folks (often other women) who are medical professionals and who want to improve your physical and mental well-being. I speak from experience. Memail me if you'd like.
posted by bookgirl18 at 1:56 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can understand where you're coming from, but therapists can really work wonders. Please please at least look in to it if you think it might help you. (A normal therapist will not kick people out of her office if they talk about sex, otherwise she would have far fewer patients.)
And you know who might want to be a sex therapist besides creeps and perverts? Really kind, compassionate folks (often other women) who are medical professionals and who want to improve your physical and mental well-being. I speak from experience. Memail me if you'd like.
posted by bookgirl18 at 1:56 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, you're taking what people who have chosen to be celibate their entire lives to be the end-all right answer about sex?
I'm sorry if that sounded snarky, I was raised in Catholic school too, I get it. I was lucky enough to be in a fairly progressive community though (they taught us Big Bang Theory and evolution along with the Catholic beliefs). But I get it - guilt is always there, and the "BUT THE WORST COULD HAPPEN OMG!" is lingering in the back of my mind at pretty much every decision I make.
Anyway, a therapist is not going to kick you out of their office for wanting to talk about your sex life. It's an important part of your life, and that's what therapists do. They talk to you about your life. They help you deal with having the "BUT WHAT IF THE WORST THING EVER HAPPENS?" type feelings.
I still can’t wrap my head around why anyone would want to be [a sex therapist] if they weren’t a creep.
I have a friend who is a therapist. She genuinely enjoys helping people figure out how to live happier, more fulfilling lives (whether it's dealing with a specific problem, or general stuff). I'd imagine the same is true for people who are sex therapists, since sex is such an important part of life for many people.
Oh, and if you need a data point (actually three) to offset that woman who spoke to your class (who, in my eyes, was either manipulated into talking to your class or outright lying in the name of God): I know THREE women who have had abortions while in relationships/marraiges at the time and are currently in relationships/marriages. Two of them even have kids now, because they decided to have them when they were ready/wanted them.
posted by AlisonM at 1:59 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry if that sounded snarky, I was raised in Catholic school too, I get it. I was lucky enough to be in a fairly progressive community though (they taught us Big Bang Theory and evolution along with the Catholic beliefs). But I get it - guilt is always there, and the "BUT THE WORST COULD HAPPEN OMG!" is lingering in the back of my mind at pretty much every decision I make.
Anyway, a therapist is not going to kick you out of their office for wanting to talk about your sex life. It's an important part of your life, and that's what therapists do. They talk to you about your life. They help you deal with having the "BUT WHAT IF THE WORST THING EVER HAPPENS?" type feelings.
I still can’t wrap my head around why anyone would want to be [a sex therapist] if they weren’t a creep.
I have a friend who is a therapist. She genuinely enjoys helping people figure out how to live happier, more fulfilling lives (whether it's dealing with a specific problem, or general stuff). I'd imagine the same is true for people who are sex therapists, since sex is such an important part of life for many people.
Oh, and if you need a data point (actually three) to offset that woman who spoke to your class (who, in my eyes, was either manipulated into talking to your class or outright lying in the name of God): I know THREE women who have had abortions while in relationships/marraiges at the time and are currently in relationships/marriages. Two of them even have kids now, because they decided to have them when they were ready/wanted them.
posted by AlisonM at 1:59 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, definitely therapy.
And sex-positive education. For example, did you know that 1/3 of American women will have had an abortion by 45? It's really common. It's not fun, but most women get through it just fine. I seriously doubt 33.3% of American women's lives are ruined by this common medical procedure which has been demonstrated not to affect their mental health.
You may also be reassured by learning about your cycle and charting your fertility. You can avoid sex on the days you're most fertile. You may also feel more in control if you know how things work -- your body is not some mysterious and wild thing; it's actually quite understandable and predictable. Or predictably unpredictable, as the case may be.
posted by yarly at 2:26 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
And sex-positive education. For example, did you know that 1/3 of American women will have had an abortion by 45? It's really common. It's not fun, but most women get through it just fine. I seriously doubt 33.3% of American women's lives are ruined by this common medical procedure which has been demonstrated not to affect their mental health.
You may also be reassured by learning about your cycle and charting your fertility. You can avoid sex on the days you're most fertile. You may also feel more in control if you know how things work -- your body is not some mysterious and wild thing; it's actually quite understandable and predictable. Or predictably unpredictable, as the case may be.
posted by yarly at 2:26 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Get an IUD. They are 99.9% effective *always*. Double up with condoms and you are about as safe as possible.
Regarding sex therapists, I know some and they are definitely not in it because they are creeps. They want people to have healthy sex lives just like doctors want people to be physically healthy. It might feel weird for you the first few times, but once you feel more comfortable with the therapist, I'm sure it will get better.
posted by radioaction at 2:31 PM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Regarding sex therapists, I know some and they are definitely not in it because they are creeps. They want people to have healthy sex lives just like doctors want people to be physically healthy. It might feel weird for you the first few times, but once you feel more comfortable with the therapist, I'm sure it will get better.
posted by radioaction at 2:31 PM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
It's not about SEX, it's about POWER. The Catholic religion and it's representatives use these methods to exert POWER over you. SEX is one of the easiest places to leverage POWER over girls and women.
Catholic school upbringing here. Very similar "sex ed" classes, down to the woman brought in. The sooner you can disassociate power and sex (with help, therapy, yes, that would be best) the sooner you will be able to have a healthy relationship to your sexuality and your sexual esteem.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 2:32 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Catholic school upbringing here. Very similar "sex ed" classes, down to the woman brought in. The sooner you can disassociate power and sex (with help, therapy, yes, that would be best) the sooner you will be able to have a healthy relationship to your sexuality and your sexual esteem.
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 2:32 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
a normal therapist would kick me out of their office for talking about sex... Absolutely not, and I think a regular (female) psychologist recommended by your GP would be perfect for you. This is really about understanding and maybe undoing psychological conditioning and not so much about the actual sex.
A psychologist will simply help you understand yourself and your mental mechanisms and help guide you through processes to ditch this baggage. I'm pretty sure that none of the processes you go through will have anything to do with actual sex.
Give it a try, and good luck to you.
posted by snsranch at 2:33 PM on October 30, 2010
A psychologist will simply help you understand yourself and your mental mechanisms and help guide you through processes to ditch this baggage. I'm pretty sure that none of the processes you go through will have anything to do with actual sex.
Give it a try, and good luck to you.
posted by snsranch at 2:33 PM on October 30, 2010
You can easily find a qualified female therapist. You do not need to specifically see a sex therapist if that squicks you out. Therapists deal with issues around sex every day because they are a routine part of life. I really think you need to discuss this, in person, with someone who can help you process your OCD-like worry about this because honestly, this is not normal or healthy or based in statistical reality.
Second of all, you need to reset your picture of what the typical woman who has an abortion looks like. Only 19% are teenagers. 60% of women already have children; 37% are married. 27% self-identify as Catholic. 63% are white.
And you know, I'm sorry you were subjected to Sympathetic Brainwashing Poster Woman when you were a student but honestly that woman's husband sounds like a dipshit. FWIW I had an abortion after meeting my husband. It was no more brutal than menstrual cramps. It did not destroy our relationship; we got married a year later and we've been married for six (happy!) years. And while we later encountered unrelated fertility issues, I can honestly tell you that I have no regrets at all. We made the best decision we could at the time, the procedure I wanted was available when I needed it, it was not traumatic in any way, and emotionally I remain unscarred.
The things you're battling with are the ghosts of your childhod fears. Please see a therapist.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:38 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Second of all, you need to reset your picture of what the typical woman who has an abortion looks like. Only 19% are teenagers. 60% of women already have children; 37% are married. 27% self-identify as Catholic. 63% are white.
And you know, I'm sorry you were subjected to Sympathetic Brainwashing Poster Woman when you were a student but honestly that woman's husband sounds like a dipshit. FWIW I had an abortion after meeting my husband. It was no more brutal than menstrual cramps. It did not destroy our relationship; we got married a year later and we've been married for six (happy!) years. And while we later encountered unrelated fertility issues, I can honestly tell you that I have no regrets at all. We made the best decision we could at the time, the procedure I wanted was available when I needed it, it was not traumatic in any way, and emotionally I remain unscarred.
The things you're battling with are the ghosts of your childhod fears. Please see a therapist.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:38 PM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know this seems a little out of left field, but have you considered looking at porn?
Let me explain: I was raised in a fairly liberal household with fairly liberal views about sex and sexuality, but it's only since discovering the concept of sex-positive pornography and erotica (some excellent (NSFW) examples from tumblr here, here and here) that I have started to feel truly comfortable with my sexuality. Maybe you could take some time to look at pictures of happy smiling people having fun together. Get used to seeing naked bodies: your body, your partner's bodies, other people's bodies. Think about what you like. Think about how it makes you feel, how happy it makes you. Let "sex" become a word you see a lot, one that you don't always have to link with "babies". Most of all: enjoy.
posted by fight or flight at 2:43 PM on October 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
Let me explain: I was raised in a fairly liberal household with fairly liberal views about sex and sexuality, but it's only since discovering the concept of sex-positive pornography and erotica (some excellent (NSFW) examples from tumblr here, here and here) that I have started to feel truly comfortable with my sexuality. Maybe you could take some time to look at pictures of happy smiling people having fun together. Get used to seeing naked bodies: your body, your partner's bodies, other people's bodies. Think about what you like. Think about how it makes you feel, how happy it makes you. Let "sex" become a word you see a lot, one that you don't always have to link with "babies". Most of all: enjoy.
posted by fight or flight at 2:43 PM on October 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
You're married now. You're "allowed" to get pregnant!
And if you never want to get pregnant, get your tubes done and put all of this behind you.
posted by zadcat at 2:54 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
And if you never want to get pregnant, get your tubes done and put all of this behind you.
posted by zadcat at 2:54 PM on October 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
Another anecdata: a friend had an abortion while with the man she would later marry (and be with until his death many years later), and she said she never once regretted it. She said that the cavity she got filled the same day was by far the more painful medical appointment.
Of course most therapists would want to know about your issues with sex, because they want to help your life to be a happy and healthy place, and your sex (mis)education is seriously interfering with that. You deserve that happy and healthy life, so I encourage you to give therapy a try. It very much helped me.
posted by ldthomps at 2:59 PM on October 30, 2010
Of course most therapists would want to know about your issues with sex, because they want to help your life to be a happy and healthy place, and your sex (mis)education is seriously interfering with that. You deserve that happy and healthy life, so I encourage you to give therapy a try. It very much helped me.
posted by ldthomps at 2:59 PM on October 30, 2010
Do either of you EVER want kids? Because there's always sterilization if you don't.
posted by elsietheeel at 3:02 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by elsietheeel at 3:02 PM on October 30, 2010
My partner's vasectomy was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life.
posted by soviet sleepover at 3:12 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by soviet sleepover at 3:12 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, vasectomy + tubal ligation is pretty foolproof assurance against pregnancy.
posted by tristeza at 3:14 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by tristeza at 3:14 PM on October 30, 2010
The Mirena is more effective than sterilization, and doesn't rely on you to make sure there's no user error. It's also not invasive like permanent sterilization - you don't say if you think you'll ever want kids in the future, but Mirena is a good option either way. I really, really would look into it if it's anything you're willing to do.
posted by kpht at 3:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by kpht at 3:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
You may also be reassured by learning about your cycle and charting your fertility. You can avoid sex on the days you're most fertile. You may also feel more in control if you know how things work -- your body is not some mysterious and wild thing; it's actually quite understandable and predictable. Or predictably unpredictable, as the case may be.
posted by yarly at 2:26 PM on October 30 [+] [!]
Charting is great and all, but you can't chart if you're on hormonal birth control, and anonymous is using nuvaring. She doesn't have ANY fertile days.
posted by Violet Hour at 3:30 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by yarly at 2:26 PM on October 30 [+] [!]
Charting is great and all, but you can't chart if you're on hormonal birth control, and anonymous is using nuvaring. She doesn't have ANY fertile days.
posted by Violet Hour at 3:30 PM on October 30, 2010
I have hang-ups about that too. In my head, a normal therapist would kick me out of their office for talking about sex
Do you truly believe that marriage counselors, as an example, throw people out of their offices for talking about sex? They'd starve. Therapists are trained to discuss the hardest, most shocking, painful, difficult subjects. Sex, unless we're talking about abuse, is none of the above. There is almost no aspect of the human existence that doesn't intersect with sex in a way that is vital to one's general mental well-being. It almost never DOESN'T become part of the therapeutic conversation.
And that's not to imply that a therapist is going to be all, "Oh, whatever, lots of people went to Catholic school, get over it!" either. What has happened to you is not unusual, but it's serious and often requires professional intervention to reverse some of the damage done.
The emotional abuse that you have suffered regarding sex is real and affecting your life and you and your marriage are worth pursuing an improvement in that situation. People do it every single day, often with the assistance of a therapist.
And the beauty of it is that you can start the conversation with the information you posted, right down to the fact that you are squirming uncomfortable talking about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:37 PM on October 30, 2010
Do you truly believe that marriage counselors, as an example, throw people out of their offices for talking about sex? They'd starve. Therapists are trained to discuss the hardest, most shocking, painful, difficult subjects. Sex, unless we're talking about abuse, is none of the above. There is almost no aspect of the human existence that doesn't intersect with sex in a way that is vital to one's general mental well-being. It almost never DOESN'T become part of the therapeutic conversation.
And that's not to imply that a therapist is going to be all, "Oh, whatever, lots of people went to Catholic school, get over it!" either. What has happened to you is not unusual, but it's serious and often requires professional intervention to reverse some of the damage done.
The emotional abuse that you have suffered regarding sex is real and affecting your life and you and your marriage are worth pursuing an improvement in that situation. People do it every single day, often with the assistance of a therapist.
And the beauty of it is that you can start the conversation with the information you posted, right down to the fact that you are squirming uncomfortable talking about it.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:37 PM on October 30, 2010
As I was reading your question I immediately thought about how I can absolutely work myself into a panic about whether or not I remembered to a. turn off the coffee maker or b. lock the door before leaving the house. I guess what I'm saying it maybe work with a therapist on ways to work through with your anxiety. Rationally you probably know that you've made it this far through life not getting pregnant, but it's not the rational thoughts that cause the pregnancy panics.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 3:39 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 3:39 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had pretty much the same school experience. Try using a condom or sponge (or another barrier) along with your hormone contraceptive. Condoms can be fun, since they come in a lot of colors and shapes and can be very silly.
A normal therapist will not kick you out. In fact, that is who you should see. Your problems are not really sex related, but are affecting your sexuality. A normal therapist will help you work through your issues (which to me seem related around guilt and a bit of OCD).
posted by wandering_not_lost at 3:44 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
A normal therapist will not kick you out. In fact, that is who you should see. Your problems are not really sex related, but are affecting your sexuality. A normal therapist will help you work through your issues (which to me seem related around guilt and a bit of OCD).
posted by wandering_not_lost at 3:44 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
In addition to a lot of good advice above, what about a really practical statistical review. If you find statistics about failure of the various methods (especially if you combine 2+ methods) can you then find statistics about other things - lightning strikes, lottery tickets, shark attacks, whatever else scares you. Do a comparison about which is the more likely scenario and remind yourself of that. Then double up on birth control and if you still freak out, go buy a lottery ticket and stand outside near a metal pole in the rain.
What about writing out a worst case scenario? If you do get pregnant, what could you do? Have an abortion, or have the baby. What's the worst that can happen in those 2 cases? Could you raise a baby; how would your life change? Could you give it up for adoption? Could you abort? Once you write it all down, you'll see that it's not fire and brimstone and OMG HORROR SHOW.
One more thing - how's the rest of your Catholic life lately? Are you still going to church and following all the rest of the commandments? If not, then you should be able to figure out how to get over this. If so, well, that's a different problem.
posted by CathyG at 3:50 PM on October 30, 2010
What about writing out a worst case scenario? If you do get pregnant, what could you do? Have an abortion, or have the baby. What's the worst that can happen in those 2 cases? Could you raise a baby; how would your life change? Could you give it up for adoption? Could you abort? Once you write it all down, you'll see that it's not fire and brimstone and OMG HORROR SHOW.
One more thing - how's the rest of your Catholic life lately? Are you still going to church and following all the rest of the commandments? If not, then you should be able to figure out how to get over this. If so, well, that's a different problem.
posted by CathyG at 3:50 PM on October 30, 2010
Personal anecdote here. I had the same issue - mostly before I got married, but even now it still crosses my mind at that time of the month. A couple of things (some that have already been suggested) that helped me... We doubled up (condoms + BC). If you want to go one step further, you could see if your husband's doctor would prescribe him rapaflo--I heard it was being considered as a potential male birth control pill (inhibits ejaculation but not orgasm). My husband also bought me a bulk pack of pregnancy tests, so I could ease my concerns at any time. Over time, I stopped using them during the month, but I occasionally use one if I'm feeling anxious the day my period is due. What really helped was just time... I started realizing that every month I got worried, my worst fears never materialized. I originally felt that because I was being a "bad Catholic" - if BC methods could fail, they would fail for me. But that hasn't happened yet... if there were some kind of cosmic curse against me, it probably would have happened, and so far all the logical precautions have worked. If you find yourself too anxious to do it this way (i.e., give yourself the sex life you want and just become more comfortable with it over time), therapy sounds like a good way to go.
posted by Terriniski at 4:14 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Terriniski at 4:14 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
The bit about dates dumping her after they found out seems really improbable. A personal anecdote: I once learned a girl I was dating had had an abortion. As a result, I wanted to comfort her. I can't really imagine any ordinary sane man acting otherwise.
You most likely know all this already.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 5:01 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
You most likely know all this already.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 5:01 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think your most pressing problem is profound anxiety and you are manifesting it with the sex phobia. If you were a close friend of mine, I would tell you to 1. see a doctor and get a prescription -- doesn't have to be forever -- for anti-anxiety meds so you can at least think straight; 2. stop surfing this topic on the internet, like, pronto and completely; 3. wait until next week and post another AskMe about great books on sexuality so you can get comfortable with the topic and begin to re-program; 4. find some female-friendly porn, as suggested above; 5. shop around for a therapist that fits; 7. Mirena. Good Luck!
posted by thinkpiece at 5:04 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by thinkpiece at 5:04 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Oops, I meant 6. obvi.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:05 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by thinkpiece at 5:05 PM on October 30, 2010
A few points:
When I'm on hormonal birth control, I behave as though I'm pregnant. Even low doses don't work for me. Since you aren't having much sex anyway, it might be worthwhile (following a doctor's advice or the instructions) to look into. If you're fine with the hormones, Mirena might be a good option. I'm a big fan of getting my period so that I know everything is working. If you're the same way, the Nuva Ring plus condoms ("double dutch," as I hear it's called in Europe) is fine.
Here is an anecdote. Maybe if you seek out enough sex-positive anecdotes, you'll re-sex-ed yourself. I use condoms, have been having sex frequently for years, and have never gotten pregnant. On a couple of occasions, the condom has slipped, and I've gotten the morning after pill. You said you gravitate toward certain websites. Planned Parenthood is a well-known educational resource you can use.
I thought about this for a long time when I was having a similar debate with myself years ago (strong fear of having to deal with abortion - no Catholic guilt). I read some books with various perspectives, did a lot of pondering. For me, the answer is that we are built to have sex. Enjoy it, continue being responsible with birth control, and eventually you will have a history of occasions where you didn't get pregnant. Instead of a source of stress, sex can become a source of relief from stress.
I can think of several people who have had abortions. It is a traumatic experience, and then they go on to live happy, healthy lives. They are all loved. If you had an abortion, it would probably be emotionally difficult whether or not your husband was supportive. You would be ok; you would be loved.
posted by lover at 8:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I'm on hormonal birth control, I behave as though I'm pregnant. Even low doses don't work for me. Since you aren't having much sex anyway, it might be worthwhile (following a doctor's advice or the instructions) to look into. If you're fine with the hormones, Mirena might be a good option. I'm a big fan of getting my period so that I know everything is working. If you're the same way, the Nuva Ring plus condoms ("double dutch," as I hear it's called in Europe) is fine.
Here is an anecdote. Maybe if you seek out enough sex-positive anecdotes, you'll re-sex-ed yourself. I use condoms, have been having sex frequently for years, and have never gotten pregnant. On a couple of occasions, the condom has slipped, and I've gotten the morning after pill. You said you gravitate toward certain websites. Planned Parenthood is a well-known educational resource you can use.
I thought about this for a long time when I was having a similar debate with myself years ago (strong fear of having to deal with abortion - no Catholic guilt). I read some books with various perspectives, did a lot of pondering. For me, the answer is that we are built to have sex. Enjoy it, continue being responsible with birth control, and eventually you will have a history of occasions where you didn't get pregnant. Instead of a source of stress, sex can become a source of relief from stress.
I can think of several people who have had abortions. It is a traumatic experience, and then they go on to live happy, healthy lives. They are all loved. If you had an abortion, it would probably be emotionally difficult whether or not your husband was supportive. You would be ok; you would be loved.
posted by lover at 8:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Would a more effective method of birth control ease your anxiety? IUDs are nearly as effective as sterilization, and leave no room for user error.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:41 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 8:41 PM on October 30, 2010
In my head, a normal therapist would kick me out of their office for talking about sex and a sex therapist is just code for a guy who’s at best a pervert and at worst a rapist because even though I know better, I still can’t wrap my head around why anyone would want to be one if they weren’t a creep.
I don't know whether you "need" therapy or not, but I do know that as long as you have situations where there are the ideas that you acknowledge as crazy versus what you "know better" and recognize as rational and you are letting the crazy ideas dictate your actions, you will not make progress. Just to cover a few obvious points, 1) all "normal" therapists talk to some (I would guess most) of their patients about sex. Because sex is a normal part of life. 2) People become sex therapists for the same reason people become regular therapists, because they want to help people lead more fulfilling lives. 3) You understand there are lady therapists of both the "normal" and "sex" varieties, right? You don't try to convince your crazy brain that what you know is true is true, you just go to a therapist and see it firsthand.
I did quite a bit of therapy a while back and it helped. One of my things is, I can very easily become morbidly fixated on the worst case scenarios. Talking about it in therapy used to help a lot. Now it's something I need to help myself with, and it is particularly important as I am a father and I don't want my child's existence to be occluded under the shadow of my pathological, instinctive anxiety and pessimism.
You want to move through a fear, you have to confront it. You confront it by doing the thing you are afraid of and not allowing the reactions of fear to dictate your actions. For you this would mean not looking at information about birth control, not taking pregnancy tests. You teach yourself different. Sometimes it just makes you feel crazy anyway and you just deal with it anyway. Believe me, I deal with irrational shit from my brain every single day and if I let it push me around I would be (among other things) ruining my kid's life making him live inside my specter of irrational fear. Not good enough for him, not good enough for me. And over time it gets easier, over time you learn to tell the nagging little voice of "what if" to fuck right off. You learn the habit of going through the center of fearfulness and acting as if you aren't really bothered until most of the time you aren't. Whenever you give into fear - whenever you treat it as if it is actually happening, react to it, do things in response to it, you are feeding it, validating it, telling your mind you are right to be afraid even if the things you do prove there was nothing to be afraid of.
posted by nanojath at 10:08 PM on October 30, 2010
I don't know whether you "need" therapy or not, but I do know that as long as you have situations where there are the ideas that you acknowledge as crazy versus what you "know better" and recognize as rational and you are letting the crazy ideas dictate your actions, you will not make progress. Just to cover a few obvious points, 1) all "normal" therapists talk to some (I would guess most) of their patients about sex. Because sex is a normal part of life. 2) People become sex therapists for the same reason people become regular therapists, because they want to help people lead more fulfilling lives. 3) You understand there are lady therapists of both the "normal" and "sex" varieties, right? You don't try to convince your crazy brain that what you know is true is true, you just go to a therapist and see it firsthand.
I did quite a bit of therapy a while back and it helped. One of my things is, I can very easily become morbidly fixated on the worst case scenarios. Talking about it in therapy used to help a lot. Now it's something I need to help myself with, and it is particularly important as I am a father and I don't want my child's existence to be occluded under the shadow of my pathological, instinctive anxiety and pessimism.
You want to move through a fear, you have to confront it. You confront it by doing the thing you are afraid of and not allowing the reactions of fear to dictate your actions. For you this would mean not looking at information about birth control, not taking pregnancy tests. You teach yourself different. Sometimes it just makes you feel crazy anyway and you just deal with it anyway. Believe me, I deal with irrational shit from my brain every single day and if I let it push me around I would be (among other things) ruining my kid's life making him live inside my specter of irrational fear. Not good enough for him, not good enough for me. And over time it gets easier, over time you learn to tell the nagging little voice of "what if" to fuck right off. You learn the habit of going through the center of fearfulness and acting as if you aren't really bothered until most of the time you aren't. Whenever you give into fear - whenever you treat it as if it is actually happening, react to it, do things in response to it, you are feeding it, validating it, telling your mind you are right to be afraid even if the things you do prove there was nothing to be afraid of.
posted by nanojath at 10:08 PM on October 30, 2010
: " I also torture myself with message boards like this where it seems like everyone got pregnant while on hormonal birth control."
I know. I tortured myself by watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Please realize that these are not statistically probable cases. Hormonal contraceptive is something like 95% effective on average - for your chosen method, perhaps more. Try to avoid reading/watching these kinds of stories.
If sterilization is not for you because you DO want kids someday, what is the part of pregnancy that scares you? Is it not being ready for a child or is it the physical pregnancy and birth itself? Perhaps if it is the latter it would help to talk to your gynecologist?
posted by IndigoRain at 11:11 PM on October 30, 2010
I know. I tortured myself by watching "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Please realize that these are not statistically probable cases. Hormonal contraceptive is something like 95% effective on average - for your chosen method, perhaps more. Try to avoid reading/watching these kinds of stories.
If sterilization is not for you because you DO want kids someday, what is the part of pregnancy that scares you? Is it not being ready for a child or is it the physical pregnancy and birth itself? Perhaps if it is the latter it would help to talk to your gynecologist?
posted by IndigoRain at 11:11 PM on October 30, 2010
I also was raised Catholic, although I didn't get the miseducation you did (and for the record, y'all, not EVERY Catholic educator is this fucked-up when it comes to sex ed, m'kay?).
I also got nerves and jitters about "oh noes what if I get pregnant" when I was first sexually active -- and what helped me may help you. I was fortunate enough to first become sexually active in college -- at a huge urban university in a major city, during the late-80's, when they were making sexual health information available to us all every two and a half minutes.
So that's what I did -- I gavve myself accurate information. I CRAMMED myself with it. I went to the school health office and picked up EVERY bit of information they had about different kinds of contraception, and then I also went to the school library and got every bit of information they had in the school of medicine section. I read it all. I wrote things down. I made charts comparing the different contraception effectiveness rates. I wrote down the exact process for how to use each one, and the exact things that impaired each methods' effectiveness. Then I went even further and read up on how stress and other factors can affect the regularity of your menstrual cycle.
And then I sat with all that for a while, letting it sink in. Any time I felt a little twinge of "ooh, but what if when last night I..." I would go back to my notes and read it all over and over until I'd convinced myself that "come on, I'm worrying over nothing."
In your case, I would also talk to someone about therapy itself -- what kind of therapy is out there, what the ethics are, how therapists are trained to talk to clients who have anxieties about sexuality, etc.
Basically, I found that by giving myself a huge massive amount of information -- information from sources I did trust -- just the sheer amount of it made me start to believe it just a tiny bit, and the information wormed its way in through that crack and made me even more comfortable.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:53 AM on October 31, 2010
I also got nerves and jitters about "oh noes what if I get pregnant" when I was first sexually active -- and what helped me may help you. I was fortunate enough to first become sexually active in college -- at a huge urban university in a major city, during the late-80's, when they were making sexual health information available to us all every two and a half minutes.
So that's what I did -- I gavve myself accurate information. I CRAMMED myself with it. I went to the school health office and picked up EVERY bit of information they had about different kinds of contraception, and then I also went to the school library and got every bit of information they had in the school of medicine section. I read it all. I wrote things down. I made charts comparing the different contraception effectiveness rates. I wrote down the exact process for how to use each one, and the exact things that impaired each methods' effectiveness. Then I went even further and read up on how stress and other factors can affect the regularity of your menstrual cycle.
And then I sat with all that for a while, letting it sink in. Any time I felt a little twinge of "ooh, but what if when last night I..." I would go back to my notes and read it all over and over until I'd convinced myself that "come on, I'm worrying over nothing."
In your case, I would also talk to someone about therapy itself -- what kind of therapy is out there, what the ethics are, how therapists are trained to talk to clients who have anxieties about sexuality, etc.
Basically, I found that by giving myself a huge massive amount of information -- information from sources I did trust -- just the sheer amount of it made me start to believe it just a tiny bit, and the information wormed its way in through that crack and made me even more comfortable.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:53 AM on October 31, 2010
I'd second EmpressCallipygos's advice to replace your old sex ed with new sex ed and retrain your instincts about it. I found that The Story of V: A Natural History of Female Sexuality by Catherine Blackledge really helped me reframe my own raised-Christian perspective on sex and femininity.
For the mental bit: This is pretty classic anxiety. David Burns' book Feeling Good is recommended here all the time for this type of problem. He identifies some patterns of negative thought patterns that we often get stuck in, including:
These thoughts aren't true. They are mental traps. I'm also seeing another one he mentions:
Let this go. Who cares what you 'should' feel? This is what you feel. Let's work with it. You can only handle baby steps? Awesome, let's try baby steps.
- Block the message boards. No more!
- Buy pregnancy tests in bulk. Testing is not what you're trying solve; anxiety is what you're trying to solve. So you're allowed to test as often as you need to.
- Get a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. A lot of it focuses on depression, but it's just as applicable to anxiety. And do the exercises he mentions.
No one expects toddlers to get the hang of walking right away—they fall all the time and everyone claps for them for making the attempt! Yay for you even posting this question! And it's okay if you slip back into the old patterns for a bit: you made the attempt, and you can do it again and again until you get the hang of it.
posted by heatherann at 8:32 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
For the mental bit: This is pretty classic anxiety. David Burns' book Feeling Good is recommended here all the time for this type of problem. He identifies some patterns of negative thought patterns that we often get stuck in, including:
Jumping to conclusions: You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. Mind reading: Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. Fortune-telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, "I’m really going to blow it. What if I flunk?" If you’re depressed you may tell yourself, "I’ll never get better."I see these in your post. You are using mind-reading to assume that your husband would reject you if you had an abortion, despite his insistence to the contrary. You are using fortune-telling to predict that every sexual act will lead to pregnancy, no matter how many precautions you take. Not only that, you're fortune-telling that this is irreversible: You won't be able to find a therapist who you like, you keep going back to the same old message boards, this isn't getting better and won't ever get better.
These thoughts aren't true. They are mental traps. I'm also seeing another one he mentions:
Shoulds: Many people try to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they were delinquents who had to be punished before they could be expected to do anything. "I shouldn’t eat that doughnut." This usually doesn’t work because all these shoulds and musts make you feel rebellious and you get the urge to do just the opposite. Dr. Alber Ellis has called this "musterbation." I call it the "shouldy" approach to life.I'm hearing you frame things in a way that imply that you should be over this by now, your birth control and your marriage should ease your mind, and if you would just let it go and relax like a normal person...
Let this go. Who cares what you 'should' feel? This is what you feel. Let's work with it. You can only handle baby steps? Awesome, let's try baby steps.
- Block the message boards. No more!
- Buy pregnancy tests in bulk. Testing is not what you're trying solve; anxiety is what you're trying to solve. So you're allowed to test as often as you need to.
- Get a copy of Feeling Good by David Burns. A lot of it focuses on depression, but it's just as applicable to anxiety. And do the exercises he mentions.
No one expects toddlers to get the hang of walking right away—they fall all the time and everyone claps for them for making the attempt! Yay for you even posting this question! And it's okay if you slip back into the old patterns for a bit: you made the attempt, and you can do it again and again until you get the hang of it.
posted by heatherann at 8:32 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
I also torture myself with message boards like this where it seems like everyone got pregnant while on hormonal birth control.
Switch to reading TTC (= "trying to concieve") message boards like these. Read about people who've been trying naturally for years, people on their 5 try with Clomid and IUI, people giving up after 5 years and starting to research adoption.
No, it's not REAL therapy, but maybe it will help bring home the fact that you can't just, like, trip and get pregnant. Even if you were NOT on birth control, and even assuming that you and your husband are both as fertile as can be, you would only have about 2-3 fertile days a month where pregnancy is possible at all. If you have sex each of those days, I think the odds of pregnancy are still only about 30-40%. Those sperm have a rough gig, and only one egg to find.
posted by kestrel251 at 9:15 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
Switch to reading TTC (= "trying to concieve") message boards like these. Read about people who've been trying naturally for years, people on their 5 try with Clomid and IUI, people giving up after 5 years and starting to research adoption.
No, it's not REAL therapy, but maybe it will help bring home the fact that you can't just, like, trip and get pregnant. Even if you were NOT on birth control, and even assuming that you and your husband are both as fertile as can be, you would only have about 2-3 fertile days a month where pregnancy is possible at all. If you have sex each of those days, I think the odds of pregnancy are still only about 30-40%. Those sperm have a rough gig, and only one egg to find.
posted by kestrel251 at 9:15 AM on October 31, 2010 [1 favorite]
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