I don't cry over major stuff, but too much over minor stuff
October 28, 2010 8:17 PM Subscribe
Can I control my urge to cry in stressful or frustrating moments? or is it ok that I do?
Ok, so I've been worried that I cry too much too easily. for reference I'm 31 and female.
I searched "previous questions" and found this: http://ask.metafilter.com/137703/Im-such-a-crybaby-Is-this-okay which also led to another thread about how guys feel about girls crying. I was relieved to see that other women are like me, and I agree that there is a 'spectrum' of tear triggers. But I was dismayed that some guys feel that when we girls cry over the 'small stuff', its like we're crying wolf and we won't get honest affection from them when theres a real tragedy. A big reason I'm worried about this is I've been dating a guy for 3 months now and cried in front of him 3 times already (of the tears and sniffling variety, not full-blown sobs). They were all over 'small stuff': 1) I was cooking for him for the first time and the dish came out terrible and I was embarrassed. 2) I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours after working overtime and then he fell asleep during what was supposed to be a romantic just-us at my place movie night. 3) While hanging out with him my best friend called me crying with news that her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her..this in the same week another friend of mine found out she was being cheated on.
All three of these incidents were based on stress, frustration, disappointment and empathy. My boyfriend was sweet each time, and while he never freaked, he did seem a bit bewildered. I'm terrified though that he's gonna get sick of it, or think I'm picking a fight--yet I don't know how to control it!
The funny thing is I'm not such a cry baby when it comes to the major stuff, and as a child I never cried when I was injured or scared (it in fact kinda freaked out my mom that I was so stoic).
As an adult, I didn't cry when I was rear-ended and the asshole sped off with my bumper half off. I didn't cry when I got in a urban cycling accident and fractured my elbow. I didn't cry the one time I got laid off. I didn't cry when my longest running boyfriend broke up with me. I didn't cry when my dad collapsed in front of me and I had to take him to the hospital. I didn't cry when I was sexually assaulted (although I did years later when a friend and I swapped assault stories) and I didn't cry after a bar fight were some crazy bitch gave me a black eye (ok, I almost did there, but the free tequila shots from all the witnesses helped ;)
I also rarely cry at funerals and never cry at weddings..in fact I don't understand the 'happy' cry thing. Sappy movies and commercials don't get to me either. I am a 'bleeding heart' though when it come to helpless animals and children. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter but I got emotionally burnt out (there are just too many sad animals!). I also get emotional over the plight of gay youth, and cried like crazy last week after watching stuff about the recent rash of young suicides.
Soooooo, there it is. I guess my main question is is there a way to control these trivial tears? And if not, how can I get my boyfriend to feel assured that my crying does not mean that there is a catastrophe and hand..that its just a release?
Ok, so I've been worried that I cry too much too easily. for reference I'm 31 and female.
I searched "previous questions" and found this: http://ask.metafilter.com/137703/Im-such-a-crybaby-Is-this-okay which also led to another thread about how guys feel about girls crying. I was relieved to see that other women are like me, and I agree that there is a 'spectrum' of tear triggers. But I was dismayed that some guys feel that when we girls cry over the 'small stuff', its like we're crying wolf and we won't get honest affection from them when theres a real tragedy. A big reason I'm worried about this is I've been dating a guy for 3 months now and cried in front of him 3 times already (of the tears and sniffling variety, not full-blown sobs). They were all over 'small stuff': 1) I was cooking for him for the first time and the dish came out terrible and I was embarrassed. 2) I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours after working overtime and then he fell asleep during what was supposed to be a romantic just-us at my place movie night. 3) While hanging out with him my best friend called me crying with news that her boyfriend of 3 years broke up with her..this in the same week another friend of mine found out she was being cheated on.
All three of these incidents were based on stress, frustration, disappointment and empathy. My boyfriend was sweet each time, and while he never freaked, he did seem a bit bewildered. I'm terrified though that he's gonna get sick of it, or think I'm picking a fight--yet I don't know how to control it!
The funny thing is I'm not such a cry baby when it comes to the major stuff, and as a child I never cried when I was injured or scared (it in fact kinda freaked out my mom that I was so stoic).
As an adult, I didn't cry when I was rear-ended and the asshole sped off with my bumper half off. I didn't cry when I got in a urban cycling accident and fractured my elbow. I didn't cry the one time I got laid off. I didn't cry when my longest running boyfriend broke up with me. I didn't cry when my dad collapsed in front of me and I had to take him to the hospital. I didn't cry when I was sexually assaulted (although I did years later when a friend and I swapped assault stories) and I didn't cry after a bar fight were some crazy bitch gave me a black eye (ok, I almost did there, but the free tequila shots from all the witnesses helped ;)
I also rarely cry at funerals and never cry at weddings..in fact I don't understand the 'happy' cry thing. Sappy movies and commercials don't get to me either. I am a 'bleeding heart' though when it come to helpless animals and children. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter but I got emotionally burnt out (there are just too many sad animals!). I also get emotional over the plight of gay youth, and cried like crazy last week after watching stuff about the recent rash of young suicides.
Soooooo, there it is. I guess my main question is is there a way to control these trivial tears? And if not, how can I get my boyfriend to feel assured that my crying does not mean that there is a catastrophe and hand..that its just a release?
It's not that big a deal. I cry when I have to call customer service! (That's frustration crying.) I inevitably cry at weddings (but not as often at funerals). I cry at the Olympics and Hallmark commercials. It can be embarrassing, but it's hardly the end of the world.
My husband takes it in stride. He knows I have "loose tear ducts," as we call them in my family. Just tell him that your crying is from "stress, frustration, disappointment and empathy," and he'll probably get used to it. Over time he'll see that your tears aren't manipulative, just an involuntary reaction, and it'll just be part of who you are. My husband just hands me a kleenex and pats my shoulder.
(Unless -- if there was someone in his family, or an ex-girlfriend, who cried manipulatively, it may be difficult for him to understand your tears as just a thing ... but it doesn't sound like that's the situation.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:30 PM on October 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
My husband takes it in stride. He knows I have "loose tear ducts," as we call them in my family. Just tell him that your crying is from "stress, frustration, disappointment and empathy," and he'll probably get used to it. Over time he'll see that your tears aren't manipulative, just an involuntary reaction, and it'll just be part of who you are. My husband just hands me a kleenex and pats my shoulder.
(Unless -- if there was someone in his family, or an ex-girlfriend, who cried manipulatively, it may be difficult for him to understand your tears as just a thing ... but it doesn't sound like that's the situation.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:30 PM on October 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
hey, I sound a lot like you - I'm surprising stoic during crises, but I'll start bawling at small things.
In an ideal world, crying when stressed would be fine, but it's not. People (mainly guys, yeah) will look down at you as being "weak" or "blowing things out of proportion and playing the tears card".
I went through a period last year when things were tough and it was going to be NOT OKAY for me to cry during the day. I found that crying every night helped, even when I wasn't feeling particularly sad. I know that sounds terrible - "I cry myself to sleep every night" - but I think about it as letting out little bits of pressure every day, rather than letting it build up into a meltdown at an inopportune moment.
posted by estlin at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2010
In an ideal world, crying when stressed would be fine, but it's not. People (mainly guys, yeah) will look down at you as being "weak" or "blowing things out of proportion and playing the tears card".
I went through a period last year when things were tough and it was going to be NOT OKAY for me to cry during the day. I found that crying every night helped, even when I wasn't feeling particularly sad. I know that sounds terrible - "I cry myself to sleep every night" - but I think about it as letting out little bits of pressure every day, rather than letting it build up into a meltdown at an inopportune moment.
posted by estlin at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2010
Tears are not trivial. You are triggered by certain things. No one can say that those triggers are wrong, or bad, or stupid. Crying, to me, is one of the best ways to achieve catharsis in moments of stress. I agree that you should approach your boyfriend and just let him know that when you get frustrated, your default is to cry, and if he's patient and waits it out, you are more likely to be able to interface with him once you've cried yourself out.
posted by patronuscharms at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2010
posted by patronuscharms at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2010
I have flat-out bawled my eyes out at work and even there it has been OK. Basically, guys who have any decent amount of experience with women understand that we just do that sometimes.
One of the most amusing things I ever read was a blog post written by a male-to-female transsexual who had recently started hormone therapy. She wrote about how when she was a he, he'd been annoyed or bewildered about how much women cried, but now that he was becoming a she and getting injected with female hormones, she realized how much of it was just female brain chemistry and not some indicator of inherent weakness or deliberate manipulation.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:05 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
One of the most amusing things I ever read was a blog post written by a male-to-female transsexual who had recently started hormone therapy. She wrote about how when she was a he, he'd been annoyed or bewildered about how much women cried, but now that he was becoming a she and getting injected with female hormones, she realized how much of it was just female brain chemistry and not some indicator of inherent weakness or deliberate manipulation.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:05 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm like you -- there have been hardcore stressful situations which I've soldiered through with nary a sign of choking, but there are moments (... epic movie montages. any movie scene wherein children are not recognized by parents. some cell phone commercials for godssake) where I just. Can't. Help. It.
I've actually even had almost the same exact scenario you did: I made something for my boyfriend (a comfort food dish from both our cultures) for the first time, he tasted it, said totally neutrally that "there's a lot of X in this," and my face just crumpled into tears. (Coincidentally, watching his face while this happened was kind of funny: he had this incredibly stunned look and immediately went into default damage-control mode, spitting out "whatisitdididosomethingiloveyou" in the space of about 5 seconds.)
The thing is, sometimes I just know it's going to happen. I can feel it in the tightness in my throat and my face muscles. If I can get away from the stimulus quickly enough (like go decompress in another room by myself) and stop thinking about it, sometimes I can head it off, but other times, I just know it's going to come out.
After the food incident, I explained this to my boyfriend -- sometimes I get emotional or overtired and vulnerable, and even though I rationally know the world is not ending/a terrible place, it reaches a physiological point where my body just has to react, that it's not meant to manipulate, etc. I think it really helped him to understand that it's a physical process my body undergoes, and also that I intellectually acknowledge that it's "crazy"-seeming* even while it's happening.
Sometimes as I'm crying, I'll even say to him "sorry, it'll be fine, i just can't stop it right now" (I mean ... between gasping sobs). And actually I think that helped him too at the beginning. Now he's more used to it and just gives me what I need at the moment, which is usually just some cuddling/hugging plus a kleenex.
I think that (some) men just tend to feel helpless when they see a woman they're into cry, and the natural instinct for many of them is to try to "fix" whatever's wrong. Once he knows that you know there's nothing there to fix, it's easier for him to "ignore" the tears.
*I say "crazy-seeming" because I don't like to perpetuate the idea that crying or having emotion is "crazy" -- this is naturally the way I am, and it's not "abnormal" or whatever. For me, it'd be unhealthier to try to suppress it.
posted by alleycat01 at 9:05 PM on October 28, 2010
I've actually even had almost the same exact scenario you did: I made something for my boyfriend (a comfort food dish from both our cultures) for the first time, he tasted it, said totally neutrally that "there's a lot of X in this," and my face just crumpled into tears. (Coincidentally, watching his face while this happened was kind of funny: he had this incredibly stunned look and immediately went into default damage-control mode, spitting out "whatisitdididosomethingiloveyou" in the space of about 5 seconds.)
The thing is, sometimes I just know it's going to happen. I can feel it in the tightness in my throat and my face muscles. If I can get away from the stimulus quickly enough (like go decompress in another room by myself) and stop thinking about it, sometimes I can head it off, but other times, I just know it's going to come out.
After the food incident, I explained this to my boyfriend -- sometimes I get emotional or overtired and vulnerable, and even though I rationally know the world is not ending/a terrible place, it reaches a physiological point where my body just has to react, that it's not meant to manipulate, etc. I think it really helped him to understand that it's a physical process my body undergoes, and also that I intellectually acknowledge that it's "crazy"-seeming* even while it's happening.
Sometimes as I'm crying, I'll even say to him "sorry, it'll be fine, i just can't stop it right now" (I mean ... between gasping sobs). And actually I think that helped him too at the beginning. Now he's more used to it and just gives me what I need at the moment, which is usually just some cuddling/hugging plus a kleenex.
I think that (some) men just tend to feel helpless when they see a woman they're into cry, and the natural instinct for many of them is to try to "fix" whatever's wrong. Once he knows that you know there's nothing there to fix, it's easier for him to "ignore" the tears.
*I say "crazy-seeming" because I don't like to perpetuate the idea that crying or having emotion is "crazy" -- this is naturally the way I am, and it's not "abnormal" or whatever. For me, it'd be unhealthier to try to suppress it.
posted by alleycat01 at 9:05 PM on October 28, 2010
You've been in some scary situations where you didn't have an immediate emotional reaction. Trauma and stress from situations like that often comes out in one way or another eventually. Some people get sick more often, some people cry more- it's really individual. It's entirely possible that it's taking less to trigger you than it used to because you've never really processed the big emotional baggage. I remember that when I first started therapy, I didn't think I had a ton to talk about, but I sobbed through the first few sessions, just because I was finally letting some of the big stuff go. Now, it takes a little more to get to that pool of emotion. Maybe having a professional to talk to would be useful?
posted by emilyd22222 at 9:06 PM on October 28, 2010
posted by emilyd22222 at 9:06 PM on October 28, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for the comments so far! I forgot to mention that my ex used to FREAK when I would cry during similar situations, and when he broke up with me he cited it, saying I made him feel like a 'monster' (even though the majority of the reasons causing me to cry had nothing to do with him). So yeah, worrying about the reaction of guys does make it even worse--I have definitely felt embarrassed for crying and thus crying even more out of disappointment with myself!
I'm so glad though that my current boyfriend is so cool about it, and my heart is bursting right now thinking that maybe he'll stick around despite my "leaks"! :D
posted by hellameangirl at 9:07 PM on October 28, 2010
I'm so glad though that my current boyfriend is so cool about it, and my heart is bursting right now thinking that maybe he'll stick around despite my "leaks"! :D
posted by hellameangirl at 9:07 PM on October 28, 2010
Oh, yeah -- and once I started hormonal birth control, I suddenly started realizing what an incredible impact hormones have on your emotion/emotional control. I mean, the hormones had been there all along, but it wasn't until I started paying attention to my mood and emotions (trying to track if the BC I was using was having any impact on me) that I realized there are certain times of the month when I'm more trigger-happy with tears &more easily overwhelmed.
On preview, what Jacqueline said about the MTF blog she read: It really is just brain chemistry. (Hence my stubborn insistence on not calling it "not normal" or "crazy" as a reaction -- this is just the way I am/some people are naturally made and there's nothing wrong with it.)
posted by alleycat01 at 9:10 PM on October 28, 2010
On preview, what Jacqueline said about the MTF blog she read: It really is just brain chemistry. (Hence my stubborn insistence on not calling it "not normal" or "crazy" as a reaction -- this is just the way I am/some people are naturally made and there's nothing wrong with it.)
posted by alleycat01 at 9:10 PM on October 28, 2010
I used to have a problem with crying when I got really angry--not an optimal form of expression in business situations. I was surprised that, after I started taking an SSRI for unrelated reasons, the uncontrollable weepies totally disappeared. It was a huge relief to be able to feel and express emotions without fear of embarrassing myself. This might be worth consideration if the problem is more than trivial for you.
posted by Corvid at 9:13 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Corvid at 9:13 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
I cry when I get frustrated and don't know how to get something to work and have gotten to the point where I just can't figure it out on my own and I have to ask someone for help. I think it is totally stupid and annoying, and as much as I want it to stop sometimes it just doesn't happen. And it almost never happens when I'm alone. Maybe you could just let him know that there is a part of you that realizes that this crying is not entirely sensical, but it kind of just . . . happens.
For me having someone ask me if I need anything, having someone want to talk it out with me only makes it worse, so I would also say "Okay, it looks like I'm horribly upset when this is happening, but it's really not that bad. Don't try to ask me what's wrong or whatever, because that never helps--just change the subject or make me laugh or if it's a situation where I'm confused and you know how to help, then help. It's . . . kind of stupid, but it's the way things are."
posted by that girl at 9:20 PM on October 28, 2010
For me having someone ask me if I need anything, having someone want to talk it out with me only makes it worse, so I would also say "Okay, it looks like I'm horribly upset when this is happening, but it's really not that bad. Don't try to ask me what's wrong or whatever, because that never helps--just change the subject or make me laugh or if it's a situation where I'm confused and you know how to help, then help. It's . . . kind of stupid, but it's the way things are."
posted by that girl at 9:20 PM on October 28, 2010
Response by poster: thanks Emilyd, yeah I agree with you and actually I did do weekly therapy for a year. It was a couple years after the assault when I finally realized "hey, that was a big deal, I should talk to someone". It was good that I did, but I rarely could cry in session, and I actually got quite frustrated with the doctor for trying to *make* me cry in session. I also felt like he was turning me against my parents. Any way, I'm grateful for it but yet don't really want to do it again. Maybe I quit too soon? Not sure.
posted by hellameangirl at 9:24 PM on October 28, 2010
posted by hellameangirl at 9:24 PM on October 28, 2010
I dunno. What you do sounds totally normal to me. I thought the question was going to be about not being able to deal in, say, a work situation where you have to hang in there. But your thought process sounds like "this bewilders my boyfriend, so is there something wrong with me?" I understand seeking an outside opinion and all so I'm not criticizing that you asked, but I mostly feel like, well, come back to us when it's actually a problem for you, you know? Like, who cares if he's bewildered? You don't have to get him to feel okay about it; you just have to decide that it's what you do and you're fine with it, and he will adjust on his own. Or not. But probably. I'm sorry you had such a bad past experience in this area with someone. I've dated several guys who were totally comfortable with tears. A lot of people out there respond in a very nurturing or concerned way.
posted by salvia at 10:34 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 10:34 PM on October 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh the 'hormones' front, I always know I'm PMSing because I start going, "What the heck? Why am I crying? Dinner is slightly burnt, so I'm crying??" I find it helps a lot to actually be honest about that - I usually admit that hey, I know it's nothing, I'm just stressed/hormonal/whatever and my eyes are leaking but I'm not distraught or anything! Sometimes I'll mention that I've been kinda stressed, and mentioning that you cry easily helps a lot too.
Especially if you're worried about your boyfriend's reaction that should help a lot - making sure that he knows that you're just stressed and it's not his fault it's not a signal that your world is falling apart. That way instead of thinking, "Oh no I've made her miserable by falling asleep on our date night and now she's distraught and I've ruined everything," (i.e. feeling like a monster) it gives him another way to handle it and understand the situation.
posted by Lady Li at 10:40 PM on October 28, 2010
Especially if you're worried about your boyfriend's reaction that should help a lot - making sure that he knows that you're just stressed and it's not his fault it's not a signal that your world is falling apart. That way instead of thinking, "Oh no I've made her miserable by falling asleep on our date night and now she's distraught and I've ruined everything," (i.e. feeling like a monster) it gives him another way to handle it and understand the situation.
posted by Lady Li at 10:40 PM on October 28, 2010
I don't do this much, but I wish I didn't do it at all. Back when I wasn't single, I used to just flatly state "damn it I'm leaking again". I couldn't always stop or prevent the tears, but I could always laugh at them (when they were truly ridiculous).
posted by nat at 11:39 PM on October 28, 2010
posted by nat at 11:39 PM on October 28, 2010
Another datapoint saying that you're Totally Normal. I cry when stressed out or upset over little things all the time - I recently erupted into tears when my printer was jammed - but when I am really, genuinely sad I'm just silent.
I've found that trying not to cry is actually the worst thing to do because it's really, really hard. You just have to let it out. If I'm in a public situation where it's not the best thing to do, I take a washroom break. But in front of your friends or boyfriend it shouldn't be embarrassing.
You have to tell your boyfriend something like "Hey, I know this isn't a huge deal and I'm not really devastated - I'm just stressed/overwhelmed/tired and I can't help crying. Please understand thx."
posted by vanitas at 12:33 AM on October 29, 2010
I've found that trying not to cry is actually the worst thing to do because it's really, really hard. You just have to let it out. If I'm in a public situation where it's not the best thing to do, I take a washroom break. But in front of your friends or boyfriend it shouldn't be embarrassing.
You have to tell your boyfriend something like "Hey, I know this isn't a huge deal and I'm not really devastated - I'm just stressed/overwhelmed/tired and I can't help crying. Please understand thx."
posted by vanitas at 12:33 AM on October 29, 2010
People cry sometimes, and that's fine, but you should be sure you're not using it as a bargaining chip/method of manipulation EVER. If you are having a heated discussion with somebody and feel like you're going to cry, apologize but then excuse yourself and cry alone.
2) I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours after working overtime and then he fell asleep during what was supposed to be a romantic just-us at my place movie night
This is a good example of when NOT to cry. You can of course be frustrated and disappointed and express this to him, but crying is just going to escalate the discussion from disappointment to emotional blackmail (e.g. "if you don't do exactly what i want when i want i will cry" [which will probably result in you feeling like a monster for having caused it])
posted by beerbajay at 2:31 AM on October 29, 2010
2) I was stuck in traffic for 2 hours after working overtime and then he fell asleep during what was supposed to be a romantic just-us at my place movie night
This is a good example of when NOT to cry. You can of course be frustrated and disappointed and express this to him, but crying is just going to escalate the discussion from disappointment to emotional blackmail (e.g. "if you don't do exactly what i want when i want i will cry" [which will probably result in you feeling like a monster for having caused it])
posted by beerbajay at 2:31 AM on October 29, 2010
There are different kinds of crying and with practice, one can distinguish between them. One kind that you should become aware of is when you're actually angry but feel unsafe to express it so you unconsciously turn it into crying which is manipulative. This is what beerbajay is talking about above.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:27 AM on October 29, 2010
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:27 AM on October 29, 2010
Please remember that when you cry you're releasing your emotions and making yourself feel better, but your partner gains a surge of emotions which he can't really do anything about. When women cry, men want to fix, even if they know better and are quite willing to just hold you and empathise, that desire, the emotion of fixing, is still there.
So if it is just a little thing and you need to have a cry to feel better, when you're done, please, help a guy out, ask for something. It's stupid, but if I can grab a cold washcloth and some water for my partner, the emotion of fixing is satisfied and I don't continue to feel all keyed up.
posted by fido~depravo at 5:24 AM on October 29, 2010
So if it is just a little thing and you need to have a cry to feel better, when you're done, please, help a guy out, ask for something. It's stupid, but if I can grab a cold washcloth and some water for my partner, the emotion of fixing is satisfied and I don't continue to feel all keyed up.
posted by fido~depravo at 5:24 AM on October 29, 2010
I have always cried easily and finally came to the conclusion that this is how my body releases energy. Once I 'got' that, I didn't feel ashamed any longer. And if I feel overwhelmed, I take myself off to the bathroom, cry and cry and get it out, wash my face and come on back. :)
posted by Mysticalchick at 5:48 AM on October 29, 2010
posted by Mysticalchick at 5:48 AM on October 29, 2010
"I forgot to mention that my ex used to FREAK when I would cry during similar situations, and when he broke up with me he cited it, saying I made him feel like a 'monster' (even though the majority of the reasons causing me to cry had nothing to do with him)."
Okay, yeah, this has WAY more to do with your ex-boyfriend than your current boyfriend. Not all men are like this. I dated plenty of guys and while a couple were like, "stop! crying!" most figured out pretty quickly that, hey, Eyebrows cries a lot, it doesn't mean anything.
"So yeah, worrying about the reaction of guys does make it even worse--I have definitely felt embarrassed for crying and thus crying even more out of disappointment with myself!"
And, yes, sometimes when one is stressed about something related to one's relationship or tangentially touching on it, it is impossible to have that necessary conversation without tears -- I have a tendency to get teary in financial discussions, even when they're not "bad," just because it's an automatic stress point for me -- but a guy you've built a solid relationship with, who knows you're a crier, will give you a pass on this. My husband doesn't feel great when I do this, but he also knows I'm mortified it's happening and, from long experience, that I'm not crying because of HIM, I'm crying because that's what I do when I get super-stressed about certain things. We sit there, he hands me kleenex and tries very hard to ignore that I'm crying, and I take a lot of deep breaths to try to get my sentences out, and he tries to be very patient while I do that. Once I get a few sentences out and the world doesn't end, the crying usually stops. Afterward we usually snuggle just so he knows I wasn't crying at him.
And Lord do I know the embarrassment tears -- I was doing a couch-to-5K and had a problem with my feet on an early run that was SO painful I started tearing up a little from actual pain and had to stop to walk (and of course walking hurt like a mofo too), and the nicer people were about it, the more I cried because I was embarrassed they were seeing me cry b/c my feet hurt ... by the time I got back to my car, I was almost sobbing from embarrassment of people seeing me cry and hardly at all about my feet! It was HORRIBLE. But really, everyone else was perfectly nice and sympathetic and didn't think anything of it. It was just me that was embarrassed. (But you know what? I haven't embarrassed-cried with my husband in years, because I know he accepts my tears and doesn't think it's that big a deal, so after all this time I'm able to not cry more because I'm crying.)
There is a great episode of the show "Friends" where Rachel is at work and she's stressed about approaching her boss, and she's trying to have a serious conversation with her boss (about a raise or promotion or some disciplinary thing or something like that) and starts crying. And she sobs (as close as I can remember): "These are not tears of anger, or sadness. These are just tears of having this conversation." I laughed and laughed and laughed because I have cried "tears of having this conversation" more times than I can count. Enough people go through it that it gets to be on a sitcom!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:58 AM on October 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, yeah, this has WAY more to do with your ex-boyfriend than your current boyfriend. Not all men are like this. I dated plenty of guys and while a couple were like, "stop! crying!" most figured out pretty quickly that, hey, Eyebrows cries a lot, it doesn't mean anything.
"So yeah, worrying about the reaction of guys does make it even worse--I have definitely felt embarrassed for crying and thus crying even more out of disappointment with myself!"
And, yes, sometimes when one is stressed about something related to one's relationship or tangentially touching on it, it is impossible to have that necessary conversation without tears -- I have a tendency to get teary in financial discussions, even when they're not "bad," just because it's an automatic stress point for me -- but a guy you've built a solid relationship with, who knows you're a crier, will give you a pass on this. My husband doesn't feel great when I do this, but he also knows I'm mortified it's happening and, from long experience, that I'm not crying because of HIM, I'm crying because that's what I do when I get super-stressed about certain things. We sit there, he hands me kleenex and tries very hard to ignore that I'm crying, and I take a lot of deep breaths to try to get my sentences out, and he tries to be very patient while I do that. Once I get a few sentences out and the world doesn't end, the crying usually stops. Afterward we usually snuggle just so he knows I wasn't crying at him.
And Lord do I know the embarrassment tears -- I was doing a couch-to-5K and had a problem with my feet on an early run that was SO painful I started tearing up a little from actual pain and had to stop to walk (and of course walking hurt like a mofo too), and the nicer people were about it, the more I cried because I was embarrassed they were seeing me cry b/c my feet hurt ... by the time I got back to my car, I was almost sobbing from embarrassment of people seeing me cry and hardly at all about my feet! It was HORRIBLE. But really, everyone else was perfectly nice and sympathetic and didn't think anything of it. It was just me that was embarrassed. (But you know what? I haven't embarrassed-cried with my husband in years, because I know he accepts my tears and doesn't think it's that big a deal, so after all this time I'm able to not cry more because I'm crying.)
There is a great episode of the show "Friends" where Rachel is at work and she's stressed about approaching her boss, and she's trying to have a serious conversation with her boss (about a raise or promotion or some disciplinary thing or something like that) and starts crying. And she sobs (as close as I can remember): "These are not tears of anger, or sadness. These are just tears of having this conversation." I laughed and laughed and laughed because I have cried "tears of having this conversation" more times than I can count. Enough people go through it that it gets to be on a sitcom!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:58 AM on October 29, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm surprising stoic during crises, but I'll start bawling at small things
Count me in this group too. I found a way to refrain from crying when I absolutely do not want to cry: I either squeeze my nails in my palm firmly enough to serve as distraction or I hold in my hand a sharpish object, such as a ballpoint cap or a jack. It seems to work for me, and I do it when I start to tear up.
posted by francesca too at 6:10 AM on October 29, 2010
Count me in this group too. I found a way to refrain from crying when I absolutely do not want to cry: I either squeeze my nails in my palm firmly enough to serve as distraction or I hold in my hand a sharpish object, such as a ballpoint cap or a jack. It seems to work for me, and I do it when I start to tear up.
posted by francesca too at 6:10 AM on October 29, 2010
I am another person who is very much like you. I am good in a crisis - something about the gravity of the situation makes a higher-level control mechanism kick into gear so I can TAKE ACTION. But in daily life, I cry ALL THE DAMNED TIME, and not just over sad stuff. The way I've explained it to other people is that when I feel "too much" of ANYTHING, the extra emotional pressure can spill over into tears. Most guys have been quite understanding (especially when I've explained, "It's not you, it's my brain!").
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:35 AM on October 29, 2010
posted by julthumbscrew at 6:35 AM on October 29, 2010
I cry when overwhelmed mostly. Between my husband and myself, it's almost a point of humor (gentle humor). I tell him that I think I might need a good cry and he'll sit with me quietly and not try to problem-solve anything, but just let me release it. It doesn't bother him at all because I've let him know that it's just something I need to do sometimes. I usually feel much better afterwards. Maybe you could tell your boyfriend that it's just something you do and let him know not to worry about you while it's happening.
posted by kirst27 at 7:58 AM on October 29, 2010
posted by kirst27 at 7:58 AM on October 29, 2010
...This is a good example of when NOT to cry. You can of course be frustrated and disappointed and express this to him, but crying is just going to escalate the discussion from disappointment to emotional blackmail
Beerbajay, not to call you out or anything (honestly), but I think that the whole point of this thread is that sometimes you can't decide when to cry or not to cry. Of course you're correct that crying should never be used to manipulate, but many women (including the OP) already worry about our tears being seen as "emotional blackmail." I think the point that many commentors above are making is that if it's biological and you actually can't control it, then you have to learn how to handle the situation because it's going to happen. And if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, it's part of their job to understand why you react that way also. The burden is on both people in any relationship: I try not to cry because I know it makes him feel uncomfortable and impotent; but if I do, he tries to understand where I'm coming from and react according to my intentions, which are not manipulative.
posted by alleycat01 at 8:38 AM on October 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
Beerbajay, not to call you out or anything (honestly), but I think that the whole point of this thread is that sometimes you can't decide when to cry or not to cry. Of course you're correct that crying should never be used to manipulate, but many women (including the OP) already worry about our tears being seen as "emotional blackmail." I think the point that many commentors above are making is that if it's biological and you actually can't control it, then you have to learn how to handle the situation because it's going to happen. And if you're going to be in a relationship with someone, it's part of their job to understand why you react that way also. The burden is on both people in any relationship: I try not to cry because I know it makes him feel uncomfortable and impotent; but if I do, he tries to understand where I'm coming from and react according to my intentions, which are not manipulative.
posted by alleycat01 at 8:38 AM on October 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
Alleycat01, EXACTLY. I started taking hormonal birth control at age 27, and I did not realize before how much hormones affect my brain chemistry. But now, for a few days a month, I will be much more emotional, tearful, and prone to anger. Once I realize that, hey, it's just hormones and brain stuff, it is almost like it loses its power over me. But before I realize it's hormones? Oh man. I will cry when I'm frustrated or overwhelmed, and weep over pictures of kitties or happy stories about anything.
Crying is totally normal, and different things can set people off. You're not weird for crying over daily frustrations, and it might help to just tell your boyfriend that sometimes you have to have a cry. That way, when it does happen he won't blame himself or get too freaked out.
posted by zoetrope at 11:18 AM on October 29, 2010
Crying is totally normal, and different things can set people off. You're not weird for crying over daily frustrations, and it might help to just tell your boyfriend that sometimes you have to have a cry. That way, when it does happen he won't blame himself or get too freaked out.
posted by zoetrope at 11:18 AM on October 29, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks alleycat for responding to Beerbajay. That miffed me a bit because if I was crying to be manipulative then why would I consider it a problem? Manipulative people don't anonymously ask for help do they? I honestly cannot control it and in that particular situation (the night he fell asleep) I was just as surprised by the tears as my boyfriend! (I wasn't being noisy but we were cuddling and I guess he felt my wet face against his chest and woke up). In fact I think subconsciously I felt safe to cry because he was asleep..and when he woke up I assured him I wasn't mad at him.
Anyway, thanks for all the reassurance and the laughs! I'll try and go easier on myself over this!
posted by hellameangirl at 4:27 PM on October 29, 2010
Anyway, thanks for all the reassurance and the laughs! I'll try and go easier on myself over this!
posted by hellameangirl at 4:27 PM on October 29, 2010
Crying is less about why YOU do it and more about the reactions it elicits in observers. When people see you cry, they automatically interpret what it 'means'. Managing non-solo crying is difficult for this reason... no matter what you say, or how you say it, others see you through the filter of their own experience.
Of course, I am not talking about instances where interpretation flies out the window- after a car wreck, or if you drop an anvil on your foot- no one will question you. But just.. crying? Different animal. It's OK to laugh for no reason, or for random or odd reasons. But in our culture, crying must be justified. To me this is ridiculous. It's just another manifestation of emotion that's gotten a bum psychological rap.
I cried the other day while walking the dog. The song on my iPod, the dying light on the leaf piles, the sense of loss... tears came and would not stop. Some neighbors saw me and God knows what they thought. Having to justify crying is often more upsetting than the triggering circumstances. I was glad to not have to talk. But sometimes you have to say something.
In a good-space, calm moment, ask your boyfriend how it makes him feel when you cry. Does it spur him to action? Is he disgusted? Do you appear weak to him? Does he want to make it all better/protect you/avenge you? Is he capable of understanding that crying is just as valid an emotional response as laughing? Reassure him that you will always tell him if crying requires a follow-up from him, but to not assume one is expected.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:04 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Of course, I am not talking about instances where interpretation flies out the window- after a car wreck, or if you drop an anvil on your foot- no one will question you. But just.. crying? Different animal. It's OK to laugh for no reason, or for random or odd reasons. But in our culture, crying must be justified. To me this is ridiculous. It's just another manifestation of emotion that's gotten a bum psychological rap.
I cried the other day while walking the dog. The song on my iPod, the dying light on the leaf piles, the sense of loss... tears came and would not stop. Some neighbors saw me and God knows what they thought. Having to justify crying is often more upsetting than the triggering circumstances. I was glad to not have to talk. But sometimes you have to say something.
In a good-space, calm moment, ask your boyfriend how it makes him feel when you cry. Does it spur him to action? Is he disgusted? Do you appear weak to him? Does he want to make it all better/protect you/avenge you? Is he capable of understanding that crying is just as valid an emotional response as laughing? Reassure him that you will always tell him if crying requires a follow-up from him, but to not assume one is expected.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:04 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
That miffed me a bit because if I was crying to be manipulative then why would I consider it a problem?
Sorry, my answer was a bit indelicately worded; what I meant was that regardless of whether or not you can control your crying or not, it affects the discourse. And regardless of whether or not your partner is understanding, it affects him and his ability to interact with you in a positive way in these situations. There is a really heavy societal weight put on crying, and even though your partner (and I) can recognize someone who cries easily, it still affects us. And what I was trying to get at in my previous comment is that you need to recognize the situations where your crying can be misread or misinterpreted.
Crying about your friend breaking up, or about messing up a dinner is pretty neutral with respect to your partner and it's easy for him to be understanding there. But when those tears are caused by something he's done (or not done), it's a lot harder to ignore all of the societal associations of crying and be understanding instead. So what I was trying to say is that you need to distinguish these for yourself and avoid putting the responsibility for "correctly" interpreting your emotional state on your partner because sooner or later, he's going to do it wrong and this can lead to him feeling bad about himself or feeling like you're manipulating him. I agree with alleycat01 that the ultimate burden is on both people, but you can do a lot to lessen that burden.
posted by beerbajay at 4:36 AM on October 31, 2010
Sorry, my answer was a bit indelicately worded; what I meant was that regardless of whether or not you can control your crying or not, it affects the discourse. And regardless of whether or not your partner is understanding, it affects him and his ability to interact with you in a positive way in these situations. There is a really heavy societal weight put on crying, and even though your partner (and I) can recognize someone who cries easily, it still affects us. And what I was trying to get at in my previous comment is that you need to recognize the situations where your crying can be misread or misinterpreted.
Crying about your friend breaking up, or about messing up a dinner is pretty neutral with respect to your partner and it's easy for him to be understanding there. But when those tears are caused by something he's done (or not done), it's a lot harder to ignore all of the societal associations of crying and be understanding instead. So what I was trying to say is that you need to distinguish these for yourself and avoid putting the responsibility for "correctly" interpreting your emotional state on your partner because sooner or later, he's going to do it wrong and this can lead to him feeling bad about himself or feeling like you're manipulating him. I agree with alleycat01 that the ultimate burden is on both people, but you can do a lot to lessen that burden.
posted by beerbajay at 4:36 AM on October 31, 2010
There appears to be a pill soon to be marketed for a related condition. If you read the NYTimes article, it suggests that a dose of cough medicine might be enough if you expect to have to control some crying.
posted by OmieWise at 8:36 AM on November 1, 2010
posted by OmieWise at 8:36 AM on November 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think that worrying about it too much is just going to aggravate the problem -- more stress will just make you feel MORE overwhelmed. You might be better served by taking a few minutes to sit by yourself, take some deep breaths, and calm down at your own pace, rather than trying to force yourself not to have a reaction at all.
Explain to your boyfriend that sometimes you just get a little stressed out. If he's worth keeping around, he'll give you a hug and do what he can to help you relax a little.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:26 PM on October 28, 2010