Is it possible to enjoy sex together?
October 25, 2010 2:22 PM Subscribe
Advice on how to parlay my non-normal sexuality into a normal sex life? (NSFW, obviously, and long, sorry.)
I am female, in my mid-30s, married to husband #2. We have two young children together. Aside from the normal squabbles of two people who live together, we generally get along quite well. We love each other, are faithful, and are 100% committed to staying together. The problem? We have had sex maybe 5 times in the past two years.
I've come to realize the problem is mine. I'm not an asexual person -- I enjoy porn (alone), masturbate frequently (always with a vibrator), and I have an active fantasy life. In general, I'm attracted to my husband -- I like the way he looks and smells, and I enjoy some types of physical affection such as hugging. However, my strange combination of hangups, desires and past experiences have made a normal sex life seem like an impossibility, and it's causing a lot of heartache for both of us.
A not-so-brief summary of the aforementioned...
Hangups: I feel very bad about myself physically. While I think I'm generally okay-looking, I've let myself gain way too much weight since getting married and having babies, and I feel gross as a result. I'm always paranoid about how my husband is perceiving me when he touches me (eww, he just brushed over a handful of fat! did I miss a spot shaving? I know my skin is dry right there!) and, as a result, I simply can't enjoy being touched (needless to say, I don't enjoy receiving oral either, though that is nothing new). I worry I'm always being evaluated for every little imperfection, even though my husband has never said one unkind thing to me and truly does seem to enjoy me even in my current state. My husband tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, hot, and that he loves my body and loves touching me. It doesn't help. In fact, my head is so screwed up that compliments feel like pressure to me. I don't like being told nice things when I don't feel those things about myself. I also don't like being told it's okay not to be perfect and that he loves me the way I am because it's just a reminder that I'm not as good as I could (and therefore should) be. I am a little put off by the desperation he seems to feel to make me feel good about myself. This kind of kindness, especially in a sexual setting, makes me bristle. Which brings me to --
Desires: I've long been a submissive type, much into being controlled in a psychological/mental sense. I'm not interested in most aspects of BDSM because I don't care for physical restraints or things of that sense. Most of the BDSM sites/books I've read -- and I've read a lot -- seem more focused on the "trappings," whereas I've always been into the mind control aspects of it over anything else. It's worth noting, though, that in my early 20s I stumbled across some BDSM stuff online and was very turned on at that time, maybe because I realized that sex didn't necessarily have to be romantic to be satisfying -- after a while, though, I realized that ropes and whips and stuff wasn't my cup of tea, I just wanted someone strong and controlling. My most emotionally intense relationship ever, by a mile, was an online relationship with a highly dominant (though not in a BDSM sense) man -- I felt like he truly "got" me, imperfections and all, and demanded the best out of me while making me "earn" his sexual interest, which was intoxicating to me. My most physically intense encounter was with a highly dominant man that a female acquaintance and I picked up in a club, after which a threesome ensued -- it wasn't so much the physical enjoyment of it, I don't think, but just the excitement of doing something that many people would find hot and taboo. I fantasize about things I can't even fathom discussing with my husband (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping, etc -- even the porn I seek out is largely about women being objectified). I did try, years ago, broaching the subject of D/s with my husband, but that was a rocky period for us and he shied away pretty quickly. He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
Past experiences: Probably significant is the fact that, as a child, I was sexually molested by another child, at which point I began seeking out sexual materials. I was promiscuous for a while in college, until I met and began dating the man who would become my first husband. He and I had a crappy sex life, too, at least during the early "good" part of our relationship. Our sex life actually improved as our relationship deteriorated -- he eventually became pretty emotionally cold and distant, and eventually cheated on me, giving me the excuse to call it quits -- but the sex was pretty good at this point. It's almost as though the less my husband liked me, the more I liked the sex.
Fast forward to my current marriage, which, again, is good in many ways. Our sex life started out good, too -- from literally our first night together the sex was frequent and enjoyable (in retrospect, I think it was the novelty and excitement of being "dirty" with someone I barely knew). The burdens of life got in the way, though, and my husband's confidence in himself waned, as did my own self-image. I think, too, that perhaps I just don't view sex the same way within a committed relationship as most people do. Sex is not about love for me -- I like it dirty and illicit, not loving and tender.
I feel really bad about all of this, because my poor husband deserves better -- he's kind, gentle, accepting, and everything I want and need in a partner EXCEPT in a sexual sense. I feel guilty that none of the standard "improve your sex life advice" would work for us -- I don't want to be sweet-talked or touched tenderly, or to have attention lavished on me. (Nor do I enjoy the prospect of guiding him to be more dominant -- that seems so backward to me I can't even stomach it.) When gentleness and romance are repellent to me, and yet my husband doesn't seem to fit into my fantasy life (and truly, I'm not sure how a loving husband CAN fit into the kind of sexual relationship I crave), AND I feel crummy about myself in general, where do I begin to fix this? Honestly, at this point if there were a way to just have sex without any extraneous touching (insert tab A into slot B, basically) and "get it over with" so that my husband wasn't totally deprived, I think I'd be cool with that. But he honestly -- and understandably -- wants his wife to experience pleasure and satisfaction too, and so I need to get over this problem.
I realize the best option would probably be a sex therapist, and that is a future goal. However, for now, it isn't possible, so please limit your advice to suggesting books, thinking exercises, or other self-help methods that I can explore on my own -- or perhaps with my partner -- for the time-being. Thank you.
I am female, in my mid-30s, married to husband #2. We have two young children together. Aside from the normal squabbles of two people who live together, we generally get along quite well. We love each other, are faithful, and are 100% committed to staying together. The problem? We have had sex maybe 5 times in the past two years.
I've come to realize the problem is mine. I'm not an asexual person -- I enjoy porn (alone), masturbate frequently (always with a vibrator), and I have an active fantasy life. In general, I'm attracted to my husband -- I like the way he looks and smells, and I enjoy some types of physical affection such as hugging. However, my strange combination of hangups, desires and past experiences have made a normal sex life seem like an impossibility, and it's causing a lot of heartache for both of us.
A not-so-brief summary of the aforementioned...
Hangups: I feel very bad about myself physically. While I think I'm generally okay-looking, I've let myself gain way too much weight since getting married and having babies, and I feel gross as a result. I'm always paranoid about how my husband is perceiving me when he touches me (eww, he just brushed over a handful of fat! did I miss a spot shaving? I know my skin is dry right there!) and, as a result, I simply can't enjoy being touched (needless to say, I don't enjoy receiving oral either, though that is nothing new). I worry I'm always being evaluated for every little imperfection, even though my husband has never said one unkind thing to me and truly does seem to enjoy me even in my current state. My husband tells me I'm beautiful, sexy, hot, and that he loves my body and loves touching me. It doesn't help. In fact, my head is so screwed up that compliments feel like pressure to me. I don't like being told nice things when I don't feel those things about myself. I also don't like being told it's okay not to be perfect and that he loves me the way I am because it's just a reminder that I'm not as good as I could (and therefore should) be. I am a little put off by the desperation he seems to feel to make me feel good about myself. This kind of kindness, especially in a sexual setting, makes me bristle. Which brings me to --
Desires: I've long been a submissive type, much into being controlled in a psychological/mental sense. I'm not interested in most aspects of BDSM because I don't care for physical restraints or things of that sense. Most of the BDSM sites/books I've read -- and I've read a lot -- seem more focused on the "trappings," whereas I've always been into the mind control aspects of it over anything else. It's worth noting, though, that in my early 20s I stumbled across some BDSM stuff online and was very turned on at that time, maybe because I realized that sex didn't necessarily have to be romantic to be satisfying -- after a while, though, I realized that ropes and whips and stuff wasn't my cup of tea, I just wanted someone strong and controlling. My most emotionally intense relationship ever, by a mile, was an online relationship with a highly dominant (though not in a BDSM sense) man -- I felt like he truly "got" me, imperfections and all, and demanded the best out of me while making me "earn" his sexual interest, which was intoxicating to me. My most physically intense encounter was with a highly dominant man that a female acquaintance and I picked up in a club, after which a threesome ensued -- it wasn't so much the physical enjoyment of it, I don't think, but just the excitement of doing something that many people would find hot and taboo. I fantasize about things I can't even fathom discussing with my husband (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping, etc -- even the porn I seek out is largely about women being objectified). I did try, years ago, broaching the subject of D/s with my husband, but that was a rocky period for us and he shied away pretty quickly. He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
Past experiences: Probably significant is the fact that, as a child, I was sexually molested by another child, at which point I began seeking out sexual materials. I was promiscuous for a while in college, until I met and began dating the man who would become my first husband. He and I had a crappy sex life, too, at least during the early "good" part of our relationship. Our sex life actually improved as our relationship deteriorated -- he eventually became pretty emotionally cold and distant, and eventually cheated on me, giving me the excuse to call it quits -- but the sex was pretty good at this point. It's almost as though the less my husband liked me, the more I liked the sex.
Fast forward to my current marriage, which, again, is good in many ways. Our sex life started out good, too -- from literally our first night together the sex was frequent and enjoyable (in retrospect, I think it was the novelty and excitement of being "dirty" with someone I barely knew). The burdens of life got in the way, though, and my husband's confidence in himself waned, as did my own self-image. I think, too, that perhaps I just don't view sex the same way within a committed relationship as most people do. Sex is not about love for me -- I like it dirty and illicit, not loving and tender.
I feel really bad about all of this, because my poor husband deserves better -- he's kind, gentle, accepting, and everything I want and need in a partner EXCEPT in a sexual sense. I feel guilty that none of the standard "improve your sex life advice" would work for us -- I don't want to be sweet-talked or touched tenderly, or to have attention lavished on me. (Nor do I enjoy the prospect of guiding him to be more dominant -- that seems so backward to me I can't even stomach it.) When gentleness and romance are repellent to me, and yet my husband doesn't seem to fit into my fantasy life (and truly, I'm not sure how a loving husband CAN fit into the kind of sexual relationship I crave), AND I feel crummy about myself in general, where do I begin to fix this? Honestly, at this point if there were a way to just have sex without any extraneous touching (insert tab A into slot B, basically) and "get it over with" so that my husband wasn't totally deprived, I think I'd be cool with that. But he honestly -- and understandably -- wants his wife to experience pleasure and satisfaction too, and so I need to get over this problem.
I realize the best option would probably be a sex therapist, and that is a future goal. However, for now, it isn't possible, so please limit your advice to suggesting books, thinking exercises, or other self-help methods that I can explore on my own -- or perhaps with my partner -- for the time-being. Thank you.
First of all, I want to say that dirty, nasty, illicit sex can be an integral part of a loving relationship. When Partner A expresses a true desire to be dominated and Partner B indulges them in some slapping, growling, biting, and name-calling...well, Partner B is STILL being loving because he/she is giving Partner A what they really, truly want. So yes, a loving husband/partner certainly CAN give you the sexual relationship that you want.
Although you say that you do not enjoy the prospect of guiding [your husband] to be more dominant, it really is your best course of action here. If you can simply tell him that you don't WANT tender touches and sweet words, that what would bring you pleasure and make you enjoy sex would be a little name-calling and slapping, I'm sure he would be GLAD to indulge you.
Oh. Except for this:
He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
This confuses me. I DID read the post, but I don't really understand this. He is willing to explore dirty, nasty, illicit sex in order to please you. Why don't you want him to?
posted by SkylitDrawl at 2:52 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Although you say that you do not enjoy the prospect of guiding [your husband] to be more dominant, it really is your best course of action here. If you can simply tell him that you don't WANT tender touches and sweet words, that what would bring you pleasure and make you enjoy sex would be a little name-calling and slapping, I'm sure he would be GLAD to indulge you.
Oh. Except for this:
He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
This confuses me. I DID read the post, but I don't really understand this. He is willing to explore dirty, nasty, illicit sex in order to please you. Why don't you want him to?
posted by SkylitDrawl at 2:52 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
(I fantasize about things I can't even fathom discussing with my husband (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping, etc -- even the porn I seek out is largely about women being objectified). I did try, years ago, broaching the subject of D/s with my husband, but that was a rocky period for us and he shied away pretty quickly. He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
You know, you're talking about "dominance" like it's an inherent quality, like height or eye color. But for most people it's an acquired taste and a learned skill. Nobody's just born knowing how to exert control over other people (and knowing how to tell the difference between sexy-control and creepy-control, and knowing precisely how hard you can pull someone's hair before it stops being fun and starts being annoying, and so on, and so on). You discover, at some point in your life, that you're interested in dominance — and then you acquire that know-how by practice.
Yeah, even those extra-badass Über-doms you've had thrilling encounters with. They had to learn this shit too. They just learned it before they met you. I'm sure if you looked up their high school girlfriends or whatever, there would be some totally awkward stories there....
Anyway, point is, you should give your husband a chance. Given the opportunity to learn, he will probably surprise you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:54 PM on October 25, 2010 [8 favorites]
You know, you're talking about "dominance" like it's an inherent quality, like height or eye color. But for most people it's an acquired taste and a learned skill. Nobody's just born knowing how to exert control over other people (and knowing how to tell the difference between sexy-control and creepy-control, and knowing precisely how hard you can pull someone's hair before it stops being fun and starts being annoying, and so on, and so on). You discover, at some point in your life, that you're interested in dominance — and then you acquire that know-how by practice.
Yeah, even those extra-badass Über-doms you've had thrilling encounters with. They had to learn this shit too. They just learned it before they met you. I'm sure if you looked up their high school girlfriends or whatever, there would be some totally awkward stories there....
Anyway, point is, you should give your husband a chance. Given the opportunity to learn, he will probably surprise you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:54 PM on October 25, 2010 [8 favorites]
I could be wrong, but I think of BDSM stuff as Sex 2.0 (or 3 or 4 or whatever) . . . as in, you get the basics down and then you branch out into exotic things. Again, just my perspective at this point in my life.
You don't have the basics down. Your current (porn, vibrator) and ideal sex life is void of vanilla emotional intimacy -- is that ok with you? I'm not even sure if you're willing/actually want the basics. It would require getting over your hang-ups -- no small feat, I have this feeling like you dislike yourself too much to be intimate within your own mind. It would require talking to your husband about what *his* ideal sex life, what his fantasies are like, too.
I'm sure others will have better ideas, but I think that the first thing you need to do is figure out if you're even willing to engage intimately with your husband.
posted by MeiraV at 3:03 PM on October 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
You don't have the basics down. Your current (porn, vibrator) and ideal sex life is void of vanilla emotional intimacy -- is that ok with you? I'm not even sure if you're willing/actually want the basics. It would require getting over your hang-ups -- no small feat, I have this feeling like you dislike yourself too much to be intimate within your own mind. It would require talking to your husband about what *his* ideal sex life, what his fantasies are like, too.
I'm sure others will have better ideas, but I think that the first thing you need to do is figure out if you're even willing to engage intimately with your husband.
posted by MeiraV at 3:03 PM on October 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yeah I don't see a word in your entire post about what your husband wants or is interested in, other than he is apparently trying to reach across this huge gulf of awkwardness between you two and you are only able to sort of half-consider reaching back.
You seem to have an idea of the sort of sex you'd theoretically LIKE to have, but there's little evidence that you're any more qualified to take up D/s stuff than he is. As interested as you are in being dominated you sound so picky that it sounds like you're trying to control everything from the bottom up. Right now, you currently exert physical and mental control over 100% of your orgasms, and your husband is basically willing to do whatever you want. Does that sound very sub to you?
Giving up control may be something you like better in theory than in practice, but maybe you should start this sexual dialogue from the other side. Tie up HIS hands, and he won't be able to touch your fat. Blindfold him so that he can't see you. Give him the most fucking awesome orgasms he's ever had. Then, when you're ready, begin surrendering that control. Take as long as you need. I doubt you'll hear many complaints from him...
posted by hermitosis at 3:18 PM on October 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
You seem to have an idea of the sort of sex you'd theoretically LIKE to have, but there's little evidence that you're any more qualified to take up D/s stuff than he is. As interested as you are in being dominated you sound so picky that it sounds like you're trying to control everything from the bottom up. Right now, you currently exert physical and mental control over 100% of your orgasms, and your husband is basically willing to do whatever you want. Does that sound very sub to you?
Giving up control may be something you like better in theory than in practice, but maybe you should start this sexual dialogue from the other side. Tie up HIS hands, and he won't be able to touch your fat. Blindfold him so that he can't see you. Give him the most fucking awesome orgasms he's ever had. Then, when you're ready, begin surrendering that control. Take as long as you need. I doubt you'll hear many complaints from him...
posted by hermitosis at 3:18 PM on October 25, 2010 [14 favorites]
What is coming through for me is a general feeling of discontent. You're want something but don't have the motivation to get there from here, and it's ending up focussed on your husband. I suspect that improving your self esteem in general would help your confidence in asking for and moving towards what you want.
Do you exercise at all? Walk with girlfriends? Swim a couple times a week? I'm not talking about weight loss or getting buffed- just getting your body to really do what you want it to do. I have no idea why, but feeling physically capable makes me feel capable of all sorts of things, makes me feel more desirable and therefore more inclined to value and act on my own needs and wants.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2010
Do you exercise at all? Walk with girlfriends? Swim a couple times a week? I'm not talking about weight loss or getting buffed- just getting your body to really do what you want it to do. I have no idea why, but feeling physically capable makes me feel capable of all sorts of things, makes me feel more desirable and therefore more inclined to value and act on my own needs and wants.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:44 PM on October 25, 2010
"He's recently expressed a willingness to explore the topic again if that's what needs to happen to understand me and improve our sex life, but I'm pretty resistant now because I don't see him in that light anymore and don't know that I ever could.
This seems to be the crux of your question. If he's willing to do whatever for you but you're not feelin' it for whatever reason, then it's not going to work. At least give him a chance to get it right. If it still doesn't work then you have to talk to him frankly about it. Anything else wouldn't be fair to him.
posted by amethysts at 3:53 PM on October 25, 2010
This seems to be the crux of your question. If he's willing to do whatever for you but you're not feelin' it for whatever reason, then it's not going to work. At least give him a chance to get it right. If it still doesn't work then you have to talk to him frankly about it. Anything else wouldn't be fair to him.
posted by amethysts at 3:53 PM on October 25, 2010
To solve this it may help to understand yourself and your situation, past and present. Some questions to ask yourself, for starters, are:
1. Why are you attracted to BDSM and being dominated?
2. Why did your sex life with your first husband go from good to bad and back to good again?
3. Why did your sex life with your first husband go from good to bad?
I propose that the answer to all these questions is "pressure", and pressure is a killer. Trust me, as a man with standard equipment, I know all about the perils of pressure.
1. You like to be dominated because it takes the pressure of you. You can't make mistakes when someone else is in charge and telling you what to do. If it doesn't work out then it's their fault and not yours, so you can enjoy the experience without worry or guilt.
2. Sex was good in the beginning because you didn't have a relationship/marriage to maintain. You had nothing -- or at least very little -- to lose, and very little responsibility towards each other. No pressure. Then things got serious; suddenly you had something to lose and responsibility. Hello pressure, goodbye good sex. Then your relationship turned sour and your husband stopped liking you. You probably stopped caring (sounds like you were waiting for an excuse to get out), and stopped worrying so much about measuring up. Maybe you even became a little selfish (good thing). Goodbye pressure, hello good sex.
3. See 2.
I realize this doesn't directly fix your problem, but understanding your problem is a prerequisite to fixing it. Hopefully this aids in that department.
Presuming the problem is pressure, where does it come from? Perhaps the molestation caused you to associate feelings of guilt with sex (I hear victims often feel guilty, like it's their fault somehow). I'll go out on a limb here and say that guilt does not good sex make. It follows that you'd feel it was your fault then that the sex was bad, so you put the pressure on yourself. Another source of guilt is you poor self image, but I don't think it's necessary for me to spell that out.
Find a way to take the pressure of yourself (yes BDSM could be one way), and then maybe you'll enjoy sex again, even vanilla.
PS. I have to agree with the above that BDSM is a learned skill and acquired taste. If you can't find some other way to alleviate the pressure, then you'll need to be patient as your husband learns to dominate. You may not see it in him anymore, but that's just because he hasn't developed that part of himself at all. Give him time. Help him help you.
posted by spr at 3:57 PM on October 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
1. Why are you attracted to BDSM and being dominated?
2. Why did your sex life with your first husband go from good to bad and back to good again?
3. Why did your sex life with your first husband go from good to bad?
I propose that the answer to all these questions is "pressure", and pressure is a killer. Trust me, as a man with standard equipment, I know all about the perils of pressure.
1. You like to be dominated because it takes the pressure of you. You can't make mistakes when someone else is in charge and telling you what to do. If it doesn't work out then it's their fault and not yours, so you can enjoy the experience without worry or guilt.
2. Sex was good in the beginning because you didn't have a relationship/marriage to maintain. You had nothing -- or at least very little -- to lose, and very little responsibility towards each other. No pressure. Then things got serious; suddenly you had something to lose and responsibility. Hello pressure, goodbye good sex. Then your relationship turned sour and your husband stopped liking you. You probably stopped caring (sounds like you were waiting for an excuse to get out), and stopped worrying so much about measuring up. Maybe you even became a little selfish (good thing). Goodbye pressure, hello good sex.
3. See 2.
I realize this doesn't directly fix your problem, but understanding your problem is a prerequisite to fixing it. Hopefully this aids in that department.
Presuming the problem is pressure, where does it come from? Perhaps the molestation caused you to associate feelings of guilt with sex (I hear victims often feel guilty, like it's their fault somehow). I'll go out on a limb here and say that guilt does not good sex make. It follows that you'd feel it was your fault then that the sex was bad, so you put the pressure on yourself. Another source of guilt is you poor self image, but I don't think it's necessary for me to spell that out.
Find a way to take the pressure of yourself (yes BDSM could be one way), and then maybe you'll enjoy sex again, even vanilla.
PS. I have to agree with the above that BDSM is a learned skill and acquired taste. If you can't find some other way to alleviate the pressure, then you'll need to be patient as your husband learns to dominate. You may not see it in him anymore, but that's just because he hasn't developed that part of himself at all. Give him time. Help him help you.
posted by spr at 3:57 PM on October 25, 2010 [4 favorites]
You know, I'm all for "whatever floats your boat" in the realm of non-standard sexuality. However, when this
I fantasize about things I can't even fathom discussing with my husband (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping, etc -- even the porn I seek out is largely about women being objectified)
is coming from a place like this:
I feel very bad about myself physically...I feel gross...I worry I'm always being evaluated for every little imperfection. In fact, my head is so screwed up that compliments feel like pressure to me. I don't like being told nice things when I don't feel those things about myself. ...it's just a reminder that I'm not as good as I could (and therefore should) be.
I'd urge extreme caution about exploring any sort of sexual life that makes that into the the wolf you feed.
posted by drlith at 4:36 PM on October 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
I fantasize about things I can't even fathom discussing with my husband (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping, etc -- even the porn I seek out is largely about women being objectified)
is coming from a place like this:
I feel very bad about myself physically...I feel gross...I worry I'm always being evaluated for every little imperfection. In fact, my head is so screwed up that compliments feel like pressure to me. I don't like being told nice things when I don't feel those things about myself. ...it's just a reminder that I'm not as good as I could (and therefore should) be.
I'd urge extreme caution about exploring any sort of sexual life that makes that into the the wolf you feed.
posted by drlith at 4:36 PM on October 25, 2010 [7 favorites]
Hmm, okay, I don't really want to get too personal here but I have a very good understanding of both your hangups and desires and how they can work in a marriage. (Feel free to MeMail me if you want.) Let me speak plainly, then.
You've got the cerebral kind of sex drive. Cool! It's when things get all corporeal that you start to go sideways. Something to keep in mind is that those fantasies that you have, the ones that you yearn for and yet feel that your husband cannot fulfill.. they are "just" fantasies. If someone were to burst into your house right now and work his sexy dommy mind voodoo on you, I would put $5 on you feeling just as anxious about him touching the parts of your body you don't like. Your most intense relationship was online, right? With little or no in-person stuff? See? Cerebral vs corporeal again.
It sounds like you haven't communicated your needs fully to your husband, and honestly some of the stuff you mention (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping) made me chuckle in their borderline vanilla-ness. You are not shockingly weird, and have nothing to be ashamed of. He sounds from what you've written here to be pretty potentially Good Giving and Game, but you've got to give him a shot. And if that doesn't float your boat, there are plenty of ways for you two to explore these things together without directly involving each other.
You kind of make it sound like the problem here is your kink, but I don't think that's it. The real limit is your own uncomfortableness with your body. You need to find ways to get over that first and foremost, because I think you won't be able to find satisfaction with your husband or with an experienced dom or with anyone outside your own fantasies until you come to terms with the corporeal part of sex. Feel more confident in that, and letting other people make your cerebral bits tingle too will be a lot easier.
posted by jess at 4:38 PM on October 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
You've got the cerebral kind of sex drive. Cool! It's when things get all corporeal that you start to go sideways. Something to keep in mind is that those fantasies that you have, the ones that you yearn for and yet feel that your husband cannot fulfill.. they are "just" fantasies. If someone were to burst into your house right now and work his sexy dommy mind voodoo on you, I would put $5 on you feeling just as anxious about him touching the parts of your body you don't like. Your most intense relationship was online, right? With little or no in-person stuff? See? Cerebral vs corporeal again.
It sounds like you haven't communicated your needs fully to your husband, and honestly some of the stuff you mention (humiliation, namecalling, light face slapping) made me chuckle in their borderline vanilla-ness. You are not shockingly weird, and have nothing to be ashamed of. He sounds from what you've written here to be pretty potentially Good Giving and Game, but you've got to give him a shot. And if that doesn't float your boat, there are plenty of ways for you two to explore these things together without directly involving each other.
You kind of make it sound like the problem here is your kink, but I don't think that's it. The real limit is your own uncomfortableness with your body. You need to find ways to get over that first and foremost, because I think you won't be able to find satisfaction with your husband or with an experienced dom or with anyone outside your own fantasies until you come to terms with the corporeal part of sex. Feel more confident in that, and letting other people make your cerebral bits tingle too will be a lot easier.
posted by jess at 4:38 PM on October 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
MeiraV said everything I wanted to say.
posted by jbenben at 5:04 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jbenben at 5:04 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Shooting from the hip a little here...
1- Part of being submissive is trusting the dom to properly dominate. If you have to say (or think) "OK, now please pull my hair", you aren't being dominated. Being sub, as far as I know, is about giving up control to someone. You trust that someone, but you also don't know exactly what's going to happen or when. So, talk about your wants and needs some place other than bed. Tell him you want him to tease you with his X, Y or Z, and that you would really like it if he P'ed your D with the Q. But then sit back and go on the ride with him. Being asked to Dom, even a little, is hard to learn. And Dom him, just a little, how you'd like it, just so he kind of gets the concept.
2- While it is great to explore kink and whatnot, I think you need to get some therapy for your sense of self. Or acceptance of self, I guess is a better way of thinking about it. You say you've gained weight. That is reality- you can't beat yourself up for it. That doesn't mean you have to ignore reality, just that you need to ignore the negative thoughts and reframe them into positive ones. "I might not fit in those pants now, but I will exercise and maybe someday I will." And so on and so forth. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is probably exactly what you need, (says the guy on the internet with no credentials).
2.5- Possibly attempt to get some of your sub kicks by reframing your discomfort as a sort of "exposure" that you might enjoy. Kind of like "I'm not happy about that curve over there, but he likes it no matter how I try to hide it or wish he wouldn't, and that makes me feel kind of tingly."
3- Another thing: don't give other people excuses not to like you. Don't do their thinking and feeling for them. Let your husband find you hot if he wants- he likes you and wants to do naughty things with you, and that right there is a blessing many people don't have. So reframe those "he must be lying about thinking I'm hot" thoughts into a "he loves me so much he would ignore my obvious flaws just to make me happy" kind of thing.
posted by gjc at 5:29 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
1- Part of being submissive is trusting the dom to properly dominate. If you have to say (or think) "OK, now please pull my hair", you aren't being dominated. Being sub, as far as I know, is about giving up control to someone. You trust that someone, but you also don't know exactly what's going to happen or when. So, talk about your wants and needs some place other than bed. Tell him you want him to tease you with his X, Y or Z, and that you would really like it if he P'ed your D with the Q. But then sit back and go on the ride with him. Being asked to Dom, even a little, is hard to learn. And Dom him, just a little, how you'd like it, just so he kind of gets the concept.
2- While it is great to explore kink and whatnot, I think you need to get some therapy for your sense of self. Or acceptance of self, I guess is a better way of thinking about it. You say you've gained weight. That is reality- you can't beat yourself up for it. That doesn't mean you have to ignore reality, just that you need to ignore the negative thoughts and reframe them into positive ones. "I might not fit in those pants now, but I will exercise and maybe someday I will." And so on and so forth. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is probably exactly what you need, (says the guy on the internet with no credentials).
2.5- Possibly attempt to get some of your sub kicks by reframing your discomfort as a sort of "exposure" that you might enjoy. Kind of like "I'm not happy about that curve over there, but he likes it no matter how I try to hide it or wish he wouldn't, and that makes me feel kind of tingly."
3- Another thing: don't give other people excuses not to like you. Don't do their thinking and feeling for them. Let your husband find you hot if he wants- he likes you and wants to do naughty things with you, and that right there is a blessing many people don't have. So reframe those "he must be lying about thinking I'm hot" thoughts into a "he loves me so much he would ignore my obvious flaws just to make me happy" kind of thing.
posted by gjc at 5:29 PM on October 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I...wow. Sympathize. But I agree with folks like gjc above that the kink is likely not the problem, the problem is that you sound like you really hate your body and can't bear for your husband to touch you. As someone who's had a similar fantasy life and who is now "only" forty pounds overweight as opposed to the heavier rest of her adult life, I cringed reading your description.
The thing that probably made the biggest difference for me was therapy. I am now so much more ok with my fat body and imperfect self, and wow it's a whole world of better living. And I've found that my fantasy life is great in my mind, but in my actual relationships, vanilla sex is all I want and need. You may find something different, but I agree that first you have to be able to share your body with your husband and come to see that his compliments are whole-hearted. You're the one turning them against yourself. See yourself through his loving eyes, or better, through loving eyes of your own.
posted by ldthomps at 6:06 PM on October 25, 2010
The thing that probably made the biggest difference for me was therapy. I am now so much more ok with my fat body and imperfect self, and wow it's a whole world of better living. And I've found that my fantasy life is great in my mind, but in my actual relationships, vanilla sex is all I want and need. You may find something different, but I agree that first you have to be able to share your body with your husband and come to see that his compliments are whole-hearted. You're the one turning them against yourself. See yourself through his loving eyes, or better, through loving eyes of your own.
posted by ldthomps at 6:06 PM on October 25, 2010
Nth-ing the "maybe think about working on body acceptance and self-acceptance for yourself while also exploring BDSM scenes you and your husband might both find hot" because body acceptance and self-acceptance make every flavor of sex so much better.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:05 PM on October 25, 2010
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:05 PM on October 25, 2010
You have got to find a way to feel comfortable and happy with your body. You think you're okay looking, but you feel gross. Fine. You have got to start doing stuff so you don't feel gross (and I hate to keep using that word because I'm sure you're not gross at all, but as someone who has routinely thought of herself as gross and disgusting I think I can empathise with where you're coming from here). I know how hard this is but it might not take that much to really start changing your attitude. If your eating and exercise habits are contributing to making you feel "gross," then try changing them, even if it's just a little--and stick to the changes. Even if you don't lose any weight I think it's really likely that you will start feeling more confident about yourself because your body will physically just feel better. There might be other habits you have that you're not happy with; change them. Anything that you find yourself feeling bad about is probably contributing to your self-esteem issues and you need to find ways to remedy this. If there is anything your husband could do to help, talk to him about it. I know you enjoy D/s, but I doubt that will actually remedy anything; I really doubt it will make you feel better about your body, instead serving more like a tourniquet for your sex life.
If you can be happy with your body, you'll probably start feeling a lot sexier and you might even enjoy and be turned on by regular old sex. And once that happens it will be a lot easier to have sex full of kink.
posted by Polychrome at 2:31 AM on October 26, 2010
If you can be happy with your body, you'll probably start feeling a lot sexier and you might even enjoy and be turned on by regular old sex. And once that happens it will be a lot easier to have sex full of kink.
posted by Polychrome at 2:31 AM on October 26, 2010
A lot of the other commenters have alluded to this, but your problem is not about sex. You have a problem being vulnerable and intimate and open with your husband. That's why you don't want him to touch you, it's why you feel you can't talk about your fantasies with him, and it's why you prefer to have sex alone. All of these are ways to avoid having to open up to another person and share with him and have an honest, emotional interaction with him. It's a control issue: you can control your own actions, but you can't control what he says and does and feels, and that scares you, because you can't make sure it's going to be what you want it to be.
I suspect that part of the reason that being submissive appeals to you is that it's a way for you to--safely, within boundaries that you set yourself--give up some of the control that you exercise in other areas of your life. The level of vigilance you exercise over your relationship must be exhausting for you, so it's completely natural that you're looking for an outlet where you're allowed to relax and let someone else be in control.
I know it's a cliche on AskMe, but I really think you could benefit from therapy. Not about sex, per se, but about the relationships you've had in the past and about learning how to be emotionally honest with other people, including your husband. This could be anything from individual psychotherapy to couples counseling. The point is to give yourself a safe space in which to be vulnerable so that you can practice doing it in real life the way you do in your fantasies.
Good luck!
posted by decathecting at 8:54 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suspect that part of the reason that being submissive appeals to you is that it's a way for you to--safely, within boundaries that you set yourself--give up some of the control that you exercise in other areas of your life. The level of vigilance you exercise over your relationship must be exhausting for you, so it's completely natural that you're looking for an outlet where you're allowed to relax and let someone else be in control.
I know it's a cliche on AskMe, but I really think you could benefit from therapy. Not about sex, per se, but about the relationships you've had in the past and about learning how to be emotionally honest with other people, including your husband. This could be anything from individual psychotherapy to couples counseling. The point is to give yourself a safe space in which to be vulnerable so that you can practice doing it in real life the way you do in your fantasies.
Good luck!
posted by decathecting at 8:54 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
and then he needs to help you by giving you what you need.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 2:35 PM on October 25, 2010 [2 favorites]