How to Recognize True Friends and Become Closer Friends with Them?
October 10, 2010 4:07 PM Subscribe
As a transfer junior in university in another city, the distinctive line between casual school friend and potential true friend has become more confusing to me than ever. Over the past few days, I've read many related posts, websites on interpersonal skills yet to find myself in the position of over-worrying again. So how do can you tell that they aren't just your friends of convenience and if not, how do you become better friends with them without appearing too clingy or starting an unbalanced, one-sided friendship?
First, I apologize for my lengthiness and I'll endeavor to condense it as much as possible. The following info is not a required read to answer my question.
We met at the beginning of the semester and share two classes together. In despite of different upbringings, cultural backgrounds and a small age difference, we hit it off. We both are (female) transfer students from another university. This is our second year doing the same major in this new city. Both of us are shy and passive introverts, but not socially awkward. While getting to know each other in the first few after-school hangouts, I came to realize that we share a lot of core values, hobbies and even think very similarly. I see a great potential in becoming better friends but I'm not sure if she feels the same.
Many have told me that I can't rush things, and any relationship depends on both of us, I shouldn't even think of trying to 'control' it, and to give more time to feel/observe. In the meanwhile, what exactly should I pay attention to? I don't want to test her in a manipulative way, and I'm quite naive and non-observant sometimes. The way I used to befriend with others was, if I value them a great friend, I'd show a lot of caring, interest and eventually most of my friendships become quite unbalanced in a way. I've developed this fear that if I over-investigated/over-showed my caring, the friendship might become forced. Then, I've read advices such as how people make deliberate effort in keeping a new friendship going. They say, you need to do things together and talk to each other as much as you can to nurture the friendship. However, that led to some of my past unsuccessful one-sided friendships. So now she becomes the one who takes initiative for spontaneous one-on-one hang-outs, lunch, etc. I occasionally find myself sending impulsive text messages and have been cutting down a lot of 'unnecessary' communications via internet/phone so I don't invade her space. But without these random "check-ups", it feels like we've become a bit distanced even though we always have pleasant time together. Should I get more tenacious or keep texting/facebooking at a minimum?
A week ago, she canceled our hang-out at last minute for readings/exam preparation, and said she would text me the following day to see if we could do something together that week. Yet, that didn't happen. Given the fact that she's usually punctual and probably not a flake (at least from what I learnt), it hurt my feelings that she didn't keep up the words. I've learnt not to get angry at her behaviour after much meditation, but still find myself worrying whether she'll stick to our next lunch date. On the other hand, I've never turned her down/bailed out on her. Am I too easy, too agreeable? I mean, I do enjoy her company a lot, that's the main reason I'd make time for her.
I usually would stick around a little or even walk her on campus after class. I only have 1 class on most of the days, but she has some gaps. Sometimes, it almost occurs to me that she'd hang out/text me once in a blue moon only when she needs my company or when there's nothing else to do between classes. Besides, we've never hung out on a non-school day. By nature, she's soft-hearted, I feel her caring is more out of politeness. Am I paranoid?
First, I apologize for my lengthiness and I'll endeavor to condense it as much as possible. The following info is not a required read to answer my question.
We met at the beginning of the semester and share two classes together. In despite of different upbringings, cultural backgrounds and a small age difference, we hit it off. We both are (female) transfer students from another university. This is our second year doing the same major in this new city. Both of us are shy and passive introverts, but not socially awkward. While getting to know each other in the first few after-school hangouts, I came to realize that we share a lot of core values, hobbies and even think very similarly. I see a great potential in becoming better friends but I'm not sure if she feels the same.
Many have told me that I can't rush things, and any relationship depends on both of us, I shouldn't even think of trying to 'control' it, and to give more time to feel/observe. In the meanwhile, what exactly should I pay attention to? I don't want to test her in a manipulative way, and I'm quite naive and non-observant sometimes. The way I used to befriend with others was, if I value them a great friend, I'd show a lot of caring, interest and eventually most of my friendships become quite unbalanced in a way. I've developed this fear that if I over-investigated/over-showed my caring, the friendship might become forced. Then, I've read advices such as how people make deliberate effort in keeping a new friendship going. They say, you need to do things together and talk to each other as much as you can to nurture the friendship. However, that led to some of my past unsuccessful one-sided friendships. So now she becomes the one who takes initiative for spontaneous one-on-one hang-outs, lunch, etc. I occasionally find myself sending impulsive text messages and have been cutting down a lot of 'unnecessary' communications via internet/phone so I don't invade her space. But without these random "check-ups", it feels like we've become a bit distanced even though we always have pleasant time together. Should I get more tenacious or keep texting/facebooking at a minimum?
A week ago, she canceled our hang-out at last minute for readings/exam preparation, and said she would text me the following day to see if we could do something together that week. Yet, that didn't happen. Given the fact that she's usually punctual and probably not a flake (at least from what I learnt), it hurt my feelings that she didn't keep up the words. I've learnt not to get angry at her behaviour after much meditation, but still find myself worrying whether she'll stick to our next lunch date. On the other hand, I've never turned her down/bailed out on her. Am I too easy, too agreeable? I mean, I do enjoy her company a lot, that's the main reason I'd make time for her.
I usually would stick around a little or even walk her on campus after class. I only have 1 class on most of the days, but she has some gaps. Sometimes, it almost occurs to me that she'd hang out/text me once in a blue moon only when she needs my company or when there's nothing else to do between classes. Besides, we've never hung out on a non-school day. By nature, she's soft-hearted, I feel her caring is more out of politeness. Am I paranoid?
I don't think you're paranoid, but I do think you're taking this way too seriously. Do not get more tenacious, she may already feel that you are a little clingy and may be pulling away a little.
I don't know how to express this another way, but I think you should just chill out a little bit. I also think you should make efforts to find and develop other friendships. It's not healthy to have such focus on one person. You are bound to read way too much into their actions than what their intent probably is at this point.
I totally get where you are coming from, sounds much like how I spent my sophomore year in college, so I certainly empathize with you. It's tough, but it's important that you cultivate other relationships and not be so consumed by this one.
posted by SoulOnIce at 4:24 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know how to express this another way, but I think you should just chill out a little bit. I also think you should make efforts to find and develop other friendships. It's not healthy to have such focus on one person. You are bound to read way too much into their actions than what their intent probably is at this point.
I totally get where you are coming from, sounds much like how I spent my sophomore year in college, so I certainly empathize with you. It's tough, but it's important that you cultivate other relationships and not be so consumed by this one.
posted by SoulOnIce at 4:24 PM on October 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
We met at the beginning of the semester and share two classes together.
So.... 5-6 weeks ago? In the grand scheme of friendship, particularly school friends, that's not very long.
While getting to know each other in the first few after-school hangouts, I came to realize that we share a lot of core values, hobbies and even think very similarly. I see a great potential in becoming better friends
Being a friend is about more than being the same person. There's an X factor that's impossible to predict or control. You're at a new school, in a new city- get out there and do as much new stuff as you can, meeting as many new people as you can. Have fun! Don't worry too much about one friend.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:40 PM on October 10, 2010
So.... 5-6 weeks ago? In the grand scheme of friendship, particularly school friends, that's not very long.
While getting to know each other in the first few after-school hangouts, I came to realize that we share a lot of core values, hobbies and even think very similarly. I see a great potential in becoming better friends
Being a friend is about more than being the same person. There's an X factor that's impossible to predict or control. You're at a new school, in a new city- get out there and do as much new stuff as you can, meeting as many new people as you can. Have fun! Don't worry too much about one friend.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:40 PM on October 10, 2010
Best answer: Let's say you moved to a new city. In the entire time that you've been in that city, you've seen one shoe store. A couple weeks pass and now you need new shoes. You start thinking that that one shoe store you know of will solve all your shoe problems. But when you get there, they don't sell shoes in your size. There are three reactions: (A) going out and finding another shoe store, (B) buying shoes that don't fit you, and (C) not wearing shoes anymore. Only one of those reactions is reasonable, the other two reactions come from putting your hopes onto one thing and imagining that if things go well with it everything else will be perfect.
posted by ifandonlyif at 5:09 PM on October 10, 2010
posted by ifandonlyif at 5:09 PM on October 10, 2010
Best answer: I used to be exactly like you. I still am, but now I hide it better.
The key for me was distinguishing between wanting to hang out with someone for a specific reason, and wanting to hang out with someone to bolster my self-esteem. For example, these days I'm much more likely to think, "Hey, I haven't seen Katie in a while - I wonder how her test went? I'm going to call her and see if she wants to get coffee and chat." Five years ago, that same phone call would have been spurred by this thought: "Hey, Katie is really awesome. I wonder if she'll condescend to let me bask in her awesomeness for a while. I know, I can ask her out for coffee. That's what awesome people do, isn't it?"
The end result is the same, but my tortured inner monologue is much more muted. It also helps me tremendously to have really concrete goals - "I know friend A likes this thing, we should do it together," or "I want to talk to friend B about this thing, so I should call her" - rather than the much more nebulous "I want person A to be my friend so I should hang out with her because that's what friends do." It makes it easier to avoid focusing on a single person, and it makes the actual hanging out much more fun, because I have achievable expectations.
The other, totally unexpected bonus is that people apparently can no longer tell that I'm a needy ball of social anxiety and tenuous self-esteem. And I get invited places more often.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:33 PM on October 10, 2010 [21 favorites]
The key for me was distinguishing between wanting to hang out with someone for a specific reason, and wanting to hang out with someone to bolster my self-esteem. For example, these days I'm much more likely to think, "Hey, I haven't seen Katie in a while - I wonder how her test went? I'm going to call her and see if she wants to get coffee and chat." Five years ago, that same phone call would have been spurred by this thought: "Hey, Katie is really awesome. I wonder if she'll condescend to let me bask in her awesomeness for a while. I know, I can ask her out for coffee. That's what awesome people do, isn't it?"
The end result is the same, but my tortured inner monologue is much more muted. It also helps me tremendously to have really concrete goals - "I know friend A likes this thing, we should do it together," or "I want to talk to friend B about this thing, so I should call her" - rather than the much more nebulous "I want person A to be my friend so I should hang out with her because that's what friends do." It makes it easier to avoid focusing on a single person, and it makes the actual hanging out much more fun, because I have achievable expectations.
The other, totally unexpected bonus is that people apparently can no longer tell that I'm a needy ball of social anxiety and tenuous self-esteem. And I get invited places more often.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:33 PM on October 10, 2010 [21 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all for for the constructive feedback. Some definitely echo my inner voice and help me to look at things more objectively.
And flabdablet, the question you asked sure gets me thinking. I think it is more or less a fix. And I'm working on myself and being more low-maintenance.
posted by easilyconfused at 7:59 PM on October 10, 2010
And flabdablet, the question you asked sure gets me thinking. I think it is more or less a fix. And I'm working on myself and being more low-maintenance.
posted by easilyconfused at 7:59 PM on October 10, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
it feels like we've becomeI feel a bit distanced even though we always have pleasant time together.Edited that for you. Does it strike you as a fix?
Should I get more tenacious or keep texting/facebooking at a minimum?
A friend is someone who likes you. True friends don't need to live in each other's pockets to keep that true. I recommend backing off. Give yourself a chance to realize that feeling a bit distanced is your issue, not hers, and that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her actions.
Many have told me that I can't rush things, and any relationship depends on both of us, I shouldn't even think of trying to 'control' it, and to give more time to feel/observe.
Many have given you good advice.
In the meanwhile, what exactly should I pay attention to?
You. Teach yourself to let go of people you like. True friends are the ones who stick around because they want to.
If you make yourself into a less high-maintenance friend, you will find more true friends.
posted by flabdablet at 4:23 PM on October 10, 2010 [2 favorites]