A Strong climb out of self-destruction?
October 4, 2010 9:21 AM Subscribe
After a late night preparing for classes and reviewing my resume, I came to the realization and fact that I am an alcoholic. Help me figure out next steps.
I am just over 30 years old. Looking back, I basically have drunk myself into a stupor every night for the last seven years, mainly as a way to forget how meaningless my life is and how few real friends I have. I am very outgoing, aggressive, a celebrity in some circles, well-read, a public speaker and I am interested in one day teaching or working in education.
In my last real job in my profession, non-profit program management, I was asked to resign after coming in late for work one morning. I did so and spent the next seven months in therapy attempting to rehash the feelings of anger I had with my professional longings for power while morbidly ignoring the root of all of this and never telling my therapist what I was doing in the evenings. Strangely, I went early in the morning three days a week. I don't know how I did and how she never noticed my hungover state but I made it work like everything else in my life by completely transcending my own frailty and digging deep to find reason to continue being clever. I would leave therapy most days considering myself a winner but never solving anything.
The last sober time I had was my senior year of college: I got to lowest weight ever (I am 50 pounds heavier nine years' later) and I treated every activity I had like a little job that I wanted to accomplish. I had the best relationship of my life. Since then, I can't focus on anything for longer than 10 minutes. I am on the computer constantly - my last source of contact. I am an outgoing person trapped in a room, smoking on the deck after dark, talking to myself, hatching schemes, pretending nothing matters but this moment.
In college, I rarely drank more than once a week. It was in 2003 that I began seriously to use alcohol in a very rigorous way to put myself away from thinking about how much I hated much of what I did. I see at the same time I began to develop pretty adventurous ideas of where I would be if I held everything together and began searching for ways to combine my career with places I really wanted to end up. That goal has completely backfired. At the same time I have earned tremendous accolades for what I did accomplish. I have brought major returns to several organizations I fell into thanks to my work ethic and expertise my field.
I am told again and again that I am good at what I do and that I have a great amount of promise. I have an easy ability to identify problems and read people and I don't wait to ask for help. Except, of course, actually asking for help about my own problems. I realize I had many friends who over the years have tried to help me and I just blew them off because I was so powerless to understand what it was they hated about me the most. What they hated was the way my behavior changed when I drank. I became a Quixotic, ridiculous campaigner for worthless ideas. A sex monster, an advice whore.
I realize I am much better off not drinking, accepting and learning from my failures, and moving quickly on to more transforming experiences. With heavy drinking I have gained a lot of weight, allowed myself into more danger than I ever expected, and now am facing the reality that my family is really tired of my behavior even though I remain a gleaming worker who can be counted on in tough times.
The key problem I have when I drink is that my mind travels at 10,000 miles per hour. In the last year alone, not really encumbered by a job with a high stress quotient, I have bought over a dozen websites with grand plans for each sitting in a file folder completely non-started. I have made a ton of promises while drunk and had to realize again and again I was going to let people down. I have been extremely hurtful and harmful to myself and others. Most terrible of all I have lost wonderful friendships as a result of all of this behavior.
This morning I told my Dad this news. He was surprised but understanding. I feel like he and I have become much more like friends in the last year and for that I am really grateful. This next year my job is essentially to finish a book I had started on several years ago and finish it and then go back into the job market. He and I and the rest of my family and friends have been waiting for this book for a long time. It's a real call to arms over a subject very dear to my heart.
I am looking at AA but having gone in support of a friend once I saw how much I hated the lecturing and veterans' committee quality of the organization. I realize more than anything I want to be able to get back into the form I am proud of and be able to recognize the difference. Maybe make a calender of nude shots, or start my own business, or teach a class, or actually fit in every suit I own and look good enough to not have to take my own picture from the shoulders up. I really want to taste my enterprise again.
I realize this won't come about without a support network. I am about to go halfway around the world and 4,000 miles away from my home to do my fellowship and write my book. I have the wherewithal to act on my ideas. Is this more than that? Is change really possible with self-acceptance? Am I doomed? What can I do now that would really help?
My e-mail is sku195384@gmail.com if you would like to contact me privately. I am ready and unready for what will happen but I look forward to learning and acting on this knowledge and advice.
I am just over 30 years old. Looking back, I basically have drunk myself into a stupor every night for the last seven years, mainly as a way to forget how meaningless my life is and how few real friends I have. I am very outgoing, aggressive, a celebrity in some circles, well-read, a public speaker and I am interested in one day teaching or working in education.
In my last real job in my profession, non-profit program management, I was asked to resign after coming in late for work one morning. I did so and spent the next seven months in therapy attempting to rehash the feelings of anger I had with my professional longings for power while morbidly ignoring the root of all of this and never telling my therapist what I was doing in the evenings. Strangely, I went early in the morning three days a week. I don't know how I did and how she never noticed my hungover state but I made it work like everything else in my life by completely transcending my own frailty and digging deep to find reason to continue being clever. I would leave therapy most days considering myself a winner but never solving anything.
The last sober time I had was my senior year of college: I got to lowest weight ever (I am 50 pounds heavier nine years' later) and I treated every activity I had like a little job that I wanted to accomplish. I had the best relationship of my life. Since then, I can't focus on anything for longer than 10 minutes. I am on the computer constantly - my last source of contact. I am an outgoing person trapped in a room, smoking on the deck after dark, talking to myself, hatching schemes, pretending nothing matters but this moment.
In college, I rarely drank more than once a week. It was in 2003 that I began seriously to use alcohol in a very rigorous way to put myself away from thinking about how much I hated much of what I did. I see at the same time I began to develop pretty adventurous ideas of where I would be if I held everything together and began searching for ways to combine my career with places I really wanted to end up. That goal has completely backfired. At the same time I have earned tremendous accolades for what I did accomplish. I have brought major returns to several organizations I fell into thanks to my work ethic and expertise my field.
I am told again and again that I am good at what I do and that I have a great amount of promise. I have an easy ability to identify problems and read people and I don't wait to ask for help. Except, of course, actually asking for help about my own problems. I realize I had many friends who over the years have tried to help me and I just blew them off because I was so powerless to understand what it was they hated about me the most. What they hated was the way my behavior changed when I drank. I became a Quixotic, ridiculous campaigner for worthless ideas. A sex monster, an advice whore.
I realize I am much better off not drinking, accepting and learning from my failures, and moving quickly on to more transforming experiences. With heavy drinking I have gained a lot of weight, allowed myself into more danger than I ever expected, and now am facing the reality that my family is really tired of my behavior even though I remain a gleaming worker who can be counted on in tough times.
The key problem I have when I drink is that my mind travels at 10,000 miles per hour. In the last year alone, not really encumbered by a job with a high stress quotient, I have bought over a dozen websites with grand plans for each sitting in a file folder completely non-started. I have made a ton of promises while drunk and had to realize again and again I was going to let people down. I have been extremely hurtful and harmful to myself and others. Most terrible of all I have lost wonderful friendships as a result of all of this behavior.
This morning I told my Dad this news. He was surprised but understanding. I feel like he and I have become much more like friends in the last year and for that I am really grateful. This next year my job is essentially to finish a book I had started on several years ago and finish it and then go back into the job market. He and I and the rest of my family and friends have been waiting for this book for a long time. It's a real call to arms over a subject very dear to my heart.
I am looking at AA but having gone in support of a friend once I saw how much I hated the lecturing and veterans' committee quality of the organization. I realize more than anything I want to be able to get back into the form I am proud of and be able to recognize the difference. Maybe make a calender of nude shots, or start my own business, or teach a class, or actually fit in every suit I own and look good enough to not have to take my own picture from the shoulders up. I really want to taste my enterprise again.
I realize this won't come about without a support network. I am about to go halfway around the world and 4,000 miles away from my home to do my fellowship and write my book. I have the wherewithal to act on my ideas. Is this more than that? Is change really possible with self-acceptance? Am I doomed? What can I do now that would really help?
My e-mail is sku195384@gmail.com if you would like to contact me privately. I am ready and unready for what will happen but I look forward to learning and acting on this knowledge and advice.
When I read your post, I saw so much of myself in your words...I spent over 7 years battling with substance abuse issues. The feeling of powerlessness, the constant defeat, these things wear on the psyche.
Rational Recovery worked for me.
The hardest part is remembering how to live a sober life, what it means to spend every moment present and accounted for. They say people who abuse substances do so, not for answers, but to forget the questions. Living a forgetful life is easy, living a life well remembered is very difficult.
However, I can unequivocally say all the effort needed to remain sober in a society obsessed with intoxication is 100% completely worth it.
"Wakefulness is the way to life.
The fool sleeps
As if he were already dead,
But the master is awake
And he lives forever.
He watches.
He is clear.
How happy he is!
For he sees that wakefulness is life.
How happy he is,
Following the path of the awakened.
With great perseverance
He meditates, seeking
Freedom and happiness.
So awake, reflect, watch.
Work with care and attention.
Live in the way
And the light will grow in you.
By watching and working
The master makes for himself an island
Which the flood cannot overwhelm.
The fool is careless.
But the master guards his watching.
It is his most precious treasure.
He never gives in to desire.
He meditates.
And in the strength of his resolve
He discovers true happiness.
He overcomes desire -
And from the tower of his wisdom
He looks down with dispassion
Upon the sorrowing crowd.
From the mountain top
He looks down at those
Who live close to the ground.
Mindful among the mindless,
Awake while others dream,
Swift as the race horse
He outstrips the field.
By watching
Indra became king of the gods.
How wonderful it is to watch.
How foolish to sleep.
The beggar who guards his mind
And fears the waywardness of his thoughts
Burns through every bond
With the fire of his vigilance.
The beggar who guards his mind
And fears his own confusion
Cannot fall.
He has found his way to peace."
-Dhammapada
posted by satori_movement at 9:35 AM on October 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
Rational Recovery worked for me.
The hardest part is remembering how to live a sober life, what it means to spend every moment present and accounted for. They say people who abuse substances do so, not for answers, but to forget the questions. Living a forgetful life is easy, living a life well remembered is very difficult.
However, I can unequivocally say all the effort needed to remain sober in a society obsessed with intoxication is 100% completely worth it.
"Wakefulness is the way to life.
The fool sleeps
As if he were already dead,
But the master is awake
And he lives forever.
He watches.
He is clear.
How happy he is!
For he sees that wakefulness is life.
How happy he is,
Following the path of the awakened.
With great perseverance
He meditates, seeking
Freedom and happiness.
So awake, reflect, watch.
Work with care and attention.
Live in the way
And the light will grow in you.
By watching and working
The master makes for himself an island
Which the flood cannot overwhelm.
The fool is careless.
But the master guards his watching.
It is his most precious treasure.
He never gives in to desire.
He meditates.
And in the strength of his resolve
He discovers true happiness.
He overcomes desire -
And from the tower of his wisdom
He looks down with dispassion
Upon the sorrowing crowd.
From the mountain top
He looks down at those
Who live close to the ground.
Mindful among the mindless,
Awake while others dream,
Swift as the race horse
He outstrips the field.
By watching
Indra became king of the gods.
How wonderful it is to watch.
How foolish to sleep.
The beggar who guards his mind
And fears the waywardness of his thoughts
Burns through every bond
With the fire of his vigilance.
The beggar who guards his mind
And fears his own confusion
Cannot fall.
He has found his way to peace."
-Dhammapada
posted by satori_movement at 9:35 AM on October 4, 2010 [6 favorites]
You're not alone in how you feel and you seem aware of yourself, that's a good start.
I've been sober in AA for 26 years and don't like some meetings or the people there.
My mind still goes 10,000 mph.
Call AA Intergroup near you and find a Beginner's meeting...even if you're still drinking.
Go early so you can talk one on one with someone, stay late and approach a person who said something you liked. Get phone numbers.
If you can find a meeting you like and someone you can talk to AND not drink just for today you can change your life!
Good luck!
posted by jara1953 at 9:41 AM on October 4, 2010
I've been sober in AA for 26 years and don't like some meetings or the people there.
My mind still goes 10,000 mph.
Call AA Intergroup near you and find a Beginner's meeting...even if you're still drinking.
Go early so you can talk one on one with someone, stay late and approach a person who said something you liked. Get phone numbers.
If you can find a meeting you like and someone you can talk to AND not drink just for today you can change your life!
Good luck!
posted by jara1953 at 9:41 AM on October 4, 2010
Wow, you are a bit down the road. Thanks for writing. I will make the same suggestions as will many others. Nothing but nothing will change (except for the worse) until you stop drinking. Whether it takes inpatient rehab, and/or AA and/or just stopping you will have to do what makes sense for you an what you are prepared to make a commitment. Given some other things you mentioned I would very strongly ( i.e.very strongly) recommend you immediately see a psychiatrist and see if you might benefit from a whole new generation of drugs. The racing thoughts, multiple projects, intensity outgoing personality, etc hints that you may have a tad of bipolar disorder. The vast majority of persons with bipolar (or unipolar hypomanic states ) have concurrent problems with alcohol/substance abuse. Some of the newer antipsychotics are also used in smaller doses (subtherapeutic) to manage the racing thoughts and anxiety that are often associated with alcoholism. These newer drugs are not addictive and do not lead to tolerance. They do need to be relatively carefully monitored. As for AA--it is best to visit numerous different meeting until you find one that might work for you. Most alcoholics find them off putting early on--but you have one very important thing in common with the others. You are an alcoholic--visit a number of them before you write it off. They are available world wide. But remember--drugs no drugs, AA no AA. The drinking must stop if you are to gain control over your life. Feel free to write if I can steer you onto any potential resources.
posted by rmhsinc at 9:42 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rmhsinc at 9:42 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
At the risk of minimizing the problem, you have one very simple answer - Stop drinking.
All the rest just helps keep you on the straight-and-narrow when weakness strikes.
posted by pla at 9:43 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
All the rest just helps keep you on the straight-and-narrow when weakness strikes.
posted by pla at 9:43 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Go to a meeting. If it sucks, go to a different one. If you go to five and they all suck, maybe it's you; go back to the first one and listen more carefully.
Also, call your doctor. He or she may well have information about alcohol cessation programs that could help you out.
Courage, and good luck. Just by writing this post, you have begun your journey to recovery.
posted by KathrynT at 9:48 AM on October 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, call your doctor. He or she may well have information about alcohol cessation programs that could help you out.
Courage, and good luck. Just by writing this post, you have begun your journey to recovery.
posted by KathrynT at 9:48 AM on October 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Pla sort of nailed my advice. So, seconding that. Also, look into Rational Recovery and Secular Organization for Sobriety.
good luck!
posted by broadway bill at 9:51 AM on October 4, 2010
good luck!
posted by broadway bill at 9:51 AM on October 4, 2010
While AA is not for everyone, it is a therapy that works for many, many people. Its a social theraly (people working with each other) and so may be right up your alley. Give it a shot, and as xingcat mentioned, you may want to try a number of different groups because they can be very different (again because the active ingredient is the people there).
I may be way off base, but do you think you have other stuff going on that you are self-medicating with the alchohol? The only reason I mention it is that iff you do, you might want to couple AA (or whatever works for you) with individual therapy. a problem you can run into if you are self-medicating with alchohol is once you remove it, the other stuff can come boiling up. Good luck.
posted by rtimmel at 9:52 AM on October 4, 2010
I may be way off base, but do you think you have other stuff going on that you are self-medicating with the alchohol? The only reason I mention it is that iff you do, you might want to couple AA (or whatever works for you) with individual therapy. a problem you can run into if you are self-medicating with alchohol is once you remove it, the other stuff can come boiling up. Good luck.
posted by rtimmel at 9:52 AM on October 4, 2010
On preview what rmhsinc said. Plus, if you have been drinking very heavily for around ten year, you could run into some searious physical withdrawal issues. See a doctor.
posted by rtimmel at 9:55 AM on October 4, 2010
posted by rtimmel at 9:55 AM on October 4, 2010
Unfortunately, you sound a lot like myself. Except that I gave up on buying domains with the dream of making the next big thing.
It sounds like your main problem is your addiction to alcohol. Until you get over that, your work and life habits will remain the same and there's nothing you can do about that because every change you try to make will revolve around your access to alcohol and time spent getting drunk, which if you'll notice has probably increased over the years. At one point I could barely suffer through six hours of sitting at my desk but would think nothing of spending eight to ten hours sitting on a barstool getting hammered.
Going away to put distance between you and your problems at home? Good luck with that. You'll simply find people there that share your addiction and you'll fit right in with them. You can't avoid it because the booze is your escape and release from whatever problem it is you're working on. It's a natural reaction regardless of the context whether you're having difficulties with securing funding for a project or dealing with the fact that the corner store doesn't have the brand of smokes you want. It's a signal that you've already conquered all the easy stuff in your life and you're not ready and willing to take it to the next step.
My advice to you is to quit drinking and set up some easily achievable goals that can build on each other so that over a length of time you're able to transform your lifestyle without any major stress points as you wean yourself from the alcohol. Educate yourself, find new friends, get away from the computer and find someone who's company you enjoy without the need for a drink.
It's the booze that is doing it to you and once you realize that, quitting is easier. Also, keep money tight. There's nothing worse than being loaded with time on your hands.
posted by jsavimbi at 10:04 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your main problem is your addiction to alcohol. Until you get over that, your work and life habits will remain the same and there's nothing you can do about that because every change you try to make will revolve around your access to alcohol and time spent getting drunk, which if you'll notice has probably increased over the years. At one point I could barely suffer through six hours of sitting at my desk but would think nothing of spending eight to ten hours sitting on a barstool getting hammered.
Going away to put distance between you and your problems at home? Good luck with that. You'll simply find people there that share your addiction and you'll fit right in with them. You can't avoid it because the booze is your escape and release from whatever problem it is you're working on. It's a natural reaction regardless of the context whether you're having difficulties with securing funding for a project or dealing with the fact that the corner store doesn't have the brand of smokes you want. It's a signal that you've already conquered all the easy stuff in your life and you're not ready and willing to take it to the next step.
My advice to you is to quit drinking and set up some easily achievable goals that can build on each other so that over a length of time you're able to transform your lifestyle without any major stress points as you wean yourself from the alcohol. Educate yourself, find new friends, get away from the computer and find someone who's company you enjoy without the need for a drink.
It's the booze that is doing it to you and once you realize that, quitting is easier. Also, keep money tight. There's nothing worse than being loaded with time on your hands.
posted by jsavimbi at 10:04 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your mind wants to drink, so of course it's going to view AA meetings as dull and stupid. The alcoholism (demon or devil if you prefer) will try to convince you that any method you use to try to stop is less interesting than continuing to drink. Well, of course, nothing is going to produce the same calming stupor as drinking. Sorry.
I'm asking you to see that your resistance is part of the disease and is not an inherent quality of AA or other groups. I've known tons of cool, fun, clever and outgoing people who are in AA. If the meetings themselves suck, go out for coffee afterwards.
posted by desjardins at 10:05 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm asking you to see that your resistance is part of the disease and is not an inherent quality of AA or other groups. I've known tons of cool, fun, clever and outgoing people who are in AA. If the meetings themselves suck, go out for coffee afterwards.
posted by desjardins at 10:05 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm a big believer in windows of opportunity. Who knows why we do the things we do, for years and year and years. Who knows why one day we are struck with realizations. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, I highly suggest reaching out immediately. Don't think your way out of it. People often give themselves the impression that they have "things to do" before they get help. It's awful. There's a happier life out there for you. Maybe call your friend that you supported in AA.
posted by phaedon at 10:10 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by phaedon at 10:10 AM on October 4, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree that AA is worth trying no matter how turned off you might feel at first. I know a few people who had a really hard time with AA at first, especially with the whole higher power part, but eventually they found a way to make the meetings and philosophy work for them, and as a result they've stayed sober for many years.
Good luck. I think putting this out there on Metafilter was your first step towards recovery.
posted by tacoma1 at 10:21 AM on October 4, 2010
Good luck. I think putting this out there on Metafilter was your first step towards recovery.
posted by tacoma1 at 10:21 AM on October 4, 2010
Yeah. rtimmel is spot on. Doctor is essential for detox advice.
And nthing trying out different meetings. Also read some AA material. Give it a real go, and try very hard to accept that there might be things about it you don't like, but there might also be some stuff that's useful for you there.
If you end up deciding that AA isn't for you, try to make that decision based not on what you hate about it, but based instead on things that you've learned about yourself through your interaction with it and thus it's utility (or lack of) for you. Use the experience to get a better sense of who you are and what would be right for you. Then you've got a basis to start looking for (or creating) other means of getting and keeping yourself sober.
There's also a whole lot of practical stuff you want to do for yourself:
A big one is get healthy. Eat well. Exercise (helps with regulating diet, sleep, racing thoughts). Set up stable sleep routines.
Another big one is finding a social life that doesn't revolve around drinking. Even if it's not AA, you should be joining groups and forming networks that get you away from your self and your demons for a while.
Also try to keep your living circumstances and close personal relationships as stable as possible for a little while. You'll be fragile for a time, so if your family and sober friends can circle the wagons around you, ask them to do so.
And I guess have a long hard look at the anger as well. It might be a product of your drinking and unfulfilled potential, or it might be a cause of it. Or both. Now that you've got a bit more commitment, get back in touch with that therapist (or a different one), and do some work on it. The therapy doesn't have to be major and life changing in itself, but it helps a lot if it gets you to a position where you're a bit happier and you have a sense that things can continue to get better.
Best of luck.
posted by Ahab at 10:35 AM on October 4, 2010
And nthing trying out different meetings. Also read some AA material. Give it a real go, and try very hard to accept that there might be things about it you don't like, but there might also be some stuff that's useful for you there.
If you end up deciding that AA isn't for you, try to make that decision based not on what you hate about it, but based instead on things that you've learned about yourself through your interaction with it and thus it's utility (or lack of) for you. Use the experience to get a better sense of who you are and what would be right for you. Then you've got a basis to start looking for (or creating) other means of getting and keeping yourself sober.
There's also a whole lot of practical stuff you want to do for yourself:
A big one is get healthy. Eat well. Exercise (helps with regulating diet, sleep, racing thoughts). Set up stable sleep routines.
Another big one is finding a social life that doesn't revolve around drinking. Even if it's not AA, you should be joining groups and forming networks that get you away from your self and your demons for a while.
Also try to keep your living circumstances and close personal relationships as stable as possible for a little while. You'll be fragile for a time, so if your family and sober friends can circle the wagons around you, ask them to do so.
And I guess have a long hard look at the anger as well. It might be a product of your drinking and unfulfilled potential, or it might be a cause of it. Or both. Now that you've got a bit more commitment, get back in touch with that therapist (or a different one), and do some work on it. The therapy doesn't have to be major and life changing in itself, but it helps a lot if it gets you to a position where you're a bit happier and you have a sense that things can continue to get better.
Best of luck.
posted by Ahab at 10:35 AM on October 4, 2010
Feel free to memail me if you'd like to talk.
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:11 AM on October 4, 2010
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:11 AM on October 4, 2010
I had have a problem with alcohol, for I am an alcoholic, and I will never be able to successfully drink.
For me, being an alcoholic means:
I don't drink any more, but I know if I do, I will eventually not be able to stop. When I was drinking, I was able to control how much I drank, but I did not enjoy it. Once I allowed enjoyment of it, I could not control it for long, if at all.
I have destroyed relationships, I have lost jobs, I have lost any purpose I once had in my life. I have made promises; both with regards to my drinking and in general, which I wholeheartedly meant at the time, but would not and could not fulfill. I have drank against my will. For years.
I have hated the man I saw in the mirror, for he was weak, foolish, a liar, a thief, a womanizer, a pervert, and a scoundrel.
I have known insanity. I have known what it feels like to completely lose the ability to make a good decision. I have known crippling fear. I have known the endless cyclone of a thought storm, where I am compelled to come up with a solution to every possible outcome of every possible variant of every possible situation which I have faced, am facing and may one day face.
I have dwelled on and lamented the unchangeable past; both my sins and the hurts done to me until I could not go on. Could not think one more thought, and oblivion is all I craved. I have felt the endless discomfort of not wanting to drink only when I'm drunk. Spending every waking moment until I am drinking craving a drink, finding relief, ease and comfort in the first hour of drinking, and then spiralling into a morass of self-pity, self-destruction, despair and anger thereafter.
I have known hopelessness and futility incarnate: Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
I have felt all these things, and they were wounds that would not and could not heal.
I have been shown a solution.
It's in talking to people who can truly relate to how I felt, in the way that only someone who has felt those very same things can. Not someone who has read about it, or lived with an alcoholic, or has a few letters after their names. But someone who has walked the same dark path. There are millions of us. It's knowing that the people I find and talk to have the same thing I do, felt the same way I did... but they don't any more. And it's finding out what they did to not feel that way, and doing it. Whether I think it works or not. Whether I Believe or not. It doesn't matter. It works. Go to a meeting, if only because it's where you can find the most amount of people who once felt like you do, and find out what they did to not feel that way. It's keeping an open mind. I thought I had all the answers, that I must have all the answers, that life was a test, and "I don't know" was not allowed. But I found that "I don't know" was actually the answer all along. And I don't feel the things I once felt. I know calm. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, just like everyone else, but generally speaking, I know calm overall.
memail me if you ever want to talk, vent, or whatever is on your mind. It's the only way a hopeless drunk like me can stay sober, for it's not about me, it's about you. And that's just the way it should be.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:15 AM on October 4, 2010 [7 favorites]
For me, being an alcoholic means:
I don't drink any more, but I know if I do, I will eventually not be able to stop. When I was drinking, I was able to control how much I drank, but I did not enjoy it. Once I allowed enjoyment of it, I could not control it for long, if at all.
I have destroyed relationships, I have lost jobs, I have lost any purpose I once had in my life. I have made promises; both with regards to my drinking and in general, which I wholeheartedly meant at the time, but would not and could not fulfill. I have drank against my will. For years.
I have hated the man I saw in the mirror, for he was weak, foolish, a liar, a thief, a womanizer, a pervert, and a scoundrel.
I have known insanity. I have known what it feels like to completely lose the ability to make a good decision. I have known crippling fear. I have known the endless cyclone of a thought storm, where I am compelled to come up with a solution to every possible outcome of every possible variant of every possible situation which I have faced, am facing and may one day face.
I have dwelled on and lamented the unchangeable past; both my sins and the hurts done to me until I could not go on. Could not think one more thought, and oblivion is all I craved. I have felt the endless discomfort of not wanting to drink only when I'm drunk. Spending every waking moment until I am drinking craving a drink, finding relief, ease and comfort in the first hour of drinking, and then spiralling into a morass of self-pity, self-destruction, despair and anger thereafter.
I have known hopelessness and futility incarnate: Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.
I have felt all these things, and they were wounds that would not and could not heal.
I have been shown a solution.
It's in talking to people who can truly relate to how I felt, in the way that only someone who has felt those very same things can. Not someone who has read about it, or lived with an alcoholic, or has a few letters after their names. But someone who has walked the same dark path. There are millions of us. It's knowing that the people I find and talk to have the same thing I do, felt the same way I did... but they don't any more. And it's finding out what they did to not feel that way, and doing it. Whether I think it works or not. Whether I Believe or not. It doesn't matter. It works. Go to a meeting, if only because it's where you can find the most amount of people who once felt like you do, and find out what they did to not feel that way. It's keeping an open mind. I thought I had all the answers, that I must have all the answers, that life was a test, and "I don't know" was not allowed. But I found that "I don't know" was actually the answer all along. And I don't feel the things I once felt. I know calm. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, just like everyone else, but generally speaking, I know calm overall.
memail me if you ever want to talk, vent, or whatever is on your mind. It's the only way a hopeless drunk like me can stay sober, for it's not about me, it's about you. And that's just the way it should be.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:15 AM on October 4, 2010 [7 favorites]
Go to an AA meeting before the sun sets today. Go to another one after the sun sets. In between, call your doctor and make an appointment for a checkup. Go to a meeting that meets about the time of day you usually start drinking and continue to go once or twice a day for ninety days. Don't drink. Tell yourself for ninety days, the only thing that really matters is going to meetings and not drinking, one day at a time.
Don't take drugs unless prescribed by a doctor to whom you have made full disclosure. Read the big book (the same one of which the marked up manuscript recently sold for well over a million dollars). The language seems exceedingly quaint but keep trying to read it until your mind stops spinning and you can actually read. That took about six weeks for me. There's a chapter in there about how an alcoholic thinks. It nails it. So did your post. There's a line somewhere that describes alcoholics as childish, sensitive, and grandiose. After quoting that to a theatrical friend, she exclaimed, "But darling, that's the only kind of people I like!"
Those meetings are all different. It's not going to be love at first sight. You'll hate some of them but you'll probably find a home and kindred spirits at others. The first Thanksgiving I went to a midday meeting because I'd worn out my welcome other places. There were three other people there: a law professor who had been Order of the Coif, editor in chief of the law review and top of his class at Yale, an acclaimed Southern writer, and a psychiatrist, also a Yalie, who'd recently completed a jail sentence. They joked that we came to AA from Yale or from jail--or both. Our gallows humor got us through that day and we didn't drink. After that, two illustrious careers arose from the ashes, families were mended and remade. One of us died drunk. I'm still here.
What have you got to lose?
posted by Anitanola at 11:19 AM on October 4, 2010
Don't take drugs unless prescribed by a doctor to whom you have made full disclosure. Read the big book (the same one of which the marked up manuscript recently sold for well over a million dollars). The language seems exceedingly quaint but keep trying to read it until your mind stops spinning and you can actually read. That took about six weeks for me. There's a chapter in there about how an alcoholic thinks. It nails it. So did your post. There's a line somewhere that describes alcoholics as childish, sensitive, and grandiose. After quoting that to a theatrical friend, she exclaimed, "But darling, that's the only kind of people I like!"
Those meetings are all different. It's not going to be love at first sight. You'll hate some of them but you'll probably find a home and kindred spirits at others. The first Thanksgiving I went to a midday meeting because I'd worn out my welcome other places. There were three other people there: a law professor who had been Order of the Coif, editor in chief of the law review and top of his class at Yale, an acclaimed Southern writer, and a psychiatrist, also a Yalie, who'd recently completed a jail sentence. They joked that we came to AA from Yale or from jail--or both. Our gallows humor got us through that day and we didn't drink. After that, two illustrious careers arose from the ashes, families were mended and remade. One of us died drunk. I'm still here.
What have you got to lose?
posted by Anitanola at 11:19 AM on October 4, 2010
You have the benefit of coming to this realization on your own, at a relatively young age. I think that will help you a great deal.
posted by theora55 at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2010
posted by theora55 at 12:43 PM on October 4, 2010
You could very easily spend the next 7 years of your life "looking at AA." You could look at Rational Recovery and LifeRing too. It's entirely possible that you could remain in the "planning to quit drinking" stage for the rest of your life. Go make an appointment with your doctor now. When they ask what the appointment is for, tell them that you want to stop drinking. Go on from there.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:57 PM on October 4, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:57 PM on October 4, 2010
Congrats on hearing the music, and facing it. It took me a long, long time to accept that I wasn't just Wine's Biggest Fan. In my case AA had no appeal. Instead I took a generic medication, daily for about six months, following a protocol known as the Sinclair Method of pharmacological extinction. I've been tracking my drinking for over a year. (My intake day-by-day, or month-by-month). I basically no longer drink; I'll have a glass or something if the occasion calls for it, but it's more to be polite than anything else. I do not fear alcohol or even work to avoid it. Actually it takes more effort to drink than not to (since I will not drink without first taking naltrexone).
Anyway, there are many paths. One will resonate for you, and you can be successful. Awareness is the gift you have given yourself already. The next step is to take a step. Now is the time to move forward. Your doctor is a great place to start.
posted by cairnish at 3:23 PM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Anyway, there are many paths. One will resonate for you, and you can be successful. Awareness is the gift you have given yourself already. The next step is to take a step. Now is the time to move forward. Your doctor is a great place to start.
posted by cairnish at 3:23 PM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
« Older Help me volunteer at a refugee camp! | Help me sort through the tax issues of being an... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
What the meetings give you is a place to be where you're not drinking. People to be with who aren't drinking, and a thing to do that isn't sitting alone, drinking.
Even if you don't care for the meeting style and the people there, keep going. Go to different meetings and find a style you like. Do that for at least a month, every day. What that gives you is routine and accountability. It gives you something to focus on besides how miserable you are not drinking.
While AA might not be for everyone, it's free, anonymous, easily accessed and THERE.
Good luck.
posted by xingcat at 9:30 AM on October 4, 2010 [2 favorites]