Some things are probably better left unsaid.
September 13, 2010 2:00 PM Subscribe
Should I say anything or just let it go?
Long story short, a good friend of mine told me that her ex significant other whom she still lives with (as roomates) is interested in me. My friend is in a relationship and I really believe her when she tells me that she and her ex are just friends. Sooo..I was kind of floored when she told me this because to be honest, I felt "something" when I met him. However, he hasn't said a word to me and I'm probably answering my own question here, but I'm sure if he wanted me to know he'd say something. I would love to see where this goes, long distance and all.. if he would say something but..he hasn't. He doesn't have any idea that she told me about this, which makes me wonder why she even told me! Hmm.
Long story short, a good friend of mine told me that her ex significant other whom she still lives with (as roomates) is interested in me. My friend is in a relationship and I really believe her when she tells me that she and her ex are just friends. Sooo..I was kind of floored when she told me this because to be honest, I felt "something" when I met him. However, he hasn't said a word to me and I'm probably answering my own question here, but I'm sure if he wanted me to know he'd say something. I would love to see where this goes, long distance and all.. if he would say something but..he hasn't. He doesn't have any idea that she told me about this, which makes me wonder why she even told me! Hmm.
"long distance and all.."
Do you mean he lives far away? Or are you referring to the relationship going a long distance (as in time)?
Because if it's long distance as in far away, that could be why he hasn't mentioned it. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with that.
but I'm sure if he wanted me to know he'd say something.
Well, have you seen him since? Do you talk to him online or on the phone?
Also, did he seem shy? Maybe he's just shy and he might've just mentioned something about you in passing to her.
posted by KogeLiz at 2:07 PM on September 13, 2010
Do you mean he lives far away? Or are you referring to the relationship going a long distance (as in time)?
Because if it's long distance as in far away, that could be why he hasn't mentioned it. Maybe he doesn't want to deal with that.
but I'm sure if he wanted me to know he'd say something.
Well, have you seen him since? Do you talk to him online or on the phone?
Also, did he seem shy? Maybe he's just shy and he might've just mentioned something about you in passing to her.
posted by KogeLiz at 2:07 PM on September 13, 2010
I don't know how to say this without it sounding snide: how about acting on what people actually say and do, not on guesses and rumors about what others think they feel?
Possibilities include:
- Ask him out. If he's not available, he should say so.
- Tell him what she said and ask him if it's true.
- Don't do anything. If he feels this way, wait until he actually acts on it.
posted by tippiedog at 2:07 PM on September 13, 2010
Possibilities include:
- Ask him out. If he's not available, he should say so.
- Tell him what she said and ask him if it's true.
- Don't do anything. If he feels this way, wait until he actually acts on it.
posted by tippiedog at 2:07 PM on September 13, 2010
what? just make the first move already. don't say you heard anything, just ask him out the next time he's in town. beating about the bush is silly.
posted by shmegegge at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by shmegegge at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2010
If you are on facebook, you could start that way.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010
I'm confused.. What exactly do think is better left unsaid here? If you're concerned about stepping on your friend's feelings, you could quite easily double-check and say "are you saying I should go out with him?" If she doesn't have a problem with it, then ask him out.
posted by modernnomad at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by modernnomad at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010
Your hands.
You're sitting on them.
One should not sit on their hands.
It makes it difficult to reach out and grasp opportunities that might make you happy.
Thus endeth the lesson.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:16 PM on September 13, 2010 [28 favorites]
You're sitting on them.
One should not sit on their hands.
It makes it difficult to reach out and grasp opportunities that might make you happy.
Thus endeth the lesson.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:16 PM on September 13, 2010 [28 favorites]
Getting a third party to feel out interest levels is a time-honored tactic. So is trying to set your single friend up with someone you think they might work with. So if you're up for it, use your 3rd party conduit. Or for that matter, go straight to the horses' mouth for answers & speak to him. But yeah: Sounds like your friend is totally greenlighting you making a move, the only question is, is it her idea or his?
posted by Ys at 2:16 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ys at 2:16 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
maybe the reason he hasn't said anything to you is that he mentioned his interest in you to his ex, in expectation that she would mention it to you, hoping that if you were also interested you would either let the ex know or get in touch with him yourself? not the most expedient way to get things going but it also would save him a lot of potential embarrassment should you not return the interest.
- Tell him what she said and ask him if it's true.
i wouldn't do this. i would just email him to say hi and ask him how he was doing. if he's interested, he'll reply.
posted by violetk at 2:17 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
- Tell him what she said and ask him if it's true.
i wouldn't do this. i would just email him to say hi and ask him how he was doing. if he's interested, he'll reply.
posted by violetk at 2:17 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You know your friend better than I do, obviously, but I'm going to throw this out there: You might want to rethink pursuing this if you value your friendship with her. Yes she is in a new relationship and she and her ex are just friends. Maybe things will be ok if you start dating him. What if they're not though? What if she doesn't realize that it will bug her and it does? You could absolutely say that she basically encouraged you to do it and you would be right. You could argue that she needs to get over it and again you would be right. But the weirdness would still be there. Is going out with this guy worth that kind of drama in your friendship?
posted by Kimberly at 2:30 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Kimberly at 2:30 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To the person that asked about him being shy..yes, we are both shy.
posted by iabide79 at 2:31 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by iabide79 at 2:31 PM on September 13, 2010
Best answer: While I am sure that there are non-dysfunctional ex's that live together post-break and then procure new romantic interests for each other..... I'm wondering why you would want to touch this situation, even with a ten foot pole?
Another way of saying it is this:
Wait for the guy to make at least some indication directly to you that he's interested before reaching out. Even if he had is ex girlfriend/roommate make an inquiry on his behalf, I think you want to see him act on his own now that he knows you are a possibility. Only date folks who are mature enough to handle their feelings and interactions with you personally w/out go-betweens. You're worth it.
posted by jbenben at 2:39 PM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Another way of saying it is this:
Wait for the guy to make at least some indication directly to you that he's interested before reaching out. Even if he had is ex girlfriend/roommate make an inquiry on his behalf, I think you want to see him act on his own now that he knows you are a possibility. Only date folks who are mature enough to handle their feelings and interactions with you personally w/out go-betweens. You're worth it.
posted by jbenben at 2:39 PM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
Yeah, tread carefully. This is the type of thing that can put a rift between friends. But they told you it was OK, so give it a go.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 2:46 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by Threeway Handshake at 2:46 PM on September 13, 2010
I was good friends with a married couple once. They broke up when she left her husband for the man she'd been seeing on the side. She strongly encouraged her ex and I to start seeing each other. Things were fine for a couple of months, we even all had coffee together.
Then her behaviour changed. She starting 'dropping in' unexpectedly if she suspected her ex was at my house. She drove by multiple times every day and night, checking to see if he was with me or not, and if he was, she'd honk the horn to let us know that she knew he was there. She enlisted other friends to ring me and tell me that he was cheating on me (which I don't believe he was).
She had decided - and she actually told me this - that while she didn't want him, she didn't want anyone else to have him either. And then he admitted to me that I was the 'rebound' girlfriend, and he thought the best way to get back at his ex-wife was to start seeing me, one of her closest friends.
It didn't end well. I'd strongly advise you to tread carefully. Sure, I agree with the others telling you to ask him out, but be very careful you're not being used as a pawn like I was.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:52 PM on September 13, 2010
Then her behaviour changed. She starting 'dropping in' unexpectedly if she suspected her ex was at my house. She drove by multiple times every day and night, checking to see if he was with me or not, and if he was, she'd honk the horn to let us know that she knew he was there. She enlisted other friends to ring me and tell me that he was cheating on me (which I don't believe he was).
She had decided - and she actually told me this - that while she didn't want him, she didn't want anyone else to have him either. And then he admitted to me that I was the 'rebound' girlfriend, and he thought the best way to get back at his ex-wife was to start seeing me, one of her closest friends.
It didn't end well. I'd strongly advise you to tread carefully. Sure, I agree with the others telling you to ask him out, but be very careful you're not being used as a pawn like I was.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 2:52 PM on September 13, 2010
I can see by the answers that you're favoriting you've kind of made up your mind here... but let me try. I have many exes that I've a) lived with without romance and b) been more than happy to have my friends date. Some people can and do separate their past emotions from their present emotions.
If your friend specifically told you about her ex's feelings then why would you even have second thoughts about it? I mean she didn't have to say anything at all. The very least you can do is verify and see if the interest is there.
posted by patheral at 3:01 PM on September 13, 2010
If your friend specifically told you about her ex's feelings then why would you even have second thoughts about it? I mean she didn't have to say anything at all. The very least you can do is verify and see if the interest is there.
posted by patheral at 3:01 PM on September 13, 2010
to those of you who are warning the OP that it could create drama with the friend, i can completely understand this but i would also like to point something out and that is this:
i was once asked out by a guy who, before we ended up going on the date, i found out had actually been dating, on and off (but not in a relationship with) a friend of mine. she wasn't a super close friend but we would go out to dinner and drinks every month or so. when we made the discovery, the guy talked to her and broke things off with her because he wanted to see how things panned out with me. she told him she was fine with it. i also spoke with her to make sure she was okay with it, telling her i wouldn't go out with the guy if she had a problem with it because i had nothing invested, having not really known him. she swore up and down she didn't. turned out she did, stopped talking to me, and told some mutual friends what i can only imagine, based on subsequent conversations with them, must have been to the effect that i would stab anyone in the back to find a guy.
she stopped talking to me and effectively ended our friendship, as did a few of our mutual friends. yes, i was upset about that. but i also realized something: that if these "friends" weren't honest with enough with themselves and me, thus causing them to resent me for doing something as a result of their self-deception, then i didn't need their friendship because a) my friend wasn't mature enough to admit to me that she would have a problem with it, b) my friend wasn't mature enough to me to talk to me after the fact about having a big problem with it, preferring instead to drop me, and c) that none of the other friends, who actually knew me better and longer, would drop me based solely on what she told them transpired.
posted by violetk at 4:14 PM on September 13, 2010
i was once asked out by a guy who, before we ended up going on the date, i found out had actually been dating, on and off (but not in a relationship with) a friend of mine. she wasn't a super close friend but we would go out to dinner and drinks every month or so. when we made the discovery, the guy talked to her and broke things off with her because he wanted to see how things panned out with me. she told him she was fine with it. i also spoke with her to make sure she was okay with it, telling her i wouldn't go out with the guy if she had a problem with it because i had nothing invested, having not really known him. she swore up and down she didn't. turned out she did, stopped talking to me, and told some mutual friends what i can only imagine, based on subsequent conversations with them, must have been to the effect that i would stab anyone in the back to find a guy.
she stopped talking to me and effectively ended our friendship, as did a few of our mutual friends. yes, i was upset about that. but i also realized something: that if these "friends" weren't honest with enough with themselves and me, thus causing them to resent me for doing something as a result of their self-deception, then i didn't need their friendship because a) my friend wasn't mature enough to admit to me that she would have a problem with it, b) my friend wasn't mature enough to me to talk to me after the fact about having a big problem with it, preferring instead to drop me, and c) that none of the other friends, who actually knew me better and longer, would drop me based solely on what she told them transpired.
posted by violetk at 4:14 PM on September 13, 2010
Shy guys are not for you, obviously. Do him a favor and stay away.
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 1:28 AM on September 14, 2010
posted by Rich Smorgasbord at 1:28 AM on September 14, 2010
Could you ask your friend whether she would be okay with it if you were in a relationship with this guy? Can you ask your friend directly if she would mind if you asked him out? Let her know that you value her friendship and don't want to step on her toes. Then, whatever answer she gives, respect her word. If she says she's okay with it, believe her.
posted by PersonAndSalt at 6:38 AM on September 14, 2010
posted by PersonAndSalt at 6:38 AM on September 14, 2010
Response by poster: I'm going to just wait and see if he says anything before I say anything. If he says anything, that is.
To Rich, we are both shy people! :) It's not a question of whether or not he is "not for me,"
I think I would be embarrassed if I said something to him and it turned out he didn't actually say anything or REALLY didn't want me to know,reason being he lives far away and he happens to be my friends ex.
I guess writing this and actually seeing it in writing kind of hit home and made me realize what an awkward situation this is. It's definitely not worth losing a friend over, even if he is a very smart, funny, and awesome guy.
posted by iabide79 at 10:38 AM on September 14, 2010
To Rich, we are both shy people! :) It's not a question of whether or not he is "not for me,"
I think I would be embarrassed if I said something to him and it turned out he didn't actually say anything or REALLY didn't want me to know,reason being he lives far away and he happens to be my friends ex.
I guess writing this and actually seeing it in writing kind of hit home and made me realize what an awkward situation this is. It's definitely not worth losing a friend over, even if he is a very smart, funny, and awesome guy.
posted by iabide79 at 10:38 AM on September 14, 2010
Once upon a time, when I was in college, I had a friend tell me to go ahead, saying she'd be totally cool with it. I didn't even ask; she brought it up. Just like in your situation.
Well, maybe she THOUGHT she'd be cool. But it turned out she wasn't. There was drama, to say the least.
So based purely on my own experience, I would suggest you be very wary about pursuing her ex.
posted by Windigo at 1:17 PM on September 15, 2010
Well, maybe she THOUGHT she'd be cool. But it turned out she wasn't. There was drama, to say the least.
So based purely on my own experience, I would suggest you be very wary about pursuing her ex.
posted by Windigo at 1:17 PM on September 15, 2010
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:03 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]