wedding.. friday.. WTF
September 13, 2010 1:44 PM Subscribe
Who has their wedding on a friday afternoon? What is the etiquette here?
A friend is having his wedding at 4:00 on a friday afternoon... and then a reception at 7:30 at a totally different venue about 45 mins drive away.
His fiancée is big time catholic (he is less so and we are not) and the ceremony is at her home church. Judging by the invitation it is going to be a long drawn out church service.
Would it be lame to only show up to the reception? My wife and I would have to take a 1/2 day off work to go to the ceremony. The venue of the reception is very close to our house, the wedding itself is a drive.
A friend is having his wedding at 4:00 on a friday afternoon... and then a reception at 7:30 at a totally different venue about 45 mins drive away.
His fiancée is big time catholic (he is less so and we are not) and the ceremony is at her home church. Judging by the invitation it is going to be a long drawn out church service.
Would it be lame to only show up to the reception? My wife and I would have to take a 1/2 day off work to go to the ceremony. The venue of the reception is very close to our house, the wedding itself is a drive.
If you just don't care enough to go to the ceremony, yeah, it's probably rude just to show up for the reception. Particularly if the guest list is small enough that the couple will notice your absence. Or maybe this is their way of keeping the ceremony small? Honestly, who knows anymore, wedding planning has gotten a little out of control. Can you get any sense of the guest list size from your friend?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:49 PM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:49 PM on September 13, 2010 [5 favorites]
I've been to more than my fair share of long, drawn-out Catholic wedding ceremonies, and it's pretty common to see about half the people at the Church as you later see at the reception. Go to the reception, celebrate with the glowing newlyweds, have fun!
posted by ferociouskitty at 1:51 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by ferociouskitty at 1:51 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
I think in general, etiquette is to go to both, neither, or just the ceremony.
Honestly, who knows anymore, wedding planning has gotten a little out of control.
Word. Maybe they aren't expecting people to come to the ceremony in the first place? Or according to this site, some people have a "ceremony-only" list, which could explain the long period of time?
If your friends are straightforward then could you just ask them?
posted by muddgirl at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2010
Honestly, who knows anymore, wedding planning has gotten a little out of control.
Word. Maybe they aren't expecting people to come to the ceremony in the first place? Or according to this site, some people have a "ceremony-only" list, which could explain the long period of time?
If your friends are straightforward then could you just ask them?
posted by muddgirl at 1:52 PM on September 13, 2010
If asking is out of the question, can you figure out what type of ceremony it is? If it's a full wedding mass, that does take quite awhile compared to the simpler wedding ceremony.
posted by muddgirl at 1:53 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by muddgirl at 1:53 PM on September 13, 2010
It is totally cool to skip the Mass, especially if you are not religious and the whole thing is a big hassle.
It isn't really a long period of time logistically.
Mass 4 - 5:15, figure you dont get out of the church until 5:30, , get to the hall at 6:15, hour for pics. If she's very catholic they aren't doing pics before.
posted by JPD at 1:55 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
It isn't really a long period of time logistically.
Mass 4 - 5:15, figure you dont get out of the church until 5:30, , get to the hall at 6:15, hour for pics. If she's very catholic they aren't doing pics before.
posted by JPD at 1:55 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
In some cultures, the ceremony and reception are viewed as separate events, especially when they are in two separate locations. I've heard of some cases where the invite is to the reception only and not even to the ceremony (in cases where it's a small private affair).
If the reception is all you can go to (due to work schedule, travel time, etc), I think it's appropriate to celebrate what you can.
posted by watch out for turtles at 1:56 PM on September 13, 2010
If the reception is all you can go to (due to work schedule, travel time, etc), I think it's appropriate to celebrate what you can.
posted by watch out for turtles at 1:56 PM on September 13, 2010
Response by poster: It is a full wedding mass. The invitation was the itinerary of the mass... it looks long long long.
posted by outsider at 2:01 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by outsider at 2:01 PM on September 13, 2010
My experience is that whether you should go to the ceremony has everything to do with how close you are to the couple in question. If they're among your closest friends, they probably want you at the ceremony. However, your closest friends are the people most likely to understand if you don't show up to the ceremony, too. I have absolutely been to weddings where the expectation was that the ceremony would be the nearest and dearest and the reception was for everybody else to come along for the party.
The only real question is "how close are you to these people" and "how would they feel if you weren't there?" if you don't know the answer to the latter, then you're probably not close enough to them to be missed if you don't show up for the ceremony.
also, in case you want a verdict about the 4:00 pm friday thing:
people are in bad financial shape these days. weddings are out-of-control expensive. I've recently been to weddings that were actually on holidays so that not only did I lose a day off from work but an opportunity to go to other holiday related things I had hoped to attend. It's all because the wedding costs significantly less on the less-than-ideal days. Let people save money where they can. It's not rude anymore, so much as they're just trying to strike a compromise between the pressures of growing up in a society with these insane expectations for a wedding and the increasing wealth divide. It sucks that they're forcing people to make sacrifices just to attend the wedding, but think of it this way: It's a test of how much you like them. If you like them enough to make the sacrifice, make it. If you don't, don't go.
posted by shmegegge at 2:01 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
The only real question is "how close are you to these people" and "how would they feel if you weren't there?" if you don't know the answer to the latter, then you're probably not close enough to them to be missed if you don't show up for the ceremony.
also, in case you want a verdict about the 4:00 pm friday thing:
people are in bad financial shape these days. weddings are out-of-control expensive. I've recently been to weddings that were actually on holidays so that not only did I lose a day off from work but an opportunity to go to other holiday related things I had hoped to attend. It's all because the wedding costs significantly less on the less-than-ideal days. Let people save money where they can. It's not rude anymore, so much as they're just trying to strike a compromise between the pressures of growing up in a society with these insane expectations for a wedding and the increasing wealth divide. It sucks that they're forcing people to make sacrifices just to attend the wedding, but think of it this way: It's a test of how much you like them. If you like them enough to make the sacrifice, make it. If you don't, don't go.
posted by shmegegge at 2:01 PM on September 13, 2010 [2 favorites]
Who has their wedding on a friday afternoon?
People who are on a budget quickly discover that a Friday or Sunday wedding is insanely cheaper than a Saturday wedding. Thousands of dollars cheaper.
What is the etiquette here?
Generally, the same as it would be for a Saturday afternoon wedding.
Would it be lame to only show up to the reception?
IMHO, this would not be lame at all. As you pointed out, it would require you to take time off of work. If this is honestly a problem, I would tell the couple so. On the other hand, if it's more "I'm ticked because you're not doing a Saturday wedding", then it's slightly more lame.
Especially if your friend is "less Catholic", it will probably be just as meaningful for him to have you show up for the reception. After all, it's not just a show-up-and-eat-dinner thing. The reception is everyone celebrating the new marriage and wishing the couple well.
posted by specialagentwebb at 2:02 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
People who are on a budget quickly discover that a Friday or Sunday wedding is insanely cheaper than a Saturday wedding. Thousands of dollars cheaper.
What is the etiquette here?
Generally, the same as it would be for a Saturday afternoon wedding.
Would it be lame to only show up to the reception?
IMHO, this would not be lame at all. As you pointed out, it would require you to take time off of work. If this is honestly a problem, I would tell the couple so. On the other hand, if it's more "I'm ticked because you're not doing a Saturday wedding", then it's slightly more lame.
Especially if your friend is "less Catholic", it will probably be just as meaningful for him to have you show up for the reception. After all, it's not just a show-up-and-eat-dinner thing. The reception is everyone celebrating the new marriage and wishing the couple well.
posted by specialagentwebb at 2:02 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Would you feel comfortable just asking your friend? "I really wish we could attend the ceremony, but we both have to work. We'd love to join you and celebrate with you at the reception, though. Would that be all right?"
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010 [14 favorites]
Would it be lame to only show up to the reception?
Not at all; in fact, this is fairly common for Catholic weddings (even the usual Saturday type), in my experience. Seconding ferociouskitty's observation of the ceremony having about half as many guests present as the reception.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
Not at all; in fact, this is fairly common for Catholic weddings (even the usual Saturday type), in my experience. Seconding ferociouskitty's observation of the ceremony having about half as many guests present as the reception.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
Raised Catholic in the Midwest, and I can back ferocious kitty--only making the reception was far from unheard of, and generally not remarked-upon by most.
posted by stevis23 at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by stevis23 at 2:05 PM on September 13, 2010
It is a full wedding mass. The invitation was the itinerary of the mass... it looks long long long.
About 1.5 hours is typical for a full wedding mass.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2010
About 1.5 hours is typical for a full wedding mass.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:08 PM on September 13, 2010
Ah, the good old Catholic Gap.
Most Catholic churches have standard times you can choose from for your wedding, and you can't deviate from them -- the church's regular Mass schedule has to be accommodated for. (Our choices were either 5:00 on a Friday; or 10:00, noon, or 2:00 on Saturday. That was it. No other options.)
So essentially, if you want to have an evening reception, you will have a gap. It seems like they're cutting it as close as they possibly can.They probably didn't pick Friday afternoon to inconvenience anyone or exclude people -- it could just be what was available.
In our social circle, at least, it's pretty common for people to come to one event or the other -- I doubt the bride and groom would be offended; they'll probably just be happy that you can attend any part of the celebration at all.
posted by ThatSomething at 2:10 PM on September 13, 2010
Most Catholic churches have standard times you can choose from for your wedding, and you can't deviate from them -- the church's regular Mass schedule has to be accommodated for. (Our choices were either 5:00 on a Friday; or 10:00, noon, or 2:00 on Saturday. That was it. No other options.)
So essentially, if you want to have an evening reception, you will have a gap. It seems like they're cutting it as close as they possibly can.They probably didn't pick Friday afternoon to inconvenience anyone or exclude people -- it could just be what was available.
In our social circle, at least, it's pretty common for people to come to one event or the other -- I doubt the bride and groom would be offended; they'll probably just be happy that you can attend any part of the celebration at all.
posted by ThatSomething at 2:10 PM on September 13, 2010
My wife and I did a Friday afternoon wedding -- it's implicit that not everyone would be able to take the day off for the ceremony. As it was, the ceremony was for close family members and the reception was for a more general audience, so it worked out fine. Don't worry about missing the ceremony - Catholic church weddings are pretty cookie-cutter, so you won't miss much that's entertaining. At least this way you have a good excuse to ditch the church.
posted by benzenedream at 2:12 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by benzenedream at 2:12 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I got married on a Friday afternoon. But it was a totally different thing since the only guests were my parents. However, it's not a huge WTF. Couples can plan their event however they choose at whatever time works for them.
In your case, I agree with others who have suggested asking the happy couple if it would be all right for you to attend just the reception in light of your work schedule situation.
posted by hansbrough at 2:14 PM on September 13, 2010
In your case, I agree with others who have suggested asking the happy couple if it would be all right for you to attend just the reception in light of your work schedule situation.
posted by hansbrough at 2:14 PM on September 13, 2010
Re: why Friday, I can tell you that when I got married, the wedding venue we decided we wanted was (by the time we made that decision, January-ish) booked on all but one Saturday for the entire May-October period. We got that Saturday, but if we hadn't, it would've been a really tough call between having the ceremony somewhere else vs. having it Sunday or Friday. So maybe your friends were in a similar position.
Re: showing up to the reception only: although my initial reaction was "that seems a little tacky," my second, much more rational reaction was "I would never have noticed if someone did that at our wedding, so I guess it doesn't really matter." so yeah, skip the ceremony if you need to.
posted by chalkbored at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Re: showing up to the reception only: although my initial reaction was "that seems a little tacky," my second, much more rational reaction was "I would never have noticed if someone did that at our wedding, so I guess it doesn't really matter." so yeah, skip the ceremony if you need to.
posted by chalkbored at 2:15 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been to a few Catholic weddings, and can't remember any church services being much longer than an hour.
And yes, depending on the congregation, it can be a somewhat big deal to have the ceremony at the home church, and some Catholic priests will refuse to marry a couple that is not part of his congregation (this happened to my parents). For the weddings I've been to, the big Catholic ceremony was performed mainly for the benefit of the couple and their family, and the reception guests were encouraged (but not obligated) to attend.
As far as my own family goes, I can say fairly confidently that none of my (great many) "marrying-age" relatives would be offended if a friend skipped the ceremony, especially if it was being performed at an inconvenient time in a distant location. My grandparents might raise an eyebrow, but then again, very few things don't elicit that reaction from them these days.
It's also worth considering whether *she* is a hardcore Catholic, or comes from a Catholic family. In my part of the country, The Church has almost completely lost the 20-30 demographic (although many in this age bracket get married in a Catholic church for "cultural" reasons, and to appease their extended family. Non-practicing Catholics are the new Ethinic Jews.)
posted by schmod at 2:19 PM on September 13, 2010
And yes, depending on the congregation, it can be a somewhat big deal to have the ceremony at the home church, and some Catholic priests will refuse to marry a couple that is not part of his congregation (this happened to my parents). For the weddings I've been to, the big Catholic ceremony was performed mainly for the benefit of the couple and their family, and the reception guests were encouraged (but not obligated) to attend.
As far as my own family goes, I can say fairly confidently that none of my (great many) "marrying-age" relatives would be offended if a friend skipped the ceremony, especially if it was being performed at an inconvenient time in a distant location. My grandparents might raise an eyebrow, but then again, very few things don't elicit that reaction from them these days.
It's also worth considering whether *she* is a hardcore Catholic, or comes from a Catholic family. In my part of the country, The Church has almost completely lost the 20-30 demographic (although many in this age bracket get married in a Catholic church for "cultural" reasons, and to appease their extended family. Non-practicing Catholics are the new Ethinic Jews.)
posted by schmod at 2:19 PM on September 13, 2010
Just my experience: I got married last year, on a Saturday, in a Catholic ceremony with a full mass. Lasted about 45 minutes (we were efficient). About 3/4 of our guest list attended the ceremony, others just made it to the reception. I never thought badly of anyone who didn't make it to the ceremony.
We were blessed with a lot of people who wanted to travel a distance to be with us that day, but we also understood that with that travel comes some arrangements that have to be made. Some people couldn't make the ceremony due other obligations and some got stuck in traffic.
While the ceremony is technically the more important part of the day, we were just happy to celebrate any part of the day with the people we loved and cared about. We understood that not everyone could make it, for one reason or another, to the ceremony and that was fine with us. In fact, no one asked us whether it was OK to skip the ceremony or not. Some people made it, some people didn't. And we had other people who came to the ceremony who we hadn't actually invited to the reception (friends of friends and neighbors who knew us).
Amongst the people that I've known to get married on Fridays, it has also seemed more generally acceptable that things would come up that would prevent one from going to the ceremony.
(as another note, it was also hard for us to tell who was at the ceremony and who wasn't. My cousin recently told me a story about he got stuck in traffic, with his girlfriend, and walked in to the church about ten minutes after the ceremony started. I had no idea!)
Maybe things are more loose in New Jersey.
posted by tommccabe at 2:24 PM on September 13, 2010
We were blessed with a lot of people who wanted to travel a distance to be with us that day, but we also understood that with that travel comes some arrangements that have to be made. Some people couldn't make the ceremony due other obligations and some got stuck in traffic.
While the ceremony is technically the more important part of the day, we were just happy to celebrate any part of the day with the people we loved and cared about. We understood that not everyone could make it, for one reason or another, to the ceremony and that was fine with us. In fact, no one asked us whether it was OK to skip the ceremony or not. Some people made it, some people didn't. And we had other people who came to the ceremony who we hadn't actually invited to the reception (friends of friends and neighbors who knew us).
Amongst the people that I've known to get married on Fridays, it has also seemed more generally acceptable that things would come up that would prevent one from going to the ceremony.
(as another note, it was also hard for us to tell who was at the ceremony and who wasn't. My cousin recently told me a story about he got stuck in traffic, with his girlfriend, and walked in to the church about ten minutes after the ceremony started. I had no idea!)
Maybe things are more loose in New Jersey.
posted by tommccabe at 2:24 PM on September 13, 2010
Just put a little note on the invitation response card. "Won't be able to attend the service, but looking forward to celebrating your happy day with you at the reception." That way they'll know ahead of time not to expect you there.
posted by NoraCharles at 3:07 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by NoraCharles at 3:07 PM on September 13, 2010
I was just married in June. We had a full Catholic nuptial Mass on a Saturday afternoon, and it took 1.5 hours. At least half the people we invited weren't Catholic, but as far as I could tell, everyone attended the Mass and the reception. It was meaningful to have our friend and families at church to witness the marriage, but neither of us would have been upset if someone had a good reason to excuse themselves from attending the wedding, yet showed up for the reception. Work is a perfectly good reason, especially if you have to take time off.
That said, would you take the time off and attend if you thought the ceremony itself would be quick? Are you considering not attending out of fear of boredom? If so, I'm not sure that's a good reason. Granted, Masses can be somewhat bewildering, but if you are close to this couple, it would be very gracious of you to attend. At the very least, you could consider it an anthropological experience. (And, if the program lists music, look into whether it's polyphony or Gregorian chant, both of which are very beautiful. That's admittedly a bit of a long shot, though!)
posted by fhangler at 3:27 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, would you take the time off and attend if you thought the ceremony itself would be quick? Are you considering not attending out of fear of boredom? If so, I'm not sure that's a good reason. Granted, Masses can be somewhat bewildering, but if you are close to this couple, it would be very gracious of you to attend. At the very least, you could consider it an anthropological experience. (And, if the program lists music, look into whether it's polyphony or Gregorian chant, both of which are very beautiful. That's admittedly a bit of a long shot, though!)
posted by fhangler at 3:27 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
My reception was a great party, but my wedding ceremony is the event that shapes and gives meaning to every moment of my life. I invited people so they could witness that ceremony, and by witnessing it, be a part of it. I would have been mildly offended if I knew someone had skipped my ceremony just because it looked "long, long, long." I think that indicates disrespect for my beliefs and by extension, me.
But everyone understands that some people just can't attend a ceremony that's at an inconvenient time or place. And a Friday afternoon ceremony is inconvenient. So if you can't go to the ceremony, then attend the reception, but I would not talk to the couple beforehand about skipping the ceremony. Chances are, they wouldn't know anyway, provided you don't say anything.
posted by hhc5 at 3:35 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
But everyone understands that some people just can't attend a ceremony that's at an inconvenient time or place. And a Friday afternoon ceremony is inconvenient. So if you can't go to the ceremony, then attend the reception, but I would not talk to the couple beforehand about skipping the ceremony. Chances are, they wouldn't know anyway, provided you don't say anything.
posted by hhc5 at 3:35 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Think I'm alone on this one, but c'mon man. If half a day out of your life is too much of a hassle, too much of a drag to give to your friends then you best just miss the whole thing. They've asked you to bear witness to a meaningful, significant moment in their lives and you want to skip to the free party because the "bearing witness" part is an inconvenient snooze? Seriously. One half a day? It's not like they're asking you to fly to Kyrgyzstan. Would it kill you to be just a little gracious and put in some fraction of the effort into attending the event as they have hosting it?
posted by space_cookie at 4:20 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by space_cookie at 4:20 PM on September 13, 2010
Response by poster: I am not trying to skip to the free party... if this was on a saturday I would have no problem attending both events and would do so.
posted by outsider at 4:39 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by outsider at 4:39 PM on September 13, 2010
I have been to secular weddings that were longer than any wedding. mass. There may be a lot of things listed on the mass invite but that doesn't mean they will all take a long time. I would also add that wedding masses are different from your standard mass and much more interesting.
posted by nestor_makhno at 4:41 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by nestor_makhno at 4:41 PM on September 13, 2010
My brother and sister-in-law just got married on a Friday afternoon a couple of weeks ago (date chosen due to an unexpected change of venue about eight months ago). They completely understood if some people couldn't get the time off work and were more than happy to see those folks make it to the reception.
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:18 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by futureisunwritten at 5:18 PM on September 13, 2010
This is simple. If you can't take the time off, or even if you would simply prefer not to, don't attend the ceremony. Explain to your friend that you can't make it to the ceremony but you can attend the reception, and ask if that's ok.
However, you seem not merely puzzled by your friend's plan or confused about how to proceed, but seriously offended. Your exasperated questions, "wedding.. friday.. WTF" and "Who has their wedding on a friday afternoon?"--it may be cost, it may be the church's schedule, but it's not a deliberate attempt to inconvenience you by "making" you take time off from work any more than inviting out-of-town guests is a deliberate attempt to inconvenience them because they have to book flights and hotels: they've invited you to celebrate with them if you're available.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:30 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
However, you seem not merely puzzled by your friend's plan or confused about how to proceed, but seriously offended. Your exasperated questions, "wedding.. friday.. WTF" and "Who has their wedding on a friday afternoon?"--it may be cost, it may be the church's schedule, but it's not a deliberate attempt to inconvenience you by "making" you take time off from work any more than inviting out-of-town guests is a deliberate attempt to inconvenience them because they have to book flights and hotels: they've invited you to celebrate with them if you're available.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:30 PM on September 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Agreed with Meg_Murray: the price difference between a Friday and Saturday wedding could be $20,000 depending on the area and rental/catering involved.
posted by benzenedream at 5:43 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by benzenedream at 5:43 PM on September 13, 2010
If the couple getting married is anything at all like we were on the Big Day, they won't even notice if the whole guest list showed up to the church naked and playing bagpipes, let alone whether or not a particular guest made it to the ceremony. If they planned a Friday afternoon wedding (for whatever reason), they expect that some people won't be able to make it. I got married on a Saturday and still had folks who only came to the ceremony or the reception, but not both, because of work commitments.
Don't sweat it. Go to the reception and have a good time.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:24 PM on September 13, 2010
Don't sweat it. Go to the reception and have a good time.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 6:24 PM on September 13, 2010
I honestly think they probably won't even notice. Weddings are hectic and crazy for the couple, they aren't going to be out having a chat with everyone before the service. They'll most likely be rushed off for photos right afterward, and you'll be stuck around waiting forever to figure out when to head to the reception. During the ceremony, they'll likely be only have eyes for each other, so the chance that they'll be taking a head count seems really low.
If they've only invited 10 or 12 people I would say to go, but being as this is a Catholic wedding, and you don't seem to be an extremely close friend (at which point you probably wouldn't be asking this question), there are likely to be a lot of people invited and attending.
posted by that girl at 6:38 PM on September 13, 2010
If they've only invited 10 or 12 people I would say to go, but being as this is a Catholic wedding, and you don't seem to be an extremely close friend (at which point you probably wouldn't be asking this question), there are likely to be a lot of people invited and attending.
posted by that girl at 6:38 PM on September 13, 2010
The ceremony (marriage!) is what the whole wedding is about! I am currently planning a wedding and would be offended if someone couldn't be bothered with attending the ceremony, but then came to celebrate. We have some guests who are Jehovah's Witnesses and can't attend for religious reasons, which is an understandable exception.
Having grown up Catholic, it's not a huge deal to most people who are Catholic to spend an hour and fifteen minutes at church EVERY WEEK. I'm not sure they would understand where you are coming from when you say it seems too long.
As for having to take off work, if you don't feel that it's worth it to have to do that, then maybe these people aren't as close to you as they imagined you were, and you should skip it entirely.
Weddings, even "budget" ones, cost tens of thousands of dollars. I think you should help your friends not go thousands of dollars into debt by supporting their decision to have a less expensive wedding.
posted by NHlove at 6:39 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having grown up Catholic, it's not a huge deal to most people who are Catholic to spend an hour and fifteen minutes at church EVERY WEEK. I'm not sure they would understand where you are coming from when you say it seems too long.
As for having to take off work, if you don't feel that it's worth it to have to do that, then maybe these people aren't as close to you as they imagined you were, and you should skip it entirely.
Weddings, even "budget" ones, cost tens of thousands of dollars. I think you should help your friends not go thousands of dollars into debt by supporting their decision to have a less expensive wedding.
posted by NHlove at 6:39 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
How far in advance are you being notified of their wedding? I don't know what you do for a living, but if you have sufficient time beforehand, why not just plan to get your work done early that week so you can head off to their wedding? Is there more to this that we're missing?
posted by limeonaire at 6:48 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 6:48 PM on September 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm one of the few dissenters. If these people aren't important enough for you to take a half day off of work to make it to the wedding (I'm assuming taking a half-day is not a hardship & that you'd just prefer not to), then don't go at all. And really, a half day? Could you not leave at, say, 3pm and still make it on time? I notice you seem to be most concerned with what's convenient for you: since the reception is close, but the ceremony is "a drive," you'd rather not bother with it. If that's the case, send a gift or card if you like, and wish them well. Please don't skip the ceremony - as mentioned above, what the entire day is all about - just to show up for the free food & booze.
posted by pecanpies at 6:48 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by pecanpies at 6:48 PM on September 13, 2010
Yes, I had the full Catholic super wedding Mass in the cathedral with lots of singing AND I had a Protestant give the sermon (they talk way longer) and it still only lasted about an hour and five minutes. 90 minutes is ridiculous.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:55 PM on September 13, 2010
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:55 PM on September 13, 2010
A friend's wedding was 10 AM on Friday - meaning a whole, not a half day off work. The reason was that she was Catholic, he was Jewish, both fairly devout. We were told that Catholic weddings are usually not held Sunday (so as not to conflict with Mass) and Jewish weddings are usually not held Saturday (so as not to conflict with services, I presume). So, Friday.
As to skipping the ceremony...is it a close friend? Someone you really wouldn't drive an hour to support? Is it your friend or your wife's originally - perhaps one of you could attend the wedding and the other could join later at the reception? Can you really not afford the time off?
As you can probably tell from the slant of my questions, I'm with pecanpies above. If I were the bride, I'd be offended. If I were a close friend of the bride or groom, I'd be offended for them.
posted by maryr at 9:58 PM on September 13, 2010
As to skipping the ceremony...is it a close friend? Someone you really wouldn't drive an hour to support? Is it your friend or your wife's originally - perhaps one of you could attend the wedding and the other could join later at the reception? Can you really not afford the time off?
As you can probably tell from the slant of my questions, I'm with pecanpies above. If I were the bride, I'd be offended. If I were a close friend of the bride or groom, I'd be offended for them.
posted by maryr at 9:58 PM on September 13, 2010
They are likely doing the timing this way, because there are members of their immediate families (likely elderly folks) to whom the ceremony portion is the most important thing, and asking them to show up later in the evening for it isn't practical. Don't take offense.
Having said that, only you can decide whether your friends are the type to be okay with you showing up only for the reception. The easiest way to do this is simply to call, and ask: "We both have previous work commitments that cannot be changed, so we cannot join you at the ceremony, but we think we should be able to make the reception. Would that be okay, or would you rather the reception only be attended by people who can be at the ceremony? If so, we understand completely, and either way we're really happy for the two of you." And mean it.
posted by davejay at 9:59 PM on September 13, 2010
Having said that, only you can decide whether your friends are the type to be okay with you showing up only for the reception. The easiest way to do this is simply to call, and ask: "We both have previous work commitments that cannot be changed, so we cannot join you at the ceremony, but we think we should be able to make the reception. Would that be okay, or would you rather the reception only be attended by people who can be at the ceremony? If so, we understand completely, and either way we're really happy for the two of you." And mean it.
posted by davejay at 9:59 PM on September 13, 2010
I think it's rude to skip the wedding and only show up for the party. That said, a weekday is a tough juggle.
What you do is call and say you're so sorry, but you won't be able to get off work in time for the wedding. Period. Don't suggest just going to the party, because that sounds ungracious. Let it be up to them to say, "Oh, bummer, we'll miss you." or "Jeez, dude, nobody's going to the ceremony anyway except Aunt Edna and the out-of-town cousins. Just come to the party."
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:24 AM on September 14, 2010
What you do is call and say you're so sorry, but you won't be able to get off work in time for the wedding. Period. Don't suggest just going to the party, because that sounds ungracious. Let it be up to them to say, "Oh, bummer, we'll miss you." or "Jeez, dude, nobody's going to the ceremony anyway except Aunt Edna and the out-of-town cousins. Just come to the party."
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:24 AM on September 14, 2010
I also think it's rude to skip the wedding and only go to the party; if the people are getting married in a church they likely think of their wedding as a sacrament, and even if they don't, they think of it as something where they're standing before their friends and family to make a public commitment. Your presence there is a sign of support for that marriage. For us, that was extremely important.
That said, if you can't make it because of work, I'm sure they would rather have you at the party than at nothing. We had people who did this and I attributed "good" motives to them - they had another commitment; I know of at least one person who had another wedding the same day and did one wedding and one reception, etc.
Most of the time, people are expected to RSVP for the reception because it matters how many people are there; it doesn't matter how many people will be at the church. Do what you you can do (but make sure you RSVP, and stick to that RSVP, or call to change it, because seriously, people who don't RSVP fuck things up).
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:21 AM on September 14, 2010
That said, if you can't make it because of work, I'm sure they would rather have you at the party than at nothing. We had people who did this and I attributed "good" motives to them - they had another commitment; I know of at least one person who had another wedding the same day and did one wedding and one reception, etc.
Most of the time, people are expected to RSVP for the reception because it matters how many people are there; it doesn't matter how many people will be at the church. Do what you you can do (but make sure you RSVP, and stick to that RSVP, or call to change it, because seriously, people who don't RSVP fuck things up).
posted by dpx.mfx at 6:21 AM on September 14, 2010
I disagree with the judgments implying that you're bad people or don't like your friends because you acknowledge that it's a hassle and will probably be long and boring - a lot of people think these things, and I don't see the problem with acknowledging it here. Yes, it would not be polite to tell your friends that, but it's not like people don't think these things and make decisions based on it.
I think it's totally individual about whether or not it would be okay to just go to the reception, or whether or not "we really need to be at work" would be an okay reason to give for not making the ceremony. How close are you to them, how understanding are they (i.e., would they be thinking the same thing you are and say oh man, we would love for you to just come to the reception), how much notice do you have, what kind of jobs do you have, etc.
If you're really in doubt and you have the kind of jobs where you can afford to take the afternoon off, I'd err on the side of sucking it up and going to both - it's one of those social obligations you just sometimes have to put up with, and just going will probably save you a bunch of problems down the line. The reception will also kind of suck if you're uncomfortable about skipping the ceremony, because you'll be thinking about it and you'll probably have to talk about it/be talked about.
(The bonus is that you don't kill a whole weekend day on the wedding, if you think of it like that. Also a bonus to get out of work, if it's not a financial strain.)
posted by mrs. taters at 6:27 AM on September 14, 2010
I think it's totally individual about whether or not it would be okay to just go to the reception, or whether or not "we really need to be at work" would be an okay reason to give for not making the ceremony. How close are you to them, how understanding are they (i.e., would they be thinking the same thing you are and say oh man, we would love for you to just come to the reception), how much notice do you have, what kind of jobs do you have, etc.
If you're really in doubt and you have the kind of jobs where you can afford to take the afternoon off, I'd err on the side of sucking it up and going to both - it's one of those social obligations you just sometimes have to put up with, and just going will probably save you a bunch of problems down the line. The reception will also kind of suck if you're uncomfortable about skipping the ceremony, because you'll be thinking about it and you'll probably have to talk about it/be talked about.
(The bonus is that you don't kill a whole weekend day on the wedding, if you think of it like that. Also a bonus to get out of work, if it's not a financial strain.)
posted by mrs. taters at 6:27 AM on September 14, 2010
It is a full wedding mass. The invitation was the itinerary of the mass... it looks long long long.
posted by outsiderPoster at 5:01 PM on September 13 [+] [!] Other [2/3]: «≡»
I don't know where all you hour-and-a-half-long-mass Catholics are going to church, but in the Catholic church I grew up in, standard mass was 45 minutes, weddings and funerals were 15 minutes longer, and a 12:30 Sunday mass during football season before a 1 p.m. kickoff could be wrapped up by 12:55 with a very concise homily.
Why not call the parish office and ask how long the mass is expected to run, and make your decision from there? So many people have such different feelings about religion, I would not expect anyone to worry if you skipped their religious ceremony but came to the reception to wish them well.
posted by toodleydoodley at 8:23 AM on September 14, 2010
posted by outsiderPoster at 5:01 PM on September 13 [+] [!] Other [2/3]: «≡»
I don't know where all you hour-and-a-half-long-mass Catholics are going to church, but in the Catholic church I grew up in, standard mass was 45 minutes, weddings and funerals were 15 minutes longer, and a 12:30 Sunday mass during football season before a 1 p.m. kickoff could be wrapped up by 12:55 with a very concise homily.
Why not call the parish office and ask how long the mass is expected to run, and make your decision from there? So many people have such different feelings about religion, I would not expect anyone to worry if you skipped their religious ceremony but came to the reception to wish them well.
posted by toodleydoodley at 8:23 AM on September 14, 2010
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posted by bolognius maximus at 1:48 PM on September 13, 2010