Relationships: I'm not good at figuring these things out...
September 8, 2010 11:35 PM Subscribe
Should I pursue something long-distance or just forget about it? Also, questions regarding how to handle relationships when you move frequently
I'm a late 20-something with very limited relationship experience (some dating, but never anything serious/long-term). I met the girl in question about a year and a half ago, when we were both living in the same Midwestern town and she was dating my then-roommate. She hung out with us a lot on the weekends, and the three of us had a lot of fun. Her and I ended up becoming pretty good friends over the next few months, until she left for a year to live abroad, returning last month. I went overseas for work a couple of months after she left, getting back only this past week. For the past year we've talked every once in a while via Facebook and IM, but that was it until yesterday when I suggested we meet up for coffee to catch up.
I'll be honest - I have had feelings for this girl for a while. I find her very attractive, but it's much more than that. We share so many interests it's scary, she's a total sweetheart who's incredibly unselfish, and I just feel like we "click" really well. When she broke up with my ex-roommate several months ago I felt empathy and sent a supportive e-mail, but a small part of me saw a chance. I don't know if she has any interest in me, but then again I'm not the best at reading signals. She has always seemed very engaged in our conversations and gives me hugs when we part ways, but a lot of that is probably just her outgoing persona.
Here's the rub - I came back to the States to take a job in a major East Coast city, and I'm only in town to visit family until this weekend. She is staying in this town for at least the near future, but wants to leave for personal and career reasons. She has been planning to move to the same East Coast city for some time, but is still trying to find a job that will take her there. If I was going to be staying around (or knew we'd be geographically close) I would have the "relationship talk" and see if she wants to be more than friends, but given our mutual instability (her figuring out what to do with her life, me relocating and soon to be busy with a new job) I don't know if it can happen.
Like I said I don't know what her feelings are, but when we met yesterday she asked MULTIPLE times "when are you going to be back in town?" like she was also gauging how to proceed. I told her Thanksgiving, but that I might consider a weekend trip home to visit friends before then. She also sent a text as soon as she got home basically saying she was happy to see me again, was happy things were working out for me, and that I should keep in touch.
So how do I proceed? I probably won't get time to see her again in person before I leave this weekend. And I probably won't get back here more than once/month, could be less if I'm traveling (my new job will require occasional international travel, and will probably lead to another relocation overseas in 2-3 years). Should I try to bump this up a level, knowing that we'd have to settle for seeing each other infrequently for the time being (that's assuming she doesn't turn me down completely)? Or should I just settle for what we have now and accept that we'll just have to be friends?
I'm a late 20-something with very limited relationship experience (some dating, but never anything serious/long-term). I met the girl in question about a year and a half ago, when we were both living in the same Midwestern town and she was dating my then-roommate. She hung out with us a lot on the weekends, and the three of us had a lot of fun. Her and I ended up becoming pretty good friends over the next few months, until she left for a year to live abroad, returning last month. I went overseas for work a couple of months after she left, getting back only this past week. For the past year we've talked every once in a while via Facebook and IM, but that was it until yesterday when I suggested we meet up for coffee to catch up.
I'll be honest - I have had feelings for this girl for a while. I find her very attractive, but it's much more than that. We share so many interests it's scary, she's a total sweetheart who's incredibly unselfish, and I just feel like we "click" really well. When she broke up with my ex-roommate several months ago I felt empathy and sent a supportive e-mail, but a small part of me saw a chance. I don't know if she has any interest in me, but then again I'm not the best at reading signals. She has always seemed very engaged in our conversations and gives me hugs when we part ways, but a lot of that is probably just her outgoing persona.
Here's the rub - I came back to the States to take a job in a major East Coast city, and I'm only in town to visit family until this weekend. She is staying in this town for at least the near future, but wants to leave for personal and career reasons. She has been planning to move to the same East Coast city for some time, but is still trying to find a job that will take her there. If I was going to be staying around (or knew we'd be geographically close) I would have the "relationship talk" and see if she wants to be more than friends, but given our mutual instability (her figuring out what to do with her life, me relocating and soon to be busy with a new job) I don't know if it can happen.
Like I said I don't know what her feelings are, but when we met yesterday she asked MULTIPLE times "when are you going to be back in town?" like she was also gauging how to proceed. I told her Thanksgiving, but that I might consider a weekend trip home to visit friends before then. She also sent a text as soon as she got home basically saying she was happy to see me again, was happy things were working out for me, and that I should keep in touch.
So how do I proceed? I probably won't get time to see her again in person before I leave this weekend. And I probably won't get back here more than once/month, could be less if I'm traveling (my new job will require occasional international travel, and will probably lead to another relocation overseas in 2-3 years). Should I try to bump this up a level, knowing that we'd have to settle for seeing each other infrequently for the time being (that's assuming she doesn't turn me down completely)? Or should I just settle for what we have now and accept that we'll just have to be friends?
It sounds cheesy, but if your feelings are true for one another, you'll make it work.
(From someone who spent months apart from her now-husband but gladly waited.)
posted by earth oddity at 2:03 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
(From someone who spent months apart from her now-husband but gladly waited.)
posted by earth oddity at 2:03 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think long-distance relationships are possible where there is already something established, but you seem to be asking whether or not you should propose to a girl in a different city who you have never had a romantic relationship with that you begin a long-distance thing from scratch.. Which I personally think is crazy. As you say, you don't even know if she has any interest in you, and yet you are considering suggesting to her that you begin something despite not living in the same city. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex whom I am friendly with, engaged in conversations with, and hug whenever I see them, but that doesn't mean I want to date them.
Tread carefully -- I think you may scare her away with this sort of 'grand gesture', even if in another circumstance she would be into you.
posted by modernnomad at 5:49 AM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Tread carefully -- I think you may scare her away with this sort of 'grand gesture', even if in another circumstance she would be into you.
posted by modernnomad at 5:49 AM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You should give it a shot. But by "give it a shot" I don't mean profess your affection. I don't know about everybody else here, but when a person makes a big statement about their romantic intentions and wants to have a discussion about it, it sort of freaks me out. So, maybe avoid that.
I think the best way to start a long distance relationship is to just give her a call and see where the conversation goes without trying to force anything. If you find yourselves calling each other a lot and talking a lot and becoming closer, suggest that maybe it would be nice if there was some sort of visit.
Besides, even if it doesn't work out, who says a relationship wasn't worth while just because it wasn't permanant? You'll have had the opportunity to get to know somebody better and you'll never have to wonder "what if."
posted by smirkyfodder at 7:43 AM on September 9, 2010
I think the best way to start a long distance relationship is to just give her a call and see where the conversation goes without trying to force anything. If you find yourselves calling each other a lot and talking a lot and becoming closer, suggest that maybe it would be nice if there was some sort of visit.
Besides, even if it doesn't work out, who says a relationship wasn't worth while just because it wasn't permanant? You'll have had the opportunity to get to know somebody better and you'll never have to wonder "what if."
posted by smirkyfodder at 7:43 AM on September 9, 2010
Don't have a relationship talk before any kissing. You have to see if that's okay first.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:57 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:57 AM on September 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would hope this is obvious but if she comes to visit you to network for a job but rejects your romantic gestures while staying at your place I hope you can still be classy about it.
posted by ShadePlant at 7:59 AM on September 9, 2010
posted by ShadePlant at 7:59 AM on September 9, 2010
I think long-distance relationships are possible where there is already something established, but you seem to be asking whether or not you should propose to a girl in a different city who you have never had a romantic relationship with that you begin a long-distance thing from scratch
i think i might have disagreed with this if just such a thing hadn't happened to me recently. a couple of months ago i went to my high school reunion and reconnected with a friend/my big h.s. crush (whom i literally have not seen since high school, nor rarely thought about since) and we hit it off in a big way. he lives 1000 miles away from me. he's already visited once and will be visiting again next week. we have planned visits through the holidays so far. so don't necessarily discount that this could work out.
I think the best way to start a long distance relationship is to just give her a call and see where the conversation goes without trying to force anything. If you find yourselves calling each other a lot and talking a lot and becoming closer, suggest that maybe it would be nice if there was some sort of visit.
this is what he did, and it obviously worked. when i hooked up with him at the reunion, i hadn't planned for it to go any further because of the distance. i didn't even give him my phone number or email or anything. he contacted me on facebook a few days later to get my number and we've talked or texted every day since.
so in conclusion, i think that if you really like this girl, go for it. call her up. see what happens. it can't hurt and something may just come of it.
posted by violetk at 8:11 AM on September 9, 2010
i think i might have disagreed with this if just such a thing hadn't happened to me recently. a couple of months ago i went to my high school reunion and reconnected with a friend/my big h.s. crush (whom i literally have not seen since high school, nor rarely thought about since) and we hit it off in a big way. he lives 1000 miles away from me. he's already visited once and will be visiting again next week. we have planned visits through the holidays so far. so don't necessarily discount that this could work out.
I think the best way to start a long distance relationship is to just give her a call and see where the conversation goes without trying to force anything. If you find yourselves calling each other a lot and talking a lot and becoming closer, suggest that maybe it would be nice if there was some sort of visit.
this is what he did, and it obviously worked. when i hooked up with him at the reunion, i hadn't planned for it to go any further because of the distance. i didn't even give him my phone number or email or anything. he contacted me on facebook a few days later to get my number and we've talked or texted every day since.
so in conclusion, i think that if you really like this girl, go for it. call her up. see what happens. it can't hurt and something may just come of it.
posted by violetk at 8:11 AM on September 9, 2010
Best answer: If you're inviting her to stay at your place to job hunt, you CANNOT make any moves. It would be uncomfortable and awkward. Invite her for the weekend if you want to see if there's a spark, but have pillows & blankets on the couch - even if there's a spark she might not want to get busy with you right away.
So, my story. Mr. M. lived on the east coast, I lived on the west coast. We'd seen each other a few times when I was back east, things clicked, we had dinner, things really clicked. He came to visit me about once every 5-6 weeks. Then I decided to move back East at the same time he took a job that was going to put him in Chicago for big chunks of every year. We kept it going. It wasn't easy and times it sucked unbelievably hard but we're still here, 7 years later.
posted by micawber at 8:56 AM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
So, my story. Mr. M. lived on the east coast, I lived on the west coast. We'd seen each other a few times when I was back east, things clicked, we had dinner, things really clicked. He came to visit me about once every 5-6 weeks. Then I decided to move back East at the same time he took a job that was going to put him in Chicago for big chunks of every year. We kept it going. It wasn't easy and times it sucked unbelievably hard but we're still here, 7 years later.
posted by micawber at 8:56 AM on September 9, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @salvia - I dropped couple of vague hints, like "you should come out and visit sometime!"; no commitment from her but I think she's at least open to considering it.
@modernnomad - I know you have a good point, but I'm not really looking to propose Hollywood-style out of the blue. Just asking a girl out makes me sweat, so the idea of a "grand gesture" in ANY relationship actually scares the living daylights out of me. Even more so when we're already friends and the stakes are a bit higher. I generally prefer to move slower and just let things happen naturally. I'm just saying that I think the foundation for a really good, solid relationship is there, a relationship I would like to pursue if possible, and I need advice on the next step.
@micawber - Not to worry, I'm really not the kind to make moves in those sort of situations but I am glad to hear long-distance relationships can work out :)
posted by photo guy at 10:52 AM on September 9, 2010
@modernnomad - I know you have a good point, but I'm not really looking to propose Hollywood-style out of the blue. Just asking a girl out makes me sweat, so the idea of a "grand gesture" in ANY relationship actually scares the living daylights out of me. Even more so when we're already friends and the stakes are a bit higher. I generally prefer to move slower and just let things happen naturally. I'm just saying that I think the foundation for a really good, solid relationship is there, a relationship I would like to pursue if possible, and I need advice on the next step.
@micawber - Not to worry, I'm really not the kind to make moves in those sort of situations but I am glad to hear long-distance relationships can work out :)
posted by photo guy at 10:52 AM on September 9, 2010
I actually didn't mean 'propose' as in 'propose marriage', but just as a synonym for 'suggest' -- you are proposing that you become a long-distance couple. Sorry for the confusion.
posted by modernnomad at 11:07 AM on September 9, 2010
posted by modernnomad at 11:07 AM on September 9, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by salvia at 11:44 PM on September 8, 2010 [2 favorites]