Are you kidding me.
September 6, 2010 8:08 AM Subscribe
I was attacked last night by an unknown male. How do I deal with things?
Last night, while walking home from work I was attacked by an unknown male. I don't want to get into specifics, but it was a terrible ordeal and a very close call. I screamed bloody murder and the worst was averted. I ran away with my pants down (I know, how embarrassing). He stole my wallet but that's about it.
I ended up calling a co-worker to come help me. He came and seemed completely scared. I felt terrible for involving him. I was crying and very upset. I don't think I made much sense. He didn't even seem to be able to comprehend what to do or that it happened. At one point I started verbally lashing out at him. He ended up leaving me there. I'm completely embarrassed. I'm also afraid this will leak back to work.
I did not report it and I DO NOT plan to. I've canceled my cards, etcetera. Please don't tell me I need to report it for the other faceless victims too afraid to come forward. I just don't want it to be a big deal. I want to minimize this embarrassing situation as much as possible. As my user name suggests, I tend to encounter really strange situations and I am so sick of it.
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker for being such a mess? How do I avert damage at work? How do I contain this incident so it does not "infect" my work life?
Last night, while walking home from work I was attacked by an unknown male. I don't want to get into specifics, but it was a terrible ordeal and a very close call. I screamed bloody murder and the worst was averted. I ran away with my pants down (I know, how embarrassing). He stole my wallet but that's about it.
I ended up calling a co-worker to come help me. He came and seemed completely scared. I felt terrible for involving him. I was crying and very upset. I don't think I made much sense. He didn't even seem to be able to comprehend what to do or that it happened. At one point I started verbally lashing out at him. He ended up leaving me there. I'm completely embarrassed. I'm also afraid this will leak back to work.
I did not report it and I DO NOT plan to. I've canceled my cards, etcetera. Please don't tell me I need to report it for the other faceless victims too afraid to come forward. I just don't want it to be a big deal. I want to minimize this embarrassing situation as much as possible. As my user name suggests, I tend to encounter really strange situations and I am so sick of it.
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker for being such a mess? How do I avert damage at work? How do I contain this incident so it does not "infect" my work life?
I'm so sorry that happened to you. How awful. I'm sure your work friend understood the gravity of the situation, and there won't be anything to deal with at work. If you're very concerned, perhaps you can call your friend and ask for his discretion, which I'm sure any reasonable person would agree to.
If you don't want to report the attack, I hope that you can at least talk to someone about it, for your own peace of mind.
Feel better.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:13 AM on September 6, 2010
If you don't want to report the attack, I hope that you can at least talk to someone about it, for your own peace of mind.
Feel better.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:13 AM on September 6, 2010
If you don't want this spread around, you should explicitly ask the friend not to tell anyone.
posted by grouse at 8:16 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by grouse at 8:16 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I suspect you will get a lot of replies telling you *not* to forget it and minimize it and forget it (especially as far as the police are concerned). That's up to you -- however, emotions are running high right now and that could be swaying your judgment about this. Your text stresses that you are embarrassed, perhaps ashamed, etc. Running away with your pants down is not embarrassing -- it's getting away, which is fantastic! Your reaction of embarrassment, though, is a very normal reaction (and, regardless of the narrative you've crafted for your life, you probably don't actually attract strange situations!). Your coworkers, especially female coworkers, probably deserve to know that this happened if it happened near your workplace. That being said, here is my answer.
If you decide you would just like to move on and forget it, I would recommend speaking to your coworker in private, calmly explaining what happened and that you would prefer to keep this quiet. You can apologize for lashing out and, unless he is a monster, he will totally understand and most likely feel guilty for not being more helpful. You should not experience any "damage" at work -- how could this possibly damage you? Do you think people will think less of you? Do you think you deserved to be attacked and that other people will think this? That's not true but it's a very normal response.
You should look into getting pepper spray of some kind, make sure you take well-lit, populated ways home, and don't feel bad about asking someone to walk with you until you get your confidence back. You should absolutely consider talking to a therapist in the future if you regularly find yourself feeling unsafe or anxious when alone. Please don't minimize this because you feel like you are a "fiasco" -- it's a very real crime and you owe it to yourself to treat it with the required gravity.
posted by proj at 8:18 AM on September 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
If you decide you would just like to move on and forget it, I would recommend speaking to your coworker in private, calmly explaining what happened and that you would prefer to keep this quiet. You can apologize for lashing out and, unless he is a monster, he will totally understand and most likely feel guilty for not being more helpful. You should not experience any "damage" at work -- how could this possibly damage you? Do you think people will think less of you? Do you think you deserved to be attacked and that other people will think this? That's not true but it's a very normal response.
You should look into getting pepper spray of some kind, make sure you take well-lit, populated ways home, and don't feel bad about asking someone to walk with you until you get your confidence back. You should absolutely consider talking to a therapist in the future if you regularly find yourself feeling unsafe or anxious when alone. Please don't minimize this because you feel like you are a "fiasco" -- it's a very real crime and you owe it to yourself to treat it with the required gravity.
posted by proj at 8:18 AM on September 6, 2010 [15 favorites]
First, if this assault was of a sexual nature, you should go immediately to a doctor for STD and communicable disease testing. It would have been helpful if it was this kind of crime to have had a rape kit processed, for many reasons. Second, call your friend and sincerely explain that anger is part and parcel of ANY serious event, and unfortunately he took the brunt of that. Ask firmly for his discretion, and get thyself to a counselor posthaste.
What happened to you is disgusting and violating. I wish you the best in recovering.
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:20 AM on September 6, 2010
What happened to you is disgusting and violating. I wish you the best in recovering.
posted by ~Sushma~ at 8:20 AM on September 6, 2010
To prepare for such events in the future, take a self-defense class for women. Pepper spray may or may not be effective, but there is nothing like an incapacitating gouge or kick to keep yourself safe.
posted by yclipse at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2010
posted by yclipse at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2010
This is what rape crisis centers/crisis call centers are for. You need to call someone that understands and unpack this. Yes, I know you were not raped, but still. As for whether or not to report this, this is entirely up to you. Perhaps later you may wish to, but again. up to you. You don't have to decide that right now. And you never ever have to do it at all. Because YOU get to decide that.
Your coworker needs his butt kicked for leaving you there. At the least he could have called someone else to be there for you.
Now, pretend I am looking you straight in the eye-YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. By the way it is perfectly normal to FEEL embarrassment and shame BUT the fact remains that you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. You were victimized by an evil creep. You were NOT at fault. It could have happened to anyone!
One of my kids experienced an abduction attempt on the way to school when she was a teen. She was not touched or harmed. She did report it to the school and she WAS embarrassed about it and just wanted things to go back to normal. That is a normal way to feel.
I do suggest-and this is a suggestion-that if any of your work companions walks home from work in this general area that you warn them.
I am so sorry this happened to you. And, one more time for emphasis: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
Your coworker needs his butt kicked for leaving you there. At the least he could have called someone else to be there for you.
Now, pretend I am looking you straight in the eye-YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. By the way it is perfectly normal to FEEL embarrassment and shame BUT the fact remains that you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. You were victimized by an evil creep. You were NOT at fault. It could have happened to anyone!
One of my kids experienced an abduction attempt on the way to school when she was a teen. She was not touched or harmed. She did report it to the school and she WAS embarrassed about it and just wanted things to go back to normal. That is a normal way to feel.
I do suggest-and this is a suggestion-that if any of your work companions walks home from work in this general area that you warn them.
I am so sorry this happened to you. And, one more time for emphasis: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:24 AM on September 6, 2010 [7 favorites]
Agreeing with the "it's very much not your fault" posts.
As for the coworker ('james' say) if you feel like you need to give an appology, how about:
James, I'm sorry to have shouted at you, I was scared and shook up. thank you for coming and checking I was safe. I appreciate it.
Wishing you the best.
posted by 92_elements at 8:29 AM on September 6, 2010
As for the coworker ('james' say) if you feel like you need to give an appology, how about:
James, I'm sorry to have shouted at you, I was scared and shook up. thank you for coming and checking I was safe. I appreciate it.
Wishing you the best.
posted by 92_elements at 8:29 AM on September 6, 2010
If you were assaulted and asked for help and your coworker just LEFT YOU THERE you are not the one who should be embarrassed. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, the entire ordeal sounds just awful. I would suggest calling or emailing your coworker with a short quick message like, "it's important to me that I keep my work and personal lives separate so I'd appreciate it if you could keep last night's encounter to yourself".
posted by kate blank at 8:30 AM on September 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by kate blank at 8:30 AM on September 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
I am sorry this happened to you. I have never been in a similar situation so please feel free to disregard the following if it sounds really stupid.
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker for being such a mess?
You don't have to apologize to *anyone* for being a "mess".
Maybe you can arrange a meeting with your co-worker- lunch/coffee/whatever works. Be prepared with what you intend to say in the meeting (and words you choose).
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker....How do I avert damage at work? How do I contain this incident so it does not "infect" my work life?
Start by thanking him for responding to your call and actually coming there. Make sure he gets that you are deeply and sincerely thankful for that. Then apologize for verbally lashing out/putting him in the situation/anything in particular that was said that was the result of your being upset rather than actually being true/about him. Don't be afraid to say that you were and still are upset/traumatized about what happened and plan to seek counseling (even if you really don't). (This may help get the message across that you were and still are upset but trying to deal with the situation). Then finally request him to keep it to himself as you may not be able to take it if people at work got to know about it. Make the whole talk short, concise and focussed and do it in person.
posted by xm at 8:34 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker for being such a mess?
You don't have to apologize to *anyone* for being a "mess".
Maybe you can arrange a meeting with your co-worker- lunch/coffee/whatever works. Be prepared with what you intend to say in the meeting (and words you choose).
How do I apologize to my very obviously freaked out co-worker....How do I avert damage at work? How do I contain this incident so it does not "infect" my work life?
Start by thanking him for responding to your call and actually coming there. Make sure he gets that you are deeply and sincerely thankful for that. Then apologize for verbally lashing out/putting him in the situation/anything in particular that was said that was the result of your being upset rather than actually being true/about him. Don't be afraid to say that you were and still are upset/traumatized about what happened and plan to seek counseling (even if you really don't). (This may help get the message across that you were and still are upset but trying to deal with the situation). Then finally request him to keep it to himself as you may not be able to take it if people at work got to know about it. Make the whole talk short, concise and focussed and do it in person.
posted by xm at 8:34 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding St. Alia. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. The person who attacked you is the one who has embarrassed and shamed himself by his behaviour. A crisis centre can help you to realise this.
It is a shame that your coworker wasn't able to help you more, but I can hardly fault him for that (after all, nobody is perfect). You still did nothing wrong by calling him, and presumably he did the best he could to help you, even though he couldn't really cope - he was still doing his best.
I also agree with proj that running away with your pants down is not embarrassing - it's brave! You coped! And you got away!
I was once groped by a guy on the bus and I felt so ashamed, like I had done something to invite or attract it. But it wasn't my fault. It was his fault and his responsibility. The same goes for you - it is not your fault and you don't need to be embarrassed. A good counsellor at a crisis centre will be able to help you to realise this. Please do contact one - you'd be amazed how much it can help to talk to someone who understands (that's why these places exist). (It should also be free, if money happens to be an issue.)
Be proud of yourself - you escaped an attacker! There is no rule book for 'appropriate behaviour' after doing this, and there's no shame in crying or being incoherent afterwards. You've had a horrible experience. Be good to yourself.
posted by rubbish bin night at 8:36 AM on September 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
It is a shame that your coworker wasn't able to help you more, but I can hardly fault him for that (after all, nobody is perfect). You still did nothing wrong by calling him, and presumably he did the best he could to help you, even though he couldn't really cope - he was still doing his best.
I also agree with proj that running away with your pants down is not embarrassing - it's brave! You coped! And you got away!
I was once groped by a guy on the bus and I felt so ashamed, like I had done something to invite or attract it. But it wasn't my fault. It was his fault and his responsibility. The same goes for you - it is not your fault and you don't need to be embarrassed. A good counsellor at a crisis centre will be able to help you to realise this. Please do contact one - you'd be amazed how much it can help to talk to someone who understands (that's why these places exist). (It should also be free, if money happens to be an issue.)
Be proud of yourself - you escaped an attacker! There is no rule book for 'appropriate behaviour' after doing this, and there's no shame in crying or being incoherent afterwards. You've had a horrible experience. Be good to yourself.
posted by rubbish bin night at 8:36 AM on September 6, 2010 [6 favorites]
Do what St. Alia says, call an assault hotline or crisis center hotline. They are better qualified to answer your question than Ask Metafilter. Good luck.
posted by vincele at 8:36 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by vincele at 8:36 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ignore schmod, whose attitude is not representative of those who understand how difficult situations like this can be to deal with. Reporting it would be ideal but there are many valid reasons some women prefer not to. Don't torment yourself with "what if I don't report it and he attacks again"--he's likely to attack again either way. Identifying an unknown assailant isn't easy.
A rape crisis center in your area may have practical advice for you, and may be able to tell you more specifically how law enforcement in your area treats victims. They can also point you to counseling services if you need help coping with the psychological effects.
If you feel up to it, I wonder if you might consider having a private word with any female coworkers who might also walk home to warn them that there have been attempted attacks in the area. You don't even have to say it's you. Perhaps you heard it from "a friend."
Your male friend didn't do right by you. As you said, he was scared. Unless he's a total waste of space, he should be understanding if you tell him that you want this to remain private. It might not occur to him, though, to keep it private if you don't say anything. Whether you want to apologize is up to you; I think he'll be understanding either way.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:39 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
A rape crisis center in your area may have practical advice for you, and may be able to tell you more specifically how law enforcement in your area treats victims. They can also point you to counseling services if you need help coping with the psychological effects.
If you feel up to it, I wonder if you might consider having a private word with any female coworkers who might also walk home to warn them that there have been attempted attacks in the area. You don't even have to say it's you. Perhaps you heard it from "a friend."
Your male friend didn't do right by you. As you said, he was scared. Unless he's a total waste of space, he should be understanding if you tell him that you want this to remain private. It might not occur to him, though, to keep it private if you don't say anything. Whether you want to apologize is up to you; I think he'll be understanding either way.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:39 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, just to be clear, leaving you there was not the best thing to do in this situation but coming there and responding to your call certainly was the right thing to do. We don't know what exactly made the guy leave and we don't need to know but this is about you and helping you deal with things, not setting the guy's moral compass right. Being upset/angry about him leaving you there is not solving anything at all.
posted by xm at 8:41 AM on September 6, 2010
posted by xm at 8:41 AM on September 6, 2010
Something weird is going on here - you seem to keep encountering really strange situations and you said three times in the same post that you're embarrassed? I don't understand. A guy assaulted you, there's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. Um, had you been drinking? Because 1) that still doesn't mean you should be embarrassed whatsoever about a stranger assaulting you, but 2) it might explain why your coworker left if you didn't actually *tell him* what had happened.
posted by citron at 8:45 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by citron at 8:45 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
The decision to report or not report is entirely up to you. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. That said, you may want to consider at least saving the clothes you wore and possibly doing a rape kit just because if some day you ever change your mind, it would be a shame if forensic evidence was lost.
Second, this is a really sucky thing to have happen, but it's not your fault and, sadly, it isn't that strange either. Something like 1 in 6 women have been involved in a serious sexual assault in the last year.
Third, you should definitely ask the co-worker for discretion, but I think you may also be surprised at how well your other co-workers handle themselves even if this does leak out. In other words, I don't think the worst case scenario here is as bad as you think it is.
And finally, there are tons of people you can talk to about this who actually know what they're talking about. RAINN has a really nice, anonymous "online hotline" where you can IM with a counselor for free.
posted by meta_eli at 8:45 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Second, this is a really sucky thing to have happen, but it's not your fault and, sadly, it isn't that strange either. Something like 1 in 6 women have been involved in a serious sexual assault in the last year.
Third, you should definitely ask the co-worker for discretion, but I think you may also be surprised at how well your other co-workers handle themselves even if this does leak out. In other words, I don't think the worst case scenario here is as bad as you think it is.
And finally, there are tons of people you can talk to about this who actually know what they're talking about. RAINN has a really nice, anonymous "online hotline" where you can IM with a counselor for free.
posted by meta_eli at 8:45 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to say that you you should be really proud of the way you handled that terrible situation. Someone was sexually assaulting you and you had the mindset to fight back and run away. You did an awesome job!!!
posted by WhiteWhale at 8:46 AM on September 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by WhiteWhale at 8:46 AM on September 6, 2010 [4 favorites]
nthing St. Alia when she suggests you call a rape crisis center. They will answer these questions and well, what do you have to lose?
You seem to be under a couple misconceptions. There is no such thing as a "normal" reaction to assault. Remember that police officers have to be trained to make the correct decisions when they're under stress. Running away is actually one of the best things you could have done, in my opinion, and it worked.
Second, your situation doesn't strike me as entirely "strange" because this happens more often than we acknowledge. I guarantee that many people on MetaFilter can relate to what you're going through. You aren't alone.
If you're feeling ashamed or embarrassed, that's okay. I don't think you should deny those emotions, but recognize that they are illogical. You'll hear "This wasn't your fault" often here because it's absolutely true. It's also okay if you want to put this behind you and if you don't want to report it. But next time you hear about sexual assault, please realize that the victim is going through the same ordeal that you're going through, or possibly worse. You don't have to report it, but you should be an ally.
posted by yaymukund at 8:51 AM on September 6, 2010
You seem to be under a couple misconceptions. There is no such thing as a "normal" reaction to assault. Remember that police officers have to be trained to make the correct decisions when they're under stress. Running away is actually one of the best things you could have done, in my opinion, and it worked.
Second, your situation doesn't strike me as entirely "strange" because this happens more often than we acknowledge. I guarantee that many people on MetaFilter can relate to what you're going through. You aren't alone.
If you're feeling ashamed or embarrassed, that's okay. I don't think you should deny those emotions, but recognize that they are illogical. You'll hear "This wasn't your fault" often here because it's absolutely true. It's also okay if you want to put this behind you and if you don't want to report it. But next time you hear about sexual assault, please realize that the victim is going through the same ordeal that you're going through, or possibly worse. You don't have to report it, but you should be an ally.
posted by yaymukund at 8:51 AM on September 6, 2010
At one point I started verbally lashing out at him. He ended up leaving me there. I'm completely embarrassed. I'm also afraid this will leak back to work.
The only thing that would leak back to work that anybody would take away from your whole story is that you called somebody, they came, didn't really know how to handle the situation, and then left you there like a complete and total asshole. Christ, it would have been better if he'd just made up some stupid excuse and not come in the first place. How do you just leave somebody after they've been attacked? How do you leave somebody after they've been attacked, and asked you for help, which was given and then rescinded? That's the fucked up part of the story.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:55 AM on September 6, 2010 [20 favorites]
The only thing that would leak back to work that anybody would take away from your whole story is that you called somebody, they came, didn't really know how to handle the situation, and then left you there like a complete and total asshole. Christ, it would have been better if he'd just made up some stupid excuse and not come in the first place. How do you just leave somebody after they've been attacked? How do you leave somebody after they've been attacked, and asked you for help, which was given and then rescinded? That's the fucked up part of the story.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:55 AM on September 6, 2010 [20 favorites]
There are no wrong ways to feel after a trauma or crisis. No matter what road you end up taking to deal with this, be secure in the fact that your emotions are beyond judgment.
posted by KathrynT at 8:56 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 8:56 AM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Call co-worker and say, "Thank you for coming to my assistance. I was totally freaked out, and I'm sure I freaked you out. But you were a lifesaver. I'm totally grateful and will be even more grateful if you don't share this with anybody. It's hard to cope with being assaulted; and having to talk about it at work would be difficult." I have some thoughts about the behavior of your co-worker, but your priority is having co-worker keep his mouth shut.
Rape crisis/domestic violence professionals can help you cope with the immediate feelings, and help you find a qualified therapist. They should respect your wishes about reporting.
Find a self-defense class for women. It will help you rebuild your confidence.
Assault is not your fault. Assault is traumatic. Getting help dealing with is is not weakness; it's smart. This sounds like a really horrible experience; good luck.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Rape crisis/domestic violence professionals can help you cope with the immediate feelings, and help you find a qualified therapist. They should respect your wishes about reporting.
Find a self-defense class for women. It will help you rebuild your confidence.
Assault is not your fault. Assault is traumatic. Getting help dealing with is is not weakness; it's smart. This sounds like a really horrible experience; good luck.
posted by theora55 at 9:07 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know you don't want to report this to the police, but as everyone has said, you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about, and if this guy stole your wallet, he likely has your address. I don't want to freak you out, but I'd report it and see what the police say about that.
I'm very glad you're safe.
posted by pised at 9:32 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm very glad you're safe.
posted by pised at 9:32 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
So your assailant has your wallet and knows where you live now, correct? But anyway about your co-worker, I wouldn't assume he understands what happened to you if you were crying and yelling at him. He probably already told someone (like his SO or close friends). So I agree that if you want to stop him from telling more people (or asking them like "Hey have you ever noticed anything strange about Fiasco?" to other co-workers), you should sit him down and explain things to him.
posted by KimikoPi at 9:32 AM on September 6, 2010
posted by KimikoPi at 9:32 AM on September 6, 2010
I ran away with my pants down (I know, how embarrassing). He stole my wallet but that's about it.
Okay, imagine that you saw this happening to another woman. If you saw a woman running away from an attempted rape/mugging/something similar with her pants down, would you think "Oh my, how embarrassing for her!" ? No, I'm sure you'd think "Oh god how awful! What a terrible situation for her to be in! I should go help her!" etc.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:52 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Okay, imagine that you saw this happening to another woman. If you saw a woman running away from an attempted rape/mugging/something similar with her pants down, would you think "Oh my, how embarrassing for her!" ? No, I'm sure you'd think "Oh god how awful! What a terrible situation for her to be in! I should go help her!" etc.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 9:52 AM on September 6, 2010 [2 favorites]
Adding to the chorus. This is what crisis centers are for. And although I understand why "shame" is the thing you feel, it breaks my heart that this is so.
To your specific question: I'm assuming that he did the best he could, given that he had no idea how to handle this situation. (Who does, short of cops and other trained professionals?)
What I get from your question is that he is probably feeling uncertain, confused, and ashamed for not being able to either prevent the assault, or take charge of the situation and solve the problem of the aftermath.
If this is the case, I would go with something like, "Thank you so much for helping me the other night, I'm sorry I kind of flipped out on you, but you understand, right? The best thing you can do for me right now is respect my privacy, and keep the whole thing confidential. Please don't tell anyone about what happened."
If you've left out some painful bits, like "He blamed me for walking after dark in a skirt" or "He kept asking what I did to provoke the attack," then my suggestion changes.
posted by ErikaB at 10:21 AM on September 6, 2010
To your specific question: I'm assuming that he did the best he could, given that he had no idea how to handle this situation. (Who does, short of cops and other trained professionals?)
What I get from your question is that he is probably feeling uncertain, confused, and ashamed for not being able to either prevent the assault, or take charge of the situation and solve the problem of the aftermath.
If this is the case, I would go with something like, "Thank you so much for helping me the other night, I'm sorry I kind of flipped out on you, but you understand, right? The best thing you can do for me right now is respect my privacy, and keep the whole thing confidential. Please don't tell anyone about what happened."
If you've left out some painful bits, like "He blamed me for walking after dark in a skirt" or "He kept asking what I did to provoke the attack," then my suggestion changes.
posted by ErikaB at 10:21 AM on September 6, 2010
It is not your fault. Now I know that Fiasco is your user name and some other bad things have happened to you, but those things are not connected to this thing. There is nothing wrong with you that brought this on. I'm going to trust what you said and take from this that your co-worker didn't understand what had happened. So call him up and let him know what happened. He'll understand. If you want him to keep it to himself, just ask.
You are reacting to shame--its okay. The fact that you are feeling it doesn't make it true.
Trust that you have recuperative powers and work through the feelings. Call the rape hotline, let them talk you through it and then get a recommendation for a therapist from them--someone who specializes in this.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:27 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are reacting to shame--its okay. The fact that you are feeling it doesn't make it true.
Trust that you have recuperative powers and work through the feelings. Call the rape hotline, let them talk you through it and then get a recommendation for a therapist from them--someone who specializes in this.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:27 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nth addition to the crisis center. It's what they handle best.
I would also urge you to report this, so that there is at least SOME possibility that the thugs won't have an opportunity to do this again or potential victims at least have some warning of the thugs attempting such a thing.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 10:29 AM on September 6, 2010
I would also urge you to report this, so that there is at least SOME possibility that the thugs won't have an opportunity to do this again or potential victims at least have some warning of the thugs attempting such a thing.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 10:29 AM on September 6, 2010
The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-HOPE. It is anonymous and 24/7.
The Hotline also has an online component - http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ It is also totally anonymous and 24/7.
You didn't do anything wrong, shameful, or embarrassing. None of this was your fault. I am so glad you are alive today and that you escaped. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to report, or not to report - this is very much your own decision. You have no obligation to anyone. If you can manage it, the above hotlines will be able to give you a place to talk, vent, or seek advice. If you don't want to call or click, that's find as well. Please be kind and gentle to yourself today.
posted by quadrilaterals at 10:44 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
The Hotline also has an online component - http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ It is also totally anonymous and 24/7.
You didn't do anything wrong, shameful, or embarrassing. None of this was your fault. I am so glad you are alive today and that you escaped. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to report, or not to report - this is very much your own decision. You have no obligation to anyone. If you can manage it, the above hotlines will be able to give you a place to talk, vent, or seek advice. If you don't want to call or click, that's find as well. Please be kind and gentle to yourself today.
posted by quadrilaterals at 10:44 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding the above: 800 656 HOPE.
You may feel reluctant about discussing this, but you will be amazed by how talking about the event will reduce the strangle hold over your thoughts that it currently holds. The person you will talk to will never talk about it with anyone else. It's anonymous and completely confidential. Please call.
posted by hecho de la basura at 11:01 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You may feel reluctant about discussing this, but you will be amazed by how talking about the event will reduce the strangle hold over your thoughts that it currently holds. The person you will talk to will never talk about it with anyone else. It's anonymous and completely confidential. Please call.
posted by hecho de la basura at 11:01 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are the one who needs to be taken care of right now. You did nothing wrong and you don't have to apologize for anything. If you feel you need to say something to your co-worker, call him or pull him aside on a break and tell him you were assaulted last night and you'd appreciate it if he'd keep it to himself. That's enough.
Please call the hotline number listed above and talk to someone about what happened to you. I am very, very sorry, I am very, very angry for you, and I hope you are okay. Please also consider calling a trusted friend or family member and have them come and be with you.
FWIW, I had an old boyfriend break into my house and accost me years ago, and I didn't sleep for months afterward. I still wish I'd sat down and talked with someone about it when it happened; I'd likely have learned much more quickly to blame him for violating me and my home rather than blaming myself for being "so stupid" for dating him in the first place.
Best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 11:40 AM on September 6, 2010
Please call the hotline number listed above and talk to someone about what happened to you. I am very, very sorry, I am very, very angry for you, and I hope you are okay. Please also consider calling a trusted friend or family member and have them come and be with you.
FWIW, I had an old boyfriend break into my house and accost me years ago, and I didn't sleep for months afterward. I still wish I'd sat down and talked with someone about it when it happened; I'd likely have learned much more quickly to blame him for violating me and my home rather than blaming myself for being "so stupid" for dating him in the first place.
Best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 11:40 AM on September 6, 2010
Oh stop it with telling her to report this! STOP. Putting any guilt on the victim is reprehensible here. It's a choice only she can make. The only one responsible for any further attacks would be the jerk doing them.
Fiasco, please know you have nothing to be embarassed about, and your coworker will likely keep quiet because he will not be able to explain just leaving you there after you called him for help. I'm one of the many who is just so happy that you're ok. You walked away from this, and every woman who knows how vulnerable she is can celebrate that for you.
posted by lemniskate at 12:03 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Fiasco, please know you have nothing to be embarassed about, and your coworker will likely keep quiet because he will not be able to explain just leaving you there after you called him for help. I'm one of the many who is just so happy that you're ok. You walked away from this, and every woman who knows how vulnerable she is can celebrate that for you.
posted by lemniskate at 12:03 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am shocked and disgusted by the victim-blaming going on in this thread. Really, "you need to report it other wise this predator could/will attack someone else. Maybe even you again."!?!?! VICTIM-BLAMING, textbook. I expected better from metafilter.
The only person responsible for an attack is the attacker. Period.
posted by Violet Hour at 12:07 PM on September 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
The only person responsible for an attack is the attacker. Period.
posted by Violet Hour at 12:07 PM on September 6, 2010 [5 favorites]
Mod note: A few comments removed. Please stick to constructively answering the question asked and ease up on the guilt-tripping thing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:07 PM on September 6, 2010
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:07 PM on September 6, 2010
I am not suggesting that you report the incident by saying this, but as one way to "deal with things" as you asked, you may want to write down everything you remember about the attack and the attacker while it is still fresh in your mind.
I know you just want to forget it and not make a big deal about it, but knowledge is power and the more you remember about the incident, the more control over it you have. And, the more control over it that you have, the more you "win" and he "loses". You don't have to share the info with anyone if you don't want to, but just knowing that you have it written down somewhere may help you work through this now and down the road.
So sorry you've been through such a scary ordeal.
posted by ourroute at 12:27 PM on September 6, 2010
I know you just want to forget it and not make a big deal about it, but knowledge is power and the more you remember about the incident, the more control over it you have. And, the more control over it that you have, the more you "win" and he "loses". You don't have to share the info with anyone if you don't want to, but just knowing that you have it written down somewhere may help you work through this now and down the road.
So sorry you've been through such a scary ordeal.
posted by ourroute at 12:27 PM on September 6, 2010
I think one way to deal with the work issue is to be prepared that it might come up in conversation - that is, you can only ask your co worker not to say anything at work, but you can't guarantee that he won't. So, use the great language above with the co worker and then just be aware of the vibe at work over the next few months - not hyper aware or assuming that 'everyone knows', but just meditatively conscious that there is something that happened to you that you did not want to happen, and something you want (for this not to get around work) might not happen.
In case anyone ever raises the topic, it might help to have some language that ends the conversation. Like:
- Yes, I did have a difficult situation, but I am handling it. Thank you for your concern.
- Thank you for checking up on me, I appreciate it. I am dealing with the situation, but would prefer not to talk about it at work. I'll let you know if I need anything.
Just repeat variations of the 'thank you for your concern. I am handling it, and would rather not discuss it at work' statements if people keep rudely probing you about it.
posted by anitanita at 12:30 PM on September 6, 2010
In case anyone ever raises the topic, it might help to have some language that ends the conversation. Like:
- Yes, I did have a difficult situation, but I am handling it. Thank you for your concern.
- Thank you for checking up on me, I appreciate it. I am dealing with the situation, but would prefer not to talk about it at work. I'll let you know if I need anything.
Just repeat variations of the 'thank you for your concern. I am handling it, and would rather not discuss it at work' statements if people keep rudely probing you about it.
posted by anitanita at 12:30 PM on September 6, 2010
What exactly does your coworker know? It seems what's most important to you is that this does not spread around and become a big deal, so to really answer this question, we need to know if they know that someone attempted to sexually assault you. Your question doesn't make it clear, but it matters very much as to whether or not they will talk about it.
Is it possible that from their perspective they got a call late at night from someone they don't know very well, who seemed to be frantic and incoherent, show up to help, only to be yelled at for reasons they don't understand? Could they have so little information that they might think you were intoxicated? I know someone here is going to take this out of context and twist my words, so let me be clear: I am not blaming you, you have nothing to be sorry for and what happened to you was the reprehensible actions of an awful, disgusting individual for which you share no blame or responsibility. What I am suggesting is that if your coworker wasn't clearly informed that you were assaulted, they might talk about the event because of how strange it seemed.
Talk to them, explain what happened and somewhat of how you felt. Only when they understand what happened, and what they stumbled into, will they understand how important their discretion is.
posted by spaltavian at 12:36 PM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Is it possible that from their perspective they got a call late at night from someone they don't know very well, who seemed to be frantic and incoherent, show up to help, only to be yelled at for reasons they don't understand? Could they have so little information that they might think you were intoxicated? I know someone here is going to take this out of context and twist my words, so let me be clear: I am not blaming you, you have nothing to be sorry for and what happened to you was the reprehensible actions of an awful, disgusting individual for which you share no blame or responsibility. What I am suggesting is that if your coworker wasn't clearly informed that you were assaulted, they might talk about the event because of how strange it seemed.
Talk to them, explain what happened and somewhat of how you felt. Only when they understand what happened, and what they stumbled into, will they understand how important their discretion is.
posted by spaltavian at 12:36 PM on September 6, 2010 [3 favorites]
Was your license in your wallet?
If so, please have your landlord change your locks, or if you own your own place, have it done SOON.
I don't want to worry you, but if he has your license with your address on it, you may want to think again on reporting it. I understand that you don't want to, and that's okay. But please consider it again.
posted by zizzle at 1:55 PM on September 6, 2010
If so, please have your landlord change your locks, or if you own your own place, have it done SOON.
I don't want to worry you, but if he has your license with your address on it, you may want to think again on reporting it. I understand that you don't want to, and that's okay. But please consider it again.
posted by zizzle at 1:55 PM on September 6, 2010
If so, please have your landlord change your locks, or if you own your own place, have it done SOON.
If the criminal doesn't have your keys, I don't see how this would help.
posted by grouse at 2:10 PM on September 6, 2010
If the criminal doesn't have your keys, I don't see how this would help.
posted by grouse at 2:10 PM on September 6, 2010
I’m a young woman who also has to walk home and I worry every day about this exact thing happening to me. Do you know what my immediate reaction was after reading your question? “Wow, she’s really brave. I hope if I were ever in that situation, I would have the courage to fight back and get away.” I was impressed by you. You’re my idea of a hero.
Your coworker may not have understood the gravity of the situation, because (and yes, I am assuming here) he is male, possibly young, and he has the privilege of not having to worry about these things. His actions were cowardly and ignorant. It is understandable, but still. Hopefully he will learn from the situation.
There are lots and lots of people who do understand these things, though. Counselors, other survivors, and, well, pretty much anyone female, will be compassionate with you. I know you are scared and shaken right now, but you need someone who is informed to talk to you. Call a female friend or see a counselor. The worst thing you can do is try to forget about it and tell no one it happened. This doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone or people at work-just a trusted friend. Just one person who will come over, make you hot cocoa and give you a big hug. You, of course, can do whatever you feel comfortable with, but I really believe that if you could tell just one trustworthy person you would feel much better.
posted by Nixy at 2:17 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your coworker may not have understood the gravity of the situation, because (and yes, I am assuming here) he is male, possibly young, and he has the privilege of not having to worry about these things. His actions were cowardly and ignorant. It is understandable, but still. Hopefully he will learn from the situation.
There are lots and lots of people who do understand these things, though. Counselors, other survivors, and, well, pretty much anyone female, will be compassionate with you. I know you are scared and shaken right now, but you need someone who is informed to talk to you. Call a female friend or see a counselor. The worst thing you can do is try to forget about it and tell no one it happened. This doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone or people at work-just a trusted friend. Just one person who will come over, make you hot cocoa and give you a big hug. You, of course, can do whatever you feel comfortable with, but I really believe that if you could tell just one trustworthy person you would feel much better.
posted by Nixy at 2:17 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry. I meant improve the locks (fussing baby). Added deadbolts, etc.
posted by zizzle at 2:17 PM on September 6, 2010
posted by zizzle at 2:17 PM on September 6, 2010
Sorry. Fussing toddler and an accident you don't really need to hear about = quick typing and lack of thought-hand coordination.
Better locks. Added deadbolts, etc. Improved window security.
This really isn't something to take lightly.
posted by zizzle at 2:22 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Better locks. Added deadbolts, etc. Improved window security.
This really isn't something to take lightly.
posted by zizzle at 2:22 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Knowing where she lives is more likely to make him avoid that location than go there, because if he goes there she could see him, get a better look, and be more likely to be able to identify him to the police.
I'm sorry for your previous troubles, but I'd guess they must have taught you some things, because you did very well.
I would thank your coworker for what he did, and ignore what he didn't do; he can reflect on that himself, and I'm sure he will. Asking him to be discreet about potentially embarrassing details will have the added benefit of reassuring him that you will be discreet about details he might be a little reluctant to have talked about, and make it less likely he will try to make you look bad to justify his own behavior.
posted by jamjam at 2:45 PM on September 6, 2010
I'm sorry for your previous troubles, but I'd guess they must have taught you some things, because you did very well.
I would thank your coworker for what he did, and ignore what he didn't do; he can reflect on that himself, and I'm sure he will. Asking him to be discreet about potentially embarrassing details will have the added benefit of reassuring him that you will be discreet about details he might be a little reluctant to have talked about, and make it less likely he will try to make you look bad to justify his own behavior.
posted by jamjam at 2:45 PM on September 6, 2010
You are in shock right now.
You are not thinking clearly.
Call a center. Get advice.
The worst mistake I ever made in a similar (but non-sexual) assault by a stranger (it was way less physical than what you went through, btw) was to decline to press charges!
Years later I look back on that decision.... and I still regret it.
I slept for two days afterwards due to shock. I was a mess. I wish I had been more honest with myself about the situation at the time. I didn't give myself very good care.
You see, like you, I was more worried about my business partner's opinion of the "mess" I had ended up in, rather than worrying about MYSELF.
Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself.
posted by jbenben at 2:49 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
You are not thinking clearly.
Call a center. Get advice.
The worst mistake I ever made in a similar (but non-sexual) assault by a stranger (it was way less physical than what you went through, btw) was to decline to press charges!
Years later I look back on that decision.... and I still regret it.
I slept for two days afterwards due to shock. I was a mess. I wish I had been more honest with myself about the situation at the time. I didn't give myself very good care.
You see, like you, I was more worried about my business partner's opinion of the "mess" I had ended up in, rather than worrying about MYSELF.
Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself.
posted by jbenben at 2:49 PM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
I had something similar (minus the stolen wallet) happen to me in a foreign country and I was not allowed to report it. By "not allowed" I mean that at that time I did not have the language skills to go tot the police and, after a meeting with my entire office, from which I was excluded, the female office workers were told to tell me that no one would help me make a formal report and that I should understand that such things were just part of life. And then for the rest of the week I had to listen to the people in the office discussing what I was wearing, had I been drinking, aren't foreigners troublesome, etc.
I understand why you're worried about work. Even when you've done nothing wrong, it's embarrassing when something like that is the hot topic in the office. What you might want to do is apologize to your coworker, briefly explain, and ask him not to tell anyone. He doesn't deserve an apology, but that's what you might want to do if you are mainly interested in minimizing the damage at work.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about choosing/not choosing to report the incident - what's important is that you feel comfortable with your choice.
I didn't have any hotlines or therapists available to me - all I did was write a couple of unhappy emails to friends at home, and for me that turned out to be enough. I think the only lasting damage, if you can call it that, is I get annoyed when people talk about how [foreign country] is so safe and how the numbers for sexual assaults are so low.
posted by betweenthebars at 11:17 AM on September 7, 2010
I understand why you're worried about work. Even when you've done nothing wrong, it's embarrassing when something like that is the hot topic in the office. What you might want to do is apologize to your coworker, briefly explain, and ask him not to tell anyone. He doesn't deserve an apology, but that's what you might want to do if you are mainly interested in minimizing the damage at work.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad about choosing/not choosing to report the incident - what's important is that you feel comfortable with your choice.
I didn't have any hotlines or therapists available to me - all I did was write a couple of unhappy emails to friends at home, and for me that turned out to be enough. I think the only lasting damage, if you can call it that, is I get annoyed when people talk about how [foreign country] is so safe and how the numbers for sexual assaults are so low.
posted by betweenthebars at 11:17 AM on September 7, 2010
Fiasco, whether or not you report it is totally up to you. It sounds, unfortunately, like this was an attempted sexual assault, which gives you a long time to think about whether or not you want to report it (longer statute of limitations), so you can change your mind later. Counseling might be really helpful--either in person, with a therapist, or on the phone, with a crisis hotline. Folks on hotlines are trained and there to help you. I will tell you that I was mugged violently a few months ago, and reporting it, and having the perpetrator convicted and sent to jail, has been really, really helpful for me emotionally as I deal with the after effects. It sucked having to deal with the lawyers and courts, but they were really nice to me and now that it is over I feel a lot better--his conviction (and writing a victim impact statement for the judge) really helped me move on. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting this to be a big deal. In my experience, though, wanting it not to be a big deal hasn't made it not one. I wish I could tell you otherwise. So please be forgiving of yourself and gentle with yourself as you deal with this, if it's hard or you're scared or you have some PTSD issues. Again, counseling has been super helpful for me and I really encourage you to get some if you can. FWIW, it sounds like you handled it really well--screaming enough to escape is major--and you should be proud of that. You have the instincts you need to take care of yourself and you are a survivor. I have a huge amount of respect for you.
I think everyone has given good advice about your coworker. Talk to him privately, and ask him to keep things discreet, and don't feel embarrassed. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like he's young and inexperienced and just didn't know how to handle a crisis. I bet he feels bad about it now. What happened to you was not your fault no matter what anyone says.
Memail me if you would like. Many hugs to you.
posted by min at 6:55 PM on September 7, 2010
I think everyone has given good advice about your coworker. Talk to him privately, and ask him to keep things discreet, and don't feel embarrassed. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like he's young and inexperienced and just didn't know how to handle a crisis. I bet he feels bad about it now. What happened to you was not your fault no matter what anyone says.
Memail me if you would like. Many hugs to you.
posted by min at 6:55 PM on September 7, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Find someone close to you that you can talk to, or seek counselling. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by torisaur at 8:11 AM on September 6, 2010 [1 favorite]